I’ve seen these questions and answers posted in various places, the questions were apparently set in GCSE examinations in England.
The answers are (supposedly) actual answers from 16 year olds, worrying if true, but hilarious, and worth repeating:
Q Name the four seasons
A Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q How is dew formed
A The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q What causes the tides in the oceans
A The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q In a democratic society, how important are elections
A Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q What are steroids
A Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
Q What happens to your body as you age
A When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A Premature death
Q What is artificial insemination
A When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q How can you delay milk turning sour
A Keep it in the cow
Q How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U
Q What is the fibula?
A A small lie
Q What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A Nearby
Q What is the most common form of birth control
A Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q What is a seizure?
A A Roman Emperor
Q What is a terminal illness
A When you are sick at the airport
Q Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A Hands that judicious can be soft as your face
Q What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q What is a turbine?
A Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
Showing posts with label English. Show all posts
Showing posts with label English. Show all posts
The World's Biggest Secrets How To End Terrorism
Let's start the rumour...
"If we could convince the Chinese that Jihadists testicles are an aphrodisiac,
in 10 years they could be extinct ... "
"If we could convince the Chinese that Jihadists testicles are an aphrodisiac,
in 10 years they could be extinct ... "
The Secrets How To Be A Freak Great Mother Ever in The World
Everybody over 50 was home schooled !!!
Most of our generation 50+ was HOME SCHOOLEDin so many ways.
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
1. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck???"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just you wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when he gets home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you, do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"
This was only sent to the over 50 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT"words by our parents
Most of our generation 50+ was HOME SCHOOLEDin so many ways.
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
1. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck???"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just you wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when he gets home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you, do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"
This was only sent to the over 50 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT"words by our parents
The Secrets How To Cheat Your Husband Without Worries
A mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Pete in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously. "What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found??
Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Bill Clinton in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Come now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "There now Pete, you see? I told you there must be a simple explanation! "Well what is it?" Fumed Pete.
"She never got your E-mail!"
"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously. "What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found??
Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Bill Clinton in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Come now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "There now Pete, you see? I told you there must be a simple explanation! "Well what is it?" Fumed Pete.
"She never got your E-mail!"
The World's Greatest Classified ads
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT
The Most Erotic's Secrets How To See Woman's Vagina In A Cruise Ship
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam... I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind???"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed !!!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday !!! "
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam... I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind???"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed !!!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday !!! "
The Nudist Secrets How To Exposed Your Genital In Public
While Peter was sunbathing naked at the beach at Noosa.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself."
Gotta love older people !!!
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself."
Gotta love older people !!!
The World Biggest Kitchen's Secrets How To Cook A Turkey
Just In Time For Christmas – A Turkey Tip:
Cut a lemon in half and place under the skin of the turkey before roasting for a Christmas meal the family will still be talking about next year !
Have a SEXIEST Christmas EVER !!!
Merry Christmas to You ALL !!!
Cut a lemon in half and place under the skin of the turkey before roasting for a Christmas meal the family will still be talking about next year !
Have a SEXIEST Christmas EVER !!!
Merry Christmas to You ALL !!!
The World's Biggest Secret How To Enjoy Life After 50
PERKS
OF BEING OVER 50
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released
first.
- No one expects you to run anywhere.
- People call at 9pm and ask 'Did I wake you?'
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- You can eat supper at 4pm.
- You can live without sex but not your glasses.
- You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who
walks into the room.
- You sing along with the music in lifts.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the
national weather forecast.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they
can't remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
manageable size.
- You can't remember who sent you this list.
- And you notice these are all in 'big print' for your convenience.
The Secrets of Taiwanese, Shanghainese and Cantonese
On Stockton Street yesterday, Savage Kitten passed a Chinese man and his -beep–temptress sex doll Taiwanese girlfriend. She did not immediately identify the female as Taiwanese, but when she recounted the experience, it was obvious to me that the person in question was such.
You see, only Taiwanese girls still play the pouty whiny spoiled money-lenders’ plaything role to perfection.
It’s a combination of high falsetto little girl voice, adhesive behaviour, and ego-stroking flattery. Sure, Shanghainese tramps also attempt the act – but without the pampered -beep- attitude and that syrupy four-year-old sexbombe voice, it just isn’t the same. The Shanghainese practitioner of the art always has a note of sleazy desperation, but the Taiwanese wanna-be kept woman has so perfected the saccharine mewling that weak-willed men do not even realize that their brains just melted.
Cantonese girls won’t even bother. They know that at some point they’re going to completely spoil the effect by blessing him out. With some snarled “colloquial” expressions that will not bear translation. They prefer to keep their options open as far as expressing themselves, and many of them have far too much stubborn ego to pull the “oh you’re soooooo smart and handsoooooome” routine. At least not with any real conviction.
You see, only Taiwanese girls still play the pouty whiny spoiled money-lenders’ plaything role to perfection.
It’s a combination of high falsetto little girl voice, adhesive behaviour, and ego-stroking flattery. Sure, Shanghainese tramps also attempt the act – but without the pampered -beep- attitude and that syrupy four-year-old sexbombe voice, it just isn’t the same. The Shanghainese practitioner of the art always has a note of sleazy desperation, but the Taiwanese wanna-be kept woman has so perfected the saccharine mewling that weak-willed men do not even realize that their brains just melted.
Cantonese girls won’t even bother. They know that at some point they’re going to completely spoil the effect by blessing him out. With some snarled “colloquial” expressions that will not bear translation. They prefer to keep their options open as far as expressing themselves, and many of them have far too much stubborn ego to pull the “oh you’re soooooo smart and handsoooooome” routine. At least not with any real conviction.
The Vatican's Biggest Secret How Adam Meets Eve
How Adam Meets Eve...
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.
It's a bad one , caused by the woman's reckless driving.
Both of their cars
are demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says;
"So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely damaged, but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police to come and collect their evidence."
ADAM ATE THE APPLE AGAIN ! !
Men will NEVER learn !
Men will always be men ..... never learn
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.
It's a bad one , caused by the woman's reckless driving.
Both of their cars
are demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says;
"So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely damaged, but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police to come and collect their evidence."
ADAM ATE THE APPLE AGAIN ! !
Men will NEVER learn !
Men will always be men ..... never learn
The Biggest Protest To Remove Pork From School Canteens
PORK IN SCHOOL CANTEENS
A REAL MAYOR WHO REFUSES TO REMOVE PORK FROM THE SCHOOL CANTEENS EXPLAINS WHY
Muslim parents demanded the abolition of pork in all the school canteens of Ath in Belgium.
Marc Duvivier the mayor of Ath, has refused, and the town clerk sent a note to all parents to explain why.
“Muslims must understand that they have to adapt to Belgium, its customs, its traditions, its way of life, because that's where they chose to immigrate.
They must understand that they have to integrate and learn to live in Belgium.
They must understand that it is for them to change their lifestyle, not the Belgians who so generously welcomed them.
They must understand that the Athois are neither racist nor xenophobic, they accepted many immigrants before Muslims (whereas the reverse is not true that Muslims do not accept non-Muslim foreigners on their soil).
That no more than other nations, the Belgians are not willing to give up their identity, their culture.
And if Belgium is a land of welcome, it's not Marc Duvivier that welcomes foreigners, but the Belgian people as a whole.
Finally, they must understand that in Belgium with its Judeo-Christian roots, Christmas trees, churches and religious festivals, religion must remain in the private domain. The municipality of Ath was right to refuse any concessions to Islam and Sharia.
For Muslims that disagree with secularism and do not feel comfortable in Belgium, there are 57 beautiful Muslim countries in the world, most of them under-populated and ready to receive them with open halal arms in accordance with Shariah.
If you left your country for Belgium, and not for other Muslim countries, it is because you have considered that life is better in Belgium than elsewhere.
Ask yourself the question, just once, “Why is it better here in Belgium than where you come from?”
A canteen with pork is part of the answer.
A REAL MAYOR WHO REFUSES TO REMOVE PORK FROM THE SCHOOL CANTEENS EXPLAINS WHY
Muslim parents demanded the abolition of pork in all the school canteens of Ath in Belgium.
Marc Duvivier the mayor of Ath, has refused, and the town clerk sent a note to all parents to explain why.
“Muslims must understand that they have to adapt to Belgium, its customs, its traditions, its way of life, because that's where they chose to immigrate.
They must understand that they have to integrate and learn to live in Belgium.
They must understand that it is for them to change their lifestyle, not the Belgians who so generously welcomed them.
They must understand that the Athois are neither racist nor xenophobic, they accepted many immigrants before Muslims (whereas the reverse is not true that Muslims do not accept non-Muslim foreigners on their soil).
That no more than other nations, the Belgians are not willing to give up their identity, their culture.
And if Belgium is a land of welcome, it's not Marc Duvivier that welcomes foreigners, but the Belgian people as a whole.
Finally, they must understand that in Belgium with its Judeo-Christian roots, Christmas trees, churches and religious festivals, religion must remain in the private domain. The municipality of Ath was right to refuse any concessions to Islam and Sharia.
For Muslims that disagree with secularism and do not feel comfortable in Belgium, there are 57 beautiful Muslim countries in the world, most of them under-populated and ready to receive them with open halal arms in accordance with Shariah.
If you left your country for Belgium, and not for other Muslim countries, it is because you have considered that life is better in Belgium than elsewhere.
Ask yourself the question, just once, “Why is it better here in Belgium than where you come from?”
A canteen with pork is part of the answer.
The Secrets How To Have Sharp Memory In Old Age
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much....
Older people do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe.
Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full up, so to do humans take longer to access information, it has been suggested.
Researchers say this slowing down it is not the same as cognitive decline.
The human brain works slower in old age,” said Dr. Michael Ramscar,
"but “ only because we have stored more information over time .
"The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.”Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for.
It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.
SO THERE!! We Are All Brilliant!
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much....
Older people do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe.
Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full up, so to do humans take longer to access information, it has been suggested.
Researchers say this slowing down it is not the same as cognitive decline.
The human brain works slower in old age,” said Dr. Michael Ramscar,
"but “ only because we have stored more information over time .
"The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.”Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for.
It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.
SO THERE!! We Are All Brilliant!
The World's Top Secrets How To Get Better Sleep At Night Without Worries
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks, And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks, And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
The World's Top Secrets How To Live Longer
Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.
There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past'
We used to go to weddings,
Football games and lunches..
Now we go to funeral homes
And after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And while the night away.
We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel
To places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
From riding in the car.
We used to go to nightclubs
And drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
And watch the evening news.
That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too damned old!
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.
There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past'
We used to go to weddings,
Football games and lunches..
Now we go to funeral homes
And after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And while the night away.
We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel
To places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
From riding in the car.
We used to go to nightclubs
And drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
And watch the evening news.
That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too damned old!
The World's Best Jew Secrets How To Survive in The World
Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in an Indian restaurant in New York
.. Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India ?'
Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?'
The waiter said, 'I doont be knowing, I ask cooksaheb..' He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, 'No sir, no Indian Jews.'
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?'
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'foreigners' gave the expected answer, 'I check again,' and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in India . Our people are scattered everywhere.'
The waiter returned and said, 'Cooksaheb say there is no Indian Jews.'
'Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I just can't believe there are no Indian Jews!'
' Listen, I asked EVERYONE,' replied the frustrated waiter.
'All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Coconut Jews &
Tomato Jews! - No Indian Jews !!!
.. Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India ?'
Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?'
The waiter said, 'I doont be knowing, I ask cooksaheb..' He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, 'No sir, no Indian Jews.'
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?'
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'foreigners' gave the expected answer, 'I check again,' and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in India . Our people are scattered everywhere.'
The waiter returned and said, 'Cooksaheb say there is no Indian Jews.'
'Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I just can't believe there are no Indian Jews!'
' Listen, I asked EVERYONE,' replied the frustrated waiter.
'All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Coconut Jews &
Tomato Jews! - No Indian Jews !!!
The World's Top Secrets How To Get A Virgin !!
Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay.
The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth. That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez." Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied:
"Well look at dis Lena ... it is still in DA CRATE!"
NORWEGIAN VIRGIN WEDDING
The FBI Top's Secrets of American Politicians !! U.S. Shocking Leaks !!
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
(This is priceless...)
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
(This is priceless...)
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Rahasia Terlarang Jessica Iskandar
Di Twitter, Jessica mengatakan akan lebih memilih menyanyi ketimbang memikirkan soal masalah yang kini menimpanya.
"Whenever i have a problem, i sing. Then i realize that my voice is a lot worse than my problem,"
tulisnya.
The World's Secret Movement: Drink Wine To Live Longer
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.
And to those of you who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in your hand.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine or beer (or tequila, gin, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!
And to those of you who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in your hand.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine or beer (or tequila, gin, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
