Tole baru masuk SD kelas 1, hari pertama dia sudah protes sama ibu guru.. “Bu.. saya seharusnya duduk di kelas 3..” bu guru nya heran.. “Kenapa kamu yakin begitu..?” Tole menjawab dengan mantap..”Soalnya saya lebih pintar dari kakak saya yang sekarang kelas 3..”
Akhirnya bu guru membawa Tole ke ruang kepala sekolah.. Setelah diceritakan oleh bu guru, pak kepala sekolah mencoba menguji Tole dengan berbagai materi pelajaran murid kelas 3 SD..
Kepsek: Berapa 16 dikali 26?
Tole: 416
Kepsek: Perang Diponegoro berlangsung tahun berapa?
Tole: 1825-1830
Kepsek: Siapa penemu lampu bohlam?
Tole: Thomas Alfa Edison
Kepsek: Hewan yang memakan daging dan tumbuhan termasuk golongan apa?
Tole: omnivora
Setelah beberapa pertanyaan, pak Kepsek bilang ke ibu guru.. “Kelihatannya Tole memang cerdas, saya rasa bisa masuk di kelas 3..”
Tapi ibu guru masih belum yakin… "coba saya tes lagi pak kepsek..”
Ibu guru: Benda apakah yang huruf pertama nya K.. huruf terakhirnya L.. yang bisa menjadi tegang, bisa lemas..?(mendengar pertanyaan bu guru pak Kepsek melongo kaget..)
Tole: Ketapel..
Ibu guru: OK, sekarang apakah yang huruf pertamanya M.. huruf terakhir K.. Luarnya lembek ditengah benda itu ada kacangnya?.. (pak kepsek makin melongo.. sambil melap keringat di jidatnya..)
Tole: Martabak..
Ibu guru: OK, berikut.. Kegiatan apakah yang biasa dilakukan anak remaja dikamar mandi dengan gerakan yang berulang-ulang. ., huruf pertama nya M, huruf terakhir I..? (pak kepsek makin salah tingkah denger pertanyaan bu guru)
Tole: Menggosok Gigi..
Ibu guru: Kegiatan apakah yang biasa dilakukan pria dan wanita yang lagi pacaran dimalam hari, huruf pertamanya N, huruf terakhir T.. (pak kepsek nyaris pingsan denger pertanyaan terakhir..)
Tole: Nonton Midnight..
Sebelum bu guru melanjutkan pertanyaan, pak kepsek memotong... ”ibu guru.. Tole masukin ke kelas 6 aja... saya aja sama yg lagi baca email ini dari tadi salah terus jawabnya.. Wakakakaw....
Peribahasa Yang Gagal
Kumpulan Peribahasa yang tidak diajarkan disekolah:
1.Bersatu kita teguh, bertiga kita threesome:D
2.Sepandai-pandai tupai melompat, akhirnya disate juga:'(
3.Karena sperma setitik, bengkak perut tetangga:p
4.Rajin Mangkal, Kaya(k) Ojek:b
5.Bersatu kita teguh, bercerai kita ikut "Take Me Out":$
(sebuah acara ajang pemilihan jodoh di TV)
6.Guru kencing jongkok, murid berlari ngintip. (versi guru perempuan);)
7. Sedikit demi sedikit lama lama BOSAN:(
8. Air susu dibalas dengan air kopi, jadi Starbucks deh({})
9. Berat sama dipikul, ringan sama dijinjing, sama-sama berat mending dipaketin aja Bos(y)
10. Ringan sama dipikul, berat minta dibawain#:-s
11. Ma’ lu bertanya, Mak gue yang jawabX_X
12. Nasir sudah menjadi tukang bubur:x
13. Maksud hati memeluk Nunung apa daya keburu digampar BadrunX_X =))
14. Dimana ada kemaluan, di situ ada kemauan:D
15. Dunia maya tak selebar monitor3-|
16. Dimana ada jalan, disitu banyak mobil:|
17. Setinggi-tingginya Bangau terbang, akhirnya jadi kecap juga:'(
(kecap merk "Bangau")
18. Buruk muka gak brani pasang profile;;)
19. Buah jatuh tak jauh dari dadanya:p
20. Malu bertanya, :$ sesat di jalan. Besar kemaluan, susah berjalan!!!
1.Bersatu kita teguh, bertiga kita threesome:D
2.Sepandai-pandai tupai melompat, akhirnya disate juga:'(
3.Karena sperma setitik, bengkak perut tetangga:p
4.Rajin Mangkal, Kaya(k) Ojek:b
5.Bersatu kita teguh, bercerai kita ikut "Take Me Out":$
(sebuah acara ajang pemilihan jodoh di TV)
6.Guru kencing jongkok, murid berlari ngintip. (versi guru perempuan);)
7. Sedikit demi sedikit lama lama BOSAN:(
8. Air susu dibalas dengan air kopi, jadi Starbucks deh({})
9. Berat sama dipikul, ringan sama dijinjing, sama-sama berat mending dipaketin aja Bos(y)
10. Ringan sama dipikul, berat minta dibawain#:-s
11. Ma’ lu bertanya, Mak gue yang jawabX_X
12. Nasir sudah menjadi tukang bubur:x
13. Maksud hati memeluk Nunung apa daya keburu digampar BadrunX_X =))
14. Dimana ada kemaluan, di situ ada kemauan:D
15. Dunia maya tak selebar monitor3-|
16. Dimana ada jalan, disitu banyak mobil:|
17. Setinggi-tingginya Bangau terbang, akhirnya jadi kecap juga:'(
(kecap merk "Bangau")
18. Buruk muka gak brani pasang profile;;)
19. Buah jatuh tak jauh dari dadanya:p
20. Malu bertanya, :$ sesat di jalan. Besar kemaluan, susah berjalan!!!
Orangtua Itu Memang Aneh
Orang tua itu memang aneh kata seorang anak muda bernama Amin.
kemarin ketemu di pesta pernikahan mereka semua menanyainya KAPAN NYUSUL ?.. Amin berang dengan pertanyaan itu karena selama ini dia kesulitan mencari pacar. Namun dia harus menjawab dengan SENYUM SENYUM dan senyum seyum.
Giliran Amin hadir dalam pelayatan bersama mereka para orang tua dan bertanya dengan pertanyaan yang sama KAPAN NYUSUL. ?
Maka bukannya dijawab dengan SENYUM SENYUM , tapi diumpat KURANG AJAaaaaR dengan mata melotot.
kemarin ketemu di pesta pernikahan mereka semua menanyainya KAPAN NYUSUL ?.. Amin berang dengan pertanyaan itu karena selama ini dia kesulitan mencari pacar. Namun dia harus menjawab dengan SENYUM SENYUM dan senyum seyum.
Giliran Amin hadir dalam pelayatan bersama mereka para orang tua dan bertanya dengan pertanyaan yang sama KAPAN NYUSUL. ?
Maka bukannya dijawab dengan SENYUM SENYUM , tapi diumpat KURANG AJAaaaaR dengan mata melotot.
Puisi Marga Batak
BBM naik,
membuat aku serba silalahi,
hidup tambah simanungkalit,
pandapatan manurung,
sehari dapat pasaribu saja sudah bagus
sihotang dimana-mana,
tak ada lagi harahap,
Rakyat miskin sudah pangaribuan,
tinggal dekat tambunan sampah
anak menangis marpaung-marpaung,
otak sudah sitompul,
keadaan makin ginting,
usaha panjaitan sudah bangkrut,
kepala pusing sibutar-butar,
rambut rontok nyaris poltak.
tapi kita harus sabar sitorus,
jangan putus harahap,
mintalah parlindungan
supaya bonar-bonar selamat,
..........buteeeeee t dah
membuat aku serba silalahi,
hidup tambah simanungkalit,
pandapatan manurung,
sehari dapat pasaribu saja sudah bagus
sihotang dimana-mana,
tak ada lagi harahap,
Rakyat miskin sudah pangaribuan,
tinggal dekat tambunan sampah
anak menangis marpaung-marpaung,
otak sudah sitompul,
keadaan makin ginting,
usaha panjaitan sudah bangkrut,
kepala pusing sibutar-butar,
rambut rontok nyaris poltak.
tapi kita harus sabar sitorus,
jangan putus harahap,
mintalah parlindungan
supaya bonar-bonar selamat,
..........buteeeeee t dah
Wanita Vs Pria
WANITA MEMANG SUSAH DIBUAT "BAHAGIA" !!
Jika dikatakan cantik dikira menggoda ,
jika dibilang jelek di sangka menghina..
Bila dibilang lemah dia protes,
bila dibilang perkasa dia nangis .
Maunya emansipasi, tapi disuruh benerin genteng, nolak
(sambil ngomel masa disamakan dengan cowok)
Maunya emansipasi, tapi disuruh berdiri di bis malah cemberut
(sambil ngomel, Egois amat sih cowok ini tidak punya perasaan)
Jika di tanyakan siapa yang paling di banggakan, kebanyakan bilang Ibunya ,
tapi kenapa ya ..... lebih bangga jadi wanita karir,
padahal ibunya adalah ibu rumah tangga
Bila kesalahannya diingatkankan, mukanya merah..
bila di ajari mukanya merah,
bila di sanjung mukanya merah
jika marah mukanya merah,kok sama semua ? bingung !!
Di tanya ya atau tidak, jawabnya diam;
ditanya tidak atau ya, jawabnya diam;
ditanya ya atau ya, jawabnya :diam,
ditanya tidak atau tidak, jawabnya ; diam,
ketika didiamkan malah marah
(repot kita disuruh jadi dukun yang bisa nebak jawabannya).
Di bilang ceriwis marah, dibilang berisik ngambek,
dibilang banyak mulut tersinggung,
tapi kalau dibilang S u p e l
wadow seneng banget...padahal sama saja maksudnya.
Dibilang gemuk engga senang,
padahal maksud kita sehat gitu lho.
dibilang kurus malah senang,
padahal maksud kita "kenapa elho jadi begini !!!"
Itulah WANITA makin kita bingung makin senang DIA !
Pria itu memang susah... :(
Jika kamu memperlakukannya dengan baik, dia pikir kamu jatuh cinta
padanya..... .... Jika tidak, kamu akan dibilang sombong.
Jika kamu berpakaian bagus, dia pikir kamu sedang mencoba untuk
menggodanya. Jika tidak, dia bilang kamu kampungan.
Jika kamu berdebat dengannya, dia bilang kamu keras kepala.
Jika kamu tetap diam, dia bilang kamu nggak punya otak.
Jika kamu lebih pintar dari pada dia, dia akan kehilangan muka..
Jika dia yang lebih pintar, dia bilang dia paling hebat.
Jika kamu tidak cinta padanya, dia akan mencoba mendapatkanmu.
Jika kamu mencintainya, dia akan mencoba untuk meninggalkanmu.
Jika kamu beritahu dia masalah mu, dia bilang kamu menyusahkan.
Jika tidak, dia bilang kamu tidak mempercayai mereka.
Jika kamu cerewet pada dia, kamu dibilang seperti seorang pengasuh
baginya.Tapi jika dia yang cerewet ke kamu, itu karena dia perhatian.
Jika kamu langgar janji kamu, kamu tidak bisa dipercaya.
Jika dia yang ingkari janjinya, dia melakukannya karena terpaksa.
Jika kamu merokok, kamu adalah cewek liar !
Tapi kalo dia yang merokok, dia adalah seorang gentleman, wuiihh..!
Jika kamu menyakitinya, kamu dibilang perempuan kejam..
Tapi jika dia yang menyakitimu, itu karena kamu terlalu sensitif dan
terlalu sulit untuk dibuat bahagia !!!!!
Jika kamu mengirimkan ini pada cowok-cowok, mereka pasti bersumpah kalau ini tidak benar. Tapi jika kamu tidak mengirimkan ini pada mereka, mereka akan bilang kamu egois.
Jadi...... kirimkan ini pada semua teman lelakimu diluar sana dan juga pada semua teman cewekmu untuk berbagi tawa bersama.. ;)
hwahwahwa...
Well.... it's true..!!!!
Jika dikatakan cantik dikira menggoda ,
jika dibilang jelek di sangka menghina..
Bila dibilang lemah dia protes,
bila dibilang perkasa dia nangis .
Maunya emansipasi, tapi disuruh benerin genteng, nolak
(sambil ngomel masa disamakan dengan cowok)
Maunya emansipasi, tapi disuruh berdiri di bis malah cemberut
(sambil ngomel, Egois amat sih cowok ini tidak punya perasaan)
Jika di tanyakan siapa yang paling di banggakan, kebanyakan bilang Ibunya ,
tapi kenapa ya ..... lebih bangga jadi wanita karir,
padahal ibunya adalah ibu rumah tangga
Bila kesalahannya diingatkankan, mukanya merah..
bila di ajari mukanya merah,
bila di sanjung mukanya merah
jika marah mukanya merah,kok sama semua ? bingung !!
Di tanya ya atau tidak, jawabnya diam;
ditanya tidak atau ya, jawabnya diam;
ditanya ya atau ya, jawabnya :diam,
ditanya tidak atau tidak, jawabnya ; diam,
ketika didiamkan malah marah
(repot kita disuruh jadi dukun yang bisa nebak jawabannya).
Di bilang ceriwis marah, dibilang berisik ngambek,
dibilang banyak mulut tersinggung,
tapi kalau dibilang S u p e l
wadow seneng banget...padahal sama saja maksudnya.
Dibilang gemuk engga senang,
padahal maksud kita sehat gitu lho.
dibilang kurus malah senang,
padahal maksud kita "kenapa elho jadi begini !!!"
Itulah WANITA makin kita bingung makin senang DIA !
Pria itu memang susah... :(
Jika kamu memperlakukannya dengan baik, dia pikir kamu jatuh cinta
padanya..... .... Jika tidak, kamu akan dibilang sombong.
Jika kamu berpakaian bagus, dia pikir kamu sedang mencoba untuk
menggodanya. Jika tidak, dia bilang kamu kampungan.
Jika kamu berdebat dengannya, dia bilang kamu keras kepala.
Jika kamu tetap diam, dia bilang kamu nggak punya otak.
Jika kamu lebih pintar dari pada dia, dia akan kehilangan muka..
Jika dia yang lebih pintar, dia bilang dia paling hebat.
Jika kamu tidak cinta padanya, dia akan mencoba mendapatkanmu.
Jika kamu mencintainya, dia akan mencoba untuk meninggalkanmu.
Jika kamu beritahu dia masalah mu, dia bilang kamu menyusahkan.
Jika tidak, dia bilang kamu tidak mempercayai mereka.
Jika kamu cerewet pada dia, kamu dibilang seperti seorang pengasuh
baginya.Tapi jika dia yang cerewet ke kamu, itu karena dia perhatian.
Jika kamu langgar janji kamu, kamu tidak bisa dipercaya.
Jika dia yang ingkari janjinya, dia melakukannya karena terpaksa.
Jika kamu merokok, kamu adalah cewek liar !
Tapi kalo dia yang merokok, dia adalah seorang gentleman, wuiihh..!
Jika kamu menyakitinya, kamu dibilang perempuan kejam..
Tapi jika dia yang menyakitimu, itu karena kamu terlalu sensitif dan
terlalu sulit untuk dibuat bahagia !!!!!
Jika kamu mengirimkan ini pada cowok-cowok, mereka pasti bersumpah kalau ini tidak benar. Tapi jika kamu tidak mengirimkan ini pada mereka, mereka akan bilang kamu egois.
Jadi...... kirimkan ini pada semua teman lelakimu diluar sana dan juga pada semua teman cewekmu untuk berbagi tawa bersama.. ;)
hwahwahwa...
Well.... it's true..!!!!
A TV Interview Which was Never Aired in Ireland
A TV INTERVIEW WHICH WAS NEVER AIRED IN IRELAND ....
You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter....
The interview was as follows: ...
The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.. Can you offer any reason for this disease ? "
The farmer stared at the reporter and said: ............... "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year ? "
Reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information…but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"
Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day ? "
Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point ? "
Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only having sex with you once a year, wouldn't you get mad ? "
The program was never aired…..
You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter....
The interview was as follows: ...
The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.. Can you offer any reason for this disease ? "
The farmer stared at the reporter and said: ............... "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year ? "
Reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information…but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"
Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day ? "
Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point ? "
Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only having sex with you once a year, wouldn't you get mad ? "
The program was never aired…..
Occupation
Hooker's Tax Return
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions.'
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks, 'What is your occupation?' The woman replies, 'I'm a whore.'
The accountant balks and says, 'No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that.'
The woman, 'OK, I'm a prostitute.'
'No, that is still too crude. Try again.'
They both think for a minute, then the woman states,
'I'm a chicken farmer.'
The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?'
'Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.'
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions.'
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks, 'What is your occupation?' The woman replies, 'I'm a whore.'
The accountant balks and says, 'No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that.'
The woman, 'OK, I'm a prostitute.'
'No, that is still too crude. Try again.'
They both think for a minute, then the woman states,
'I'm a chicken farmer.'
The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?'
'Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.'
Underwear Dust
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
He hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker,
It's not talcum powder, it's 'Miracle Grow!!!
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
He hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker,
It's not talcum powder, it's 'Miracle Grow!!!
Doggy style
A happily married man, one night, asked his wife to have sex "doggy style.
""No!" she said, aghast.
Throughout their long relationship, he would periodically ask her to have sex "doggy style."
She always emphatically said "No!"
Finally, on the man's deathbed, he asked his wife why she refused his simple request to have sex on her hands and knees." Hands and knees?"
she said, "I thought you meant in the front yard!"
""No!" she said, aghast.
Throughout their long relationship, he would periodically ask her to have sex "doggy style."
She always emphatically said "No!"
Finally, on the man's deathbed, he asked his wife why she refused his simple request to have sex on her hands and knees." Hands and knees?"
she said, "I thought you meant in the front yard!"
Like A Tiger
A man asks his doctor, "Can I have sex with my pregnant wife?"
The doctor replies, "Yes, the first 3 months will be just like normal,
the next three months do it like a doggy ,
and the last three months, follow the tiger way."
The man asks, "Tiger ??"
The doctor explains, " Yes, Tiger Woods has a safe method: sleep with other women!"
The doctor replies, "Yes, the first 3 months will be just like normal,
the next three months do it like a doggy ,
and the last three months, follow the tiger way."
The man asks, "Tiger ??"
The doctor explains, " Yes, Tiger Woods has a safe method: sleep with other women!"
Taruhan Si Nenek
Pada satu hari seorang Ibu Lansia muncul di sebuah Bank besar membawa satu koper dengan banyak uang yang dia mau setor. Tetapi dia hanya mau kalau langsung berhubungan dengan CEO dari Bank ini. Soalnya ini kan urusan jumlah uang yang banyak. Setelah diskussi simpang siur dengan staff dari Bank, .... achirnya persyaratan beliau dikabulkan.
Anyhow the Customer is the King / Queen.
Ketemu sama CEO dari Bank, si Ibu ditanya emang berapa uang yang dia bawa?
Jawabnya 10. Juta Dollar!
Hah . . . . . bagaimana Ibu bisa kumpulkan begitu banyak uang, tanya si CEO.
Ya saya suka pasang taruhan, jawabnya.
Ach mana bisa dari taruhan dapat begitu banyak uang, kata si CEO.
Benar, kata si Ibu, umpama bagaimana kalau menurut saya biji anda berupa Kubus. Berani taruhan $ 25.000,-?
Si CEO ketawa ter-bahak2. Si Oma tanya berani tidak.
CEO bilang sudah pasti anda yang kalah dan saya menang $ 25.000,-
Jadi berani taruhan? .... Ya pasti. .... OK, kata si Nenek, tetapi karena ini persoalan jumlah uang besar, besok saya akan datang bawa Notaris saya sebagai saksi.
..... Ya, silahkan.
Semalaman si CEO cari macam methoda untuk pastikan benar bahwa bijinya tidak berupa Kubus . Achirnya dia yakin betul bahwa bijinya bulat dan keesokan hari dia tunggu kedatangan si Nenek.
Jam 10h muncul si Nenek bawa Notarisnya.
Jadi Bapak yakin bahwa biji Bapak tidak berupa kubus? . . . tanya si Nenek lagi.
Ya pastilah, jawabnya.
Tetapi . . . . . karena ini adalah urusan yang menyangkut sejumlah uang besar jadi kita bertiga harus bersepakat dan pasti benar siapa dari kita yang benar. Berarti bagaimana kalau Bapak buka celana Bapak.
Si CEO, karena ini masalah jumlah uang besar, mulai membuka dan menurunkan celananya.
Nenek lagi: Karena ini masalah jumlah uang besar, saya harus yakin 100 % dan minta diperbolehkan pegang biji2 Bapak.
CEO: Ya OK, silahkan.
Mulailah si Nenek dengan seksama meraba raba biji si CEO.
Tiba2 CEO heran tanya, . . . . lho mengapa Notaris Ibu tahu tahu mengadu kepalanya dengan dinding ruangan????
Oooh . . . . , kata si Nenek . . . . . mungkin dia baru shock . . . . karena tadi pagi saya taruhan sama dia $ 100.000,- . . . . bahwa saya dengan mudah dapat merogoh bijinya seorang CEO Bank besar.
Anyhow the Customer is the King / Queen.
Ketemu sama CEO dari Bank, si Ibu ditanya emang berapa uang yang dia bawa?
Jawabnya 10. Juta Dollar!
Hah . . . . . bagaimana Ibu bisa kumpulkan begitu banyak uang, tanya si CEO.
Ya saya suka pasang taruhan, jawabnya.
Ach mana bisa dari taruhan dapat begitu banyak uang, kata si CEO.
Benar, kata si Ibu, umpama bagaimana kalau menurut saya biji anda berupa Kubus. Berani taruhan $ 25.000,-?
Si CEO ketawa ter-bahak2. Si Oma tanya berani tidak.
CEO bilang sudah pasti anda yang kalah dan saya menang $ 25.000,-
Jadi berani taruhan? .... Ya pasti. .... OK, kata si Nenek, tetapi karena ini persoalan jumlah uang besar, besok saya akan datang bawa Notaris saya sebagai saksi.
..... Ya, silahkan.
Semalaman si CEO cari macam methoda untuk pastikan benar bahwa bijinya tidak berupa Kubus . Achirnya dia yakin betul bahwa bijinya bulat dan keesokan hari dia tunggu kedatangan si Nenek.
Jam 10h muncul si Nenek bawa Notarisnya.
Jadi Bapak yakin bahwa biji Bapak tidak berupa kubus? . . . tanya si Nenek lagi.
Ya pastilah, jawabnya.
Tetapi . . . . . karena ini adalah urusan yang menyangkut sejumlah uang besar jadi kita bertiga harus bersepakat dan pasti benar siapa dari kita yang benar. Berarti bagaimana kalau Bapak buka celana Bapak.
Si CEO, karena ini masalah jumlah uang besar, mulai membuka dan menurunkan celananya.
Nenek lagi: Karena ini masalah jumlah uang besar, saya harus yakin 100 % dan minta diperbolehkan pegang biji2 Bapak.
CEO: Ya OK, silahkan.
Mulailah si Nenek dengan seksama meraba raba biji si CEO.
Tiba2 CEO heran tanya, . . . . lho mengapa Notaris Ibu tahu tahu mengadu kepalanya dengan dinding ruangan????
Oooh . . . . , kata si Nenek . . . . . mungkin dia baru shock . . . . karena tadi pagi saya taruhan sama dia $ 100.000,- . . . . bahwa saya dengan mudah dapat merogoh bijinya seorang CEO Bank besar.
Wife Vs Girlfriend
*A Wife is like a TV*
**A Girlfriend is like a MOBILE**
At home you watch TV, but when you go out you take your MOBILE
When you have no money, you sell the TV and when you have got money you change your MOBILE
Sometimes you enjoy TV, but most of the time you play with your MOBILE
TV is free for life, but for the MOBILE, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated
TV is big, bulky and most of the time old
But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable
Operational costs for the TV are often acceptable, but for the MOBILE it is often high and demanding
TV has a remote, MOBILE doesn't
MOBILE is a two-way communication (u talk and listen),but with the TV you MUST only listen (whether you want to or not)
Most Importantly:
TVs don't have viruses, but MOBILEs often do.
**A Girlfriend is like a MOBILE**
At home you watch TV, but when you go out you take your MOBILE
When you have no money, you sell the TV and when you have got money you change your MOBILE
Sometimes you enjoy TV, but most of the time you play with your MOBILE
TV is free for life, but for the MOBILE, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated
TV is big, bulky and most of the time old
But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable
Operational costs for the TV are often acceptable, but for the MOBILE it is often high and demanding
TV has a remote, MOBILE doesn't
MOBILE is a two-way communication (u talk and listen),but with the TV you MUST only listen (whether you want to or not)
Most Importantly:
TVs don't have viruses, but MOBILEs often do.
Ardath, Djarum & Minakjinggo
Sesaat setelah selesai makan siang di cafe salah satu gedung perkantoran, seorang wanita mengeluarkan ARDATH, dinyalakan dan dihisap.
Tak ketinggalan pria didepannya juga mengeluarkan DJARUM-nya kemudian dinyalakan dan dihisap dalam dalam.
Si pria memulai membuka pembicaraan basa-basi,
"Mbak kerja dimana?"
"Emm di lantai lima" jawab si wanita.
Sambung si pria "Oo kalau saya di lantai tujuh" dst dst dst hingga si pria mengetahui bahwa si wanita baru 4 bulan bercerai dengan suaminya.
"Koq mbak merokok sih?" tanya si pria kepada si wanita.
"Mas, ini rokok bukan sembarang rokok. Ini rokok punya arti."
Si pria bingung dibuatnya lantas memberanikan diri menanyakan kepada si wanita: "Punya arti bagaimana mbak?".
Sambil mendekatkan wajahnya si wanita berbicara lirih, "Sst sst sst ARDATH artinya Aku Rela Ditiduri Asal Tidak Hamil"
Si pria kembali bingung, tapi dalam hati "...wah ini yang gue cari..."
Kemudian si pria balik membisikan kepada si wanita, "Mbak kau tahu nggak rokokku khan DJARUM nah itu artinya: Demi Janda Aku Rela Untuk Mati" lantas keduanya senyum dan tertawa kecil.
si pria semakin berani berbicara "Mbak khan masih ada waktu yaa, gimana kalau kita keseberang situ?"
"keseberang mana mas?" ujar si wanita balik bertanya
"Em itu tuh hotel" kata si pria.
Karena si wanita mungkin sudah lama nganggur, langsung aja ho oh.
Tengah mereka bercinta si wanita berujar,
"Mas..mas, jangan sungkan-sungkan kalau mau MINAKJINGGO lho"
Lagi-lagi si pria bingung "MINAKJINGGO apaan sih?" tanya si pria.
Si wanita tertawa manja merangsang "MINAKJINGGO itu yaa MIring eNAK mau nJengkIng ya moNGGO mas" si wanita menjelaskan.
Bendera Irak
Kejadian ini di Baghdad, Irak. Seorang Kakek tua yg sudah mendekati ajalnya dirawat di RS. Seluruh keluarga besar berkumpul untuk mendampingi Kakek tercinta menghembuskan nafas terakhirnya. .Ditengah iringan bacaan doa dari keluarga, tiba-tiba si Kakek berbisik: 'Sebelum mati, aku ingin mencium bendera Iraq', Seketika seluruh anggota keluarga kebingungan, kemana harus mencari bendera Iraq di tengah malam buta seperti saat itu.Seluruh anggota keluarga yang sedang menunggui dikerahkan untuk mencari ke seluruh penjuru rumah sakit. Hasilnya: NIHIL, tidak ada satupun bendera Iraq ditemukan.Dalam kepanikan, tiba2 seorang perawat muda yang baru bekerja beberapa bulan berkata dengan ragu-ragu: 'Aku punya bendera Iraq'. Kontan saja semua merasa lega. 'Tapi.. bendera itu dalam bentuk tatoo.. di.. pantatku' lanjut si suster dengan malu-malu. Situasipun menjadi ricuh. Bagaimana ini??!! Kemudian, sekali lagi karena adalah permintaan terakhir si Kakek, seluruh keluarga meminta dengan sangat agar suster tersebut mau memperlihatkan tatoo-nya kepada si Kakek dan diciumnya.Semula si suster keberatan, mungkin karena malu. Setelah dipaksa dan dijanjikan 'hadiah', akhirnya si suster setuju. Di hadapan si Kakek, dengan perlahan-lahan dilepasnya celana dalamnya, kemudian diperlihatkan tatoo-nya kepada si Kakek.Dengan suka cita dan penuh khidmat si Kakek mencium tatoo bendera Iraq tersebut. Agak lama juga bibir si Kakek menempel di bendera Iraq, terlihat matanya agak berkaca-kaca karena terharu. Setelah beberapa saat, si Kakek melepaskan ciumannya, sambil tersenyum berkata:'Sekarang .. berbalik-lah ... aku juga ingin mencium kumis Sadam Hussein'........
Irish Priest
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me.. under your robe, perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you...I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, the woman let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date...unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me.. under your robe, perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you...I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, the woman let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date...unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
How to Make a woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy..
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13.. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13.. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
Driver's License
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
' Mommy ,'the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks.
'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
If you see someone without a smile today
Give them one of yours.
' Mommy ,'the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks.
'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
If you see someone without a smile today
Give them one of yours.
Sex Problems
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big dick or a good memory....I don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature' s way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature' s way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ..
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house..
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humour and who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ..
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house..
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humour and who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
Totally Married
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Consultants who Guessing Number of Sheep
A shepherd herding his sheep in a remote pasture when suddenly a new BMW sliding direction. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep are there in your herd, will you give me a tail?"
Shepherd looked at him and saw a flock of sheep pastures, and calmly replied, "Sure."
The young man parked his car, took out the IBM ThinkPad is connected to the phone, then he was surfing the NASA website and using satellite navigation systems, surveying the area, and then open the database and Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He sent an email via Blackberry and after a few minutes, get a response. Finally, he printed 130 page report on mini printer and then said to the shepherd, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right! Please take one sheep," said the shepherd.
The young man chose one animal and put into the car.
Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your job, whether you will give back my animal?"
"OK, why not" replied the young man.
"Obviously, you are a consultant," says the shepherd.
"That's right" said the young man, "but how can you know?"
"No need to guess," answered the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for an answer I already know, and you want to be paid to a question that I never ask. And you do not know anything about my business ... Now return my dog. "
Shepherd looked at him and saw a flock of sheep pastures, and calmly replied, "Sure."
The young man parked his car, took out the IBM ThinkPad is connected to the phone, then he was surfing the NASA website and using satellite navigation systems, surveying the area, and then open the database and Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He sent an email via Blackberry and after a few minutes, get a response. Finally, he printed 130 page report on mini printer and then said to the shepherd, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right! Please take one sheep," said the shepherd.
The young man chose one animal and put into the car.
Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your job, whether you will give back my animal?"
"OK, why not" replied the young man.
"Obviously, you are a consultant," says the shepherd.
"That's right" said the young man, "but how can you know?"
"No need to guess," answered the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for an answer I already know, and you want to be paid to a question that I never ask. And you do not know anything about my business ... Now return my dog. "
The toilet seat
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."
Man Never Listen
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN......
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN......
Loving Wife
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed
the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,
don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,
and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too.'
Inside, he finds a couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed
the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,
don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,
and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too.'
Sugar Bowl
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered,
'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.' About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.'
So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house;
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing
ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Anthony .
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria,
and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama
Moral: Never lie to your Mama . . . especially if she's Italian.
'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.' About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.'
So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house;
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing
ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Anthony .
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria,
and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama
Moral: Never lie to your Mama . . . especially if she's Italian.
Women are Smart but Man's weakness
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers : Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife .
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers : Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife .
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Didn't Recognize
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years.
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied:
"I didn't recognize you!"
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years.
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied:
"I didn't recognize you!"
Scotland's Lawyer
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a well dressed, rather dignified and good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied. "Sir, I must inform you that Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. So if you prefer, I can recommend someone else.", said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie." he replied.
After a while, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that her fee was £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they proceeded upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that even for two nights in a row, she does not give discounts. The price was still £5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone in the house was shocked that he came a third time and paid the same fee.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh "
"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
"I know.", the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
"May I help you sir?" she asked.. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied. "Sir, I must inform you that Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. So if you prefer, I can recommend someone else.", said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie." he replied.
After a while, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that her fee was £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they proceeded upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that even for two nights in a row, she does not give discounts. The price was still £5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone in the house was shocked that he came a third time and paid the same fee.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh "
"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
"I know.", the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
Ultimate True Test:
Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
Ultimate True Test:
Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.
What's so tough about being 80
Three golfers are walking down the fairway.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all." "
Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight.
You pee every morning at 6:00 am and poop every morning at 6:30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until seven."
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all." "
Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight.
You pee every morning at 6:00 am and poop every morning at 6:30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until seven."
Logic Konsultan
Ceritera sehari-hari Dedot:
Suatu hari Dedot makan di warteg.
D: "Makan maaaas.."
Mas warteg: (sambil ngelayanin) "Rapi bgt pak, pasti bapa gajinya gede."
D: "Yaaa.. lumayan lah."
Mas warteg: "Emang kerjanya apaan pak?"
D: "Saya logic konsultan."
Mas warteg: "Apaan tuh? Kerjanya ngapain pak?"
D: "Saya mengatasi masalah dgn logika."
Mas warteg: "Ga ngerti saya pak."
D: "Hhmmm gimana yaaa.., susah ngejelasinnya. Ya udah saya ksh contoh. Anggap aja saya konsultan kamu. Mas punya sangkar burung?"
Mas warteg: "Punya pak."
D: "Kalo punya sangkar burung, logikanya mas pelihara burung?"
Mas warteg: "Iya pak."
D: "Kalo pelihara burung, logikanya mas sayang binatang?"
Mas warteg: "Iya pak, saya sayang binatang."
D: "Kalo sama binatang aja sayang, logikanya mas juga pasti sayang sama anak?"
Mas wateg: "Iya pak, saya sayang banget sama anak saya."
D: "Kalo punya anak, logikanya mas punya istri?"
Mas warteg: "Iya pasti duooong..."
D: "Kalo punya istri ama anak, logikanya mas tidak IMPOTEN….!!!"
Mas warteg: "Ya eyyalaahhh."
D: "Nah.... kurang lebih kerja saya kaya begitu..."
Mas warteg: "Ooooohh...."
Sehabis Dedot pergi, teman mas warteg bertanya, "Ngobrol apa sih lo.., kayanya seru banget?"
Mas warteg: "Gua mo brenti kerja disini, gw mo jadi logic konsultan aza."
Temennya: "Apaan tuh?"
Mas warteg: "Hmmm gimana ya, susah ngejelasinnya. Ya udah, gue ksh contoh. Anggap aje gue konsultan lo. Elo punya sangkar burung ga?"
Temennya: "Nggga lahhh…!!!"
Mas warteg: "Ya udah... Berarti elo IMPOTEN, tao….!!!"
Suatu hari Dedot makan di warteg.
D: "Makan maaaas.."
Mas warteg: (sambil ngelayanin) "Rapi bgt pak, pasti bapa gajinya gede."
D: "Yaaa.. lumayan lah."
Mas warteg: "Emang kerjanya apaan pak?"
D: "Saya logic konsultan."
Mas warteg: "Apaan tuh? Kerjanya ngapain pak?"
D: "Saya mengatasi masalah dgn logika."
Mas warteg: "Ga ngerti saya pak."
D: "Hhmmm gimana yaaa.., susah ngejelasinnya. Ya udah saya ksh contoh. Anggap aja saya konsultan kamu. Mas punya sangkar burung?"
Mas warteg: "Punya pak."
D: "Kalo punya sangkar burung, logikanya mas pelihara burung?"
Mas warteg: "Iya pak."
D: "Kalo pelihara burung, logikanya mas sayang binatang?"
Mas warteg: "Iya pak, saya sayang binatang."
D: "Kalo sama binatang aja sayang, logikanya mas juga pasti sayang sama anak?"
Mas wateg: "Iya pak, saya sayang banget sama anak saya."
D: "Kalo punya anak, logikanya mas punya istri?"
Mas warteg: "Iya pasti duooong..."
D: "Kalo punya istri ama anak, logikanya mas tidak IMPOTEN….!!!"
Mas warteg: "Ya eyyalaahhh."
D: "Nah.... kurang lebih kerja saya kaya begitu..."
Mas warteg: "Ooooohh...."
Sehabis Dedot pergi, teman mas warteg bertanya, "Ngobrol apa sih lo.., kayanya seru banget?"
Mas warteg: "Gua mo brenti kerja disini, gw mo jadi logic konsultan aza."
Temennya: "Apaan tuh?"
Mas warteg: "Hmmm gimana ya, susah ngejelasinnya. Ya udah, gue ksh contoh. Anggap aje gue konsultan lo. Elo punya sangkar burung ga?"
Temennya: "Nggga lahhh…!!!"
Mas warteg: "Ya udah... Berarti elo IMPOTEN, tao….!!!"
Just Because
(1) DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Because my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone.
A part of me is getting hard already!
(2) NAMES OF WIVES
A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife.....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !
(3) HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME
This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress while thinking a name of his country and his mistress ask him
"In Dear?"...
(4) RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!
(5) ARAB MAN
An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"
(6) SERVICE
Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service"
(7) HAPPY MAN
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy and...
Wife on the cover of "missing persons"
(8) SWIMSUIT
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.
(9) GOOD AMBITION
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.
(10) DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly. "
(11) VIRGIN
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "
(12) OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything and he had forgotten everything.
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Because my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone.
A part of me is getting hard already!
(2) NAMES OF WIVES
A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife.....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !
(3) HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME
This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress while thinking a name of his country and his mistress ask him
"In Dear?"...
(4) RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!
(5) ARAB MAN
An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"
(6) SERVICE
Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service"
(7) HAPPY MAN
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy and...
Wife on the cover of "missing persons"
(8) SWIMSUIT
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.
(9) GOOD AMBITION
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.
(10) DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly. "
(11) VIRGIN
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "
(12) OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything and he had forgotten everything.
Blowjob
A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best blowjob I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best blowjob I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
Surgeons
Four surgeons were on a lunch break talking about their work.
The first surgeon said, "I think accountants are d easiest to operate on. U open them up n everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon said, "I think librarians are d easiest to operate on. U open them up n everything inside is an alphabetical order."
The third surgeon said, "I like to operate electricians. U open them up n everything is color-coded."
The fourth surgeon said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're spineless, gutless n their heart isn't there."
The first surgeon said, "I think accountants are d easiest to operate on. U open them up n everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon said, "I think librarians are d easiest to operate on. U open them up n everything inside is an alphabetical order."
The third surgeon said, "I like to operate electricians. U open them up n everything is color-coded."
The fourth surgeon said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're spineless, gutless n their heart isn't there."
Politics
Little Johnny was watching T.V. and he heard people talking about politics. So he asked his dad "what are politics?”
The dad says, "Johnny, let me tell you what politics are in my own words. Since I am the breadwinner of the family I am the capital. Since mommy deals with all the bills and taxes she is the government. Nanny is the working class since she takes care of you, you are the people and Danny (little brother) is the future."
Then Johnny goes off and that night he hears Danny crying. So he goes in the room and notices that he pooped in his pants. Then he goes to his mom's room and she is ignoring him and telling him to go back to bed. So then he goes to the nanny’s room and finds his dad screwing her, so he leaves them alone and just forgets about Danny's poop in his pants.
The next morning Johnny tells his dad what politics are in his own words. "Daddy, Daddy, I understand completely what politics are now. When the government is ignoring the people, the Capital is screwing the working class and the future is in deep shit".
The dad says, "Johnny, let me tell you what politics are in my own words. Since I am the breadwinner of the family I am the capital. Since mommy deals with all the bills and taxes she is the government. Nanny is the working class since she takes care of you, you are the people and Danny (little brother) is the future."
Then Johnny goes off and that night he hears Danny crying. So he goes in the room and notices that he pooped in his pants. Then he goes to his mom's room and she is ignoring him and telling him to go back to bed. So then he goes to the nanny’s room and finds his dad screwing her, so he leaves them alone and just forgets about Danny's poop in his pants.
The next morning Johnny tells his dad what politics are in his own words. "Daddy, Daddy, I understand completely what politics are now. When the government is ignoring the people, the Capital is screwing the working class and the future is in deep shit".
Kisah di RSJ
Seorang dokter di RSJ melihat pasiennya yang sedang membuat kopi dan memasukkan sebutir obat ke dalamnya.
Dengan penasaran dokter bertanya kepada si pasien: "obat apa yang kau masukan ke kopimu?"
Pasien: "paracetamol obat penurun panas, Dok. biar kopinya cepet dingin"
Besoknya dokter melihat si pasien gosok2 'burung'nya dengan Antimo.
Kembali dokter bertanya: "kenapa kok kamu gosok2 dengan obat antimo??"
Jawab pasien itu: "biar ga cepet muntah Dok.."
Dokter: ...??
Dengan penasaran dokter bertanya kepada si pasien: "obat apa yang kau masukan ke kopimu?"
Pasien: "paracetamol obat penurun panas, Dok. biar kopinya cepet dingin"
Besoknya dokter melihat si pasien gosok2 'burung'nya dengan Antimo.
Kembali dokter bertanya: "kenapa kok kamu gosok2 dengan obat antimo??"
Jawab pasien itu: "biar ga cepet muntah Dok.."
Dokter: ...??
Leonardo Di Caprio Papua
Ada org Papua mengaku namanya Leonardo Di Caprio.
Suatu hari dia meninggal dan sewaktu di akhirat ditanya oleh Malaikat.
Malaikat : Sapa ngana pe nama toh?
Org. Papua : Leonardo Di Caprio
Malaikat : Masa leh ngana pe nama nama betul itu? Tunggu ya saya mau talepon dulu pigi cek
Malaikat lgs ambe dia punya blackberry. Org. Papua bingung, Bapa Malaikat mo talepon ka sapa ...
Malaikat : Hallo..hallo boleh kita org tanya?
Titanic itu tenggelam apa tabakar?? Napa Leonardo Di Caprio so angus bagini??
Suatu hari dia meninggal dan sewaktu di akhirat ditanya oleh Malaikat.
Malaikat : Sapa ngana pe nama toh?
Org. Papua : Leonardo Di Caprio
Malaikat : Masa leh ngana pe nama nama betul itu? Tunggu ya saya mau talepon dulu pigi cek
Malaikat lgs ambe dia punya blackberry. Org. Papua bingung, Bapa Malaikat mo talepon ka sapa ...
Malaikat : Hallo..hallo boleh kita org tanya?
Titanic itu tenggelam apa tabakar?? Napa Leonardo Di Caprio so angus bagini??
Kata Kata Buah yang Bijak
1. Jadilah Jagung, Jangan Jambu Monyet.
Jagung membungkus bijinya yg banyak, tapi jambu monyet memamerkan bijinya yang cuma satu2nya.
Artinya : Jangan suka pamer
2. Jadilah Pohon Pisang.
Pohon pisang kalau berbuah hanya sekali, lalu mati.
Artinya : Kesetiaan dalam pernikahan.
3. Jadilah Duren, Jangan Kedondong.
Walaupun luarnya penuh kulit yg tajam, tapi dalamnya lembut dan manis. Beda dgn kedondong, luarnya mulus, rasanya agak asem, didalamnya bijinya berduri.
Artinya : Jangan menilai seseorang dari luarnya saja.
4. Jadilah Bengkoang.
Walaupun hidup dalam kompos sampah, tapi umbinya, isinya tetap putih bersih.
Artinya : Jagalah hati, punya prinsip, jgn terpengaruh lingkungan yg hitam.
BONUS :
5. Jadilah Buah dada.
Selain bermanfaat buat anak, buat bapaknya juga.
6. Jangan Jadi Buah Zakar.
Sudah jelek, sensitip lagi, disentil bisa keluar air mata
Jagung membungkus bijinya yg banyak, tapi jambu monyet memamerkan bijinya yang cuma satu2nya.
Artinya : Jangan suka pamer
2. Jadilah Pohon Pisang.
Pohon pisang kalau berbuah hanya sekali, lalu mati.
Artinya : Kesetiaan dalam pernikahan.
3. Jadilah Duren, Jangan Kedondong.
Walaupun luarnya penuh kulit yg tajam, tapi dalamnya lembut dan manis. Beda dgn kedondong, luarnya mulus, rasanya agak asem, didalamnya bijinya berduri.
Artinya : Jangan menilai seseorang dari luarnya saja.
4. Jadilah Bengkoang.
Walaupun hidup dalam kompos sampah, tapi umbinya, isinya tetap putih bersih.
Artinya : Jagalah hati, punya prinsip, jgn terpengaruh lingkungan yg hitam.
BONUS :
5. Jadilah Buah dada.
Selain bermanfaat buat anak, buat bapaknya juga.
6. Jangan Jadi Buah Zakar.
Sudah jelek, sensitip lagi, disentil bisa keluar air mata
For My Dog
Seorang yang agak pelit minta pelayan restoran membungkus sisa makanan yang untuk dibawa pulang.
"It is for my dog" alasannya karena malu untuk bilang buat dirinya sendiri ntar di rumah.
Sewaktu pulang, pelayan restoran bilang : "Pak, saya tambahi sisa makanan dari tamu2 lainnya buat anjing Bapak".
"It is for my dog" alasannya karena malu untuk bilang buat dirinya sendiri ntar di rumah.
Sewaktu pulang, pelayan restoran bilang : "Pak, saya tambahi sisa makanan dari tamu2 lainnya buat anjing Bapak".
Penghematan Total
Orang Indonesia , kalau suruh menghemat uang paling susah. Tapi kalau suruh hemat penyebutan, mungkin paling kreatif.
Ngga percaya?? Nih buktinya.... ..;-)
Solo Berseri, Jogja Berhati Nyaman, Temanggung Bersenyum, Cilacap Bercahaya, semuanya adalah singkatan. Juga untuk menyebut suatu kawasan, yang katanya akan menjadi suatu kawasan yang unggul dan berkembang.
Bermula dari Jabotabek (Jakarta Bogor Tangerang Bekasi) eh sekarang Jabodetabek. (Jakarta Bogor Depok Tangerang Bekasi) Muncul pula Gerbangkertosusila (Gresik, Bangkalan, Mojokerto, Surabaya , Sidoarjo, Lamongan), Barlingmascakeb (Banjarnegara, Purbalingga, Banyumas, Cilacap, Kebumen), Pawonsari Bakulrejo (Pacitan Wonogiri Wonosari, Bantul, Kulon Progo,Purworejo) , atau Joglosemar (Jogja Solo Semarang).
Beruntung tidak ada yang membalik urutannya menjadi Semarang Solo Yogya, disingkat menjadi Semar Loyo. Mungkin di masa mendatang akan muncul juga Dibalang Sendal (Purwodadi, Batang, Pemalang, Semarang, Kendal), atau Kasur Bosok (Karanganyar, Sukoharjo, Boyolali, Solo, Klaten). Asal jangan Susu Mbokde ( Surakarta , Sukoharjo, Mboyolali, Kartasura, Delanggu) atau Tanteku Montok (Panjatan, Tegalan, Kulwaru, Temon, Toyan, Kokap)
Anak-anak muda Jogja tidak kalah kreatifnya untuk ikut-ikutan menyingkat nama tempat. Sebut saja Amplas untuk Ambarukmo Plaza , atau Jakal (Jalan Kaliurang), Jamal (Jalan Magelang). Kalau sampeyan sekolah di SMA 6, bisa nyombong kalau sampeyan sekolah di Depazter alias Depan Pasar Terban.
Bahkan, dari pusat kota Jogja, sangat mudah untuk mencapai Paris (Parangtritis), atau Pakistan (Pasar Kidul Stasiun alias Sarkem), bahkan Banglades (Bangjo Lapangan Denggung Sleman). ojo lali Jerman:
Jejere Kauman
Sampeyan seorang yang enthengan, ringan tangan, suka membantu, ndak pernah menolak untuk dimintai tolong? Berarti sampeyan layak menyandang nama Willem Ortano, alias Dijawil Gelem Ora Tau Nolak. Atau kalau sampeyan pinter omong, jualan obat, meyakinkan orang dengan omongan sampeyan yang nggak karuan bener salahnya, maka jangan marah kalau sampeyan dipanggil sebagai Toni Boster, alias Waton Muni Ndobose Banter.
Slamet nggedobos... .
Ngga percaya?? Nih buktinya.... ..;-)
Solo Berseri, Jogja Berhati Nyaman, Temanggung Bersenyum, Cilacap Bercahaya, semuanya adalah singkatan. Juga untuk menyebut suatu kawasan, yang katanya akan menjadi suatu kawasan yang unggul dan berkembang.
Bermula dari Jabotabek (Jakarta Bogor Tangerang Bekasi) eh sekarang Jabodetabek. (Jakarta Bogor Depok Tangerang Bekasi) Muncul pula Gerbangkertosusila (Gresik, Bangkalan, Mojokerto, Surabaya , Sidoarjo, Lamongan), Barlingmascakeb (Banjarnegara, Purbalingga, Banyumas, Cilacap, Kebumen), Pawonsari Bakulrejo (Pacitan Wonogiri Wonosari, Bantul, Kulon Progo,Purworejo) , atau Joglosemar (Jogja Solo Semarang).
Beruntung tidak ada yang membalik urutannya menjadi Semarang Solo Yogya, disingkat menjadi Semar Loyo. Mungkin di masa mendatang akan muncul juga Dibalang Sendal (Purwodadi, Batang, Pemalang, Semarang, Kendal), atau Kasur Bosok (Karanganyar, Sukoharjo, Boyolali, Solo, Klaten). Asal jangan Susu Mbokde ( Surakarta , Sukoharjo, Mboyolali, Kartasura, Delanggu) atau Tanteku Montok (Panjatan, Tegalan, Kulwaru, Temon, Toyan, Kokap)
Anak-anak muda Jogja tidak kalah kreatifnya untuk ikut-ikutan menyingkat nama tempat. Sebut saja Amplas untuk Ambarukmo Plaza , atau Jakal (Jalan Kaliurang), Jamal (Jalan Magelang). Kalau sampeyan sekolah di SMA 6, bisa nyombong kalau sampeyan sekolah di Depazter alias Depan Pasar Terban.
Bahkan, dari pusat kota Jogja, sangat mudah untuk mencapai Paris (Parangtritis), atau Pakistan (Pasar Kidul Stasiun alias Sarkem), bahkan Banglades (Bangjo Lapangan Denggung Sleman). ojo lali Jerman:
Jejere Kauman
Sampeyan seorang yang enthengan, ringan tangan, suka membantu, ndak pernah menolak untuk dimintai tolong? Berarti sampeyan layak menyandang nama Willem Ortano, alias Dijawil Gelem Ora Tau Nolak. Atau kalau sampeyan pinter omong, jualan obat, meyakinkan orang dengan omongan sampeyan yang nggak karuan bener salahnya, maka jangan marah kalau sampeyan dipanggil sebagai Toni Boster, alias Waton Muni Ndobose Banter.
Slamet nggedobos... .
Kencing
Orang arab kencing keluar minyak.
Orang belanda kencing, keluar keju.
Orang Indonesia bingung, akhirnya dia buka celana sambil nungging, kemudian teriak, "SALAK BALI!!"
Orang belanda kencing, keluar keju.
Orang Indonesia bingung, akhirnya dia buka celana sambil nungging, kemudian teriak, "SALAK BALI!!"
Cowok - Cewek Q&A
Q : Apa persamaan cowok sama tikus??
A : Sama-sama cari lubang.
Q : Apa persamaan cewek sama monyet??
A : Sama-sama kegirangan dapat pisang.
Q : Apa bedanya kecoa sama cewek??
A : Klo kecoa, disemprot dulu baru telentang. Sedangkan cewek, telentang dulu baru disemprot.
A : Sama-sama cari lubang.
Q : Apa persamaan cewek sama monyet??
A : Sama-sama kegirangan dapat pisang.
Q : Apa bedanya kecoa sama cewek??
A : Klo kecoa, disemprot dulu baru telentang. Sedangkan cewek, telentang dulu baru disemprot.
Diet
Don't do this at home. Artinya : buat anak-anak, jangan menjawab seperti di bawah ini ketika kamu diberikan pertanyaan seperti dibawah ini oleh bu guru atau tante atau siapapun.
Tante : Annie, apa yang akan kau lakukan jika nanti kau sudah besar seperti mamamu?
Annie : Diet.
Tante : Annie, apa yang akan kau lakukan jika nanti kau sudah besar seperti mamamu?
Annie : Diet.
Chinese, Indian and Malaysian
American Spaceman is called Astronaut
Russian Spaceman is called Cosmonaut
Chinese Spaceman is called Taikonaut
Malaysian Spaceman??? - Can-or-naut
Dr. M (The Prime Minister) was thinking about sending somebody into space.
Three potential can-or-nauts were called for an interview.
An Indian, a Malay and a Chinese.
Dr. M interviews the Indian first: "So, Muthu, this is a dangerous mission..
How much do you think you should be paid?"
Muthu replied: "One million ringgit."
"Why so much?" asks Dr. M.
"Very dangerous mission, Datuk. Maybe no come back!" replied Muthu.
"That's understandable," says Dr. M.
"Thank you..
Please ask the Malay guy to come here,"
So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question.
"Alamak!...2 million, Datuk," replied the Malay candidate.
"Two million? That's twice as much!
Even the aneh before you asked for only one million."
"You see, Datuk," explains the Malay,
"I have 4 wives and 15 children.
With 20 of us, it is a big family to support when I am gone...!"
"I see," says Dr. M.
"Okay, can you ask that Chinese guy to come in then?"
The Chinese guy comes in and Dr. M asks, "Ah Chong, given this is a very risky mission, how much do you want?"
Ah Chong thinks for a while, and says, "3 million."
Mahathir appears shocked. "What! 3 million? Why so much?"
Ah Chong beckons Dr. M to come closer.
He quietly whispers into his ear,
"Datuk, one million you keep, one million
I keep, and then one more million to send that aneh into space lah!"
One malaysia !
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
An Indian, a Chinese and a Malay were in a terrible car accident.
They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all of them died.
Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the Chinese, he stirred and opened his eyes.
Astonished, the doctors and nurses present, asked him what happened.
"Well," said the Chinese, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Indian and the Malay and I were standing at the gates of heaven.
An Angel approached us and said that we were too young to die, and that for a donation of RM 500, we could return to earth.
So, of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the RM500.00 and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors. "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them" replied the Chinese, "the Indian was bargaining over the price, and the Malay was waiting for the government to pay for his."
Russian Spaceman is called Cosmonaut
Chinese Spaceman is called Taikonaut
Malaysian Spaceman??? - Can-or-naut
Dr. M (The Prime Minister) was thinking about sending somebody into space.
Three potential can-or-nauts were called for an interview.
An Indian, a Malay and a Chinese.
Dr. M interviews the Indian first: "So, Muthu, this is a dangerous mission..
How much do you think you should be paid?"
Muthu replied: "One million ringgit."
"Why so much?" asks Dr. M.
"Very dangerous mission, Datuk. Maybe no come back!" replied Muthu.
"That's understandable," says Dr. M.
"Thank you..
Please ask the Malay guy to come here,"
So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question.
"Alamak!...2 million, Datuk," replied the Malay candidate.
"Two million? That's twice as much!
Even the aneh before you asked for only one million."
"You see, Datuk," explains the Malay,
"I have 4 wives and 15 children.
With 20 of us, it is a big family to support when I am gone...!"
"I see," says Dr. M.
"Okay, can you ask that Chinese guy to come in then?"
The Chinese guy comes in and Dr. M asks, "Ah Chong, given this is a very risky mission, how much do you want?"
Ah Chong thinks for a while, and says, "3 million."
Mahathir appears shocked. "What! 3 million? Why so much?"
Ah Chong beckons Dr. M to come closer.
He quietly whispers into his ear,
"Datuk, one million you keep, one million
I keep, and then one more million to send that aneh into space lah!"
One malaysia !
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
An Indian, a Chinese and a Malay were in a terrible car accident.
They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all of them died.
Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the Chinese, he stirred and opened his eyes.
Astonished, the doctors and nurses present, asked him what happened.
"Well," said the Chinese, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Indian and the Malay and I were standing at the gates of heaven.
An Angel approached us and said that we were too young to die, and that for a donation of RM 500, we could return to earth.
So, of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the RM500.00 and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors. "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them" replied the Chinese, "the Indian was bargaining over the price, and the Malay was waiting for the government to pay for his."
Adult Joke
(1) To make it straight, she pulls it..
To make it stand, she rubs it.
To make it stiff, she licks it.
To put it in, she pushes it.
It's hell of a job threading a needle!
(2) A guy donated blood to his girlfriend. When they broke up, he wanted his blood back.
The girl threw a bloody kotex at him and said, I'll pay you in monthly installment.'
(3) Girl in cinema turns sideways and whispers to her boyfriend.
'The man next to me is masturbating!'
Bf: 'Ignore him.'
Gf: 'I can't.'
Bf: 'Why not?'
Gf: 'He is using my hand!'
(4) The Bio teacher draws a huge PENIS on the board and asks 'Does anybody know what this is?
Dirty Harry says 'Oh, it's a penis and you know my dad's got 2 of them?'
The teacher says '2 of them?'
Harry says 'ya! the little one he uses to pee, and the big one to brush mum's teeth.'
(5) 4 miracles of a woman
Getting wet without taking a shower
Bleeding without getting hurt
Giving milk without eating grass
Making boneless meat hard.
(6) What is the smallest hotel in the world?
The answer is 'Vagina Inn'
It accommodates only 1 standing occupant with his 2 baggage left outside.
(7) Unborn twins saw a penis approaching.
1st: Papa coming, papa coming.
2nd: U fool, it's uncle laa! Papa never comes with raincoat!
(8) A hubby said to his wife, 'I will take a photo of your breast and frame it..'
The wife said to husband, 'I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it.'
(9) At 15, a girl is a SURPRISE.
At 25, she is the RIGHT PRICE.
At 35, a GRAND PRIZE.
At 45, a CONSOLATION PRIZE.
At 55, she is a DOOR PRIZE, and
at 65, a GIVEAWAY PRIZE.
(10) What did Snow White complain about after having sex with the 7 dwarfs?
Snow White said, 'I would rather have 7 inches at 1 time. Not 1 inch 7 times.'
(11) The vagina is the world's best rehabilitation/correction center.
Even the most violent and aggresive penis comes out humbled, head bowed and reduced in size.
(12) A loving husband had 'I Love You' tattooed on his dick.
When he got home, he showed it to his wife.
She said, 'There u go again, trying to put words in my mouth.'
(13) Lady was trying on a dress.
Husband: 'Your bum is as big as a BBQ pit!'
Later in bed, husband said, 'Want to do it?'
Wife: 'It's a waste lighting up a BBQ pit for a small sausage.'
To make it stand, she rubs it.
To make it stiff, she licks it.
To put it in, she pushes it.
It's hell of a job threading a needle!
(2) A guy donated blood to his girlfriend. When they broke up, he wanted his blood back.
The girl threw a bloody kotex at him and said, I'll pay you in monthly installment.'
(3) Girl in cinema turns sideways and whispers to her boyfriend.
'The man next to me is masturbating!'
Bf: 'Ignore him.'
Gf: 'I can't.'
Bf: 'Why not?'
Gf: 'He is using my hand!'
(4) The Bio teacher draws a huge PENIS on the board and asks 'Does anybody know what this is?
Dirty Harry says 'Oh, it's a penis and you know my dad's got 2 of them?'
The teacher says '2 of them?'
Harry says 'ya! the little one he uses to pee, and the big one to brush mum's teeth.'
(5) 4 miracles of a woman
Getting wet without taking a shower
Bleeding without getting hurt
Giving milk without eating grass
Making boneless meat hard.
(6) What is the smallest hotel in the world?
The answer is 'Vagina Inn'
It accommodates only 1 standing occupant with his 2 baggage left outside.
(7) Unborn twins saw a penis approaching.
1st: Papa coming, papa coming.
2nd: U fool, it's uncle laa! Papa never comes with raincoat!
(8) A hubby said to his wife, 'I will take a photo of your breast and frame it..'
The wife said to husband, 'I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it.'
(9) At 15, a girl is a SURPRISE.
At 25, she is the RIGHT PRICE.
At 35, a GRAND PRIZE.
At 45, a CONSOLATION PRIZE.
At 55, she is a DOOR PRIZE, and
at 65, a GIVEAWAY PRIZE.
(10) What did Snow White complain about after having sex with the 7 dwarfs?
Snow White said, 'I would rather have 7 inches at 1 time. Not 1 inch 7 times.'
(11) The vagina is the world's best rehabilitation/correction center.
Even the most violent and aggresive penis comes out humbled, head bowed and reduced in size.
(12) A loving husband had 'I Love You' tattooed on his dick.
When he got home, he showed it to his wife.
She said, 'There u go again, trying to put words in my mouth.'
(13) Lady was trying on a dress.
Husband: 'Your bum is as big as a BBQ pit!'
Later in bed, husband said, 'Want to do it?'
Wife: 'It's a waste lighting up a BBQ pit for a small sausage.'
Holy Humor
It doesn't hurt to have a little Biblical humor to start the day
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah .He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile
and drew out a Little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably
a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David... He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
PS.. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . 'He-brews'
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah .He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile
and drew out a Little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably
a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David... He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
PS.. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . 'He-brews'
Hukum & Fakta Sex
Hidup tanpa sahabat itu seperti payudara tanpa puting.. Pointless.
Apa kata penis kepada Condom..?
"Cover me..Cover me..I'm going In.."
Hukum Sex :
Boys say it's Great, Boys says it's fine.. 9months later boys say "it's not mine"..
Diantara paha pria adalah setan, diantara paha wanita adalah neraka.. Kuncilah setan didalam neraka, maka engkau akan merasakan surga..
Persamaan kursus bahasa inggris dan sex utk pemula sama2 ada sesi oral test..
" When an Apple is Green, its ready to pluck, when the girl is eighteen its ready to Fvck.."
Wanita suka sekali mengobrol, karena mrk pny mulut tambahan..
Pria suka sekali berpikir karena mrk punya kepala tambahan..
Secara mengejutkan seorang wanita melahirkan anak kembar 3.. Lalu dia pun lgsg menampar suaminya & berkata " Sudah kubilang jgn lakukan doggie style !!!
Saranku, nikahilah wanita yang mempunyai tangan kecil, karena itu akan membuat penis mu kelihatan sedikit besar..!!!
Fakta
Sudah lama diketahui bahwa seks merupakan salah satu kegiatan yang
cukup banyak membakar kalori. Tapi baru belakangan ini dilakukan penelitian ilmiah yang serius untuk mengetahui secara pasti tingkat pembakaran kalori dari berbagai aktivitas seksual.
Berikut ini adalah hasil penelitian tersebut, seperti termuat dalam "Journal of Sex Offerer and Offender"
MENANGGALKAN PAKAIANNYA
Dengan persetujuannya ...... 12 kalori
Tanpa persetujuannya ...... 187 kalori
MELEPAS BRA NYA
Dengan kedua tangan ...... 8 kalori
Dengan satu tangan ...... 12 kalori
Dengan gigi Anda ...... 85 kalori X_X
MENGENAKAN KONDOM
Sedang ereksi ...... 6 kalori
Tidak sedang ereksi ...... 315 kalori
(semakin stress semakin byk kalori X_X)
PEMANASAN
Mencoba mencari klitoris...... 8 kalori
Mencoba mencari G-Spot ...... 92 kalori
POSISI
Konvensional (atas-bawah)...... 12 kalori
Posisi 69 (berbaring) ...... 78 kalori
Posisi 69 (berdiri) ...... 112 kalori
Doggy style ...... 326 kalori
ORGASME
Orgasme betulan ...... 112 kalori
Orgasme palsu ...... 315 kalori
PASCA ORGASME
Berbaring berpelukan ...... 18 kalori
Cepat-cepat turun dari ranjang ...... 36 kalori
Menjelaskan kepadanya kenapa harus cepat-cepat turun dari ranjang......816 kalori
MENGALAMI EREKSI KEDUA
20 - 29 tahun ...... 36 kalori
30 - 39 tahun ...... 80 kalori
40 - 49 tahun ...... 124 kalori
50 - 59 tahun ...... 972 kalori
60 - 69 tahun ...... 2916 kalori
70 - diatasnya ...... hasilnya masih belum keluar X_X
BERPAKAIAN SESUDAHNYA
Dengan tenang ...... 32 kalori
Dengan tergesa-gesa ...... 98 kalori
Sementara ayahnya menggedor-gedor pintu ...... 1218 kalori
Sementara istri Anda menggedor-gedor pintu...... 3521 kalori
Apa kata penis kepada Condom..?
"Cover me..Cover me..I'm going In.."
Hukum Sex :
Boys say it's Great, Boys says it's fine.. 9months later boys say "it's not mine"..
Diantara paha pria adalah setan, diantara paha wanita adalah neraka.. Kuncilah setan didalam neraka, maka engkau akan merasakan surga..
Persamaan kursus bahasa inggris dan sex utk pemula sama2 ada sesi oral test..
" When an Apple is Green, its ready to pluck, when the girl is eighteen its ready to Fvck.."
Wanita suka sekali mengobrol, karena mrk pny mulut tambahan..
Pria suka sekali berpikir karena mrk punya kepala tambahan..
Secara mengejutkan seorang wanita melahirkan anak kembar 3.. Lalu dia pun lgsg menampar suaminya & berkata " Sudah kubilang jgn lakukan doggie style !!!
Saranku, nikahilah wanita yang mempunyai tangan kecil, karena itu akan membuat penis mu kelihatan sedikit besar..!!!
Fakta
Sudah lama diketahui bahwa seks merupakan salah satu kegiatan yang
cukup banyak membakar kalori. Tapi baru belakangan ini dilakukan penelitian ilmiah yang serius untuk mengetahui secara pasti tingkat pembakaran kalori dari berbagai aktivitas seksual.
Berikut ini adalah hasil penelitian tersebut, seperti termuat dalam "Journal of Sex Offerer and Offender"
MENANGGALKAN PAKAIANNYA
Dengan persetujuannya ...... 12 kalori
Tanpa persetujuannya ...... 187 kalori
MELEPAS BRA NYA
Dengan kedua tangan ...... 8 kalori
Dengan satu tangan ...... 12 kalori
Dengan gigi Anda ...... 85 kalori X_X
MENGENAKAN KONDOM
Sedang ereksi ...... 6 kalori
Tidak sedang ereksi ...... 315 kalori
(semakin stress semakin byk kalori X_X)
PEMANASAN
Mencoba mencari klitoris...... 8 kalori
Mencoba mencari G-Spot ...... 92 kalori
POSISI
Konvensional (atas-bawah)...... 12 kalori
Posisi 69 (berbaring) ...... 78 kalori
Posisi 69 (berdiri) ...... 112 kalori
Doggy style ...... 326 kalori
ORGASME
Orgasme betulan ...... 112 kalori
Orgasme palsu ...... 315 kalori
PASCA ORGASME
Berbaring berpelukan ...... 18 kalori
Cepat-cepat turun dari ranjang ...... 36 kalori
Menjelaskan kepadanya kenapa harus cepat-cepat turun dari ranjang......816 kalori
MENGALAMI EREKSI KEDUA
20 - 29 tahun ...... 36 kalori
30 - 39 tahun ...... 80 kalori
40 - 49 tahun ...... 124 kalori
50 - 59 tahun ...... 972 kalori
60 - 69 tahun ...... 2916 kalori
70 - diatasnya ...... hasilnya masih belum keluar X_X
BERPAKAIAN SESUDAHNYA
Dengan tenang ...... 32 kalori
Dengan tergesa-gesa ...... 98 kalori
Sementara ayahnya menggedor-gedor pintu ...... 1218 kalori
Sementara istri Anda menggedor-gedor pintu...... 3521 kalori
Mispelled
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Levels of STRESS
VARIOUS LEVELS OF STRESS
Do you know the Difference between STRESSFUL vs VERY STRESSFUL vs EXTREMELY STRESSED vs REALLY STRESSED ???
Answer . . .
01. You pick up a hitchhiker on Route 66, a very beautiful elegant young girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the nearest general hospital.
Now that’s STRESSFUL.
02. But, at the general hospital, they say that she is pregnant and everybody at the Emergency Room
congratulate you that you are going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.
This is getting VERY STRESSFUL.
03. So then . . . you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.
04. After the tests are completed, the doctor at the general hospital says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth.
You are EXTREMELY STRESSED but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your ever-loving sexy gorgeous wife and the 3 kids.
NOW THAT’S REALLY STRESSED . . . !!!
Do you know the Difference between STRESSFUL vs VERY STRESSFUL vs EXTREMELY STRESSED vs REALLY STRESSED ???
Answer . . .
01. You pick up a hitchhiker on Route 66, a very beautiful elegant young girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the nearest general hospital.
Now that’s STRESSFUL.
02. But, at the general hospital, they say that she is pregnant and everybody at the Emergency Room
congratulate you that you are going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.
This is getting VERY STRESSFUL.
03. So then . . . you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.
04. After the tests are completed, the doctor at the general hospital says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth.
You are EXTREMELY STRESSED but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your ever-loving sexy gorgeous wife and the 3 kids.
NOW THAT’S REALLY STRESSED . . . !!!
Tire Leak Repairer
Nurdin is a young man from the village. He works as the village ‘tire leak repairer'. He is good at finding leaks / holes, but that is about all he knows in life. Although he is pushing 40, he is still single and he still lives with his mother. His mother is very anxious about Nurdin having a family of his own, but Nurdin seems not to be able to find a wife. One day the mother brought home a young maiden to become Nurdin’s wife. Nurdin at first protested, but in the end he relented, and both went to see a Kadi to be officially married.
At the wedding night, when the two were in the matrimonial bed, the couple tried so hard to consummate the marriage, but both being inexperienced, the effort was not successful. The couple were getting desperate. Suddenly, Nurdin seemed to have a bright idea. He dashed out of the room, and came back with a big clear plastic bucket full of water. He told his wife to sit in the bucket. The wife was totally confused, but being an obedient wife, she just did what Nurdin told her to do. Nurdin then said: “break wind". His wife dutifully complied, and when Nurdin saw the air bubbles, he shouted triumphantly: “Ah, I knew it was somewhere down there. I found exactly where the hole is, it is no different than a tire”.
Poor Nurdin, wish his first time experience hadn’t been that smelly.
At the wedding night, when the two were in the matrimonial bed, the couple tried so hard to consummate the marriage, but both being inexperienced, the effort was not successful. The couple were getting desperate. Suddenly, Nurdin seemed to have a bright idea. He dashed out of the room, and came back with a big clear plastic bucket full of water. He told his wife to sit in the bucket. The wife was totally confused, but being an obedient wife, she just did what Nurdin told her to do. Nurdin then said: “break wind". His wife dutifully complied, and when Nurdin saw the air bubbles, he shouted triumphantly: “Ah, I knew it was somewhere down there. I found exactly where the hole is, it is no different than a tire”.
Poor Nurdin, wish his first time experience hadn’t been that smelly.
Tukang Tambal Ban
Amat adalah seorang pemuda desa yg lugu. Pekerjaanya adalah sebagai tukang tambal ban di simpang jalan. Amat masih belum berumah tangga walaupun usianya uda hampir masuk kepala 4. Ibunya yg tiap hari mengomel dan menyarankan agar Amat lekas berumah tangga krn Amat adalah anak tunggal.
Suatu hari ibunya membawa pulang seorang anak gadis tuk dijodohkan sama Amat. Krn gak mau kecewakan ibunya Amat menerima gadis tsb utk menjadi pendamping hidupnya.
Singkat cerita mereka pun menikah, dan tibalah pada saat malam pertama. Amat yg lugu tsb belum bisa mencapai "sasaran" walaupun sudah berusaha semaksimal mungkin.
Tiba2 dia keluar dari kamar meninggalkan istrinya yg bengong dan kembali dgn membawa sebaskom besar air. Tentunya istrinya tambah bengong dibuatnya. Kemudian Amat menyuruh istrinya duduk didalam baskom tsb dgn mengangkang kaki. Istrinya dgn patuh melaksanakan perintah suaminya krn ingin menjadi istri yg patuh walaupun dgn hati penuh pertanyaan.
Tiba2 Amat berteriak kegirangan setelah diliatnya gelembung2 udara kecil pada baskom " AH....RUPANYA DISITUH TOH TEMPATNYA"
(Ah,,,Dasar tukang tambal ban,,, ckckckckck).
Suatu hari ibunya membawa pulang seorang anak gadis tuk dijodohkan sama Amat. Krn gak mau kecewakan ibunya Amat menerima gadis tsb utk menjadi pendamping hidupnya.
Singkat cerita mereka pun menikah, dan tibalah pada saat malam pertama. Amat yg lugu tsb belum bisa mencapai "sasaran" walaupun sudah berusaha semaksimal mungkin.
Tiba2 dia keluar dari kamar meninggalkan istrinya yg bengong dan kembali dgn membawa sebaskom besar air. Tentunya istrinya tambah bengong dibuatnya. Kemudian Amat menyuruh istrinya duduk didalam baskom tsb dgn mengangkang kaki. Istrinya dgn patuh melaksanakan perintah suaminya krn ingin menjadi istri yg patuh walaupun dgn hati penuh pertanyaan.
Tiba2 Amat berteriak kegirangan setelah diliatnya gelembung2 udara kecil pada baskom " AH....RUPANYA DISITUH TOH TEMPATNYA"
(Ah,,,Dasar tukang tambal ban,,, ckckckckck).
Afterlife
A woman was worried about whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she prayed earnestly for God to allow him to speak to her.
"Hello, Margaret. This is Fred."
"Fred!" she exclaimed. "I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?"
"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is
cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. I lack for nothing; all day long we just eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."
"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.
"Heaven?" he answered. "I'm a buffalo in Montana."
"Hello, Margaret. This is Fred."
"Fred!" she exclaimed. "I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?"
"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is
cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. I lack for nothing; all day long we just eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."
"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.
"Heaven?" he answered. "I'm a buffalo in Montana."
Wine Tester
In a wine factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink.
He tried it and said "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass "It's red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you don't give me the job, I'll tell who's the father !
A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink.
He tried it and said "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass "It's red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you don't give me the job, I'll tell who's the father !
Adjie Massaid & Malaikat
Adjie Masaid protes keras pada Malaikat
Adjie Masaid : wahai malaikat.., kenapa saya mati muda?! padahal selama hidup saya selalu berbuat baik & tidak berbuat yg aneh2... ini tidak adil teriak Adjie Masaid.
Malaikat bingung lalu membuka daftar perbuatan Adjie masaid selama hidupnya didunia dan mulai bertanya...
Malaikat: apakah selama hidup km pernah dugem
Adjie masaid : tidak, jwb Adjie masaid dgn lantang
Malaikat : apakah selama hidup kamu pernah selingkuh
Adjie masaid : amit_amit mas malaikat, nggak pernah
Sang Malaikat makin bingung..,
Malaikat : apa km gak pernah ke diskotik, club malam, bar, minum2 gitu
Adjie masaid : tiddaakk pernah mas malaikat
Malaikat : Dugem NGAK ; Selingkuh NGAK. ke Diskotik bar karaoke nggak juga
Jadi buat apa kamu hidup di dunia lama2
Adjie Masaid : wahai malaikat.., kenapa saya mati muda?! padahal selama hidup saya selalu berbuat baik & tidak berbuat yg aneh2... ini tidak adil teriak Adjie Masaid.
Malaikat bingung lalu membuka daftar perbuatan Adjie masaid selama hidupnya didunia dan mulai bertanya...
Malaikat: apakah selama hidup km pernah dugem
Adjie masaid : tidak, jwb Adjie masaid dgn lantang
Malaikat : apakah selama hidup kamu pernah selingkuh
Adjie masaid : amit_amit mas malaikat, nggak pernah
Sang Malaikat makin bingung..,
Malaikat : apa km gak pernah ke diskotik, club malam, bar, minum2 gitu
Adjie masaid : tiddaakk pernah mas malaikat
Malaikat : Dugem NGAK ; Selingkuh NGAK. ke Diskotik bar karaoke nggak juga
Jadi buat apa kamu hidup di dunia lama2
Indonesian Cabin Announcement Airlines By Bencong
Indonesian Cabin Announcement Airlines
Ledis en jentelmen, bekudis tempel semen, sesuai peraturan penerbangan, jadi eike mawar kasi liat cara pake itu sabuk yang ada di pinggang yey, baju buat mengapung-apung, dan masker oksigen dikala napas sesek.
biar yey nantinya bisa selamet, coba sini diliat dulu cara pasang itu sabuk yang melilit di pinggang yey, cara ngunci biar gak gampang lepas, ngencengin, dan ngelepasinnya.
baju ngapung ada di bawah kursi yang yey dudukin, jangan dipake kecuali nanti mas kapiten ngajak berenang bareng. eit jangan lupa, itu barang jangan yey pindah-pindahin yaa, apalagi dibawa pulang buat pajangan salon. yang ketauan sama eike, bakalan ditabok kanan kiri atas bawah depan belakang deh ih...
cara make'nya, itu baju dikalungin di leher yey, ati ati kekencengan tar gak bisa napas. makanya kudu ati-ati deh yah.
biar bisa ngapung, yey tarik itu pencetan warna merah delima, atau yey tiup itu pipa nya. kalo nanti keluar lewat jendela darurat,
itu baju apung dikembangin pas di luar aja deh, nanti mampet di jendela karena gak muat.
aihh.. ampe kritiing tangan eike narikin pencetannya keras amirr.. gimana sih nih..
eh, asal yey semua pada tau ya, ini pesawat ada dua pintu darurat di depan,
ada dua di belakang, dan ada dua lagi jendela darurat di tengah-tengah. jadi keluarnya jangan rebutan ya.
kalo nanti tiba-tiba napas sesek dan bukan karena sabuk yang di pinggang kekencengan bukan pula karena salah masang pelampung, masker oksigen bakalan nongol dari atas kepala yey, tarik aje dah
trus napas kayak biasa. kalo ada anak kecil, yey yey yang ude tuwir mesti nolongin anaknya dulu baru yey pake sendiri.
kartu gambar biar selamet ada di kantong kursi di depan yey duduk, silakan dibaca dan dihayati dengan seksama yaaah.. endang sukamti cintya lamusu, terimakasi God blesss yuuu... mariii.
Ledis en jentelmen, bekudis tempel semen, sesuai peraturan penerbangan, jadi eike mawar kasi liat cara pake itu sabuk yang ada di pinggang yey, baju buat mengapung-apung, dan masker oksigen dikala napas sesek.
biar yey nantinya bisa selamet, coba sini diliat dulu cara pasang itu sabuk yang melilit di pinggang yey, cara ngunci biar gak gampang lepas, ngencengin, dan ngelepasinnya.
baju ngapung ada di bawah kursi yang yey dudukin, jangan dipake kecuali nanti mas kapiten ngajak berenang bareng. eit jangan lupa, itu barang jangan yey pindah-pindahin yaa, apalagi dibawa pulang buat pajangan salon. yang ketauan sama eike, bakalan ditabok kanan kiri atas bawah depan belakang deh ih...
cara make'nya, itu baju dikalungin di leher yey, ati ati kekencengan tar gak bisa napas. makanya kudu ati-ati deh yah.
biar bisa ngapung, yey tarik itu pencetan warna merah delima, atau yey tiup itu pipa nya. kalo nanti keluar lewat jendela darurat,
itu baju apung dikembangin pas di luar aja deh, nanti mampet di jendela karena gak muat.
aihh.. ampe kritiing tangan eike narikin pencetannya keras amirr.. gimana sih nih..
eh, asal yey semua pada tau ya, ini pesawat ada dua pintu darurat di depan,
ada dua di belakang, dan ada dua lagi jendela darurat di tengah-tengah. jadi keluarnya jangan rebutan ya.
kalo nanti tiba-tiba napas sesek dan bukan karena sabuk yang di pinggang kekencengan bukan pula karena salah masang pelampung, masker oksigen bakalan nongol dari atas kepala yey, tarik aje dah
trus napas kayak biasa. kalo ada anak kecil, yey yey yang ude tuwir mesti nolongin anaknya dulu baru yey pake sendiri.
kartu gambar biar selamet ada di kantong kursi di depan yey duduk, silakan dibaca dan dihayati dengan seksama yaaah.. endang sukamti cintya lamusu, terimakasi God blesss yuuu... mariii.
Tanya Jawab
Apa bedanya sekretaris baik sama sekretaris seksi?
Sekretaris baik "selamat pagi pak"
Sekretaris seksi "sudah pagi pak"
Bebek apa yg jalannya selalu muter ke kiri terus?
Bebek dikunci stang
Hewan apa yg bersaudara?
Katak beradik
Kenapa Superman celana dalamnya merah?
Karena lupa pake pembalut
Apa yg dikatakan orang bisu pertama kali bisa ngomong?
Tes.. tes... 1 2 3 dicoba...
Telor apa yg paling enak?
Telor yg lagi gatel trus digaruk-garuk
Kenapa ayam kalo berkokok matanya merem?
Karena udah hapal teksnya
Kenapa stir mobil letaknya kalau 'nggak dikanan ya dikiri.
Kok 'nggak ditengah?
Biar gampang kalau mau ngeludah
Kenapa Bumi makin panas?
Karena Matahari buka cabang dimana-mana
Kenapa anak kodok suka loncat-loncat?
Biasalah... namanya juga anak-anak. Suka iseng..
Tanya: Mengapa kodok kalau mau menyebrang rek kereta mesti loncat?
Jawab : Karena kalau mau muter, kejauhan.
Tanya : Tong apa yang bisa berbicara jarak jauh?
Jawab : Otong-otong delapan (008)
Tanya : Putih, hitam, merah ... apaan hayoooo?
Jawab : Zebra abis dikerokin.
Tanya : Gajah terbang dengan apa?
Jawab : Gajah terbang dengan sussahnya.
Tanya : Apa bedanya mie goreng pedes sama yang nggak pedes?
Jawab : Mie goreng pedes karetnya dua, yang nggak pedes karetnya satu.
Sekretaris baik "selamat pagi pak"
Sekretaris seksi "sudah pagi pak"
Bebek apa yg jalannya selalu muter ke kiri terus?
Bebek dikunci stang
Hewan apa yg bersaudara?
Katak beradik
Kenapa Superman celana dalamnya merah?
Karena lupa pake pembalut
Apa yg dikatakan orang bisu pertama kali bisa ngomong?
Tes.. tes... 1 2 3 dicoba...
Telor apa yg paling enak?
Telor yg lagi gatel trus digaruk-garuk
Kenapa ayam kalo berkokok matanya merem?
Karena udah hapal teksnya
Kenapa stir mobil letaknya kalau 'nggak dikanan ya dikiri.
Kok 'nggak ditengah?
Biar gampang kalau mau ngeludah
Kenapa Bumi makin panas?
Karena Matahari buka cabang dimana-mana
Kenapa anak kodok suka loncat-loncat?
Biasalah... namanya juga anak-anak. Suka iseng..
Tanya: Mengapa kodok kalau mau menyebrang rek kereta mesti loncat?
Jawab : Karena kalau mau muter, kejauhan.
Tanya : Tong apa yang bisa berbicara jarak jauh?
Jawab : Otong-otong delapan (008)
Tanya : Putih, hitam, merah ... apaan hayoooo?
Jawab : Zebra abis dikerokin.
Tanya : Gajah terbang dengan apa?
Jawab : Gajah terbang dengan sussahnya.
Tanya : Apa bedanya mie goreng pedes sama yang nggak pedes?
Jawab : Mie goreng pedes karetnya dua, yang nggak pedes karetnya satu.
Lelahnya Jadi Wanita
Pada usia 14 tahun, ada cowok yang pedekate, sungguh lelah ngumpet darinya.
Pada usia 24 tahun, tak ada yang pedekate, sungguh lelah memikirkannya.
Cowokku pura-pura mabuk dan mengajakku pulang ke rumahnya, sungguh lelah menolaknya.
Cowokku bener-bener mabuk dan muntah di lantai, sungguh lelah membersihkannya.
Ada yang pinjem uang sama cowokku, aku takut mereka tak bayar, sungguh lelah mencemaskannya.
Cowokku pinjem uang dengan orang lain, sungguh takut orang lain menagih utang padaku, tambah lelah mencemaskannya.
Melahirkan anak laki-laki takut anakku mirip ayahnya yang nggak punya masa depan, mengurusnya sungguh lelah.
Melahirkan anak perempuan, takut dia tertipu seperti ibunya, sama lelahnya.
Waktu suami lagi kere, tiap hari harus irit, sungguh lelah.
Waktu suami lagi banyak uang, takut dia di luar belanja yang tidak-tidak, sungguh lelah.
Suami terlalu ganteng, di jalanan selalu ada cewek yang curi-curi pandang, aku lelah.
Suami terlalu jelek, setiap keluar di jalan, sungguh lelah harus menjelaskan ke orang-orang kalo dia bukanlah supirku.
Pada usia 24 tahun, tak ada yang pedekate, sungguh lelah memikirkannya.
Cowokku pura-pura mabuk dan mengajakku pulang ke rumahnya, sungguh lelah menolaknya.
Cowokku bener-bener mabuk dan muntah di lantai, sungguh lelah membersihkannya.
Ada yang pinjem uang sama cowokku, aku takut mereka tak bayar, sungguh lelah mencemaskannya.
Cowokku pinjem uang dengan orang lain, sungguh takut orang lain menagih utang padaku, tambah lelah mencemaskannya.
Melahirkan anak laki-laki takut anakku mirip ayahnya yang nggak punya masa depan, mengurusnya sungguh lelah.
Melahirkan anak perempuan, takut dia tertipu seperti ibunya, sama lelahnya.
Waktu suami lagi kere, tiap hari harus irit, sungguh lelah.
Waktu suami lagi banyak uang, takut dia di luar belanja yang tidak-tidak, sungguh lelah.
Suami terlalu ganteng, di jalanan selalu ada cewek yang curi-curi pandang, aku lelah.
Suami terlalu jelek, setiap keluar di jalan, sungguh lelah harus menjelaskan ke orang-orang kalo dia bukanlah supirku.
Hal yang tidak akan pernah anda tahu tanpa Film Barat
... jika anda dikejar di dalam kota, anda biasanya bisa bersembunyi didalam rombongan parade - kapanpun setiap tahun.
... Sekali dipakai, lipstik tidak akan pernah luntur - bahkan saat anda sedang menyelam.
... Sistem ventilasi di gedung apapun adalah tempat bersembunyi yang paling baik. Tidak akan ada seorangpun yang akan berpikir untuk mencarimu disana dan anda dapat berjalan ke bagian gedung manapun juga tanpa ada kesulitan.
... Jika anda perlu mengisi ulang pistol anda, anda akan selalu mendapatkan amunisi lebih - walaupun anda tidak membawa satupun sebelumnya.
... Anda kemungkinan besar akan selalu selamat dari pertikaian dalam perang macam apapun juga, kecuali anda membuat kesalahan dengan memperlihatkan foto anak kesayangan anda di rumah.
... Menara Eiffel bisa dilihat dari jendela manapun di Paris.
... Seorang pria tidak akan pernah menampakkan sedikitpun kesakitan ketika terkena pukulan yang paling hebat sekalipun, tapi akan mengaduh ketika seorang wanita hendak membersihkan lukanya.
... Ketika membayar uang taxi, jangan melihat ke dalam dompet ketika anda mengambil uang - Tarik saja sembarang uang dan berikan kepada Taxi itu. Uang itu akan selalu pas dengan argonya.
... Dapur tidak punya tombol untuk menyalakan lampu. Ketika masuk ke dapur saat malam hari, anda harus membuka lemari es dan menggunakan lampu tersebut.
... Mobil yang menabrak akan selalu meledak dalam ledakan yang hebat.
... Kepala polisi akan selalu memberhentikan agen nya yang paling hebat - atau memberikannya waktu 48 jam untuk menyelesaikan kasusnya
... Seorang detektif hanya akan bisa menyelesaikan suatu kasus saat dia diberhentikan dari tugasnya.
... Setiap orang yang mendapatkan mimpi buruk akan selalu terbangun duduk dan berkeringat.
... Walau mengendara di jalan yang benar-benar lurus dan sepi, kadang-kadang sangat perlu untuk membanting setir ke kiri dan ke kanan beberapa saat.
... Semua bom selalu dirangkai dengan jam digital dengan angka berwarna merah menyala sehingga kamu akan tahu pasti kapan mereka akan meledak.
... Anda akan selalu bisa memarkir mobil anda persis di depan rumah yang anda kunjungi.
... Bukanlah suatu masalah jika anda jauh kalah jumlah dalam sebuah perkelahian - musuh-musuh anda akan menunggu dengan sabar sambil menari-nari dengan pose yang mengancam sampai anda menghajar mereka satu persatu.
... Ketika seseorang jatuh pingsan karena pukulan yang telak dan keras di bagian kepala, mereka tidak akan pernah mengalami penyakit atau gegar otak.
... Anda akan selalu dapat menemukan gergaji mesin kapanpun anda memerlukannya.
... Semua pintu yang terkunci dapat dibuka dengan menggunakan kredit card atau sebuah klip dalam waktu sekejap - kecuali pintu kamar yang terbakar dengan anak kecil di dalamnya, anda harus berusaha mati-matian mendobraknya agar terbuka.
... Berita televisi biasanya selalu mengandung berita yang berkaitan dengan dirimu.
... gudang di pelabuhan merupakan tempat paling cocok untuk berkelahi dlm rangka balas dendam atau transaksi narkoba. (Thanks to Brengos123)
... Kalau lagi di kejer2 monster, hantu, atau pembunuh, entah dimana pun pasti jatuh.... tanpa sebab yang pasti.
... Sekali dipakai, lipstik tidak akan pernah luntur - bahkan saat anda sedang menyelam.
... Sistem ventilasi di gedung apapun adalah tempat bersembunyi yang paling baik. Tidak akan ada seorangpun yang akan berpikir untuk mencarimu disana dan anda dapat berjalan ke bagian gedung manapun juga tanpa ada kesulitan.
... Jika anda perlu mengisi ulang pistol anda, anda akan selalu mendapatkan amunisi lebih - walaupun anda tidak membawa satupun sebelumnya.
... Anda kemungkinan besar akan selalu selamat dari pertikaian dalam perang macam apapun juga, kecuali anda membuat kesalahan dengan memperlihatkan foto anak kesayangan anda di rumah.
... Menara Eiffel bisa dilihat dari jendela manapun di Paris.
... Seorang pria tidak akan pernah menampakkan sedikitpun kesakitan ketika terkena pukulan yang paling hebat sekalipun, tapi akan mengaduh ketika seorang wanita hendak membersihkan lukanya.
... Ketika membayar uang taxi, jangan melihat ke dalam dompet ketika anda mengambil uang - Tarik saja sembarang uang dan berikan kepada Taxi itu. Uang itu akan selalu pas dengan argonya.
... Dapur tidak punya tombol untuk menyalakan lampu. Ketika masuk ke dapur saat malam hari, anda harus membuka lemari es dan menggunakan lampu tersebut.
... Mobil yang menabrak akan selalu meledak dalam ledakan yang hebat.
... Kepala polisi akan selalu memberhentikan agen nya yang paling hebat - atau memberikannya waktu 48 jam untuk menyelesaikan kasusnya
... Seorang detektif hanya akan bisa menyelesaikan suatu kasus saat dia diberhentikan dari tugasnya.
... Setiap orang yang mendapatkan mimpi buruk akan selalu terbangun duduk dan berkeringat.
... Walau mengendara di jalan yang benar-benar lurus dan sepi, kadang-kadang sangat perlu untuk membanting setir ke kiri dan ke kanan beberapa saat.
... Semua bom selalu dirangkai dengan jam digital dengan angka berwarna merah menyala sehingga kamu akan tahu pasti kapan mereka akan meledak.
... Anda akan selalu bisa memarkir mobil anda persis di depan rumah yang anda kunjungi.
... Bukanlah suatu masalah jika anda jauh kalah jumlah dalam sebuah perkelahian - musuh-musuh anda akan menunggu dengan sabar sambil menari-nari dengan pose yang mengancam sampai anda menghajar mereka satu persatu.
... Ketika seseorang jatuh pingsan karena pukulan yang telak dan keras di bagian kepala, mereka tidak akan pernah mengalami penyakit atau gegar otak.
... Anda akan selalu dapat menemukan gergaji mesin kapanpun anda memerlukannya.
... Semua pintu yang terkunci dapat dibuka dengan menggunakan kredit card atau sebuah klip dalam waktu sekejap - kecuali pintu kamar yang terbakar dengan anak kecil di dalamnya, anda harus berusaha mati-matian mendobraknya agar terbuka.
... Berita televisi biasanya selalu mengandung berita yang berkaitan dengan dirimu.
... gudang di pelabuhan merupakan tempat paling cocok untuk berkelahi dlm rangka balas dendam atau transaksi narkoba. (Thanks to Brengos123)
... Kalau lagi di kejer2 monster, hantu, atau pembunuh, entah dimana pun pasti jatuh.... tanpa sebab yang pasti.
What is Marketing?
1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!”- That’s Direct Marketing.
2. You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: “He’s very rich. Marry him.” - That’s Advertising.
3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.” - That’s Telemarketing.
4. You’re at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: “By the way, I’m rich. Will you marry me?” - That’s Public Relations.
5. You’re at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: “You are very rich! Can you marry me?” - That’s Brand Recognition.
6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. -That’s Customer Feedback.
7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” And she introduces you to her husband. - That’s demand and supply gap.
8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: “I’m rich. Will you marry me?” and she goes with him - That’s competition eating into your
market share.
9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: “I’m rich, Marry me!” your wife arrives. - That’s restriction for entering new markets.
2. You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: “He’s very rich. Marry him.” - That’s Advertising.
3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.” - That’s Telemarketing.
4. You’re at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: “By the way, I’m rich. Will you marry me?” - That’s Public Relations.
5. You’re at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: “You are very rich! Can you marry me?” - That’s Brand Recognition.
6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. -That’s Customer Feedback.
7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” And she introduces you to her husband. - That’s demand and supply gap.
8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: “I’m rich. Will you marry me?” and she goes with him - That’s competition eating into your
market share.
9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: “I’m rich, Marry me!” your wife arrives. - That’s restriction for entering new markets.
Tebak Tebakan
apa beda Megi Z sama tukang sayur?
kalo Megi Z teriak 'teganya-teganya' , kalo tukang sayur 'togenya-togenya'
kenapa di komputer ada tulisan ENTER?
karena kalo tulisannya ENTAR, programnya 'ngga jalan-jalan, dong.....
apa bahasa Arabnya orang jatuh dari lantai 100 sebuah gedung?
innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rojiun
binatang apa yang paling panjang?
ular ngantri beras
kenapa gorila lubang hidungnya besar?
karena jari-jarinya juga besar, biar pas buat ngupil
ikan apa yang lahir langsung disiksa ibunya?
ikan lohan (liat aja kepalanya benjol)
kenapa batman pake topeng?
karena malu celana dalamnya keliatan
siapa nama orang Bali yang hobi travelling?
Made (Made in Japan , Made in China , Made in Thailand )
apa persamaan Pangeran Diponegoro dengan RA Kartini ?
sama-sama enggak punya handphone
siapa presiden RI yang paling seksi?
Paha Bibi
siapa wan ita paling kuat sedunia?
Nyonya Meneer, berdiri sejak 1812
apa beda onta dan kangkung?
kalo onta di arab, kalo kangkung di urap
apa persamaan KTP dan telor asin?
sama-sama di cap stempel
kenapa dokter kalo 'mo operasi mulutnya ditutup?
karena kalo matanya yang ditutup 'ngga keliatan dong....
apa bukti wortel baik untuk kesehatan mata?
pernah liat kelinci pake kacamata?
apa bahasa Indianya bumbu dapur?
tumbar miri jahe
binatang apa yang warnanya h ita m-putih- merah?
zebra masuk angin abis dikerokin
nenek siapa yang jalannya loncat-loncat?
neneknya kodok, neneknya kangguru, neneknya kelinci.....
kenapa air laut asin?
karena ikannya pada keringetan
mangga apa yang mengerikan?
MANGGAruk-garuk pantat singa
profesi apa yang 'ngga perlu sekolah?
wasit tinju, cuman ngitung dari 1 sampe 10 doang
mengapa dalam bahasa Inggris wan ita disebut WOMAN?
karena saat Adam melihat perempuan pertama kali, yaitu Hawa,
ia berkata : "Wou.......man. ......!!!
ayahnya orang Bali, ibunya orang Betawi, siapa nama anaknya?
I Made Gede Amat
ikan apa yang matanya banyak?
ikan teri sekilo
mengapa gunung berapi meletus?
karena kalo mencair namanya gunung es
kentutnya Ade Ray bunyinya gimana?
brotot...... .brotot.. .....brotot. ......
kunci apa yang bisa bikin orang joget?
KUNCI-KUNCI HOTA HE
siapa nama orang Jepang yang lahir di puncak Gunung Merapi saat gunung meletus?
Kurasa Takada
apa yang bunyinya Bak! Buk! Bak! Buk! Dor! Dor! Dor?
tukang balon lagi berantem
hantu apa yang pinter ngitung?
han, tu, tri, four, five........
ayam apa yang paling kejam?
ayam mbakar wong Solo
kalo Megi Z teriak 'teganya-teganya' , kalo tukang sayur 'togenya-togenya'
kenapa di komputer ada tulisan ENTER?
karena kalo tulisannya ENTAR, programnya 'ngga jalan-jalan, dong.....
apa bahasa Arabnya orang jatuh dari lantai 100 sebuah gedung?
innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rojiun
binatang apa yang paling panjang?
ular ngantri beras
kenapa gorila lubang hidungnya besar?
karena jari-jarinya juga besar, biar pas buat ngupil
ikan apa yang lahir langsung disiksa ibunya?
ikan lohan (liat aja kepalanya benjol)
kenapa batman pake topeng?
karena malu celana dalamnya keliatan
siapa nama orang Bali yang hobi travelling?
Made (Made in Japan , Made in China , Made in Thailand )
apa persamaan Pangeran Diponegoro dengan RA Kartini ?
sama-sama enggak punya handphone
siapa presiden RI yang paling seksi?
Paha Bibi
siapa wan ita paling kuat sedunia?
Nyonya Meneer, berdiri sejak 1812
apa beda onta dan kangkung?
kalo onta di arab, kalo kangkung di urap
apa persamaan KTP dan telor asin?
sama-sama di cap stempel
kenapa dokter kalo 'mo operasi mulutnya ditutup?
karena kalo matanya yang ditutup 'ngga keliatan dong....
apa bukti wortel baik untuk kesehatan mata?
pernah liat kelinci pake kacamata?
apa bahasa Indianya bumbu dapur?
tumbar miri jahe
binatang apa yang warnanya h ita m-putih- merah?
zebra masuk angin abis dikerokin
nenek siapa yang jalannya loncat-loncat?
neneknya kodok, neneknya kangguru, neneknya kelinci.....
kenapa air laut asin?
karena ikannya pada keringetan
mangga apa yang mengerikan?
MANGGAruk-garuk pantat singa
profesi apa yang 'ngga perlu sekolah?
wasit tinju, cuman ngitung dari 1 sampe 10 doang
mengapa dalam bahasa Inggris wan ita disebut WOMAN?
karena saat Adam melihat perempuan pertama kali, yaitu Hawa,
ia berkata : "Wou.......man. ......!!!
ayahnya orang Bali, ibunya orang Betawi, siapa nama anaknya?
I Made Gede Amat
ikan apa yang matanya banyak?
ikan teri sekilo
mengapa gunung berapi meletus?
karena kalo mencair namanya gunung es
kentutnya Ade Ray bunyinya gimana?
brotot...... .brotot.. .....brotot. ......
kunci apa yang bisa bikin orang joget?
KUNCI-KUNCI HOTA HE
siapa nama orang Jepang yang lahir di puncak Gunung Merapi saat gunung meletus?
Kurasa Takada
apa yang bunyinya Bak! Buk! Bak! Buk! Dor! Dor! Dor?
tukang balon lagi berantem
hantu apa yang pinter ngitung?
han, tu, tri, four, five........
ayam apa yang paling kejam?
ayam mbakar wong Solo
Kebangaan Sang Ayah
Darsono, Wardi, Sugeng dan Jono janjian mengadakan reuni di Restoran yang ada tempat Karaokenya. Sambil makan, mereka berempat ber-bincang2 sambil bernostalgia. Setelah makan Darsono pamit meninggalkan teman2nya sebentar untuk nyanyi karaoke, "Minta lagu apa Rek? Dangdut?"
Sambil mendengarkan Darsono nyanyi, teman2nya melanjutkan obrolan mereka. "Bagaimana anak anakmu Geng?" tanya Wardi ke Sugeng.
Sugeng bercerita: "Oo, baik2 saja, anak saya kan dua. Yang cewek ikut suaminya jadi Kapolres di Medan. Sedangkan yang cowok sudah jadi boss, pabriknya dua, pabrik sepatu dan pabrik mie. Tapi ya gitu... saya yang jadi bapaknya saja ndak pernah dibelikan motor sama sekali, eeeh... pas kemarin pacarnya ulang tahun dibelikan BMW 320i gress."
"Lha kalau anakmu War?" Wardi pun bercerita, "Anakku dua kerja di Amerika, yang bonthot sekarang sudah jadi direktur developer rumah. Tapi agak gendeng juga anak saya yang bonthot ini. Rumah bapaknya sudah doyong dibiarkan aja, tapi waktu kemarin pacarnya ulang tahun di belikan rumah baru."
"Kalau kabar anakmu bagaimana Jon?" Sekarang Jono yang cerita, "Anak saya empat, cowok satu, cewek tiga. Sekarang sudah pada mandiri. Yang paling sukses ya anakku yang cowok. Sekarang jadi pialang saham. Cuman ya agak nggak bener juga. Lha... saya ini nggak pernah di kasih uang sama sekali, tapi kemarin waktu pacarnya ulang tahun di kasih deposito 100 juta."
Setelah Jono cerita, Darsono selesai karaoke, "Nyritain apa sih Rek?". "Ini lho Dar, pada nyritain anaknya, gimana anakmu Dar?" tanya Jono. Setelah nyalain rokok, Darsono mulai cerita: "Anakku cuma satu, tapi payah. Aku ingin dia jadi ABRI, eeeh malah jadi bencong. Sudah lima tahun dia buka salon, dari dulu sampek sekarang ya teteeep aja nyalon. Tapi meskipun bencong dia tetep anak ku. Apalagi dasarnya anaknya itu baik, pergaulannya luas dan sayang sama bapaknya.
Setiap dapat rejeki saya pasti diberi. Kemarin pas dia ulang tahun, ada temannya yang ngado BMW 320i gress, rumah baru, dan deposito 100 juta. Dia bilang semua itu buat bapak saja, dia tetep seneng buka salon saja, katanya.
Sambil mendengarkan Darsono nyanyi, teman2nya melanjutkan obrolan mereka. "Bagaimana anak anakmu Geng?" tanya Wardi ke Sugeng.
Sugeng bercerita: "Oo, baik2 saja, anak saya kan dua. Yang cewek ikut suaminya jadi Kapolres di Medan. Sedangkan yang cowok sudah jadi boss, pabriknya dua, pabrik sepatu dan pabrik mie. Tapi ya gitu... saya yang jadi bapaknya saja ndak pernah dibelikan motor sama sekali, eeeh... pas kemarin pacarnya ulang tahun dibelikan BMW 320i gress."
"Lha kalau anakmu War?" Wardi pun bercerita, "Anakku dua kerja di Amerika, yang bonthot sekarang sudah jadi direktur developer rumah. Tapi agak gendeng juga anak saya yang bonthot ini. Rumah bapaknya sudah doyong dibiarkan aja, tapi waktu kemarin pacarnya ulang tahun di belikan rumah baru."
"Kalau kabar anakmu bagaimana Jon?" Sekarang Jono yang cerita, "Anak saya empat, cowok satu, cewek tiga. Sekarang sudah pada mandiri. Yang paling sukses ya anakku yang cowok. Sekarang jadi pialang saham. Cuman ya agak nggak bener juga. Lha... saya ini nggak pernah di kasih uang sama sekali, tapi kemarin waktu pacarnya ulang tahun di kasih deposito 100 juta."
Setelah Jono cerita, Darsono selesai karaoke, "Nyritain apa sih Rek?". "Ini lho Dar, pada nyritain anaknya, gimana anakmu Dar?" tanya Jono. Setelah nyalain rokok, Darsono mulai cerita: "Anakku cuma satu, tapi payah. Aku ingin dia jadi ABRI, eeeh malah jadi bencong. Sudah lima tahun dia buka salon, dari dulu sampek sekarang ya teteeep aja nyalon. Tapi meskipun bencong dia tetep anak ku. Apalagi dasarnya anaknya itu baik, pergaulannya luas dan sayang sama bapaknya.
Setiap dapat rejeki saya pasti diberi. Kemarin pas dia ulang tahun, ada temannya yang ngado BMW 320i gress, rumah baru, dan deposito 100 juta. Dia bilang semua itu buat bapak saja, dia tetep seneng buka salon saja, katanya.
Belajar
Suatu hari Wawan pergi ke Toko buku untuk mempelajari berbagai ilmu yang lagi ngetrend sekarang. Ketika ditanya hasilnya, ia pun menjawab :
Ya ... Saya Belajar berenang dengan menggunakan buku "Dasar-dasar renang", akhirnya memang setiap kali berenang saya selalu tenggelam di dasar kolam.
Saya belajar bahasa Prancis dengan menggunakan buku "Belajar sendiri Bahasa Prancis", akhirnya buku itu yang belajar sendirian di rak buku saya.
Saya belajar desain komputer dengan menggunakan buku "Rahasia Membuat Berbagai Efek Dengan Photoshop", akhirnya memang semua pelajarannya tetap menjadi rahasia.
Saya belajar Bahasa Inggris dengan menggunakan buku "sistem 50 jam", akhirnya memang setelah lewat 50 jam gairah belajarku hilang.
Ya ... Saya Belajar berenang dengan menggunakan buku "Dasar-dasar renang", akhirnya memang setiap kali berenang saya selalu tenggelam di dasar kolam.
Saya belajar bahasa Prancis dengan menggunakan buku "Belajar sendiri Bahasa Prancis", akhirnya buku itu yang belajar sendirian di rak buku saya.
Saya belajar desain komputer dengan menggunakan buku "Rahasia Membuat Berbagai Efek Dengan Photoshop", akhirnya memang semua pelajarannya tetap menjadi rahasia.
Saya belajar Bahasa Inggris dengan menggunakan buku "sistem 50 jam", akhirnya memang setelah lewat 50 jam gairah belajarku hilang.
New Panties
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never heard the gunshot
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never heard the gunshot
The Face or Penis?
An American, a Japanese and a Chinese went for a hike one day.
It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted. When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates. But the Chinese covered his face and the trio ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he covered his face rather than his private part.
The Chinese replied, "I don't know about you....... but in my country, it's the face that people recognize."
It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted. When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates. But the Chinese covered his face and the trio ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he covered his face rather than his private part.
The Chinese replied, "I don't know about you....... but in my country, it's the face that people recognize."
Zinc Barrel Soup
Obama: "I want goat fried rice."
SBY (bisik2 sama ajudan-nya): "Nasi goreng kambing Kebon Sirih... Cepetan!!!"
Setelah makan Obama mengangguk tanda setuju.
Obama: "I want veal tail soup."
SBY (bisik2 sama ajudan-nya): "Sop buntut, dari Hotel Borobudur, cepetan!!!!!!!"
setelah makan Obama mengangguk tanda setuju.
Obama: "I want zinc barrel soup."
SBY kepada ajudan-nya: "Apaan tuh? Loe tau ngak?????"
Ajudan SBY: "TONGSENG Pak..."
SBY (bisik2 sama ajudan-nya): "Nasi goreng kambing Kebon Sirih... Cepetan!!!"
Setelah makan Obama mengangguk tanda setuju.
Obama: "I want veal tail soup."
SBY (bisik2 sama ajudan-nya): "Sop buntut, dari Hotel Borobudur, cepetan!!!!!!!"
setelah makan Obama mengangguk tanda setuju.
Obama: "I want zinc barrel soup."
SBY kepada ajudan-nya: "Apaan tuh? Loe tau ngak?????"
Ajudan SBY: "TONGSENG Pak..."
Barrack Obama & Megawati
Pada Jamuan makan malam bersama Presiden Yudhoyono, Obama berusaha beramahtamah dengan Megawati yang sedang mengambil Salad di meja prasmanan:
Obama: "Do You Like Salad?"
Megawati "Oh yes I do Like Shalat (Salad), even 5 times a day"
Obama "Oh that's very good, what kind of dressing do use?"
Megawati "Mukenah Of Course"
Obama : "terheran-heran dan berfikir mungkin itu dressing salad model baru.
Pada saat mengambil mie bakso Megawati berganti ingin beramahtamah dengan Obama
Megawati "Do you Like Me? (Mie)"
Obama "Oh Yes I Do Very Much"
Megawati "Then You should Try Me (Mie), still Hot You Know:) "
Obama " ... ???
Obama: "Do You Like Salad?"
Megawati "Oh yes I do Like Shalat (Salad), even 5 times a day"
Obama "Oh that's very good, what kind of dressing do use?"
Megawati "Mukenah Of Course"
Obama : "terheran-heran dan berfikir mungkin itu dressing salad model baru.
Pada saat mengambil mie bakso Megawati berganti ingin beramahtamah dengan Obama
Megawati "Do you Like Me? (Mie)"
Obama "Oh Yes I Do Very Much"
Megawati "Then You should Try Me (Mie), still Hot You Know:) "
Obama " ... ???
About Men & Women
Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward...forward. ..backward. ..forward. ..backward. ...forward. ...... stop and eject
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are fucked up.
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction
A: A teabag.
Qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful
Self-Organized.
In short, she must have good
B.R.E.A.S.T. S
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology.When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is Sociology.
Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day.
Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt.Guess where it would have bitten?
The boy's hand.
Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath, Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed.
Tarzan asked 'Why '?
The animals told him......... ..'Your tail is in the front'
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward...forward. ..backward. ..forward. ..backward. ...forward. ...... stop and eject
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are fucked up.
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction
A: A teabag.
Qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful
Self-Organized.
In short, she must have good
B.R.E.A.S.T. S
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology.When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is Sociology.
Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day.
Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt.Guess where it would have bitten?
The boy's hand.
Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath, Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed.
Tarzan asked 'Why '?
The animals told him......... ..'Your tail is in the front'
Little John's Black Eye
John walked into class every morning with a black eye . After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it.
John answer was:
"Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the same bed.
Every night my father asks, 'John are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and he slaps my face and gives me a Black eye.
So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer".
The following morning John comes to school and his eye is fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. But
The day after that Jabu comes back with a severe black eye again."My goodness Jabu, why the black eye again?"
He tells her: "Mam, Dad asked me again, 'John are you sleeping?... And I shut up and kept dead still. Then my father And my mother started moving {you know} at the same time Mom was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically And squealing like a demented hyena on the bed"...
Then my father asks my mother: 'Are you cuming?' Then my mom says, 'Yes I'm cuming, are you cuming too?' and my Dad answered 'Yes'.
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said
'Wait' for me!!!!!!!
John answer was:
"Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the same bed.
Every night my father asks, 'John are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and he slaps my face and gives me a Black eye.
So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer".
The following morning John comes to school and his eye is fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. But
The day after that Jabu comes back with a severe black eye again."My goodness Jabu, why the black eye again?"
He tells her: "Mam, Dad asked me again, 'John are you sleeping?... And I shut up and kept dead still. Then my father And my mother started moving {you know} at the same time Mom was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically And squealing like a demented hyena on the bed"...
Then my father asks my mother: 'Are you cuming?' Then my mom says, 'Yes I'm cuming, are you cuming too?' and my Dad answered 'Yes'.
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said
'Wait' for me!!!!!!!
Aids
KHAN : "Mom, I've AIDS"
Mother : "Don't come back my son".
KHAN : "Why Mom?".
Mother : "If you come back then your wife will be infected. From your wife to your brother, from your brother to our maid, from our maid to your dad, from your dad to my sister and from my sister to her husband, from him to me and from me to our driver, from our driver to your sister and if your sister got AIDS, then...the whole village will be infected !
So in the name of God please save our village.
Don't come back!...
Mother : "Don't come back my son".
KHAN : "Why Mom?".
Mother : "If you come back then your wife will be infected. From your wife to your brother, from your brother to our maid, from our maid to your dad, from your dad to my sister and from my sister to her husband, from him to me and from me to our driver, from our driver to your sister and if your sister got AIDS, then...the whole village will be infected !
So in the name of God please save our village.
Don't come back!...
The Divorced Barbie Doll
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
and Divorced Barbie for $2,265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $2,265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
and Divorced Barbie for $2,265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $2,265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
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