Fun Fun Fun: 2012

Kabinet Indonesia Ala Rhoma Irama

Setelah abang RHOMA IRAMA terpilih menjadi Presiden RI 2014 maka dibentuklah KABINET INDONESIA YANG BARU :

1. Menteri Pertahanan : MERIAM Belina.
2. Menteri Kehutanan: TARZAN.
3. Menteri Perikanan dan Kelautan: Tukul ARWANA.
4. Menteri BUMN: Julia PERES (biar ngak diperes).
5. Menteri Pertanian: BIBIT Waluya
6. Menteri Kehakiman: Cristine HAKIM.
7. Menteri Peranan Wanita: Ayu TING-TING (perawan terus).
8. Menteri dalam Negeri: Parto TEGAL.
9. Menteri Pendidikan: Joko BODO.
10. Menteri Pariwisata: GARUDA Nusantara.
11. Menteri Pertambangan & ESDM : Mat SOLAR.
12. Menteri Kom Informasi dan Telkom Luna MAYA.
13. Menteri Agama: SJECH PUJI
14. Menpora : HERCULES
15. Menteri Lingkungan Hidup: Trio MACAN.
16. Menteri Urusan Seni Budaya : VERONIKA

SELANJUTNYA:
1. Lembur akan dilarang, karena "BEGADANG" tiada artiny
2. Buat PNS, PP larangan poligami dicabut
3. Akan ada tunjangan istri I, II, III, dan IV
4. Presiden akan sering "BERKELANA", bahkan sampai 3 kali
4. Kredibilitas Indonesia dimata negara donor meningkat dg strategi "GALI LUBANG TUTUP LUBANG"
5. Penduduk Indonesia tetap "135 juta"
6. Kata "prihatin" hilang, berganti "THERLALHU"
7. BNN berubah jadi BAM = Badan Anti Mirasantika
8. Diusulkan mjd pahlawan "KSATRIA BERGITAR"
9. TNI berubah kembali jd ABRI = Anak Buah Rhoma Irama

Kisah-kisah Lucu di Sekolah

Curhat Bupati Garut Aceng

Pernikahan yg hanya 4 hr aku rajut, kini mulai disangkut paut,
sbg skandal yg menurutku gak perlu diribut, ini pasti ada yg menghasut, dlm arena politik wajar kl saling sikut dan saling hasut, agar aku lengser dr Bupati Garut, tapi aku gak akan beringsut, walau terjadi kemelut.

Awalnya aku kepincut oleh Fani Oktora yg lemah lembut,
Orgnya ramah gak pernah cemberut dan suka makan tutut.

Dia terlihat spt gadis penurut,
kalo diajak bicara dia selalu manggut-manggut, tapi sayang dirinya robek di bgn selaput, mungkin sblm aku sdh ada yg merenggut, begitupun sakit polionya yg mulai akut, sampai masalah bau mulut, sungguh tak patut, jadi wajar kl dia aku luput, ikrar janji suci pernikahanpun aku cabut...

Tuhan…aku skrg sdh mulai takut,
krn kasusku terus diusut,
skrg aku mulai tersudut,
tidak hanya pihak Fani yg menuntut, tapi masyarakat luaspun ikut tersulut, berat badanku yg dulu agak gendut, skrg sdh mulai beringsut surut, memikirkan nasib karir politikku yg mulai semrawut, pikiranku semakin kusut, pekerjaanku semakin carut marut, bisa saja aku menjadi bangkrut, skrg aku bisanya cuma kentut dan kentut, jantungku sdh mulai lamban berdenyut, semoga saja aku gak sampai semaput, apalagi dijemput malaikat maut, namun aku harus tetap chemungut.

Tuhan…maafkan aku krn ajaranmu tak kuanut, hingga aku tak bisa menjaga ini perkutut, shg dia bebas terbang ke mana dia ingin bergelayut dan memagut.

Benar firman Tuhan, akan terjadi petaka kl kita tak bisa menjaga benda yg di bawah perut, di atas lutut, benda yg mirip liliput, yaitu iwak belut...

Keberatan atas redenominasi 1000 jadi 1

Menyambung rencana redenominasi yang akan dilaksanakan Pemerintah : Beberapa orang keberatan dengan redenominasi 1000 jadi 1 . Berikut keberatan mereka :

1. Bupati Pulau Seribu keberatan kalau menjadi Bupati Pulau Satu.

2. Marga Pasaribu keberatan menjadi Marga Pasatu.

3. Ahli bahasa tidak setuju kalau ungkapan 'mengambil langkah seribu' menjadi 'mengambil langkah satu'. Atau 'seribu janji' menjadi 'satu janji'.

4. Sastrawan keberatan kalau sajak Chairil Anwar yg berbunyi 'aku ingin hidup seribu tahun lagi' diganti jadi 'aku ingin hidup satu tahun lagi'.

5. Para da'i sejuta umat tidak mau diganti jadi da'i seribu umat.

6. Biolog tidak setuju ikan seribu dan binatang kaki seribu diganti menjadi ikan satu dan binatang kaki satu.

7, Titiek Puspa keberatan kalau lirik lagu 'jatuh cinta sejuta rasanya' diganti jadi hanya 'seribu rasanya'.

8. Para artis tidak setuju acara malam sejuta bintang dikurangi jadi malam seribu bintang.

9. Para jutawan tidak mau disebut ribuwan.

10. Masyarakat Jawa Tengah dan Jawa Timur tidak mau mengganti 'nyuwun sewu' jadi 'nyuwun setunggal'.

11. Teks pidato yg berisi ungkapan 'beribu-ribu maaf' sulit diubah jadi 'bersatu - satu maaf'.

Cara Mengetahui Bahwa Anda Sudah Mulai Menua

Tanda-Tanda TUA

- Dulu sering gandeng perawan..... Begitu tua sering di gandeng perawat..

- Dulu senengnya cewek manis...... Begitu tua kencing manis...

- Dulu tidur, hidung ketemu hidung........ Begitu tua punggung ketemu punggung..

- Dulu rajin pake minyak wangi....... Begitu tua rajin pake minyak angin..

- Dulu 4 kali seminggu........ Begitu tua...4 minggu sekali....(Kecewa dech)

- Dulu di suruh tidur, bangun terus...... Begitu tua di suruh bangun, tidur terus..

- Dulu rajin ke diskotik......Begitu tua rajin ke apotik...

- Dulu sering mimpi basah......... Begitu tua sering kentut basah..

- Dulu pemburu NIKMAT........ Begitu tua di buru MALAIKAT..

- Dulu kalo baca yang beginian ketawa....... Begitu tua kalo baca yang beginian prihatin..

KONDISI DAH GINI..... MAU DIAPAIN LAGI, DI SERVICE KAGAK BISA, TUKAR TAMBAH JUGA KAGAK BISA..... NASIB...NASIB...

Cara Jitu Menjadi Calon Gubernur dan Calon Wakil Gubernur

Cagub / cawagub jabar tukang obat semua,

Dede yusup wakil bodrex,
Diah pitaloka wakil kuku bima,
Deddy mizwar wakil promag,

Silahkan memilih tergantung sakitnya : yg sering sakit kepala colok dede yusup, yg sering lemas dan letih silahkan colok si oneng dan yg gak pernah makan atau sakit maag colok deddy mizwar ....

silahkan ..dipilih...dipilih ...sakit apa terus coblos ....

Rhoma Irama Presiden Indonesia

Rhoma Irama sdg jalan2 di kebun, eh dia nemu lampu ajaib....digosok keluarlah Jin

Ini dialognya....

Jin : Kuberi 3 permintaan monggo.....

Rhoma: aku minta istri banyak....

Buzzz...keluarlah Veronica, Richa Rachim, Marwah Ali, Angel Lelga and many more yg nggak terkenal...

Jin: Masih 2 permintaan......

Rhoma: aku mau bulu yg banyak biar seksi..

Buzzz....keluarlah bulu di: kaki, ketek,cambang ampe di dadanya...rhoma senang ama bulu2nya....

Jin: Masih 1 permintaan monggo....

Rhoma : Aku pengin jd presiden......;)

Jin (sambil nunjuk jidat Rhoma):....
Hahahahaha......NGIMPI.....
KALE LU YE =))

Nenek Paling Gaul Se Indonesia

Seorg nenek gaul yang sakit sdang brobat ke dokter.

Dokter : Apa keluhan nya Nek ..?

Nenek : Mau tahu aja atau mau tahu bnget ..?

Dokter : Yaah dua - duanya lah …

Nenek : Kasih tahu nggak ya ...?

Dokter : Jangan becanda dulu knpa ..?

Nenek : Emang napa? Msalah bwt Lu ...?

Dokter : Saya harus melayani pasien dengan baik ..

Nenek : Terus kalau Dokter sudah melayani. Gua hrs bilang WOW gitu ...?

Dokter : Ini demi kesehatan Nenek ..!!! (Dokter mulai kesal)

Nenek : Ciyuuzz? Myapa ....?

Dokter : Nek …!!! Lu .. Guwe …. End

Syarat Menjadi Guru Agama Islam

Si A: "Eh, guru agama gue masak nggak jilbaban."

Si B: "Beneran? Wah, parah, masak ngajarin agama nggak berjilbab."

Si A: "Soalnya dia cowok."

Lowongan Kerja Gaji Dollar - Dibutuhkan CEPAT!!

ADA YANG BERMINAT UNTUK MENGISI LOWONGAN DI P&G, GAJI DOLLAR....

EXTREMELY URGENT!!

PT. P&G akan mengembangkan usahanya dengan mendirikan pabrik DEODORANT PARFUM. Dan membuka lowongan pekerjaan khususnya untuk jabatan DEODORANT QUALITY CONTROL development.

Fasilitas2 yg akan didapat :

1. Gaji sekitar 5.000 dollar / bulan

2. Asuransi kesehatan

3. Bekerja 6 jam / hari, 5 hari waktu kerja /minggu

4. Tunjangan transportasi

5. Asuransi kecelakaan, tercover 5 org / keluarga

Job description dpt dilihat di gambar terlampir:

Cokelat dapat Membuat KAKI Mengecil - Hati-hati!!

Kami sejak kecil terbiasa dalam mengkonsumsi cokelat.. bahkan hingga masa remaja pun kami masih mengkonsumsinya, namun setelah bertahun tahun kami mengkonsumsi barulah kami sadari...
Bahkan Dinas Kesehatan pun mengeluarkan peringatan untuk hal ini...
bahwa mengkonsumsi cokelat ternyata tidak dianjurkan.
bahkan penyakit yang ditimbulkan pun susah untuk di obati.

bahwa COKELAT dapat membuat KAKI MENGECIL!!!

INI ADALAH PERINGATAN MEDIS
Infokan ini kepada teman, saudara, keluarga atau kerabat dekat anda SEGERA!

Biarlah kami yang menjadi korban penyakit ini, semoga tidak ada lagi korban selanjutnya...

Inilah kami dengan kaki kami yang mengecil...
Wakakakak.....ka...kak.........

Tes IQ Gratis!! Cuma di sini!!!

TES kelemotan OTAK:

1. Jawab lgs spontan , jangan kelamaan mikir
2. baca satu demi satu yg cepat.
3. Konsentrasi ..

Permainan konsentrasi warna ...

1. kertas HVS warnanya apa ?

2. awan warnanya apa ?

3. tissu warnanya apa ?

4. sapi minum apa ?

Yang ngejawab susu konsentrasi anda terganggu,
karena sapi minum air

1. rambut anda warna apa?

2. Alis warnanya apa ??

3. aspal warnanya apa ???

4. kelelawar tidurnya kapan?

Yang menjawab malam, artinya konsentrasinya tergganggu.
karena kelelawar tidur siang hari.

1. warna dari cendol apa?

2. daun kelapa warnanya apa?

3. warna umum rumput?

4. macan makan apa?

Yang jawab rumput , itu salah,
karena macan makan daging

Hayo ngaku salah brapa =)) Pasti senyum2 sndri..
Jgn di clear chat yah..:) ini berguna untuk otak mu..
kalau lucu kirimin aksi apa reaksimu

JUJUR SALAH BERAPA ?

Rahasia Agar Berumur Panjang Tanpa Harus ke Gunung Kawi

Ada oma masuk acara kondangan perjamuan perkawinan tetangganya dengan cucunya, karena oma

sudah tua umur sdh 101 tahun terpaksa pengantin yang antarkan itu anggur ke kursi oma.

Habis oma minum pengantinnya tanya.

Pengantin : “bagaimana oma bisa berumur sampai 101 ?”

Oma : “haaa??? Apa…”

Karena oma tidak dapat mendengar, cucunya yang membisikkan pada telinga oma.

Cucu : “oma pengantin tanya bagaimana oma bisa berumur panjang dan bagaimana caranya?”

Oma : “Ohhhhh, pengantin kalau mau umur panjang musti dapat penyakit kayak oma.”

Pengantin : “Apa penyakit oma….?

Cucu berbisik ulang pada telinga oma

Cucu : “Pengantin bertanya apa penyakit oma .”

Oma : ”Penyakit oma adalah “PONGO” (tuli)

Pengantin keheranan kenapa oma penyakit tuli oma bisa buat umur panjang?

Pengantin : ”kenapa harus tuli oma???

Cucu berbisik ulang pada telinga oma

Cucu : ”Pengantin bertanya kenapa harus tuli?

Oma : ”Supaya TUHAN kalau panggil kita, kita tidak dengar.”

Pengantin : ”?!?!!!?!?!”

Bagaimana Membuat seorang Pendeta Naik haji

Ada Pak haji yang bersahabat dengan seorang pendeta.

Waktu akan nyebrang kali pendeta takut dan terpaksa Pak Haji menggendong Pendeta.

Ditengah- tengah sungai si pendeta cekikian sambil ngomong :

"Baru kali inilah pendeta naik haji".

Mendengar kata-2 pendeta itu pak Haji dongkol juga dan segera menjatuhkan sang pendeta di sungai sambil berkata :

"Baru kali ini haji membaptis pendeta".

Arti WWW dan HTTP menurut agama Islam dan Kristen

Ada Wak Haji kursus computer ber - sama-2 dengan seorang Pendeta.

Waktu ujian Pak Pendeta tanya pada Wak Haji : "Ji apa sih artinya WWW".

Dijawab dengan bisik- bisik "Wasalamalaikum, Wrahmatulahi, Wabarakatu" .

Ganti sekarang Wak haji tanya pada pendeta arti HTTP , dan dijawab oleh Pendeta :

"Arti HTTP = Haleluya Tuhan Tetap Peduli".

Hubungan Sex antara Cowok dengan Cewek

Hubungan Sex antara Cowok dengan Cowoq di sebut : HO-mo

Hubungan Sex antara Cewek dengan Ceweq di sebut : les-BY

Maka Sex antara Cowok dengan Cewek di sebut : HO-BY...

The Great Family Jokes

Great Family Jokes!

Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, "There is an easy way to get what you want."
The other boy said, "How?"
The boy replied, "Just tell people you know their secret."
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!"
The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom, heres $10."
The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!"
The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15."
The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!"
The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come give your old man a hug!"

Important Life Morals:

1. Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa.
2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.
3. Save water. Drink beer.
4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.
5. Books are holy. So don't touch them.
6. Love your neighbor. But don't get caught.
7. Every one should marry. After all, happiness isn't the only thing in life...

Question: How many kids does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Three.
One to say, "But I never turn it on!" and two to say, "But I did it last time!"

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour!"
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs??'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

The Weirdest Moment Before Eid al-Adha

Can Anyone Explain This??

The Most Weirdest Signs

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shopwindow:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE. HOWEVER, THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

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Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you
say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.I just couldn't help but send this along.
Too funny.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

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Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

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War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!

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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery
Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

-----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

----------------
---------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

****************************************

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

***************************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

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And the winner
is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

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Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh,at least once a day!

The Best Gift To Your Mom

MAMA'S Bible - Gift To Old Mama

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a cockatoo who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it ....... Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."

Love, Mama

How to Have A big Breast

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said.... 'Dew to thircumsthanthith bewond my contwol, we will not have a thermon tewday.'

Ah Beng from Singapore

Someone asks Ah Beng why Lee Hsien Loong goes walking only in the evening
but not in the morning.
Ah Beng replies 'Because he is PM not AM'
===================
Ah Beng buys a new mobile. He sends a message to everyone in his Phone Book
& says, 'My Mobile number has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it
is Nokia 6610'
==================
Ah Beng : I am proud coz my son is in Medical College .
Friend: Really, what is he studying?
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are studying him.
===================
Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
Dr : Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.
===================
Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
===================
Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the park today, everybody said, "Oh GOD! Why U come
here again?"
===================
Ah Beng reports to police: 'Sir, all items are missing except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'Why the thief did not take TV?'
Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'
===================
Ah Beng comes back to his car & finds a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.'
===================
How do you recognize Ah Beng in school?
He is the one who erases his notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
===================
Ah Beng was sitting in a bar and his cellular phone rings.
He picks it up and says 'Hello, how did you know I am here?'
===================
Ah Beng always sit on the lower level of double-decker buses.
When asked why so, he says "Upstairs no driver".
===================
Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella.
===================
Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
===================

Teacher: ‘I killed a person’ convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng: The future tense is ‘u will go to jail’
===================

Ah Beng: Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

Can You See The Dog???

For most young men, this is a lady with a shapely hind end. A smidgen large, perhaps, but still pretty doggone nice, and only the most observant will notice that she is crossing a street.

The really observant will also notice that she is wearing a thong.

To older men, she'll appear to be a respectable woman, with a nice tush, probably on her way to work. Some of them will imagine her naked. Most of them, really.
Wiser men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer to take the shot in the face of such beauty and be grateful that they shared it.
Some of the women will think she's an ordinary woman who just shouldn't have left home dressed that way, while some others, jealous, will think she is a slut but wonder where she bought that blouse.
Older women will imagine the misery those curves will cause by the time the woman reaches 50.

But only children, innocent and intelligent and observant, will notice that the taxi is being driven by a dog.

For most young men, this is a lady with a shapely hind end. A smidgen large, perhaps, but still pretty doggone nice, and only the most observant will notice that she is crossing a street.

The really observant will also notice that she is wearing a thong.

But only children, innocent and intelligent and observant, will notice that the taxi is being driven by a dog.

How to Cheat Through Fishing

Wife Can't See Me Happy

Dear Dr. Phil,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.

As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing. A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks.

P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught

And this Is Dr. Phil Answers:

Dear Fisherman,
Get rid of that narrow minded wife.
That's a nice pair of bass!
Sincerely,
Dr. Phil

The Secret to A Long Life

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady on the street:,
She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,

“I couldn’t help but notice you! What is your secret?”

“I smoke ten cigars a day” she said. “Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, have sex and I don’t exercise at all.”

“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”
“Forty."

How to Become an Astronaut

Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky

On July20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind,” were televised to Earth and heard by millions.

But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.” Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the, “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small mid-west town, he was playing baseball with a friend. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky :

“Sex! You want sex? You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

Verzorgd Worden

Als gevolg van een hartinfarct ondergaat een man een openhartoperatie.

Na de ingreep komt hij terug bij en ziet dat hij verzorgd wordt door religieuze zusters in een katholiek hospitaal.

Wanneer hij voldoende bij bewustzijn is, vraagt een zuster hem hoe hij die medische ingreep gaat betalen.

Ze vraagt hem of hij een ziekteverzekering heeft.

Met zwakke stem zegt hij: "Geen ziekteverzekering."

Ze vraagt hem: "Heb je geld op de bank staan?"

Hij antwoordt: "Geen geld op de bank."

Vervolgens vraagt ze: "Heb je geen familielid die je kan helpen?"

Hij zegt: "Ik heb enkel een zuster, een oude vrijster, die non is in een klooster."

De zuster antwoordt geërgerd: "Nonnen zijn geen oude vrijsters, zij zijn getrouwd met God!"

En de patiënt repliceert direct: " Stuur de factuur dan maar naar mijn zwager!"

Embarrassing Medical Exams

1. A man comes into the ER and yells....'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one?'. I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . ..
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste'. Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
Detroit ,

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry... had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . .. .

'No doctor but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

Dr wouldn't submit his name....

1 MORE

Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.

The BEST Ways To Keep Your Man From Cheating

'Honey, can I go to Bangkok with my friends to play golf for a week? '

The reaction will depend on the level of trust she has in you:

1) Complete trust:
   'Sure, go and have a good time with your friends. I heard the golf courses there are fantastic. I'll book the flight and hotel for you'.

2) Incomplete trust with a benefit of a doubt
' Yes but please confined to the 18 holes on the golf course and have plenty of rest at night'

3) Incomplete trust with one eye closed
   ' Don't do anything which I would not approve'

4) No trust at all but has accepted the reality
' I'll pack the condom and viagra for you. Be careful, you are not young anymore'

5) No trust and high level of suspicion
' I will also go and keep you company at night'

6) Absolutely no trust
   'Of course you can but first let me do this..........'

How to heal 100% from Penile cancer (cancer of the penis)

Letter of Apology from the Hospital

A good hospital always apologises for its mistakes

Dear Sir:
The results from the laboratory tests confirmed that the red ring around you penis was not cancerous, as previously thought.
Seemingly, it was lipstick. We really Apologize for the amputation.

Regards,
Dick Less, MD, F.R.C.s.

How to Write Romantic Messages

Romantic Messages

She sent the following message while waiting for her train:

My love

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams

If you are smiling, send me your smile

If you are crying, send me your tears

I love you

He replied:
I'm in the toilet. What do I send?

The reasons why you should NEVER get married

Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor He is designed to remain Silent indoor...

.....................................................................

"Husband is one who is the head of the family, but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes."
........................................................................

A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil: Nothing, Hell to Hell is Free.
................................................................

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Every time!
Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever
...........................................................................

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one every day.
.................................................................

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
...................................................................

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.
....................................................................

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...! And life goes on........

Some More from Alfred Boey
Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband.
"Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the rest 23 hours!

My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, and I Didn't.

Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife's Photo and Not Even a Single One Hitting the Target... From Another Room WifeCalled The Husband: Honey What Are You Doing...
Husband: "MISSING YOU"...

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to and touched often.
But push the wrong button and you're disconnected.......

Difference Between Complete & Finish...
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH. But there is...
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED!

How Succesful Jews do Business

Morris (the father)says to his son: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."His son immediately replies: "I will choose my own bride, father."

Morris sighs: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter."The son thinks about this only for a split second - then answers:
"Well, in that case, yes! OK Dad." Morris then approaches Bill Gates and says: "I have a husband for your lovely daughter."Bill Gates quickly answers: "No chance! My daughter is too young to get married!
"Morris says: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates thinks for a while then answers: "Ah well, in that case, yes, that'll be OK with me."
Finally Morris goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Morris smiles and says: "I have a young man to recommend as a Vice-President."
The President hurriedly answers: "Not interested, I already have
more vice-presidents than I need." Morris continues smiling: "But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law." A few seconds pass, then the World Bank President answers: "Ah that's interesting, Hmmm. In that case, well yes, he can start tomorrow."

And that is how successful Jews do business...

The Reason Why You Should Never Marry a Lawyer

A married lawyer had been having fun in his car with his secretary.

On getting home, his wife saw a pair of panties on the back seat.
She tore it apart, screaming,
"What the hell is this?
What have you been up to??"

If you were the lawyer, what would your reaction be?
.... beg for forgiveness?
.... honesty is the best policy?
(guess before you read on)

He calmly replied ...

"You have just destroyed the evidence of the rape case worth a million
for me, which I'm handling.
You can forget the jewelry you wanted " !!!

She quickly fell on her knees apologizing.

No one */_Wins_/* over a Lawyer, even someone called */_A Wife !!!_/*

Rahasia Seks Hebat orang Jawa

Jaran Lanang

Mat Pithi mbarek bojone lagi dolan dolan nang peternakan jaran duweke koncone…
Ambek ngancani Mat Pithi mubeng2, koncone nyritakne siji2 jarane sing dibanggakno ambek dheweke….

“Delengen jaran lanang sing iko Mat, sedino iso kawin sampek ping limo…”
Krungu koyo ngono bojone Mat Pithi langsung bisik bisik…
“Rungokno pakne… sedino ping limo…”

Mat Pithi cumak iso meneng ae… “Lha… nek jaran lanang sing putih iko, sedino iso kawin sampek ping sepuluh…” teruse kancane.
Bojone Mat Pithi luwih semangat lek mbisiki Mat Pithi…. “Rungokno maneh pakne… ping sepuluh sedino…”

Mat Pithi tambah mbingkem thok…. ora let suwe dheweke takok ambek kancane sing duwe peternakan iku….
“Lha sedino ping sepuluh iku ambek jaran wedok siji tah sepuluh?????”
“Yo mesthi ae ambek jaran wedok sepuluh Mat ” ….. ….. ….. …..
“Rungokno bune…. wedokane sepuluh…. ” “?????? …..”

Kisah TKW asal Jawa di Amerika

Mu'inah, TKW asal Pekalongan Jawa Tengah yang bekerja di Amerika Serikat menyaksikan kecelakaan beruntun di jalan raya tak jauh dari tempatnya bekerja. Karena jiwa penolongnya yang begitu tinggi, dia segera menelpon 911 untuk meminta bantuan..

Ketika Petugas bertanya, "Good morning Mam, may I help you?!" Mu'inah baru tersadar akan kemampuan Bahasa Inggrisnya yang sangat terbatas. Tapi, karena waktu itu sudah kepalang tanggung, dia pun nekad melanjutkan pembicaraan.

"Begini officer. One car come, one car go. The third car nabrak, lha njur, everything ya broke. One car no stop. One, two, three cars, bum! bum! buuum! You know?! And than, mak grobiiiyyyaaak! Yes, like that. Like the rolling stones gumlundhung from the mountain... Krosak.. krosak.. krosak.. ! Gabrus, gabrus, gabrus!!"

Mu'inah mengambil nafas lalu melanjutkan laporan pandangan matanya :

"Wah, one car ngguling ping pirang-purang. The sound like mirror-mirror on the wall dibandhem watu. Krompyaaang !!! One people game over, one man bloody-bloody, one woman cry-cry so loudly!"

Mu'inah pun menutup laporannya : "Bingung aku! Wis ngene wae officer. Send me nguing nguing car ....

Misteri di balik Tahun Baru dan Hari Natal

Seorang mabuk naik kereta, lalu bertanya pada petugas soal lama perjalanan dari JOGYA ke SOLO....!

" Pak,....perjalanan dari JOGYA ke SOLO, berapa lama ya ? "....... tanya orang mabuk.
" Sekitar dua jam.....! "....... jawab petugas.
" Nah, kalau begitu berapa lama perjalanan dari SOLO ke JOGYA.... "....tanya orang mabuk.
" Ya, sama.....dua jam, Hai bung,.....apa yang membuatmu berpikir kalau pejalanan dari JOGYA ke SOLO dan dari SOLO ke JOGYA itu membutuhkan waktu yang berbeda...? " tanya petugas kesal....!

Orang mabuk itu menatapnya......

" Pak dengar ya,......hanya seminggu dari hari NATAL ke TAHUN BARU, .......tapi dari TAHUN BARU ke hari NATAL rasanya.... lamaaaaaaaaaaaaa banget..... iya kan Pak "

Petugas.....????????? Iya juga ya........

yang mabuk dia apa saya ya.....!

Yg baca jgn ikut2an mabok ya ????

Arti utama GBU buat orang Kristen

Om Petrus, seorang Pendeta tua, punya warung kecil2an untuk tambahan biaya hidup sehari-hari.

Di depan warungnya ada tulisan besar GBU.
Seorang anak muda bilang sama om Petrus: "Wah hebat ya, karena om seorg pendeta om selalu memberkati orang yang belanja dengan tulisan GBU (God Bless You)."

Om Petrus jawab: "Oh bukan, GBU disini artinya Gak Boleh Utang"...
hahahahahahaha-----

Misteri Setan di Kuburan

Pencuri & malaikat pencabut nyawa

Suatu Hari Sodrun dan Jon Koplak melancarkan aksinya mencuri jeruk di kebun tetangga. Emang dasar profesional, dg mudahnya mereka mampu mengumpulkan sekarung Jeruk.

Segera setelah "packing", mereka bergegas lari sekenceng2nya ke arah Pekuburan utk menghilangkan jejak..
Tatkala hampir mencapai GERBANG KUBURAN, si Sodrun tersandung dan terguling-guling. Alhasil jeruknya terlontar 2 buah di Gerbang Kuburan. Tapi ditinggalkan begitu saja dan mereka segera masuk utk sembunyi di balik Batu Nisan.

Ketika dirasa udah aman, si Jon Koplak mulai berbagi hasil dg Sodrun..

"Gue satu..elu satu..Gue satu..elu satu..Gue satu..elu satu..."

Terus demikian sampai tanpa sepengetahuan mereka lewatlah orang yg bernama Sardot, melewati nisan tersebut dan terhenti serta napas tersengal-sengal, lantaran mendengar suara aneh dari kuburan..
.
"Gue satu..elu satu..Gue satu..elu satu..Gue satu..elu satu..."

Kaget, takut, juga ngeri, si Sardot segera ngacir dan mencari pak Kyai di sekitar situ...
.
"Gue satu..elu satu..Gue satu..elu satu..Gue satu..elu satu..."

Pak kyai dan Sardot ngintip dari GERBANG KUBURAN ..

Lalu Sardot nanya ke pak kyai "apa itu suara Malaikat dan Iblis yg lagi bagi2 Jatah, Jiwa manusia ya Pak Kyai.. ?

"Gue jg kagak paham Dot" jawab pak kyai

Tak lama terdengar lg suara dari kuburan......Sunyi Senyap !!!

"Sudah selesai...sekarang yg dua buah jeruk di GERBANG KUBURAN yg jatuh itu, siapa yang mau ambil? Loe atawa gua??"

"WAAAAAAAA!!"
(Sontak pak Kyai dan Sardot lari terbirit-birit ) Takut dicabut nyawanya !!!!!

Cara Naik Ojek dengan Harga Murah

Ketika seorang tukang bakso dan tukang ojek ketemu, inilah percakapan sesama pebisnis kecil :

tukang Ojek : pak, berapa semangkuk baksonya?
tukang bakso : 5 ribu aja pak...

tukang ojek : 3 ribu boleh?

tukang bakso :(setelah pikir-pikir beberapa lama akhirnya) ya bolehlah. dan tukang bakso menyiapkan semangkuk bakso untuk tukang ojek, tapi tukang ojek bingung menerima semangkuk bakso yang disodorkan.

tukang ojek : lho, sendoknya mana pak? saya makannya pake apa?

tukang bakso : maaf pak, 3ribu ga pake sendok.

Setelah makan bakso dengan tangan tanpa sendok, si tukang bakso yang dagangannya telah habis hendak pulang. karena malas berjalan, tukang bakso ingin naik ojek.

tukang bakso : pak, berapa naik ojek ke daerah glodok?
tukang ojek : Oh, 7 ribu aja pak.

tukang bakso : hmm, 3 ribu aja boleh?

Setelah pikir-pikir beberapa lama
akhirnya...

tukang ojek : ya, boleh juga

Akhirnya tukang bakso naik ojek sambil menggeret gerobak baksonya. namun ketika sudah sampai ke tempat A, si tukang bakso terkejut karena tukang ojek tak juga berhenti meskipun tempat tujuan sudah terlewati,

tukang bakso : eee, stop pak, sudah kelewatan itu, stop stop! teriak tukang bakso.
Tukang ojek : Maaf pak, 3 ribu ga pake rem....

Cara Mendapatkan ABG - Buat para hidung belang

Chatting Gaul

Oom2 lagi chatting sama simpenannya yg masih ABG

Oom: Lagi apa, yang ?
ABG: l461 54nt41 4j4 n1h. Oom l4g1 4p4 ?

Oom: Hape kamu lagi rusak ?
ABG: g4k, k3n4p4 em6 ?

Oom: Kamu chatting pake hape apa kalkulator?

Rahasia Investasi para Milliarder

Investasi properti akan menguntungkan asal tau kapan, dimana, bagaimana dan cara memperhitungan dari berbagai aspek kehidupan.

Coba simak kisah berikut ini:

Aada cowo... 3 tahun lalu piara seorang istri muda di Jakarta, terus dia beli satu rumah mewah 2 lantai di daerah elite di Jakarta Selatan, seharga Rp. 1,8 M. Dia memberikan biaya hidup Rp. 15 juta/ bulan untuk istri mudanya. Tahun lalu, dia putus sama istri mudanya itu, terus dia jual rumah mewahnya dan ternyata laku dijual seharga Rp. 3,7 M.
Lalu di hitung-hitung, dia keluarkan biaya Rp. 15 juta x 3 tahun = Rp. 540 Juta.

Jadi : Rp. 3,7 M - Rp. 1,8 M - Rp. 540 juta = Rp.1,36 M
Berarti masih dapat keuntungan serta pakai cuma-cuma ceweknya itu selama tiga tahun!!

Akhirnya dia memberikan hasil keuntungannya itu pada istrinya sebesar 1,36 M... tapi istrinya malah marah besar..!!!
terus dia malah ditempeleng dan kata istrinya: "Dasar laki-laki goblok!!! Kenapa nggak sekalian piara 2 atau 3 sekaligus saja kalau tau investasi bagus begini?"

Rahasia Ampuh cara memperbesar Penis - Lebih dari Mak EROT

Sepasang pengantin baru mulai membiasakan diri menyesuaikan dengan perubahan yang terjadi. Setelah selesai mandi, si istri keluar kamar mandi dengan menggunakan handuk. Si suami bertanya 'koq masih pake handuk sih?? kan qt dah merit?'.
Sambil tersipu si istri menjawab 'Oh iya,lupa..'. Lalu dia melepas handuknya
Si suami terpesona menatap tubuh istrinya n berkata 'Wow..indah sekali..kamu cantik banget. 'Sambil dia mendesah
Kemudian dia bertanya 'Bolehkah aku memotretnya?'.
Si istri kaget & bertanya 'Apa??? memotret?'.
Si suami menjawab 'Iya,biar kecantikanmu selalu bisa kubawa didekat hatiku selamanya'.
Si istri tersenyum & membiarkan si suami memotret.
Kemudian si suami mandi. Setelah selesai dia keluar kamar mandi dengan tetap memakai handuk.
Si istri bertanya 'Lho koq masih pake handuk sih? kan qt dah nikah?'.
Si suami langsung membuka handuknya
Si istri terkejut melihatnya sambil mendesah
Lalu si istri bertanya 'Bolehkah aku memotretnya?'.
Sambil tersenyum si suami bertanya untuk apa?
Si istri menjawab 'Klo dipotret kan bisa diperbesarrr,,,".
...Hohoho.....

"Ah..ternyataaaa..."

Bagaimana Cara Mendapatkan dua Istri

Kata teman saya, kalau kita bersyukur, kelak Tuhan akan menambah apa yang kita syukuri...

...dan aku bersyukur punya istri...

Kumpulan Gombal

** Ak minta Pinmu donk|Pin bknnya km sdh punya?|ya yg kali ini PINdahin seluruh cintamu, ke dlm hatiku ?
* Nanti belajar yuk? | belajar apa? | belajar memahami hati masing-masing
* Tau ga km persamaanya dgn soal ujian ? |apa tuch ?|sama2 perlu diperjuangkan krn menyangkut masa depanku ?
* Menunggu itu menjadi mudah, asalkan kau temani ak sambil menghabiskan seluruh sisa waktuku ?
* Boleh pinjem hpmu gak?" ak mau telp sebentar, Cuma mau kabari orangtuamu, bidadarinya itu aman bersama dengan ak ?
* Tau ga kenapa donat selalu bolong tengahnya ? krn yg utuh dan bulat hanya cintaku untukmu
* Aku tahu satu jam itu 60 menit dan satu menit itu 60 detik. Tapi aku gak pernah tahu kalau satu detik tanpa kamu itu seperti seumur hidup..
* Gimana kalo kita berdua jadi komplotan penjahat: Aku mencuri hatimu, dan kamu mencuri hatiku ?
* Bertemu denganmu adalah takdir, menjadi temanmu adalah pilihanku, tapi jatuh cinta denganmu itu di luar kemampuanku..
* Ingin meraih kembali cintamu menjadi kenyataan. Saat diriku dalam
siksaan cinta, dirimu melenggang pergi tanpa pernah memikirkanku.
* Apa bedanya angkot dengan kamu? emang apa bang? klo angkot jauh dekat
2.000,,, klo kmu jauh dekat di hati akuu...
* Hey kamu! Iya kamu, coba sini aku lihat, stop kontaknya di mana sih?
kok tatapan matanya nyentrum gitu~ ?
* Aku gak butuh satu juta mawar darimu, aku hanya butuh cinta dan kasih
sayang yang tulus dari dirimu aja.
* Baca majalah, menyerap banyak ilmu. Hati ini tak akan lelah, untuk
selalu mencintaimu ?
* Seandainya kau adalah bunga, biarkan diriku menjadi POT untuk menjagamu.
* Aku gak mau jadi superhero. | Kenapa? | Aku mau nya jadi SuperDAD buat
kamu dan anak-anak kita ?
* Kalo kamu mobil aku jadi garasi, kemanapun kamu pergi akan balik ke
pelukanku lagi.
* Satu-satunya cara mengetahui masa depanku adalah dengan menatap kedua
matamu.
* Kopi ini pahit, tapi kalau minum sambil melihat dirimu, kopi ini
terasa manis deh...
* KOMPAS, BuletinSiang, Silet, Liputan 6, Detik, Antara, LintasBerita
adalah berita SUPER BASI, kabar darimu lah yang selalu kunanti...
* Sumpah kamu tuh nakutin banget jadi orang| Hah takut kenapa? | bikin
aku takut kehilangan kamu | Ih yayang Bisa aja dah ?
* Kita ke toko bunga yuk! | Mau beli apa? | Beli bibit cinta buat
ditanam di hatimu.
* Tolong napas aku sesek banget ! | Aduh kok bisa ? | Karena separuh
nafasku ada di kamu.
* Seandainya aku menjadi gelas, aku hanya mau diisi oleh cintamu, karena
hanya cintamu yg dapat mengisi penuh hatiku ?
* Menjaga kebersihan itu memang wajib, tapi menjaga perasaan kamu itu
lebih wajib bagi aku.
* Kalo spongebob kenal kamu, pasti dia berhenti berburu ubur-ubur dan
jadi sainganku buat berburu cinta kamu.
* Kalo mencintaimu seperti air isi ulang, mungkin ak adalah pengusaha
paling sukses, krn takkan pernah kering ?
* Alfabet itu dimulai dengan ABC. Urutan angka itu dimulai dengan 123.
Dan cinta itu dimulai dengan aku dan kamu ?
* Neng tolong pasangin iklan donk!!| iklan apa bang?| Dicari wanita yg
cantik sempurna dan sebaik dirimu | "_" ?
* Aku pengen bersamamu cuma pada dua waktu : SEKARANG dan SELAMANYA.
* Sekarang aku gemukan gak sih? kamu tau gak kenapa? soalnya km udah
mengembangkan cinta yang banyak dihatiku.
* Setiap malam aku berjalan-jalan di suatu tempat. Kamu tau di mana itu
? Di hatimu Aku nggak menangis karena kehilanganmu, tapi mengetahui kau
tak pernah berusaha mencegahku pergi.
* Kamu pakai kartu apa sih? Kok sinyalnya kuat banget sampai menembus
hatiku ?
* Kalo pulsa dan hape adalah sepaket, maka ak dan km adalah paket
terindah, krn tanpa salah satu tiada gunanya
* Tau ga? kenapa saya lebih suka apel dibandingkan anggur | Kenapa |
soalnya saya lebih suka ngapelin kamu, di bandingkan nganggurin
kamu....hihihi
* Kamu ga di cariin orang tua kamu apa? Kok setiap malam selalu hadir
dalam mimpiku sih!
* Kamu tahu, apa persamaan rasa sayangku ke kamu dengan matahari?
Persamaannya adalah sama-sama terbit setiap hari dan hanya akan berakhir
sampai kiamat.
* Jatuh dan gagal sudah biasa, tetapi jatuh pada satu hati itu baru luar
biasa dan itu hanya terjadi pada kamu.
* Walaupun aku udah dewasa tapi aku gak bisa hidup mandiri, buktinya aku
gak bisa hidup tanpa kamu.
* Neng, tuh UFO-nya udah dateng. | Hah? ada apa ini?! | Sengaja aku
panggil, supaya membawa kita ke planet cinta. ?
* Tidak pernah ada kata TERLAMBAT dalam BELAJAR, begitupula tidak ada
kata terlambat buat km untuk mencintaiku ?
* Kata tidak cukup itu mengambarkan perasaanku tentang dirimu, bagaimana
mungkin ak akan cukup bila ak belum memiliki cintamu ? :'(
* Perutku suka keroncongan tiap malam, tetapi lebih keroncongan lagi di
hati ini tanpa dirimu

How to Sex with underage or Lolita - Just for Pedophilia and the Maniacs

75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.

On their first night both were crying. Why??? Coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything.

The Reason You Don't Need to Stay Virgin

Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.

The engraver shortened it to " RETURNED UNOPENED "

How To Get Sex in The Dentist Room

Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly. "

How To Make A Man Happy

What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy and .... wife on the cover of " missing persons. "

The Most WANTED profession in The World

Teacher: what do you want to become?
Johnny: doctor!!
Teacher: why?
Johnny: coz its the only profession where you can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it!

How To Have Better Sex

Sex is like a restaurant.

Sometimes you get a full satisfactory service,

and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service "

The Secret to be Successful Person

Behind every successful woman, there is a satisfied man.
but behind a satisfied woman, there is an exhausted man

The Story Behind Swimsuit - Better Than Naked

Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.

Never Marry A man Like This

Kiss is a gamble, sex is a game,
boys do the action & Girls get the Pain,
Guys say its fine,
But nine months later guys say its not Mine

How to increase your salary without changing jobs

The Mexican Maid

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk
to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better
than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban, he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban deed."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener deed."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

Crazy unbelievable English

You think English is easy?? I think a retired English Teacher was bored.
THIS IS GREAT! No wonder immigrants struggle with the English language.
This took a lot of work to put together!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewerline.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ..

There's a two-letter word that has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP,you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out, we say it is clearingUP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP,
so........it is time to shut UP!
Now it's UP to you what you do with this email.

How Life Has Changed

How Life Has Changed

Remember when we were young?
Life was so much simpler

Symptoms and Diagnosis:

1. Skippy heartbeat when you think of him/her.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Ventricular fibrillation and Myocardial Infarction.

2. Restless trembling of hands, feet and other body parts.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Parkinson's Disease

3. Constant smiling.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Bell's Palsy

4. Absent mindedness, inability to focus on tasks at work or at home.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Early Onset of Alzheimer's Disease

5. Weakening of knees and bursts of energy when he/she calls or visits.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Multiple Sclerosis

6. Inability to stop thinking about her.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

7. Bruising on neck and other tender areas.
Symptoms then: Love bites.
Diagnosis now: Leukaemia

8. Insomnia.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia

9. Feeling that you can smell/hear/feel her when not in her presence.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Schizophrenia

..........how life has changed!!!

How to Choose a Man to Marry

Marriage or Relationship

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's

Then adopt a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
For as long and wherever you want ...

Then adopt a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care
About football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

..then adopt a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
Warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

..then adopt a dog !

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves
You unconditionally, perpetually ..

..then adopt a dog.

BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
All over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...
.
.
.
.
.
.
..then adopt a cat!

You thought I was gonna say... Marry a man, didn't you?

Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them!

You...

....have a GREAT Day!!!

Test Free TOEFL

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Teacher: The only reason I always try to meet and know the parents better is because it helps me to forgive the children.

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.

I break for imaginary objects

What do you call a used tampon floating in a river?
A blood vessel.

Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
They have shaky hands!

What's the difference between sin and shame? It is a sin to put it in,
but it's a shame to pull it out.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One ...
Men will screw anything.

Money can't buy you love, but it sure makes shopping fun!

Wrestlers don't like to be put on hold.

My electrician usually worries about current events.

What's the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish it will die!

What do you call skunks having oral sex?
Odor eaters!

What do elephants use as tampons?
Sheep!

What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?
Sparky!

What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
"You know, we do taste like chicken!"

How to Know if Your Girlfriend Is Cheating on You

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.

Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.

"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiance has a particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."

The guy paled.

"If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"

"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."

How To Sex With Your Dog

A woman complained to her vet that her mongrel dog would start to fuck her every time he came into the house.
"Is there anything you can do?" she asked.
"Well," The vet said, "We could cut his balls off to cut his sex drive down."
"Oh no," the woman replied, "that seems a bit rough. Couldn't you just clip his nails and do something about his bad breath?"

Never Let A blonde painting Your Room!

A painter was painting a room of a house this rich woman was having remodelled, when walks the blonde interior decorator, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no," says the interior decorator, "there's not enough colour in this paint, it needs some more mauve."

So the decorator hands the painter a can of mauve paint and tells him, "Here, put some of this in that can and mix it."

The painter pours some of the mauve in the can of white paint, and mixes them with a stirrer.
First he stirs the paint about ten times clockwise, then he reverses the direction of stirring.
The decorator sees him do this, and yells, "What are you doing??"

"I'm mixing the paint" The painter says.

"Why are you going the opposite direction now?" asks the blonde, pointing to the mixing stick, "Don't you know that you'll unmix the paint?"

How To Sex on Sabbath

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

How To Get Lesbian Partner

In order to save on vacation costs, two secretaries are rooming together.

On the first night Jill turns to her friend, puts her hand on her shoulder, and says,

"There's something I've been meaning to tell you about myself. I'll be frank,I'm a lesbian."

"That's OK," says the other girl. "I'll be Frank tomorrow night, I'm a lesbian too."

The Main Reason You Don't Need Buy A Harley Davidson

Between God and Harley Davidson

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

Never Let An Arab Muslim Enter A Taxi Cab

I try to be tolerant of everyone but this one needs sending around.

An Arab Muslim enters a taxi cab in Dallas, Texas . . .

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to “turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio.”

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the side, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: “What are you doing, man?”

The Texan answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get out, stand on the curb
and wait for a camel!”

Like that driver!

How To Get Sex In Prison

PRISONER.

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!

How to jump from a height without being injured

Four men-an East Indian, a Jamaican, a Native American, and a white man-gathered at the top of a 30-story building.

The East Indian said, "This is for my people," and jumped off.

The Jamaican said, "This is for my people," and jumped off.

The Native American said, "This is for my people," and pushed the white man off.

How To Get BMW

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents' room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.

"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?"

"It is ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby that is all."

The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.

Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father.

"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?"

"Son, there has been a change of plan," his father replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."

Never Marry An Oil Tycoon

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil tycoon demanded that divorce proceeding begin at one against is young wife.

"What's the problem?"

"I want to hit that adulteress bitch for breach of contract," snapped the magnate.

"I don't know if that'll fly," replied the lawyer. "I mean, your wife isn't a piece of property, you do not own her."

"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined
"but I sure as hell expect exclusive drilling rights

The 3 tragedies in a man's life

1- life sucks

2- job sucks

3- Wife does NOT!

Jesus Is A Rottweiler

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight ]off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler with Jesus.

How To Hold Your Boss's Testicles?

Square Testicles
This is a joke that is supposed to bring you luck.

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure. 'The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'

How to Avoid Being Raped

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife : “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

His wife responds : 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too.'

How To Eat for Free

Waiter Gives Bill To Jack.
Jack :-Take This Card.
Waiter :-But Sir, This Is ' Ration Card '
Jack :-So What? You Have Writen Outside..' ALL CARDS ACCEPTED ' .

The New Threesome Techniques

Doctor :- Do You Watch Your Husband's Face During Sex?
Preeta :- I Did Once & Saw Anger.
Doctor:- Why?
Preeta :- Because He Was Watching From The Window.

The Most Expensive Slut

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology,
and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ears: "I study law, and I know how to make someone feel guilty.”

How to get your husband back home

Priscilla : My Husband Went To Buy Potatoes 5 Days Ago,
He Hasn't Come Back Yet!
Sandra :- Why Don't You Cook Something Else?

How To Learn Swahili in 6 Months

Sarah :- We Have To Learn Swahili Within 6 Months
Or We Will Not Be Able To Communicate With Our Child.
Fred :- Is It!.. Why?
Sarah:- We Have Adopted A Swahili Child And It Will Start To Speak After 6 Months. .
We Need To Learn........ To Understand Him.

How to remove swallowed key

Peter :- I Have Swallowed A Key.
Doctor : When?
Peter :- 3 Months Back!
Doctor:- What Were You Doing Till Now?
Peter :- I Was Using Duplicate Key, Now I Have Lost It too.

How To Show Your Penis To everyone without any charges

You need a sense of humor to work in a nursing home ~ that is for sure.

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this.)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

The Secret To Free Phone Calls

If You Want To Dial 9449494494..
How Will You Dial........?
I Will First Dial ..... 94494 And Then Press "REDIAL".....................

How to Be A great Hunter

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's this old car transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what the hell just happened, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunerrt miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

How To Sleep With Your friend's wife

Brian :- Did You Have A Chance To Sleep With My Wife Yet?

Mark :- What Are You Saying. I Would Never Even Think About Such Things.

Brian :- Well, You Might Want To.. She Is Much Better Than Yours.

Best Husband In The World

Ronald :- I Kiss My Wife Before I Go To Office
Robert :- I Kiss Your Wife After You Go To Your Office
Ronald :- Ha..Ha..But I'm The First.!

Maintaining A Vibrant Sex Life At Old Age

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old white man married a 20 year old white girl.
After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying:
"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year the young bride gave birth again.
The same nurse said: "You are truly amazing, How do you do it?"
He again said: "You've got the keep the old motor running
The same thing happened the next year.
The nurse then said: "Well, well, well!! You certainly are quite a man!"
He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black"

Learn How to Invest from this Great Man

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

He explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he'd been , well , let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job , then he burst into tears.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.

Then , she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million.
She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the results of her savings and investments. The husband was so astounded he could barely speak.

Finally he found his voice and blurted out,

'If I'd had any idea that you were investing those $ 20 for this day,
I would have had sex only with you.'

That's when she shot him.

Men just don't know when to keep their mouth shut, especially when drunk !!!!!

Never Marry A Russian!

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)

What were you thinking?

Her husband speaks English....hellooo!

Now get back to work !

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