Anne Chang => Dirty (Mandarin)
Anne Chin => Keep Quiet (Mandarin)
Faye Chen => Dusty (Mandarin)
Carl Cheng => Buttock (Hokkien)
Monica Cheng => Touching your buttocks (Hokkien)
Lucy Leow => You are dead (Hokkien)
Jane Tan => Frying eggs (Mandarin)
SuzieLeow => Lose till death (Hokkien)
Henry Mah => Hate your mum (Mandarin)
Corrine Tai => Poor fellow (Hokkien)
Paul Chan => Bankrupt (Mandarin)
Nelson Tan => Bird laying eggs (Mandarin)
Leslie Tong => Rubbish Bin (Mandarin)
Carmen Teng => Leg hair long (Hokkien)
Connie Mah => Call your mother (Cantonese)
Danny See => Squeeze you to death (Hokkien)
Rosie Teng => Screws and nails (Hokkien)
Pete Tsai => Nose droppings (Hokkien)
Macy Koh => Never die before (Cantonese)
How To Create Perfect Marriage
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship; she goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds; Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere; but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands; if I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She complained "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, " Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in."
10. Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.
13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust."
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship; she goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds; Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere; but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands; if I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She complained "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, " Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in."
10. Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.
13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust."
29 ways to know if you're Chinese
Have a good laugh at yourselves !!!, Oh My goodness ! Are you VERY Chinese ?
Please check the list to see how Chinese you really are. 29 ways to know if you're Chinese.
You will laugh at yourself when you read all of them.
1. You unwrap gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those ribbons).
2. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has move out.
3. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.
4. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers. You use the grocery bags to hold garbage.
5. You hate to waste food:
(a) Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them.
(Your mom will give a lecture about starving kids in Africa)
(b) You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites office or one leftover chicken wing.
6. You don't own any real Tupperware-only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, take out containers, and jam jars.
7. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
8. You wipe your plate and utensils or wash them in a small basin of hot water before you eat every time you go to a restaurant.
9. You own a rice cooker and a slow cooker.
10. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.
11. You fight (literally) over who pays the dinner bill.
12. You have a teacup with a cover on it.
13. If you're under age 20, you own a really expensive walkman. If you're over 20, you own a really expensive camera.
14. You're a wok user.
15. You only make long distance calls after 7pm.
16. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached-it, means they're fresh.
17. You never call your parents just to say,'Hi.'
18. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they'll ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
19. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay indoors when you get sick. They also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because such food are 'heaty' (yeet hay in Cantonese).
20. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart.
21. You always cook too much.
22. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.
23. You starve yourself before going to 'All You Can Eat' buffet.
24. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewellery or electronics, computers.
25. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.
26. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
27. You call a sausage a hotdog.
28. You wrap with napkins all the knives, spoons and forks of the airline that you fly on and put in your travel-bag as souvenirs
29. You never forget to take with you all the unused bath and facial tissues when you check out from the hotel because you believe that you have paid its all.
Now that you have read the lot, are they mostly true? Will you take this message and forward it to all Chinese friends, because you will always be proud that you're indeed a great Chinese.
Please check the list to see how Chinese you really are. 29 ways to know if you're Chinese.
You will laugh at yourself when you read all of them.
1. You unwrap gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those ribbons).
2. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has move out.
3. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.
4. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers. You use the grocery bags to hold garbage.
5. You hate to waste food:
(a) Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them.
(Your mom will give a lecture about starving kids in Africa)
(b) You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites office or one leftover chicken wing.
6. You don't own any real Tupperware-only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, take out containers, and jam jars.
7. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
8. You wipe your plate and utensils or wash them in a small basin of hot water before you eat every time you go to a restaurant.
9. You own a rice cooker and a slow cooker.
10. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.
11. You fight (literally) over who pays the dinner bill.
12. You have a teacup with a cover on it.
13. If you're under age 20, you own a really expensive walkman. If you're over 20, you own a really expensive camera.
14. You're a wok user.
15. You only make long distance calls after 7pm.
16. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached-it, means they're fresh.
17. You never call your parents just to say,'Hi.'
18. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they'll ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
19. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay indoors when you get sick. They also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because such food are 'heaty' (yeet hay in Cantonese).
20. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart.
21. You always cook too much.
22. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.
23. You starve yourself before going to 'All You Can Eat' buffet.
24. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewellery or electronics, computers.
25. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.
26. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
27. You call a sausage a hotdog.
28. You wrap with napkins all the knives, spoons and forks of the airline that you fly on and put in your travel-bag as souvenirs
29. You never forget to take with you all the unused bath and facial tissues when you check out from the hotel because you believe that you have paid its all.
Now that you have read the lot, are they mostly true? Will you take this message and forward it to all Chinese friends, because you will always be proud that you're indeed a great Chinese.
Generasi Jadul
Komunitas 90'an
PD = Percaya Diri
bela-belain bangun pagi, just to watch Power Rangers hari Minggu jam 9...
dan Doraemon jam 8...eits, jangan lupa Detective conan & Dragon Ball afterwards...
dan Simba Singa Putih...la la la la la...
How 'bout Saint Seiya, hari Senin Jam 5 d RCTI
cewe2 : Sailormoon (sailor Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Tuxedo bertopeng, dll)
so tell me what u want, what u really2 want (Spicegirls)...haha!
Ultraman d SCTV
Nintendo (Street Fighter)
SEGA (Mortal Kombat)
Super Nintendo
ada yg inget majalah Fantasi atau Bobo ga?
Reading Komik Goosebumps
Loe rasa Backstreet boys dulu TOP
how 'bout Tamagotchi
Sesame Street dgn Big Bird, Elmo, & Kermit
Kura2 Ninja
ada yg inget punya koleksi barang serba lambang 'ALIEN'
Sepatu dgn lampu nyala dbelakang serasa..COOOOLLL!!!
Back to Laser Disc, not VCD nor DVD
Hallooooo...Walkie Talkie...
Susi Susanti, Alan Budikusuma menang Olimpiade Barcelona
ssssstttttt...jangan ganggu, gw lg ntn Tersanjung...
HOT WHEELS, TAMIYA, mobil2an...& bwt cewe2 (Barbie...off course!)
inget jaman2nya Gundu / Kelereng?
pernah ntn : Lion King / Home Alone 1,2,3 / Batman / Forest Gump / ....yeah yeah...Titanic
ada yg pernah koleksi kertas Notebook dgn gambar2 keren?
FULL HOUSE...YEAHHHHHHH
MTv masih d ANTv
wah, jam 9 mlm, saatnya Dunia Dalam Berita d semua channel, dan layar emas pun dipotong...Kata Ayah : "Anak2...saatnya tidurrrr..!!"...(sialan kepotong ntn layar emasnya!)...rrrrgh!
blm ada TRANS TV, TV 7, GLOBAL, & TV2 Lokal...
ada yg inget Desy Anwar?
saatnya Pake spatu baru / Tas baru d hari pertama sekolah
org2 yg berusia >17 serasa Tinggi banget & Tua...wakakakakaka
ROLLER BLADE!
kapan gw nyetir yak?
aaaaaaah, asik duduk d dpn mobil lg... (privilage donk!)
Girlsss...u know this song : I'm a big big girl...in a big big world...It's not a big big thing If u leave meeee...
Boys...u know this song : It's no matter if u r black or white...uuu uuuuuu....(Michael Jackson)
ada yg inget Jordy ga? (Penyanyi cilik dr Prancis)
do u also remember :
American Funniest Home Video
Family Feud
Wheel of Fortune
Takeshi Castle...(love the sentence : DOAKAN SAYA YAH!!!)
McGyver
The A-Team
Airwolf
Suamiku...Istrikuuuu...(hahaha!, ada yg inget ga?)
jgn lupakan Kitt (Mobil yg bisa ngomong) dr serial Knight Rider...& loe sampe heran, & bahkan percaya klo mobil itu sesungguhnya bisa ngomong
Baywatch...ssstttt (17 thn keatas....)..haha!
Layar Emas d RCTI tiap Senin Jam 8 mlm
Film Kungfu serasa Mengasikkan
Beverly Hills 90210
21 Jump Street
*Inget juga waktu :
blm ada HP, sms, Bluetooth, HP w/ camera, 3G, MMS, etc...
blm ada siaran bola langsung
No Internet
No Facebook nor Friendster
No Camera Digital (& u have too buy films for ur disposal camera such as : asa 100, asa 200 or asa 400)
Jamannya ortu kita pake Pager...
Yupp...Tidit Tidit...Pagerku berbunyi...Tidit Tidit begitu bunyinya...Haha!
No IPod & MP3 Player
Kompie masih pake MS-DOS
Sering bwt janji lwt tlp, & kita harus hafal nomor2 tlp tmn sekelas...
Michael Jordan & Chicago Bulls...Rock On!!!
oy, ada yg punya baju Superman dgn sayap d belakang ga?...haha!...remember those days...
PD = Percaya Diri
bela-belain bangun pagi, just to watch Power Rangers hari Minggu jam 9...
dan Doraemon jam 8...eits, jangan lupa Detective conan & Dragon Ball afterwards...
dan Simba Singa Putih...la la la la la...
How 'bout Saint Seiya, hari Senin Jam 5 d RCTI
cewe2 : Sailormoon (sailor Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Tuxedo bertopeng, dll)
so tell me what u want, what u really2 want (Spicegirls)...haha!
Ultraman d SCTV
Nintendo (Street Fighter)
SEGA (Mortal Kombat)
Super Nintendo
ada yg inget majalah Fantasi atau Bobo ga?
Reading Komik Goosebumps
Loe rasa Backstreet boys dulu TOP
how 'bout Tamagotchi
Sesame Street dgn Big Bird, Elmo, & Kermit
Kura2 Ninja
ada yg inget punya koleksi barang serba lambang 'ALIEN'
Sepatu dgn lampu nyala dbelakang serasa..COOOOLLL!!!
Back to Laser Disc, not VCD nor DVD
Hallooooo...Walkie Talkie...
Susi Susanti, Alan Budikusuma menang Olimpiade Barcelona
ssssstttttt...jangan ganggu, gw lg ntn Tersanjung...
HOT WHEELS, TAMIYA, mobil2an...& bwt cewe2 (Barbie...off course!)
inget jaman2nya Gundu / Kelereng?
pernah ntn : Lion King / Home Alone 1,2,3 / Batman / Forest Gump / ....yeah yeah...Titanic
ada yg pernah koleksi kertas Notebook dgn gambar2 keren?
FULL HOUSE...YEAHHHHHHH
MTv masih d ANTv
wah, jam 9 mlm, saatnya Dunia Dalam Berita d semua channel, dan layar emas pun dipotong...Kata Ayah : "Anak2...saatnya tidurrrr..!!"...(sialan kepotong ntn layar emasnya!)...rrrrgh!
blm ada TRANS TV, TV 7, GLOBAL, & TV2 Lokal...
ada yg inget Desy Anwar?
saatnya Pake spatu baru / Tas baru d hari pertama sekolah
org2 yg berusia >17 serasa Tinggi banget & Tua...wakakakakaka
ROLLER BLADE!
kapan gw nyetir yak?
aaaaaaah, asik duduk d dpn mobil lg... (privilage donk!)
Girlsss...u know this song : I'm a big big girl...in a big big world...It's not a big big thing If u leave meeee...
Boys...u know this song : It's no matter if u r black or white...uuu uuuuuu....(Michael Jackson)
ada yg inget Jordy ga? (Penyanyi cilik dr Prancis)
do u also remember :
American Funniest Home Video
Family Feud
Wheel of Fortune
Takeshi Castle...(love the sentence : DOAKAN SAYA YAH!!!)
McGyver
The A-Team
Airwolf
Suamiku...Istrikuuuu...(hahaha!, ada yg inget ga?)
jgn lupakan Kitt (Mobil yg bisa ngomong) dr serial Knight Rider...& loe sampe heran, & bahkan percaya klo mobil itu sesungguhnya bisa ngomong
Baywatch...ssstttt (17 thn keatas....)..haha!
Layar Emas d RCTI tiap Senin Jam 8 mlm
Film Kungfu serasa Mengasikkan
Beverly Hills 90210
21 Jump Street
*Inget juga waktu :
blm ada HP, sms, Bluetooth, HP w/ camera, 3G, MMS, etc...
blm ada siaran bola langsung
No Internet
No Facebook nor Friendster
No Camera Digital (& u have too buy films for ur disposal camera such as : asa 100, asa 200 or asa 400)
Jamannya ortu kita pake Pager...
Yupp...Tidit Tidit...Pagerku berbunyi...Tidit Tidit begitu bunyinya...Haha!
No IPod & MP3 Player
Kompie masih pake MS-DOS
Sering bwt janji lwt tlp, & kita harus hafal nomor2 tlp tmn sekelas...
Michael Jordan & Chicago Bulls...Rock On!!!
oy, ada yg punya baju Superman dgn sayap d belakang ga?...haha!...remember those days...
Panggilan untuk Keluarga orang Cina
Seboetan ini berlakoe oentoek kalangan pergoeroean sahadja, njang temtoe laen dengen seboetan kloewarga tjoro Tjino njang sangat 'komplikeited' dibandingken dengen seboetan ala orang Koelon (Barat), njang tjoeman njeboet oom/tante tanpa taoe itoe soedara dari siapa (fihak papa/mama).
Seboetan doenija 'kang-ouw':
• Soeheng (师兄), ngkooh pergoeroean = senioor
• Soetjie (师姐), ntjie pergoeroean = seniorita
• Soetee (师第), adik-lanang pergoeroean = junioor
• Soemoij (师妹), adik-wadhon pergoeroean = junioorita
• Soehoe (师父), goeroe lanang (biasa kitorang panggil dipanggil meneer atawa pak/engkoe goeroe)
• Soeboo (师母), goeroe wadhon (biasa kitorang panggil dipanggil juffouw atawa iboe goeroe)
• Soekong (师公), goeroene dari goeroe.
Panggilan dalem kloewarga Tjino:
Kloewarga oetama:
• Papa (爸爸) baba atawa (父亲) fuqin, bapak = pappie = vader = father = babe
• Mama (妈妈) mama atawa (母亲) muqin, simbok = mammie = moeder = mother = njaak
• Engkoh (哥哥) gege, kakang/kangmas = oude broeder = elder brother = abang
• Ensoo (嫂嫂) saosao, mbakjoe ippe = sister-in-law
• Tjietjie (姐姐) jiejie, mbakjoe/joenda = oude zuster = elder sister = mpok
• Tjiehoe (姐夫) jiefu, kakang ippe = brother-in-law
• Adik-lanang (第第) didi, dimas = jonger broeder = younger brother
• Bodjone adik-lanang (第妇) difu, sister-in-law
• Adik-wadhon (妹妹) meimei, dinda = jonger zuster = younger sister
• Bodjone adik-wadhon (妹夫) meifu, sister-in-law
Kloewarga dari fihaak bapak:
• Engkong dalem (公公) gonggong atawa (祖父) zufu, kakek/ejang- kakoeng/mbaah- kakoeng = opa = grandfather = ngkong
• Emak dalem (奶奶) nainai atawa (祖母) zumu, nenek/ejang- poetri/mbaah- wedhok = oma = grandmother = njai
• Tjietjie en adik-wadhon' e papa: kouw (姑母) gumu, boede = tante = aunt = entjang/tjing bodjone: enthio (姑丈) guzhang, pakde = oom = uncle = entjang/tjing
• Engkoh'e papa: Empek (伯父) bofu, pakde = oom = uncle = entjang
bodjone: wak (伯母) bomu, boede = tante = aunt = entjang
• Adik-lanang' e papa: ntjeek (叔父) shufu, paklik = oom = uncle = entjing
bodjone: ntjiem (叔母) shumu, boelik = tante = aunt = entjing
Kloewarga dari fihaak iboe:
• Engkong loewar (外公) waigong atawa (外祖父) waizufu, kakek/ejang- kakoeng/mbaah- kakoeng = opa = grandfather = ngkong
• Emak loewar (外祖母) waizumu, nenek/ejang- poetri/mbaah- wedhok = oma = grandmother = njai
• Tjietjie en adik-wadhon' e mama: iik (姨母) yimu, boede/lik = tante = aunt = entjang/tjing bodjone: enthio (姨丈) yizhang, pakde/lik = oom = uncle = entjang/tjing
• Engkoh en adik-lanang' e mama: engkoe (舅父) jiufu, pakde/lik = oom = uncle = entjang/tjing bodjone: engkim (舅母) jiumu, boede/lik = tante = aunt = entjang/tjing
Dari oerei'an da atas....maka djelas bahoea dengen ada pakei seboetan "tjoro Tjino"....mangka dapet dengen moedah diketa'oei, persoedara'an dari mana asalnja, itoelah salah satoe keheibatan dari "wong Tjino" (中国人) zhongguoren, di samping missih boanjaaak keheibatans njang laen....mangkanja ndaak salah kaloe negrinja diseboet sebagei "negri poesat" (中国) zhonguo.
LaoPek (hokkian)... ..mandarijn' e LaoBo (老伯).....artine si "mPek toeweek". Sedengken 'pek' njang berarti 'poetih'.... mandarijn' e adalah bai (白), kaloe kapoetihan mendjadi baidai (白带).....hokkian' e "pektaij"
Namoen, kliaatan djoega kaloe wong Tjino itoe agak menaroeh rendah orang wadhon.....liaaak sadja dari hoeroef ma (妈) dari mama, njang terdiri dari ma (马) njang berarti koeda/djaran/ paard/horse dan nü (女) njang berarti betina/female. ....mangkanja setjara kesloeroehan aken mendjadi: Koeda-betina = mama......???
Kerna orang tenglang (唐人) ada oetamaken she (姓) dari orang lanang, djadi kaloe mahoe njeboet bodjone selaloe haroes pakei she-ne njang lanang; tjonto: kaloe mahoe njeboet jullie boewat orang njang belon kenal adalah Tjiook-xiansheng (邱先生) artinja meneer/bapak/ toean/wan/ monsieur/ mister Tjiook. Kerna kita orang soedara sepergoeroean. ...mangka ikke sebagei njang lebih moeda ada seboet Tjiook-soeheng (邱师兄). Kaloe orang laen njang mahoe semanaak, mangkanja aken manggil Tjiook-koko (邱哥哥) atawa broeder/abang/ akang/mas/ brother Tjiook....sekalipoen moengkin orang itoe lebih toewa sebagei panggilan oentoek menghoermat. ...khaan biasanja orang ada sanget soeka kaloe ditoewekken.
Boewat sang bodjo, bisa diseboet: qizi (妻子), taitai (太太), furen (妇人); namoen njang lebih pass boewat panggilan adalah doewa (2) njang terachir; tjontonja boewat 'jou vrouw' aken diseboet dengen Tjiook-taitai (邱太太) atawa Tjiook-furen (邱妇人).....artinja mevrouw/iboe/ nonjah/madamme/ mistress Tjiook. Kaloe orang semanaak sama jij.....so pasttii semanaak djoega sama jou vrouw....mangkanja aken manggil dengen seboetan: Tjiook- saosao (邱嫂嫂) atawa enso Tjiook.
Kaloe istri = qizi (妻子); mangka soeami = zhangfu (丈夫).
Taitai (太太) dibatja: thaithai.......ada roepaken peletjehan orang tenglang terhadep kaoem wadhon selaen kata 'mama'. Bila berdiri sendiri 'tai' (太) artine adalah 'terlaloe' atawa 'kelewatan'.......djadi kaloe ditoelis doewa (2) kali (太太) mendjadi kata madjemoek njang haroesnja berarti: 'keterlaloean' atawa 'sangat kelewatan', namoen ternjata orang tenglang ada poenja anggepan bahwa njang 'keterlaloean' atawa 'sangat kelewatan' adalah njang namanja "istri".
Seboetan doenija 'kang-ouw':
• Soeheng (师兄), ngkooh pergoeroean = senioor
• Soetjie (师姐), ntjie pergoeroean = seniorita
• Soetee (师第), adik-lanang pergoeroean = junioor
• Soemoij (师妹), adik-wadhon pergoeroean = junioorita
• Soehoe (师父), goeroe lanang (biasa kitorang panggil dipanggil meneer atawa pak/engkoe goeroe)
• Soeboo (师母), goeroe wadhon (biasa kitorang panggil dipanggil juffouw atawa iboe goeroe)
• Soekong (师公), goeroene dari goeroe.
Panggilan dalem kloewarga Tjino:
Kloewarga oetama:
• Papa (爸爸) baba atawa (父亲) fuqin, bapak = pappie = vader = father = babe
• Mama (妈妈) mama atawa (母亲) muqin, simbok = mammie = moeder = mother = njaak
• Engkoh (哥哥) gege, kakang/kangmas = oude broeder = elder brother = abang
• Ensoo (嫂嫂) saosao, mbakjoe ippe = sister-in-law
• Tjietjie (姐姐) jiejie, mbakjoe/joenda = oude zuster = elder sister = mpok
• Tjiehoe (姐夫) jiefu, kakang ippe = brother-in-law
• Adik-lanang (第第) didi, dimas = jonger broeder = younger brother
• Bodjone adik-lanang (第妇) difu, sister-in-law
• Adik-wadhon (妹妹) meimei, dinda = jonger zuster = younger sister
• Bodjone adik-wadhon (妹夫) meifu, sister-in-law
Kloewarga dari fihaak bapak:
• Engkong dalem (公公) gonggong atawa (祖父) zufu, kakek/ejang- kakoeng/mbaah- kakoeng = opa = grandfather = ngkong
• Emak dalem (奶奶) nainai atawa (祖母) zumu, nenek/ejang- poetri/mbaah- wedhok = oma = grandmother = njai
• Tjietjie en adik-wadhon' e papa: kouw (姑母) gumu, boede = tante = aunt = entjang/tjing bodjone: enthio (姑丈) guzhang, pakde = oom = uncle = entjang/tjing
• Engkoh'e papa: Empek (伯父) bofu, pakde = oom = uncle = entjang
bodjone: wak (伯母) bomu, boede = tante = aunt = entjang
• Adik-lanang' e papa: ntjeek (叔父) shufu, paklik = oom = uncle = entjing
bodjone: ntjiem (叔母) shumu, boelik = tante = aunt = entjing
Kloewarga dari fihaak iboe:
• Engkong loewar (外公) waigong atawa (外祖父) waizufu, kakek/ejang- kakoeng/mbaah- kakoeng = opa = grandfather = ngkong
• Emak loewar (外祖母) waizumu, nenek/ejang- poetri/mbaah- wedhok = oma = grandmother = njai
• Tjietjie en adik-wadhon' e mama: iik (姨母) yimu, boede/lik = tante = aunt = entjang/tjing bodjone: enthio (姨丈) yizhang, pakde/lik = oom = uncle = entjang/tjing
• Engkoh en adik-lanang' e mama: engkoe (舅父) jiufu, pakde/lik = oom = uncle = entjang/tjing bodjone: engkim (舅母) jiumu, boede/lik = tante = aunt = entjang/tjing
Dari oerei'an da atas....maka djelas bahoea dengen ada pakei seboetan "tjoro Tjino"....mangka dapet dengen moedah diketa'oei, persoedara'an dari mana asalnja, itoelah salah satoe keheibatan dari "wong Tjino" (中国人) zhongguoren, di samping missih boanjaaak keheibatans njang laen....mangkanja ndaak salah kaloe negrinja diseboet sebagei "negri poesat" (中国) zhonguo.
LaoPek (hokkian)... ..mandarijn' e LaoBo (老伯).....artine si "mPek toeweek". Sedengken 'pek' njang berarti 'poetih'.... mandarijn' e adalah bai (白), kaloe kapoetihan mendjadi baidai (白带).....hokkian' e "pektaij"
Namoen, kliaatan djoega kaloe wong Tjino itoe agak menaroeh rendah orang wadhon.....liaaak sadja dari hoeroef ma (妈) dari mama, njang terdiri dari ma (马) njang berarti koeda/djaran/ paard/horse dan nü (女) njang berarti betina/female. ....mangkanja setjara kesloeroehan aken mendjadi: Koeda-betina = mama......???
Kerna orang tenglang (唐人) ada oetamaken she (姓) dari orang lanang, djadi kaloe mahoe njeboet bodjone selaloe haroes pakei she-ne njang lanang; tjonto: kaloe mahoe njeboet jullie boewat orang njang belon kenal adalah Tjiook-xiansheng (邱先生) artinja meneer/bapak/ toean/wan/ monsieur/ mister Tjiook. Kerna kita orang soedara sepergoeroean. ...mangka ikke sebagei njang lebih moeda ada seboet Tjiook-soeheng (邱师兄). Kaloe orang laen njang mahoe semanaak, mangkanja aken manggil Tjiook-koko (邱哥哥) atawa broeder/abang/ akang/mas/ brother Tjiook....sekalipoen moengkin orang itoe lebih toewa sebagei panggilan oentoek menghoermat. ...khaan biasanja orang ada sanget soeka kaloe ditoewekken.
Boewat sang bodjo, bisa diseboet: qizi (妻子), taitai (太太), furen (妇人); namoen njang lebih pass boewat panggilan adalah doewa (2) njang terachir; tjontonja boewat 'jou vrouw' aken diseboet dengen Tjiook-taitai (邱太太) atawa Tjiook-furen (邱妇人).....artinja mevrouw/iboe/ nonjah/madamme/ mistress Tjiook. Kaloe orang semanaak sama jij.....so pasttii semanaak djoega sama jou vrouw....mangkanja aken manggil dengen seboetan: Tjiook- saosao (邱嫂嫂) atawa enso Tjiook.
Kaloe istri = qizi (妻子); mangka soeami = zhangfu (丈夫).
Taitai (太太) dibatja: thaithai.......ada roepaken peletjehan orang tenglang terhadep kaoem wadhon selaen kata 'mama'. Bila berdiri sendiri 'tai' (太) artine adalah 'terlaloe' atawa 'kelewatan'.......djadi kaloe ditoelis doewa (2) kali (太太) mendjadi kata madjemoek njang haroesnja berarti: 'keterlaloean' atawa 'sangat kelewatan', namoen ternjata orang tenglang ada poenja anggepan bahwa njang 'keterlaloean' atawa 'sangat kelewatan' adalah njang namanja "istri".
Cara Membangkitkan Gairah Seks Yang Telah Pudar
Penyembuhan Hipnotis
Seorang wanita pulang mengabarkan pada suaminya kalau penyakit migrain menahunnya sudah sembuh total. Rupanya dia pergi mengunjungi ahli hipnotis.
Dia disuruh berdiri menghadap cermin, lalu menatap matanya sambil mengulangi kata-kata
"Saya tidak punya migren, saya tidak punya migren, saya tidak punya migren".
Hasilnya? Migrennya lenyap.
"Wah...hebat benar Ma!", jawab suaminya.
Si istri lalu berkata, "Pa, Papa kan tahu sendiri, akhir-akhir ini papa sudah ngga bergairah dan loyo di ranjang. Gimana kalo Papa juga terapi ahli hipnotis itu?
Si suami setuju lalu pergi. Sepulangnya di rumah dia segera merobek pakaiannya, menggendong istrinya dan membawanya ke kamar.
Diletakkannya si istri yang sedang tersenyum mesra di ranjang dan berkata, "Jangan kemana-mana, Papa segera kembali"
Dia pergi ke kamar mandi, kembali beberapa menit kemudian, melompat ke atas ranjang dan merekapun segera terlibat dalam percintaan yang sangat membara, yang belum pernah dirasakan sang istri sebelumnya.
"Wah...Papa luar biasa!" "Eit! Jangan kemana-mana, Papa segera kembali"
Kembali si suami masuk kamar mandi, kembali ke ranjang dan memulai ronde 2 yg bahkan lebih hot lagi. Lagi-lagi si suami berkata, "Papa segera kembali"
Kali ini si istri diam-diam mengikutinya dan di sana, dia melihat suaminya berdiri di depan cermin sambil
berkata .....
"Dia bukan istriku! Dia bukan istriku! Dia bukan istriku!"
another version:
Seorang wanita pulang dan mengabarkan pada suaminya kalau penyakit migrain menahunnya sudah sembuh total. Rupanya dia pergi mengunjungi ahli hipnotis. Dia diajarkan untuk bersugesti dan disuruh berdiri menghadap cermin, lalu menatap matanya sambil mengulangi kata-kata "Saya tidak punya migren,
saya tidak punya migren,
saya tidak punya migren!"
hasilnya? Migrennya lenyap.
"Wah...hebat banget ma!", kata suaminya. Si istri lalu berkata, "Pa, papa kan tahu sendiri, akhir-akhir ini papa sudah nggak bergairah dan loyo di ranjang. Gimana kalo papa juga terapi ke ahli hipnotis itu?"
Si suami setuju lalu pergi. Setelah ikut, dia pulang ke rumah segera merobek pakaiannya, menggendong istrinya dan membawanya ke kamar.
Diletakkannya si istri yang sedang tersenyum mesra di ranjang dan berkata, "Jangan kemana-mana, papa segera kembali!" dia pergi ke kamar mandi, kembali beberapa menit kemudian, melompat ke atas ranjang dan merekapun segera terlibat dalam percintaan yang sangat membara, yang belum pernah dirasakan sang istri sebelumnya: "Wah...papa luar biasa!"
"Eit! Itu blm apa-apa. Jangan kemana-mana. Papa segera kembali!" kembali si suami masuk kamar mandi, kembali ke ranjang dan memulai ronde ke dua yang bahkan lebih hot lagi.
Ronde ke 3 lagi-lagi si suami berkata, "Papa segera kembali!" kali ini, sambil memuji "kehebatan" sang suami, si istri diam-diam mengikutinya dan disana dia melihat suaminya berdiri di depan cermin sambil berkata, "Dia bukan istriku...!
Dia bukan istriku...!
Dia sekretarisku...!
Dia sekretarisku...!
Pletaaaak..... !!!! (bunyi gagang sapu menghantam kepala suami)
Seorang wanita pulang mengabarkan pada suaminya kalau penyakit migrain menahunnya sudah sembuh total. Rupanya dia pergi mengunjungi ahli hipnotis.
Dia disuruh berdiri menghadap cermin, lalu menatap matanya sambil mengulangi kata-kata
"Saya tidak punya migren, saya tidak punya migren, saya tidak punya migren".
Hasilnya? Migrennya lenyap.
"Wah...hebat benar Ma!", jawab suaminya.
Si istri lalu berkata, "Pa, Papa kan tahu sendiri, akhir-akhir ini papa sudah ngga bergairah dan loyo di ranjang. Gimana kalo Papa juga terapi ahli hipnotis itu?
Si suami setuju lalu pergi. Sepulangnya di rumah dia segera merobek pakaiannya, menggendong istrinya dan membawanya ke kamar.
Diletakkannya si istri yang sedang tersenyum mesra di ranjang dan berkata, "Jangan kemana-mana, Papa segera kembali"
Dia pergi ke kamar mandi, kembali beberapa menit kemudian, melompat ke atas ranjang dan merekapun segera terlibat dalam percintaan yang sangat membara, yang belum pernah dirasakan sang istri sebelumnya.
"Wah...Papa luar biasa!" "Eit! Jangan kemana-mana, Papa segera kembali"
Kembali si suami masuk kamar mandi, kembali ke ranjang dan memulai ronde 2 yg bahkan lebih hot lagi. Lagi-lagi si suami berkata, "Papa segera kembali"
Kali ini si istri diam-diam mengikutinya dan di sana, dia melihat suaminya berdiri di depan cermin sambil
berkata .....
"Dia bukan istriku! Dia bukan istriku! Dia bukan istriku!"
another version:
Seorang wanita pulang dan mengabarkan pada suaminya kalau penyakit migrain menahunnya sudah sembuh total. Rupanya dia pergi mengunjungi ahli hipnotis. Dia diajarkan untuk bersugesti dan disuruh berdiri menghadap cermin, lalu menatap matanya sambil mengulangi kata-kata "Saya tidak punya migren,
saya tidak punya migren,
saya tidak punya migren!"
hasilnya? Migrennya lenyap.
"Wah...hebat banget ma!", kata suaminya. Si istri lalu berkata, "Pa, papa kan tahu sendiri, akhir-akhir ini papa sudah nggak bergairah dan loyo di ranjang. Gimana kalo papa juga terapi ke ahli hipnotis itu?"
Si suami setuju lalu pergi. Setelah ikut, dia pulang ke rumah segera merobek pakaiannya, menggendong istrinya dan membawanya ke kamar.
Diletakkannya si istri yang sedang tersenyum mesra di ranjang dan berkata, "Jangan kemana-mana, papa segera kembali!" dia pergi ke kamar mandi, kembali beberapa menit kemudian, melompat ke atas ranjang dan merekapun segera terlibat dalam percintaan yang sangat membara, yang belum pernah dirasakan sang istri sebelumnya: "Wah...papa luar biasa!"
"Eit! Itu blm apa-apa. Jangan kemana-mana. Papa segera kembali!" kembali si suami masuk kamar mandi, kembali ke ranjang dan memulai ronde ke dua yang bahkan lebih hot lagi.
Ronde ke 3 lagi-lagi si suami berkata, "Papa segera kembali!" kali ini, sambil memuji "kehebatan" sang suami, si istri diam-diam mengikutinya dan disana dia melihat suaminya berdiri di depan cermin sambil berkata, "Dia bukan istriku...!
Dia bukan istriku...!
Dia sekretarisku...!
Dia sekretarisku...!
Pletaaaak..... !!!! (bunyi gagang sapu menghantam kepala suami)
Oneng Betawi Aseli
Oneng Menelpon
Oneng : "bang, telpon kite jelek nih"
Badjuri : "emang nape?"
Oneng : "kagak bise nelpon 911 bang?"
Bajuri : "lagak lu kayak bule' aje, Neng, emangnye lu udah coba pencet?"
Oneng : "kagak bisa dipencet, kagak ade angka 11 nye."
Oneng Kecelakaan
Oneng datang ke dokter dengan kedua telinganya luka bakar.
Dokter : Apa yang terjadi?
Oneng : Aye sedang nyeterika dan telepon berdering, aye salah mengambil
gagang telpon, kagak sengaje aye ngangkat seterika dan menempelkannye di
telinge aye.
Dokter : Wow..! Tetapi apa yang terjadi dengan telinga Anda yang satu lagi?
Oneng : Teman aye yang goblok itu menelepon lagi.
Oneng Di Apotek
Oneng : Mpok, aye mo beli vitamin buat anak aye.
Apoteker : Vitamin A, B atau C, bu?
Oneng : Ape aje deh, anak aye blon ngerti hurup kok...!!
Oneng Belanja
Oneng: "ade makanan bebek, mpok?"
Mpok: "gue kagak jual ntu neng"
Oneng: "oh iye, makasih mpok"
Besoknya datang lagi...
Oneng: "ade makanan bebek, mpok?"
Mpok: "kagak jual neng..."
Oneng: "oh iye, makasih mpok"
Besoknya masih datang lagi...
Oneng: "ade makanan bebek, mpok?"
Mpok: "pan gue ude bilang 2 kali, GUE KAGAK JUAL dan gak akan pernah jual,
sekali lagi lu tanya, gue paku kaki lu ke lantai...!!! "
Oneng: "galak amat, maafin aye mpok..."
Eh, besoknya gak kapok-² masih datang...
Oneng: "ade martil gak mpok?"
Mpok: "kagak jual"
Oneng: "kalo paku ade mpok?"
Mpok: "kagak"
Hening sejenak...
Oneng: "ade makanan bebek, mpok?"
Oneng Sok Tau
Badjuri pulang narik bajaj dengan wajah murung...
Oneng: "nape bang? kok mukenye kusut kayak cucian kering"
Badjuri: "abang malu neng, tadi abis diketawain ama temen-²"
Oneng: "diketawain kenape? pan bagus bisa ngibur orang"
Badjuri: "gue jawabnye salah pas ditanya paris ntu letaknye dimane?"
Oneng: "mangkenye bang, kalo naroh barang diinget baek-² letaknye"
Oneng dan Kokok Ayam
Ponakan Oneng memanggil Oneng ke belakang rumah sambil teriak...
Ponakan: "mpok oneng... mpok... sini buruan..."
Oneng: "nape sih? pake tereak-² segala..."
Ponakan: "pratiin tu mpok, matenye mpok...."
Oneng: "merem? trus nape?
Ponakan: "ntu die mpok, kenape ayam kalo berkokok matenye merem?"
Oneng: "yee... begituan ditanyain, pan ayam ude hapal teksnye..."
Oneng Kehilangan Uang
Masuk rumah muka Oneng sedih, matanya berkaca-²...
Badjuri: "eh, elu nape neng? abis ngiris bawang? hehe..."
Oneng: "si abang becande mulu', oneng lagi sedih niy"
Badjuri: "sedih kenape?"
Oneng: "duit aye ilang bang dijalan, 20 rebu"
Badjuri: "iya ela... gitu aje nangis, ude ni abang ganti"
Tangis Oneng jadi makin keras...
Badjuri: "nah lho... duitnye ude diganti, male tambah kenceng"
Oneng: "pan, kalo duit oneng kagak ilang sekarang ude jadi 40 rebu bang"
Oneng : "bang, telpon kite jelek nih"
Badjuri : "emang nape?"
Oneng : "kagak bise nelpon 911 bang?"
Bajuri : "lagak lu kayak bule' aje, Neng, emangnye lu udah coba pencet?"
Oneng : "kagak bisa dipencet, kagak ade angka 11 nye."
Oneng Kecelakaan
Oneng datang ke dokter dengan kedua telinganya luka bakar.
Dokter : Apa yang terjadi?
Oneng : Aye sedang nyeterika dan telepon berdering, aye salah mengambil
gagang telpon, kagak sengaje aye ngangkat seterika dan menempelkannye di
telinge aye.
Dokter : Wow..! Tetapi apa yang terjadi dengan telinga Anda yang satu lagi?
Oneng : Teman aye yang goblok itu menelepon lagi.
Oneng Di Apotek
Oneng : Mpok, aye mo beli vitamin buat anak aye.
Apoteker : Vitamin A, B atau C, bu?
Oneng : Ape aje deh, anak aye blon ngerti hurup kok...!!
Oneng Belanja
Oneng: "ade makanan bebek, mpok?"
Mpok: "gue kagak jual ntu neng"
Oneng: "oh iye, makasih mpok"
Besoknya datang lagi...
Oneng: "ade makanan bebek, mpok?"
Mpok: "kagak jual neng..."
Oneng: "oh iye, makasih mpok"
Besoknya masih datang lagi...
Oneng: "ade makanan bebek, mpok?"
Mpok: "pan gue ude bilang 2 kali, GUE KAGAK JUAL dan gak akan pernah jual,
sekali lagi lu tanya, gue paku kaki lu ke lantai...!!! "
Oneng: "galak amat, maafin aye mpok..."
Eh, besoknya gak kapok-² masih datang...
Oneng: "ade martil gak mpok?"
Mpok: "kagak jual"
Oneng: "kalo paku ade mpok?"
Mpok: "kagak"
Hening sejenak...
Oneng: "ade makanan bebek, mpok?"
Oneng Sok Tau
Badjuri pulang narik bajaj dengan wajah murung...
Oneng: "nape bang? kok mukenye kusut kayak cucian kering"
Badjuri: "abang malu neng, tadi abis diketawain ama temen-²"
Oneng: "diketawain kenape? pan bagus bisa ngibur orang"
Badjuri: "gue jawabnye salah pas ditanya paris ntu letaknye dimane?"
Oneng: "mangkenye bang, kalo naroh barang diinget baek-² letaknye"
Oneng dan Kokok Ayam
Ponakan Oneng memanggil Oneng ke belakang rumah sambil teriak...
Ponakan: "mpok oneng... mpok... sini buruan..."
Oneng: "nape sih? pake tereak-² segala..."
Ponakan: "pratiin tu mpok, matenye mpok...."
Oneng: "merem? trus nape?
Ponakan: "ntu die mpok, kenape ayam kalo berkokok matenye merem?"
Oneng: "yee... begituan ditanyain, pan ayam ude hapal teksnye..."
Oneng Kehilangan Uang
Masuk rumah muka Oneng sedih, matanya berkaca-²...
Badjuri: "eh, elu nape neng? abis ngiris bawang? hehe..."
Oneng: "si abang becande mulu', oneng lagi sedih niy"
Badjuri: "sedih kenape?"
Oneng: "duit aye ilang bang dijalan, 20 rebu"
Badjuri: "iya ela... gitu aje nangis, ude ni abang ganti"
Tangis Oneng jadi makin keras...
Badjuri: "nah lho... duitnye ude diganti, male tambah kenceng"
Oneng: "pan, kalo duit oneng kagak ilang sekarang ude jadi 40 rebu bang"
Hanya Terjadi di Indonesia
- Orang bisa antri Raskin sambil pegang HP,
- Pelajar bisa nunggak SPP sambil merokok,
- Orang tua lupa siapkan SPP, karena terpakai untuk beli TV dan kulkas,
- Orang bule mabuk karena kelebihan uang, orang kampung mabuk beli minuman patungan,
- Para pengungsi bisa berjoged dalam tendanya,
- Orang-orang dapat membeli gelar akademis di ruko-ruko tanpa kuliah,
- Ijazah Doktor luar negeri bisa di beli sebuah rumah petakan gang sempit di Cibubur,
- Kelihatannya orang sibuk ternyata masih sering keluar masuk Mc Donald,
- Kelihatannya orang penting, ternyata sangat tahu detail dunia persepakbolaan,
- Kelihatan seperti aktivis tapi habis waktu untuk mencetin HP,
- 62 tahun merdeka, lomba-lombanya masih makan kerupuk saja,
- Agar rakyat tidak kelaparan maka para pejabatnya dansa-dansi di acara tembang kenangan,
- Agar kampanye menang harus berani sewa bokong-bokong bahenol ngebor,
- Agar masyarakat cerdas maka sajikan lagu goyang dombret,
- Agar bisa disebut terbuka maka harus bisa buka-bukaan,
- Yang lebih mengerikan lagi adalah supaya kita tidak terlihat kere, maka harus bisa tampil keren.
- Pelajar bisa nunggak SPP sambil merokok,
- Orang tua lupa siapkan SPP, karena terpakai untuk beli TV dan kulkas,
- Orang bule mabuk karena kelebihan uang, orang kampung mabuk beli minuman patungan,
- Para pengungsi bisa berjoged dalam tendanya,
- Orang-orang dapat membeli gelar akademis di ruko-ruko tanpa kuliah,
- Ijazah Doktor luar negeri bisa di beli sebuah rumah petakan gang sempit di Cibubur,
- Kelihatannya orang sibuk ternyata masih sering keluar masuk Mc Donald,
- Kelihatannya orang penting, ternyata sangat tahu detail dunia persepakbolaan,
- Kelihatan seperti aktivis tapi habis waktu untuk mencetin HP,
- 62 tahun merdeka, lomba-lombanya masih makan kerupuk saja,
- Agar rakyat tidak kelaparan maka para pejabatnya dansa-dansi di acara tembang kenangan,
- Agar kampanye menang harus berani sewa bokong-bokong bahenol ngebor,
- Agar masyarakat cerdas maka sajikan lagu goyang dombret,
- Agar bisa disebut terbuka maka harus bisa buka-bukaan,
- Yang lebih mengerikan lagi adalah supaya kita tidak terlihat kere, maka harus bisa tampil keren.
Hubungan Antara Tidur dan Mati
1. Tidur dgn wanita
CANTIK... Bangganya 1/2 mati.
2. Tidur dgn ARTIS...
Mahalnya 1/2 mati.
3. Tidur dgn wanita JELEK...
Stressnya 1/2 mati.
4. Tidur dgn wanita
HYPER... Capeknya 1/2 mati.
5. Tidur dgn
PACAR/selingkuhan. .. Nafsunya 1/2 mati.
6. Tidur dgn ISTRI
ORG... Deg2annya 1/2 mati.
7. Tidur dgn ISTRI
SENDIRI... Pura2 mati.
8. Tidur dgn Caddy...
Bisa bener2 mati
Kursus Bahasa Korea Termurah di Jakarta
TERJEMAHAN INDONESIA - KOREA,
KOSAKATA YANG SAYA HIMPUN KETIKA BERADA DI KOREA
Apa Kabar ? = Anyong Aseo ?
Sampai Jumpa = Anyong
Kurang Ajar = Monyong
Ti dak Lurus = Men Chong
Pria suka berdandan = Ben Chong
Tiba-tiba = She Khonyong Khonyong
Gak Punya Duit = Nao Dhong
Pengangguran = Nong Krong
Belanja = Bao Rhong
Merampok = Cho Long
Saringan Botol = Choo Rhong
Kendaraan Berkuda = An Dhong
Jual Mahal = Gheng Xi Dhong
Ngelamun = Bae Ngong
Mulut = Mon Chong
Sosis = Lap Chong
Suami dari adiknya Papa = Ku Chong
Kiss me = Soon Dhong Yang
Sweet memory = Choo Pang Dhong
Mobil mogok = Dho Rong Dhong
Lapangan luas = Park King Lot
Pantat gatal-gatal = Che Bhok Dhong
Nasi dibungkus daun pisang: Lon Thong
Cowok Cakep Kaca Mata: Bae Yong Jun
Cowok Cakep Rambut Lurus: Jang Dong Gun
Cowok Cakep Rambut Keriting: Ahn Jung Hwan
Bagian belakang = Bho Khong
Masih muda = brondhong
Pantat gatal = Ga ruk dong
Telur asin = Ndok A Chin
Sendok Gede = Cen Thong
Celana Sobek = Bho Long
Kepala Botak = Kin Clong
Lagi Menyanyi = Me Lo Lhong
Orang Hitam = Goo Shong
Manusia Berbulu = Ge Ran Dhong
KOSAKATA YANG SAYA HIMPUN KETIKA BERADA DI KOREA
Apa Kabar ? = Anyong Aseo ?
Sampai Jumpa = Anyong
Kurang Ajar = Monyong
Ti dak Lurus = Men Chong
Pria suka berdandan = Ben Chong
Tiba-tiba = She Khonyong Khonyong
Gak Punya Duit = Nao Dhong
Pengangguran = Nong Krong
Belanja = Bao Rhong
Merampok = Cho Long
Saringan Botol = Choo Rhong
Kendaraan Berkuda = An Dhong
Jual Mahal = Gheng Xi Dhong
Ngelamun = Bae Ngong
Mulut = Mon Chong
Sosis = Lap Chong
Suami dari adiknya Papa = Ku Chong
Kiss me = Soon Dhong Yang
Sweet memory = Choo Pang Dhong
Mobil mogok = Dho Rong Dhong
Lapangan luas = Park King Lot
Pantat gatal-gatal = Che Bhok Dhong
Nasi dibungkus daun pisang: Lon Thong
Cowok Cakep Kaca Mata: Bae Yong Jun
Cowok Cakep Rambut Lurus: Jang Dong Gun
Cowok Cakep Rambut Keriting: Ahn Jung Hwan
Bagian belakang = Bho Khong
Masih muda = brondhong
Pantat gatal = Ga ruk dong
Telur asin = Ndok A Chin
Sendok Gede = Cen Thong
Celana Sobek = Bho Long
Kepala Botak = Kin Clong
Lagi Menyanyi = Me Lo Lhong
Orang Hitam = Goo Shong
Manusia Berbulu = Ge Ran Dhong
Bukti Korupsi Terbesar Pejabat Indonesia
Ada pejabat indo berkunjung ke china n bertamu ke rumah pejabat China.
Indo : "Rumah elo bagus banget~!!Gaji elo kan ga segede gini, gimanalo bisa bangun rumah sebagus ini?"
China:"ikut gua ke balkon.Liat tuh jembatan (nunjuk jembatan)"
Indo:"emang napa tuh jembatan?"
China :"10% dana tuh jembatan masuk ke kantong gua makanya gua bisa bangun rumah keren kayak gini."
Sebulan kemudian gantian pejabat china yg dateng ke tempat si
pejabat indo.
China kaget ," gila rumah elo bagus benget padahal gaji elo kan
lebih kecil dr gua"
Indo:"mau tau? ikut gua ke balkon. Liat tuh bendungan~!! "
China bingung, "Mana bendungannya? "
Indo:"emang kaga ada, kan dana bendungannya masuk kantong gua semua, jadi kaga gua bangun".
Indo : "Rumah elo bagus banget~!!Gaji elo kan ga segede gini, gimanalo bisa bangun rumah sebagus ini?"
China:"ikut gua ke balkon.Liat tuh jembatan (nunjuk jembatan)"
Indo:"emang napa tuh jembatan?"
China :"10% dana tuh jembatan masuk ke kantong gua makanya gua bisa bangun rumah keren kayak gini."
Sebulan kemudian gantian pejabat china yg dateng ke tempat si
pejabat indo.
China kaget ," gila rumah elo bagus benget padahal gaji elo kan
lebih kecil dr gua"
Indo:"mau tau? ikut gua ke balkon. Liat tuh bendungan~!! "
China bingung, "Mana bendungannya? "
Indo:"emang kaga ada, kan dana bendungannya masuk kantong gua semua, jadi kaga gua bangun".
Arti Politik Yang Sebenarnya
Apa sih POLITIK itu???
Seorang anak kecil bertanya pada ayahnya :"Ayah, dapatkah kau jelaskan apakah politik itu?"
Ayah berkata,"Nak, aku akan menjelaskan seperti ini: Aku adalah pencari nafkah bagi keluarga, jadi sebutlah aku KAPITALISME.
Ibumu, dia adalah pengatur keuangan, sehingga kita sebut dia PEMERINTAH.
Kami disini untuk memenuhi kebutuhanmu sehingga kau kita sebut RAKYAT.
Bibi pembantu kita anggap sebagai BURUH.
Sekarang adikmu yang masih bayi, kita sebut dia MASA DEPAN.
Sekarang pikirkanlah hal ini dan pertimbangkanlah apakah ini masuk akal bagimu".
Anak tersebut masuk ke kamarnya dan memikirkan apa yang baru saja dikatakan ayahnya.
Tengah malam, dia mendengar adiknya menangis, lalu dia bangun dan memeriksanya, dan dia menemukan adiknya basah kuyup dan kotor karena adiknya pipis dan buang air besar.
Anak itu lantas pergi ke kamar orang tuanya dan melihat ibunya sedang tidur nyenyak sambil mendengkur. Dia tak ingin membangunkan ibunya. Karenanya, ia pergi ke kamar pembantu. Pintunya terkunci, dan dia mengintip dari lubang kunci dan alamaakk... Dia melihat ayahnya sedang bercinta dengan si pembantu. Dia menyerah dan kembali ke kamarnya.
Pagi berikutnya, anak kecil itu berkata pada ayahnya, "Kurasa sekarang aku mengerti apa itu Politik.",
Ayah menjawab, "Bagus, Nak, ceritakan padaku pendapatmu tentang politik.",
Si anak segera menjawab, "Ketika Kapitalisme sedang memanfaatkan Buruh, Pemerintah tidur, Rakyat hanya bisa menonton dan bingung melihat Masa Depan berada dalam kesulitan besar. Maaf Ayah .. Aku terpaksa menggunakan "bahasa Politik" karena tidak ingin mengecewakan Pemerintah ?!?!
Seorang anak kecil bertanya pada ayahnya :"Ayah, dapatkah kau jelaskan apakah politik itu?"
Ayah berkata,"Nak, aku akan menjelaskan seperti ini: Aku adalah pencari nafkah bagi keluarga, jadi sebutlah aku KAPITALISME.
Ibumu, dia adalah pengatur keuangan, sehingga kita sebut dia PEMERINTAH.
Kami disini untuk memenuhi kebutuhanmu sehingga kau kita sebut RAKYAT.
Bibi pembantu kita anggap sebagai BURUH.
Sekarang adikmu yang masih bayi, kita sebut dia MASA DEPAN.
Sekarang pikirkanlah hal ini dan pertimbangkanlah apakah ini masuk akal bagimu".
Anak tersebut masuk ke kamarnya dan memikirkan apa yang baru saja dikatakan ayahnya.
Tengah malam, dia mendengar adiknya menangis, lalu dia bangun dan memeriksanya, dan dia menemukan adiknya basah kuyup dan kotor karena adiknya pipis dan buang air besar.
Anak itu lantas pergi ke kamar orang tuanya dan melihat ibunya sedang tidur nyenyak sambil mendengkur. Dia tak ingin membangunkan ibunya. Karenanya, ia pergi ke kamar pembantu. Pintunya terkunci, dan dia mengintip dari lubang kunci dan alamaakk... Dia melihat ayahnya sedang bercinta dengan si pembantu. Dia menyerah dan kembali ke kamarnya.
Pagi berikutnya, anak kecil itu berkata pada ayahnya, "Kurasa sekarang aku mengerti apa itu Politik.",
Ayah menjawab, "Bagus, Nak, ceritakan padaku pendapatmu tentang politik.",
Si anak segera menjawab, "Ketika Kapitalisme sedang memanfaatkan Buruh, Pemerintah tidur, Rakyat hanya bisa menonton dan bingung melihat Masa Depan berada dalam kesulitan besar. Maaf Ayah .. Aku terpaksa menggunakan "bahasa Politik" karena tidak ingin mengecewakan Pemerintah ?!?!
Different version of the English language
English Vs Local Languages
Bahasa Inggris versi Singlish (Singaporean English) is marked by 'lah' : Come on, buy-lah, cheap-lah, quick-quick- lah,.....
Jakartenglish ?
Jakarte English is marked by the 'sih', 'deh', 'dong', 'nih', etc.
That book is very good, deh. Can you speak english?.. yeah a litle sih I can! Use my money first nih.. Give me more dong.. [Jeje] She is overthere, no.... (dia di sono,no....)
Sundanesenglish
is also available such as atuh, euy,mah
Well, if that kind, it pretty so-so atuh It can't be that way euy.. I am mah, not like that...
Javenesenglish. .
The typical Javanese language: 'lho', 'lha', 'tho', 'kok', ki, etc
Lho, I already bought that book ! Kok, buying again ? I told you many times 'tho' ! Lha, I did'nt know ... how ki !? Don't be like that, no....!?
Other exclamation words of Java : wo_, wah, wé_, jian, and jé_
Wé_ lha this book is mine jé...! Wo_, only like that tho! Wah, expensive, tho ? Jian, Paijem is so beautiful tenan.
anything else ?
There are also abundant 'sound effect' in Javanese language.
Suddenly, mak bedhengus, den Tukiman appeared My head feels pain, mak cleng ! Mak tlepok, I got a mango !
My chicken is suddenly died, mak cekengkeng, Mak gedebhug, Kampreté fell down. Mak jegagik.... Oh, trondholo !
Bahasa Inggris versi Singlish (Singaporean English) is marked by 'lah' : Come on, buy-lah, cheap-lah, quick-quick- lah,.....
Jakartenglish ?
Jakarte English is marked by the 'sih', 'deh', 'dong', 'nih', etc.
That book is very good, deh. Can you speak english?.. yeah a litle sih I can! Use my money first nih.. Give me more dong.. [Jeje] She is overthere, no.... (dia di sono,no....)
Sundanesenglish
is also available such as atuh, euy,mah
Well, if that kind, it pretty so-so atuh It can't be that way euy.. I am mah, not like that...
Javenesenglish. .
The typical Javanese language: 'lho', 'lha', 'tho', 'kok', ki, etc
Lho, I already bought that book ! Kok, buying again ? I told you many times 'tho' ! Lha, I did'nt know ... how ki !? Don't be like that, no....!?
Other exclamation words of Java : wo_, wah, wé_, jian, and jé_
Wé_ lha this book is mine jé...! Wo_, only like that tho! Wah, expensive, tho ? Jian, Paijem is so beautiful tenan.
anything else ?
There are also abundant 'sound effect' in Javanese language.
Suddenly, mak bedhengus, den Tukiman appeared My head feels pain, mak cleng ! Mak tlepok, I got a mango !
My chicken is suddenly died, mak cekengkeng, Mak gedebhug, Kampreté fell down. Mak jegagik.... Oh, trondholo !
A Girl Showing Pubic Hair
HAIRLESS.
A couple living in a small Minnesota town take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to bowl," the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.
After her husband had gone off for his bowling tournament, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week, when you go off to bowl, I'll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?"
The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, "Do you shave down there?"
"No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs on yours?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl her hairy muff.
After the girl had gone to bed the husband came home and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why not?" she said, "You've seen it before."
"I know," he replied, "but the bowling team hadn't!"
A couple living in a small Minnesota town take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to bowl," the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.
After her husband had gone off for his bowling tournament, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week, when you go off to bowl, I'll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?"
The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, "Do you shave down there?"
"No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs on yours?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl her hairy muff.
After the girl had gone to bed the husband came home and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why not?" she said, "You've seen it before."
"I know," he replied, "but the bowling team hadn't!"
Anti-Semite Bar
Jewish joke
A Well Known Anti-Semite, Walks Into A Bar And Is About To Order A Drink When He Sees A Guy Close By, Wearing A Jewish Cap / Kippa, A Prayer Shawl / Tzitzis, And Traditional Locks Of Hair / Payos.
He Doesn't Have To Be An Einstein To Know That This Guy Is Jewish.
So He Shouts Over To The Bartender So Loudly, That Everyone Can Hear...
"Drinks For Everyone In Here, Bartender, But Not For That Jew Over There"
Soon After The Drinks Have Been Handed Out, He Notices That The Jewish Guy Is Smiling And Waving To Him And Says 'Thank You' In An Equally Loud Voice, SoThat Everyone Can Hear.
This Infuriates The Anti-Semite And In A Loud Voice, He Once Again Orders Drinks For Everyone Except The Jew.
But As Before, This Does Not Seem To Worry The Jewish Guy Who Continues ToSmile, And Again Says, "Thank You".
So The Guy Asks The Barman, "What The Hell Is The Matter With That Jew?
I've Ordered Two Rounds Of Drinks For Everyone In The Bar Except For Him,And All That The Silly Bugger Does Is To Smile And Thank Me In Such A Loud Voice.
Is He Nuts ?.
"Nope," Replies The Bartender. "He Owns This Place".
A Well Known Anti-Semite, Walks Into A Bar And Is About To Order A Drink When He Sees A Guy Close By, Wearing A Jewish Cap / Kippa, A Prayer Shawl / Tzitzis, And Traditional Locks Of Hair / Payos.
He Doesn't Have To Be An Einstein To Know That This Guy Is Jewish.
So He Shouts Over To The Bartender So Loudly, That Everyone Can Hear...
"Drinks For Everyone In Here, Bartender, But Not For That Jew Over There"
Soon After The Drinks Have Been Handed Out, He Notices That The Jewish Guy Is Smiling And Waving To Him And Says 'Thank You' In An Equally Loud Voice, SoThat Everyone Can Hear.
This Infuriates The Anti-Semite And In A Loud Voice, He Once Again Orders Drinks For Everyone Except The Jew.
But As Before, This Does Not Seem To Worry The Jewish Guy Who Continues ToSmile, And Again Says, "Thank You".
So The Guy Asks The Barman, "What The Hell Is The Matter With That Jew?
I've Ordered Two Rounds Of Drinks For Everyone In The Bar Except For Him,And All That The Silly Bugger Does Is To Smile And Thank Me In Such A Loud Voice.
Is He Nuts ?.
"Nope," Replies The Bartender. "He Owns This Place".
Country Meaning
H.O.L.L.A.N.D
Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies
I.T.A.L.Y.
I Trust And Love You
L.I.B.Y.A.
Love Is Be au tiful ; You Also
F.R.A.N.C.E.
Friendships Remain And Never Can End
C.H.I.N.A.
Come Here...... I Need Affection
B.U.R.M.A..
Between Us, Remember Me Always
N.E.P.A.L.
Never Ever Part As Lovers
I.N.D.I.A.
I Nearly Died In Adoration
K.E.N.Y.A
Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing
C.A.N.A.D.A.
Cute And Naughty Action that developed into attraction
K.O.R.E.A.
Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every adversity
E.G.Y.P.T.
Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing !
M.A.N.I.L.A.
May All Nights Inspire Love Always
P.E.R.U.
Phorget Everyone... Remember Us
T.H.A.I.L.A.N.D.
Totally Happy, Always In Love And Never Dull
Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies
I.T.A.L.Y.
I Trust And Love You
L.I.B.Y.A.
Love Is Be au tiful ; You Also
F.R.A.N.C.E.
Friendships Remain And Never Can End
C.H.I.N.A.
Come Here...... I Need Affection
B.U.R.M.A..
Between Us, Remember Me Always
N.E.P.A.L.
Never Ever Part As Lovers
I.N.D.I.A.
I Nearly Died In Adoration
K.E.N.Y.A
Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing
C.A.N.A.D.A.
Cute And Naughty Action that developed into attraction
K.O.R.E.A.
Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every adversity
E.G.Y.P.T.
Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing !
M.A.N.I.L.A.
May All Nights Inspire Love Always
P.E.R.U.
Phorget Everyone... Remember Us
T.H.A.I.L.A.N.D.
Totally Happy, Always In Love And Never Dull
Las vegas churches accept gambling chips
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las vegas , but there are more catholic churches than
casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at sunday services will
give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the
churches have devised a method to collect the offerings..
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby
franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of
origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
All About Wife
"Hi, what r u doing Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet
Heart, how can I live without U?"
Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English Language!
. . . . . . .. . . .. . . .
Angry wife to her husband 0n Phone:
"Where d Hell Are You ...?"
Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop, Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "O:)
Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!
Husband: I ‘m in the Pub Just Next To That Shop
. . . . . . .. . . .. . . .
A Special Package for Business Men.
An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men.
Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free.
After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave A Same Reply..."Which Trip?"
. . . . . . .. . . .. . . .
Husband was seriously ill.
Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don’t discuss ur problems, no tv serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels. Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.
On the way home.. Husband: what did the doc say ?
Wife:- .No chance for u to survive
. . . . . . .. . . .. . . .
An intelligent wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much
That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Women"
. . . . . . .. . . .. . . .
New SIM to surprise her husband
Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room.
She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number:
"Hello Darling"
The Husband Responds In A Low Tone:
"Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen..
. . . . . . .. . . .. . . .
Wife treats husband
A Wife Treats Hubby By Taking Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday ..
At The Club: Doorman Says: Hi Jim How R You?
Wife Asks: How Does He Know You?
Jim Says: Oh Dear, I Play Football with Him
Inside Barman Says: The Usual Jim ?
Jim Says To Wife: Before You Say Anything, He's On the Darts Team in My Local
Next A Lap Dancer Says: Hi Jim
Do You Crave Special Again?
The Wife Storms Out Dragging Jim With Her & Jumps Into A Taxi..
Driver Says "Hey Jimmy Boy, You Picked Up An Ugly One This Time.."
Jim's Funeral Is On Sunday
. . . . . . .. . . .. . . .
Cool message by a wife
Dear Mother-in-law,
"Don't Teach me how 2 handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"
. . . . . . .. . . .. . . .
Sweet demand by kid
A kid was beaten by his mom.
Dad came n asked - what happen son?
Kid said-I can’t adjust with your wife anymore,
I want my own.
. . . . . . .. . . .. . . .
Lion bounced on wife
In an African Safari, A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
SANTA: Yes, Yes. I'm changing d battery of my camera..
. . . . . . .. . . .. . . .
Throwing knives on wife's picture
Husband was throwing knives on wife’s picture.
All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what r u doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING U"
. . . . . . .. . . .. . . .
I will think about it
When a married man says "I'll think about it",
What he really means that,
He doesn't know his wife's opinion yet..
. . . . . .. . . .. . . .
Habit of talking in sleep
A Lady to Doctor: My husband has habit of talking in sleep! what should I give him to cure?
Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak when he is awake
. . . . . .. . . .. . . .
Part & Art of living
Having "WIFE" Is A Part Of Living...
But Having "GIRLFRIEND" Along With The "WIFE" Is Art Of Living.
. . . . . .. . . .. . . .
Head & Neck of the family
It is said that Husband is the head of the family,
but remember that wife is the Neck of the family & the Neck can turn the Head exactly the way she wants.
. . . . . .. . . .. . . .
Dinner
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
. . . . . .. . . .. . . .
What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying...
& the other ensures U Continue to do so.
. . . . . .. . . .. . . .
To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
. . . . . .. . . .. . . .
I look at your picture and the problem disappears
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Honey what r u looking 4?
Wife: honey, what r u looking 4?
Husband: nothing
Wife: why have u been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour?
Husband: i was just looking 4 the expiry date
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means...
Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
WIFE says: No darling, it means:
With Idiot For Ever
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Wife wish 2 be a newspaper
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in ur hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that u were a newspaper so I could have a new one every day.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Can I make a call to my wife?
A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil: Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Husband, wife & spare tyre
HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle.
If 1 punctures, the vehicle can't move further
Moral: Always Keep a SPARE TYRE....
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Similarity between chewing gum & begum (=wife [in Urdu]) ??
Both are sweet at the beginning and become tasteless, shapeless and chipku (=tasteless, shapeless, nagging) in the end..
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
WIFE IS DANGEROUS
LOVE IS LIFE
LIFE IS WIFE
WIFE IS KNIFE and
KNIFE IS DANGEROUS
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Too late for garbage
Wife Running After A Garbage Truck:
Am I Too Late For The Garbage?
Hubby Following Her Yelled: Not Yet.
Jumpppp Innnn Fastttt.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
What if you don't see me for 2 days?
A man came home late at night after a party.
His wife yelled: "how would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"
The man couldn’t believe his luck: 'that would be great'!
Monday passed and he didn’t see her......
Tuesday and Wednesday passed too.....
On Thursday his swelling became better
And now he could see her from the corner of one eye.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Who is guilty (Husband / Wife)?
Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back!" Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: "Damn, I am the husband!"
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Why women starts with "W"
because all questions start with "W".. !
Who ?
Why ?
What ?
When ?
Which ?
Whom ?
Where ?
&
Finally Wife..!!!
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN
Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt,
Tsunamis to devastate,
Hurricanes to sway around
& no one teaches How to choose a Wife,
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Difference between Friend & Wife
U can Tell ur Friend "U r my Best Friend"
But Do u have courage tell to ur Wife "U r my Best Wife?"
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Dream of receiving jewellery & cloths
Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream that u were sending me jewellery and clothes!
Husband: yeah, I saw your dad paying the bill!!!
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Recently fired stock trader
A recently fired stock trader said ...
"This is worse than divorce... I have lost everything and I still have my wife..."
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Message of the year
Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!!
Why? Very simple...
A woman does not have a wife..!!!
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Husband to a newly wed wife
Husband to a newly wed wife: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Wife: Thanks, but promise me you will stay there for the rest of your life.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Why did u shoot ur wife?
Judge: why did u shoot ur wife instead of shooting her lover?
Mr. S: Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Your husband needs rest
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.!!
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet
Heart, how can I live without U?"
Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English Language!
. . . . . . .. . . .. . . .
Angry wife to her husband 0n Phone:
"Where d Hell Are You ...?"
Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop, Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "O:)
Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!
Husband: I ‘m in the Pub Just Next To That Shop
. . . . . . .. . . .. . . .
A Special Package for Business Men.
An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men.
Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free.
After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave A Same Reply..."Which Trip?"
. . . . . . .. . . .. . . .
Husband was seriously ill.
Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don’t discuss ur problems, no tv serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels. Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.
On the way home.. Husband: what did the doc say ?
Wife:- .No chance for u to survive
. . . . . . .. . . .. . . .
An intelligent wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much
That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Women"
. . . . . . .. . . .. . . .
New SIM to surprise her husband
Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room.
She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number:
"Hello Darling"
The Husband Responds In A Low Tone:
"Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen..
. . . . . . .. . . .. . . .
Wife treats husband
A Wife Treats Hubby By Taking Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday ..
At The Club: Doorman Says: Hi Jim How R You?
Wife Asks: How Does He Know You?
Jim Says: Oh Dear, I Play Football with Him
Inside Barman Says: The Usual Jim ?
Jim Says To Wife: Before You Say Anything, He's On the Darts Team in My Local
Next A Lap Dancer Says: Hi Jim
Do You Crave Special Again?
The Wife Storms Out Dragging Jim With Her & Jumps Into A Taxi..
Driver Says "Hey Jimmy Boy, You Picked Up An Ugly One This Time.."
Jim's Funeral Is On Sunday
. . . . . . .. . . .. . . .
Cool message by a wife
Dear Mother-in-law,
"Don't Teach me how 2 handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"
. . . . . . .. . . .. . . .
Sweet demand by kid
A kid was beaten by his mom.
Dad came n asked - what happen son?
Kid said-I can’t adjust with your wife anymore,
I want my own.
. . . . . . .. . . .. . . .
Lion bounced on wife
In an African Safari, A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
SANTA: Yes, Yes. I'm changing d battery of my camera..
. . . . . . .. . . .. . . .
Throwing knives on wife's picture
Husband was throwing knives on wife’s picture.
All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what r u doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING U"
. . . . . . .. . . .. . . .
I will think about it
When a married man says "I'll think about it",
What he really means that,
He doesn't know his wife's opinion yet..
. . . . . .. . . .. . . .
Habit of talking in sleep
A Lady to Doctor: My husband has habit of talking in sleep! what should I give him to cure?
Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak when he is awake
. . . . . .. . . .. . . .
Part & Art of living
Having "WIFE" Is A Part Of Living...
But Having "GIRLFRIEND" Along With The "WIFE" Is Art Of Living.
. . . . . .. . . .. . . .
Head & Neck of the family
It is said that Husband is the head of the family,
but remember that wife is the Neck of the family & the Neck can turn the Head exactly the way she wants.
. . . . . .. . . .. . . .
Dinner
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
. . . . . .. . . .. . . .
What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying...
& the other ensures U Continue to do so.
. . . . . .. . . .. . . .
To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
. . . . . .. . . .. . . .
I look at your picture and the problem disappears
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Honey what r u looking 4?
Wife: honey, what r u looking 4?
Husband: nothing
Wife: why have u been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour?
Husband: i was just looking 4 the expiry date
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means...
Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
WIFE says: No darling, it means:
With Idiot For Ever
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Wife wish 2 be a newspaper
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in ur hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that u were a newspaper so I could have a new one every day.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Can I make a call to my wife?
A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil: Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Husband, wife & spare tyre
HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle.
If 1 punctures, the vehicle can't move further
Moral: Always Keep a SPARE TYRE....
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Similarity between chewing gum & begum (=wife [in Urdu]) ??
Both are sweet at the beginning and become tasteless, shapeless and chipku (=tasteless, shapeless, nagging) in the end..
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
WIFE IS DANGEROUS
LOVE IS LIFE
LIFE IS WIFE
WIFE IS KNIFE and
KNIFE IS DANGEROUS
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Too late for garbage
Wife Running After A Garbage Truck:
Am I Too Late For The Garbage?
Hubby Following Her Yelled: Not Yet.
Jumpppp Innnn Fastttt.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
What if you don't see me for 2 days?
A man came home late at night after a party.
His wife yelled: "how would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"
The man couldn’t believe his luck: 'that would be great'!
Monday passed and he didn’t see her......
Tuesday and Wednesday passed too.....
On Thursday his swelling became better
And now he could see her from the corner of one eye.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Who is guilty (Husband / Wife)?
Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back!" Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: "Damn, I am the husband!"
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Why women starts with "W"
because all questions start with "W".. !
Who ?
Why ?
What ?
When ?
Which ?
Whom ?
Where ?
&
Finally Wife..!!!
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN
Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt,
Tsunamis to devastate,
Hurricanes to sway around
& no one teaches How to choose a Wife,
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Difference between Friend & Wife
U can Tell ur Friend "U r my Best Friend"
But Do u have courage tell to ur Wife "U r my Best Wife?"
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Dream of receiving jewellery & cloths
Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream that u were sending me jewellery and clothes!
Husband: yeah, I saw your dad paying the bill!!!
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Recently fired stock trader
A recently fired stock trader said ...
"This is worse than divorce... I have lost everything and I still have my wife..."
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Message of the year
Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!!
Why? Very simple...
A woman does not have a wife..!!!
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Husband to a newly wed wife
Husband to a newly wed wife: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Wife: Thanks, but promise me you will stay there for the rest of your life.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Why did u shoot ur wife?
Judge: why did u shoot ur wife instead of shooting her lover?
Mr. S: Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Your husband needs rest
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.!!
The Good Samaritan
Lawn Mower
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"
How To Make Your Penis Bigger
A man was in a terrible accident, And his 'manhood' Was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine Could give him back his manhood, But that his insurance wouldn't cover the Surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be
$3,500 for 'small,
$6,500 for 'medium,
And $14,000 for 'large.'
The man was sure he would Want a medium or large, But the doctor urged him To talk it over with his wife Before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone And explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, And found the man looking dejected.
'Well, what have the two of you decided?'
Asked the doctor.
'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'
His doctor assured him that modern medicine Could give him back his manhood, But that his insurance wouldn't cover the Surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be
$3,500 for 'small,
$6,500 for 'medium,
And $14,000 for 'large.'
The man was sure he would Want a medium or large, But the doctor urged him To talk it over with his wife Before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone And explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, And found the man looking dejected.
'Well, what have the two of you decided?'
Asked the doctor.
'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'
How To Fly After Sex
One night, an 87 year-old woman Came home from Bingo and found Her 92 year-old husband In bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him Off the balcony of their 20th floor, Assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court On the charge of murder, The judge asked her if she had Anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, If he could have sex... He could also fly.'
She became violent and ended up pushing him Off the balcony of their 20th floor, Assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court On the charge of murder, The judge asked her if she had Anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, If he could have sex... He could also fly.'
How To Make Your Wife Happy
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly
And said, 'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right!
When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.
Quiet Sex
Tired of a listless sex life,
The man came right out and asked his wife
During a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me When you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied,
'You're never home!'
The man came right out and asked his wife
During a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me When you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied,
'You're never home!'
Loud Sex
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed And my husband climaxes, He lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained,
'it wakes me up!'
'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed And my husband climaxes, He lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained,
'it wakes me up!'
Sex Pension
Two men were talking.
'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, But not enough to live on!'
'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, But not enough to live on!'
It all began with an iPhone - Be Careful Guys
March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?
I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.
My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.
My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.
It was around then that the fight started...
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated
Into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.
I should be out of the hospital next week!!
I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.
My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.
My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.
It was around then that the fight started...
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated
Into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.
I should be out of the hospital next week!!
How To Get Affair With Another Girl Without Penance
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box .'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box .'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
How to Get Anything You Want
Praying Boy
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.
The youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs,
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD PLAYER..."
The older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers?
God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Granpa is!"
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.
The youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs,
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD PLAYER..."
The older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers?
God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Granpa is!"
Patriotic Retirement
Patriotic Retirement - This Would Work:
This was an article from the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper on Sunday. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"
I thought this was the BEST idea.
I think this guy nailed it!
Dear Mr.President,
Patriotic retirement:
There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force;
pay them $1 million a piece severance with stipulations:
1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage- Housing Crisis fixed.
All this and it's still cheaper than the "bailout".
This was an article from the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper on Sunday. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"
I thought this was the BEST idea.
I think this guy nailed it!
Dear Mr.President,
Patriotic retirement:
There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force;
pay them $1 million a piece severance with stipulations:
1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage- Housing Crisis fixed.
All this and it's still cheaper than the "bailout".
Lessons In Logic
If your father is a poor man
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man
it's your stupidity
I was born intelligent -
education ruined me
Practice makes perfect
But nobody's perfect
so why practice?
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak
How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
Money is not everything
There's MasterCard & Visa
One should love animals
They are so tasty
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two
Every man should marry
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life
The wise never marry
and when they marry they become otherwise
Success is a relative term
It brings so many relatives
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today
'Your future depends on your dreams'
So go to sleep
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
'Hard work never killed anybody'
But why take the risk
'Work fascinates me'
I can look at it for hours
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So why learn
A bus station is where a bus stops
A train station is where a train stops
On my desk, I have a work station
what more can I say
Virginity is like a balloon.
One prick and it's gone forever.
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man
it's your stupidity
I was born intelligent -
education ruined me
Practice makes perfect
But nobody's perfect
so why practice?
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak
How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
Money is not everything
There's MasterCard & Visa
One should love animals
They are so tasty
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two
Every man should marry
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life
The wise never marry
and when they marry they become otherwise
Success is a relative term
It brings so many relatives
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today
'Your future depends on your dreams'
So go to sleep
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
'Hard work never killed anybody'
But why take the risk
'Work fascinates me'
I can look at it for hours
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So why learn
A bus station is where a bus stops
A train station is where a train stops
On my desk, I have a work station
what more can I say
Virginity is like a balloon.
One prick and it's gone forever.
Discovered And Ivented
Discovered, Invented
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting. Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation. Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food. Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love. Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered trade, invented money. Woman discovered money, man never recovered!
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting. Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation. Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food. Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love. Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered trade, invented money. Woman discovered money, man never recovered!
When You Tell Her A Story
What is the difference between girls/women aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?
At 8 You take her to bed and tell her a story
At 18 You tell her a story and take her to bed
At 28 You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed
At 38 She tells you a story and takes you to bed
At 48 She tells you a story to avoid going to bed
At 58 You stay in bed to avoid her story
At 68 If you take her to bed, that'll be a story
At 78 What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?
At 8 You take her to bed and tell her a story
At 18 You tell her a story and take her to bed
At 28 You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed
At 38 She tells you a story and takes you to bed
At 48 She tells you a story to avoid going to bed
At 58 You stay in bed to avoid her story
At 68 If you take her to bed, that'll be a story
At 78 What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?
Why Chinese shouldn't have Western Names!
This is a good one. Read on....
Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!
Operator : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller : I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.
Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller :Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one) has involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.
Operator : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator : I'm Saw Lee (Sorry)..
Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!
Operator : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller : I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.
Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller :Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one) has involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.
Operator : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator : I'm Saw Lee (Sorry)..
Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Three Men on a Hike
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof! . God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice .
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.'
Poof! ... He was turned in to a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
Poof! . God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice .
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.'
Poof! ... He was turned in to a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
How To Get Girl When You're Old
A guy is 84 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'
Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts?
Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
When you reach that age, you know what you want, what you can do... it is Wisdom.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'
Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts?
Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
When you reach that age, you know what you want, what you can do... it is Wisdom.
How To Know Someone Get HIV or NOT
Medicare... Aussie Style !
A doctor's fair diagnosys!
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommends that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him
A doctor's fair diagnosys!
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommends that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him
The Secret To Get Rich
Fortunate happening
A youngster asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing that apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system of polishing and selling, each time re- investing my profits into buying more apples."
"Wow!" said the young man, "and that's how you accumulated your fortune?"
"Nah", said the old man, then the fortunate thing happened
"my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
A youngster asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing that apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system of polishing and selling, each time re- investing my profits into buying more apples."
"Wow!" said the young man, "and that's how you accumulated your fortune?"
"Nah", said the old man, then the fortunate thing happened
"my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
How To Increase Your Salary
A maid asked for a pay increase
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked:
'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Mam, there are THREE REASONS why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.
Wife: (really furious now) 'Ah! Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Mam... Your driver says'.
Wife: 'Ok Ok, So how much do you want?'
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked:
'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Mam, there are THREE REASONS why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.
Wife: (really furious now) 'Ah! Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Mam... Your driver says'.
Wife: 'Ok Ok, So how much do you want?'
Say No To Bra
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, And the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over And that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, Then I can display my hanging baskets.
Happy Gardening.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, And the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over And that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, Then I can display my hanging baskets.
Happy Gardening.
Sex With Fireman
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,
'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
'From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night.
' The next night he came home from work and yelled 'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?
'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'
'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
'From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night.
' The next night he came home from work and yelled 'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?
'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'
Sex Education For Beginners
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
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