Comme un camionneur s'arrête à un feu rouge, une blonde le rattrape.
Elle sort de son auto en courant vers le camion et frappe sur la porte.
Le camionneur descend sa vitre et elle lui dit : "Bonjour, mon nom est Danièle et je veux vous dire que vous perdez votre cargaison."
Le camionneur l'ignore et continue sur la rue.
Quand le camion s'arrête à un autre feu rouge, elle le rattrape encore une fois.
Elle descend en courant de son auto et court au camion.
Elle frappe sur la porte. Le camionneur redescend encore une fois sa vitre.
Elle lui dit comme si elle ne lui avait jamais parlé : "Bonjour, je suis Danièle et je veux vous dire que vous perdez votre cargaison."
Branlant la tête, le camionneur l'ignore encore une fois et continue sur la rue.
Quand le feu passe au vert, le camionneur embraye et poursuit sa route.
Quand il arrête cette fois-ci, il se dépêche, sort de son camion et court à l'auto de la blonde.
Il frappe sur sa vitre, elle descend et il lui dit , exaspéré :
"Aye, Bonjour, je suis André, c'est l'hiver au Québec et je conduis un CAMION DE SEL , tabarnak !!!!!!!!
Rahasia Cara Lolos dari Hukuman Penjara
Obet tabrak 30 org sekaligus jadi obet langsung di giring ke Pos Lantas
Polisi : Obet!! ko cerita kronologi, kenapa bisa ko tabrak 30 orang sekaligus
Obet : begini komandan, sa bawa truk dg kecepatan 100 km/jam. Pas di tikungan sa rem blong. Kalo sa banting setir ke kanan, ada acara kawinan. sementara kalo ke kiri ada dua orang yang lagi jalan.
Sekarang, kalau komandan jadi saya, komandan mo pilih mana?
Polisi : yang pasti kiri to, karna cuma dua orang.
Obet : betul sekali itu komandan. Sa juga berpikir sama seperti komandan.
Polisi : bahhh, baru kenapa orang-orang yang di pesta kawin ko tabrak?
Obet : nahhh itu dia komandan, sa su pikir banting setir kiri sasaran dua orang tadi, eehhh ternyata dong dua lari ke pesta kawinan, jadi sa banting setir lagi ke kanan kejar dong dua,
Polisi : gubragg
Polisi : Obet!! ko cerita kronologi, kenapa bisa ko tabrak 30 orang sekaligus
Obet : begini komandan, sa bawa truk dg kecepatan 100 km/jam. Pas di tikungan sa rem blong. Kalo sa banting setir ke kanan, ada acara kawinan. sementara kalo ke kiri ada dua orang yang lagi jalan.
Sekarang, kalau komandan jadi saya, komandan mo pilih mana?
Polisi : yang pasti kiri to, karna cuma dua orang.
Obet : betul sekali itu komandan. Sa juga berpikir sama seperti komandan.
Polisi : bahhh, baru kenapa orang-orang yang di pesta kawin ko tabrak?
Obet : nahhh itu dia komandan, sa su pikir banting setir kiri sasaran dua orang tadi, eehhh ternyata dong dua lari ke pesta kawinan, jadi sa banting setir lagi ke kanan kejar dong dua,
Polisi : gubragg
Rahasia Cara Sukses untuk Mahasiswi
Kisah Sukses dan Inspiratif: Mahasiswi penjual kroto..
Pak RT liburan di Malang dan menginap di rumah Mbah Kerto sang juragan kos-kosan.. :O
Rumah Mbah Kerto sekitar satu kilometer dengan salah satu kampus terkenal di kota bunga ini.. :)
Pak RT heran melihat glamornya gaya hidup para mahasisiwi yang ngekos dirumah Mbah Kerto..
Gadget terbaru, sepatu dan tas bermerek, lipstik dan bedak yang lumayan berat buat kantong mahasisiwi..
Iseng-iseng Pak RT bertanya ke salah satu penghuni kos.. :D
Pak RT: "Wah penampilan mbak oke banget ya, pasti kiriman ortu gede banget ya?"
Mahasisiwi: "Ah enggak koq Pak biasa aja kirimannya.." ;)
Pak RT: "Lha terus segala yang mbak pake uang dari mana?"
Mahasisiwi: "Bisnis kecil-kecilan Pak.."
Pak RT: "Buka online shop ya? Makelar tanah? atau mungkin ternak tuyul?"
Mahasisiwi: "Enggak Pak, cuma jualan kroto.."
Pak RT: "Masak sih? Gimana ceritanya?"
Mahasisiwi: "Tau kan kroto itu apa?"
Pak RT: "Makanan burung kan?"
Mahasiswi: "Itulah bisnis saya.."
Pak RT: "Oooo makanan burung.."
Lalu tiba-tiba ada Oom² datang mengendarai sedan silver menjemput mahasisiwi tadi..
Pak RT nyeletuk: "Wah krotone laku ya dik?’‘
Mahasiswi: "Alhamdulillah Pak, isa buat nambah² uang jajan.."
Itulah KISAH SUKSES Mahasiswi penjual kroto, semoga bermanfaat...
Pak RT liburan di Malang dan menginap di rumah Mbah Kerto sang juragan kos-kosan.. :O
Rumah Mbah Kerto sekitar satu kilometer dengan salah satu kampus terkenal di kota bunga ini.. :)
Pak RT heran melihat glamornya gaya hidup para mahasisiwi yang ngekos dirumah Mbah Kerto..
Gadget terbaru, sepatu dan tas bermerek, lipstik dan bedak yang lumayan berat buat kantong mahasisiwi..
Iseng-iseng Pak RT bertanya ke salah satu penghuni kos.. :D
Pak RT: "Wah penampilan mbak oke banget ya, pasti kiriman ortu gede banget ya?"
Mahasisiwi: "Ah enggak koq Pak biasa aja kirimannya.." ;)
Pak RT: "Lha terus segala yang mbak pake uang dari mana?"
Mahasisiwi: "Bisnis kecil-kecilan Pak.."
Pak RT: "Buka online shop ya? Makelar tanah? atau mungkin ternak tuyul?"
Mahasisiwi: "Enggak Pak, cuma jualan kroto.."
Pak RT: "Masak sih? Gimana ceritanya?"
Mahasisiwi: "Tau kan kroto itu apa?"
Pak RT: "Makanan burung kan?"
Mahasiswi: "Itulah bisnis saya.."
Pak RT: "Oooo makanan burung.."
Lalu tiba-tiba ada Oom² datang mengendarai sedan silver menjemput mahasisiwi tadi..
Pak RT nyeletuk: "Wah krotone laku ya dik?’‘
Mahasiswi: "Alhamdulillah Pak, isa buat nambah² uang jajan.."
Itulah KISAH SUKSES Mahasiswi penjual kroto, semoga bermanfaat...
The Top Secrets How To HAVE a Happy Day Everyday!
"What's the matter, you look depressed."
"I'm having trouble with my wife."
"What happened?"
"She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days."
"But that ought to make you happy."
"It did, but today is the last day."
"I'm having trouble with my wife."
"What happened?"
"She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days."
"But that ought to make you happy."
"It did, but today is the last day."
The Secrets Why God Hate Human
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
The Secret of A Man's Life Stage
MAN
At 20 - A man is like a coconut, so much to offer, so little to give.
At 30 - He is like a durian, dangerous but delicious.
At 40 - He is like a watermelon, big, round and juicy.
At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange, the season comes once a year.
At 60 - He is just like a raisin, dried out, wrinkles and cheap.
At 20 - A man is like a coconut, so much to offer, so little to give.
At 30 - He is like a durian, dangerous but delicious.
At 40 - He is like a watermelon, big, round and juicy.
At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange, the season comes once a year.
At 60 - He is just like a raisin, dried out, wrinkles and cheap.
A Woman's Life Stage - Sports Illustrated Philosophy
WOMAN
When she is 18 - She is a football, 22 men going after her....
When she is 28 - She is a hockey ball, 8 men going after her.
When she is 38 - She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her.
When she is 48 - She is a pingpong ball, 2 men pushing to each other.
When she is 18 - She is a football, 22 men going after her....
When she is 28 - She is a hockey ball, 8 men going after her.
When she is 38 - She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her.
When she is 48 - She is a pingpong ball, 2 men pushing to each other.
How To Know IF a Man is Newly Married
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
either the car is new or the wife.
either the car is new or the wife.
The Top Secrets How to Tell If He is Already Married
It's easy to tell if a man is married or not.
Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him.
If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.
Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him.
If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.
The Playboy Secrets How To Get a Girlfriend in just a Day!
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day, he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Next day, he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The Top Secret How To Go To Heaven
There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much
That he would go thru hell for her.
They got married - and now he is going
Thru hell.
That he would go thru hell for her.
They got married - and now he is going
Thru hell.
The Secret Reasons Why There Are Many Homosexuals in the World
Women are unpredictable.
Before marriage, she expects a man.
After marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.
Before marriage, she expects a man.
After marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.
The Real Secret How to Escape from Kidnappers without Paying Ransom
*A man received a letter from some kidnappers.
The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000 I swear that we will kidnap your wife."
The poor man wrote back, "I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."
The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000 I swear that we will kidnap your wife."
The poor man wrote back, "I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."
The Reasons Why You Should Never Married Again When You're Old
An elderly couple, both whose spouses had died, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
He sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'
Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
He sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'
The Reasons Why You Should Never Follow Running Competition
Sardar - Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar - If only the winner will get the cup, why are the others running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar - If only the winner will get the cup, why are the others running?
The Reasons Why You Shouldn't Have Twins Babies
Twins were born to Sardar.
He could not sleep for the whole night.
Why????
He kept wondering who was the father of the second child!
He could not sleep for the whole night.
Why????
He kept wondering who was the father of the second child!
The Best Prayer Before Travelling
Sardar's wish - When I die, I want to die like my grandpa, who died peacefully in his sleep - not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving...
How To Find The Smartest Husband in The World?
One morning, Mrs. Sardar caught her husband searching high and low all around his living room.
Mrs. Sardar:"What are you searching for?"
Mr. Sardar: "Hidden cameras!"
Mrs. Sardar: "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?"
Mr. Sardar: "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Every few minutes he keeps saying, "You are watching Punjabi channel 1. How does he know that?"
Mrs. Sardar:"What are you searching for?"
Mr. Sardar: "Hidden cameras!"
Mrs. Sardar: "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?"
Mr. Sardar: "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Every few minutes he keeps saying, "You are watching Punjabi channel 1. How does he know that?"
How To Be Walking Wikipedia at The Museum
One day Sardar visited a museum with a foreign visitor.
The visitor saw a big skull and asked what that was.
Sardar said "that was the skull of King".
After a few minutes, the visitor saw another small skull of a monkey and asked Sardar what that was.
Sardar said "That is when the king was young!".
The visitor saw a big skull and asked what that was.
Sardar said "that was the skull of King".
After a few minutes, the visitor saw another small skull of a monkey and asked Sardar what that was.
Sardar said "That is when the king was young!".
How To Know The Time Difference Around The World Easily
Once Sardar wanted to know the time difference between Punjab and Toronto.
So he called up the Tourist Board and asked them "Could you tell me the time difference between Punjabi & English".
The man at the other end replies "One second sir..."
and Sardar immediately replies "Thank you" and puts the phone down.
So he called up the Tourist Board and asked them "Could you tell me the time difference between Punjabi & English".
The man at the other end replies "One second sir..."
and Sardar immediately replies "Thank you" and puts the phone down.
The World's Weirdest Blood Group
Sardar: Nurse, I am very eager to know my blood group.
Nurse: B positive
Sardar: please tell me soon...
Nurse: B positive
Sardar: Madam, I am positive, but eager to know my blood group.
Nurse: B positive
Sardar: please tell me soon...
Nurse: B positive
Sardar: Madam, I am positive, but eager to know my blood group.
How To Become Chinese in Just A Minutes
This happened when Sardar's 4th child was born. He fills data in the birth certificate.
Mother: Punjabi.
Father: Punjabi.
Kid: Chinese.
"How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Punjabi?"
Says Sardar "Ahhh... I read in the newspaper, that every 4th person born on Earth now is a Chinese."
Mother: Punjabi.
Father: Punjabi.
Kid: Chinese.
"How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Punjabi?"
Says Sardar "Ahhh... I read in the newspaper, that every 4th person born on Earth now is a Chinese."
How TO Get Free Things in Supermarket
Sardar rushed back angrily to the grocery shop from where he had purchased a packet of butter a few minutes ago.
"Where is my free gift?" he shouted at the shopkeeper.
"But Sir, there is no free gift on the purchase of butter." The shopkeeper answered politely.
"Don't fool me," replied sardar, "it is clearly written on the packet of the butter 'Cholesterol free' but you gave me only butter".
"Where is my free gift?" he shouted at the shopkeeper.
"But Sir, there is no free gift on the purchase of butter." The shopkeeper answered politely.
"Don't fool me," replied sardar, "it is clearly written on the packet of the butter 'Cholesterol free' but you gave me only butter".
Where Is Hell Located?
The most Godly joke on the planet. You will laugh your ass off just
thinking about it, it's awesomeness will seep through every pore on your
body. And you will sex with it.
#1 What do you get if you mix an elefant with a rhinoceros?
hell if i know!
#2 Billy: What do you call an Elephant and a Rhino?
Bobby: What?
Billy: An Elephino!!
Bobby: That was stupid.
*punches Billy*
#3 Elephino!
Punch line to the greatest joke EVER! Combination of "elephant" and "rhino". Pronounced "hell if I know".
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
answer: elephino
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
answer: elephino
#1 What do you get if you mix an elefant with a rhinoceros?
hell if i know!
#2 Billy: What do you call an Elephant and a Rhino?
Bobby: What?
Billy: An Elephino!!
Bobby: That was stupid.
*punches Billy*
#3 Elephino!
Punch line to the greatest joke EVER! Combination of "elephant" and "rhino". Pronounced "hell if I know".
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
answer: elephino
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
answer: elephino
The Top Reason Why You Shouln't Take Jews and Christians as Friends
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.
Bartender looks up, he says "What's this? A joke?"
Bartender looks up, he says "What's this? A joke?"
How To Have Orgasm in The Ass
A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class.
The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."
The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."
The Ghost Story in The Dark Night
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a big snow storm. The night passed slowly and no cars went by.
The storm was so strong he could see hardly a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Reflexively, the guy gets into the car and closes the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly starts moving again. The guy is terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.
The guy sees that the car is slowly approaching a sharp curve.
The guy starts to pray, begging for his life, sure the ghost car will go off the road and he will plunge to his death when, just before the curve, a hand appears thru the window and turns the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.
Paralyzed with terror, the guy watches the hand reappear every time they reach a curve. Finally, the guy gathers his wits and leaps from the car and runs to the nearest town.
Wet and in shock, he goes to a bar and, voice quavering, orders two shots of corn whiskey and tells everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience.
A silence envelopes over everybody when they realize the guy is apparently sane and not drunk.
About half an hour later, two country boys in checkered flannel shirts walked in the same bar.
One says to the other, "Look Bubba, that's the idiot that rode in our car when we were pushing it."
The storm was so strong he could see hardly a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Reflexively, the guy gets into the car and closes the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly starts moving again. The guy is terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.
The guy sees that the car is slowly approaching a sharp curve.
The guy starts to pray, begging for his life, sure the ghost car will go off the road and he will plunge to his death when, just before the curve, a hand appears thru the window and turns the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.
Paralyzed with terror, the guy watches the hand reappear every time they reach a curve. Finally, the guy gathers his wits and leaps from the car and runs to the nearest town.
Wet and in shock, he goes to a bar and, voice quavering, orders two shots of corn whiskey and tells everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience.
A silence envelopes over everybody when they realize the guy is apparently sane and not drunk.
About half an hour later, two country boys in checkered flannel shirts walked in the same bar.
One says to the other, "Look Bubba, that's the idiot that rode in our car when we were pushing it."
The World's Weirdest News
Miners Refuse to Work After Death.
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.
Stolen Painting found by Tree.
War Dims Hope for Peace.
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It may Last a While.
Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide.
New Study of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group.
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space.
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead.
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.
Stolen Painting found by Tree.
War Dims Hope for Peace.
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It may Last a While.
Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide.
New Study of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group.
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space.
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead.
The CEO Secrets How To Be The World's Best Company
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures
will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
How To Have Safe Anal Sex - The Blonde Stories
Did you hear about the blonde that thought sex was a pain in the ass
until someone told her to turn over?
A blonde walks into a hairdresser saloon, wearing a walkman and headset, and asks for a haircut.
"But", she says to the hairdresser, "do NOT cut the headset! That's very important!"
The hairdresser finds that kind of strange, but nods and starts cutting her hair.
But he isn't really paying attention, and accidently cuts the headset cord, and the blonde collapses.
He checks her pulse, and finds she is dead. Shocked, he takes the cassette out of the walkman and puts
it into a cassette player.
A voice on the cassette says: "breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..."
A blind man and his guide dog enter a Bar and find their way to a bar stool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200lb blonde with a black belt in karate.
What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter.
The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister.
You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A Blonde was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
The Blonde persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, the Blonde asked. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on the blonde, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, the Blonde dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife as well, and I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, blonde, long firm legs, huge tits and a very nice tight ass.
What's your wife look like?"
"Never mind, let's look for yours!"
until someone told her to turn over?
A blonde walks into a hairdresser saloon, wearing a walkman and headset, and asks for a haircut.
"But", she says to the hairdresser, "do NOT cut the headset! That's very important!"
The hairdresser finds that kind of strange, but nods and starts cutting her hair.
But he isn't really paying attention, and accidently cuts the headset cord, and the blonde collapses.
He checks her pulse, and finds she is dead. Shocked, he takes the cassette out of the walkman and puts
it into a cassette player.
A voice on the cassette says: "breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..."
A blind man and his guide dog enter a Bar and find their way to a bar stool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200lb blonde with a black belt in karate.
What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter.
The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister.
You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A Blonde was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
The Blonde persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, the Blonde asked. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on the blonde, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, the Blonde dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife as well, and I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, blonde, long firm legs, huge tits and a very nice tight ass.
What's your wife look like?"
"Never mind, let's look for yours!"
The Federal Top Secrets How To Sell Idea To NASA
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
The Homosexual Lifestyle
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a U.S. radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show.
Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to
Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a
great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone
tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22
clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however,
regarding some of the other specific Bible laws and how to follow them:
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the
Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and
age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual
uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are
purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but
not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should
be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is
a lesser abomination than homosexuality? I don't agree. Can you settle this?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I
have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even
though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still
play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field,
as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).
He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of
getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death
at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again
for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to
Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a
great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone
tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22
clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however,
regarding some of the other specific Bible laws and how to follow them:
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the
Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and
age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual
uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are
purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but
not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should
be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is
a lesser abomination than homosexuality? I don't agree. Can you settle this?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I
have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even
though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still
play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field,
as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).
He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of
getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death
at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again
for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
The Top Secrets How To Have Mercedez Benz
Lady: Do you smoke ?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs of cigarettes per day?
Man: Usually about 5 packs
Lady: How much do you pay per packs ?
Man: IDR 10,000
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 40 years, I suppose
Lady: So a pack of sigaret costs IDR 10,000 and you have 5 packs a day which puts your spending each month at IDR 1,5 million. In one year, it would be IDR 18 Million correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend IDR 18 Million, not accounting for inflation, the past 40 years puts your spending at IDR 720 Million, correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you didn't smoke so much cigarettes, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 40 years, you could have now bought a New Mercedes Benz?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your New Benz?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs of cigarettes per day?
Man: Usually about 5 packs
Lady: How much do you pay per packs ?
Man: IDR 10,000
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 40 years, I suppose
Lady: So a pack of sigaret costs IDR 10,000 and you have 5 packs a day which puts your spending each month at IDR 1,5 million. In one year, it would be IDR 18 Million correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend IDR 18 Million, not accounting for inflation, the past 40 years puts your spending at IDR 720 Million, correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you didn't smoke so much cigarettes, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 40 years, you could have now bought a New Mercedes Benz?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your New Benz?
The Best Phone Answering Machine
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.
We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember.
I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave a message and if I don't call back, it's you.
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number
and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is supercilious.
"I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls. So just start talking and if you're
someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly,
and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Try the following next time the phone rings:
You (when you answer): Hello, is Jimmy there?
Caller: No, I'm afraid you have a wrong number.
You: Oh. Sorry.
Caller: No problem... (click)
We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember.
I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave a message and if I don't call back, it's you.
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number
and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is supercilious.
"I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls. So just start talking and if you're
someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly,
and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Try the following next time the phone rings:
You (when you answer): Hello, is Jimmy there?
Caller: No, I'm afraid you have a wrong number.
You: Oh. Sorry.
Caller: No problem... (click)
Jangan Pernah Paksa Anak Untuk Berdoa
"Jangan pernah memaksa anak untuk memimpin "doa"
Saat makan malam, seorang anak didesak untuk memimpin doa makan...
Anak : Tapi saya tidak tau bagaimana caranya berdoa
Ayah: doakan saja untuk semua anggota keluarga, teman dan tetangga, orang yg miskin, dll
Si anakpun mulai berdoa
Anak : "Tuhan yangg baik. Terima kasih untuk tamu-tamu yang berkunjung dan anak-anak mereka, yang menghabiskan semua kue dan es krimku.
Lindungilah mereka supaya lain kali mereka tidak datang lagi.
Ampuni anak tetangga kami yangg kemarin membuka semua pakaian kakak, dan bergulat dengan kakak diranjang kamar kakak
Tolong kirimkan pakaian untuk semua perempuan miskin telanjang yang ada di komputer ayahku.
Sediakanlah tempat berlindung untuk laki-laki tak punya rumah yang selalu gunakan kamar mama ketika ayah sedang pergi kerja
"AMIN "....
Saat makan malam, seorang anak didesak untuk memimpin doa makan...
Anak : Tapi saya tidak tau bagaimana caranya berdoa
Ayah: doakan saja untuk semua anggota keluarga, teman dan tetangga, orang yg miskin, dll
Si anakpun mulai berdoa
Anak : "Tuhan yangg baik. Terima kasih untuk tamu-tamu yang berkunjung dan anak-anak mereka, yang menghabiskan semua kue dan es krimku.
Lindungilah mereka supaya lain kali mereka tidak datang lagi.
Ampuni anak tetangga kami yangg kemarin membuka semua pakaian kakak, dan bergulat dengan kakak diranjang kamar kakak
Tolong kirimkan pakaian untuk semua perempuan miskin telanjang yang ada di komputer ayahku.
Sediakanlah tempat berlindung untuk laki-laki tak punya rumah yang selalu gunakan kamar mama ketika ayah sedang pergi kerja
"AMIN "....
Kegiatan Yang Harus Dilakukan saat Travelling ke Arab Saudi
Salim suatu kali pergi ke Arab. Spt orang Indonesia yg lain ia juga ikut tour naik onta.
Tidak spt onta di Indonesia ketika Salim bilang duduk, onta langsung duduk.
Tapi onta di Arab walaupun Salim sdh bilang: Duduk, Sit, jongkok, onta tetap berdiri.
Salim ga bisa naik.
Kata Pawang Onta(PO) : "Bilang dulu Assalammualaikum baru onta duduk.".
Salim bilang: "Assalamualaikum". Onta duduk, Salim kmd naik,onta langsung berdiri.
Salim bilang jalan jalan,onta tetap diam. Dipukul pukul punggungnya, onta tetap ga mau jalan.
Kata PO bilang dulu "Bismillah".
Salim bilang 'bismillah' onta jalan.
Salim senang jalan naik onta dgn PO jln disampingnya.
Tak lama kemudian Salim bilang: "PO gimana kalau ontanya suruh lari?".
Kata PO bilang aja 'Alhamdulilah'.
Salim: "Alhamdulilah". Onta berlari.
Salim senang sekali,saking senangnya
Salim bilang lagi 'Alhamdulilah', onta berlari tambah kencang.
PO makin ketinggalan.
Ketika sdh jauh PO ingat, belum memberi tahu caranya onta berhenti.
Dari jauh PO berteriak... Kalo mau berhenti bilang ' Innalillahi'
Sayang nya krn jauh Salim tdk mendengar. Onta berlari dgn kencang.
Akhirnya dikejauhan Salim melihat di depannya ada jurang yang dalam.
Salim ketakutan, dia mencoba menghentikan onta 'Stop,stop,stoooop,stooop, oop,oop!
Onta tetap berlari.......jurang terpampang didepan mata.
Mati gue ! Kata Salim.
Salim mengetahui dia akan jatuh kejurang dan mati dlm paniknya dia berteriak. "Innalillahi" ......sambil memejamkan mata pasrah...
Ciuuuuut onta berhenti... ketika membuka mata.... Salim melihat persis ditepi jurang...
Saking senangnya ga jadi mati Salim berteriak: "Alhamdullilah!"..........
Tidak spt onta di Indonesia ketika Salim bilang duduk, onta langsung duduk.
Tapi onta di Arab walaupun Salim sdh bilang: Duduk, Sit, jongkok, onta tetap berdiri.
Salim ga bisa naik.
Kata Pawang Onta(PO) : "Bilang dulu Assalammualaikum baru onta duduk.".
Salim bilang: "Assalamualaikum". Onta duduk, Salim kmd naik,onta langsung berdiri.
Salim bilang jalan jalan,onta tetap diam. Dipukul pukul punggungnya, onta tetap ga mau jalan.
Kata PO bilang dulu "Bismillah".
Salim bilang 'bismillah' onta jalan.
Salim senang jalan naik onta dgn PO jln disampingnya.
Tak lama kemudian Salim bilang: "PO gimana kalau ontanya suruh lari?".
Kata PO bilang aja 'Alhamdulilah'.
Salim: "Alhamdulilah". Onta berlari.
Salim senang sekali,saking senangnya
Salim bilang lagi 'Alhamdulilah', onta berlari tambah kencang.
PO makin ketinggalan.
Ketika sdh jauh PO ingat, belum memberi tahu caranya onta berhenti.
Dari jauh PO berteriak... Kalo mau berhenti bilang ' Innalillahi'
Sayang nya krn jauh Salim tdk mendengar. Onta berlari dgn kencang.
Akhirnya dikejauhan Salim melihat di depannya ada jurang yang dalam.
Salim ketakutan, dia mencoba menghentikan onta 'Stop,stop,stoooop,stooop, oop,oop!
Onta tetap berlari.......jurang terpampang didepan mata.
Mati gue ! Kata Salim.
Salim mengetahui dia akan jatuh kejurang dan mati dlm paniknya dia berteriak. "Innalillahi" ......sambil memejamkan mata pasrah...
Ciuuuuut onta berhenti... ketika membuka mata.... Salim melihat persis ditepi jurang...
Saking senangnya ga jadi mati Salim berteriak: "Alhamdullilah!"..........
Ciri Ciri Perempuan Yang Sudah Tidak Perawan
Hati-hati jika anda para lelaki,yang ingin mencari calon istri..harus di ketahui mana wanita yang perawan dan yang sudah tidak perawan..
1. DILIHAT DARI CARA BERJALAN !! --Wanita yg sudah tdk perawan akan terlihat saat wanita itu berjalan sambil menggendong anak nya.. (Itu sudah jelas kalo wanita itu sudah tidak perawan...)
2. SELALU MENGHINDAR SAAT DI TAKSIR COWOK !! --Bisa dibedakan mana yg perawan mana yg tidak perawan saat para cowok menyatakan cinta pada seorang wanita..tapi suami nya datang sambil marah''.. (Itu di pastikan wanita itu sudah tidak perawan !!)
3. DI LIHAT DARI BENTUK TUBUHNYA !! --Bentuk tubuh seorang wanita juga bisa di tentukan apakah wanita itu masih perawan atau tidak.. 'Jika perut nya buncit dlm beberapa bulan.. (Ini sudah jelas sekali kalo wanita itu sudah tidak perawan !!)
4. DILIHAT DARI LEHERNYA !! --Kalo yg satu ini harus bener'' teliti jika istri, Siapa tau wanita itu sudah tidak perawan lagi.. 'Jika terdapat tonjolan pada leher bagian depan .. (Bisa di pastikan dia bukan WANITA tapi WARIA...)
6. DI LIHAT DARI DADANYA !! --Di butuhkan nyali besarr utk melakukan nya..suruh teman untuk menelitinya.. Jika dadanya di pegang terasa keras dan berbulu.. (Itu tanda nya bukan wanita..tapi Laki''..!!!)
7. DILIHAT DARI CARA MEMBACA !! --Saking serius nya membaca possstingan ini.. Dia baru sadar kalo nomor 5 tidak ada !!
8. DILIHAT DARI CARA DIA KALO SUDAH BACA !! --Sadar kalo nomor 5 tdk ada,,,Dia langsung liat ke posst atas dan berkata ''ohh iyaa nomor 5 egg ada'' .. Habis itu nyengir unjuk gigi !! #hanya sekedar bahan untuk membuat tersenyum :D
1. DILIHAT DARI CARA BERJALAN !! --Wanita yg sudah tdk perawan akan terlihat saat wanita itu berjalan sambil menggendong anak nya.. (Itu sudah jelas kalo wanita itu sudah tidak perawan...)
2. SELALU MENGHINDAR SAAT DI TAKSIR COWOK !! --Bisa dibedakan mana yg perawan mana yg tidak perawan saat para cowok menyatakan cinta pada seorang wanita..tapi suami nya datang sambil marah''.. (Itu di pastikan wanita itu sudah tidak perawan !!)
3. DI LIHAT DARI BENTUK TUBUHNYA !! --Bentuk tubuh seorang wanita juga bisa di tentukan apakah wanita itu masih perawan atau tidak.. 'Jika perut nya buncit dlm beberapa bulan.. (Ini sudah jelas sekali kalo wanita itu sudah tidak perawan !!)
4. DILIHAT DARI LEHERNYA !! --Kalo yg satu ini harus bener'' teliti jika istri, Siapa tau wanita itu sudah tidak perawan lagi.. 'Jika terdapat tonjolan pada leher bagian depan .. (Bisa di pastikan dia bukan WANITA tapi WARIA...)
6. DI LIHAT DARI DADANYA !! --Di butuhkan nyali besarr utk melakukan nya..suruh teman untuk menelitinya.. Jika dadanya di pegang terasa keras dan berbulu.. (Itu tanda nya bukan wanita..tapi Laki''..!!!)
7. DILIHAT DARI CARA MEMBACA !! --Saking serius nya membaca possstingan ini.. Dia baru sadar kalo nomor 5 tidak ada !!
8. DILIHAT DARI CARA DIA KALO SUDAH BACA !! --Sadar kalo nomor 5 tdk ada,,,Dia langsung liat ke posst atas dan berkata ''ohh iyaa nomor 5 egg ada'' .. Habis itu nyengir unjuk gigi !! #hanya sekedar bahan untuk membuat tersenyum :D
Cara Makan Gratis Tanpa Perlu Bayar di Restoran
Alo so lapar skali, dia maso warong pesan nasi+ikan 3 piring.
Smntara makan tante di Kasir perhatikan pa Alo,
Alo tanya : "Tanta kyapa lia2 pa qta, naksir so?".
Tanta jawab : "Naksir apa jo? Ngana pe cara ba makang rupa Babi tau".
Mar Alo nda ambe pusing dia makan trus, pas selesai makang
Alo langsung jalan.. Trus Tanta bataria : Woi bayar dulu!!!!...
Alo brenti kong triak : Kyapaa..!! Ngana pernah lia dimana Babi abis makan bayar..???
Smntara makan tante di Kasir perhatikan pa Alo,
Alo tanya : "Tanta kyapa lia2 pa qta, naksir so?".
Tanta jawab : "Naksir apa jo? Ngana pe cara ba makang rupa Babi tau".
Mar Alo nda ambe pusing dia makan trus, pas selesai makang
Alo langsung jalan.. Trus Tanta bataria : Woi bayar dulu!!!!...
Alo brenti kong triak : Kyapaa..!! Ngana pernah lia dimana Babi abis makan bayar..???
Bagaimana Cara Mendapatkan Seks dari Sang Istri
Karena ngantuk yang amat berat, pas mau tidur, dan sudah pada pake selimut...tiba2, si istri nyeletuk ngomong...
Masss...dulu sebelum tidur, mas suka nge sun dulu..
+ iya..(trus dicium lah bibirnya, dan kembali tidur..)
eh si istri nyeletuk lagi..
- Masss..abis itu, akang suka gigit2 leher saya....
setengah jengkel si Mas nya bangkit dari tempat tidur...
- ehhh...Mas mau kemana ?
- pasang gigi, tau !!!!
Masss...dulu sebelum tidur, mas suka nge sun dulu..
+ iya..(trus dicium lah bibirnya, dan kembali tidur..)
eh si istri nyeletuk lagi..
- Masss..abis itu, akang suka gigit2 leher saya....
setengah jengkel si Mas nya bangkit dari tempat tidur...
- ehhh...Mas mau kemana ?
- pasang gigi, tau !!!!
SMS Mama Minta Pulsa dalam Berbagai Bahasa
Tolong beliin dulu mamah pulsa simpati 20rb
Ini nomornya….
Sekarang ya, penting banget
Ntar kalo dah masuk ama mamah di telp
Soalnya mama nge-sms minjam hape teman
Namun jika SMS penipuan tersebut dikirimkan menggunakan versi bahasa lain, sudah pernah belum?
India – Indo Version
He Tambi, kau pigi dulu beli mamak punya pulsa 20 ribu
Ini mamak punya nomor 081383506345
Ini penting punya, nanti klo ko orang udah kirim ko pigi telepon mamak
Ini mamak pinjam punya, orang punya hape buat pigi telepon punya
Chinese (Hokkien) Version
Tolong be ho mamak pulsa simpati no ban tun
Ini i e nomor 081383506345
Kong kim ya, ane yau kin nih
Tan kalo jip liau kha tien ho mamak
Soalnya mamak sms ciok peng yu e chiu tien
Jawa Version
Tulung tukoke mbok pulsa simpati rong pulu ewu
Iki nomore 081383506345
Saiki yo, penting banget
Ngko klo wes mlebuh pulsa ne, mbok ditelpun
Soale mbok sms njileng hape wong
Batak Version
Tolong tuhor jo omak pulsa 20 ribu, on nomorna
08138350635. Hatop da penting nian
Molong nga masuk talepon omak
Unang balas tu son, hape ni dongan do on
Sunda Version
Pangmeserkeun heula mamah pulsa simpati 20 ribu,
Ieu nomor na 081383506345 ayeuna nya penting pesan kin pm tos
Lowbatt ku mamah dibel, dam amah ge nga sms namut hp batur
Padang Version
Balian amak pulsa simpati ciek dih. Ko nomornyo
081383506345 Kini ko juo. Paralu bana.
Beko kok lah masuak, amak telp
Soalnyo kini amak ma-sms minjam hape urang ko ha.
Capek dih, mambana haa…
Ini nomornya….
Sekarang ya, penting banget
Ntar kalo dah masuk ama mamah di telp
Soalnya mama nge-sms minjam hape teman
Namun jika SMS penipuan tersebut dikirimkan menggunakan versi bahasa lain, sudah pernah belum?
India – Indo Version
He Tambi, kau pigi dulu beli mamak punya pulsa 20 ribu
Ini mamak punya nomor 081383506345
Ini penting punya, nanti klo ko orang udah kirim ko pigi telepon mamak
Ini mamak pinjam punya, orang punya hape buat pigi telepon punya
Chinese (Hokkien) Version
Tolong be ho mamak pulsa simpati no ban tun
Ini i e nomor 081383506345
Kong kim ya, ane yau kin nih
Tan kalo jip liau kha tien ho mamak
Soalnya mamak sms ciok peng yu e chiu tien
Jawa Version
Tulung tukoke mbok pulsa simpati rong pulu ewu
Iki nomore 081383506345
Saiki yo, penting banget
Ngko klo wes mlebuh pulsa ne, mbok ditelpun
Soale mbok sms njileng hape wong
Batak Version
Tolong tuhor jo omak pulsa 20 ribu, on nomorna
08138350635. Hatop da penting nian
Molong nga masuk talepon omak
Unang balas tu son, hape ni dongan do on
Sunda Version
Pangmeserkeun heula mamah pulsa simpati 20 ribu,
Ieu nomor na 081383506345 ayeuna nya penting pesan kin pm tos
Lowbatt ku mamah dibel, dam amah ge nga sms namut hp batur
Padang Version
Balian amak pulsa simpati ciek dih. Ko nomornyo
081383506345 Kini ko juo. Paralu bana.
Beko kok lah masuak, amak telp
Soalnyo kini amak ma-sms minjam hape urang ko ha.
Capek dih, mambana haa…
Rahasia Cara Mendapatkan Sepong dari Suster Perawat di Rumah Sakit
Suatu Hari se-Orang Engkong dirawat oleh suster Sherly di Rumah Sakit.Saat sedang nonton Film Barat Yg ada Adegan Mesranya. Sang Engkong berbicara pada suster Susan
Engkong :" Sus, Emuut Ontoll........
"Suster :" Hah....! nih Enkong Udah Bau tanah, masih aja Napsu..........
"Engkong :" *mau nangis* emut ontol.. emuut ontooll :(Suster pun merasa kasihan................
Setelah melihat sekeliling, tak ada Orang akhirnya dia menuruti keinginan si Engkong. Engkong Hanya terdiam melihat Aksi suster.
Engkong :" Emut ontoll.. emutt ontol...
"Suster :" *Marah* heh.. kong... LuH..!! itu udah Bau tanah. dikasih hati malah minta jantung. Dasar Engkong Bejat...............
"Mendengar suster Yg Ribut-2, cucu Engkong bernama Andi masuk dan bertanya........
Andy :" ada apa ni ribut2, Sus........!!!??
"Suster :" Tanya aja tuh ama Engkong loH... !!
"Andy :" Ada apa Kong?
"Engkong :" Emuut ontoll, cu................!
"Andy :" Ooh... REMOTE CONTROLL......... Mau gedein Volumenyua ...Ya ?
."Suster : *PINGSAN*
Engkong :" Sus, Emuut Ontoll........
"Suster :" Hah....! nih Enkong Udah Bau tanah, masih aja Napsu..........
"Engkong :" *mau nangis* emut ontol.. emuut ontooll :(Suster pun merasa kasihan................
Setelah melihat sekeliling, tak ada Orang akhirnya dia menuruti keinginan si Engkong. Engkong Hanya terdiam melihat Aksi suster.
Engkong :" Emut ontoll.. emutt ontol...
"Suster :" *Marah* heh.. kong... LuH..!! itu udah Bau tanah. dikasih hati malah minta jantung. Dasar Engkong Bejat...............
"Mendengar suster Yg Ribut-2, cucu Engkong bernama Andi masuk dan bertanya........
Andy :" ada apa ni ribut2, Sus........!!!??
"Suster :" Tanya aja tuh ama Engkong loH... !!
"Andy :" Ada apa Kong?
"Engkong :" Emuut ontoll, cu................!
"Andy :" Ooh... REMOTE CONTROLL......... Mau gedein Volumenyua ...Ya ?
."Suster : *PINGSAN*
Cara Nonton Gratis di Bioskop
Isuk2 jam 8 telfone muni nang meja loket bioskop..
Kartam: "Halo, halo kang, aku arep takon kihh.., bioskop bukak jam pira?"
Petugas : "Jam 1 kang"
Kartam: "Lho apa ora di bukak jam 9 wae?"
Penjaga: "Ora kang, pas jam 1 bukake"
(Pas jam 11, telpon muni meneh)
Kartam: "Halo, halo kang, bioskop bukak'e jam pira to?"
Penjaga: "Kowe sing mau nilpun ya? Wong uwis diomongi bukake jam 1 kok ngeyell"
Kartam: "Jam 12 wae kang"
Penjaga: "Ora isooo, iki dudu bioskope mbahmuu.."
Kartam: "Ya ngenyang sithiik lah, bukak jam setengah 1 ya"
Penjaga (mulai nesu): "jane ngapa to kowe, angger aku muni ora ya ora, apa kowe arep nonton meneh..? Kayane kok ora sabaran tenan!"
Kartam (karo mbengok2):
"Iki aku kekancingan nang njero kang, mau bengi bubaran pilem aku ki keturon raeneng sing nggugah. Tulung bukakna lawange kang..!!!"
Penjaga: "La mbok ngomong kit mau...!!! Gemblung.."
Kartam: "Halo, halo kang, aku arep takon kihh.., bioskop bukak jam pira?"
Petugas : "Jam 1 kang"
Kartam: "Lho apa ora di bukak jam 9 wae?"
Penjaga: "Ora kang, pas jam 1 bukake"
(Pas jam 11, telpon muni meneh)
Kartam: "Halo, halo kang, bioskop bukak'e jam pira to?"
Penjaga: "Kowe sing mau nilpun ya? Wong uwis diomongi bukake jam 1 kok ngeyell"
Kartam: "Jam 12 wae kang"
Penjaga: "Ora isooo, iki dudu bioskope mbahmuu.."
Kartam: "Ya ngenyang sithiik lah, bukak jam setengah 1 ya"
Penjaga (mulai nesu): "jane ngapa to kowe, angger aku muni ora ya ora, apa kowe arep nonton meneh..? Kayane kok ora sabaran tenan!"
Kartam (karo mbengok2):
"Iki aku kekancingan nang njero kang, mau bengi bubaran pilem aku ki keturon raeneng sing nggugah. Tulung bukakna lawange kang..!!!"
Penjaga: "La mbok ngomong kit mau...!!! Gemblung.."
Lowongan Gaji Tinggi jadi TKI di Arab Saudi
Surti kaget menemukan sahabatnya Mariem yg seharusnya menjadi TKI di Saudi, ada di kampungnya.
"
Mar, lha kok kowe nang kene? Bukannya harusnya kamu di Arab ?"
" Lha nyong dipecat karo juragane nyong"
" Ha? Ana apa urusane kok dipecat ?"
" Soale nyong nabrakke mobile juragane nyong,son. Pas bawa mobil ada batu ditengah jalan. Guedhe,son. Juragane nyong bengak bengok ' Hajaaar haajaaar '...ya nyong hajar watune. Mobile rusaak. Eee nyong malah dipecat.
* Hajar (bahasa Arab) = Batu
"
Mar, lha kok kowe nang kene? Bukannya harusnya kamu di Arab ?"
" Lha nyong dipecat karo juragane nyong"
" Ha? Ana apa urusane kok dipecat ?"
" Soale nyong nabrakke mobile juragane nyong,son. Pas bawa mobil ada batu ditengah jalan. Guedhe,son. Juragane nyong bengak bengok ' Hajaaar haajaaar '...ya nyong hajar watune. Mobile rusaak. Eee nyong malah dipecat.
* Hajar (bahasa Arab) = Batu
The World's Strangest Love Story
Redneck family tree
Many, many years ago
When I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow
Who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a daughter
Who had hair of red
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mom.
And it surely makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!
Many, many years ago
When I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow
Who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a daughter
Who had hair of red
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mom.
And it surely makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!
How to Stare at Girls' Breasts or Cleavage without Getting Angry
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.
She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, looked her up and down, and smiling said, "Nice boobs."
She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, looked her up and down, and smiling said, "Nice boobs."
The Most Wanted Secret How to Reduce, Prevent, and Cope with Stress
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because: Millions on welfare depend on me!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather....not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test: and the results were.. Negative.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I have a degree in liberal arts - Do you want fries with that?
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
I work hard because: Millions on welfare depend on me!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather....not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test: and the results were.. Negative.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I have a degree in liberal arts - Do you want fries with that?
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
How to Get Your Wife to Have Sex With Others
There were these twins, Jim and John. Jim was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Jim's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."
Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottoms was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish.
She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle"
The old woman fainted.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."
Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottoms was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish.
She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle"
The old woman fainted.
The Romantic Sex Story
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you,because I can't forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.
Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you.......
you stupid mosquito
You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.
Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you.......
you stupid mosquito
How To Make A Woman Have Sex With You With Only A Dollar
The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper.
The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me fuck you for a dollar?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.
A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me fuck you for a million dollars?"
After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would."
Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me fuck you for five dollars?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"
The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me fuck you for a dollar?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.
A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me fuck you for a million dollars?"
After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would."
Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me fuck you for five dollars?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"
The Best Punishment for A Man Who Cheating with Your Wife
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man.
Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."
Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."
How to Get Bigger Breasts Easily
A man's wife was standing in front of a mirror with tears in her eyes.
The man asked her what was wrong. "My breasts are too small, and I don't know what to do about it," she replied.
"Well, that's easily remedied," said the man,
"all you have to do is rub some toilet paper in between them."
"Really?" his wife said.
"Toilet paper? Do you think it will work?"
"Of course," the man said.
"It sure worked for your ass."
The man asked her what was wrong. "My breasts are too small, and I don't know what to do about it," she replied.
"Well, that's easily remedied," said the man,
"all you have to do is rub some toilet paper in between them."
"Really?" his wife said.
"Toilet paper? Do you think it will work?"
"Of course," the man said.
"It sure worked for your ass."
The Women's Secret Code! - Cracked and Hacked
After careful research and study. I think I may have cracked the woman's secret code.
Subject: 13 Things PMS stands for
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
And my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect
THE HORMONE WARNING:
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.
And remember: Money talks.... But Chocolate sings
In conclusion. I have determed. that this study could be a hazard to my health and sex life. So no farther research will be conducted. (By order of the wife with a really REALLY heavy frying pan standing over me)
Subject: 13 Things PMS stands for
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
And my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect
THE HORMONE WARNING:
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.
And remember: Money talks.... But Chocolate sings
In conclusion. I have determed. that this study could be a hazard to my health and sex life. So no farther research will be conducted. (By order of the wife with a really REALLY heavy frying pan standing over me)
The Most Wanted Secret How To Have A Sexual Relationship With Celebrity
A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum.
Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks. Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other’s needs.
Heidi was game, and a very nice sexual relationship began.
After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said, “I have a problem…It’s kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor.” Heidi replied, “Okay,” to which he asked, “Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?”
Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged. The guy then asked, “Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?” Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.
Then the guy said, “Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man.”
Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes. Finally, the guy said to
Heidi, “Do you mind if I call you Phil?” Heidi had now become very dejected, and said “No, I guess not, you can call me Phil.”
So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted “Phil, you won’t believe who I have been sleeping with!”
Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks. Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other’s needs.
Heidi was game, and a very nice sexual relationship began.
After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said, “I have a problem…It’s kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor.” Heidi replied, “Okay,” to which he asked, “Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?”
Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged. The guy then asked, “Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?” Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.
Then the guy said, “Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man.”
Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes. Finally, the guy said to
Heidi, “Do you mind if I call you Phil?” Heidi had now become very dejected, and said “No, I guess not, you can call me Phil.”
So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted “Phil, you won’t believe who I have been sleeping with!”
The Big Secret How To Make Company Policies
Start with a cage containing five apes.
In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it.
Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.
After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts.
Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it.
Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one.
The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs.
To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.
The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.
Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?
Because that's the way they've always done it and that's the way it's always been around here.
And that's how company policy begins....
In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it.
Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.
After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts.
Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it.
Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one.
The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs.
To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.
The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.
Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?
Because that's the way they've always done it and that's the way it's always been around here.
And that's how company policy begins....
How To Become Rectum Stretcher
While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over) I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop said "What? ... a rectum stretcher?, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."
The ticket - - $95.00
The look on his face - - PRICELESS
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop said "What? ... a rectum stretcher?, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."
The ticket - - $95.00
The look on his face - - PRICELESS
The Real Secret How To Make a Proud Man Apologize?
You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable.
Several months ago, scientists at Europe's annual human reproduction conference suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men into women.
To test this theory, 100 men were each fed six pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100 per cent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
Several months ago, scientists at Europe's annual human reproduction conference suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men into women.
To test this theory, 100 men were each fed six pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100 per cent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
Read This Before You Get Married
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
I hurt my back the other day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.
I was walking my dog around my building this morning....on the ledge.....
see some people are afraid of heights....I'm afraid of widths.
My wife has a king-size bed. I have a court jester size bed......
the ends curl up and have little bells on them.
This morning my wife leans over to me and says "Did you sleep good?"
I said....no...I made a few mistakes.
So before I left on this tour my wife stopped me and she asked me
"So how long are you going to be gone on this tour" and I was like....
"The whole time"....
You should never wave at someone you don't know cause what if they don't have a hand?
Then they'll think you're cocky. Look at what I got motherfucka. This shit is useful.
I think I'll go pick something up.
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
I hurt my back the other day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.
I was walking my dog around my building this morning....on the ledge.....
see some people are afraid of heights....I'm afraid of widths.
My wife has a king-size bed. I have a court jester size bed......
the ends curl up and have little bells on them.
This morning my wife leans over to me and says "Did you sleep good?"
I said....no...I made a few mistakes.
So before I left on this tour my wife stopped me and she asked me
"So how long are you going to be gone on this tour" and I was like....
"The whole time"....
You should never wave at someone you don't know cause what if they don't have a hand?
Then they'll think you're cocky. Look at what I got motherfucka. This shit is useful.
I think I'll go pick something up.
The Secrets Dictionary of Women and Men
Womens English
1. YES = NO
2. NO = YES
3. MAYBE = NO
4. WE NEED = I WANT
5. I AM SORRY = YOU'LL BE SORRY
6. WE NEED TO TALK = I NEED TO COMPLAIN
7. SURE, GO AHEAD = I DONT WANT YOU TO
8. DO WHAT YOU WANT = YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS LATER
9. I AM NOT UPSET = OF COURSE I'M UPSET YOU MORON!
10. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? = TOO LATE, YOU'RE DEAD
11. YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO COMMUNICATE = JUST AGREE WITH ME
12. YOU'RE SO MANLY = YOU NEED TO SHAVE AND YOU SWEAT ALOT
13. BE ROMANTIC TURN OUT THE LIGHTS = I HAVE FLABBY THIGHS
14. DO YOU LOVE ME? = I AM GOING TO ASK FOR SOMETHING EXPENCIVE
15. IT'S YOUR DECISION = THE CORRECT DECISION SHOULD BE OBVIOUS BY NOW
16. YOU'RE CERTAINLY ATTENTIVE TONIGHT = IS SEX ALL YOU EVER THINK ABOUT
17. I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE = KICK OFF YOUR SHOES AND FIND A GOOD GAME ON TV
18. HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE ME? = I DID SOMETHING TODAY THAT YOUR REALLY NOT GOING TO LIKE
Men's English
1. I AM HUNGRY = I AM HUNGRY
2. I AM SLEEPY = I AM SLEEPY
3. I AM TIRED = I AM TIRED
4. NICE DRESS = NICE CLEAVAGE
5. I LOVE YOU = LET'S HAVE SEX NOW
6. I AM BORED = DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX?
7. WHAT'S WRONG? = I GUESS SEX IS OUT OF THE QUESTION
8. MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE? = I'D LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU
9. CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME? = I'D LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU
10. DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE? = I'D LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU
11.CAN I TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER? = I'D LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU
12. WILL YOU MARRY ME? = I WANT TO MAKE IT ILLEGAL FOR OTHER MEN TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU
13. YOU LOOK TENSE, LET ME GIVE YOU A MESSAGE = I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU WINTHIN THE NEXT 3 MINUTES
14. LET'S TALK = I AM TRYING TO IMPRESS YOU BY SHOWING THAT I AM A DEEP PERSON AND I'D LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU
15. I DON'T THINK THOSE SHOES GO WITH THAT OUTFIT = I'M GAY
1. YES = NO
2. NO = YES
3. MAYBE = NO
4. WE NEED = I WANT
5. I AM SORRY = YOU'LL BE SORRY
6. WE NEED TO TALK = I NEED TO COMPLAIN
7. SURE, GO AHEAD = I DONT WANT YOU TO
8. DO WHAT YOU WANT = YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS LATER
9. I AM NOT UPSET = OF COURSE I'M UPSET YOU MORON!
10. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? = TOO LATE, YOU'RE DEAD
11. YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO COMMUNICATE = JUST AGREE WITH ME
12. YOU'RE SO MANLY = YOU NEED TO SHAVE AND YOU SWEAT ALOT
13. BE ROMANTIC TURN OUT THE LIGHTS = I HAVE FLABBY THIGHS
14. DO YOU LOVE ME? = I AM GOING TO ASK FOR SOMETHING EXPENCIVE
15. IT'S YOUR DECISION = THE CORRECT DECISION SHOULD BE OBVIOUS BY NOW
16. YOU'RE CERTAINLY ATTENTIVE TONIGHT = IS SEX ALL YOU EVER THINK ABOUT
17. I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE = KICK OFF YOUR SHOES AND FIND A GOOD GAME ON TV
18. HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE ME? = I DID SOMETHING TODAY THAT YOUR REALLY NOT GOING TO LIKE
Men's English
1. I AM HUNGRY = I AM HUNGRY
2. I AM SLEEPY = I AM SLEEPY
3. I AM TIRED = I AM TIRED
4. NICE DRESS = NICE CLEAVAGE
5. I LOVE YOU = LET'S HAVE SEX NOW
6. I AM BORED = DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX?
7. WHAT'S WRONG? = I GUESS SEX IS OUT OF THE QUESTION
8. MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE? = I'D LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU
9. CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME? = I'D LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU
10. DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE? = I'D LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU
11.CAN I TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER? = I'D LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU
12. WILL YOU MARRY ME? = I WANT TO MAKE IT ILLEGAL FOR OTHER MEN TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU
13. YOU LOOK TENSE, LET ME GIVE YOU A MESSAGE = I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU WINTHIN THE NEXT 3 MINUTES
14. LET'S TALK = I AM TRYING TO IMPRESS YOU BY SHOWING THAT I AM A DEEP PERSON AND I'D LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU
15. I DON'T THINK THOSE SHOES GO WITH THAT OUTFIT = I'M GAY
How To Have Sex In The Kitchen
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
Housework done properly can kill you.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
Sex in the Kitchen? No Way Just "Blend" your own coffee cream!!
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
Housework done properly can kill you.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
Sex in the Kitchen? No Way Just "Blend" your own coffee cream!!
Ten Commandments for College Students
Student was searching for divine inspiration.
Student walked high on the mountain of knowledge and came across God.
Student asked God how to live life as a college kid should.
And God said unto him, follow these Ten Commandments and you shall be all a college kid is.
And Student thanked God and it was good. And Student spread the Ten Commandments of College to all.
I- Thou Shalt Nap
And God gave unto Student a great gift, the gift of napping.
God said to him, You shall spend half your day napping. You shall nap in class, in your room and in your friend’s room.
And God said, if you don’t nap, you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student said, Nap I shall, and it was good.
II- Thou Shalt Get Sick All the Time
Now God said to Student, you must be sick all of the time.
And student said why. And God said unto him, you shall share drinks, stay up too late, drink too much and make out with people you don’t know. Therefore, God said, you shall be sick all year round. But God said, blessed are the sick for they have partied the hardest. And it was good.
III- Thou Shalt Write Witty Away Messages
Student asked, but God, how will I show everyone that I am funny? And God said unto him, thou shall write witty away messages. God said to student, you shall never just say you are in the shower, you shall say you are getting wet and wild…in the shower. You shall never say you are at class, you shall say you are sleeping…in class. God said, if you do not write witty away messages, I shall smite you.
Blessed are the funny, for they will get many girls to be their friends but never hook up with them. And it was
good.
IV- Thou Shalt Wear a Hoodie
And then Student asked God, God how do I look like a college kid. And God said unto student, you must wear a hoodie, for it is a useful garment. And you shall never wash it either.
Student asked God what kind of Hoodie should it be and God said, you shall own one with your school’s logo on it and you shall own many others of varying colors and creeds. And Student was pleased and God was pleased.
V- Thou Shalt Shit a Lot
And Student asked of his bathroom habit and God told him, Student, you shall eat in the Cafeteria and you shall shit a lot. And it will not be good shit, it will be the shit of the devil for your ass shall burn for hours. Your school shall put laxatives in their food and you shall feel their pain.
And Student began to weep, and God said unto him, Student, fear not the shit, for all your fellow students will be experiencing the same. And Student dried his eyes and thanked God and God told him to use wet naps to ease the pain.
VI- Thou Shalt Eat EasyMac
Student asked unto God if there was any alternatives to the cafeteria, and God said to him, you shall eat a lot of EasyMac.
It is easy to make and you don’t need milk or a stove. And student said microwaves were forbidden by the RA. And God said to him, you shall hide the microwave under your bed with a towel on top. And Student asked, what if it is discovered. And God told him to stop being such a pussy, and it was good.
VII- Thou Shalt Hook Up
Student then asked of sex. And God said, Student, you shall hook up and be happy. You shall go home with random people every weekend and forget about them the next day. You shall see them at class and be awkward amongst their company. You shall exchange saliva at bars and parties and it will be good.
And Student became gleeful and God told Student to wrap it up because He knows where she has been, but Student does not.
VIII- Thou Shalt Join a Club and Never Go to Meetings Student inquired of his spare time and God reminded him that he should be napping. But Student said he wanted to do other things.
So God said unto him, you shall join a club at the beginning of the semester, but then never go to meetings. And Student asked why he should not go to meetings, and God told him, because the glee club is gay. And Student understood His wisdom.
IX- Thou Shalt Wake Up Confused
God said to Student, there will come many a day when you shall wake up in the bed of another and not know where you are.
You will not remember what you did last night and you shall be confused. You will see that you have nipple rings and a tattoo now and are covered in Sharpie. And Student was disturbed by this, but God said, you shall tell great stories about it to your friends someday. And Student understood and God took a sip of a beer.
And God gave Student the final Commandment
X- Thou Shalt Gain Weight
And Student wished to hear the final commandment and God said he would not like it. But Student insisted, so God said unto him, you shall gain weight. However, God said, you will not buy new clothes, so you will wear sweat pants a lot. God said, Student, you will watch a lot of TV and become fat to which Student wept profusely. But God comforted Student saying, you will still get ass even if you cannot tie your shoes anymore. Student felt better and God pointed to Student’s chest saying, those will soon be bitch tits. And it was good.
This is the word of God, follow the Ten Commandments of College or you will be smote!
Student walked high on the mountain of knowledge and came across God.
Student asked God how to live life as a college kid should.
And God said unto him, follow these Ten Commandments and you shall be all a college kid is.
And Student thanked God and it was good. And Student spread the Ten Commandments of College to all.
I- Thou Shalt Nap
And God gave unto Student a great gift, the gift of napping.
God said to him, You shall spend half your day napping. You shall nap in class, in your room and in your friend’s room.
And God said, if you don’t nap, you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student said, Nap I shall, and it was good.
II- Thou Shalt Get Sick All the Time
Now God said to Student, you must be sick all of the time.
And student said why. And God said unto him, you shall share drinks, stay up too late, drink too much and make out with people you don’t know. Therefore, God said, you shall be sick all year round. But God said, blessed are the sick for they have partied the hardest. And it was good.
III- Thou Shalt Write Witty Away Messages
Student asked, but God, how will I show everyone that I am funny? And God said unto him, thou shall write witty away messages. God said to student, you shall never just say you are in the shower, you shall say you are getting wet and wild…in the shower. You shall never say you are at class, you shall say you are sleeping…in class. God said, if you do not write witty away messages, I shall smite you.
Blessed are the funny, for they will get many girls to be their friends but never hook up with them. And it was
good.
IV- Thou Shalt Wear a Hoodie
And then Student asked God, God how do I look like a college kid. And God said unto student, you must wear a hoodie, for it is a useful garment. And you shall never wash it either.
Student asked God what kind of Hoodie should it be and God said, you shall own one with your school’s logo on it and you shall own many others of varying colors and creeds. And Student was pleased and God was pleased.
V- Thou Shalt Shit a Lot
And Student asked of his bathroom habit and God told him, Student, you shall eat in the Cafeteria and you shall shit a lot. And it will not be good shit, it will be the shit of the devil for your ass shall burn for hours. Your school shall put laxatives in their food and you shall feel their pain.
And Student began to weep, and God said unto him, Student, fear not the shit, for all your fellow students will be experiencing the same. And Student dried his eyes and thanked God and God told him to use wet naps to ease the pain.
VI- Thou Shalt Eat EasyMac
Student asked unto God if there was any alternatives to the cafeteria, and God said to him, you shall eat a lot of EasyMac.
It is easy to make and you don’t need milk or a stove. And student said microwaves were forbidden by the RA. And God said to him, you shall hide the microwave under your bed with a towel on top. And Student asked, what if it is discovered. And God told him to stop being such a pussy, and it was good.
VII- Thou Shalt Hook Up
Student then asked of sex. And God said, Student, you shall hook up and be happy. You shall go home with random people every weekend and forget about them the next day. You shall see them at class and be awkward amongst their company. You shall exchange saliva at bars and parties and it will be good.
And Student became gleeful and God told Student to wrap it up because He knows where she has been, but Student does not.
VIII- Thou Shalt Join a Club and Never Go to Meetings Student inquired of his spare time and God reminded him that he should be napping. But Student said he wanted to do other things.
So God said unto him, you shall join a club at the beginning of the semester, but then never go to meetings. And Student asked why he should not go to meetings, and God told him, because the glee club is gay. And Student understood His wisdom.
IX- Thou Shalt Wake Up Confused
God said to Student, there will come many a day when you shall wake up in the bed of another and not know where you are.
You will not remember what you did last night and you shall be confused. You will see that you have nipple rings and a tattoo now and are covered in Sharpie. And Student was disturbed by this, but God said, you shall tell great stories about it to your friends someday. And Student understood and God took a sip of a beer.
And God gave Student the final Commandment
X- Thou Shalt Gain Weight
And Student wished to hear the final commandment and God said he would not like it. But Student insisted, so God said unto him, you shall gain weight. However, God said, you will not buy new clothes, so you will wear sweat pants a lot. God said, Student, you will watch a lot of TV and become fat to which Student wept profusely. But God comforted Student saying, you will still get ass even if you cannot tie your shoes anymore. Student felt better and God pointed to Student’s chest saying, those will soon be bitch tits. And it was good.
This is the word of God, follow the Ten Commandments of College or you will be smote!
How To Become Genius Like Albert Einstein
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
How A Man See A Pussy
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man.
"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man.
"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
The Top Secret How To Get Cured From Arthritis
Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it.
Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing.
One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"
Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently...
They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!
The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close!
We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".
So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.
"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked.
The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?" The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.
The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat was really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I had him tied to this big, old cinder block."
Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing.
One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"
Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently...
They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!
The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close!
We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".
So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.
"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked.
The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?" The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.
The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat was really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I had him tied to this big, old cinder block."
The Best Diet Tips in The World
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
How To Hanging Someone to Death Without Going To Jail
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...........How soon can I go home?"
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...........How soon can I go home?"
The Top Secrets How TO Detect HIV
Mr. Smith calls the MD for his wife's test results. The lab tech says,
"Sorry, sir, but there has been a mix-up. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's.
Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"
"What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith.
Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other Mrs.Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
That's terrible!" said Mr. Smith. "Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have Blue Cross Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith.
"Blue Cross Health Care recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
"Sorry, sir, but there has been a mix-up. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's.
Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"
"What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith.
Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other Mrs.Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
That's terrible!" said Mr. Smith. "Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have Blue Cross Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith.
"Blue Cross Health Care recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
How To Make Your Wife Happy and Healthy
How to get none....
A Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby".
She turns to her husband and says: "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself".
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice: "well ... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
A Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby".
She turns to her husband and says: "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself".
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice: "well ... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
How To Get Sex Whenever You Want
"DEAF MARRIAGE"
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, "reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two hundred and fifty times."
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, "reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two hundred and fifty times."
The Reasons Why You Should Never Bring Your Girlfriend Watch Football Game
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind the bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What the hell are you talking about?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What the hell are you talking about?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
The Most Popular Sex Questions
Q. What doesn't belong in this list:
Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.
Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.
Q. Whats the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.
Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermits Finger
Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.
Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.
Q. Whats the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.
Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermits Finger
Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
The Best Way How to Use a Dildo
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter..
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Dddoooyouuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuu.......inggg ttthingggg offffff?"
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter..
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Dddoooyouuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuu.......inggg ttthingggg offffff?"
How To Get Whatever You Want
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.
The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!
The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
"Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.
The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!
The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
"Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
How To Fuck Someone's WIfe Without Getting Caught
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!
The Best Questions All Over The World
QUESTIONS
1. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?
2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
5. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
7. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
10. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
11. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
13. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
15. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
16. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
17. "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."
20. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
23. What's another word for thesaurus?
25. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
31. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
32. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
33. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
34. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
35. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
36. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
37. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
1. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?
2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
5. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
7. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
10. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
11. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
13. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
15. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
16. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
17. "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."
20. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
23. What's another word for thesaurus?
25. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
31. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
32. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
33. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
34. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
35. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
36. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
37. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
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