I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly, "Doin Just Fine!"
And the other guy says, "So what are you up too?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say, "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over to your place after a while?"
Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.
I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"
How Can You Have Sex With Your Girlfriend for The First Time
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
* * * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
* * * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
* * * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
* * * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
* * * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
* * * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
* * * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
* * * * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
* * * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
* * * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
* * * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
* * * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
* * * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
* * * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
* * * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
* * * * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
The Top Reasons You Should Never Adopt or Buy a Cat
The truth about cats & dogs..
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY:
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY:
DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid.
My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY:
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY:
DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid.
My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
How To Kill Your Birthday Party
A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him.
After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home.
He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects.
So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek.
At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on.
Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go.
It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on.
This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air.
But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later,
the flowers on the table were dead.
When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not,
so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home.
He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects.
So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek.
At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on.
Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go.
It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on.
This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air.
But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later,
the flowers on the table were dead.
When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not,
so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
How to Behave in The Bars and Pubs
Sit back order up a drink and read these.... Cheers!
1.If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If your are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45. It's okay to drink alone.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”
67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”
78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. You will forget everyone of of these rules by your fifth drink.
and by your 10th drink you will see 172 rules
1.If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If your are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45. It's okay to drink alone.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”
67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”
78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. You will forget everyone of of these rules by your fifth drink.
and by your 10th drink you will see 172 rules
How To Masturabate for Dummies
A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating.
"My son, you shouldn't be doing that", said the priest.
"You should be saving that for when you get married.
" The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."
About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.
"Yes, my son?" said the priest.
"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."
"And what was that, my son?"
"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man.
"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest.
"Did you take my advice?"
"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."
"What's that, my son?"
"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum full of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am
getting married what am I supposed to do with it?"
"My son, you shouldn't be doing that", said the priest.
"You should be saving that for when you get married.
" The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."
About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.
"Yes, my son?" said the priest.
"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."
"And what was that, my son?"
"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man.
"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest.
"Did you take my advice?"
"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."
"What's that, my son?"
"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum full of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am
getting married what am I supposed to do with it?"
The Secret Excuses To Tell To Your Wife When You Sleep With Another Woman
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would just come down and talk to
me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right next to him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place.
They ended up spending the night together.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!!
My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said -
"Come on guys, we're almost there..."
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would just come down and talk to
me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right next to him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place.
They ended up spending the night together.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!!
My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said -
"Come on guys, we're almost there..."
How To Save A Marriage
Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with the boys." I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 3A.M. drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning, the wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said,
"Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh ****,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 3A.M. drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning, the wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said,
"Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh ****,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."
How To Get Sex With A Cow
A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man comes in and asks the farmer,
'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'
Man: 'So what happened that is so horrible?'
Farmer: 'Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her.
Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over'
Man: 'That's not so bad, what's the big deal?'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain. '
Man: 'So then what happened?'
Farmer: 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope.
Then I sat down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. '
Man: 'Again? So what did you do then?'
Farmer: 'I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. '
Man: 'And then what.'
Farmer: 'I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.'
Man: 'Wow, you must have been pretty upset.'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'
Man: 'So then what did you do?'
Farmer: 'Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.'
'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'
Man: 'So what happened that is so horrible?'
Farmer: 'Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her.
Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over'
Man: 'That's not so bad, what's the big deal?'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain. '
Man: 'So then what happened?'
Farmer: 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope.
Then I sat down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. '
Man: 'Again? So what did you do then?'
Farmer: 'I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. '
Man: 'And then what.'
Farmer: 'I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.'
Man: 'Wow, you must have been pretty upset.'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'
Man: 'So then what did you do?'
Farmer: 'Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.'
The Reasons Why You Must Marry A Lawyer
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into
it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a
new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you,
I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into
it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a
new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you,
I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
How To Get Sex in The States
A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Canadian ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"
The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada."
The American had a smirk on his face.
The Canadian listened in silence.
The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"
Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada."
The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"
The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course."
Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile.
"We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the USA."
Ain't it great to be CANADIAN!?
The Canadian ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"
The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada."
The American had a smirk on his face.
The Canadian listened in silence.
The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"
Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada."
The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"
The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course."
Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile.
"We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the USA."
Ain't it great to be CANADIAN!?
How To Get Sex With News Anchor
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
There was a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too because they were laughing so hard!
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
There was a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too because they were laughing so hard!
How to Take a Leave of Absence from Work and Still Have a Job and Still Get Paid
Two factory workers were talking.
"I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to show her by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss.
So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too.
The boss asked her, "Where do you think you`re going?"
The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark!"
"I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to show her by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss.
So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too.
The boss asked her, "Where do you think you`re going?"
The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark!"
The Most Broken Proverbs
So many cats.... So little time.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.
Don't Follow me I am LOST!!!
Women are born leaders, LOOK you are following one now!
Did you just fart or did you always smell that way?
It could be worse. What if sex was fattening?
Life's a bitch, and then you die.
Graduate quickly, millions on welfare depend on you.
Bill Clinton 99% Fact Free
Yesterday I knew nothing, today I know that.
The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a traffic jam.
Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
Illiterate? Write for free help.
Take me drunk, I'm home.
Life is like a straw, it sucks.
Don't delay, paint today
I drive like this to piss you off!
"It is Mind over Matter... If you ain't go no mind... It don't Matter"
Front bumper -Run, Hilary, Run!
I may be slow but I'm in front of you.
Suicide is away of telling God, You can't fire me I quit!!!!!
You have to be really secure to be seen in this car.
I'm wondering if you have any horns with goofy songs?
DANGER: I drive like you do!
Kids in the backseat cause accidents.... accidents in the backseat cause kids.
Please don't hit me I'm a pedestrian trapped in a car.
S.A.S.R. - Speeders Against Ski Racks
If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?
Jesus loves you, but everyone else still thinks your an ass hole.
I don't drive fast I fly low
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
Your child may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
If you can read this you're in range.
The number of people staring at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
It's not the size of the boat that matters, it's the motion in the ocean.
Save the planet recycle an environmentalist.
Just because your not paranoid doesn't mean their not out to get you.
Study long study wrong.
Blow your nose, your horn works fine.
My karma ran over my dogma.
I tried being normal once. . .I didn't like it.
I'm not really a driver I just play one on TV.
Life may suck, but it beats the alternative.
Minds are like parachutes--they only function when open.
Why did God give beauty queens one more brain cell than horses? So they wouldn't shit on stage.
Horn Broken...Watch For Finger.
Everything Is Somewhere.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure...
I love cats.....they taste just like chicken.
I Wish I Was Barbie. That Bitch has EVERYTHING.
CAUTION I BRAKE FOR HOOKERS.
If it isn't broken...fix it until it is!
Keep America clean...swallow your beer cans.
I was an atheist until I realized I was GOD.
Smile.........show off your teeth.
Clean up America. Shoot a redneck!
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass.
House guarded by a shotgun 3 nights a week. You guess which?
I left the womb for this
I can go from zero to bitch in 2.2 seconds.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
I'm not littering.... I'm donating to the earth.
If you can read this, I am parked.
I got this car for my wife...not a bad trade.
All generalizations are false.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, Other times I let her sleep!!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist
Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
Horn Broke. Watch For Finger.
I'm objective, I object to everything.
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
Life is a terminal disease.
Conserve water - Shower with a friend
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
Driver carries less than IN AMMUNITION
In God we trust, all others must pay cash.
Believe in Darwin, cancer cures smoking.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.
Don't Follow me I am LOST!!!
Women are born leaders, LOOK you are following one now!
Did you just fart or did you always smell that way?
It could be worse. What if sex was fattening?
Life's a bitch, and then you die.
Graduate quickly, millions on welfare depend on you.
Bill Clinton 99% Fact Free
Yesterday I knew nothing, today I know that.
The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a traffic jam.
Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
Illiterate? Write for free help.
Take me drunk, I'm home.
Life is like a straw, it sucks.
Don't delay, paint today
I drive like this to piss you off!
"It is Mind over Matter... If you ain't go no mind... It don't Matter"
Front bumper -Run, Hilary, Run!
I may be slow but I'm in front of you.
Suicide is away of telling God, You can't fire me I quit!!!!!
You have to be really secure to be seen in this car.
I'm wondering if you have any horns with goofy songs?
DANGER: I drive like you do!
Kids in the backseat cause accidents.... accidents in the backseat cause kids.
Please don't hit me I'm a pedestrian trapped in a car.
S.A.S.R. - Speeders Against Ski Racks
If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?
Jesus loves you, but everyone else still thinks your an ass hole.
I don't drive fast I fly low
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
Your child may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
If you can read this you're in range.
The number of people staring at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
It's not the size of the boat that matters, it's the motion in the ocean.
Save the planet recycle an environmentalist.
Just because your not paranoid doesn't mean their not out to get you.
Study long study wrong.
Blow your nose, your horn works fine.
My karma ran over my dogma.
I tried being normal once. . .I didn't like it.
I'm not really a driver I just play one on TV.
Life may suck, but it beats the alternative.
Minds are like parachutes--they only function when open.
Why did God give beauty queens one more brain cell than horses? So they wouldn't shit on stage.
Horn Broken...Watch For Finger.
Everything Is Somewhere.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure...
I love cats.....they taste just like chicken.
I Wish I Was Barbie. That Bitch has EVERYTHING.
CAUTION I BRAKE FOR HOOKERS.
If it isn't broken...fix it until it is!
Keep America clean...swallow your beer cans.
I was an atheist until I realized I was GOD.
Smile.........show off your teeth.
Clean up America. Shoot a redneck!
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass.
House guarded by a shotgun 3 nights a week. You guess which?
I left the womb for this
I can go from zero to bitch in 2.2 seconds.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
I'm not littering.... I'm donating to the earth.
If you can read this, I am parked.
I got this car for my wife...not a bad trade.
All generalizations are false.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, Other times I let her sleep!!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist
Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
Horn Broke. Watch For Finger.
I'm objective, I object to everything.
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
Life is a terminal disease.
Conserve water - Shower with a friend
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
Driver carries less than IN AMMUNITION
In God we trust, all others must pay cash.
Believe in Darwin, cancer cures smoking.
How To Find Your Missing Kids
"Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him.
Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it.
How anyone could have survived he did not know.
He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son.
Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.
Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.
"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times.
He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did.
He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.
He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much.
Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.
In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"
From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son.
"Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"
Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it.
How anyone could have survived he did not know.
He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son.
Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.
Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.
"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times.
He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did.
He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.
He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much.
Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.
In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"
From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son.
"Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"
The Secrets How To Cure from Hearing Loss
An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing.
So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.
The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks,and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.
'Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, the 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room.
He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?"____ No response.
So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,
"Honey, what's for supper?"___ Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"___ Again he gets no response.
So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away.? "Honey, what's for supper?"
Again there is no response, so he walks right up behind her.__ "Honey, what's for supper?"
"Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"
So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.
The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks,and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.
'Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, the 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room.
He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?"____ No response.
So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,
"Honey, what's for supper?"___ Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"___ Again he gets no response.
So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away.? "Honey, what's for supper?"
Again there is no response, so he walks right up behind her.__ "Honey, what's for supper?"
"Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"
The Best Beer In The World
The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the CEO of Miller gets a Miller, the head of Coors orders a Coors, and so on.
Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn. He orders a soda.
"Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks.
Guinness replies, "if you guys aren't having beer, then neither will I."
Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn. He orders a soda.
"Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks.
Guinness replies, "if you guys aren't having beer, then neither will I."
How To Pick A Real Bitch
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says , "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says , "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
Why You Should Give Your Wife A Dildo
Two old men were sitting in a steam room discussing their wives birthdays.
The first old man says, "I'm going to buy her a diamond necklace and a Jaguar.
If she doesn't like the necklace I'll give her the Jaguar."
The second man says, "That's a good idea. I'll buy my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo.
If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go screw herself."
The first old man says, "I'm going to buy her a diamond necklace and a Jaguar.
If she doesn't like the necklace I'll give her the Jaguar."
The second man says, "That's a good idea. I'll buy my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo.
If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go screw herself."
The Secrets How To Ride Airplane for Free
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say,
"Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said,
"Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is dollars is 50 dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said,
"Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you;
but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard.
He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
"By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
"Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said,
"Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is dollars is 50 dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said,
"Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you;
but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard.
He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
"By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
The Secret of First Night Sex
It seems that a young couple had just got married and spent their first wedding night with the young man's parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast.
Everyone came down, except the newly-weds. After a long wait, the family ate without them.
The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"
The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think..."
"Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.
At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat.
As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat? Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up.
At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day.
The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think..."
"Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily.
"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"
Everyone came down, except the newly-weds. After a long wait, the family ate without them.
The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"
The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think..."
"Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.
At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat.
As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat? Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up.
At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day.
The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think..."
"Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily.
"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"
When A Nude Man and A Nude Woman Meets
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return,
out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left."
The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?" "Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return,
out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left."
The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?" "Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head.
The Smartest Way To Complain
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a guy in France who said, "Cut it out!"
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops . . ."
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
My school colors were clear.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.
I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories .
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
I'm a peripheral visionary.
I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a guy in France who said, "Cut it out!"
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops . . ."
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
My school colors were clear.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.
I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories .
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
I'm a peripheral visionary.
I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
How To Pick Up Chicks
So there's this horse and this chicken living on a farm. one day, the chicken hears the horse yelling
"HELP, I'M STUCK IN SOME QUICKSAND!!"
The chicken, thinking quickly, steals some rope and the farmers bmw and uses them to haul the horse out of the quicksand.
The horse, being eternally grateful and whatnot, vows to repay the chicken some day.
A few days later, the horse hears the chicken screaming
"HELP, I'M STUCK IN SOME QUICKSAND!!" the horse, having been in the same situation, races for the bmw, only to find that the farmer has taken it out for a spin.
He runs to the quicksand, and decides that there is only one way to repay his debt to the chicken. he straddles the quicksand pool, and tells the chicken to grab onto his genitalia. the chicken does, and the horse
swings the chicken to safety. know what the moral of the story is?
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a bmw to pick up chicks
"HELP, I'M STUCK IN SOME QUICKSAND!!"
The chicken, thinking quickly, steals some rope and the farmers bmw and uses them to haul the horse out of the quicksand.
The horse, being eternally grateful and whatnot, vows to repay the chicken some day.
A few days later, the horse hears the chicken screaming
"HELP, I'M STUCK IN SOME QUICKSAND!!" the horse, having been in the same situation, races for the bmw, only to find that the farmer has taken it out for a spin.
He runs to the quicksand, and decides that there is only one way to repay his debt to the chicken. he straddles the quicksand pool, and tells the chicken to grab onto his genitalia. the chicken does, and the horse
swings the chicken to safety. know what the moral of the story is?
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a bmw to pick up chicks
How To Remove A Smell From The Vagina
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she has a smelly vagina.
She explains the problem and the doctor tells her to take all her clothes off and lay on the examination table.
He inspects her quickly and then says,
"Right, just give me a second, please."
He goes behind the screen and comes back with a long stick that has a hook on the end.
"Oh my god!" screams the woman in terror,
"what are you going to do with that thing?"
The doctor replies,
"I'm going to open a window. It fucking stinks in here."
She explains the problem and the doctor tells her to take all her clothes off and lay on the examination table.
He inspects her quickly and then says,
"Right, just give me a second, please."
He goes behind the screen and comes back with a long stick that has a hook on the end.
"Oh my god!" screams the woman in terror,
"what are you going to do with that thing?"
The doctor replies,
"I'm going to open a window. It fucking stinks in here."
How To Get Perfect Delicious Hand Job
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar-
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand- jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich."
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand- jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich."
The Secrets How To Become A Prostitute Without Family Knowing
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly,
Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth,Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
"Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."
.........the policeman fainted
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly,
Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth,Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
"Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."
.........the policeman fainted
The Secret How to Avoid Fatal Accidents
The Canadian Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the Canadian auto maker Ford for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in almost all provinces the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the province of Quebec was different where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, tabarnak, and watch dis!"
They were surprised to find in almost all provinces the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the province of Quebec was different where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, tabarnak, and watch dis!"
How Authorities Identify a Burned Body
Redneck Bubba died in a fire and was burned pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were called for. The three of them were really close,
together all the time, so they would surely know if it was Bubba.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl looked and said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, that ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and he was pretty sure of the body's identity. Gomer was then brought in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "Nope, that ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew about it, too. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
together all the time, so they would surely know if it was Bubba.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl looked and said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, that ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and he was pretty sure of the body's identity. Gomer was then brought in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "Nope, that ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew about it, too. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
The Mystery Behind Little Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees The Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf. " The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees The Big Bad Wolf again and this time he's crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr Wolf." once again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees The Big Bad Wolf again and this time he's crouched down
behind a rock. "My, what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Look kid, would you leave me the hell alone?! I'm trying to take a shit!
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf. " The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees The Big Bad Wolf again and this time he's crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr Wolf." once again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees The Big Bad Wolf again and this time he's crouched down
behind a rock. "My, what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Look kid, would you leave me the hell alone?! I'm trying to take a shit!
The Proof That The End is Really Near
A priest and a pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads,
Quote:
The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big crash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says, 'BRIDGE OUT' instead?"
Quote:
The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big crash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says, 'BRIDGE OUT' instead?"
The Dangerous Of Hydrogen Atoms
So, two Hydrogen atoms are walking down the street.
The first Hydrogen atom says to the second Hydrogen atom, "Hey! I think I've just lost my electron!"
The second Hydrogen atom says, "Really? Are you sure?"
And the first replies, "Yea! I'm positive!"
The first Hydrogen atom says to the second Hydrogen atom, "Hey! I think I've just lost my electron!"
The second Hydrogen atom says, "Really? Are you sure?"
And the first replies, "Yea! I'm positive!"
The Greatest Excuses for Missing Work
The workplace of the future will have two employees: a man and a dog.
The man will be there to feed the dog.
The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the computers.
Half an hour before the start of the morning, an employee calls his supervisor to say he won't be coming in today.
Employee: "I'm having a vision problem."
Supervisor: "Sounds bad. What's wrong?"
Employee: "I just can't see myself at work today."
I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you.....
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment.
Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."
From the back of the room a voice called out, "Yeah? So, what are the words?"
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
"After Mama gave birth to 12 of us kids, we put her up on a pedestal. It was mostly to keep Daddy away from her." Dolly Parton
The man will be there to feed the dog.
The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the computers.
Half an hour before the start of the morning, an employee calls his supervisor to say he won't be coming in today.
Employee: "I'm having a vision problem."
Supervisor: "Sounds bad. What's wrong?"
Employee: "I just can't see myself at work today."
I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you.....
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment.
Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."
From the back of the room a voice called out, "Yeah? So, what are the words?"
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
"After Mama gave birth to 12 of us kids, we put her up on a pedestal. It was mostly to keep Daddy away from her." Dolly Parton
Regret Always Comes Later
Writting on a card:
OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.
OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
INSIDE: What the fuck was I thinking!
OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.
OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
INSIDE: What the fuck was I thinking!
The Greatest Motivation Words of All Time
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the
seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the
seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
How to Know if Your Wife's Baby isn't Yours
A 70-year-old man went to see his doctor for his monthly physical.
The doctor asked the man how he was feeling and the older man replied:
"Great, my 30-year-old wife is pregnant and I'm going to be a father."
"What do you think of that?" The doctor said: "Let me tell you a story. One day I was walking through the woods with my umbrella. Then all of a sudden a big black bear jumped out of nowhere so I pointed my umbrella at the bear, yelled "BANG," and the bear fell dead. How do you think that bear died?"
The older man thought for a moment then said:
"Well, somebody else must have shot that bear."
The doctor nodded and said: "My point exactly".
The doctor asked the man how he was feeling and the older man replied:
"Great, my 30-year-old wife is pregnant and I'm going to be a father."
"What do you think of that?" The doctor said: "Let me tell you a story. One day I was walking through the woods with my umbrella. Then all of a sudden a big black bear jumped out of nowhere so I pointed my umbrella at the bear, yelled "BANG," and the bear fell dead. How do you think that bear died?"
The older man thought for a moment then said:
"Well, somebody else must have shot that bear."
The doctor nodded and said: "My point exactly".
The Healthiest Job in The World
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
The Proof that Smoking and Drinking Makes You Healthier
A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon, so he took four worms and placed them into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol … Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke …Dead.
The third worm in chocolate syrup … Dead.
The fourth worm in good, clean soil … Alive!
So the Minister asked the congregation, “What did you learn from this demonstration?”
Little Johnny was sitting in the back and quickly raised his hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”
That pretty much ended the service!!
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol … Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke …Dead.
The third worm in chocolate syrup … Dead.
The fourth worm in good, clean soil … Alive!
So the Minister asked the congregation, “What did you learn from this demonstration?”
Little Johnny was sitting in the back and quickly raised his hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”
That pretty much ended the service!!
How To Grow Old But Still Smart
THE COW, THE ANT AND THE OLD FART...
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is The greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to say something.
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is The greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to say something.
God's Wife Has Been Found !
Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once Talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the Contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was:
1. A four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his
wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old Gentleman's' yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just
Helped him cry.'
2. Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture
had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, 'I know all about Adoption, I was adopted..'
'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked another child.
'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'
3. On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was
'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered With a smile.
'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you don't look very discouraged.'
'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a Puzzled look on his face...
'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't Been up to bat yet.'
4. Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being
in it, though she feared he would not be chosen..
On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her,
eyes shining with pride and excitement.. 'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'
5. An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy,
about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering With cold.
A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'
'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,' was the boy's reply.
The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks
for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.
She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed
his little feet, and dried them with the towel.
By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him
a pair of shoes..
She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No
doubt, you will be more comfortable now..'
As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears
in his eyes, asked her:
'Are you God's wife?'
SEND TO ALL WHO LOVE AND CARE FOR CHILDREN.
Hope this put a smile on your face it Sure did mine!
The purpose of the Contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was:
1. A four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his
wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old Gentleman's' yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just
Helped him cry.'
2. Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture
had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, 'I know all about Adoption, I was adopted..'
'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked another child.
'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'
3. On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was
'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered With a smile.
'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you don't look very discouraged.'
'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a Puzzled look on his face...
'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't Been up to bat yet.'
4. Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being
in it, though she feared he would not be chosen..
On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her,
eyes shining with pride and excitement.. 'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'
5. An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy,
about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering With cold.
A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'
'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,' was the boy's reply.
The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks
for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.
She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed
his little feet, and dried them with the towel.
By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him
a pair of shoes..
She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No
doubt, you will be more comfortable now..'
As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears
in his eyes, asked her:
'Are you God's wife?'
SEND TO ALL WHO LOVE AND CARE FOR CHILDREN.
Hope this put a smile on your face it Sure did mine!
The Secrets of The Girl's Night Out
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out, but had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves, and she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and said,
"These damn girl nights have to stop. My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck in the crack of her ass that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We will never forget you!'."
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves, and she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and said,
"These damn girl nights have to stop. My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck in the crack of her ass that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We will never forget you!'."
How To Identify If Your Partner is A Slut
A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.
"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!"
"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!"
The Big Secrets How To Make A Woman Happy
Different Perspectives
2 Woman friends chatting in office.
Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?
Woman 2: It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 mins & fell asleep in 2 mins. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: How was your evening?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate & fell asleep. What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that didn't have money left for a cab.
We walked home which took an hour & when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!
2 Woman friends chatting in office.
Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?
Woman 2: It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 mins & fell asleep in 2 mins. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: How was your evening?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate & fell asleep. What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that didn't have money left for a cab.
We walked home which took an hour & when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!
How To Have The Richest Brother in Law
"A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to
his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
"Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied,
"Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.""
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to
his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
"Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied,
"Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.""
Coca Cola Corporation in Vatican
Actually Cardinal Scola was almost elected but there was dissension from a large Corporation .
His Title would be too similar to their main product .
Pope Scola would confuse people with Pepsi-cola.
His Title would be too similar to their main product .
Pope Scola would confuse people with Pepsi-cola.
Rambu Lalu Lintas Paling Membingungkan di Jakarta
Bejo beserta keluarganya dari kampung menuju jakarta dgn mobil carrynya....
Dibawah fly over dia bingung... ada tulisan didinding atas
"Hati-Hati...utamakan selamat, keluarga anda menunggu dirumah"
Dalam hati bejo... "keluarga siapa??? Kan keluarga ku diajak semua dimobil ini"
Lewat fly over dia bingung lagi...karena gak tau jalan.. cuma alamat aja yg dia punya...lalu dia berhenti untuk bertanya kpd seorang pedagang...
"Permisi pak...kalo mau ke Jalan Mawar, lewat mana yaa?? Tanya bejo...
Ooo...bapak terus aja....nanti ada bundaran perempatan bapak ke kanan ...truss lagi ikuti lampu Traficnya, untuk penunjuk arah yaa ... karena dibundaran situ banyak polisi... kata pedagang itu...
ooyaa pak....trimakasih yaa... Kata bejo.....
Sampai dibundaran bejo yg blm ngerti jalan menghentikan mobilnya...lamaaa banget... sampai didatangi seorang Polantas.....
"Siang pak...kenapa bapak behenti disini??? Tanya polantas....
Anu pak...(Jawab bejo) tadi saya tanya sama orang mw kejalan mawar, trus dia bilang kekanan tapi ikuti lampu trafic...lhaaa lampunya diem aja...jadi saya diem juga...
Polantass ??????????
Begini pak...kalo lampunya hijau bapak jalan yaa...nanti diperempatan sana. Bapak kekiri..
Oooo yaa pak trimakasih..
Sampe diperempatan, bejo tambah bingung....belok kiri apa terus????.....
Ada tulisan diplang penunjuk jalan
"BELOK KIRI JALAN TERUS"...
Bejo garuk-garuk kepala....Sialan aku mau belok malah disuruh TERUS......
Dibawah fly over dia bingung... ada tulisan didinding atas
"Hati-Hati...utamakan selamat, keluarga anda menunggu dirumah"
Dalam hati bejo... "keluarga siapa??? Kan keluarga ku diajak semua dimobil ini"
Lewat fly over dia bingung lagi...karena gak tau jalan.. cuma alamat aja yg dia punya...lalu dia berhenti untuk bertanya kpd seorang pedagang...
"Permisi pak...kalo mau ke Jalan Mawar, lewat mana yaa?? Tanya bejo...
Ooo...bapak terus aja....nanti ada bundaran perempatan bapak ke kanan ...truss lagi ikuti lampu Traficnya, untuk penunjuk arah yaa ... karena dibundaran situ banyak polisi... kata pedagang itu...
ooyaa pak....trimakasih yaa... Kata bejo.....
Sampai dibundaran bejo yg blm ngerti jalan menghentikan mobilnya...lamaaa banget... sampai didatangi seorang Polantas.....
"Siang pak...kenapa bapak behenti disini??? Tanya polantas....
Anu pak...(Jawab bejo) tadi saya tanya sama orang mw kejalan mawar, trus dia bilang kekanan tapi ikuti lampu trafic...lhaaa lampunya diem aja...jadi saya diem juga...
Polantass ??????????
Begini pak...kalo lampunya hijau bapak jalan yaa...nanti diperempatan sana. Bapak kekiri..
Oooo yaa pak trimakasih..
Sampe diperempatan, bejo tambah bingung....belok kiri apa terus????.....
Ada tulisan diplang penunjuk jalan
"BELOK KIRI JALAN TERUS"...
Bejo garuk-garuk kepala....Sialan aku mau belok malah disuruh TERUS......
Rahasia Sukses Orang Tionghoa Berdasarkan Adam dan Hawa
Seandainya Adam & Hawa adalah org Tionghoa
Namanya pasti akan menjadi "Athiam & Ahwa"
Manusia pasti tidak akan jatuh dalam dosa, karena pada tau lah.. otak bisnis orang Tionghoa , begitu melihat buah apel pasti tidak akan dimakan tetapi djual di pasar, lumayaaaan cuan goceng,....
Ularnya pun nggak sempat menggoda, pasti akan ditangkep, lalu dimasak sup utk ciakpoh... atau sate ular...
Hoo cuan ... Hoo chiak... :
dan yang pasti :
Mereka takkan menelantarkan taman Eden kosong krn pasti dibangun ruko atau apartment jadi Graha Taman Eden
Namanya pasti akan menjadi "Athiam & Ahwa"
Manusia pasti tidak akan jatuh dalam dosa, karena pada tau lah.. otak bisnis orang Tionghoa , begitu melihat buah apel pasti tidak akan dimakan tetapi djual di pasar, lumayaaaan cuan goceng,....
Ularnya pun nggak sempat menggoda, pasti akan ditangkep, lalu dimasak sup utk ciakpoh... atau sate ular...
Hoo cuan ... Hoo chiak... :
dan yang pasti :
Mereka takkan menelantarkan taman Eden kosong krn pasti dibangun ruko atau apartment jadi Graha Taman Eden
Cara Mendapatkan Pacar Dalam Semalam
Single itu sebenarnya beda tipis ama yg pacaran......
Perbandingannya:
Pacaran :
1. Terbangun dari tidur
2. Berangkat ke kampus
3. Pulang ngampus janjian ama pacar
4. Ketemu, jalan jalan seharian
5. Dapet kata kata romantis..
Jomblo :
Bacanya dari nomor 2-3-4-5-1
...
Perbandingannya:
Pacaran :
1. Terbangun dari tidur
2. Berangkat ke kampus
3. Pulang ngampus janjian ama pacar
4. Ketemu, jalan jalan seharian
5. Dapet kata kata romantis..
Jomblo :
Bacanya dari nomor 2-3-4-5-1
...
How To Make A Woman Not Asks for Jewelry
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary.
What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
How To Get A Sex from A Widow
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from
the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from
the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
How To Get Sex With Your Sister in Law
You know what Rodeo Sex is?
Rodeo Sex is when you're doing her from behind, and you say,
"Gee, honey, this feels just like your sister," and then you try and hang on for eight seconds.
Rodeo Sex is when you're doing her from behind, and you say,
"Gee, honey, this feels just like your sister," and then you try and hang on for eight seconds.
The Secret Behind 69 Sex Position
what do you do if you see your wife staggering around the garden?
Reload and fire again
what have sperm and refugees got in common?
They both come in their millions and only one of the fuckers work
How about we do a 68, you blow me and I'll owe you one
Reload and fire again
what have sperm and refugees got in common?
They both come in their millions and only one of the fuckers work
How about we do a 68, you blow me and I'll owe you one
How To Get A Blow Job from The Dog
Two winos are staggering down an alleyway, late at night, very drunk on cheap wine.
Happy, arm in arm and singing, they suddenly stop dead in their tracks.
Directly ahead of them is a flea-bitten, old mongrel, male dog - cleaning himself.
One wino staring with bloodshot, unfocused eyes and on unsteady legs at the dog, then his crotch and then
back at the dog.
He says, "Wow! Would I ever like to be able to do THAT!"
His friend looks at him, then the dog and then takes his drunken friend aside,
"You'd better pet him first, he looks vicious".
Happy, arm in arm and singing, they suddenly stop dead in their tracks.
Directly ahead of them is a flea-bitten, old mongrel, male dog - cleaning himself.
One wino staring with bloodshot, unfocused eyes and on unsteady legs at the dog, then his crotch and then
back at the dog.
He says, "Wow! Would I ever like to be able to do THAT!"
His friend looks at him, then the dog and then takes his drunken friend aside,
"You'd better pet him first, he looks vicious".
The World's Safest Airlines - The Blind Pilot
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers don't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines
start revving and the airplane starts moving.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot:
"You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers don't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines
start revving and the airplane starts moving.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot:
"You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
How To Be An Idiot
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
Oh crap! You're going to try and cheer me up, aren't you?
Do not disturb I'm disturbed enough already.
Excuse, but do I look like someone who cares?
I'm sorry. My fault; I forgot you were an idiot.
Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
"A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the memory."
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
"The trouble with life is there's no background music."
"The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
"Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane."
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
Oh crap! You're going to try and cheer me up, aren't you?
Do not disturb I'm disturbed enough already.
Excuse, but do I look like someone who cares?
I'm sorry. My fault; I forgot you were an idiot.
Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
"A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the memory."
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
"The trouble with life is there's no background music."
"The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
"Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane."
How to Know If You're A Wanker
Two builders (Dave & Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here.
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sexlife.
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here.
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sexlife.
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.
How To Eat For Free in All of The Restaurants in States
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"
How To Find Sex Partner in Newspapers
WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
How To Caught Your Cheating Husband
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens,
only hearing he side of the conversation.
She is speaking in a cheery voice:
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens,
only hearing he side of the conversation.
She is speaking in a cheery voice:
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
How To Write A PAPER
How to write a paper in college/university:
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.
2. Log onto MSN and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to the caf and grab a hot chocolate.
Just to get settled down and ready to work.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.
7a. If your room is not clean, take out the garbage and vacuum first.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade.
You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Grab some mp3z off of kazaa.
13. Check your email.
14. MSN chat with one of your friends about the future (ie summer plans).
15. Check your email.
16. Listen to your new mp3z and download some more.
17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet.
Exchange derogatory remarks about your prof, the course, the college, the world at large.
18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You've probably run out.
19. While you've got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.
20. Check your email.
21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing
something truly worthwhile on TV.
22. Play some solitare.
23. Check out bored.com.
24. Wash your hands.
25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven't started either.
26. Look through your housemate's book of pictures from home. Ask who every body is.
27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3
30. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.
31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
33. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
34. Punch the wall and break something.
35. Check your email.
36. Mumble obscenties.
37. 5am - start hacking on the paper without stopping. 6am -paper is finished.
38. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.
39. Go to class, hand in paper, and leave right away so you can take a nap
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.
2. Log onto MSN and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to the caf and grab a hot chocolate.
Just to get settled down and ready to work.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.
7a. If your room is not clean, take out the garbage and vacuum first.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade.
You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Grab some mp3z off of kazaa.
13. Check your email.
14. MSN chat with one of your friends about the future (ie summer plans).
15. Check your email.
16. Listen to your new mp3z and download some more.
17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet.
Exchange derogatory remarks about your prof, the course, the college, the world at large.
18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You've probably run out.
19. While you've got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.
20. Check your email.
21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing
something truly worthwhile on TV.
22. Play some solitare.
23. Check out bored.com.
24. Wash your hands.
25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven't started either.
26. Look through your housemate's book of pictures from home. Ask who every body is.
27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3
30. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.
31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
33. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
34. Punch the wall and break something.
35. Check your email.
36. Mumble obscenties.
37. 5am - start hacking on the paper without stopping. 6am -paper is finished.
38. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.
39. Go to class, hand in paper, and leave right away so you can take a nap
Sex Education in One Minute
Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.
Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you eat it.
Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"
Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.
Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q.) What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
A.) So men can be open minded.
Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you eat it.
Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"
Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.
Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q.) What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
How To Get Sex With The Dog
Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane.
The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now they are going to put me to sleep."
The German Shepherd said "I chewed up my master's shoes yesterday and now they are going to put me to sleep."
The Great Dane said "My master is a beautiful twenty two year old woman. The other day she came out
of the shower and bent over in front of me, so I mounted her and did my thing."
"So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others.
"No, I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now they are going to put me to sleep."
The German Shepherd said "I chewed up my master's shoes yesterday and now they are going to put me to sleep."
The Great Dane said "My master is a beautiful twenty two year old woman. The other day she came out
of the shower and bent over in front of me, so I mounted her and did my thing."
"So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others.
"No, I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
How To Get Sex With Chinese Secretary
The president of Chase Bank, decides he should take a vacation/business trip. Since the president has heard about how much fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the offices there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his secretary.
After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man.
The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese business at a really expensive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the accounts for the Taiwanese businessman. However, the prospective client only seems to be interested in the president's secretary. After the dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his secretary to spend some time with the man. He tells her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the man by rejecting him outright.
After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight in the eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.
The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says "No problem!! I buy. I buy."
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says "Okay, okay. I build, I build."
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman "I cut. I cut."
After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man.
The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese business at a really expensive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the accounts for the Taiwanese businessman. However, the prospective client only seems to be interested in the president's secretary. After the dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his secretary to spend some time with the man. He tells her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the man by rejecting him outright.
After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight in the eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.
The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says "No problem!! I buy. I buy."
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says "Okay, okay. I build, I build."
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman "I cut. I cut."
The Secrets To A Long and Possibly Happy Marriage
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in N.Y.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster,and electric bread maker.
Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down. "
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas.
She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!"
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in N.Y.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster,and electric bread maker.
Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down. "
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas.
She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!"
How To Kill Your Mother In Law Without Getting Caught
One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse, which was followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking
in single file.
Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"Mywife", the man replied.
"Im sorry", said Dave, "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Dave then asked who was in the second hearse.
The man replied, "My mother-in-law, my dog bit her and she died as well."
Dave asked, "Can I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line," replied the man.
in single file.
Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"Mywife", the man replied.
"Im sorry", said Dave, "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Dave then asked who was in the second hearse.
The man replied, "My mother-in-law, my dog bit her and she died as well."
Dave asked, "Can I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line," replied the man.
There's A Liquid on Woman's Sex
What's the difference between a Woman and a Fridge?
A Fridge doesn't drip when you take out your meat!
A Fridge doesn't drip when you take out your meat!
Jobs Vacancy: Signalman
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking,
"What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continues,
"I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argues,
"I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh, well," says Tom,
"in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash!"
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking,
"What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continues,
"I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argues,
"I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh, well," says Tom,
"in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash!"
How To Do Sexual Harassment on Public Transport Without Getting Caught
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, well your Honor, it was like this.
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming" and I had to smile.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.
BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident." I laughed out loud.
"Case Dismissed" said the Judge.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, well your Honor, it was like this.
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming" and I had to smile.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.
BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident." I laughed out loud.
"Case Dismissed" said the Judge.
10 Things I Hate & Love About My Wife
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
How to Make Sure Your Condom Won't Break
What did the penis say to the condom?
Cover me i'm going in.
Cover me i'm going in.
How To Beat A Man - Just for Girls!
FEMALE COMEBACKS
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
How To Divorce Your Wife Without Paying Alimony
A judge was interviewing a Blonde regarding her pending divorce, and he asked her,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied,
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"Why, it is made of concrete, of course," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied,
"we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded,
"about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, frustrated and at the end of his rope, the judge asked,
"Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.
"I've never wanted a divorce. It's my husband that does. He says he can't communicate with me."
"What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied,
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"Why, it is made of concrete, of course," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied,
"we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded,
"about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, frustrated and at the end of his rope, the judge asked,
"Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.
"I've never wanted a divorce. It's my husband that does. He says he can't communicate with me."
How To Get Blow Job In Your Girlfriend's Home
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.
After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ..."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says,
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down
herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."
After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ..."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says,
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down
herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."
How To Get Sex With Your Maid
A little girl asked her mother one day if when she dies she goes to heaven with her legs up in the air.
Her mother replied, no. Why do you ask?
The little girl says, that when she walked past the maids room she saw the maid on the bed with her legs up in the air saying " Oh god I'm coming.",
and that she would have went if daddy was'nt on top of her holding her down.
Her mother replied, no. Why do you ask?
The little girl says, that when she walked past the maids room she saw the maid on the bed with her legs up in the air saying " Oh god I'm coming.",
and that she would have went if daddy was'nt on top of her holding her down.
How To Enter Female Dormitory Without Getting Caught
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, saying, "The
female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50."
He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50."
He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
Never Have Sex For Your Dog
A Dog Named Sex
Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to city Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I'd like one, too!"
Then I said, "But this is for a dog."
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old."
He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.
He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do."
I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Funny -- I have the same problem."
One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets.
"But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV."
He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal anymore."
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."
The judge said, "This courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."
Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.
He said "That's not unusual. It happens to a lot of people."
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?"
I told him that I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up Friday.
Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to city Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I'd like one, too!"
Then I said, "But this is for a dog."
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old."
He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.
He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do."
I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Funny -- I have the same problem."
One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets.
"But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV."
He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal anymore."
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."
The judge said, "This courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."
Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.
He said "That's not unusual. It happens to a lot of people."
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?"
I told him that I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up Friday.
The Fucking Teacher On Classroom
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked,
"Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.
My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office,
the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the
boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks,
"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment replies, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry was taking charge......
Harry: "A Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide, and before he could stop, the answer...
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some who am I" sort of questions, okay? "
Harry: "Yep."
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "A Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: "A Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "A Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "An Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "A Fire truck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself!
The teacher asked,
"Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.
My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office,
the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the
boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks,
"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment replies, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry was taking charge......
Harry: "A Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide, and before he could stop, the answer...
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some who am I" sort of questions, okay? "
Harry: "Yep."
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "A Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: "A Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "A Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "An Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "A Fire truck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself!
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