When body was first made, all parts wanted to be the Boss. Brain said I because I decide.
Feet said us and so did the Heart Lungs, Hands, and Eyes.
Finally Asshole said I should be the Boss.
All parts started laughing.
So Asshole went on strike, blocked itself, and refused to open. In a short time, Hands cranked, Eyes blurred, Ears emitted hot air, Brain got heavy, Heart and Lungs panicked...
So they all agreed that Asshole should be the BOSS !
Moral of the story is:
It doesn't matter how talented you are... Any Asshole can be your Boss.
Mongolian VD
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.
The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it'. The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc'. The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis'. The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion'.
The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice'.
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease..
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease'.
The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that!, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?'
What, cut you dick off !!! The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!'
'Oh, Thank God!', the man replies.
'Yes', says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself!'
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.
The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it'. The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc'. The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis'. The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion'.
The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice'.
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease..
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease'.
The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that!, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?'
What, cut you dick off !!! The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!'
'Oh, Thank God!', the man replies.
'Yes', says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself!'
Little Mohamed In France
Little Mohamed entered his classroom in France.
What is your name? asked the teacher. "Mohammad...." answered the kid. "Here we are in France, there is no Mohamed. From now on your name will be Jean-Francois" replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohamed returned home. "How was your day, Mohamed?" asked his mother. "My name is not Mohamed, I am in France and my name is Jean-Francois." "Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you..." and she beat him. Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely. The next day Mohamed returned to school.
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened my little Jean-Francois?." "Well Miss, just two hours after becoming French I was attacked by two Arabs!"
What is your name? asked the teacher. "Mohammad...." answered the kid. "Here we are in France, there is no Mohamed. From now on your name will be Jean-Francois" replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohamed returned home. "How was your day, Mohamed?" asked his mother. "My name is not Mohamed, I am in France and my name is Jean-Francois." "Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you..." and she beat him. Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely. The next day Mohamed returned to school.
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened my little Jean-Francois?." "Well Miss, just two hours after becoming French I was attacked by two Arabs!"
Signs All over Place
Sign over a Gynecologist' s Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At a Proctologist' s door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician' s truck:
"We'll look into your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist' s Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist' s window:
"We really know our stuff."
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian' s waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
Sign on the back of another Septic Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At a Proctologist' s door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician' s truck:
"We'll look into your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist' s Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist' s window:
"We really know our stuff."
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian' s waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
Sign on the back of another Septic Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
Obey Your Wife
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise , God appeared and said,
"I want the men to make two queues. One queue for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other queue for the men who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St Peter."
Soon all the women were gone and there were only the two queues of men.
The queue of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 kilometers long, and in the queue of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose!
Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this queue?"
The man replied, "I don't know.... My wife told me to stand here."
Lesson: The secret of a happy marriage is to obey your wife!!!
"I want the men to make two queues. One queue for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other queue for the men who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St Peter."
Soon all the women were gone and there were only the two queues of men.
The queue of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 kilometers long, and in the queue of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose!
Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this queue?"
The man replied, "I don't know.... My wife told me to stand here."
Lesson: The secret of a happy marriage is to obey your wife!!!
Tight Skirt Zipper
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Biology Class - Final Exam
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's milk,' worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...
7.) It comes in 2 cute containers.
He got an A.
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...
7.) It comes in 2 cute containers.
He got an A.
Marriage humor
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.'
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you!'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling! , but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because w aren't married yet.'
Son: ' Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, N O MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever .
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor.'
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.'
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you!'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling! , but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because w aren't married yet.'
Son: ' Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, N O MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever .
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor.'
Video Panas Anggota DPR
Seorang perempuan menelepon seorang anggota DPR laki2
dengan nada mengancam: “Masih ingat saya? Kita, kan, pernah tidur bersama. Saya punya videonya. Sekarang saya minta Rp 3 Milyar. Kalau tidak akan saya beberkan ke media!”
Mendapat telepon begitu bapak anggota DPR ketakutan dan langsung menyanggupinya sambil bertanya: “Tapi kamu siapa dan kita tidur di mana, ya?”
Si perempuan di ujung telepon menjawab: “Saya anggota DPR juga. Kita tidur bareng waktu sidang paripurna!”
Sent from Backdoor Street Mania
dengan nada mengancam: “Masih ingat saya? Kita, kan, pernah tidur bersama. Saya punya videonya. Sekarang saya minta Rp 3 Milyar. Kalau tidak akan saya beberkan ke media!”
Mendapat telepon begitu bapak anggota DPR ketakutan dan langsung menyanggupinya sambil bertanya: “Tapi kamu siapa dan kita tidur di mana, ya?”
Si perempuan di ujung telepon menjawab: “Saya anggota DPR juga. Kita tidur bareng waktu sidang paripurna!”
Sent from Backdoor Street Mania
The 11th Husband.
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin ".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the
"GOVERNMENT "
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the
"GOVERNMENT "
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."
How to Have an Affair Without Afraid with Your Wife
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
' You disrespectful pig !' she cried . ' How dare you do this to me----a faithful wife,the mother of your children !' I'm leaving you . I want a divorce!'
The husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love ,so at least I can tell you what happened.'
Fine , go ahead ' she sobbed , 'But they'll be the last words you'll say to me !'
And the husband began : 'Well , I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car . I noticed that she was very thin , not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten in three days ! So , in my compassion , I brought her home and warm up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn't eat because you were afraid you'd put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in minutes.
'Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shwoer , and , while she was doing , I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes , so I threw them away.
Then , as she needed clothes , I give her the designer jeans you have hadfor a few years , but don't use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present , which you don't use because you said I don't have good taste. And I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her , and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same pair.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued, 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help , as I walked her to the door , she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said , ' Please .....DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE THAT YOUR WIFE DOESN'T USE ????!!!!
' You disrespectful pig !' she cried . ' How dare you do this to me----a faithful wife,the mother of your children !' I'm leaving you . I want a divorce!'
The husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love ,so at least I can tell you what happened.'
Fine , go ahead ' she sobbed , 'But they'll be the last words you'll say to me !'
And the husband began : 'Well , I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car . I noticed that she was very thin , not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten in three days ! So , in my compassion , I brought her home and warm up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn't eat because you were afraid you'd put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in minutes.
'Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shwoer , and , while she was doing , I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes , so I threw them away.
Then , as she needed clothes , I give her the designer jeans you have hadfor a few years , but don't use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present , which you don't use because you said I don't have good taste. And I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her , and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same pair.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued, 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help , as I walked her to the door , she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said , ' Please .....DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE THAT YOUR WIFE DOESN'T USE ????!!!!
Made In ...
John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 am.
While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA)
was perking, he shaved with his electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG)
He put on a dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE)
and tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA)
he sat down with his calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO)
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN )
to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA )
he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY )
filled it with GAS
(from Saudi Arabia )
and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day
checking his Computer
(made in MALAYSIA ),
John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandal
(MADE IN BRAZIL),
poured himself a glass of wine
(MADE IN FRANCE)
and turned on his TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA),
and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA
AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT
MADE IN KENYA.
You gotta keep this one circulating!
(MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 am.
While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA)
was perking, he shaved with his electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG)
He put on a dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE)
and tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA)
he sat down with his calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO)
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN )
to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA )
he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY )
filled it with GAS
(from Saudi Arabia )
and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day
checking his Computer
(made in MALAYSIA ),
John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandal
(MADE IN BRAZIL),
poured himself a glass of wine
(MADE IN FRANCE)
and turned on his TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA),
and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA
AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT
MADE IN KENYA.
You gotta keep this one circulating!
Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky
On July20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind,” were televised to Earth and heard by millions.
But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.” Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the, “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938 when he was a kid in a small mid-west town, he was playing baseball with a friend. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky :
“Sex! You want sex? You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”
But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.” Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the, “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938 when he was a kid in a small mid-west town, he was playing baseball with a friend. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky :
“Sex! You want sex? You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”
Flying Over The Fire
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
“It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!”. The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”
“It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!”. The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”
Compiling a Family History
The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose — how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said :
“Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government
institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose — how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said :
“Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government
institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”
The Birthday Parrot
A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Noting worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”
David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?
David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Noting worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”
David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?
The Clergyman and the Dog
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.
One of the boys replied, “This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we’re having a contest:
whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.”
Of course, the Reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning,
“Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh,
“All right,” he said, “give him the dog.”
One of the boys replied, “This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we’re having a contest:
whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.”
Of course, the Reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning,
“Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh,
“All right,” he said, “give him the dog.”
Different Dates
WHITE WOMEN:
First date:
You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date:
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date:
You get to have sex but only when
she wants to and only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN:
First Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
GREEK or ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date:
You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date:
You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs if not Souvlaki or some pastry filled with cheese and spinach.
Third Date:
You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary:
You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary:
You find yourself a Mistress with a much smaller ass.
CHINESE WOMEN:
First date:
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date:
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date:
You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing
is ever going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN:
First date:
Meet her parents.
Second date:
Set the date of the wedding.
Third date:
Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN:
First Date:
You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date:
You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date:
You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date:
She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date:
You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in
the back of her car.
Second Date:
She's pregnant.
Third Date:
She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her
two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his
three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.
JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date:
You will have to spend all your money to impress
Second Date:
You will take a loan to keep the image
Third Date :
Your are broke, she finds someone wealthier
ARAB WOMEN:
First Date:
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date:
Guy is stoned to death or shot.
No third date!!!
First date:
You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date:
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date:
You get to have sex but only when
she wants to and only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN:
First Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
GREEK or ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date:
You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date:
You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs if not Souvlaki or some pastry filled with cheese and spinach.
Third Date:
You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary:
You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary:
You find yourself a Mistress with a much smaller ass.
CHINESE WOMEN:
First date:
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date:
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date:
You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing
is ever going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN:
First date:
Meet her parents.
Second date:
Set the date of the wedding.
Third date:
Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN:
First Date:
You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date:
You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date:
You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date:
She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date:
You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in
the back of her car.
Second Date:
She's pregnant.
Third Date:
She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her
two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his
three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.
JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date:
You will have to spend all your money to impress
Second Date:
You will take a loan to keep the image
Third Date :
Your are broke, she finds someone wealthier
ARAB WOMEN:
First Date:
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date:
Guy is stoned to death or shot.
No third date!!!
17 Agustus di Sorong
Coba simak nyanyian si Frans, nyong Ambon satu ini di perlombaan nyanyi 17 Agustusan di Sorong.
Frans.. sekarang giliran kou..!
Dengan pedenya Frans menyanyi "Enam belas agustus thn empat lima..."
Penilai: "Hey Frans..! kou punya lagu salah itu... ulang lagi..!"
Frans: "Enam belas agustus thn empat lima.."
Penilai: "Frans..! kou salah..!"
Frans: "Beta seng salah bapa... bapa dorang dengar beta manyanyi dolo.."
Akhirnya semua serius mendengarkan Frans menyanyi.
Frans: "Enam belas agustus tahun empat lima, besoknya hari kemerdekaan kita.."
Yaaaaa.....
Frans.. sekarang giliran kou..!
Dengan pedenya Frans menyanyi "Enam belas agustus thn empat lima..."
Penilai: "Hey Frans..! kou punya lagu salah itu... ulang lagi..!"
Frans: "Enam belas agustus thn empat lima.."
Penilai: "Frans..! kou salah..!"
Frans: "Beta seng salah bapa... bapa dorang dengar beta manyanyi dolo.."
Akhirnya semua serius mendengarkan Frans menyanyi.
Frans: "Enam belas agustus tahun empat lima, besoknya hari kemerdekaan kita.."
Yaaaaa.....
Something Wrong
Ada pasangan suami istri Chinese bermarga SAM tinggal di New York memiliki bayi pertama dengan wana kulit putih, rambut lurus, hidung mancung, mulut kecil. Mereka sepakat memberi nama anak mereka: SAM TING SUIT!!
Sedangkan bayi kedua dengan warna kulit kuning, muka lucu, mulut lucu, hidung lucu, mereka sepakat untuk beri nama pada anak mereka: SAM TING CUTE!!
Bayi yang terakhir dengan warna kulit hitam legam, rambut kriting abiez, hidung cutbray & mulut yang leubuaarrr.. . mereka sepakat utk memberi nama pada anak mereka: SAM TING RONG !!
Sedangkan bayi kedua dengan warna kulit kuning, muka lucu, mulut lucu, hidung lucu, mereka sepakat untuk beri nama pada anak mereka: SAM TING CUTE!!
Bayi yang terakhir dengan warna kulit hitam legam, rambut kriting abiez, hidung cutbray & mulut yang leubuaarrr.. . mereka sepakat utk memberi nama pada anak mereka: SAM TING RONG !!
Jeruk Sekilo
Pembeli: Mas berapa jeruknya sekilo?
Pemjual: 5000 rupiah
Pembeli: Wah manis gak, mas?
Penjual: Jamin manis, Bu. Kalau asem gak usah bayar deh.
Pembeli: Tolong bungkus sekilo yang asem yah..
Pemjual: 5000 rupiah
Pembeli: Wah manis gak, mas?
Penjual: Jamin manis, Bu. Kalau asem gak usah bayar deh.
Pembeli: Tolong bungkus sekilo yang asem yah..
The Wrong Americans
The train was quite crowded, so a US Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was beside a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman who had her poodle sitting on it.
The war-weary marine asked, “Ma'am, may I have that seat?”
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, “Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.”
The marine walked the length of the entire train again, but still the only seat left was under that dog. “Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired”.
She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!”
This time the marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, “Someone must defend my honour! Put this American beast in his place!”
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
“My dear fellow, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong things.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bi*ch out the window!”
The war-weary marine asked, “Ma'am, may I have that seat?”
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, “Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.”
The marine walked the length of the entire train again, but still the only seat left was under that dog. “Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired”.
She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!”
This time the marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, “Someone must defend my honour! Put this American beast in his place!”
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
“My dear fellow, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong things.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bi*ch out the window!”
Alibi
Jam 5 sore, Bowo siap-siap pulang kantor.
Brrmm, mobil dihidupin dan cabut. Sebelum ke rumah, Bowo mampir dl ke Alfamart, beli susu untuk anak. Gak disangka2, Bowo ketemu Cinta, pacar jaman kuliah yang sudah 10 tahun gak ketemu.
"Cinta, kok kamu ada di Jogja?"
"Iya mas. Suamiku pindah tugas kesini sebulan lalu, tapi dia lagi dapat tugas ke Afrika 2 minggu"
"Wah, jadi kamu di rumah sendirian?"
"Iya"
"Tadi kesini naik apa?"
"Taxi"
"Oo, kalo gitu ku anter aja pulangnya, belanjaanmu kan banyak. Sekalian ngobrol2, kangen gak ketemu lamaa banget"
"Iya mas, 10 tahun ya"
Dan meluncurlah mereka ke rumah Cinta. Obrolan di mobil pun semakin seru, ingatin mereka saat2 mesra dulu. Gak terasa sudah sampai depan rumah Cinta.
"Mampir dulu mas, kita lanjutin ngobrolnya di dalam"
"Okelah kalo begitu"
Dan obrolan pun lanjut. 1 jam, 2 jam berlalu. Gak terasa, obrolan makin menjurus..dan akhirnya berlanjut ke ranjang. Kangen yang lama terpendam membuat pertarungan 3 ronde tak terasa, sampai Bowo lupa kalo HP nya kehabisan batere dari sore.
"Waduh! Udah lewat jam 12 malam nih. Aku pulang dulu Cinta. Istriku pasti nyari2"
"Lah terus gimana mas?"
.....mikir sebentar...
"Cinta, aku minta bedak baby, donk"
"Ada mas, buat apa?"
"Adalah…..biar aman"
Dan Bowo pun pulang setelah 1 ciuman mesra yang lama.
Benar saja, sampai di rumah, istri Bowo masih melek dan pasang tampang garang.
"INI LAKI SATU KEMANA AJA! DITELPON HP DIMATIIN. GAK USAH PULANG SEKALIAN, NGAPA ??!!"
"Sabar Mah..papa ceritain dulu sampa bisa pulang larut gini"
"MAU KASIH ALASAN APA LAGI ??"
"Gini Mah.. Tadi papa pulang kantor mampir dulu ke Alfamart belikan pesanan mama. Gak taunya ketemu mantan pacar papa waktu kuliah. Terus papa anter pulang sekalian. Terus kami ngobrol2. Terus..karena asyik, ya lanjut ke ranjang sampai lupa waktu. Jadinya papa baru pulang sekarang"
Istri Bowo diam...mikir..
"Gak percaya! Mana sini, liat tangan papa !"
Bowo kasi liat tangannya..
"PAPA KALO MAU BOHONG KASI ALASAN YANG BAGUS, KEK! UDAH TUA MASIH SOK LAKU ! LAIN KALI KALO MAIN BILYARD INGET WAKTU !!"
*Note:
Ternyata kejujuran lebih menyelamatkan daripada kebohongan..!!
Buktikan saja..!!
Brrmm, mobil dihidupin dan cabut. Sebelum ke rumah, Bowo mampir dl ke Alfamart, beli susu untuk anak. Gak disangka2, Bowo ketemu Cinta, pacar jaman kuliah yang sudah 10 tahun gak ketemu.
"Cinta, kok kamu ada di Jogja?"
"Iya mas. Suamiku pindah tugas kesini sebulan lalu, tapi dia lagi dapat tugas ke Afrika 2 minggu"
"Wah, jadi kamu di rumah sendirian?"
"Iya"
"Tadi kesini naik apa?"
"Taxi"
"Oo, kalo gitu ku anter aja pulangnya, belanjaanmu kan banyak. Sekalian ngobrol2, kangen gak ketemu lamaa banget"
"Iya mas, 10 tahun ya"
Dan meluncurlah mereka ke rumah Cinta. Obrolan di mobil pun semakin seru, ingatin mereka saat2 mesra dulu. Gak terasa sudah sampai depan rumah Cinta.
"Mampir dulu mas, kita lanjutin ngobrolnya di dalam"
"Okelah kalo begitu"
Dan obrolan pun lanjut. 1 jam, 2 jam berlalu. Gak terasa, obrolan makin menjurus..dan akhirnya berlanjut ke ranjang. Kangen yang lama terpendam membuat pertarungan 3 ronde tak terasa, sampai Bowo lupa kalo HP nya kehabisan batere dari sore.
"Waduh! Udah lewat jam 12 malam nih. Aku pulang dulu Cinta. Istriku pasti nyari2"
"Lah terus gimana mas?"
.....mikir sebentar...
"Cinta, aku minta bedak baby, donk"
"Ada mas, buat apa?"
"Adalah…..biar aman"
Dan Bowo pun pulang setelah 1 ciuman mesra yang lama.
Benar saja, sampai di rumah, istri Bowo masih melek dan pasang tampang garang.
"INI LAKI SATU KEMANA AJA! DITELPON HP DIMATIIN. GAK USAH PULANG SEKALIAN, NGAPA ??!!"
"Sabar Mah..papa ceritain dulu sampa bisa pulang larut gini"
"MAU KASIH ALASAN APA LAGI ??"
"Gini Mah.. Tadi papa pulang kantor mampir dulu ke Alfamart belikan pesanan mama. Gak taunya ketemu mantan pacar papa waktu kuliah. Terus papa anter pulang sekalian. Terus kami ngobrol2. Terus..karena asyik, ya lanjut ke ranjang sampai lupa waktu. Jadinya papa baru pulang sekarang"
Istri Bowo diam...mikir..
"Gak percaya! Mana sini, liat tangan papa !"
Bowo kasi liat tangannya..
"PAPA KALO MAU BOHONG KASI ALASAN YANG BAGUS, KEK! UDAH TUA MASIH SOK LAKU ! LAIN KALI KALO MAIN BILYARD INGET WAKTU !!"
*Note:
Ternyata kejujuran lebih menyelamatkan daripada kebohongan..!!
Buktikan saja..!!
Tes Masuk Sekolah
Tole baru masuk SD kelas 1, hari pertama dia sudah protes sama ibu guru. “Bu, saya seharusnya duduk di kelas 3.” Bu guru nya heran. “Kenapa kamu yakin begitu?”, Tole menjawab dengan mantap. ”Soalnya saya lebih pintar dari kakak saya yang sekarang kelas 3.”
Akhirnya bu guru membawa Tole ke ruang kepala sekolah. Setelah diceritakan oleh bu guru, pak kepala sekolah mencoba menguji Tole dengan berbagai materi pelajaran murid kelas 3 SD.
Kepsek: Berapa 16 dikali 26?
Tole: 416
Kepsek: Perang Diponegoro berlangsung tahun berapa?
Tole: 1825-1830
Kepsek: Siapa penemu lampu bohlam?
Tole: Thomas Alfa Edison
Kepsek: Hewan yang makan daging dan tumbuhan termasuk golongan apa?
Tole: Omnivora
Setelah beberapa pertanyaan, pak Kepsek bilang ke ibu guru. “Kelihatannya Tole memang cerdas, saya rasa bisa masuk di kelas 3.”
Tapi ibu guru masih belum yakin, "Coba saya tes lagi pak kepsek,” kata bu guru.
Ibu guru: Benda apakah yang huruf pertama nya K, huruf terakhirnya L, yang bisa menjadi tegang, bisa lemas? (mendengar pertanyaan bu guru, pak Kepsek melongo kaget)
Tole: Ketapel..
Ibu guru: Ok, sekarang apakah yang huruf pertamanya M, huruf terakhir K, di tengah benda itu ada kacangnya? (pak kepsek makin melongo sambil melap keringat di jidatnya)
Tole: Martabak.
Ibu guru: Ok, berikut .... Kegiatan apakah yang biasa dilakukan anak remaja di kamar mandi dengan gerakan yang berulang-ulang, huruf pertamanya M, huruf terakhir I ? (pak kepsek makin salah tingkah dengar pertanyaan bu guru)
Tole: Menggosok Gigi..
Ibu guru: Kegiatan apakah yang biasa dilakukan pria dan wanita yang lagi pacaran di malam hari, huruf pertamanya N, huruf terakhir T. (pak kepsek nyaris pingsan dengar pertanyaan terakhir)
Tole: Nonton Midnight.
Sebelum bu guru lanjutkan pertanyaan, pak kepsek memotong, ”Ibu guru, Tole masukkan ke kelas 6. Saya saja dari tadi salah terus jawab pertanyaan bu guru.
Akhirnya bu guru membawa Tole ke ruang kepala sekolah. Setelah diceritakan oleh bu guru, pak kepala sekolah mencoba menguji Tole dengan berbagai materi pelajaran murid kelas 3 SD.
Kepsek: Berapa 16 dikali 26?
Tole: 416
Kepsek: Perang Diponegoro berlangsung tahun berapa?
Tole: 1825-1830
Kepsek: Siapa penemu lampu bohlam?
Tole: Thomas Alfa Edison
Kepsek: Hewan yang makan daging dan tumbuhan termasuk golongan apa?
Tole: Omnivora
Setelah beberapa pertanyaan, pak Kepsek bilang ke ibu guru. “Kelihatannya Tole memang cerdas, saya rasa bisa masuk di kelas 3.”
Tapi ibu guru masih belum yakin, "Coba saya tes lagi pak kepsek,” kata bu guru.
Ibu guru: Benda apakah yang huruf pertama nya K, huruf terakhirnya L, yang bisa menjadi tegang, bisa lemas? (mendengar pertanyaan bu guru, pak Kepsek melongo kaget)
Tole: Ketapel..
Ibu guru: Ok, sekarang apakah yang huruf pertamanya M, huruf terakhir K, di tengah benda itu ada kacangnya? (pak kepsek makin melongo sambil melap keringat di jidatnya)
Tole: Martabak.
Ibu guru: Ok, berikut .... Kegiatan apakah yang biasa dilakukan anak remaja di kamar mandi dengan gerakan yang berulang-ulang, huruf pertamanya M, huruf terakhir I ? (pak kepsek makin salah tingkah dengar pertanyaan bu guru)
Tole: Menggosok Gigi..
Ibu guru: Kegiatan apakah yang biasa dilakukan pria dan wanita yang lagi pacaran di malam hari, huruf pertamanya N, huruf terakhir T. (pak kepsek nyaris pingsan dengar pertanyaan terakhir)
Tole: Nonton Midnight.
Sebelum bu guru lanjutkan pertanyaan, pak kepsek memotong, ”Ibu guru, Tole masukkan ke kelas 6. Saya saja dari tadi salah terus jawab pertanyaan bu guru.
Kenaikan Gaji
Seperti biasa pagi itu Kereta sudah penuh dengan penumpang. Berdiri sajapun terasa sesak sekali. Seorang penumpang cewek yang sedang berdiri mendadak berpaling dengan muka marah ke pria yang berdiri persis di belakangnya,
"Hei Kamu! Kalo kamu nggak berhenti menyodok-nyodok dari belakang, saya akan teriak biar kamu digebukin orang!"
"Saya nggak ngerti apa yang Mbak ngomongin", jawab pria itu, "Yang Mbak rasakan menonjol itu cuma uang yang saya taruh di kantung depan celana saya. Saya baru gajian nih Mbak"
"Oh ya??!!!", sahut si cewek dengan ketus, "Kalau gitu hebat benar Kamu ya, selama berdiri di situ gaji kamu bertambah terus!!!"
"Hei Kamu! Kalo kamu nggak berhenti menyodok-nyodok dari belakang, saya akan teriak biar kamu digebukin orang!"
"Saya nggak ngerti apa yang Mbak ngomongin", jawab pria itu, "Yang Mbak rasakan menonjol itu cuma uang yang saya taruh di kantung depan celana saya. Saya baru gajian nih Mbak"
"Oh ya??!!!", sahut si cewek dengan ketus, "Kalau gitu hebat benar Kamu ya, selama berdiri di situ gaji kamu bertambah terus!!!"
Tes Darah
Panjul datang ke rumah sakit, ingin cek-up mana tahu gula darahnya tinggi. Dia dilayani oleh seorang suster cantik. Suster Ngesot namanya, lengkapnya Ngesot Damayanti.
Suster Ngesot mulai memeriksa Panjul. Ujung jari Panjul ditusuk sedikit dengan jarum, lalu meneteslah darah segar dari bekas tusukan itu.
Suster Ngesot hanya mengambil sedikit tetesan darah untuk sampel, lalu ingin membersihkan sisa darah yang masih menetes dari jari Panjul. Sayang, tidak ada tissue di tempat itu.
Hmm.. karena Suster Ngesot tak punya tissue, maka dihisapnya jari Panjul yang masih berdarah itu.
Terkesan dengan hisapan lembut Suster Ngesot, Panjul tanya, "Suster, sekalian tes urine boleh??"
Suster Ngesot mulai memeriksa Panjul. Ujung jari Panjul ditusuk sedikit dengan jarum, lalu meneteslah darah segar dari bekas tusukan itu.
Suster Ngesot hanya mengambil sedikit tetesan darah untuk sampel, lalu ingin membersihkan sisa darah yang masih menetes dari jari Panjul. Sayang, tidak ada tissue di tempat itu.
Hmm.. karena Suster Ngesot tak punya tissue, maka dihisapnya jari Panjul yang masih berdarah itu.
Terkesan dengan hisapan lembut Suster Ngesot, Panjul tanya, "Suster, sekalian tes urine boleh??"
Missing Husband
A woman went to police station to file a report for her missing husband:
Woman: I lost my husband
Inspector: What is his height
Woman: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Woman Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Color of eyes
Woman: Never noticed
Inspector: Color of hair
Woman: Should be black
Inspector: What was he wearing
Woman: I don't remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
Woman: Yes my Labrador dog (Romeo), tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together.
The woman started crying
Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woman: I lost my husband
Inspector: What is his height
Woman: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Woman Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Color of eyes
Woman: Never noticed
Inspector: Color of hair
Woman: Should be black
Inspector: What was he wearing
Woman: I don't remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
Woman: Yes my Labrador dog (Romeo), tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together.
The woman started crying
Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Korupsi
Orang Indonesia bertanya pada orang Eropa, "Berapa gajimu dan untuk apa saja uang sejumlah itu?"
Orang Eropa menjawab, "Gaji saya 3.000 Euro, 1.000 euro untuk tempat tinggal, 1.000 Euro untuk makan, 500 Euro untuk hiburan.
''Lalu sisa 500 Euro untuk apa?", tanya orang Indonesia.
Orang Eropa menjawab secara ketus, "Oh, itu urusan saya, Anda tidak berhak bertanya!"
Kemudian orang Eropa berbalik bertanya. "Kalau Anda bagaimana?''
Gaji saya Rp 950 ribu, Rp 450 ribu untuk tempat tinggal, Rp 350 ribu untuk makan, Rp 250 ribu untuk transport, Rp 200 ribu untuk sekolah anak, Rp 200 ribu untuk bayar cicilan pinjaman, Rp100 ribu untuk ...."
Penjelasan orang Indonesia terhenti karena orang Eropa langsung bertanya. "Uang itu jumlahnya sudah melampui gaji anda. Sisanya dari mana?",
orang Indonesia menjawab dengan enteng, "Begini Mister, tentang uang yang kurang, itu urusan saya, Anda tidak berhak bertanya-tanya" .
Orang Eropa menjawab, "Gaji saya 3.000 Euro, 1.000 euro untuk tempat tinggal, 1.000 Euro untuk makan, 500 Euro untuk hiburan.
''Lalu sisa 500 Euro untuk apa?", tanya orang Indonesia.
Orang Eropa menjawab secara ketus, "Oh, itu urusan saya, Anda tidak berhak bertanya!"
Kemudian orang Eropa berbalik bertanya. "Kalau Anda bagaimana?''
Gaji saya Rp 950 ribu, Rp 450 ribu untuk tempat tinggal, Rp 350 ribu untuk makan, Rp 250 ribu untuk transport, Rp 200 ribu untuk sekolah anak, Rp 200 ribu untuk bayar cicilan pinjaman, Rp100 ribu untuk ...."
Penjelasan orang Indonesia terhenti karena orang Eropa langsung bertanya. "Uang itu jumlahnya sudah melampui gaji anda. Sisanya dari mana?",
orang Indonesia menjawab dengan enteng, "Begini Mister, tentang uang yang kurang, itu urusan saya, Anda tidak berhak bertanya-tanya" .
The Way Things Get?
An old couple often forgetting things decided to see a doctor for some help. The doctor said the best thing I know for you to do is write things down and let your notes remind you.
That night Ma asked Pa to fetch her a dish of ice cream.
Ma said you better write it down. Pa said no need to, you want a dish of ice cream. Ma said I would also like some strawberries on the ice cream.
You better write it down, Pa said.
No need to. You want a dish of ice cream with strawberries on top.
Then Ma said, "Would you put some whipping cream on it? Write it down."
Pa said, "No need to. You want a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream on top."
Twenty minutes later Pa came back and handed Ma a plate with bacon and eggs.
Ma asked, "Where is the toast?"
That night Ma asked Pa to fetch her a dish of ice cream.
Ma said you better write it down. Pa said no need to, you want a dish of ice cream. Ma said I would also like some strawberries on the ice cream.
You better write it down, Pa said.
No need to. You want a dish of ice cream with strawberries on top.
Then Ma said, "Would you put some whipping cream on it? Write it down."
Pa said, "No need to. You want a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream on top."
Twenty minutes later Pa came back and handed Ma a plate with bacon and eggs.
Ma asked, "Where is the toast?"
Pictures Back
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please keep your picture and send the rest back."
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please keep your picture and send the rest back."
How to Get A Bimbo Wife
Bob, a 70-year-old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all agog.
They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
His buddies at the club are all agog.
They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
Blonde Jokes
DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.
FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible! ' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic that it just died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." he says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within a half hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
DOGS
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO. .....,' answered the blonde.
'They're watch dogs'!
Two blondes were going to Disneyland They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.
FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible! ' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic that it just died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." he says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within a half hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
DOGS
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO. .....,' answered the blonde.
'They're watch dogs'!
My first Condom
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Levin's pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it...
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time...' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She then beat the shit out of me
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it...
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time...' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She then beat the shit out of me
Ferrari
A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.. He produces the title and everything checks out.
The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000? The Chinese replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return.'
Never laugh at a Chinese!
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.. He produces the title and everything checks out.
The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000? The Chinese replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return.'
Never laugh at a Chinese!
Konflik Polri vs TNI
Kejadian di depan Mall yogyakarta, danki Brimob berpangkat AKP berkelahi dengan Mayor CPM.
Keduanya berpakaian dinas lengkap terlibat adu mulut kemudian memanas sehingga masing-masing mencabut senjata.
Tetapi sebelum terjadi tembak menembak, Satpam Mall keluar dan dengan berani mengambil tindakan, demi menyelamatkan pengunjung Mall dari peluru nyasar.
Satpam tersebut melerai oknum TNI Polri tersebut tetapi mereka tetap memanas akhirnya Satpam tersebut tidak bisa menahan emosi dan menampar kedua oknum TNI Polri tersebut.
Setelah tindakan Satpam tersebut, akhirnya kedua oknum TNI dan Polri tersebut menyimpan senjatanya.
Wartawan yang berada di tempat kejadian langsung mewawancarai Satpam dan menanyakan keberaniannya menampar anggota TNI dan Polri yang berpangkat perwira.
Dengan ..datar satpam menjawab: "Mereka berdua anak saya. Dari kecil... kalo nggak ditampar nggak berhenti berantem
Keduanya berpakaian dinas lengkap terlibat adu mulut kemudian memanas sehingga masing-masing mencabut senjata.
Tetapi sebelum terjadi tembak menembak, Satpam Mall keluar dan dengan berani mengambil tindakan, demi menyelamatkan pengunjung Mall dari peluru nyasar.
Satpam tersebut melerai oknum TNI Polri tersebut tetapi mereka tetap memanas akhirnya Satpam tersebut tidak bisa menahan emosi dan menampar kedua oknum TNI Polri tersebut.
Setelah tindakan Satpam tersebut, akhirnya kedua oknum TNI dan Polri tersebut menyimpan senjatanya.
Wartawan yang berada di tempat kejadian langsung mewawancarai Satpam dan menanyakan keberaniannya menampar anggota TNI dan Polri yang berpangkat perwira.
Dengan ..datar satpam menjawab: "Mereka berdua anak saya. Dari kecil... kalo nggak ditampar nggak berhenti berantem
Girlfriends
A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see him and they can ride their bikes there.
10 years later, the group of 25 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.
10 years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and if they go late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
10 years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.
10 years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was reasonable, the wine list was good, they had windows that open in case of a hot flash, and fish is good for your cholesterol.
10 years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
10 years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because food was not too spicy, the restaurant was handicapped accessible and they even had an elevator!
10 years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
10 years later, the group of 25 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.
10 years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and if they go late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
10 years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.
10 years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was reasonable, the wine list was good, they had windows that open in case of a hot flash, and fish is good for your cholesterol.
10 years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
10 years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because food was not too spicy, the restaurant was handicapped accessible and they even had an elevator!
10 years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
Best vehicle to Ride
Women are the best vehicles in the world because:
- 2 beautiful headlights in front,
- 2 great bumpers at the back,
- Self-lubricating when hot,
- Finger touch ignition,
- Automatic engine oil change every month,
- Any type of pistons fit,
- Multiple seating styles & adjustments,
- Great accessories,
- Highest mileage: 9 months in just 5 mL!
That's why MEN are dying to get a ride!!
- 2 beautiful headlights in front,
- 2 great bumpers at the back,
- Self-lubricating when hot,
- Finger touch ignition,
- Automatic engine oil change every month,
- Any type of pistons fit,
- Multiple seating styles & adjustments,
- Great accessories,
- Highest mileage: 9 months in just 5 mL!
That's why MEN are dying to get a ride!!
9/11 attack
Now We Know Why He Was a General...
In an interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.
The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is to arrange the meeting."
In an interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.
The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is to arrange the meeting."
Storeroom
Agus sedang melancong ke Singapore, suatu hari dia lewat ke Little India.
Di ujung jalan dia lihat seorang india yg sedang duduk sambil elus2 kumisnya yg lumayan panjang
Merasa baru sekali ini dia melihat kumis yg panjang dan terawat, dia tertarik untuk mendekat.
"Sir, this is the first time I ever saw a person with a very long and neat moustache. May I touch it?"
"Oh sure...sure. ." (sambil geleng2 kepala)
Timbul ide untuk membeli satu rambut dari kumis India ini sebagai suvenir.
"With your permission, may I buy one hair of your moustache for a souvenir?"
"Oh sure..sure Sir. For $5 you can get it."
Ah, murah amat..dia piara tuh kumis aja udah berapa tahun..
Akhirnya Agus keluarkan $5 buat si India.
Kemudian sejenak si india berdiri...sambil ngendorin celananya dia masukkan tangan ke dalam celana dalamnya... tuing... dicabutnya satu bulu dan diberikan ke Agus.
Melihat hal ini Agus kaget...
"What? I mean I want to buy one hair from your moustache! not from down there!"
Si India dengan tenang menjawab "Sir... top is showroom... below is store room"
Di ujung jalan dia lihat seorang india yg sedang duduk sambil elus2 kumisnya yg lumayan panjang
Merasa baru sekali ini dia melihat kumis yg panjang dan terawat, dia tertarik untuk mendekat.
"Sir, this is the first time I ever saw a person with a very long and neat moustache. May I touch it?"
"Oh sure...sure. ." (sambil geleng2 kepala)
Timbul ide untuk membeli satu rambut dari kumis India ini sebagai suvenir.
"With your permission, may I buy one hair of your moustache for a souvenir?"
"Oh sure..sure Sir. For $5 you can get it."
Ah, murah amat..dia piara tuh kumis aja udah berapa tahun..
Akhirnya Agus keluarkan $5 buat si India.
Kemudian sejenak si india berdiri...sambil ngendorin celananya dia masukkan tangan ke dalam celana dalamnya... tuing... dicabutnya satu bulu dan diberikan ke Agus.
Melihat hal ini Agus kaget...
"What? I mean I want to buy one hair from your moustache! not from down there!"
Si India dengan tenang menjawab "Sir... top is showroom... below is store room"
25 cents
American Football FINALLY makes sense....
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! ' I'm like....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!! !!!!
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! ' I'm like....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!! !!!!
Prostate Check-up
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99' ".
The guy obeys and says,"99".
The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
Again, the guy says, '99'."
The doctor said,"Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three".
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99' ".
The guy obeys and says,"99".
The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
Again, the guy says, '99'."
The doctor said,"Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three".
100 Pukulan
Seorang Italia, seorang Argentinia dan seorang Jerman akhirnya menghadap Tuhan.
Tuhan: Untuk menebus dosa2 kalian selama hidup kalian akan mendapat 50 pukulan dengan tongkat. Tetapi untuk menunjukan Kasihku kalian masing masing boleh mengucapkan 1 pemintaan.
Pertama si Italia maju. Dia minta supaya diikat sebuah bantal dipunggungnya. Permintaannya diluluskan. Setelah pukulan ke-25 bantalnya hancur. Aduh... aduh ... ampun ..., teriaknya.
Giliran si Argentinia, dia minta supaya 2 bantal diikat pada punggungnya. Ini diluluskan dan dimulailah hukumannya. Tetapi si Argentina selamat tidak merasa sakit.
Sekarang giliran si Jerman.
Tuhan berkata: Karena kalian baru baru ini bermain bola dengan bagus kamu diberi 2 permintaan yang akan dikabulkan.
Jerman: Saya minta supaya diberikan 100 pukulan.
Tuhan: Saya tidak mengerti permohonan kamu, tetapi OK. Sekarang apa keinginan kamu kedua.
Jerman: ..... saya ingin supaya si Argentina diikat pada punggung saya ...
Tuhan: Untuk menebus dosa2 kalian selama hidup kalian akan mendapat 50 pukulan dengan tongkat. Tetapi untuk menunjukan Kasihku kalian masing masing boleh mengucapkan 1 pemintaan.
Pertama si Italia maju. Dia minta supaya diikat sebuah bantal dipunggungnya. Permintaannya diluluskan. Setelah pukulan ke-25 bantalnya hancur. Aduh... aduh ... ampun ..., teriaknya.
Giliran si Argentinia, dia minta supaya 2 bantal diikat pada punggungnya. Ini diluluskan dan dimulailah hukumannya. Tetapi si Argentina selamat tidak merasa sakit.
Sekarang giliran si Jerman.
Tuhan berkata: Karena kalian baru baru ini bermain bola dengan bagus kamu diberi 2 permintaan yang akan dikabulkan.
Jerman: Saya minta supaya diberikan 100 pukulan.
Tuhan: Saya tidak mengerti permohonan kamu, tetapi OK. Sekarang apa keinginan kamu kedua.
Jerman: ..... saya ingin supaya si Argentina diikat pada punggung saya ...
The Embarrassed Son
A wealthy Arab student sends an e-mail to his Dad saying....:
Dear Dad,
Toronto is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am bit embarrassed to arrive to my college in my Gold Mercedes, when all my teachers travel by train.
Your son Nasser
Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad :
Dear Loving son,
One Hundred and Thirty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.
Dear Dad,
Toronto is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am bit embarrassed to arrive to my college in my Gold Mercedes, when all my teachers travel by train.
Your son Nasser
Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad :
Dear Loving son,
One Hundred and Thirty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.
Anti Korupsi
Setelah proyek multimilyar dollar selesai, sang pegawai kedatangan tamu bule wakil dari HQ kantor pemenang tender. Udah 7 tahun di Jakarta jadi bisa ngomong bahasa Indonesia.
Bule: "Pak, ada hadiah dari kami untuk bapak. Saya parkir dibawah, mercy S 320."
pegawai : "Anda mau menyuap saya? ini apa-apaan? tender dah kelar kok. Jangan gitu ya, bahaya tau haree genee ngasih-ngasih hadiah."
Bule: "Tolonglah pak diterima. Kalau gak, saya dianggap gagal membina relasi oleh kantor pusat."
pegawai: "Ah, jangan gitu dong. Saya gak sudi!!"
Bule (mikir ): "Gini aja, pak. Gimana kalau bapak beli saja mobilnya..."
pegawai: "Mana saya ada uang beli mobil mahal gitu!!"
Bule menelpon kantor pusat.
Bule: "Saya ada solusi, Pak. Bapak beli mobilnya dg harga rp.10.000,- saja."
pegawai: "Bener ya? OK, saya mau. Jadi ini bukan suap. Pake kwitansi ya.."
Bule: "Tentu, Pak.."
Bule menyiapkan dan menyerahkan kwitansi. Dirjen membayar dengan uang 50 ribuan.
Mereka pun bersalaman.
Bule (sambil membuka dompet ): "Oh, maaf Pak. ini kembaliannya Rp.40.000,-. "
pegawai: "Gak usah pakai kembalian segala. Tolong kirim 4 mobil lagi ke rumah saya ya..."
Bule : @#$%^&**(
Bule: "Pak, ada hadiah dari kami untuk bapak. Saya parkir dibawah, mercy S 320."
pegawai : "Anda mau menyuap saya? ini apa-apaan? tender dah kelar kok. Jangan gitu ya, bahaya tau haree genee ngasih-ngasih hadiah."
Bule: "Tolonglah pak diterima. Kalau gak, saya dianggap gagal membina relasi oleh kantor pusat."
pegawai: "Ah, jangan gitu dong. Saya gak sudi!!"
Bule (mikir ): "Gini aja, pak. Gimana kalau bapak beli saja mobilnya..."
pegawai: "Mana saya ada uang beli mobil mahal gitu!!"
Bule menelpon kantor pusat.
Bule: "Saya ada solusi, Pak. Bapak beli mobilnya dg harga rp.10.000,- saja."
pegawai: "Bener ya? OK, saya mau. Jadi ini bukan suap. Pake kwitansi ya.."
Bule: "Tentu, Pak.."
Bule menyiapkan dan menyerahkan kwitansi. Dirjen membayar dengan uang 50 ribuan.
Mereka pun bersalaman.
Bule (sambil membuka dompet ): "Oh, maaf Pak. ini kembaliannya Rp.40.000,-. "
pegawai: "Gak usah pakai kembalian segala. Tolong kirim 4 mobil lagi ke rumah saya ya..."
Bule : @#$%^&**(
Never Tell The Wife She Has A Big Butt!
A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon, the wife was working in the garden while the husband was grilling hamburgers out on the lawn. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said...
'Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill.'
Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt.
'Yep,' he said,' just what I thought, just about the same size.'
The wife became outraged and left him outside alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said,
'How about it, honey? How about a little ooche coochee?'
The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
'What's the matter?' he asked. She replied...
'You don't think I'm going to fire up this big grill just for one little old weenie, do you?'
'Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill.'
Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt.
'Yep,' he said,' just what I thought, just about the same size.'
The wife became outraged and left him outside alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said,
'How about it, honey? How about a little ooche coochee?'
The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
'What's the matter?' he asked. She replied...
'You don't think I'm going to fire up this big grill just for one little old weenie, do you?'
Dark In Here
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the
cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '£750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a £1,000....'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'...
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the
cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '£750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a £1,000....'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'...
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!
How Fights Started
My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,
"Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive...
so, I took her to a petrol station.
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
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A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,
"Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive...
so, I took her to a petrol station.
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
Definition of Betting
A guy is put before the judge's bench because he is on trial for paying a prostitute for sex. "How do you plead?" asks the judge, to the defendant.
"Not Guilty, your honor."
Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds, "How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have both the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute right here on tape?"
"Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another 'heinous' crime ... Gambling."
"Gambling?" responds the prosecutor. "How so?"
"Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me tonight.' That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"
"Not Guilty, your honor."
Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds, "How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have both the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute right here on tape?"
"Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another 'heinous' crime ... Gambling."
"Gambling?" responds the prosecutor. "How so?"
"Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me tonight.' That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"
Discrimination
A Filipino goes to a Woolworth's grocery store in Sydney. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious.
He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Filipino to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Filipino goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks the Filipino Next week the Filipino finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. The Filipino goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.
The following week the Filipino comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.. The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately pulls it out. He shouts at the Filipino, "What the hell! This is shit, you idiot!"
The Filipino calmly replies, "Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper?"
The moral of the story is: Mess with OTHERS, but NEVER mess with Filipinos.
The Manager gets suspicious.
He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Filipino to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Filipino goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks the Filipino Next week the Filipino finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. The Filipino goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.
The following week the Filipino comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.. The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately pulls it out. He shouts at the Filipino, "What the hell! This is shit, you idiot!"
The Filipino calmly replies, "Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper?"
The moral of the story is: Mess with OTHERS, but NEVER mess with Filipinos.
If Adam & Eve Were Chinese
Someone told, that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise . Why?
Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!
Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!
Surat Buat Allah
Rio, seorang bocah yang sangat ingin melanjutkan sekolah, tetapi orang tuanya tidak mempunyai uang untuk
membiayai sekolahnya. Lagipula ibunya yang sedang sakit membutuhkan biaya untuk membeli obat. Akhirnya dia memutuskan untuk menulis surat kepada Allah :
Kepada Yth: Allah di Surga.
Allah yang baik, saya ingin melanjutkan sekolah, tapi orang tua saya tidak punya uang. Ibu saya juga sedang sakit, perlu beli obat. Allah saya butuh uang Rp 250.000 utk beli obat ibu, Rp 200.000 untuk membayar uang
sekolah, Rp 100.000 untuk membayar uang seragam, dan uang buku Rp 100.000. Jadi semuanya Rp 650.000
Terima kasih
Allah, saya tunggu kiriman uangnya. Dari: Rio
Rio pun pergi ke kantor pos untuk mengirim suratnya.
Membaca tujuan dari surat tersebut, petugas kantor pos merasa iba melihat Rio, sehingga tidak tega untuk mengembalikan suratnya.
Bingung mau di kemanakan surat itu, akhirnya petugas pos itu menyerahkannya ke kantor polisi terdekat. Membaca isi dari surat itu, Komandan polisi merasa iba dan tergerak hatinya utk menceritakan hal tsb kepada anak buahnya.
Walhasil, para polisi pun mengumpulkan dana utk diberikan ke Rio, tetapi dana yang terkumpul Hanya Rp 600.000,-
Sang Komandan pun memasukan uang yang terkumpul ke dalam amplop, menuliskan keterangan:
“Dari Allah di Surga” dan menyerahkan ke anak buahnya utk di kembalikan pada Rio.
Menerima uang tsb, Rio merasa sangat senang karena permintaannya terkabul, walaupun yang diterima hanya Rp 600.000,-. Rio pun bergegas untuk mengambil kertas dan pensil, dan mulai menulis surat lagi :
“ALLAH LAIN KALI KALO MAU KIRIM UANG, JANGAN LEWAT POLISI, KARENA KALO LEWAT POLISI DI POTONG RP 50.000,- * *
membiayai sekolahnya. Lagipula ibunya yang sedang sakit membutuhkan biaya untuk membeli obat. Akhirnya dia memutuskan untuk menulis surat kepada Allah :
Kepada Yth: Allah di Surga.
Allah yang baik, saya ingin melanjutkan sekolah, tapi orang tua saya tidak punya uang. Ibu saya juga sedang sakit, perlu beli obat. Allah saya butuh uang Rp 250.000 utk beli obat ibu, Rp 200.000 untuk membayar uang
sekolah, Rp 100.000 untuk membayar uang seragam, dan uang buku Rp 100.000. Jadi semuanya Rp 650.000
Terima kasih
Allah, saya tunggu kiriman uangnya. Dari: Rio
Rio pun pergi ke kantor pos untuk mengirim suratnya.
Membaca tujuan dari surat tersebut, petugas kantor pos merasa iba melihat Rio, sehingga tidak tega untuk mengembalikan suratnya.
Bingung mau di kemanakan surat itu, akhirnya petugas pos itu menyerahkannya ke kantor polisi terdekat. Membaca isi dari surat itu, Komandan polisi merasa iba dan tergerak hatinya utk menceritakan hal tsb kepada anak buahnya.
Walhasil, para polisi pun mengumpulkan dana utk diberikan ke Rio, tetapi dana yang terkumpul Hanya Rp 600.000,-
Sang Komandan pun memasukan uang yang terkumpul ke dalam amplop, menuliskan keterangan:
“Dari Allah di Surga” dan menyerahkan ke anak buahnya utk di kembalikan pada Rio.
Menerima uang tsb, Rio merasa sangat senang karena permintaannya terkabul, walaupun yang diterima hanya Rp 600.000,-. Rio pun bergegas untuk mengambil kertas dan pensil, dan mulai menulis surat lagi :
“ALLAH LAIN KALI KALO MAU KIRIM UANG, JANGAN LEWAT POLISI, KARENA KALO LEWAT POLISI DI POTONG RP 50.000,- * *
Akal Sekretaris Cantik
Suatu kisah sekretaris cantik yg ditugaskan oleh boss utk menemani klien penting si Raja minyak dari Arab. Si raja tertarik dgn kecantikan sang sekretaris, tiba2 dia meminta si sekretaris utk menikah,
Tentu saja sekretaris itu terkejut, namun ia teringat perintah boss utk tdk mengecewakan kliennya dlm hal apapun. Lalu dia memikirkan cara utk menolak ajakan dgn halus.
Baiklah,aku akan menikah dgnmu tapi tiga syarat.
1. Aku mau cincin kawin berlian 75 karat. bertahtakan intan ber mahkota tiga 200 karat.
Raja minyak arab terpekur sejenak lalu mengangguk, 'Ok...,Ok ana felikan...ana felikan.'
2. Aku mau dibuatkan istana di New York dan villa di tengah kota Paris lima mobil Ferarri dan tiga pesawat jet.
Raja kembali terpekur, 'Ok..Ok..ana fuatkan...ana fuatkan' '
Gawat' pikir si sekretaris, ia kembali memikirkan syarat terakhir, yg nyaris mustahil bisa dikabulkan si raja.
3. Sambil mengedipkan mata ia berkata : ' Aku suka sekali dgn sex,dan aku mau laki laki yg menjadi suamiku mempunyai 'Anu-nya' sepanjang 20cm.
Si Raja minyak tampak kaget dan kecewa dgn syarat terakhir ini, ia menutup wajahnya dgn kedua tangan sambil sesenggukan.
Akhirnya sambil mengusap air mata dan menatap sekretaris dgn sedih, ia berkata : 'Ok, Ok, ana fotong... ana fotong....'
Tentu saja sekretaris itu terkejut, namun ia teringat perintah boss utk tdk mengecewakan kliennya dlm hal apapun. Lalu dia memikirkan cara utk menolak ajakan dgn halus.
Baiklah,aku akan menikah dgnmu tapi tiga syarat.
1. Aku mau cincin kawin berlian 75 karat. bertahtakan intan ber mahkota tiga 200 karat.
Raja minyak arab terpekur sejenak lalu mengangguk, 'Ok...,Ok ana felikan...ana felikan.'
2. Aku mau dibuatkan istana di New York dan villa di tengah kota Paris lima mobil Ferarri dan tiga pesawat jet.
Raja kembali terpekur, 'Ok..Ok..ana fuatkan...ana fuatkan' '
Gawat' pikir si sekretaris, ia kembali memikirkan syarat terakhir, yg nyaris mustahil bisa dikabulkan si raja.
3. Sambil mengedipkan mata ia berkata : ' Aku suka sekali dgn sex,dan aku mau laki laki yg menjadi suamiku mempunyai 'Anu-nya' sepanjang 20cm.
Si Raja minyak tampak kaget dan kecewa dgn syarat terakhir ini, ia menutup wajahnya dgn kedua tangan sambil sesenggukan.
Akhirnya sambil mengusap air mata dan menatap sekretaris dgn sedih, ia berkata : 'Ok, Ok, ana fotong... ana fotong....'
Oneng & Syarat Pacar
Emak memberi nasihat sama si Oneng neng kalo cari pacar hrs pake 3 syarat:
1. harus hemat
2. harus lebih bodoh dari kamu
3. harus masih perjaka
Satu hari Oneng jalan2 ke puncak sama Bajuri
Tapi karena kemalaman terpaksa menginap di hotel.
Esoknya si Oneng laporan ke Emak: "Mak aku sudah dapat pacar sesuai syarat mak yaitu hemat, bodoh, perjaka!
Emak: "Apa buktinya?
Oneng: "Kemarin waktu kita kemalaman nginap di hotel, Bajuri bilang kita cukup 1 kamar aja, berarti HEMAT kan Mak! Lalu, tengah malam dia minta kita tidur jangan pake baju supaya gak kusut, padahal Puncak itu dingin. Nah berarti dia kan BODOH.."
Emak: "Hah ! Terus dari mana tahu masih perjaka ??"
Oneng: "Aku tahu dari burungnya dibungkus karet, artinya masih di segel ! ! ! Bener kan mak, itu tandanya masih PERJAKA."
Emak: (Gubrakxx pingsan..)
1. harus hemat
2. harus lebih bodoh dari kamu
3. harus masih perjaka
Satu hari Oneng jalan2 ke puncak sama Bajuri
Tapi karena kemalaman terpaksa menginap di hotel.
Esoknya si Oneng laporan ke Emak: "Mak aku sudah dapat pacar sesuai syarat mak yaitu hemat, bodoh, perjaka!
Emak: "Apa buktinya?
Oneng: "Kemarin waktu kita kemalaman nginap di hotel, Bajuri bilang kita cukup 1 kamar aja, berarti HEMAT kan Mak! Lalu, tengah malam dia minta kita tidur jangan pake baju supaya gak kusut, padahal Puncak itu dingin. Nah berarti dia kan BODOH.."
Emak: "Hah ! Terus dari mana tahu masih perjaka ??"
Oneng: "Aku tahu dari burungnya dibungkus karet, artinya masih di segel ! ! ! Bener kan mak, itu tandanya masih PERJAKA."
Emak: (Gubrakxx pingsan..)
3 Kondom
Abas masuk ke toko obat dan membeli sebuah kondom. Dengan riang dia bilang kepada pemilik toko bahwa sebentar lagi dia akan makan malam di rumah pacarnya. "Bapak kan tahu sendiri, biasanya setelah itu kan ada kelanjutannya" , tambah Abas sambil menyeringai. Kondom pun berpindah tangan.
Baru beberapa langkah ke luar toko, dia kembali masuk. "Saya minta satu lagi", katanya. "Adik pacar saya juga cantik. Agak genit pula. Saya rasa dia juga naksir saya. Siapa tahu malam ini saya mujur...". Kondom kedua berpindah tangan.
Abas kembali masuk dan minta tambahan satu kondom lagi. "Begini, ibunya juga tak kalah seksi. Penampilannya jauh lebih muda dari usianya. Dan kalau duduk di depan saya, dia selalu menyilangkan kaki. Saya yakin dia juga tak keberatan kalau saya dekati...".
Dengan berbekal tiga kondom, Abas datang ke rumah pacarnya sambil tak putus bersiul.
Sajian sudah siap. Pacar Abas, adik dan ibunya sudah menunggu. Abas pun langsung bergabung. Mereka menunggu sang ayah.
Begitu sang ayah masuk ke ruang makan, Abas langsung memimpin doa sambil menunduk dalam-dalam. Yang lain-lain ikut menundukkan kepala.
Satu menit berlalu. Abas makin khusuk berdoa. Dua menit. Abas terus komat-kamit -- cukup panjang untuk sebuah doa sebelum makan.
Pada menit keempat, pacarnya menyenggol kakinya dan berbisik, "Saya baru tahu kamu ternyata sangat religius".
Sambil terus menunduk, Abas menjawab dengan suara hampir menangis:
"Saya juga baru tahu ayah kamu yang punya toko obat...."
Baru beberapa langkah ke luar toko, dia kembali masuk. "Saya minta satu lagi", katanya. "Adik pacar saya juga cantik. Agak genit pula. Saya rasa dia juga naksir saya. Siapa tahu malam ini saya mujur...". Kondom kedua berpindah tangan.
Abas kembali masuk dan minta tambahan satu kondom lagi. "Begini, ibunya juga tak kalah seksi. Penampilannya jauh lebih muda dari usianya. Dan kalau duduk di depan saya, dia selalu menyilangkan kaki. Saya yakin dia juga tak keberatan kalau saya dekati...".
Dengan berbekal tiga kondom, Abas datang ke rumah pacarnya sambil tak putus bersiul.
Sajian sudah siap. Pacar Abas, adik dan ibunya sudah menunggu. Abas pun langsung bergabung. Mereka menunggu sang ayah.
Begitu sang ayah masuk ke ruang makan, Abas langsung memimpin doa sambil menunduk dalam-dalam. Yang lain-lain ikut menundukkan kepala.
Satu menit berlalu. Abas makin khusuk berdoa. Dua menit. Abas terus komat-kamit -- cukup panjang untuk sebuah doa sebelum makan.
Pada menit keempat, pacarnya menyenggol kakinya dan berbisik, "Saya baru tahu kamu ternyata sangat religius".
Sambil terus menunduk, Abas menjawab dengan suara hampir menangis:
"Saya juga baru tahu ayah kamu yang punya toko obat...."
Telepon Emas & Soeharto
Saat melakukan lawatan ke Amerika Serikat, Soeharto mengunjungi Gedung Putih Sebagai pimpinan negara ketiga, ia sangat terkagum-kagum dengan kemewahan interior istana kepresidenan Paman Sam itu. Ia tambah kagum lagi saat masuk ke ruangan Bill Clinton. Di ruangan itu terdapat sebuah telepon berwarna emas yang menghiasi meja kerja Clinton.
Mata Soeharto lama tidak beranjak dalam memandang telepon itu. Clintonpun tahu maksud kawannya itu sehingga ia serta merta menawarkan kepada Soeharto, "Silakan kalau Anda mau mencoba. Telepon ini istimewa, bisa dipakai menelepon ke mana saja", kata Clinton.
Belum selesai Clinton bicara, Soeharto segera memotongnya, "Maksud Anda pesawat ini juga bisa dipakai untuk telepon ke surga?"
"Bisa, pokoknya kemana saja. Silakan kalau mau mencoba. Saya juga sering telepon ke surga untuk konsultasi kepada beberapa kepala negara di sana termasuk Soekarno. Cuma, ya itu, pulsanya mahal karena ini telepon istimewa. Satu menit 1000 dolar."
Soal biaya mahal bagi Soeharto tidaklah masalah karena ia yakin?
Kekayaannya tak akan habis hanya untuk membayar pulsa telepon. Lalu Soeharto mencoba nomor telepon surga yang telah diberikan dari Clinton.
"Halo, apakah saya bisa bicara dengan bu Tien?" tanya Soeharto.
Terdengar suara, "Siapa Bu Tien? Kami tidak kenal nama itu.
Apa Anda bisa menyebut nama lengkap atau dari mana asalnya?"
"Ibu Hajjah Raden Ayu Siti Hartinah Soeharto, ibunegara dari Indonesia," kata pak Harto.
Si penerima telepon mencoba mencari nama itu dalam daftar penghuni surga. Dan terdengar jawaban, "Maaf, nama tersebut tidak ada. Muka Soeharto mulai memerah. Ia tak yakin bahwa Bu Tien tidak ada di surga.
Clinton pura-pura tak tahu perubahan raut muka Soeharto. Clinton lantas menyodorkan nomer telepon baru, "Harto coba Anda hubungi nomor ini, mungkin Bu Tien ada di sana," kata Clinton.
Serta-merta Soeharto pun segera menelpon nomor yang dimaksud. Dan ternyata, bu Tien ada di situ cuma harus menunggu lama karena ia berada di tempat yang paling ujung.
"Bapak, katanya mau segera menyusul, kok belum juga muncul sih. Aku sangat gerah di sini, panas," kata Bu Tien.
"Kalau aku nyusul sekarang, aku takut siapa yang akan menjaga harta kita. Anak dan cucu kita pasti dimusuhi rakyat. Lho kok kamu kepanasan,memangnya kamu ada di mana?" tanya Soeharto.
Soeharto pun baru tahu bahwa Bu Tien ada di neraka. Karena malu, Soeharto pun berusaha tidak menceritakannya kepada orang lain, termasuk kepada rombongan yang ikut hadir di gedung putih. Walaupun demikian Soeharto tetap bergembira bisa berbincang-bincang dengan istrinya.
Setelah selesai perbincangan dengan Bu Tien ia membayar biaya percakapan yang jumlahnya sekitar 15.000 dolar. Selesai membayar, Soeharto tidak segera beranjak dari meja Clinton. Ia masih memandangi dan memegang-megang gagang telepon. Clinton pun tahu maksudnya. "Anda bisa membeli telepon itu kalau mau harganya 100.000 dolar," katanya.
Mendengar kalimat tersebut Soeharto kontan berdiri dan mendekati Moerdiono.
"Moer, sediakan uang sebanyak itu sekarang juga. Bayar dan bawa pulang telepon ini. Kabarkan pula kepada anak dan cucu saya, supaya berkumpul di rumah ketika aku pulang", perintah Soeharto.
Dan betul juga, seusai kunjungan kerja di Cendana sudah berkumpul anak-anak dan cucu Soeharto. Juga tampak hadir kerabat Bu Tien dan Soeharto dari Solo.Belum sempat istirahat, Soeharto langsung
memerintahkan kepada Moerdiono untuk segera memasang telepon emas itu.
Setelah terpasang, satu per satu anak dan cucu Soeharto menelepon Bu Tien hingga menghabiskan waktu sekitar 2 jam.Tapi apa yang terjadi, Soeharto kaget, karena ternyata biaya teleponnya tidak semahal sewaktu
pemakaian digedung putih. Dalam waktu 2 jam, biaya pulsanya hanya 5000 dolar. Soeharto segera mengangkat telepon dan menghubungi Clinton. Ia marah-marah.
"Hai Clinton. Kamu menipu saya. Waktu saya telepon pakai telepon emas ini dari Gedung Putih, 15 menit biayanya15.000 dolar. Sedangkan kami dari Cendana dengan pemakaian dua jam biayanya hanya 5.000 dolar. Kamu ingin memeras saya ya?"
Mendengar hal tersebut Clinton dengan dingin dan santai menjawab,
"Jangan marah dulu. Harap diketahui, saluran telepon dari Gedung Putih ke neraka itu pulsanya pulsa internasional sehingga biayanya mahal.
Kalau dari Cendana ke neraka itu kan termasuk pulsa lokal." !!!!!!!!!
Mata Soeharto lama tidak beranjak dalam memandang telepon itu. Clintonpun tahu maksud kawannya itu sehingga ia serta merta menawarkan kepada Soeharto, "Silakan kalau Anda mau mencoba. Telepon ini istimewa, bisa dipakai menelepon ke mana saja", kata Clinton.
Belum selesai Clinton bicara, Soeharto segera memotongnya, "Maksud Anda pesawat ini juga bisa dipakai untuk telepon ke surga?"
"Bisa, pokoknya kemana saja. Silakan kalau mau mencoba. Saya juga sering telepon ke surga untuk konsultasi kepada beberapa kepala negara di sana termasuk Soekarno. Cuma, ya itu, pulsanya mahal karena ini telepon istimewa. Satu menit 1000 dolar."
Soal biaya mahal bagi Soeharto tidaklah masalah karena ia yakin?
Kekayaannya tak akan habis hanya untuk membayar pulsa telepon. Lalu Soeharto mencoba nomor telepon surga yang telah diberikan dari Clinton.
"Halo, apakah saya bisa bicara dengan bu Tien?" tanya Soeharto.
Terdengar suara, "Siapa Bu Tien? Kami tidak kenal nama itu.
Apa Anda bisa menyebut nama lengkap atau dari mana asalnya?"
"Ibu Hajjah Raden Ayu Siti Hartinah Soeharto, ibunegara dari Indonesia," kata pak Harto.
Si penerima telepon mencoba mencari nama itu dalam daftar penghuni surga. Dan terdengar jawaban, "Maaf, nama tersebut tidak ada. Muka Soeharto mulai memerah. Ia tak yakin bahwa Bu Tien tidak ada di surga.
Clinton pura-pura tak tahu perubahan raut muka Soeharto. Clinton lantas menyodorkan nomer telepon baru, "Harto coba Anda hubungi nomor ini, mungkin Bu Tien ada di sana," kata Clinton.
Serta-merta Soeharto pun segera menelpon nomor yang dimaksud. Dan ternyata, bu Tien ada di situ cuma harus menunggu lama karena ia berada di tempat yang paling ujung.
"Bapak, katanya mau segera menyusul, kok belum juga muncul sih. Aku sangat gerah di sini, panas," kata Bu Tien.
"Kalau aku nyusul sekarang, aku takut siapa yang akan menjaga harta kita. Anak dan cucu kita pasti dimusuhi rakyat. Lho kok kamu kepanasan,memangnya kamu ada di mana?" tanya Soeharto.
Soeharto pun baru tahu bahwa Bu Tien ada di neraka. Karena malu, Soeharto pun berusaha tidak menceritakannya kepada orang lain, termasuk kepada rombongan yang ikut hadir di gedung putih. Walaupun demikian Soeharto tetap bergembira bisa berbincang-bincang dengan istrinya.
Setelah selesai perbincangan dengan Bu Tien ia membayar biaya percakapan yang jumlahnya sekitar 15.000 dolar. Selesai membayar, Soeharto tidak segera beranjak dari meja Clinton. Ia masih memandangi dan memegang-megang gagang telepon. Clinton pun tahu maksudnya. "Anda bisa membeli telepon itu kalau mau harganya 100.000 dolar," katanya.
Mendengar kalimat tersebut Soeharto kontan berdiri dan mendekati Moerdiono.
"Moer, sediakan uang sebanyak itu sekarang juga. Bayar dan bawa pulang telepon ini. Kabarkan pula kepada anak dan cucu saya, supaya berkumpul di rumah ketika aku pulang", perintah Soeharto.
Dan betul juga, seusai kunjungan kerja di Cendana sudah berkumpul anak-anak dan cucu Soeharto. Juga tampak hadir kerabat Bu Tien dan Soeharto dari Solo.Belum sempat istirahat, Soeharto langsung
memerintahkan kepada Moerdiono untuk segera memasang telepon emas itu.
Setelah terpasang, satu per satu anak dan cucu Soeharto menelepon Bu Tien hingga menghabiskan waktu sekitar 2 jam.Tapi apa yang terjadi, Soeharto kaget, karena ternyata biaya teleponnya tidak semahal sewaktu
pemakaian digedung putih. Dalam waktu 2 jam, biaya pulsanya hanya 5000 dolar. Soeharto segera mengangkat telepon dan menghubungi Clinton. Ia marah-marah.
"Hai Clinton. Kamu menipu saya. Waktu saya telepon pakai telepon emas ini dari Gedung Putih, 15 menit biayanya15.000 dolar. Sedangkan kami dari Cendana dengan pemakaian dua jam biayanya hanya 5.000 dolar. Kamu ingin memeras saya ya?"
Mendengar hal tersebut Clinton dengan dingin dan santai menjawab,
"Jangan marah dulu. Harap diketahui, saluran telepon dari Gedung Putih ke neraka itu pulsanya pulsa internasional sehingga biayanya mahal.
Kalau dari Cendana ke neraka itu kan termasuk pulsa lokal." !!!!!!!!!
Definition of success
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants
At age 12 success is having friends
At age 16 success is having a drivers license
At age 20 success is having sex
At age 35 success is having money
At age 50 success is having money
At age 60 success is having sex
At age 70 success is having a drivers license
At age 75 success is having friends
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
See the pattern, after all the struggles, you are back to where you are at the beginning..
At age 12 success is having friends
At age 16 success is having a drivers license
At age 20 success is having sex
At age 35 success is having money
At age 50 success is having money
At age 60 success is having sex
At age 70 success is having a drivers license
At age 75 success is having friends
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
See the pattern, after all the struggles, you are back to where you are at the beginning..
Mie Panas
Dalam sebuah jamuan makan malam resmi, seorang pria ambasador dari negara barat ( ketika mengambil makanan ) berusaha utk ramah terhadap seorang nyonya separuh baya yg merupakan salah satu pejabat dr Indonesia.
Ambasador : "Do you like salad?" Dikira nanya'in sholat, sang nyonya menjawab : "Oh yes, five times a day."
Ambasador : "Wow, that's very healthy! What kind of dressing do you like for salad?"
Nyonya : "Mukena, of course."
Sang ambasador berpikir keras : "That must be a new dressing for salad I never knew before."
Ketika sampai di bagian chinese food, sang nyonya mencoba membalas keramahan si ambasador.Meski bahasa Inggris pas-pasan, tapi sang nyonya nekad sambil nyendok mie yg masih panas sang nyonya berusaha menjamu tamunya dengan baik dan menawarkan mie tersebut
"Do you like mie?"
Ambasador bingung, dipikirnya me = saya : "Eeemm... yes... with all my respect."
Nyonya (dengan mantap menimpali lagi) : "Still hot.. you know...!!"
Ambasador : "Do you like salad?" Dikira nanya'in sholat, sang nyonya menjawab : "Oh yes, five times a day."
Ambasador : "Wow, that's very healthy! What kind of dressing do you like for salad?"
Nyonya : "Mukena, of course."
Sang ambasador berpikir keras : "That must be a new dressing for salad I never knew before."
Ketika sampai di bagian chinese food, sang nyonya mencoba membalas keramahan si ambasador.Meski bahasa Inggris pas-pasan, tapi sang nyonya nekad sambil nyendok mie yg masih panas sang nyonya berusaha menjamu tamunya dengan baik dan menawarkan mie tersebut
"Do you like mie?"
Ambasador bingung, dipikirnya me = saya : "Eeemm... yes... with all my respect."
Nyonya (dengan mantap menimpali lagi) : "Still hot.. you know...!!"
Eliminasi Huruf Abjad
Abjad yang digunakan di dalam bahasa Indonesia berjumlah 26, rasanya terlalu banyak, dan lagipula ada beberapa abjad yang jarang sekali digunakan. Oleh karena itu mari kita sederhanakan abjad-abjad tersebut
Pertama, huruf X, diganti dengan gabungan huruf K dan S Kebetulan hampir tidak ada kata dalam bahasa Indonesia yang menggunakan huruf ini, kebanyakan merupakan kata serapan dari bahasa asing. Misalnya taxi jadi taksi, maximal jadi maksimal, dst. Selanjutnya, huruf Q kita ganti dengan KW..
Serupa dengan X, kata2 yang mengunakan huruf ini juga sangat sedikit sekali. Berikutnya, huruf Z. Huruf Z kita ganti menjadi C Tidak ada alasan kuat tentang hal ini. Huruf Y diganti dengan I. Hal ini dilakukan sebab bunii huruf tersebut mirip dengan I. Kemudian huruf F dan V keduania diganti menjadi P. Pada lepel ini masih belum terjadi perubahan iang signipikan. Hurup W kemudian diganti menjadi hurup U.
Berarti sampai saat ini kita sudah mengeliminasi 7 hurup. Hurup iang bisa dieliminasi lagi adalah R, mengingat baniak org iang kesulitan meniebutkan hurup tersebut. R kita ganti dengan L. Selanjutnia, gabungan hulup KH diganti menjadi H. Iang paling belpengaluh adalah hulup S iang diganti menjadi C. Hulup G juga diganti menjadi K. Dan hulup J juga diganti menjadi C. Caia laca cudah cukup untuk hulup-hulup konconannia. Cekalank kita kanti hulup pokalnia. Cuma ada lima hulup pokal, A, I , U, E, O.
Kita akan eliminaci dua hulup pokal. Hulup I mencadi dua hulup E iaitu EE.
Cementala hulup U mencadee dua hulup O iaitoo OO. Cadi, campe cekalank, keeta belhaceel menkulangee hooloop-hooloop keeta. Kalaoo keeta tooleeckan lagee, Hooloop-hooloop eeang telceeca adalah : A, B, C, D, E, H, K, L, M, N, O, P, T.
Haneea ada 12 belac hooloop !! Looal beeaca bookan ?? Padahal cebeloomneea keeta pooneea 26 hooloop. Eenee adalah penemooan eeang cankat penteenk dan cikneepeekan !! Co, ceelahkan keeleemkan tooleecan anda denkan menkkoonakan dooa belac hooloop telceboot
Seniors in love
An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her host to say, 'I think it's wonderful that,
after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving pet names'.
The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her host to say, 'I think it's wonderful that,
after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving pet names'.
The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.
Yahoo
Christine, seorang sekretaris cantik dari Michigan, sedang dalam perjalanannya yang pertama menyeberangi Amerika. Di sebuah gurun, ia terpaksa berhenti karena mobilnya kehabisan bensin.
Seorang Indian memberinya tumpangan dengan membonceng kuda.
Selama perjalanan, setiap beberapa menit si Indian berteriak "Yah-hoo" dengan kerasnya hingga gaungnya terdengar di seluruh gurun.
Akhirnya, Christine turun di sebuah pomba bensin dan si Indian berlalu sambil meneriakkan, "Yah-hoo! "nya yang terakhir.
"Kau apakan sikulit merah tadi." tanya pemilik pompa. "Sampai ia berteriak-teriak seperti itu?"
"Tidak kuapa-apakan" sahut Christine.
"Aku hanya duduk diam-diam di belakang. Kulingkarkan tanganku di sekeliling pinggangnya sambil berpegang erat-erat pada tanduk pelananya".
"Nona," kata orang itu, "Orang Indian menunggang kuda tanpa pelana!!!"
YAHOOOOOOO !
Seorang Indian memberinya tumpangan dengan membonceng kuda.
Selama perjalanan, setiap beberapa menit si Indian berteriak "Yah-hoo" dengan kerasnya hingga gaungnya terdengar di seluruh gurun.
Akhirnya, Christine turun di sebuah pomba bensin dan si Indian berlalu sambil meneriakkan, "Yah-hoo! "nya yang terakhir.
"Kau apakan sikulit merah tadi." tanya pemilik pompa. "Sampai ia berteriak-teriak seperti itu?"
"Tidak kuapa-apakan" sahut Christine.
"Aku hanya duduk diam-diam di belakang. Kulingkarkan tanganku di sekeliling pinggangnya sambil berpegang erat-erat pada tanduk pelananya".
"Nona," kata orang itu, "Orang Indian menunggang kuda tanpa pelana!!!"
YAHOOOOOOO !
The Tired Marine
The train was quite crowded, so a US Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was beside a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman who had her poodle sitting on it.
The war-weary marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The marine walked the length of the entire train again, but still the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! Put this American beast in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. 'My dear fellow, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bi*ch out the window!'
The war-weary marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The marine walked the length of the entire train again, but still the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! Put this American beast in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. 'My dear fellow, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bi*ch out the window!'
The Attendant's Ladies Room
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied.
The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: 'WW', 'WA', 'PP' and 'ATR'.
Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow, these gals really have it nice."
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services."
Then he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.
He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow."
The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: 'WW', 'WA', 'PP' and 'ATR'.
Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow, these gals really have it nice."
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services."
Then he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.
He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow."
The husband became the wife
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
-
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman...
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids,
-
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
-
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
-
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog..
Then, it was already 1 P..M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument
with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
-
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day..
Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back..
Amen!'
-
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.'
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
-
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman...
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids,
-
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
-
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
-
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog..
Then, it was already 1 P..M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument
with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
-
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day..
Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back..
Amen!'
-
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.'
3 Putri
Alkisah ada 3 anak putri: Vira, Voni, dan Veni yang dinikahkan oleh orangtuanya. Setelah itu mereka pergi bulan madu bersamaan.
Kalau Vira pergi pulau Batam, Voni pergi ke Kepulauan Seribu dan Veni sibungsu pergi ke Bali.
Orang tua mereka minta dikirim kabar tentang segala yang terjadi selama mereka berbulan madu. Tapi agar berita yang dikirim adalah singkat dan tidak terlalu vulgar, mereka menggunakan moto-moto iklan. Dan biar praktis dan murah, disepakati pengiriman lewat SMS.
2 Hari setelah kepergian anak mereka berbulan madu, diterimalah sebuah SMS.. yang rupanya dari VIRA di Pulau Batam. Isi beritanya cukup sederhana "STANDARD CHARTERED".
Setelah membaca berita tersebut mereka mencari iklan Standard Chartered di koran dan terbacalah tulisan besar berbunyi "BESAR,KUAT dan BERSAHABAT". Tersenyumlah kedua orang tua mereka membaca berita dari Vira.
Hari ke 4 datang SMS kedua, yang rupanya berasal dari VONI di Kepulauan Seribu..... Isi beritanya juga cukup singkat yaitu...NESCAFE.
Setelah membaca surat tersebut.. dengan tergesa-gesa kedua orang tua mereka mencari koran dan membaca iklan NESCAFE yang berbunyi "NIKMATNYA SAMPAI TETES TERAKHIR".
Maka kedua orang tua mereka pun tersenyum bahagia sambil sedikit haha..hihi.
Hari ke-8...mereka menerima SMS juga dari VENI yang berbulan madu di Bali dan isi beritanya cukup singkat CATHAY PACIFIC !!!
Segera kedua orang tua mereka mencari iklan penerbangan Cathay Pacific yang ada di koran ... dan dijumpailah iklan penerbangan dengan tulisan besar "7 KALI SEMINGGU, 3 KALI SEHARI, 5 JAM NON-STOP. MEREKA LANGSUNG BERDOA MINTA PERTOLONGAN TUHAN.
Kalau Vira pergi pulau Batam, Voni pergi ke Kepulauan Seribu dan Veni sibungsu pergi ke Bali.
Orang tua mereka minta dikirim kabar tentang segala yang terjadi selama mereka berbulan madu. Tapi agar berita yang dikirim adalah singkat dan tidak terlalu vulgar, mereka menggunakan moto-moto iklan. Dan biar praktis dan murah, disepakati pengiriman lewat SMS.
2 Hari setelah kepergian anak mereka berbulan madu, diterimalah sebuah SMS.. yang rupanya dari VIRA di Pulau Batam. Isi beritanya cukup sederhana "STANDARD CHARTERED".
Setelah membaca berita tersebut mereka mencari iklan Standard Chartered di koran dan terbacalah tulisan besar berbunyi "BESAR,KUAT dan BERSAHABAT". Tersenyumlah kedua orang tua mereka membaca berita dari Vira.
Hari ke 4 datang SMS kedua, yang rupanya berasal dari VONI di Kepulauan Seribu..... Isi beritanya juga cukup singkat yaitu...NESCAFE.
Setelah membaca surat tersebut.. dengan tergesa-gesa kedua orang tua mereka mencari koran dan membaca iklan NESCAFE yang berbunyi "NIKMATNYA SAMPAI TETES TERAKHIR".
Maka kedua orang tua mereka pun tersenyum bahagia sambil sedikit haha..hihi.
Hari ke-8...mereka menerima SMS juga dari VENI yang berbulan madu di Bali dan isi beritanya cukup singkat CATHAY PACIFIC !!!
Segera kedua orang tua mereka mencari iklan penerbangan Cathay Pacific yang ada di koran ... dan dijumpailah iklan penerbangan dengan tulisan besar "7 KALI SEMINGGU, 3 KALI SEHARI, 5 JAM NON-STOP. MEREKA LANGSUNG BERDOA MINTA PERTOLONGAN TUHAN.
Greatest Questions & Answers
THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them. Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch... BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
Q: What is a man's Ultimateembarrassment? A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
Nominated as the world's best short joke
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Not yet,' she replied.
Don't Kick
A little Texas farm boy came down to breakfast.. Since they live on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother told him no breakfast until he did his chores. Well, he was a little teed off, so he went to feed the chickens, and he kicked a chicken. He went to feed the cows, and he kicked a cow. He went to feed the pigs, and he kicked a pig.
He went back in for breakfast, and his mother gave him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? And why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asked. "Well," his mother said, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you are not getting any milk."
Just then, his father came down for breakfast and kicked the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looked up at his mother with a grin, and said........ ....."Well, are you going to tell him, or should I?"
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