Here's a little CLEAN humor with a good moral ....
The Pastor's Ass
A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won..
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race..
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey..
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent..
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted!
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the papers read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is ....
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer
Beethoven Backwards
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards. Just then, the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
“Oh, it’s nothing to worry about,” says the caretaker. “He’s just decomposing!”
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards. Just then, the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
“Oh, it’s nothing to worry about,” says the caretaker. “He’s just decomposing!”
Someone Sorry
Lee Sum Wan : Hello can I speak to Annie Wan?
Mr Sori : Yes, you could speak to me.
Lee Sum Wan : No! I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Sori : You are now talking to someone ! Who is this?
Lee Sum Wan : I'm Sum Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent!
Mr Sori : I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
Mr Sori : Look... if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident, that isn’t an urgent matter ! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!!!
Lee Sum Wan : You are rude. Who are you?
Mr Sori : I'm Sori.
Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Mr Sori : I'm Sori !!
Lee Sum Wan : I don't like your tone of voice Mr and I don't care, give me your name!
Mr Sori : Look lady, I told you already I'm Sori! I'm Sori!! I'm SORI!!! You didn't even give me your name!
Lee Sum Wan : I told u before I'm Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy!
Mr Sori : Yes, you could speak to me.
Lee Sum Wan : No! I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Sori : You are now talking to someone ! Who is this?
Lee Sum Wan : I'm Sum Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent!
Mr Sori : I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
Mr Sori : Look... if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident, that isn’t an urgent matter ! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!!!
Lee Sum Wan : You are rude. Who are you?
Mr Sori : I'm Sori.
Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Mr Sori : I'm Sori !!
Lee Sum Wan : I don't like your tone of voice Mr and I don't care, give me your name!
Mr Sori : Look lady, I told you already I'm Sori! I'm Sori!! I'm SORI!!! You didn't even give me your name!
Lee Sum Wan : I told u before I'm Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy!
What is Globalization?
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an American (who lives in Italy for ten months a year), using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization
Answer: Princess Diana's death
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an American (who lives in Italy for ten months a year), using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization
Surat PENJUAL BUAH yg patah hati:
"Wajahmu memang MANGGIS,
watakmu juga MELONkolis,
tapi hatiku NANAS karena cemburu,
SIRSAK napasku,
hatiku ANGGUR lebur,
ini DELIMA dalam hidupku,
memang ini juga SALAKku,
jarang APEL malam minggu,
ya Tuhan,
Mohon BELIMBING-Mu,
kalo memang perPISANGan ini yg terbaik untukku,
SEMANGKA kau bahagia dgn pria lain...
SAWOnara...."
Dari: DURIANto
Surat Balasan dari pacarnya yang ternyata TUKANG SAYUR:
"Membalas KENTANG suratmu itu,
BROKOLI sudah kubilang,
jangan tiap dateng rambutmu selalu KUCAI,
JAGUNGmu gak pernah di cukur.
Disuruh dateng malam minggu, ehh nongolnya hari LABU.
Ditambah kondisi keuanganmu makin hari makin PARE,
Kalo mo nelpon aku aja mesti ke WORTEL….
Terus TERONG aja,
Cintaku padamu sudah lama TOMAT...
Jangan KANGKUNG aku lagi,
CABE dehhhhhh!!!"
Dari: KAILAN
watakmu juga MELONkolis,
tapi hatiku NANAS karena cemburu,
SIRSAK napasku,
hatiku ANGGUR lebur,
ini DELIMA dalam hidupku,
memang ini juga SALAKku,
jarang APEL malam minggu,
ya Tuhan,
Mohon BELIMBING-Mu,
kalo memang perPISANGan ini yg terbaik untukku,
SEMANGKA kau bahagia dgn pria lain...
SAWOnara...."
Dari: DURIANto
Surat Balasan dari pacarnya yang ternyata TUKANG SAYUR:
"Membalas KENTANG suratmu itu,
BROKOLI sudah kubilang,
jangan tiap dateng rambutmu selalu KUCAI,
JAGUNGmu gak pernah di cukur.
Disuruh dateng malam minggu, ehh nongolnya hari LABU.
Ditambah kondisi keuanganmu makin hari makin PARE,
Kalo mo nelpon aku aja mesti ke WORTEL….
Terus TERONG aja,
Cintaku padamu sudah lama TOMAT...
Jangan KANGKUNG aku lagi,
CABE dehhhhhh!!!"
Dari: KAILAN
Perbedaan Mobil Baru & Penganti Baru
Apa beda mobil baru dan penganten baru ?
Jawaban 1:
Kalo mobil baru, dibuka dulu baru dinaikin!. Penganten baru? Wah sama ya..
Salah !
Jawaban 2:
Kalo mobil baru, ada lubang minggir. Kalo penganten baru ? Ya maju terussss. haha..
Jawaban 1:
Kalo mobil baru, dibuka dulu baru dinaikin!. Penganten baru? Wah sama ya..
Salah !
Jawaban 2:
Kalo mobil baru, ada lubang minggir. Kalo penganten baru ? Ya maju terussss. haha..
The Difference between Confident and confidential ?
A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, THAT is confidential.
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, THAT is confidential.
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,...
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant...
Panic is when both are pregnant.
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant...
Panic is when both are pregnant.
The Importance Of Period
Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away
Losing All His Friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
His Wife says :
"If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends"..
He shoots his friend and kills him.
His Wife says :
"If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends"..
How to Bite Breast
An Old Jewish man is walking down the street one evening when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again.
"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again.
"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"
Punjabi Lawyer
A Punjabi lawyer working in UK wrote to his wife in India
Dear Sunita Darling,
I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company's performance,
so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, please adjust.
Your loving husband,
Tuna Singh
His wife replied...
TINKU KE PAPPA,
Thanks for the 100 kisses. Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man, Kooldip Singh, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord Kapal Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.
4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand.
5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.
Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance.
Shall I plan the same for the next month?
Your Sweet Heart,
Sunita
Dear Sunita Darling,
I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company's performance,
so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, please adjust.
Your loving husband,
Tuna Singh
His wife replied...
TINKU KE PAPPA,
Thanks for the 100 kisses. Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man, Kooldip Singh, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord Kapal Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.
4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand.
5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.
Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance.
Shall I plan the same for the next month?
Your Sweet Heart,
Sunita
Memory Joke
A 90-year-old couple were having problems with their memory, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
They explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were in good health, however, the best thing to do was to start writing things down and make notes to help them to remember things.
Later that night while watching television, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure honey."
She then asked him, "Don't you think that you should write it down on a note so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some chocolate syrup on top.
You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top.
I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
Now irritated, he said, "I don't need to write that down!
I can remember that." He then goes down stairs to the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
They explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were in good health, however, the best thing to do was to start writing things down and make notes to help them to remember things.
Later that night while watching television, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure honey."
She then asked him, "Don't you think that you should write it down on a note so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some chocolate syrup on top.
You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top.
I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
Now irritated, he said, "I don't need to write that down!
I can remember that." He then goes down stairs to the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
How To Buy Poison In Pharmacy
A nice, calm, young and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
Bill Gates
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago.
While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates,
I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar,
"and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Ray," he said.
I replied, "Fuck off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."
While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates,
I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar,
"and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Ray," he said.
I replied, "Fuck off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."
Pee Bet
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I can pee farther than anyone else".
"Yeah" the bartender says.
"Sure, and I can pee right on the spot from 75 feet away" the guy says.
"Yeah right" the bartender says.
"It's true, in fact, I'll bet you 100 dollars that I can pee right into a beer bottle 75 feet away and not spill a drop" the guy says.
"Go ahead" the bartender says smiling at the chance to make some easy money.
So a beer bottle is placed on the floor 75 feet away. Then the guy whips out his dick and starts peeing. He pees on the wall, he pees on the floor, he pees on the ceiling and bar, he even pees on the bartender. He pees everywhere EXCEPT in the bottle.
The bartender starts smiling and tells the guy to pay up. The guy goes into another room, comes out a few minutes later with a big grin on his face and pays the bartender.
The bartender then says to the guy, "Why are you so happy, you just lost a hundred bucks?"
Then the guy says "Well, I just bet the guys in the other room a thousand bucks that I could pee all over your bar and not only would you not mind, but that you'd be smiling!"
"Yeah" the bartender says.
"Sure, and I can pee right on the spot from 75 feet away" the guy says.
"Yeah right" the bartender says.
"It's true, in fact, I'll bet you 100 dollars that I can pee right into a beer bottle 75 feet away and not spill a drop" the guy says.
"Go ahead" the bartender says smiling at the chance to make some easy money.
So a beer bottle is placed on the floor 75 feet away. Then the guy whips out his dick and starts peeing. He pees on the wall, he pees on the floor, he pees on the ceiling and bar, he even pees on the bartender. He pees everywhere EXCEPT in the bottle.
The bartender starts smiling and tells the guy to pay up. The guy goes into another room, comes out a few minutes later with a big grin on his face and pays the bartender.
The bartender then says to the guy, "Why are you so happy, you just lost a hundred bucks?"
Then the guy says "Well, I just bet the guys in the other room a thousand bucks that I could pee all over your bar and not only would you not mind, but that you'd be smiling!"
Help This Blonde To Call Her Mom
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost £300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
" Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .
Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered ..
"Well ... Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... ...tentatively said .......
"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
When the man told her it would cost £300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
" Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .
Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered ..
"Well ... Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... ...tentatively said .......
"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
Ah, the innocence of children
Alas, where has all our innocence gone?
While I sat in the reception area
of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man
in a wheelchair into the room. As she went
to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make
small talk with him, a little boy slipped off
his mother's lap and walked over to
the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the
man's, he said, I know how you feel. My
mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'
*****
As I was nursing
my baby, my cousin's six-year-old
daughter, Krissy, came into the room.
Never having seen anyone breast feed
before, she was intrigued and full of all
kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked,
'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows
how to use them..'
*****
Out bicycling
one day with my eight-year-old
granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little
wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want
to be with your friends and you won't go
walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do
now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be
too old to do all those things anyway.'
******
Working as a pediatric
nurse, I had the difficult assignment
of giving immunization shots to children..
One day, I entered the examining room to give
four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she
screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's
not polite behavior.' With that, the girl
yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank
you!
******
On the way back from a Cub
Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son,
'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
how do they get there in the first place?' After my
son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally
spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make
up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't
know the answer.'
*****
Just before I
was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old
son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm
going to be away for a long time,' I told
him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he
asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going
on over there?'
*****
Paul Newman
founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for
children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood
diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife,
Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with
the kids. A counselor at a nearby
table, suspecting the young patients
wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star,
explained, That's the man who made this camp
possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on
his salad dressing bottle?' Blank
stares.'Well, you've probably seen his face on
his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl
perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
*****
God's Problem Now:
His wife's graveside
service was just barely finished, when there was
a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous
bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
rumbling in the distance. The little, old man
looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's there.
*****
May happiness smile on you.
While I sat in the reception area
of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man
in a wheelchair into the room. As she went
to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make
small talk with him, a little boy slipped off
his mother's lap and walked over to
the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the
man's, he said, I know how you feel. My
mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'
*****
As I was nursing
my baby, my cousin's six-year-old
daughter, Krissy, came into the room.
Never having seen anyone breast feed
before, she was intrigued and full of all
kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked,
'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows
how to use them..'
*****
Out bicycling
one day with my eight-year-old
granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little
wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want
to be with your friends and you won't go
walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do
now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be
too old to do all those things anyway.'
******
Working as a pediatric
nurse, I had the difficult assignment
of giving immunization shots to children..
One day, I entered the examining room to give
four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she
screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's
not polite behavior.' With that, the girl
yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank
you!
******
On the way back from a Cub
Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son,
'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
how do they get there in the first place?' After my
son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally
spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make
up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't
know the answer.'
*****
Just before I
was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old
son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm
going to be away for a long time,' I told
him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he
asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going
on over there?'
*****
Paul Newman
founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for
children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood
diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife,
Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with
the kids. A counselor at a nearby
table, suspecting the young patients
wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star,
explained, That's the man who made this camp
possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on
his salad dressing bottle?' Blank
stares.'Well, you've probably seen his face on
his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl
perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
*****
God's Problem Now:
His wife's graveside
service was just barely finished, when there was
a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous
bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
rumbling in the distance. The little, old man
looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's there.
*****
May happiness smile on you.
Amisha Woman and her Daughter
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.
The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, 'My nose is cold.'
The girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'
He did and warmed his nose.
The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'
The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'
Concerned the mother said, 'Why yes..... why do you ask?'
The daughter replies, 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they !!!'
The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, 'My nose is cold.'
The girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'
He did and warmed his nose.
The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'
The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'
Concerned the mother said, 'Why yes..... why do you ask?'
The daughter replies, 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they !!!'
Macam-macam Orang
Orang bodoh mengumbar idenya agar dikira dia pandai ,
Orang pandai mengumpulkan orang orang bodoh untuk mengembangkan ide.
Orang berduit mengumpulkan orang orang pandai untuk investasi,
Orang LAIN mengumpulkan ketiganya untuk membuat perusahaan bagi dirinya.
Orang pandai mengumpulkan orang orang bodoh untuk mengembangkan ide.
Orang berduit mengumpulkan orang orang pandai untuk investasi,
Orang LAIN mengumpulkan ketiganya untuk membuat perusahaan bagi dirinya.
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .' Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple. .
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time
you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs..
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!..
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!...
Send this to
all that will appreciate it!
They forgot the German bra.
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .' Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple. .
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time
you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs..
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!..
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!...
Send this to
all that will appreciate it!
They forgot the German bra.
Bahaya Makan Nasi
Hasil penelitian ilmiah yang baru saja dilakukan membuktikan bahwa makan nasi ternyata tidak baik bagi kita.
Kesimpulannya:
1. NASI MENYEBABKAN KECANDUAN. Responden kami yang tidak makan nasi selama sehari saja akan kelaparan dan merasa sangat ingin makan nasi lagi.
2. SETENGAH dari seluruh siswa Indonesia yang makan nasi nilainya ada di bawah rata-rata kelas.
3. Manusia pada zaman batu yang tidak pernah makan nasi terbukti TIDAK PERNAH mengidap tumor, Alzheimer, osteoporosis, ataupun Parkinson.
4. Dokter melarang bayi yang baru lahir untuk makan nasi. Hal ini menjadi bukti bahwa nasi punya dampak BERBAHAYA yang sudah dibuktikan oleh ilmu kedokteran.
5. Nasi yang kering biasa dimakan oleh ayam. Nah, sekarang Anda perlu curiga dari mana FLU BURUNG berasal.
6. Jumlah pemakan nasi di Indonesia jauh lebih banyak dibandingkan dengan jumlah pemakan nasi di negara maju. Ini mungkin salah satu penyebab KETERBELAKANGAN pada negara ini.
7. Di warung-warung, umumnya para buruh makan nasi dalam jumlah lebih banyak daripada kaum eksekutif. Hal ini membuktikan bahwa makan nasi MENURUNKAN kemampuan ekonomi seseorang.
9. Makan nasi dapat menyebabkan rasa haus alias MENYERAP air. Padahal tubuh kita sebagian besar terdiri dari air.
10. Dalam kondisi tertentu, makan nasi MENINGKATKAN resiko kematian. Misalnya makan nasi sambil jalan di tengah jalan tol.
11. Pengidap DIABETES lebih dianjurkan makan kentang daripada nasi. Berarti nasi kurang baik bagi KESEHATAN.
12. Makan nasi menyebabkan keinginan mengkonsumsi sayur dan lauk. Misalnya nasi bandeng (nasi + bandeng goreng), nasi kucing (nasi + kucing goreng), dsb. Hal ini bisa menyebabkan OBESITAS.
15. Nasi DIMASAK dalam suhu lebih dari 100 derajat Celsius. Itu panas yang cukup untuk MEMBUNUH orang.
16. Mudah kehilangan KONSENTRASI, sehingga Anda tidak tahu butir nasi No. 8, 13 dan 14 tidak ada.
Itulah keburukan dari MAKAN NASI
Kesimpulannya:
1. NASI MENYEBABKAN KECANDUAN. Responden kami yang tidak makan nasi selama sehari saja akan kelaparan dan merasa sangat ingin makan nasi lagi.
2. SETENGAH dari seluruh siswa Indonesia yang makan nasi nilainya ada di bawah rata-rata kelas.
3. Manusia pada zaman batu yang tidak pernah makan nasi terbukti TIDAK PERNAH mengidap tumor, Alzheimer, osteoporosis, ataupun Parkinson.
4. Dokter melarang bayi yang baru lahir untuk makan nasi. Hal ini menjadi bukti bahwa nasi punya dampak BERBAHAYA yang sudah dibuktikan oleh ilmu kedokteran.
5. Nasi yang kering biasa dimakan oleh ayam. Nah, sekarang Anda perlu curiga dari mana FLU BURUNG berasal.
6. Jumlah pemakan nasi di Indonesia jauh lebih banyak dibandingkan dengan jumlah pemakan nasi di negara maju. Ini mungkin salah satu penyebab KETERBELAKANGAN pada negara ini.
7. Di warung-warung, umumnya para buruh makan nasi dalam jumlah lebih banyak daripada kaum eksekutif. Hal ini membuktikan bahwa makan nasi MENURUNKAN kemampuan ekonomi seseorang.
9. Makan nasi dapat menyebabkan rasa haus alias MENYERAP air. Padahal tubuh kita sebagian besar terdiri dari air.
10. Dalam kondisi tertentu, makan nasi MENINGKATKAN resiko kematian. Misalnya makan nasi sambil jalan di tengah jalan tol.
11. Pengidap DIABETES lebih dianjurkan makan kentang daripada nasi. Berarti nasi kurang baik bagi KESEHATAN.
12. Makan nasi menyebabkan keinginan mengkonsumsi sayur dan lauk. Misalnya nasi bandeng (nasi + bandeng goreng), nasi kucing (nasi + kucing goreng), dsb. Hal ini bisa menyebabkan OBESITAS.
15. Nasi DIMASAK dalam suhu lebih dari 100 derajat Celsius. Itu panas yang cukup untuk MEMBUNUH orang.
16. Mudah kehilangan KONSENTRASI, sehingga Anda tidak tahu butir nasi No. 8, 13 dan 14 tidak ada.
Itulah keburukan dari MAKAN NASI
Puisi Menentang Pornografi
PUISI ANAK2 BALI MENENTANG UU PORNOGRAFI.
Suara Hati Anak Pantai..
Bang Haji yang saya hormati..
Jangan salahkan turis pakai bikini..
Mereka mencari kehangatan matahari..
Di pantai kebanggaan negeri ini..
Untuk itu tolonglah Bali dipahami..
Tak mungkin berjemur pakai dasi..
Bang Haji yang saya hormati..
Mulailah engkau introspeksi diri..
Kelak kau temukan kebenaran sejati..
Jangan banyak teori..
Apalagi merasa suci..
Engkau sendiri berpoligami..
Kami anak pantai Bali..
Terbiasa dengan pemandangan begini..
Biarpun rambut warna-warni..
Kami masih punya nurani..
Tak pernah ada syahwat menari..
Bang Haji yang saya hormati..
Silahkan engkau datang kemari..
Nikmati alam anugerah ilahi..
Kami sambut dengan suka hati..
Surfing pun akan kami ajari..
Meluncur di atas ombak tinggi..
Akan tetapi..
Janganlah engkau pelototi..
Kalau ada bodi-bodi seksi..
Apalagi sampai birahi..
Bang Haji yang saya hormati..
Mereka jangan dicaci maki..
Apalagi dituduh pornografi..
Semua itu keindahan tubuh yang alami..
Dari negeri Sakura sampai Chili..
Semuanya ada disini..
Mereka tidak mencari sensasi..
Tapi menghilangkan kepenatan sehari-hari..
Jangan fanatik budaya Arab Saudi..
Ingatlah budaya Indonesia asli..
Sensual tapi penuh arti..
Jika kau paksa terapkan di Bali..
Semua itu akan jadi basi..
Bang Haji yang saya hormati..
Jika engkau sudah datang kemari..
Satu hal yang saya peringati..
Meski ada turis cantik sekali..
Janganlah kau jadikan istri..
Karena istrimu sudah banyak sekali..
Suara Hati Anak Pantai..
Bang Haji yang saya hormati..
Jangan salahkan turis pakai bikini..
Mereka mencari kehangatan matahari..
Di pantai kebanggaan negeri ini..
Untuk itu tolonglah Bali dipahami..
Tak mungkin berjemur pakai dasi..
Bang Haji yang saya hormati..
Mulailah engkau introspeksi diri..
Kelak kau temukan kebenaran sejati..
Jangan banyak teori..
Apalagi merasa suci..
Engkau sendiri berpoligami..
Kami anak pantai Bali..
Terbiasa dengan pemandangan begini..
Biarpun rambut warna-warni..
Kami masih punya nurani..
Tak pernah ada syahwat menari..
Bang Haji yang saya hormati..
Silahkan engkau datang kemari..
Nikmati alam anugerah ilahi..
Kami sambut dengan suka hati..
Surfing pun akan kami ajari..
Meluncur di atas ombak tinggi..
Akan tetapi..
Janganlah engkau pelototi..
Kalau ada bodi-bodi seksi..
Apalagi sampai birahi..
Bang Haji yang saya hormati..
Mereka jangan dicaci maki..
Apalagi dituduh pornografi..
Semua itu keindahan tubuh yang alami..
Dari negeri Sakura sampai Chili..
Semuanya ada disini..
Mereka tidak mencari sensasi..
Tapi menghilangkan kepenatan sehari-hari..
Jangan fanatik budaya Arab Saudi..
Ingatlah budaya Indonesia asli..
Sensual tapi penuh arti..
Jika kau paksa terapkan di Bali..
Semua itu akan jadi basi..
Bang Haji yang saya hormati..
Jika engkau sudah datang kemari..
Satu hal yang saya peringati..
Meski ada turis cantik sekali..
Janganlah kau jadikan istri..
Karena istrimu sudah banyak sekali..
Kambing Congek Gus Dur
Gus Dur diberitahu oleh seorang ajudan bahwa di luar istana telah berkumpul sekelompok massa garis keras yg berdemo menuntut pembubaran Ahmadiyah.
Ajudan tsb juga menginformasikan bahwa para demonstran membawa ayam betina sebagai simbol berikut sindiran atas kepengecutan Gus Dur yg enggan membubarkan aliran yg mereka anggap sesat.
Gus Dur berjalan keluar istana dan menemui para demonstran sambil bertanya:
"Mengapa kamu berdemo sambil membawa kambing kemari?
Apakah kamu pikir saya seperti kambing congek?
Yg bodoh dan mudah dikendalikan oleh orang lain?
Atau apakah kamu pikir bahwa saya adalah orang yg mudah diadu domba?
Yg brutal dan gampang nyeruduk? Saya pikir, saya tidak memiliki sifat2 seperti itu.
Lain kali kalau demo, bawalah simbol yg pas."
Seorang demostran berteriak: "Dasar buta! Yg kami bawa AYAM bukan KAMBING!"
Gus Dur menjawab: "Saya sedang bertanya sama AYAM, kenapa yg nyautin KAMBING?"
Ajudan tsb juga menginformasikan bahwa para demonstran membawa ayam betina sebagai simbol berikut sindiran atas kepengecutan Gus Dur yg enggan membubarkan aliran yg mereka anggap sesat.
Gus Dur berjalan keluar istana dan menemui para demonstran sambil bertanya:
"Mengapa kamu berdemo sambil membawa kambing kemari?
Apakah kamu pikir saya seperti kambing congek?
Yg bodoh dan mudah dikendalikan oleh orang lain?
Atau apakah kamu pikir bahwa saya adalah orang yg mudah diadu domba?
Yg brutal dan gampang nyeruduk? Saya pikir, saya tidak memiliki sifat2 seperti itu.
Lain kali kalau demo, bawalah simbol yg pas."
Seorang demostran berteriak: "Dasar buta! Yg kami bawa AYAM bukan KAMBING!"
Gus Dur menjawab: "Saya sedang bertanya sama AYAM, kenapa yg nyautin KAMBING?"
Woman Gives Back
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home..
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal..
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her..
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home..
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal..
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her..
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'
The Hamster and the Frog
A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”
The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”
The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”
“Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.”
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
“Money or another miracle — else no drink,” says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
The bartender says to the guy “Are you some kind of a nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.”
“Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist”
The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”
The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”
“Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.”
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
“Money or another miracle — else no drink,” says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
The bartender says to the guy “Are you some kind of a nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.”
“Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist”
The Irish Millionaire
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left – phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question, will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple. It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris , "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris .
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
“Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left – phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question, will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple. It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris , "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris .
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
“Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
The Story of Good Girls; Bad Girls And Naughty Girls
Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains
Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Naughty girls don't really give a shit
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a "pearl necklace "
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Naughty girls pack their dildos
Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection
Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place
Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra
Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.
Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home with two of them.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains
Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Naughty girls don't really give a shit
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a "pearl necklace "
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Naughty girls pack their dildos
Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection
Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place
Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra
Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.
Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home with two of them.
Flying Over The Fire
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
“I will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!”. The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”
“I will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!”. The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”
Kentut Sebuah Puisi
Kentut (sebuah puisi)
Dia tak berwujud, tak bernyawa
Tapi baunya terasa
Dia tak berbahaya tapi dijauhi
Dia ramah tetapi tak didekati
Kalau bunyinya keras artinya jujur
Tak bersuara ertinya pemalu...
Keluar sekaligus ertinya berjiwa besar
Setengah-setengah artinya berhemat...
Oh KENTUT...
Orang Inggris kentut, dia bilang: "excuse me"
Orang Amerika kentut, dia bilang: "pardon me"
Orang Malaysia kentut dia bilang: "not me, not me”!!!
Kentut itu seru..!!!
Asyik dikumpul, ditahan
Lalu diledakkan sekeras-kerasnya di tengah-tengah kelas
Agar teman-teman ketawa atau malah jadi gila...
Kentut, seperti persahabatan ...hangatnya terasa
Begitu tercium, semua orang tahu ada "dia"
yang selalu menemani hidup kita...
Kentut, tidak kentut bererti tidak sehat
kerap kentut bererti dahsyat..
Kentut... hati-hatilah melepaskannya
Bertubi-tubi tandanya habis makan ubi
Berair tandanya me... [tidak lengkap]
Dia tak berwujud, tak bernyawa
Tapi baunya terasa
Dia tak berbahaya tapi dijauhi
Dia ramah tetapi tak didekati
Kalau bunyinya keras artinya jujur
Tak bersuara ertinya pemalu...
Keluar sekaligus ertinya berjiwa besar
Setengah-setengah artinya berhemat...
Oh KENTUT...
Orang Inggris kentut, dia bilang: "excuse me"
Orang Amerika kentut, dia bilang: "pardon me"
Orang Malaysia kentut dia bilang: "not me, not me”!!!
Kentut itu seru..!!!
Asyik dikumpul, ditahan
Lalu diledakkan sekeras-kerasnya di tengah-tengah kelas
Agar teman-teman ketawa atau malah jadi gila...
Kentut, seperti persahabatan ...hangatnya terasa
Begitu tercium, semua orang tahu ada "dia"
yang selalu menemani hidup kita...
Kentut, tidak kentut bererti tidak sehat
kerap kentut bererti dahsyat..
Kentut... hati-hatilah melepaskannya
Bertubi-tubi tandanya habis makan ubi
Berair tandanya me... [tidak lengkap]
Setting Telephone Poles
The local newspaper posts an ad for experienced linesmen needed to set new telephone poles for the phone company.
Three groups of 4 men answer the ad.
The foreman in charge says, “Good. Here’s a new truck for each group, complete with tools and all necessary equipment. Go set as many poles as you can in a day’s time, and the group which sets the most poles will be hired.”
By day’s end, the first group arrives back at the maintenance area. The foreman asks, “Well, gentlemen, how many poles were you able to set today”?
The leader of the group replies, “Well, sir, we set 6 poles today.” The foreman says, “That’s good. I believe the record for a day is 9. So let’s see how the other two groups fair, and that will determine who is hired.”
Just a short time later, the second group arrives back and reports in. “We set 5 poles, sir, and repaired an adjacent pole also”. The foreman says, “Good job, guys! We’re still waiting on the last squad to return, then we’ll know who to hire.”
Shortly before dark, the last crew returns to the maintenance area. Their truck is all covered with mud, broken parts hanging off, broken tools, and a flat tire.
The foreman comments, “Wow, you guys must’ve really torn ‘em up out there! Just how many poles were you and your crew able to set today?”
The crew leader says, “Well, sir, we set I pole today”.
The foreman was incredulous. “You mean to say you only were able to set one pole all day? These two crews were able to set 6 and 5 poles, but you could only set one? What was the problem?”
“Well, sir,” the crew leader replied, “they may have set 5 or 6 poles... but did you see how far they stuck out of the ground
Three groups of 4 men answer the ad.
The foreman in charge says, “Good. Here’s a new truck for each group, complete with tools and all necessary equipment. Go set as many poles as you can in a day’s time, and the group which sets the most poles will be hired.”
By day’s end, the first group arrives back at the maintenance area. The foreman asks, “Well, gentlemen, how many poles were you able to set today”?
The leader of the group replies, “Well, sir, we set 6 poles today.” The foreman says, “That’s good. I believe the record for a day is 9. So let’s see how the other two groups fair, and that will determine who is hired.”
Just a short time later, the second group arrives back and reports in. “We set 5 poles, sir, and repaired an adjacent pole also”. The foreman says, “Good job, guys! We’re still waiting on the last squad to return, then we’ll know who to hire.”
Shortly before dark, the last crew returns to the maintenance area. Their truck is all covered with mud, broken parts hanging off, broken tools, and a flat tire.
The foreman comments, “Wow, you guys must’ve really torn ‘em up out there! Just how many poles were you and your crew able to set today?”
The crew leader says, “Well, sir, we set I pole today”.
The foreman was incredulous. “You mean to say you only were able to set one pole all day? These two crews were able to set 6 and 5 poles, but you could only set one? What was the problem?”
“Well, sir,” the crew leader replied, “they may have set 5 or 6 poles... but did you see how far they stuck out of the ground
Personal matter
This bartender is in a fun bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, “May I please speak to your manager?”
He says, “Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?”
She replies, “I don’t know if your the man to talk to…its kind of personal…”
Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, “I’m pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss.”
She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth…and he begins sucking them, thinking
“I’m in!!!”
She goes, “Can you give the manager something for me?”
The bartender nods…yes.
“Tell him there’s no toilet paper in the ladies restroom.”
He says, “Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?”
She replies, “I don’t know if your the man to talk to…its kind of personal…”
Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, “I’m pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss.”
She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth…and he begins sucking them, thinking
“I’m in!!!”
She goes, “Can you give the manager something for me?”
The bartender nods…yes.
“Tell him there’s no toilet paper in the ladies restroom.”
Kids and God
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
One little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy and said quietly, “Good morning Alex.”
“Good morning, Pastor” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor McGhee, what is this?” Alex asked.
“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service.”
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he asked,
“Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?”
One little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy and said quietly, “Good morning Alex.”
“Good morning, Pastor” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor McGhee, what is this?” Alex asked.
“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service.”
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he asked,
“Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?”
Nine Words Women Use
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake..
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--- off!
(9) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know it's true!!!
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake..
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--- off!
(9) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know it's true!!!
8 Kata-kata Bijak
1. Uang bukan segalanya... Masih ada VISA & Mastercard
2. Sayangilah binatang karena mereka sangat lezat
3. Hematlah air! dengan cara mandi berdua bersama pacar di bawah pancuran shower
4. Di belakang pria sukses ada seorang wanita hebat. Di belakang wanita sukses
ada pria stress.
5. Cintailah tetangga, karena rumput mereka lebih hijau
6. Cinta itu photogenic, ia memerlukan tempat yang sepi dan gelap untuk
berkembang
7. Pakaian itu adalah pagar pelindung. Pagar harusnya melindungi bukan
menghalangi pemandangan!
8. Masa depan tergantung pada impianmu! Jadi tidurlah sekarang!!!
2. Sayangilah binatang karena mereka sangat lezat
3. Hematlah air! dengan cara mandi berdua bersama pacar di bawah pancuran shower
4. Di belakang pria sukses ada seorang wanita hebat. Di belakang wanita sukses
ada pria stress.
5. Cintailah tetangga, karena rumput mereka lebih hijau
6. Cinta itu photogenic, ia memerlukan tempat yang sepi dan gelap untuk
berkembang
7. Pakaian itu adalah pagar pelindung. Pagar harusnya melindungi bukan
menghalangi pemandangan!
8. Masa depan tergantung pada impianmu! Jadi tidurlah sekarang!!!
Clever Anagrams
This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you re arrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you r rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAN D FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you re arrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you r rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAN D FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Romantic Poetry
I wrote your name on sand, it got washed
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away, then
I wrote your name on my heart and I got heart attack.
God saw me hungry, he created pizza
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi
He saw me in dark, he created light
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
The rain makes all things beautiful,
the grass and flowers too
If rain makes all things beautiful,
why doesn’t it rain on you?
Roses are red, violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo
Don’t feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you.
When your life is in the darkness,
pray to God ask him to free u from darkness
And if after you pray and you are still in darkness,
please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL!
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away, then
I wrote your name on my heart and I got heart attack.
God saw me hungry, he created pizza
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi
He saw me in dark, he created light
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
The rain makes all things beautiful,
the grass and flowers too
If rain makes all things beautiful,
why doesn’t it rain on you?
Roses are red, violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo
Don’t feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you.
When your life is in the darkness,
pray to God ask him to free u from darkness
And if after you pray and you are still in darkness,
please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL!
Way Too Much Tequila
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well...., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
"Well...., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
Good Wife
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”
‘Only when he’s been drinking.’
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”
‘Only when he’s been drinking.’
The Preacher Said
'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river''
And the congregation cried, 'Amen! '
'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river'
And the congregation cried, 'Amen!'
'And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river'
Again the congregation cried, 'Amen!'
The Preacher sat down.
The deacon then stood up & said: 'For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing:
'We shall drink from that River.'
THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED 'HALLELUYAAAAAA'.
And the congregation cried, 'Amen! '
'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river'
And the congregation cried, 'Amen!'
'And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river'
Again the congregation cried, 'Amen!'
The Preacher sat down.
The deacon then stood up & said: 'For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing:
'We shall drink from that River.'
THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED 'HALLELUYAAAAAA'.
Tentara Wedi Bojo
Mari pegatan muntiyadi terus rujukan maneh karo romlah.
Masalahe muntiyadi cinta pol karo romlah.
Kapanane ndek kesatuanne muntiyadi, tentara diperintah baris.
Tapi komandan njaluk barisanne dibagi loro.
Barisan sing pertama tentara sing wedi karo bojone.
Barisan sing kedua tentara sing gak wedi karo bojone.
Pas komandan ngecek barisan.
Barisan sing pertama akeh pol…
Barisan sing kedua cuman siji yo muntiyadi
Komandanne takok nang muntiyadi :
Opo’o peno kok gak wedi karo bojo.
“Lho aku iki ndek barisan kedua, dikongkon karo bojoku” Jare muntiyadi.
Masalahe muntiyadi cinta pol karo romlah.
Kapanane ndek kesatuanne muntiyadi, tentara diperintah baris.
Tapi komandan njaluk barisanne dibagi loro.
Barisan sing pertama tentara sing wedi karo bojone.
Barisan sing kedua tentara sing gak wedi karo bojone.
Pas komandan ngecek barisan.
Barisan sing pertama akeh pol…
Barisan sing kedua cuman siji yo muntiyadi
Komandanne takok nang muntiyadi :
Opo’o peno kok gak wedi karo bojo.
“Lho aku iki ndek barisan kedua, dikongkon karo bojoku” Jare muntiyadi.
Where is God
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
11 People On A Rope
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . . . . .
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . . . . .
Jenis dan tipe pipis lelaki
LELAKI PEMBENCI:
Sesudah pipis, trus ngeludahin pipisnya.
LELAKI CUEK:
Abis pipis, resleting ga ditutup, celana ga dikancing.
LELAKI COOL:
Pipis di kulkas.
LELAKI LICIK:
Pipis di dalam kolam renang.
LELAKI BERANI:
Pipis di dalam kandang singa.
LELAKI HANGAT:
Pipis deket kompor
LELAKI BUAYA:|
Pipis sambil tengkurep.
LELAKI HATI-HATI:
Pipisnya dikeluarin pelan-pelan (takut bunyi)
LELAKI TUKANG NYONTEK:
Kalo pipis di toilet umum, suka liatin punya tetangga sebelahnya.
LELAKI SIA-SIA:
Pas kebelet pipis, buru-buru lari ke toilet, belum sempet buka celana udah pipis di celana duluan.
LELAKI PERCAYA DIRI:
Kalo pipis kepalanya tegak, sambil liat ke depan.
LELAKI PENGHIBUR:
Kalo pipis sambil bersiul ato menyanyi.
LELAKI ILMUWAN:
Tiap kali pipis, sebagian pipisnya selalu disisihkan sebagai sampel untuk diteliti.
LELAKI SENSITIF:
Baru minum dikit udah kebelet pipis.
LELAKI SIAL:
Lagi pipis, kepingin kentut yang keluar BAB.
LELAKI BOROS:
Minum sedikit, pipisnya banyak.
LELAKI BISNIS:
Pipisnya bisa dijual.
LELAKI HOBI BERKEBUN:
Tiap mau pipis selalu cari kebun terdekat.
LELAKI PETUALANG:
Pipis pagi di Bogor, pipis siang di Jakarta, pipis malam di bandung.
LELAKI EFISIEN:
Meskipun sudah waktunya pipis, tapi ditahan dulu sampai kebelet buang air besar, baru kemudian melakukan keduanya dalam satu waktu yang sama.
LELAKI PELIT:
Kalau buang air besar di WC Umum, ngakunya pipis (biar bayar murah).
LELAKI DERMAWAN:
Pipis di WC Umum, pipisnya nggak keluar, tapi tetep bayar.
LELAKI KOMUNIKATIF:
Pipis sambil ketik SMS.
LELAKI ENGGAK ADA KERJAAN:
Pipis sambil baca tulisan ini ^_^
Sesudah pipis, trus ngeludahin pipisnya.
LELAKI CUEK:
Abis pipis, resleting ga ditutup, celana ga dikancing.
LELAKI COOL:
Pipis di kulkas.
LELAKI LICIK:
Pipis di dalam kolam renang.
LELAKI BERANI:
Pipis di dalam kandang singa.
LELAKI HANGAT:
Pipis deket kompor
LELAKI BUAYA:|
Pipis sambil tengkurep.
LELAKI HATI-HATI:
Pipisnya dikeluarin pelan-pelan (takut bunyi)
LELAKI TUKANG NYONTEK:
Kalo pipis di toilet umum, suka liatin punya tetangga sebelahnya.
LELAKI SIA-SIA:
Pas kebelet pipis, buru-buru lari ke toilet, belum sempet buka celana udah pipis di celana duluan.
LELAKI PERCAYA DIRI:
Kalo pipis kepalanya tegak, sambil liat ke depan.
LELAKI PENGHIBUR:
Kalo pipis sambil bersiul ato menyanyi.
LELAKI ILMUWAN:
Tiap kali pipis, sebagian pipisnya selalu disisihkan sebagai sampel untuk diteliti.
LELAKI SENSITIF:
Baru minum dikit udah kebelet pipis.
LELAKI SIAL:
Lagi pipis, kepingin kentut yang keluar BAB.
LELAKI BOROS:
Minum sedikit, pipisnya banyak.
LELAKI BISNIS:
Pipisnya bisa dijual.
LELAKI HOBI BERKEBUN:
Tiap mau pipis selalu cari kebun terdekat.
LELAKI PETUALANG:
Pipis pagi di Bogor, pipis siang di Jakarta, pipis malam di bandung.
LELAKI EFISIEN:
Meskipun sudah waktunya pipis, tapi ditahan dulu sampai kebelet buang air besar, baru kemudian melakukan keduanya dalam satu waktu yang sama.
LELAKI PELIT:
Kalau buang air besar di WC Umum, ngakunya pipis (biar bayar murah).
LELAKI DERMAWAN:
Pipis di WC Umum, pipisnya nggak keluar, tapi tetep bayar.
LELAKI KOMUNIKATIF:
Pipis sambil ketik SMS.
LELAKI ENGGAK ADA KERJAAN:
Pipis sambil baca tulisan ini ^_^
The Mailman's Last Day
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who
congratulated him
and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him),
and led him up the stairs to the bedroom -- where they had a most passionate liaison
Afterwards, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage,
blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
'...All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, .......but what's the dollar for?'
'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day ...and that we should do
something special for you I asked him what to give you?'
He said, "....Screw him ........give him a dollar."
She then blushed and added, '.....But the breakfast was my idea!
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who
congratulated him
and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him),
and led him up the stairs to the bedroom -- where they had a most passionate liaison
Afterwards, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage,
blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
'...All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, .......but what's the dollar for?'
'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day ...and that we should do
something special for you I asked him what to give you?'
He said, "....Screw him ........give him a dollar."
She then blushed and added, '.....But the breakfast was my idea!
Roti
Seorang paman membuat surprise istrinya dengan mengadakan pesta besar memesan lewat telephone pada toko roti tart JUMBO ,
untuk ulang tahun istrinya dengan pesan tulisan. yang dibacakan lewat telephone.
ditulis paling atas, Istriku sayang,
bagian atas " kamu tetap cantik"
bagian tengah.." hangat "
dan bagian bawah " setiap hari menjadi pujaanku "
Roti pesanan datang dan disaksikan tamu tamu lain,
bunyi tulisan persis dalam telephone,
" Istriku sayang,
bagian atas kamu tetap cantik
bagian tengah hangat dan
bagian bawah setiap hari menjadi pujaanku "
plok o plok opok oplok oplok,. gegap gempita tempik sorak para undangan.
untuk ulang tahun istrinya dengan pesan tulisan. yang dibacakan lewat telephone.
ditulis paling atas, Istriku sayang,
bagian atas " kamu tetap cantik"
bagian tengah.." hangat "
dan bagian bawah " setiap hari menjadi pujaanku "
Roti pesanan datang dan disaksikan tamu tamu lain,
bunyi tulisan persis dalam telephone,
" Istriku sayang,
bagian atas kamu tetap cantik
bagian tengah hangat dan
bagian bawah setiap hari menjadi pujaanku "
plok o plok opok oplok oplok,. gegap gempita tempik sorak para undangan.
The Blonde Mortician
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, and points out that the man looks good in the black suit he's already wearing.
The widow, however, says she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit that fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician returns her blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, and points out that the man looks good in the black suit he's already wearing.
The widow, however, says she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit that fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician returns her blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)
At The Bar
Di sebuah bar di tengah kota New York, masuklah seorang Chinese bernama Kong Beng dan duduk di kursi bar.
Disamping Kong Beng duduklah 2 orang bule dan berkata pada bartender "Johnnie Walker, Single"
Dan yg satunya berkata "Jack Daniels, Single"
Lalu si bartender melirik ke Kok Beng dan bertanya "And you Sir?"
Dengan tegas Kok Beng menjawab:
"Tan Kok Beng, Married"...
Disamping Kong Beng duduklah 2 orang bule dan berkata pada bartender "Johnnie Walker, Single"
Dan yg satunya berkata "Jack Daniels, Single"
Lalu si bartender melirik ke Kok Beng dan bertanya "And you Sir?"
Dengan tegas Kok Beng menjawab:
"Tan Kok Beng, Married"...
Mother in Law
Husband and wife had a tiff.
Wife called up her mum and said, “he fought with me again, I am coming to live with you”.
Mom said, “No, no baby, he must pay for his mistake, I am coming to stay with you.”
Dave sent his wife a message that he'd be home a day earlier than planned. Arriving at the house, he discovered his wife in bed with another man. Bitterly, Dave kicked them out of the house, and started to plan a course of action. His thoughts were interrupted by a call from his soon to be ex-mother- in- law. She believed that there was no doubt a good explanation for her daughter's behavior. Dave told her to buzz off.
The next day his mother-in-law called again. "Didn't I tell you?" she said. "Didn't I tell you there was an explanation? I just got through talking to your wife. She never got your e-mail! It's all YOUR fault!"
Wife called up her mum and said, “he fought with me again, I am coming to live with you”.
Mom said, “No, no baby, he must pay for his mistake, I am coming to stay with you.”
Dave sent his wife a message that he'd be home a day earlier than planned. Arriving at the house, he discovered his wife in bed with another man. Bitterly, Dave kicked them out of the house, and started to plan a course of action. His thoughts were interrupted by a call from his soon to be ex-mother- in- law. She believed that there was no doubt a good explanation for her daughter's behavior. Dave told her to buzz off.
The next day his mother-in-law called again. "Didn't I tell you?" she said. "Didn't I tell you there was an explanation? I just got through talking to your wife. She never got your e-mail! It's all YOUR fault!"
Various Thinker
...It should be things...
Q: What is the definition of a baby.... ?
A: A cute little starter person.
Early to bed, early to rise and your girlfriend goes out with other guys.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
Q: Where do most women have curly hair?"
A: In Africa
Grammar is important: Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse & helping your uncle jack of a horse.......
I'm not aging, I just need re-potting
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: What is the definition of a baby.... ?
A: A cute little starter person.
Early to bed, early to rise and your girlfriend goes out with other guys.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
Q: Where do most women have curly hair?"
A: In Africa
Grammar is important: Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse & helping your uncle jack of a horse.......
I'm not aging, I just need re-potting
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Test Yourself
1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility.
2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.
3. And discover #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
5. You'll soon forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face .
2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.
3. And discover #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
5. You'll soon forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face .
I love this Doctor
I love this Doctor!
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy ?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy ?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Ceritaan Horor
Adi sedang dlm perjalanan ke Jakarta dgn bis mlm. Di tengah perjalanan, bis berhenti di terminal, seorg kakek tua naik & menawarkan buku2 pd penumpang.
“Bukunya nak? Ada mcm2 nih. Buku silat, cinta2an, agama, dll”, ujar si kakek.
Adi yg sedang tdk bisa tidur pun tertarik. “Ada buku horor ga kek?”
“Oh suka cerita horor ya? Kebetulan sisa 1. Pas lg ceritanya ttg bis yg ditinggali bnyak arwah penasaran. Judulnya ‘Bis Malam Penasaran’. Serem bnget pokoknya.”
“Boleh jg tuh. Harganya?”
“Rp150.000, nak”
“Wow, mahal banget, kek”.
“Ya namanya jg buku best seller. Semua yg baca buku ini kabarnya syok loh wkt baca endingnya”, si kakek promosi ala salesman.
Adi pun mengalah. Entah kenapa, pd saat ia serahkan uang tersebut ke kakek, tiba2 petir menggelegar. Angin mulai bertiup kencang. Si kakek turun dr bis, namun tiba2 berhenti & menolehkan wajahnya pelan2 ke Adi.
“Nak”, ujarnya lirih, “apa pun yg terjadi, harap jangan buka halaman terakhir.
Ingat, apapun yg terjadi. Kalau tdk nanti kamu akan menyesal & saya tdk mau bertanggung jawab.”
Jantung Adi berdegup kencang. Saking takutnya, ia sampai tdk mampu menganggukkan kepala hingga si kakek turun dr bis & menghilang ditelan kegelapan.
Pd saat tengah malam, Adi selesai membaca seluruh buku tersebut. Kecuali halaman terakhir. Dan memang benar spt yg dikatakan si kakek, buku itu benar2 menegangkan & menyeramkan. Bis melaju kencang, hujan turun deras. Kilat menyambar bergantian, terdengar suara guruh menggelegar. Adi melihat sekeliling & ternyata semua penumpang sdh terlelap. Bulu kuduknya merinding.
“Baca halaman terakhirnya gak ya?”, pikir Adi bimbang. Antara penasaran & rasa takut berbaur jd satu. Di luar mlm tampak makin gelap. “Ah sudah'lah, sekalian aja. Nanggung!”
Dengan tangan gemetar ia pun membuka halaman terakhir buku tersebut secara perlahan.
Dan akhirnya tampak lembaran kosong dgn sepotong tulisan di bagian pojok kanan atas.
Sambil menelan ludah, Adi membaca huruf demi huruf yg tercantum:
BIS MALAM PENASARAN
Terbitan CV. Pustaka Buku
Jenis: Horor
Harga Pas: Rp 12.500
“Bukunya nak? Ada mcm2 nih. Buku silat, cinta2an, agama, dll”, ujar si kakek.
Adi yg sedang tdk bisa tidur pun tertarik. “Ada buku horor ga kek?”
“Oh suka cerita horor ya? Kebetulan sisa 1. Pas lg ceritanya ttg bis yg ditinggali bnyak arwah penasaran. Judulnya ‘Bis Malam Penasaran’. Serem bnget pokoknya.”
“Boleh jg tuh. Harganya?”
“Rp150.000, nak”
“Wow, mahal banget, kek”.
“Ya namanya jg buku best seller. Semua yg baca buku ini kabarnya syok loh wkt baca endingnya”, si kakek promosi ala salesman.
Adi pun mengalah. Entah kenapa, pd saat ia serahkan uang tersebut ke kakek, tiba2 petir menggelegar. Angin mulai bertiup kencang. Si kakek turun dr bis, namun tiba2 berhenti & menolehkan wajahnya pelan2 ke Adi.
“Nak”, ujarnya lirih, “apa pun yg terjadi, harap jangan buka halaman terakhir.
Ingat, apapun yg terjadi. Kalau tdk nanti kamu akan menyesal & saya tdk mau bertanggung jawab.”
Jantung Adi berdegup kencang. Saking takutnya, ia sampai tdk mampu menganggukkan kepala hingga si kakek turun dr bis & menghilang ditelan kegelapan.
Pd saat tengah malam, Adi selesai membaca seluruh buku tersebut. Kecuali halaman terakhir. Dan memang benar spt yg dikatakan si kakek, buku itu benar2 menegangkan & menyeramkan. Bis melaju kencang, hujan turun deras. Kilat menyambar bergantian, terdengar suara guruh menggelegar. Adi melihat sekeliling & ternyata semua penumpang sdh terlelap. Bulu kuduknya merinding.
“Baca halaman terakhirnya gak ya?”, pikir Adi bimbang. Antara penasaran & rasa takut berbaur jd satu. Di luar mlm tampak makin gelap. “Ah sudah'lah, sekalian aja. Nanggung!”
Dengan tangan gemetar ia pun membuka halaman terakhir buku tersebut secara perlahan.
Dan akhirnya tampak lembaran kosong dgn sepotong tulisan di bagian pojok kanan atas.
Sambil menelan ludah, Adi membaca huruf demi huruf yg tercantum:
BIS MALAM PENASARAN
Terbitan CV. Pustaka Buku
Jenis: Horor
Harga Pas: Rp 12.500
Jangan Pernah Menertawakan Pria China
Seorang pria China pergi ke suatu bank di New York City dan berniat untuk meminjam uang sebesar $5000 untuk perjalanan bisnis ke China selama 2 minggu. Si pegawai mengatakan bahwa bank tersebut membutuhkan suatu jaminan untuk pinjaman tersebut, dan kemudian si pria China memberi mobil Ferrari baru yang diparkir di depan bank sebagai jaminan.
Kemudian pegawai bank setuju menggunakannya sebagai jaminan.
Setelah pria China tersebut pergi, pemimpin dan pegawai2 bank tersebut menertawainya karena menggunakan mobil Ferrari baru seharga $250.000 sebagai jaminan terhadap pinjaman sebesar $5000.
Seorang pegawai bank kemudian memarkir mobil Ferrari tersebut ke dalam underground garage milik bank tersebut.
2 minggu kemudian, pria China tersebut kembali, dan membayar hutang sebesar $5000 dan bunganya sebesar $15.41
Pegawai bank berkata, 'Tuan, kami sangat senang bisa berbisnis dengan anda, dan transaksi ini berjalan dengan lancar, tetapi kami sedikit bingung. Ketika anda pergi, kami mengecek anda dan mengetahui bahwa anda adalah seorang jutawan.Mengapa anda repot2 meminjam uang sebesar $5000?'
Si pria China membalas sambil tersenyum, "Dimana lagi tempat di New York City yang bisa digunakan untuk memarkir mobil saya dengan aman hanya dengan harga $15.41, selama 2 minggu"
Kemudian pegawai bank setuju menggunakannya sebagai jaminan.
Setelah pria China tersebut pergi, pemimpin dan pegawai2 bank tersebut menertawainya karena menggunakan mobil Ferrari baru seharga $250.000 sebagai jaminan terhadap pinjaman sebesar $5000.
Seorang pegawai bank kemudian memarkir mobil Ferrari tersebut ke dalam underground garage milik bank tersebut.
2 minggu kemudian, pria China tersebut kembali, dan membayar hutang sebesar $5000 dan bunganya sebesar $15.41
Pegawai bank berkata, 'Tuan, kami sangat senang bisa berbisnis dengan anda, dan transaksi ini berjalan dengan lancar, tetapi kami sedikit bingung. Ketika anda pergi, kami mengecek anda dan mengetahui bahwa anda adalah seorang jutawan.Mengapa anda repot2 meminjam uang sebesar $5000?'
Si pria China membalas sambil tersenyum, "Dimana lagi tempat di New York City yang bisa digunakan untuk memarkir mobil saya dengan aman hanya dengan harga $15.41, selama 2 minggu"
Hanny dan HanniBAL
Janggo yang bisnisnya memelihara kuda pilihan mendapat sepasang kuda jempolan, thoroughbred dari Arab.
Yang cewek diberi nama HANNY, dan yang cowok dinamai HANNIBAL. Mereka memang kuda2 pilihan. Baru saja mereka dimasukkan satu kandang, Hannibal langsung saja “ngerjain” Hanny. Jango sangat senang melihat Hannibal begitu agressive. Dia akan mendapatkan keturunan kuda2 yang jempolan, pikir Jango.
Jango geleng2 kepala melihat kejantanan Hannibal yang “sibuk” pagi, siang dan malam. Dia mulai khawatir. Kalu begini terus, keturunan Hanny dan Hannibal bisa rusak. Lalu Janggo membuat pagar pemisah untuk membatasi ulah Hannibal.
Hanny sambil meledek genit : “Hannibal, aku sekarang aman, gak bisa kamu ganggu lagi”.
Hannibal : “ Jangan panggil aku Hannibal kalau aku gak bias melompati pagar ini”. Hannibal mundur beberapa langkah, lalu lari melompati pagar dengan mudah.
Hanny : “Hannibal, kamu memang kuda jantan sejati dapat kelompati pagar itu”.
Dan sibuklah mereka bermesraan.
Keesokan harinya ketika melihat Hannibal sudah di kandangnya Hanny, Janggo mininngkan pagarnya sampai 3 meter. Kembali lagi Hannibal berhasil melompati pagar itu.
Akhirnya Janggo menambah ketinggian pagar sampai 4 meter, dan memasang kawat berduri diatasnya.
Hanny sambil melenggok-lenggok membuat panas Hannibal : “Hannibal, sakarang aku betul2 aman. Tidak bisa kamu kerjain lagi” Hannibal sambil melirik ke kawat berduri di atas pagar : “Jangan panggil aku Hannibal kalau aku tidak bisa melompati pagar ini” Kemudian Hannibal mengambil ancang2 dan mencoba melompati pagar. Gagal, begitu juga untuk kedua kalinya. Hanny : “Kan aku sudah bilang, bahwa kamu tidak bisa ngapa-ngapain aku lagi. Sekarang aku betul2 bisarelax” Hannibal : “ JANGAN PANGGIL AKU HANNIBAL KALAU AKU TIDAK BISA MELOMPATI PAGAR INI”
Hannibal lalu mengerahkan segala tenaganya, dan berhasil melompati pagar !
Hanny : “Kamu memang hebat, Hannibal” Hannibal sambil terengah-engah : “Jangan panggil aku Hannibal. Panggil aku Hanny saja”.
Hanny : “Lho, kenapa. Tadi bilang, jangan panggil Hannibal kalau kamu gagal”
Hannibal : “Namaku tinggal Hanny. Balku kesangkut di kawat duri !”
Yang cewek diberi nama HANNY, dan yang cowok dinamai HANNIBAL. Mereka memang kuda2 pilihan. Baru saja mereka dimasukkan satu kandang, Hannibal langsung saja “ngerjain” Hanny. Jango sangat senang melihat Hannibal begitu agressive. Dia akan mendapatkan keturunan kuda2 yang jempolan, pikir Jango.
Jango geleng2 kepala melihat kejantanan Hannibal yang “sibuk” pagi, siang dan malam. Dia mulai khawatir. Kalu begini terus, keturunan Hanny dan Hannibal bisa rusak. Lalu Janggo membuat pagar pemisah untuk membatasi ulah Hannibal.
Hanny sambil meledek genit : “Hannibal, aku sekarang aman, gak bisa kamu ganggu lagi”.
Hannibal : “ Jangan panggil aku Hannibal kalau aku gak bias melompati pagar ini”. Hannibal mundur beberapa langkah, lalu lari melompati pagar dengan mudah.
Hanny : “Hannibal, kamu memang kuda jantan sejati dapat kelompati pagar itu”.
Dan sibuklah mereka bermesraan.
Keesokan harinya ketika melihat Hannibal sudah di kandangnya Hanny, Janggo mininngkan pagarnya sampai 3 meter. Kembali lagi Hannibal berhasil melompati pagar itu.
Akhirnya Janggo menambah ketinggian pagar sampai 4 meter, dan memasang kawat berduri diatasnya.
Hanny sambil melenggok-lenggok membuat panas Hannibal : “Hannibal, sakarang aku betul2 aman. Tidak bisa kamu kerjain lagi” Hannibal sambil melirik ke kawat berduri di atas pagar : “Jangan panggil aku Hannibal kalau aku tidak bisa melompati pagar ini” Kemudian Hannibal mengambil ancang2 dan mencoba melompati pagar. Gagal, begitu juga untuk kedua kalinya. Hanny : “Kan aku sudah bilang, bahwa kamu tidak bisa ngapa-ngapain aku lagi. Sekarang aku betul2 bisarelax” Hannibal : “ JANGAN PANGGIL AKU HANNIBAL KALAU AKU TIDAK BISA MELOMPATI PAGAR INI”
Hannibal lalu mengerahkan segala tenaganya, dan berhasil melompati pagar !
Hanny : “Kamu memang hebat, Hannibal” Hannibal sambil terengah-engah : “Jangan panggil aku Hannibal. Panggil aku Hanny saja”.
Hanny : “Lho, kenapa. Tadi bilang, jangan panggil Hannibal kalau kamu gagal”
Hannibal : “Namaku tinggal Hanny. Balku kesangkut di kawat duri !”
Baron van Veght
Baron van Veght, seorang bangsawan pergi berburu dengan didampingi pembantunya yang bernama Jan. Dari pagi sampai tengah hari, mereka tidak mendapat mangsa satupun. Untuk pulamg ke rumah, masih terlalu pagi, dan untuk mengisi waktu, Baron van Veght mengajak Jan untuk membuat sajak secara bergantian.
Baron van Veght mulai dengan sebuah sajak.
Baron : “Jan, je moet niet boos worden. Het is niet waar, maar het rijmt”
– Jan, kamu jangan marah. Ini tidak benar, tetapi bersajak
Jan mulai curiga akan dikerjain yang nampak dari jidatnya yang mengkerut.
Baron : “Jan, nogmaals, niet boos worden, Het is niet waar, maar het rijmt”.
Lalu Baron van Veght mulai dengan sajaknya :
“Baron van Veght,
Heeft geslapen met de vrouw van Jan de Knecht.
- Baron van Veght, telah tidur dengan isterinya Jan de Knecht
Jan tampak cemberut.
Baron : “Jan, ik heb toch al gezegd dat je niet boos mag worden.
Het is niet waar, maar het rijmt.
Nu is het jouw beurt”
- Jan, saya kan sudah bilang kalau kau jangan marah. Tidak benar, tetapi bersajak.
Karena Jan tidak berpendidikan terlalu tinggi, dia kesulitan membuat sajak. Setelah berpikir agak lama, mukanya tampak cerah.
Sambil tersenyum dia mulai dengan sajaknya :
“Jan de Knecht,
Heeft geslapen met de vrouw van de Baron”
- Jan de Knecht telah tidur dengan isterinya Baron
“Jan, maar het rijmt toch niet”, kata Baron van Veght sambil tertawa.
- “Jan, tapi itu kan tidak bersajak”, kata Baron van Veght sambil tertawa.
Jan : “Ja Meneer de Baron, het rijmt niet maar het is waar !”
- Jan : “Ja Meneer de Baron, tidak bersajak, tapi itu benar !”.
Baron van Veght mulai dengan sebuah sajak.
Baron : “Jan, je moet niet boos worden. Het is niet waar, maar het rijmt”
– Jan, kamu jangan marah. Ini tidak benar, tetapi bersajak
Jan mulai curiga akan dikerjain yang nampak dari jidatnya yang mengkerut.
Baron : “Jan, nogmaals, niet boos worden, Het is niet waar, maar het rijmt”.
Lalu Baron van Veght mulai dengan sajaknya :
“Baron van Veght,
Heeft geslapen met de vrouw van Jan de Knecht.
- Baron van Veght, telah tidur dengan isterinya Jan de Knecht
Jan tampak cemberut.
Baron : “Jan, ik heb toch al gezegd dat je niet boos mag worden.
Het is niet waar, maar het rijmt.
Nu is het jouw beurt”
- Jan, saya kan sudah bilang kalau kau jangan marah. Tidak benar, tetapi bersajak.
Karena Jan tidak berpendidikan terlalu tinggi, dia kesulitan membuat sajak. Setelah berpikir agak lama, mukanya tampak cerah.
Sambil tersenyum dia mulai dengan sajaknya :
“Jan de Knecht,
Heeft geslapen met de vrouw van de Baron”
- Jan de Knecht telah tidur dengan isterinya Baron
“Jan, maar het rijmt toch niet”, kata Baron van Veght sambil tertawa.
- “Jan, tapi itu kan tidak bersajak”, kata Baron van Veght sambil tertawa.
Jan : “Ja Meneer de Baron, het rijmt niet maar het is waar !”
- Jan : “Ja Meneer de Baron, tidak bersajak, tapi itu benar !”.
Filosofi Balas Dendam
Kalau ada orang melempar anda dengan batu, janganlah anda membalasnya dengan melempar batu juga.
Balaslah dengan melemparnya dengan BUNGA, tetapi pastikan anda melempar DENGAN POTNYA.
Balaslah dengan melemparnya dengan BUNGA, tetapi pastikan anda melempar DENGAN POTNYA.
Oshima
Seorang Jepang yg mengunjungi sahabat lamanya di Amerika, ditraktir si Amerika ke restoran TGIF.
Amerika: "Do you know what it means, TGIF?".
Jepang: "No, what is it?".
Amerika: "Thank God It's Friday".
Si Jepang terkesan dengan nama dan kepanjangan TGIF tsb. Sekembalinya ke Jepang dia membuka restoran baru dan mengundang si Amerika untuk menghadiri launch nya.
Jepang: "Do you know what it means, my restaurant's name OSHIMA?"
Amerika: "No, what is it?"
Jepang:"O SHit It's Monday Again"
Amerika: "Do you know what it means, TGIF?".
Jepang: "No, what is it?".
Amerika: "Thank God It's Friday".
Si Jepang terkesan dengan nama dan kepanjangan TGIF tsb. Sekembalinya ke Jepang dia membuka restoran baru dan mengundang si Amerika untuk menghadiri launch nya.
Jepang: "Do you know what it means, my restaurant's name OSHIMA?"
Amerika: "No, what is it?"
Jepang:"O SHit It's Monday Again"
The difference between CRAZY and STUPID
One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to Mental Hospital. He discovered a flat tire when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tire down. When he was about to fix the spare tire, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.
One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened. The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.
The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple problem... no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..."Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tires and fix it onto this tire. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that" The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the Mental Hospital?"
Patient replied: "Helloooooooo....., I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"
One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened. The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.
The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple problem... no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..."Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tires and fix it onto this tire. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that" The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the Mental Hospital?"
Patient replied: "Helloooooooo....., I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"
School - College - Company Differences
School:
Two books for one subject.
College:
One book for all subjects.
Company:
Books? Ye kya hota hai. Only follow standards.
**
School:
A White pipe in teacher's hand - CHALK
College:
A White pipe in student's hand CIGARETTE
Company:
A White pipe in employee's hand 100% CIGARETTE
**
School:
Most Frequent letter- LEAVE LETTER
College:
Most Frequent letter- LOVE LETTER
Company:
Most Frequent letter- RESIGNATION LETTER
**
School:
If we go it's boring.
College:
If we don't go it's boring.
Company:
Go/don't go, it's boring
Two books for one subject.
College:
One book for all subjects.
Company:
Books? Ye kya hota hai. Only follow standards.
**
School:
A White pipe in teacher's hand - CHALK
College:
A White pipe in student's hand CIGARETTE
Company:
A White pipe in employee's hand 100% CIGARETTE
**
School:
Most Frequent letter- LEAVE LETTER
College:
Most Frequent letter- LOVE LETTER
Company:
Most Frequent letter- RESIGNATION LETTER
**
School:
If we go it's boring.
College:
If we don't go it's boring.
Company:
Go/don't go, it's boring
Rencana Pemerintah
Rencana pemerintah per Agustus 2010" akan memberi gaji pengangguran di Indonesia sesuai lulusan sekolah yaitu:
SD= 1.250.000,-
SMP= 2.750.000,-
SMU= 3.000.000,-
S1= 4.250.000,-
Gaji buta tersebut akan diberikan dlm bentuk "YEN"...
Dengan ketentuan sbb:
YEN ono dhuwite
YEN Presiden'e mbah'mu
YEN Wakil'e pakdhe'mu
YEN ing tawang ono lintang
YEN betah ora ngguyu..
SD= 1.250.000,-
SMP= 2.750.000,-
SMU= 3.000.000,-
S1= 4.250.000,-
Gaji buta tersebut akan diberikan dlm bentuk "YEN"...
Dengan ketentuan sbb:
YEN ono dhuwite
YEN Presiden'e mbah'mu
YEN Wakil'e pakdhe'mu
YEN ing tawang ono lintang
YEN betah ora ngguyu..
Si Amat Semarang
Si Amat (dudu Achmad lho) wiwit cilik manggon ndok galwareng Semarang, lahir 40 taun kepungkur ndok RS Tionghowa Iwan, saiki nyupir datsu jurusan nggaron – rayu lewat panglima.
Memper yen deweke saiki nyupir, nom-nomane mbeling, gawene galapan brompit lan sering kongkow-kongkow ndok panglima nalika isih anyar-anyare.
Numpake brompit jan sangar banget,samber nggelap tenan.
Maklum yen nalika semono deweke ngerek, bapake mbutge ndok duane, ngicune mbutge ndok kantor anim Jl. Tanjung. Dadi ya gamdo tenan.
Si Amat wayahe sekolah sering co lut, yang-yangan lan klayapan ora genah parane.
Guru-gurune ngrasake Amat ngasi pecah ndase.Uripe saiki walik grembyang tenan, anake wis loro, denyom-denyom kuabeh, tapi deweke isih katon mbois, cambange jan leb godeg tenan.
Bojone dol balangan ndok citarum. Amat saiki wis ora gelem ita-itu maneh, nyupir sakdrema wae, anggere wis entuk patang tangkep terus mulih, arepa juragane nyolu-nyolu kon mancal ngasi bengi. Anak mbarepe dol janganan ndok pasar maling.
Memper yen deweke saiki nyupir, nom-nomane mbeling, gawene galapan brompit lan sering kongkow-kongkow ndok panglima nalika isih anyar-anyare.
Numpake brompit jan sangar banget,samber nggelap tenan.
Maklum yen nalika semono deweke ngerek, bapake mbutge ndok duane, ngicune mbutge ndok kantor anim Jl. Tanjung. Dadi ya gamdo tenan.
Si Amat wayahe sekolah sering co lut, yang-yangan lan klayapan ora genah parane.
Guru-gurune ngrasake Amat ngasi pecah ndase.Uripe saiki walik grembyang tenan, anake wis loro, denyom-denyom kuabeh, tapi deweke isih katon mbois, cambange jan leb godeg tenan.
Bojone dol balangan ndok citarum. Amat saiki wis ora gelem ita-itu maneh, nyupir sakdrema wae, anggere wis entuk patang tangkep terus mulih, arepa juragane nyolu-nyolu kon mancal ngasi bengi. Anak mbarepe dol janganan ndok pasar maling.
Ada seorang laki2 yg pengen belajar facebookan trus dia g tau yg harus dilakukan makanya dia SMS temen perempuannya buat ngajarin Facebook,, isi smsnya kurang lebih begini:
mr X: Mey, warahi aq gae facebook yoo
maya: Oke, u wes nang ngarep komp?
mr X: wes, aq yo wes ndue email
maya: sippp, buka en, browser firefox, nek ga ngono internet explorer
mr X: browser ki opo?
maya: klik menu start trus golekono tulisane Internet explorer
mr X: trus pye?
maya: ketik di kotak paling atas, www.facebook.com? trus enter
mr X: oke, trus???
maya: nek wes metu gambare, isinen form pendaftaran sesuai yg ada
mr X: ngendi ne seng di isi, kok ga ono opo2?
maya: mosok, nang layar ono tulisan opo?
mr X: mung tulisan tok, nduwor dewe ono tulisan "The page cannot be displayed?"
maya: wah, kliru paling lek mu nulis nduwure
mr X: wes bener kok, www.facebook.com
maya: ehm, mungkin koneksi internetmu mati..
mr X: opo butuh internet, ndek omah ga ono internete..
maya: woooo kampr**tt..drijiku sampe kriting, tibake ra ono koneksi..
mr X: ooo, yo wes, kapan2 ae lek aq nang warnet tak sms neh, suwon yoo
maya: podo2, emailmu opo?
mr X: www.cahganteng2000@yahoo.com, digawe ke kancaku, tapi rung tau tak bukak
maya: waduh.. email kok ono www ne ki piye?
mr X: www ki opo?
maya: Wassalamualaikum Warahmatullahu Wabarakatuh
mr X: Mey, warahi aq gae facebook yoo
maya: Oke, u wes nang ngarep komp?
mr X: wes, aq yo wes ndue email
maya: sippp, buka en, browser firefox, nek ga ngono internet explorer
mr X: browser ki opo?
maya: klik menu start trus golekono tulisane Internet explorer
mr X: trus pye?
maya: ketik di kotak paling atas, www.facebook.com? trus enter
mr X: oke, trus???
maya: nek wes metu gambare, isinen form pendaftaran sesuai yg ada
mr X: ngendi ne seng di isi, kok ga ono opo2?
maya: mosok, nang layar ono tulisan opo?
mr X: mung tulisan tok, nduwor dewe ono tulisan "The page cannot be displayed?"
maya: wah, kliru paling lek mu nulis nduwure
mr X: wes bener kok, www.facebook.com
maya: ehm, mungkin koneksi internetmu mati..
mr X: opo butuh internet, ndek omah ga ono internete..
maya: woooo kampr**tt..drijiku sampe kriting, tibake ra ono koneksi..
mr X: ooo, yo wes, kapan2 ae lek aq nang warnet tak sms neh, suwon yoo
maya: podo2, emailmu opo?
mr X: www.cahganteng2000@yahoo.com, digawe ke kancaku, tapi rung tau tak bukak
maya: waduh.. email kok ono www ne ki piye?
mr X: www ki opo?
maya: Wassalamualaikum Warahmatullahu Wabarakatuh
Grandparent's answering machine
Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep. Beeeeeppp ...
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 8:
If you need us to stay with the children, press 1
If you want to borrow the car, press 2
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 3
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 4
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 5
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 6
If you want to come to eat here, press 7
If you need money, press 8
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or taking us to the theater, start talking; we are listening !!!
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 8:
If you need us to stay with the children, press 1
If you want to borrow the car, press 2
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 3
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 4
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 5
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 6
If you want to come to eat here, press 7
If you need money, press 8
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or taking us to the theater, start talking; we are listening !!!
Jumping Off The Empire State Building
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
One turns to the other and says: “You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building – by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.”
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: “What are you, a nut? There is no way that could happen.”
1st Man: “No, it’s true. Let me prove it to you.” So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window, and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: “You know, I saw that with my own eyes but that must have been a one time fluke”
1St Man: “No, I’ll prove it again” and he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs, he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man : “Well it works. I’ll try it”. So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downwards, passes 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors …. And hit the sidewalk with a splat.
Back upstairs, the Bartender turns to the other drinker:
“You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you drink.”
One turns to the other and says: “You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building – by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.”
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: “What are you, a nut? There is no way that could happen.”
1st Man: “No, it’s true. Let me prove it to you.” So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window, and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: “You know, I saw that with my own eyes but that must have been a one time fluke”
1St Man: “No, I’ll prove it again” and he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs, he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man : “Well it works. I’ll try it”. So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downwards, passes 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors …. And hit the sidewalk with a splat.
Back upstairs, the Bartender turns to the other drinker:
“You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you drink.”
Tercepat
Seorang manager HRD sedang menyaring pelamar untuk satu lowongan di kantornya. Setelah membaca seluruh berkas lamaran yang masuk, dia menemukan 4 orang calon yang cocok. Dia memutuskan memanggil ke-4 orang itu dan menanyakan 1 pertanyaan saja. Jawaban mereka akan menjadi penentu apakah akan diterima atau tidak.
Harinya tiba dan ke-4 orang itu sudah duduk rapi di ruangan interview. Si Manager lalau mengajukan 1
pertanyaan: setahu Anda, apa yang bergerak paling cepat?
Kandidat I menjawab, "PIKIRAN. Dia muncul begitu saja di dalam kepala, tanpa peringatan, tanpa ancang-ancang. Tiba-tiba saja dia sudah ada. Pikiran adalah yang bergerak paling cepat yang saya tahu".
"Jawaban yang sangat bagus", sahut si Manager. "Kalau menurut Anda?", tanyanya ke kandidat II.
"Hm....KEJAPAN MATA! Datangnya tidak bisa diperkirakan,dan tanpa kita sadari mata kita sudah berkejap. Kejapan mata adalah yang bergerak paling cepat kalau menurut saya"
"Bagus sekali! Dan memang ada ungkapan 'sekejap mata' untuk menggambarkan betapa cepatnya sesuatu terjadi". Si manager berpaling ke kandidat III, yang kelihatan berpikir keras.
"CAHAYA LAMPU adalah yang tercepat yang saya ketahui", jawabnya, "Saya sering menyalakan saklar di dalam rumah dan lampu yang di taman depan langsung saat itu juga menyala"
Si manager terkesan dengan jawaban kandidat III. "Memang sangat sulit mengalahkan kecepatan cahaya", pujinya.
Dilirik oleh sang manager, kandidat IV menjawab,
"Sudah jelas bahwa yang paling cepat itu adalah MENCRET"
"APA???!!!", seru sang manager yang terkaget-kaget dengan jawaban yang tak terduga itu.
"Oh saya bisa menjelaskannya" , kata si kandidat. "Dua hari lalu kan perut saya mendadak mulas sekali. Cepat-cepat saya berlari ke toilet. Tapi sebelum saya sempat BERPIKIR,MENGEJAPKAN MATA atau MENYALAKAN LAMPU, saya sudah berak di celana"
Harinya tiba dan ke-4 orang itu sudah duduk rapi di ruangan interview. Si Manager lalau mengajukan 1
pertanyaan: setahu Anda, apa yang bergerak paling cepat?
Kandidat I menjawab, "PIKIRAN. Dia muncul begitu saja di dalam kepala, tanpa peringatan, tanpa ancang-ancang. Tiba-tiba saja dia sudah ada. Pikiran adalah yang bergerak paling cepat yang saya tahu".
"Jawaban yang sangat bagus", sahut si Manager. "Kalau menurut Anda?", tanyanya ke kandidat II.
"Hm....KEJAPAN MATA! Datangnya tidak bisa diperkirakan,dan tanpa kita sadari mata kita sudah berkejap. Kejapan mata adalah yang bergerak paling cepat kalau menurut saya"
"Bagus sekali! Dan memang ada ungkapan 'sekejap mata' untuk menggambarkan betapa cepatnya sesuatu terjadi". Si manager berpaling ke kandidat III, yang kelihatan berpikir keras.
"CAHAYA LAMPU adalah yang tercepat yang saya ketahui", jawabnya, "Saya sering menyalakan saklar di dalam rumah dan lampu yang di taman depan langsung saat itu juga menyala"
Si manager terkesan dengan jawaban kandidat III. "Memang sangat sulit mengalahkan kecepatan cahaya", pujinya.
Dilirik oleh sang manager, kandidat IV menjawab,
"Sudah jelas bahwa yang paling cepat itu adalah MENCRET"
"APA???!!!", seru sang manager yang terkaget-kaget dengan jawaban yang tak terduga itu.
"Oh saya bisa menjelaskannya" , kata si kandidat. "Dua hari lalu kan perut saya mendadak mulas sekali. Cepat-cepat saya berlari ke toilet. Tapi sebelum saya sempat BERPIKIR,MENGEJAPKAN MATA atau MENYALAKAN LAMPU, saya sudah berak di celana"
Priest On Vacation
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation By not wearing anything that would identify them
As clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed For a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, Shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach Dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, Enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini Came walking straight towards them..
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
Nodding and addressing each of them individually, Then she passed on by. They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store And bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said
'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'
And started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'
'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,
'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.
They were determined to make this a real vacation By not wearing anything that would identify them
As clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed For a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, Shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach Dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, Enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini Came walking straight towards them..
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
Nodding and addressing each of them individually, Then she passed on by. They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store And bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said
'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'
And started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'
'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,
'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.
Hebatnya huruf S
Sekedar Senyum di Sabtu Sore
Semula Susi sekadar sahabat saya. Sekarang Susi sudah sungguh-sungguh sebagai simpanan sejati saya.
Susi sangat suka saya, saya sangat suka Susi. Susi siswa SMA Swadaya, sekolahnya sekitar Semanggi selatan.
Susi seputih salju, sehalus sutera, semanis sirop. Susi sangat sensual, semampai, sensitif, sexy. Susi secantik selebritis sinetron SCTV Sarah Sehan!
Semalam, saya sama Susi sayang-sayangan. Saya sama Susi satu sarung, satu selimut, satu sprei. S......... (saya sensor sebab sangat sensitif!).
Saya sama Susi serasa suasana surga. Susi senang, saya senang.
Sewaktu sudah subuh, saya stop, Susi sangat sedih sekali. Sekarang setiap saat, saya serahkan selembar surat sama Susi, supaya Susi selalu setia sama saya.
Suatu saat Susi selingkuh sama sahabat saya, Soni, saya sangat sedih sekali. Saya sumpah serapah sama Susi. Semoga Susi sakit selamanya. Saya sabar saja.
Sekarang Susi sebagai simpanan seorang seniman. Susi suka sebar-sebar suara, supaya semua suka sama Susi.
Saya sekarang sudah sama Santi, Santi seorang santri, sopan santun selalu senyum. Sama Santi sekarang saya sadar. Santi suruh saya sembahyang, Santi suruh saya sedekah. Sekitar September saya sah sebagai suami Santi.
Selamat sejahtera selamanya.
SEKIAN
Semula Susi sekadar sahabat saya. Sekarang Susi sudah sungguh-sungguh sebagai simpanan sejati saya.
Susi sangat suka saya, saya sangat suka Susi. Susi siswa SMA Swadaya, sekolahnya sekitar Semanggi selatan.
Susi seputih salju, sehalus sutera, semanis sirop. Susi sangat sensual, semampai, sensitif, sexy. Susi secantik selebritis sinetron SCTV Sarah Sehan!
Semalam, saya sama Susi sayang-sayangan. Saya sama Susi satu sarung, satu selimut, satu sprei. S......... (saya sensor sebab sangat sensitif!).
Saya sama Susi serasa suasana surga. Susi senang, saya senang.
Sewaktu sudah subuh, saya stop, Susi sangat sedih sekali. Sekarang setiap saat, saya serahkan selembar surat sama Susi, supaya Susi selalu setia sama saya.
Suatu saat Susi selingkuh sama sahabat saya, Soni, saya sangat sedih sekali. Saya sumpah serapah sama Susi. Semoga Susi sakit selamanya. Saya sabar saja.
Sekarang Susi sebagai simpanan seorang seniman. Susi suka sebar-sebar suara, supaya semua suka sama Susi.
Saya sekarang sudah sama Santi, Santi seorang santri, sopan santun selalu senyum. Sama Santi sekarang saya sadar. Santi suruh saya sembahyang, Santi suruh saya sedekah. Sekitar September saya sah sebagai suami Santi.
Selamat sejahtera selamanya.
SEKIAN
Never Had A Mexican Maid
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
An Elderly Lady Asserts Herself
An elderly lady finished her shopping and, upon return to the parking lot, found four men in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, screaming at the top of her voice that she knew how to use it and that she would if required, so they should get out of the car.
The four men didn’t wait around for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.
Small problem — her key wouldn’t fit the ignition. Her car, identical to the one she was in, was parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station.
The officer to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the far end of the counter, where four men were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman.
No charges were filed.
The four men didn’t wait around for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.
Small problem — her key wouldn’t fit the ignition. Her car, identical to the one she was in, was parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station.
The officer to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the far end of the counter, where four men were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman.
No charges were filed.
Cerita yang semuanya diawali dengan huruf J
Jeng Juleha janda judes, jelek jerawatan, jari jempolnya jorok. Jeng Juleha jajal jualan jamu jarak jauh Jogya-Jakarta. Jamu jagoannya: jamu jahe.
“Jamu-jamuuu…, jamu jahe-jamu jaheee…!” Juleha jerit-jerit jajakan jamunya, jelajahi jalanan. Jariknya jatuh, Juleha jatuh jumpalitan. Jeng Juleha jerit-jerit:
“Jarikku jatuh, jarikku jatuh…” Juleha jengkel, jualan jamunya jungkir-jungkiran, jadi jemu juga.
Juleha jumpa Jack, jejaka Jawa jomblo, juragan jengkol, jantan,juara judo. Jantungnya Jeng Juleha janda judes jadi jedag-jedug. Juleha janji jera jualan jamu, jadi julietnya Jack.
Johny justru jadi jelous Juleha jadi juliet-nya Jack. Johny juga jejaka jomblo, jalang, juga jangkung. Julukannya, Johny Jago Joget.
“Jieehhh, Jack jejaka Jawa, Jum?” joke-nya johny. Jakunnya jadi jungkat-jungkit jelalatan jenguk Juleha.
“Jangan jealous, John…” jawab Juleha. Jumat, Johny jambret, jagoannya jembatan Joglo jarinya jawil-jawil jerawatnya Juleha. Juleha jerit-jerit:
“Jack, Jack, Johny jahil, jawil-jawil!!!” Jack jumping-in jalan, jembatan juga jemuran.Jack jegal Johny, Jebreeet…, Jack jotos Johny. Jidatnya Johny jenong, jadi Jontor juga jendol… jeleekk.
“John, jangan jahilin Juleha…!” jerit Jack… Jantungnya Johny jedot-jedotan,
“Janji, Jack, janji… Johnny jera…” jawab Johny. Juni, Jack jadikan Johny join jualan jajanan jejer Juleha. Jhony jadi jongosnya Jack-Juleha, jagain jongko, jualan jus jengkol jajanan jurumudi jurusan Jogja-Jombang, julukannya Jus Jengkol Johny “jolly-jolly jumper.” Jumpalagi, jek…!!!
jangan joba-joba jikin jerita jayak jini jagi ja…!!! jusah…!!
“Jamu-jamuuu…, jamu jahe-jamu jaheee…!” Juleha jerit-jerit jajakan jamunya, jelajahi jalanan. Jariknya jatuh, Juleha jatuh jumpalitan. Jeng Juleha jerit-jerit:
“Jarikku jatuh, jarikku jatuh…” Juleha jengkel, jualan jamunya jungkir-jungkiran, jadi jemu juga.
Juleha jumpa Jack, jejaka Jawa jomblo, juragan jengkol, jantan,juara judo. Jantungnya Jeng Juleha janda judes jadi jedag-jedug. Juleha janji jera jualan jamu, jadi julietnya Jack.
Johny justru jadi jelous Juleha jadi juliet-nya Jack. Johny juga jejaka jomblo, jalang, juga jangkung. Julukannya, Johny Jago Joget.
“Jieehhh, Jack jejaka Jawa, Jum?” joke-nya johny. Jakunnya jadi jungkat-jungkit jelalatan jenguk Juleha.
“Jangan jealous, John…” jawab Juleha. Jumat, Johny jambret, jagoannya jembatan Joglo jarinya jawil-jawil jerawatnya Juleha. Juleha jerit-jerit:
“Jack, Jack, Johny jahil, jawil-jawil!!!” Jack jumping-in jalan, jembatan juga jemuran.Jack jegal Johny, Jebreeet…, Jack jotos Johny. Jidatnya Johny jenong, jadi Jontor juga jendol… jeleekk.
“John, jangan jahilin Juleha…!” jerit Jack… Jantungnya Johny jedot-jedotan,
“Janji, Jack, janji… Johnny jera…” jawab Johny. Juni, Jack jadikan Johny join jualan jajanan jejer Juleha. Jhony jadi jongosnya Jack-Juleha, jagain jongko, jualan jus jengkol jajanan jurumudi jurusan Jogja-Jombang, julukannya Jus Jengkol Johny “jolly-jolly jumper.” Jumpalagi, jek…!!!
jangan joba-joba jikin jerita jayak jini jagi ja…!!! jusah…!!
Suami Setia
Sepasang suami-isteri setengah baya sedang ber-jalan2 di mal.
Mereka tampak sangat rukun dan saling menyayangi, terutama dari pihak suami yang menggandeng isterinya kemana saja mereka pergi.
Dengan perasaan kagum, seorang teman pria yang mengantar mereka ingin tahu rahasia kerukunan mereka walaupun mereka telah menikah kurang lebih 40 tahunan, dan menanyakannya dengan bisik2 kepada sang suami.
Sang suami menjawab dengan tenang : "Kalau saya lepaskan gandengan saya kepada isteri saya, dia akan langsung shopping dan memborong habis seluruh isi mal ini !"
Mereka tampak sangat rukun dan saling menyayangi, terutama dari pihak suami yang menggandeng isterinya kemana saja mereka pergi.
Dengan perasaan kagum, seorang teman pria yang mengantar mereka ingin tahu rahasia kerukunan mereka walaupun mereka telah menikah kurang lebih 40 tahunan, dan menanyakannya dengan bisik2 kepada sang suami.
Sang suami menjawab dengan tenang : "Kalau saya lepaskan gandengan saya kepada isteri saya, dia akan langsung shopping dan memborong habis seluruh isi mal ini !"
Salah Sambung
Seorang satpam yang sedang tertidur,terbangun mendengar dering telepon.ia langsung mengangkatnya. terdengar suara di telepon,"Halo, satpam?kaukah itu?"
"ya,ini Satpam,siapa ini?"
"Aku Majikanmu,coba kau ke depan kamar nyonya,dan intip dari lubang kunci,apa yang nyonyamu lakukan...!cepat! "
"Ba...baik tuan...!"
dengan gugup satpam itu segera pergi.sesaat kemudian ia kembali ke telepon.
"Sudah,Satpam? "
"sudah,tuan. .Nyonya sedang tidur.."
"siapa yang tidur di sebelah nyonya?"
"Se..seorang pria kulit putih..."
"Kurangajar! Sudah kuduga! ia berselingkuh. .! Satpam ! Kau tahu apa yang harus kau lakukan !"
"A..apa tuan..?"
"Kau ambil pistol di lacimu,dan tembak mereka berdua..!"
"Tapi..tapi tuan...."
"Jangan membantah,tolol ! ini masalah harga diri ! apa kau mau kupecat ?"
Dengan gugup si Satpam mengambil pistol,pergi ke kamar itu,lalu melaksanakan perintah sang penelepon.setelah itu ia kembali ke telepon.
"Bagaimana,Satpam ? sudah beres ?"
"Sudah,tuan !"
"Apa mereka mati?"
"iya,tuan!"
"baik ! sekarang kau angkat mayatnya,dan buang ke sungai di belakang rumah..!"
"Sungai ? Sungai yang mana ?"
"Sungai yang di belakang rumah,tolol !"
"tapi di belakang rumah tidak ada sungai,tuan. ..adanya pasar swalayan..!"
"Ha ? memangnya ini rumah siapa?"
"ini rumah tuan Hans..!"
"Oh,maaf ya,kalau begitu aku salah sambung..... ..".
"ya,ini Satpam,siapa ini?"
"Aku Majikanmu,coba kau ke depan kamar nyonya,dan intip dari lubang kunci,apa yang nyonyamu lakukan...!cepat! "
"Ba...baik tuan...!"
dengan gugup satpam itu segera pergi.sesaat kemudian ia kembali ke telepon.
"Sudah,Satpam? "
"sudah,tuan. .Nyonya sedang tidur.."
"siapa yang tidur di sebelah nyonya?"
"Se..seorang pria kulit putih..."
"Kurangajar! Sudah kuduga! ia berselingkuh. .! Satpam ! Kau tahu apa yang harus kau lakukan !"
"A..apa tuan..?"
"Kau ambil pistol di lacimu,dan tembak mereka berdua..!"
"Tapi..tapi tuan...."
"Jangan membantah,tolol ! ini masalah harga diri ! apa kau mau kupecat ?"
Dengan gugup si Satpam mengambil pistol,pergi ke kamar itu,lalu melaksanakan perintah sang penelepon.setelah itu ia kembali ke telepon.
"Bagaimana,Satpam ? sudah beres ?"
"Sudah,tuan !"
"Apa mereka mati?"
"iya,tuan!"
"baik ! sekarang kau angkat mayatnya,dan buang ke sungai di belakang rumah..!"
"Sungai ? Sungai yang mana ?"
"Sungai yang di belakang rumah,tolol !"
"tapi di belakang rumah tidak ada sungai,tuan. ..adanya pasar swalayan..!"
"Ha ? memangnya ini rumah siapa?"
"ini rumah tuan Hans..!"
"Oh,maaf ya,kalau begitu aku salah sambung..... ..".
Tukar bebek
Dikisahkan ada seorang tukang jamu yang seksi, kulit putih, bodi semlohay, dan banyak pelanggan pula.
Salah satu pelanggannya akang Amin, penjual bebek di kampung setempat.
Amin : "Neng jamunya satu dong..."
Iteung : "mangga kang..."
Sewaktu menuangkan secangkir jamu, lirak lirik aja mata si Amin melihat betis mulus si Iteung yg waktu itu menggunakan kain selutut
Iseng2 si Amin tanya...
A : "Neng, mau saya kasih gratis bebek 2 ekor nggak...?"
I : "Hhah, beneran kang?... mau kang mau..."
A : "tapi ada saratnya, aku mau liat pahamu yang mulus itu... dikiitt.. aja"
Berpikirlah si Iteung dalam hati, wah ngga beres nih... tapi ngga apa lah, lha orang cuma angkat rok dikit aja koq... Nggak lama si Iteung mengangkat kainnya, sampai pertengahan paha.
Terbelalaklah mata si Amin melihat barang yang putih mulus itu
Makin penasaran lah dia...
A : "Neng... kalo bebeknya saya kasih 5 mau ngga?..."
I : " Hhah, yang bener kang... tapi ngga macam2 yahh?..."
A : " Ya nggak laah... saya cuma mau liat CD-nya... dikiittt aja..."
Mikir lagi tuh si Iteung, mayan dah gw pulang2 bisa bawa 5 ekor bebek cuma nongolin dikit doang CD gw... ya udah deh tanggung, pikirnya.
Dibukanyalah kedua paha tadi sehingga kelihatan CD putihnya si Iteung. Tambah molotot pula mata si Amin, sebentar2 ngelap ilernya yg mulai netes
Tapi memang tukang bebek kaga ada puasnya...
A : "Neng...neng. .. saya kasih 15 bebek mau?"
I : "Wah, pasti syaratnya berat ya kang...."
A : "Aah nggak koq, saya cuma mau ngelus dan ngeremas2 CDmu..."
I : " Nggak ah kang, nanti malah keterusan..."
A : "Nggaak... nggaak bakal keterusan, sumpah... cuma 1 menit deh..."
Akhirnya setelah beberapa saat berpikir keras, dengan terpaksa si Iteung mengikhlaskan CDnya dielus dan diremes2.
Setelah 1 menit... si Iteung-nya ngomong
I : "Kang sudah kang, stop...! bebeknya saya kembalikan aja semua...!"
A : "lha kumaha ?... kenapa emang ???"
I : "Aku mau burungmu aja, cepetaaaann! !!
#@$@#)???
Salah satu pelanggannya akang Amin, penjual bebek di kampung setempat.
Amin : "Neng jamunya satu dong..."
Iteung : "mangga kang..."
Sewaktu menuangkan secangkir jamu, lirak lirik aja mata si Amin melihat betis mulus si Iteung yg waktu itu menggunakan kain selutut
Iseng2 si Amin tanya...
A : "Neng, mau saya kasih gratis bebek 2 ekor nggak...?"
I : "Hhah, beneran kang?... mau kang mau..."
A : "tapi ada saratnya, aku mau liat pahamu yang mulus itu... dikiitt.. aja"
Berpikirlah si Iteung dalam hati, wah ngga beres nih... tapi ngga apa lah, lha orang cuma angkat rok dikit aja koq... Nggak lama si Iteung mengangkat kainnya, sampai pertengahan paha.
Terbelalaklah mata si Amin melihat barang yang putih mulus itu
Makin penasaran lah dia...
A : "Neng... kalo bebeknya saya kasih 5 mau ngga?..."
I : " Hhah, yang bener kang... tapi ngga macam2 yahh?..."
A : " Ya nggak laah... saya cuma mau liat CD-nya... dikiittt aja..."
Mikir lagi tuh si Iteung, mayan dah gw pulang2 bisa bawa 5 ekor bebek cuma nongolin dikit doang CD gw... ya udah deh tanggung, pikirnya.
Dibukanyalah kedua paha tadi sehingga kelihatan CD putihnya si Iteung. Tambah molotot pula mata si Amin, sebentar2 ngelap ilernya yg mulai netes
Tapi memang tukang bebek kaga ada puasnya...
A : "Neng...neng. .. saya kasih 15 bebek mau?"
I : "Wah, pasti syaratnya berat ya kang...."
A : "Aah nggak koq, saya cuma mau ngelus dan ngeremas2 CDmu..."
I : " Nggak ah kang, nanti malah keterusan..."
A : "Nggaak... nggaak bakal keterusan, sumpah... cuma 1 menit deh..."
Akhirnya setelah beberapa saat berpikir keras, dengan terpaksa si Iteung mengikhlaskan CDnya dielus dan diremes2.
Setelah 1 menit... si Iteung-nya ngomong
I : "Kang sudah kang, stop...! bebeknya saya kembalikan aja semua...!"
A : "lha kumaha ?... kenapa emang ???"
I : "Aku mau burungmu aja, cepetaaaann! !!
#@$@#)???
Pitik Homo
Ceritane tentang sebuah peternakan ayam.
Iki crita pitik-pitik ndik peternakane Mat Pithi. Ndik kono onok 25 pitik babon karo situk pitik jago, tapi wis ngurak, tuwo. Ndelok pitik jagone wis tuwo koyok ngono iku mau, sing mestine wis gak isok diarepno isok nglakeni babon sing sak mono akehe, Mat Pithi mutusno tuku jago situk maneh, sing jik enom.
Ndelok onok jago anyar, kathik jik enom, kabluk-ane mesti yo jik get, jago tuwo mau rumangsa kalah saingan. Biasane isok numpak-i babon selawe, hare
... Iki kok onok arek nom. gak urung, babon-babon yo ngrubung jago enom mau, kepengin ngrasakno dilakeni. Jago tuwo yo cemburu berat, guk !
Sopo gak mangkel, ndelok jago enom mau bolak-balik nyengklak babon-babon nganyeng mau iku.
Jago tuwo nyidek-i jago enom. "Dik, masiyo awakmu jik gagah, yo ojok serakah opo-o. Mosok babon selawe dipek kabeh, rek...."
Jago enom, sumbung, ngomong "Sak karepku tah, lik. Kate tak tumpak-i kabeh tah enggak, lak opo jare aku, tah. Opo maneh sing cidek-cidek aku yo pitik-pitik wedok iku dewe. Maeng mulo, tah, peno iku ojok loyo ngono. Pitik jago kok nyekuthuk koyok ngono, lik...", sinis.
"Iyo ae awak-awak iki wis umur akeh, cung. Biyen opo-o jik enom. Wedok-an selawe iku sopo sing numpak-i. Yok opo nek koen 15 aku sepuluh?"
"Gak isok, cak....."
"Wis, peno 20 aku limo ae", penjaluk-e jago tuwo memelas. Timbang enggak.
"Gak isok. Selawe iku aku kabeh...", pitik enom jumawa.
"Wis, aku 2 ae, peno sing 23", pitik tuwo tambah memelas.
"Gak isok ! Titik !"
Pitik tuwo nelongso. Biasa numpak pitik selawe, sak iki siji-sijio ae gak kumanan babar blas. Kabeh dipek jago enom.
"Wis ngene ae", jare jago tuwo. "Yok opo nek nganakno pertandingan. Sing menang oleh numpak-i pitik 25 kabeh, sing kalah ngaplo. Yok opo". Pitik jago tuwo nantang.
Nantang ? Batine jago enom. Pitik wis loyo karek matek-e ae kathik ngejak pertandingan ? Gak salah tah iki ?
"Ayo. Kate pertandingan opo, lik, tak ladeni"
"Mlayu !", jare pitik tuwo.
Mlayu ? Pitik tuwo koyok ngono iku ngejak balapan mlayu ? Wong mlaku ae wis srentengan ?
"Ayo !"
"Tapi aku njaluk syarat", jare jago tuwo.
"Opo syarate ?"
"Aku lak wis tuwo, tah. Aku tak mlayu disik. Nek wis kacek 10 meter, kaet koen mulai mlayu".
Cumak 10 meter ? Lha masiyo seket meter, tah, pasti isok tak uber. Ngono batine jago enom. "Ya wis. Ayo !".
Pitik loro mau mulai ancang-ancang. Pitik tuwo mulai mlayu ndisik-i. Begitu kacek 10 meter, pitik enom baru mulai mlayu. Tambah suwe jarak-e tambah cidhek. Pitik tuwo ambegane wis senen-kemis, mlayu, tapi yo gak isok banter. Tambah suwe jarak antarane pitik tuwo mbarek jago enom tambah cidhek.
Bareng karek sak meter maneh, ujug-ujug onok suwara bedhil "DER !". Pitik enom njengkang kenek bedhil manuk mau. Endase meh pecah keterjang timah pelurune bedhil manuk mau. Kejet-kejet sedhela, terus mati. Kukut wis ! Sing nembak mau Mat Pithi. Lho, ola opo ?
Mat Pithi nyidek-i bangke-ne pitik jago enom sing wis mati mau. Gak tambah ditulungi tah yok opo, malah ditendang-tendang, mbarek misuh-misuh. "Pitik jancukan. Wis ping sepuluh sak wulan iki aku mateni pitik. Angger-angger tuku mesti kliru pitik homo. Gak gelem numpak-i babon, malah nguber-uber pitik jago tuwo thok ! Dobol !"
Iki crita pitik-pitik ndik peternakane Mat Pithi. Ndik kono onok 25 pitik babon karo situk pitik jago, tapi wis ngurak, tuwo. Ndelok pitik jagone wis tuwo koyok ngono iku mau, sing mestine wis gak isok diarepno isok nglakeni babon sing sak mono akehe, Mat Pithi mutusno tuku jago situk maneh, sing jik enom.
Ndelok onok jago anyar, kathik jik enom, kabluk-ane mesti yo jik get, jago tuwo mau rumangsa kalah saingan. Biasane isok numpak-i babon selawe, hare
... Iki kok onok arek nom. gak urung, babon-babon yo ngrubung jago enom mau, kepengin ngrasakno dilakeni. Jago tuwo yo cemburu berat, guk !
Sopo gak mangkel, ndelok jago enom mau bolak-balik nyengklak babon-babon nganyeng mau iku.
Jago tuwo nyidek-i jago enom. "Dik, masiyo awakmu jik gagah, yo ojok serakah opo-o. Mosok babon selawe dipek kabeh, rek...."
Jago enom, sumbung, ngomong "Sak karepku tah, lik. Kate tak tumpak-i kabeh tah enggak, lak opo jare aku, tah. Opo maneh sing cidek-cidek aku yo pitik-pitik wedok iku dewe. Maeng mulo, tah, peno iku ojok loyo ngono. Pitik jago kok nyekuthuk koyok ngono, lik...", sinis.
"Iyo ae awak-awak iki wis umur akeh, cung. Biyen opo-o jik enom. Wedok-an selawe iku sopo sing numpak-i. Yok opo nek koen 15 aku sepuluh?"
"Gak isok, cak....."
"Wis, peno 20 aku limo ae", penjaluk-e jago tuwo memelas. Timbang enggak.
"Gak isok. Selawe iku aku kabeh...", pitik enom jumawa.
"Wis, aku 2 ae, peno sing 23", pitik tuwo tambah memelas.
"Gak isok ! Titik !"
Pitik tuwo nelongso. Biasa numpak pitik selawe, sak iki siji-sijio ae gak kumanan babar blas. Kabeh dipek jago enom.
"Wis ngene ae", jare jago tuwo. "Yok opo nek nganakno pertandingan. Sing menang oleh numpak-i pitik 25 kabeh, sing kalah ngaplo. Yok opo". Pitik jago tuwo nantang.
Nantang ? Batine jago enom. Pitik wis loyo karek matek-e ae kathik ngejak pertandingan ? Gak salah tah iki ?
"Ayo. Kate pertandingan opo, lik, tak ladeni"
"Mlayu !", jare pitik tuwo.
Mlayu ? Pitik tuwo koyok ngono iku ngejak balapan mlayu ? Wong mlaku ae wis srentengan ?
"Ayo !"
"Tapi aku njaluk syarat", jare jago tuwo.
"Opo syarate ?"
"Aku lak wis tuwo, tah. Aku tak mlayu disik. Nek wis kacek 10 meter, kaet koen mulai mlayu".
Cumak 10 meter ? Lha masiyo seket meter, tah, pasti isok tak uber. Ngono batine jago enom. "Ya wis. Ayo !".
Pitik loro mau mulai ancang-ancang. Pitik tuwo mulai mlayu ndisik-i. Begitu kacek 10 meter, pitik enom baru mulai mlayu. Tambah suwe jarak-e tambah cidhek. Pitik tuwo ambegane wis senen-kemis, mlayu, tapi yo gak isok banter. Tambah suwe jarak antarane pitik tuwo mbarek jago enom tambah cidhek.
Bareng karek sak meter maneh, ujug-ujug onok suwara bedhil "DER !". Pitik enom njengkang kenek bedhil manuk mau. Endase meh pecah keterjang timah pelurune bedhil manuk mau. Kejet-kejet sedhela, terus mati. Kukut wis ! Sing nembak mau Mat Pithi. Lho, ola opo ?
Mat Pithi nyidek-i bangke-ne pitik jago enom sing wis mati mau. Gak tambah ditulungi tah yok opo, malah ditendang-tendang, mbarek misuh-misuh. "Pitik jancukan. Wis ping sepuluh sak wulan iki aku mateni pitik. Angger-angger tuku mesti kliru pitik homo. Gak gelem numpak-i babon, malah nguber-uber pitik jago tuwo thok ! Dobol !"
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