The Best Phone Answering Machine

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.
We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember.
I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave a message and if I don't call back, it's you.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number
and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is supercilious.

"I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls. So just start talking and if you're
someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly,
and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Try the following next time the phone rings:
You (when you answer): Hello, is Jimmy there?
Caller: No, I'm afraid you have a wrong number.
You: Oh. Sorry.
Caller: No problem... (click)

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