Read This Before You Get Married

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. 

I hurt my back the other day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

I was walking my dog around my building this morning....on the ledge.....
see some people are afraid of heights....I'm afraid of widths.

My wife has a king-size bed. I have a court jester size bed......
the ends curl up and have little bells on them.

This morning my wife leans over to me and says "Did you sleep good?"
I made a few mistakes.

So before I left on this tour my wife stopped me and she asked me
"So how long are you going to be gone on this tour" and I was like....
"The whole time"....

You should never wave at someone you don't know cause what if they don't have a hand?
Then they'll think you're cocky. Look at what I got motherfucka. This shit is useful.
I think I'll go pick something up.

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