The Only Positive Thing in Men

Save your breath. You'll need it to inflate your date.

You couldn't get laid in a whorehouse with a fistful of twenties.

You couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a fistful of pardons.

Does your boyfriend wear an asbestos coated condom and bio-hazard suit when he fucks you?

He's the kind of guy who masturbates to The Sound of Music.

How is your wife... and my kids?

She even has to fake her own orgasms when she masturbates.

The last time you got a piece of ass was when your hand slipped through the toilet paper.

He's trying to pick up a friendly, open-to-experimentation partner for a threesome with the family dog.

I went down on her and found pieces of carrot, tomato and mushroom. I said "Should these be here?" She said, "Yeah, the last guy threw up."

Sorry, that was a low blow. Speaking of low blows, how's your wife?

Jack be nimble. Jack be quick. I still prefer the candlestick.

If sex is a pain in the ass, he's in the wrong hole.

All bullshit aside, I bet the last time someone other than your actually touched your nuts, Jesus Christ was still breast feeding.

If it weren't for pick-pockets, he'd have no sex life at all.

Impotence is nature's way of telling you that the bitch is ugly.

She called a male hooker and he dialed 911.

She knows how to please men in bed - she sleeps on the couch.

Tell your mother to stop wearing different colored lipstick. I'm getting a damn rainbow around my dick.

His best pickup line is "You've got the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen on a Down Syndrome patient."

I'd love to fuck your brains out, but apparently someone already has.

I'd tell you to go fuck yourself and the horse you rode in on, but looking at that stupid grin on your face, I'd say you already have.

No, I don't have a headache, you are just not turning me on!

I'm sure you've heard this before, I FAKED IT!

Is your "Masturbator's-elbow" making it difficult to type?

Even his own hand turns that ugly fuck down.

He was a very clumsy lover, so the girl had to put him in her place.

His idea of a sex holiday is visiting a safari park.

You're such an asshole. Kissing any part of you would be fairly termed 'rimming.'

His last last girlfriend got a puncture.

He gets loads of types of sex. In fact, every type except human.

Even sheep won't have sex with you.

He's like a rabbit on Viagra.

He's so negative. In fact, the only positive thing about him is HIV.

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