Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor He is designed to remain Silent indoor...
.....................................................................
"Husband is one who is the head of the family, but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes."
........................................................................
A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil: Nothing, Hell to Hell is Free.
................................................................
Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Every time!
Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever
...........................................................................
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one every day.
.................................................................
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
...................................................................
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.
....................................................................
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...! And life goes on........
Some More from Alfred Boey
Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband.
"Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the rest 23 hours!
My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, and I Didn't.
Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife's Photo and Not Even a Single One Hitting the Target... From Another Room WifeCalled The Husband: Honey What Are You Doing...
Husband: "MISSING YOU"...
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to and touched often.
But push the wrong button and you're disconnected.......
Difference Between Complete & Finish...
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH. But there is...
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED!
How Succesful Jews do Business
Morris (the father)says to his son: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."His son immediately replies: "I will choose my own bride, father."
Morris sighs: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter."The son thinks about this only for a split second - then answers:
"Well, in that case, yes! OK Dad." Morris then approaches Bill Gates and says: "I have a husband for your lovely daughter."Bill Gates quickly answers: "No chance! My daughter is too young to get married!
"Morris says: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates thinks for a while then answers: "Ah well, in that case, yes, that'll be OK with me."
Finally Morris goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Morris smiles and says: "I have a young man to recommend as a Vice-President."
The President hurriedly answers: "Not interested, I already have
more vice-presidents than I need." Morris continues smiling: "But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law." A few seconds pass, then the World Bank President answers: "Ah that's interesting, Hmmm. In that case, well yes, he can start tomorrow."
And that is how successful Jews do business...
Morris sighs: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter."The son thinks about this only for a split second - then answers:
"Well, in that case, yes! OK Dad." Morris then approaches Bill Gates and says: "I have a husband for your lovely daughter."Bill Gates quickly answers: "No chance! My daughter is too young to get married!
"Morris says: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates thinks for a while then answers: "Ah well, in that case, yes, that'll be OK with me."
Finally Morris goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Morris smiles and says: "I have a young man to recommend as a Vice-President."
The President hurriedly answers: "Not interested, I already have
more vice-presidents than I need." Morris continues smiling: "But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law." A few seconds pass, then the World Bank President answers: "Ah that's interesting, Hmmm. In that case, well yes, he can start tomorrow."
And that is how successful Jews do business...
The Reason Why You Should Never Marry a Lawyer
A married lawyer had been having fun in his car with his secretary.
On getting home, his wife saw a pair of panties on the back seat.
She tore it apart, screaming,
"What the hell is this?
What have you been up to??"
If you were the lawyer, what would your reaction be?
.... beg for forgiveness?
.... honesty is the best policy?
(guess before you read on)
He calmly replied ...
"You have just destroyed the evidence of the rape case worth a million
for me, which I'm handling.
You can forget the jewelry you wanted " !!!
She quickly fell on her knees apologizing.
No one */_Wins_/* over a Lawyer, even someone called */_A Wife !!!_/*
On getting home, his wife saw a pair of panties on the back seat.
She tore it apart, screaming,
"What the hell is this?
What have you been up to??"
If you were the lawyer, what would your reaction be?
.... beg for forgiveness?
.... honesty is the best policy?
(guess before you read on)
He calmly replied ...
"You have just destroyed the evidence of the rape case worth a million
for me, which I'm handling.
You can forget the jewelry you wanted " !!!
She quickly fell on her knees apologizing.
No one */_Wins_/* over a Lawyer, even someone called */_A Wife !!!_/*
Rahasia Seks Hebat orang Jawa
Jaran Lanang
Mat Pithi mbarek bojone lagi dolan dolan nang peternakan jaran duweke koncone…
Ambek ngancani Mat Pithi mubeng2, koncone nyritakne siji2 jarane sing dibanggakno ambek dheweke….
“Delengen jaran lanang sing iko Mat, sedino iso kawin sampek ping limo…”
Krungu koyo ngono bojone Mat Pithi langsung bisik bisik…
“Rungokno pakne… sedino ping limo…”
Mat Pithi cumak iso meneng ae… “Lha… nek jaran lanang sing putih iko, sedino iso kawin sampek ping sepuluh…” teruse kancane.
Bojone Mat Pithi luwih semangat lek mbisiki Mat Pithi…. “Rungokno maneh pakne… ping sepuluh sedino…”
Mat Pithi tambah mbingkem thok…. ora let suwe dheweke takok ambek kancane sing duwe peternakan iku….
“Lha sedino ping sepuluh iku ambek jaran wedok siji tah sepuluh?????”
“Yo mesthi ae ambek jaran wedok sepuluh Mat ” ….. ….. ….. …..
“Rungokno bune…. wedokane sepuluh…. ” “?????? …..”
Mat Pithi mbarek bojone lagi dolan dolan nang peternakan jaran duweke koncone…
Ambek ngancani Mat Pithi mubeng2, koncone nyritakne siji2 jarane sing dibanggakno ambek dheweke….
“Delengen jaran lanang sing iko Mat, sedino iso kawin sampek ping limo…”
Krungu koyo ngono bojone Mat Pithi langsung bisik bisik…
“Rungokno pakne… sedino ping limo…”
Mat Pithi cumak iso meneng ae… “Lha… nek jaran lanang sing putih iko, sedino iso kawin sampek ping sepuluh…” teruse kancane.
Bojone Mat Pithi luwih semangat lek mbisiki Mat Pithi…. “Rungokno maneh pakne… ping sepuluh sedino…”
Mat Pithi tambah mbingkem thok…. ora let suwe dheweke takok ambek kancane sing duwe peternakan iku….
“Lha sedino ping sepuluh iku ambek jaran wedok siji tah sepuluh?????”
“Yo mesthi ae ambek jaran wedok sepuluh Mat ” ….. ….. ….. …..
“Rungokno bune…. wedokane sepuluh…. ” “?????? …..”
Kisah TKW asal Jawa di Amerika
Mu'inah, TKW asal Pekalongan Jawa Tengah yang bekerja di Amerika Serikat menyaksikan kecelakaan beruntun di jalan raya tak jauh dari tempatnya bekerja. Karena jiwa penolongnya yang begitu tinggi, dia segera menelpon 911 untuk meminta bantuan..
Ketika Petugas bertanya, "Good morning Mam, may I help you?!" Mu'inah baru tersadar akan kemampuan Bahasa Inggrisnya yang sangat terbatas. Tapi, karena waktu itu sudah kepalang tanggung, dia pun nekad melanjutkan pembicaraan.
"Begini officer. One car come, one car go. The third car nabrak, lha njur, everything ya broke. One car no stop. One, two, three cars, bum! bum! buuum! You know?! And than, mak grobiiiyyyaaak! Yes, like that. Like the rolling stones gumlundhung from the mountain... Krosak.. krosak.. krosak.. ! Gabrus, gabrus, gabrus!!"
Mu'inah mengambil nafas lalu melanjutkan laporan pandangan matanya :
"Wah, one car ngguling ping pirang-purang. The sound like mirror-mirror on the wall dibandhem watu. Krompyaaang !!! One people game over, one man bloody-bloody, one woman cry-cry so loudly!"
Mu'inah pun menutup laporannya : "Bingung aku! Wis ngene wae officer. Send me nguing nguing car ....
Ketika Petugas bertanya, "Good morning Mam, may I help you?!" Mu'inah baru tersadar akan kemampuan Bahasa Inggrisnya yang sangat terbatas. Tapi, karena waktu itu sudah kepalang tanggung, dia pun nekad melanjutkan pembicaraan.
"Begini officer. One car come, one car go. The third car nabrak, lha njur, everything ya broke. One car no stop. One, two, three cars, bum! bum! buuum! You know?! And than, mak grobiiiyyyaaak! Yes, like that. Like the rolling stones gumlundhung from the mountain... Krosak.. krosak.. krosak.. ! Gabrus, gabrus, gabrus!!"
Mu'inah mengambil nafas lalu melanjutkan laporan pandangan matanya :
"Wah, one car ngguling ping pirang-purang. The sound like mirror-mirror on the wall dibandhem watu. Krompyaaang !!! One people game over, one man bloody-bloody, one woman cry-cry so loudly!"
Mu'inah pun menutup laporannya : "Bingung aku! Wis ngene wae officer. Send me nguing nguing car ....
Misteri di balik Tahun Baru dan Hari Natal
Seorang mabuk naik kereta, lalu bertanya pada petugas soal lama perjalanan dari JOGYA ke SOLO....!
" Pak,....perjalanan dari JOGYA ke SOLO, berapa lama ya ? "....... tanya orang mabuk.
" Sekitar dua jam.....! "....... jawab petugas.
" Nah, kalau begitu berapa lama perjalanan dari SOLO ke JOGYA.... "....tanya orang mabuk.
" Ya, sama.....dua jam, Hai bung,.....apa yang membuatmu berpikir kalau pejalanan dari JOGYA ke SOLO dan dari SOLO ke JOGYA itu membutuhkan waktu yang berbeda...? " tanya petugas kesal....!
Orang mabuk itu menatapnya......
" Pak dengar ya,......hanya seminggu dari hari NATAL ke TAHUN BARU, .......tapi dari TAHUN BARU ke hari NATAL rasanya.... lamaaaaaaaaaaaaa banget..... iya kan Pak "
Petugas.....????????? Iya juga ya........
yang mabuk dia apa saya ya.....!
Yg baca jgn ikut2an mabok ya ????
" Pak,....perjalanan dari JOGYA ke SOLO, berapa lama ya ? "....... tanya orang mabuk.
" Sekitar dua jam.....! "....... jawab petugas.
" Nah, kalau begitu berapa lama perjalanan dari SOLO ke JOGYA.... "....tanya orang mabuk.
" Ya, sama.....dua jam, Hai bung,.....apa yang membuatmu berpikir kalau pejalanan dari JOGYA ke SOLO dan dari SOLO ke JOGYA itu membutuhkan waktu yang berbeda...? " tanya petugas kesal....!
Orang mabuk itu menatapnya......
" Pak dengar ya,......hanya seminggu dari hari NATAL ke TAHUN BARU, .......tapi dari TAHUN BARU ke hari NATAL rasanya.... lamaaaaaaaaaaaaa banget..... iya kan Pak "
Petugas.....????????? Iya juga ya........
yang mabuk dia apa saya ya.....!
Yg baca jgn ikut2an mabok ya ????
Arti utama GBU buat orang Kristen
Om Petrus, seorang Pendeta tua, punya warung kecil2an untuk tambahan biaya hidup sehari-hari.
Di depan warungnya ada tulisan besar GBU.
Seorang anak muda bilang sama om Petrus: "Wah hebat ya, karena om seorg pendeta om selalu memberkati orang yang belanja dengan tulisan GBU (God Bless You)."
Om Petrus jawab: "Oh bukan, GBU disini artinya Gak Boleh Utang"...
hahahahahahaha-----
Di depan warungnya ada tulisan besar GBU.
Seorang anak muda bilang sama om Petrus: "Wah hebat ya, karena om seorg pendeta om selalu memberkati orang yang belanja dengan tulisan GBU (God Bless You)."
Om Petrus jawab: "Oh bukan, GBU disini artinya Gak Boleh Utang"...
hahahahahahaha-----
Misteri Setan di Kuburan
Pencuri & malaikat pencabut nyawa
Suatu Hari Sodrun dan Jon Koplak melancarkan aksinya mencuri jeruk di kebun tetangga. Emang dasar profesional, dg mudahnya mereka mampu mengumpulkan sekarung Jeruk.
Segera setelah "packing", mereka bergegas lari sekenceng2nya ke arah Pekuburan utk menghilangkan jejak..
Tatkala hampir mencapai GERBANG KUBURAN, si Sodrun tersandung dan terguling-guling. Alhasil jeruknya terlontar 2 buah di Gerbang Kuburan. Tapi ditinggalkan begitu saja dan mereka segera masuk utk sembunyi di balik Batu Nisan.
Ketika dirasa udah aman, si Jon Koplak mulai berbagi hasil dg Sodrun..
"Gue satu..elu satu..Gue satu..elu satu..Gue satu..elu satu..."
Terus demikian sampai tanpa sepengetahuan mereka lewatlah orang yg bernama Sardot, melewati nisan tersebut dan terhenti serta napas tersengal-sengal, lantaran mendengar suara aneh dari kuburan..
.
"Gue satu..elu satu..Gue satu..elu satu..Gue satu..elu satu..."
Kaget, takut, juga ngeri, si Sardot segera ngacir dan mencari pak Kyai di sekitar situ...
.
"Gue satu..elu satu..Gue satu..elu satu..Gue satu..elu satu..."
Pak kyai dan Sardot ngintip dari GERBANG KUBURAN ..
Lalu Sardot nanya ke pak kyai "apa itu suara Malaikat dan Iblis yg lagi bagi2 Jatah, Jiwa manusia ya Pak Kyai.. ?
"Gue jg kagak paham Dot" jawab pak kyai
Tak lama terdengar lg suara dari kuburan......Sunyi Senyap !!!
"Sudah selesai...sekarang yg dua buah jeruk di GERBANG KUBURAN yg jatuh itu, siapa yang mau ambil? Loe atawa gua??"
"WAAAAAAAA!!"
(Sontak pak Kyai dan Sardot lari terbirit-birit ) Takut dicabut nyawanya !!!!!
Suatu Hari Sodrun dan Jon Koplak melancarkan aksinya mencuri jeruk di kebun tetangga. Emang dasar profesional, dg mudahnya mereka mampu mengumpulkan sekarung Jeruk.
Segera setelah "packing", mereka bergegas lari sekenceng2nya ke arah Pekuburan utk menghilangkan jejak..
Tatkala hampir mencapai GERBANG KUBURAN, si Sodrun tersandung dan terguling-guling. Alhasil jeruknya terlontar 2 buah di Gerbang Kuburan. Tapi ditinggalkan begitu saja dan mereka segera masuk utk sembunyi di balik Batu Nisan.
Ketika dirasa udah aman, si Jon Koplak mulai berbagi hasil dg Sodrun..
"Gue satu..elu satu..Gue satu..elu satu..Gue satu..elu satu..."
Terus demikian sampai tanpa sepengetahuan mereka lewatlah orang yg bernama Sardot, melewati nisan tersebut dan terhenti serta napas tersengal-sengal, lantaran mendengar suara aneh dari kuburan..
.
"Gue satu..elu satu..Gue satu..elu satu..Gue satu..elu satu..."
Kaget, takut, juga ngeri, si Sardot segera ngacir dan mencari pak Kyai di sekitar situ...
.
"Gue satu..elu satu..Gue satu..elu satu..Gue satu..elu satu..."
Pak kyai dan Sardot ngintip dari GERBANG KUBURAN ..
Lalu Sardot nanya ke pak kyai "apa itu suara Malaikat dan Iblis yg lagi bagi2 Jatah, Jiwa manusia ya Pak Kyai.. ?
"Gue jg kagak paham Dot" jawab pak kyai
Tak lama terdengar lg suara dari kuburan......Sunyi Senyap !!!
"Sudah selesai...sekarang yg dua buah jeruk di GERBANG KUBURAN yg jatuh itu, siapa yang mau ambil? Loe atawa gua??"
"WAAAAAAAA!!"
(Sontak pak Kyai dan Sardot lari terbirit-birit ) Takut dicabut nyawanya !!!!!
Cara Naik Ojek dengan Harga Murah
Ketika seorang tukang bakso dan tukang ojek ketemu, inilah percakapan sesama pebisnis kecil :
tukang Ojek : pak, berapa semangkuk baksonya?
tukang bakso : 5 ribu aja pak...
tukang ojek : 3 ribu boleh?
tukang bakso :(setelah pikir-pikir beberapa lama akhirnya) ya bolehlah. dan tukang bakso menyiapkan semangkuk bakso untuk tukang ojek, tapi tukang ojek bingung menerima semangkuk bakso yang disodorkan.
tukang ojek : lho, sendoknya mana pak? saya makannya pake apa?
tukang bakso : maaf pak, 3ribu ga pake sendok.
Setelah makan bakso dengan tangan tanpa sendok, si tukang bakso yang dagangannya telah habis hendak pulang. karena malas berjalan, tukang bakso ingin naik ojek.
tukang bakso : pak, berapa naik ojek ke daerah glodok?
tukang ojek : Oh, 7 ribu aja pak.
tukang bakso : hmm, 3 ribu aja boleh?
Setelah pikir-pikir beberapa lama
akhirnya...
tukang ojek : ya, boleh juga
Akhirnya tukang bakso naik ojek sambil menggeret gerobak baksonya. namun ketika sudah sampai ke tempat A, si tukang bakso terkejut karena tukang ojek tak juga berhenti meskipun tempat tujuan sudah terlewati,
tukang bakso : eee, stop pak, sudah kelewatan itu, stop stop! teriak tukang bakso.
Tukang ojek : Maaf pak, 3 ribu ga pake rem....
tukang Ojek : pak, berapa semangkuk baksonya?
tukang bakso : 5 ribu aja pak...
tukang ojek : 3 ribu boleh?
tukang bakso :(setelah pikir-pikir beberapa lama akhirnya) ya bolehlah. dan tukang bakso menyiapkan semangkuk bakso untuk tukang ojek, tapi tukang ojek bingung menerima semangkuk bakso yang disodorkan.
tukang ojek : lho, sendoknya mana pak? saya makannya pake apa?
tukang bakso : maaf pak, 3ribu ga pake sendok.
Setelah makan bakso dengan tangan tanpa sendok, si tukang bakso yang dagangannya telah habis hendak pulang. karena malas berjalan, tukang bakso ingin naik ojek.
tukang bakso : pak, berapa naik ojek ke daerah glodok?
tukang ojek : Oh, 7 ribu aja pak.
tukang bakso : hmm, 3 ribu aja boleh?
Setelah pikir-pikir beberapa lama
akhirnya...
tukang ojek : ya, boleh juga
Akhirnya tukang bakso naik ojek sambil menggeret gerobak baksonya. namun ketika sudah sampai ke tempat A, si tukang bakso terkejut karena tukang ojek tak juga berhenti meskipun tempat tujuan sudah terlewati,
tukang bakso : eee, stop pak, sudah kelewatan itu, stop stop! teriak tukang bakso.
Tukang ojek : Maaf pak, 3 ribu ga pake rem....
Cara Mendapatkan ABG - Buat para hidung belang
Chatting Gaul
Oom2 lagi chatting sama simpenannya yg masih ABG
Oom: Lagi apa, yang ?
ABG: l461 54nt41 4j4 n1h. Oom l4g1 4p4 ?
Oom: Hape kamu lagi rusak ?
ABG: g4k, k3n4p4 em6 ?
Oom: Kamu chatting pake hape apa kalkulator?
Oom2 lagi chatting sama simpenannya yg masih ABG
Oom: Lagi apa, yang ?
ABG: l461 54nt41 4j4 n1h. Oom l4g1 4p4 ?
Oom: Hape kamu lagi rusak ?
ABG: g4k, k3n4p4 em6 ?
Oom: Kamu chatting pake hape apa kalkulator?
Rahasia Investasi para Milliarder
Investasi properti akan menguntungkan asal tau kapan, dimana, bagaimana dan cara memperhitungan dari berbagai aspek kehidupan.
Coba simak kisah berikut ini:
Aada cowo... 3 tahun lalu piara seorang istri muda di Jakarta, terus dia beli satu rumah mewah 2 lantai di daerah elite di Jakarta Selatan, seharga Rp. 1,8 M. Dia memberikan biaya hidup Rp. 15 juta/ bulan untuk istri mudanya. Tahun lalu, dia putus sama istri mudanya itu, terus dia jual rumah mewahnya dan ternyata laku dijual seharga Rp. 3,7 M.
Lalu di hitung-hitung, dia keluarkan biaya Rp. 15 juta x 3 tahun = Rp. 540 Juta.
Jadi : Rp. 3,7 M - Rp. 1,8 M - Rp. 540 juta = Rp.1,36 M
Berarti masih dapat keuntungan serta pakai cuma-cuma ceweknya itu selama tiga tahun!!
Akhirnya dia memberikan hasil keuntungannya itu pada istrinya sebesar 1,36 M... tapi istrinya malah marah besar..!!!
terus dia malah ditempeleng dan kata istrinya: "Dasar laki-laki goblok!!! Kenapa nggak sekalian piara 2 atau 3 sekaligus saja kalau tau investasi bagus begini?"
Coba simak kisah berikut ini:
Aada cowo... 3 tahun lalu piara seorang istri muda di Jakarta, terus dia beli satu rumah mewah 2 lantai di daerah elite di Jakarta Selatan, seharga Rp. 1,8 M. Dia memberikan biaya hidup Rp. 15 juta/ bulan untuk istri mudanya. Tahun lalu, dia putus sama istri mudanya itu, terus dia jual rumah mewahnya dan ternyata laku dijual seharga Rp. 3,7 M.
Lalu di hitung-hitung, dia keluarkan biaya Rp. 15 juta x 3 tahun = Rp. 540 Juta.
Jadi : Rp. 3,7 M - Rp. 1,8 M - Rp. 540 juta = Rp.1,36 M
Berarti masih dapat keuntungan serta pakai cuma-cuma ceweknya itu selama tiga tahun!!
Akhirnya dia memberikan hasil keuntungannya itu pada istrinya sebesar 1,36 M... tapi istrinya malah marah besar..!!!
terus dia malah ditempeleng dan kata istrinya: "Dasar laki-laki goblok!!! Kenapa nggak sekalian piara 2 atau 3 sekaligus saja kalau tau investasi bagus begini?"
Rahasia Ampuh cara memperbesar Penis - Lebih dari Mak EROT
Sepasang pengantin baru mulai membiasakan diri menyesuaikan dengan perubahan yang terjadi. Setelah selesai mandi, si istri keluar kamar mandi dengan menggunakan handuk. Si suami bertanya 'koq masih pake handuk sih?? kan qt dah merit?'.
Sambil tersipu si istri menjawab 'Oh iya,lupa..'. Lalu dia melepas handuknya
Si suami terpesona menatap tubuh istrinya n berkata 'Wow..indah sekali..kamu cantik banget. 'Sambil dia mendesah
Kemudian dia bertanya 'Bolehkah aku memotretnya?'.
Si istri kaget & bertanya 'Apa??? memotret?'.
Si suami menjawab 'Iya,biar kecantikanmu selalu bisa kubawa didekat hatiku selamanya'.
Si istri tersenyum & membiarkan si suami memotret.
Kemudian si suami mandi. Setelah selesai dia keluar kamar mandi dengan tetap memakai handuk.
Si istri bertanya 'Lho koq masih pake handuk sih? kan qt dah nikah?'.
Si suami langsung membuka handuknya
Si istri terkejut melihatnya sambil mendesah
Lalu si istri bertanya 'Bolehkah aku memotretnya?'.
Sambil tersenyum si suami bertanya untuk apa?
Si istri menjawab 'Klo dipotret kan bisa diperbesarrr,,,".
...Hohoho.....
"Ah..ternyataaaa..."
Sambil tersipu si istri menjawab 'Oh iya,lupa..'. Lalu dia melepas handuknya
Si suami terpesona menatap tubuh istrinya n berkata 'Wow..indah sekali..kamu cantik banget. 'Sambil dia mendesah
Kemudian dia bertanya 'Bolehkah aku memotretnya?'.
Si istri kaget & bertanya 'Apa??? memotret?'.
Si suami menjawab 'Iya,biar kecantikanmu selalu bisa kubawa didekat hatiku selamanya'.
Si istri tersenyum & membiarkan si suami memotret.
Kemudian si suami mandi. Setelah selesai dia keluar kamar mandi dengan tetap memakai handuk.
Si istri bertanya 'Lho koq masih pake handuk sih? kan qt dah nikah?'.
Si suami langsung membuka handuknya
Si istri terkejut melihatnya sambil mendesah
Lalu si istri bertanya 'Bolehkah aku memotretnya?'.
Sambil tersenyum si suami bertanya untuk apa?
Si istri menjawab 'Klo dipotret kan bisa diperbesarrr,,,".
...Hohoho.....
"Ah..ternyataaaa..."
Bagaimana Cara Mendapatkan dua Istri
Kata teman saya, kalau kita bersyukur, kelak Tuhan akan menambah apa yang kita syukuri...
...dan aku bersyukur punya istri...
...dan aku bersyukur punya istri...
Kumpulan Gombal
** Ak minta Pinmu donk|Pin bknnya km sdh punya?|ya yg kali ini PINdahin seluruh cintamu, ke dlm hatiku ?
* Nanti belajar yuk? | belajar apa? | belajar memahami hati masing-masing
* Tau ga km persamaanya dgn soal ujian ? |apa tuch ?|sama2 perlu diperjuangkan krn menyangkut masa depanku ?
* Menunggu itu menjadi mudah, asalkan kau temani ak sambil menghabiskan seluruh sisa waktuku ?
* Boleh pinjem hpmu gak?" ak mau telp sebentar, Cuma mau kabari orangtuamu, bidadarinya itu aman bersama dengan ak ?
* Tau ga kenapa donat selalu bolong tengahnya ? krn yg utuh dan bulat hanya cintaku untukmu
* Aku tahu satu jam itu 60 menit dan satu menit itu 60 detik. Tapi aku gak pernah tahu kalau satu detik tanpa kamu itu seperti seumur hidup..
* Gimana kalo kita berdua jadi komplotan penjahat: Aku mencuri hatimu, dan kamu mencuri hatiku ?
* Bertemu denganmu adalah takdir, menjadi temanmu adalah pilihanku, tapi jatuh cinta denganmu itu di luar kemampuanku..
* Ingin meraih kembali cintamu menjadi kenyataan. Saat diriku dalam
siksaan cinta, dirimu melenggang pergi tanpa pernah memikirkanku.
* Apa bedanya angkot dengan kamu? emang apa bang? klo angkot jauh dekat
2.000,,, klo kmu jauh dekat di hati akuu...
* Hey kamu! Iya kamu, coba sini aku lihat, stop kontaknya di mana sih?
kok tatapan matanya nyentrum gitu~ ?
* Aku gak butuh satu juta mawar darimu, aku hanya butuh cinta dan kasih
sayang yang tulus dari dirimu aja.
* Baca majalah, menyerap banyak ilmu. Hati ini tak akan lelah, untuk
selalu mencintaimu ?
* Seandainya kau adalah bunga, biarkan diriku menjadi POT untuk menjagamu.
* Aku gak mau jadi superhero. | Kenapa? | Aku mau nya jadi SuperDAD buat
kamu dan anak-anak kita ?
* Kalo kamu mobil aku jadi garasi, kemanapun kamu pergi akan balik ke
pelukanku lagi.
* Satu-satunya cara mengetahui masa depanku adalah dengan menatap kedua
matamu.
* Kopi ini pahit, tapi kalau minum sambil melihat dirimu, kopi ini
terasa manis deh...
* KOMPAS, BuletinSiang, Silet, Liputan 6, Detik, Antara, LintasBerita
adalah berita SUPER BASI, kabar darimu lah yang selalu kunanti...
* Sumpah kamu tuh nakutin banget jadi orang| Hah takut kenapa? | bikin
aku takut kehilangan kamu | Ih yayang Bisa aja dah ?
* Kita ke toko bunga yuk! | Mau beli apa? | Beli bibit cinta buat
ditanam di hatimu.
* Tolong napas aku sesek banget ! | Aduh kok bisa ? | Karena separuh
nafasku ada di kamu.
* Seandainya aku menjadi gelas, aku hanya mau diisi oleh cintamu, karena
hanya cintamu yg dapat mengisi penuh hatiku ?
* Menjaga kebersihan itu memang wajib, tapi menjaga perasaan kamu itu
lebih wajib bagi aku.
* Kalo spongebob kenal kamu, pasti dia berhenti berburu ubur-ubur dan
jadi sainganku buat berburu cinta kamu.
* Kalo mencintaimu seperti air isi ulang, mungkin ak adalah pengusaha
paling sukses, krn takkan pernah kering ?
* Alfabet itu dimulai dengan ABC. Urutan angka itu dimulai dengan 123.
Dan cinta itu dimulai dengan aku dan kamu ?
* Neng tolong pasangin iklan donk!!| iklan apa bang?| Dicari wanita yg
cantik sempurna dan sebaik dirimu | "_" ?
* Aku pengen bersamamu cuma pada dua waktu : SEKARANG dan SELAMANYA.
* Sekarang aku gemukan gak sih? kamu tau gak kenapa? soalnya km udah
mengembangkan cinta yang banyak dihatiku.
* Setiap malam aku berjalan-jalan di suatu tempat. Kamu tau di mana itu
? Di hatimu Aku nggak menangis karena kehilanganmu, tapi mengetahui kau
tak pernah berusaha mencegahku pergi.
* Kamu pakai kartu apa sih? Kok sinyalnya kuat banget sampai menembus
hatiku ?
* Kalo pulsa dan hape adalah sepaket, maka ak dan km adalah paket
terindah, krn tanpa salah satu tiada gunanya
* Tau ga? kenapa saya lebih suka apel dibandingkan anggur | Kenapa |
soalnya saya lebih suka ngapelin kamu, di bandingkan nganggurin
kamu....hihihi
* Kamu ga di cariin orang tua kamu apa? Kok setiap malam selalu hadir
dalam mimpiku sih!
* Kamu tahu, apa persamaan rasa sayangku ke kamu dengan matahari?
Persamaannya adalah sama-sama terbit setiap hari dan hanya akan berakhir
sampai kiamat.
* Jatuh dan gagal sudah biasa, tetapi jatuh pada satu hati itu baru luar
biasa dan itu hanya terjadi pada kamu.
* Walaupun aku udah dewasa tapi aku gak bisa hidup mandiri, buktinya aku
gak bisa hidup tanpa kamu.
* Neng, tuh UFO-nya udah dateng. | Hah? ada apa ini?! | Sengaja aku
panggil, supaya membawa kita ke planet cinta. ?
* Tidak pernah ada kata TERLAMBAT dalam BELAJAR, begitupula tidak ada
kata terlambat buat km untuk mencintaiku ?
* Kata tidak cukup itu mengambarkan perasaanku tentang dirimu, bagaimana
mungkin ak akan cukup bila ak belum memiliki cintamu ? :'(
* Perutku suka keroncongan tiap malam, tetapi lebih keroncongan lagi di
hati ini tanpa dirimu
* Nanti belajar yuk? | belajar apa? | belajar memahami hati masing-masing
* Tau ga km persamaanya dgn soal ujian ? |apa tuch ?|sama2 perlu diperjuangkan krn menyangkut masa depanku ?
* Menunggu itu menjadi mudah, asalkan kau temani ak sambil menghabiskan seluruh sisa waktuku ?
* Boleh pinjem hpmu gak?" ak mau telp sebentar, Cuma mau kabari orangtuamu, bidadarinya itu aman bersama dengan ak ?
* Tau ga kenapa donat selalu bolong tengahnya ? krn yg utuh dan bulat hanya cintaku untukmu
* Aku tahu satu jam itu 60 menit dan satu menit itu 60 detik. Tapi aku gak pernah tahu kalau satu detik tanpa kamu itu seperti seumur hidup..
* Gimana kalo kita berdua jadi komplotan penjahat: Aku mencuri hatimu, dan kamu mencuri hatiku ?
* Bertemu denganmu adalah takdir, menjadi temanmu adalah pilihanku, tapi jatuh cinta denganmu itu di luar kemampuanku..
* Ingin meraih kembali cintamu menjadi kenyataan. Saat diriku dalam
siksaan cinta, dirimu melenggang pergi tanpa pernah memikirkanku.
* Apa bedanya angkot dengan kamu? emang apa bang? klo angkot jauh dekat
2.000,,, klo kmu jauh dekat di hati akuu...
* Hey kamu! Iya kamu, coba sini aku lihat, stop kontaknya di mana sih?
kok tatapan matanya nyentrum gitu~ ?
* Aku gak butuh satu juta mawar darimu, aku hanya butuh cinta dan kasih
sayang yang tulus dari dirimu aja.
* Baca majalah, menyerap banyak ilmu. Hati ini tak akan lelah, untuk
selalu mencintaimu ?
* Seandainya kau adalah bunga, biarkan diriku menjadi POT untuk menjagamu.
* Aku gak mau jadi superhero. | Kenapa? | Aku mau nya jadi SuperDAD buat
kamu dan anak-anak kita ?
* Kalo kamu mobil aku jadi garasi, kemanapun kamu pergi akan balik ke
pelukanku lagi.
* Satu-satunya cara mengetahui masa depanku adalah dengan menatap kedua
matamu.
* Kopi ini pahit, tapi kalau minum sambil melihat dirimu, kopi ini
terasa manis deh...
* KOMPAS, BuletinSiang, Silet, Liputan 6, Detik, Antara, LintasBerita
adalah berita SUPER BASI, kabar darimu lah yang selalu kunanti...
* Sumpah kamu tuh nakutin banget jadi orang| Hah takut kenapa? | bikin
aku takut kehilangan kamu | Ih yayang Bisa aja dah ?
* Kita ke toko bunga yuk! | Mau beli apa? | Beli bibit cinta buat
ditanam di hatimu.
* Tolong napas aku sesek banget ! | Aduh kok bisa ? | Karena separuh
nafasku ada di kamu.
* Seandainya aku menjadi gelas, aku hanya mau diisi oleh cintamu, karena
hanya cintamu yg dapat mengisi penuh hatiku ?
* Menjaga kebersihan itu memang wajib, tapi menjaga perasaan kamu itu
lebih wajib bagi aku.
* Kalo spongebob kenal kamu, pasti dia berhenti berburu ubur-ubur dan
jadi sainganku buat berburu cinta kamu.
* Kalo mencintaimu seperti air isi ulang, mungkin ak adalah pengusaha
paling sukses, krn takkan pernah kering ?
* Alfabet itu dimulai dengan ABC. Urutan angka itu dimulai dengan 123.
Dan cinta itu dimulai dengan aku dan kamu ?
* Neng tolong pasangin iklan donk!!| iklan apa bang?| Dicari wanita yg
cantik sempurna dan sebaik dirimu | "_" ?
* Aku pengen bersamamu cuma pada dua waktu : SEKARANG dan SELAMANYA.
* Sekarang aku gemukan gak sih? kamu tau gak kenapa? soalnya km udah
mengembangkan cinta yang banyak dihatiku.
* Setiap malam aku berjalan-jalan di suatu tempat. Kamu tau di mana itu
? Di hatimu Aku nggak menangis karena kehilanganmu, tapi mengetahui kau
tak pernah berusaha mencegahku pergi.
* Kamu pakai kartu apa sih? Kok sinyalnya kuat banget sampai menembus
hatiku ?
* Kalo pulsa dan hape adalah sepaket, maka ak dan km adalah paket
terindah, krn tanpa salah satu tiada gunanya
* Tau ga? kenapa saya lebih suka apel dibandingkan anggur | Kenapa |
soalnya saya lebih suka ngapelin kamu, di bandingkan nganggurin
kamu....hihihi
* Kamu ga di cariin orang tua kamu apa? Kok setiap malam selalu hadir
dalam mimpiku sih!
* Kamu tahu, apa persamaan rasa sayangku ke kamu dengan matahari?
Persamaannya adalah sama-sama terbit setiap hari dan hanya akan berakhir
sampai kiamat.
* Jatuh dan gagal sudah biasa, tetapi jatuh pada satu hati itu baru luar
biasa dan itu hanya terjadi pada kamu.
* Walaupun aku udah dewasa tapi aku gak bisa hidup mandiri, buktinya aku
gak bisa hidup tanpa kamu.
* Neng, tuh UFO-nya udah dateng. | Hah? ada apa ini?! | Sengaja aku
panggil, supaya membawa kita ke planet cinta. ?
* Tidak pernah ada kata TERLAMBAT dalam BELAJAR, begitupula tidak ada
kata terlambat buat km untuk mencintaiku ?
* Kata tidak cukup itu mengambarkan perasaanku tentang dirimu, bagaimana
mungkin ak akan cukup bila ak belum memiliki cintamu ? :'(
* Perutku suka keroncongan tiap malam, tetapi lebih keroncongan lagi di
hati ini tanpa dirimu
How to Sex with underage or Lolita - Just for Pedophilia and the Maniacs
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying. Why??? Coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything.
On their first night both were crying. Why??? Coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything.
The Reason You Don't Need to Stay Virgin
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to " RETURNED UNOPENED "
How To Get Sex in The Dentist Room
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly. "
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly. "
How To Make A Man Happy
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy and .... wife on the cover of " missing persons. "
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy and .... wife on the cover of " missing persons. "
The Most WANTED profession in The World
Teacher: what do you want to become?
Johnny: doctor!!
Teacher: why?
Johnny: coz its the only profession where you can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it!
Johnny: doctor!!
Teacher: why?
Johnny: coz its the only profession where you can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it!
How To Have Better Sex
Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get a full satisfactory service,
and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service "
Sometimes you get a full satisfactory service,
and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service "
The Secret to be Successful Person
Behind every successful woman, there is a satisfied man.
but behind a satisfied woman, there is an exhausted man
but behind a satisfied woman, there is an exhausted man
The Story Behind Swimsuit - Better Than Naked
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.
Never Marry A man Like This
Kiss is a gamble, sex is
a game,
boys do the action & Girls get the Pain,
Guys say its fine,
But nine months later guys say its not Mine
boys do the action & Girls get the Pain,
Guys say its fine,
But nine months later guys say its not Mine
How to increase your salary without changing jobs
The Mexican Maid
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk
to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better
than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban, he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban deed."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener deed."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk
to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better
than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban, he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban deed."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener deed."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
Crazy unbelievable English
You think English is easy?? I think a retired English Teacher was bored.
THIS IS GREAT! No wonder immigrants struggle with the English language.
This took a lot of work to put together!
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewerline.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ..
There's a two-letter word that has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP,you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out, we say it is clearingUP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP,
so........it is time to shut UP!
Now it's UP to you what you do with this email.
THIS IS GREAT! No wonder immigrants struggle with the English language.
This took a lot of work to put together!
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewerline.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ..
There's a two-letter word that has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP,you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out, we say it is clearingUP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP,
so........it is time to shut UP!
Now it's UP to you what you do with this email.
How Life Has Changed
How Life Has Changed
Remember when we were young?
Life was so much simpler
Symptoms and Diagnosis:
1. Skippy heartbeat when you think of him/her.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Ventricular fibrillation and Myocardial Infarction.
2. Restless trembling of hands, feet and other body parts.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Parkinson's Disease
3. Constant smiling.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Bell's Palsy
4. Absent mindedness, inability to focus on tasks at work or at home.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Early Onset of Alzheimer's Disease
5. Weakening of knees and bursts of energy when he/she calls or visits.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Multiple Sclerosis
6. Inability to stop thinking about her.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
7. Bruising on neck and other tender areas.
Symptoms then: Love bites.
Diagnosis now: Leukaemia
8. Insomnia.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia
9. Feeling that you can smell/hear/feel her when not in her presence.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Schizophrenia
..........how life has changed!!!
Remember when we were young?
Life was so much simpler
Symptoms and Diagnosis:
1. Skippy heartbeat when you think of him/her.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Ventricular fibrillation and Myocardial Infarction.
2. Restless trembling of hands, feet and other body parts.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Parkinson's Disease
3. Constant smiling.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Bell's Palsy
4. Absent mindedness, inability to focus on tasks at work or at home.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Early Onset of Alzheimer's Disease
5. Weakening of knees and bursts of energy when he/she calls or visits.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Multiple Sclerosis
6. Inability to stop thinking about her.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
7. Bruising on neck and other tender areas.
Symptoms then: Love bites.
Diagnosis now: Leukaemia
8. Insomnia.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia
9. Feeling that you can smell/hear/feel her when not in her presence.
Symptoms then: Love
Diagnosis now: Schizophrenia
..........how life has changed!!!
How to Choose a Man to Marry
Marriage or Relationship
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's
Then adopt a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
For as long and wherever you want ...
Then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care
About football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
..then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
Warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
..then adopt a dog !
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves
You unconditionally, perpetually ..
..then adopt a dog.
BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
All over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...
.
.
.
.
.
.
..then adopt a cat!
You thought I was gonna say... Marry a man, didn't you?
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them!
You...
....have a GREAT Day!!!
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's
Then adopt a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
For as long and wherever you want ...
Then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care
About football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
..then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
Warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
..then adopt a dog !
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves
You unconditionally, perpetually ..
..then adopt a dog.
BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
All over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...
.
.
.
.
.
.
..then adopt a cat!
You thought I was gonna say... Marry a man, didn't you?
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them!
You...
....have a GREAT Day!!!
Test Free TOEFL
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Teacher: The only reason I always try to meet and know the parents better is because it helps me to forgive the children.
What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
I break for imaginary objects
What do you call a used tampon floating in a river?
A blood vessel.
Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
They have shaky hands!
What's the difference between sin and shame? It is a sin to put it in,
but it's a shame to pull it out.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One ...
Men will screw anything.
Money can't buy you love, but it sure makes shopping fun!
Wrestlers don't like to be put on hold.
My electrician usually worries about current events.
What's the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish it will die!
What do you call skunks having oral sex?
Odor eaters!
What do elephants use as tampons?
Sheep!
What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?
Sparky!
What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
"You know, we do taste like chicken!"
Teacher: The only reason I always try to meet and know the parents better is because it helps me to forgive the children.
What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
I break for imaginary objects
What do you call a used tampon floating in a river?
A blood vessel.
Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
They have shaky hands!
What's the difference between sin and shame? It is a sin to put it in,
but it's a shame to pull it out.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One ...
Men will screw anything.
Money can't buy you love, but it sure makes shopping fun!
Wrestlers don't like to be put on hold.
My electrician usually worries about current events.
What's the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish it will die!
What do you call skunks having oral sex?
Odor eaters!
What do elephants use as tampons?
Sheep!
What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?
Sparky!
What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
"You know, we do taste like chicken!"
How to Know if Your Girlfriend Is Cheating on You
A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.
Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.
"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiance has a particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."
The guy paled.
"If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"
"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."
Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.
"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiance has a particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."
The guy paled.
"If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"
"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."
How To Sex With Your Dog
A woman complained to her vet that her mongrel dog would start to fuck her every time he came into the house.
"Is there anything you can do?" she asked.
"Well," The vet said, "We could cut his balls off to cut his sex drive down."
"Oh no," the woman replied, "that seems a bit rough. Couldn't you just clip his nails and do something about his bad breath?"
"Is there anything you can do?" she asked.
"Well," The vet said, "We could cut his balls off to cut his sex drive down."
"Oh no," the woman replied, "that seems a bit rough. Couldn't you just clip his nails and do something about his bad breath?"
Never Let A blonde painting Your Room!
A painter was painting a room of a house this rich woman was having remodelled, when walks the blonde interior decorator, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no," says the interior decorator, "there's not enough colour in this paint, it needs some more mauve."
So the decorator hands the painter a can of mauve paint and tells him, "Here, put some of this in that can and mix it."
The painter pours some of the mauve in the can of white paint, and mixes them with a stirrer.
First he stirs the paint about ten times clockwise, then he reverses the direction of stirring.
The decorator sees him do this, and yells, "What are you doing??"
"I'm mixing the paint" The painter says.
"Why are you going the opposite direction now?" asks the blonde, pointing to the mixing stick, "Don't you know that you'll unmix the paint?"
So the decorator hands the painter a can of mauve paint and tells him, "Here, put some of this in that can and mix it."
The painter pours some of the mauve in the can of white paint, and mixes them with a stirrer.
First he stirs the paint about ten times clockwise, then he reverses the direction of stirring.
The decorator sees him do this, and yells, "What are you doing??"
"I'm mixing the paint" The painter says.
"Why are you going the opposite direction now?" asks the blonde, pointing to the mixing stick, "Don't you know that you'll unmix the paint?"
How To Sex on Sabbath
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not
sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his
opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
How To Get Lesbian Partner
In order to save on vacation costs, two secretaries are rooming together.
On the first night Jill turns to her friend, puts her hand on her shoulder, and says,
"There's something I've been meaning to tell you about myself. I'll be frank,I'm a lesbian."
"That's OK," says the other girl. "I'll be Frank tomorrow night, I'm a lesbian too."
On the first night Jill turns to her friend, puts her hand on her shoulder, and says,
"There's something I've been meaning to tell you about myself. I'll be frank,I'm a lesbian."
"That's OK," says the other girl. "I'll be Frank tomorrow night, I'm a lesbian too."
The Main Reason You Don't Need Buy A Harley Davidson
Between God and Harley Davidson
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
Never Let An Arab Muslim Enter A Taxi Cab
I try to be tolerant of everyone but this one needs sending around.
An Arab Muslim enters a taxi cab in Dallas, Texas . . .
Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to “turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio.”
So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the side, stops the cab and opens the back door.
The Arab asks him: “What are you doing, man?”
The Texan answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get out, stand on the curb
and wait for a camel!”
Like that driver!
An Arab Muslim enters a taxi cab in Dallas, Texas . . .
Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to “turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio.”
So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the side, stops the cab and opens the back door.
The Arab asks him: “What are you doing, man?”
The Texan answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get out, stand on the curb
and wait for a camel!”
Like that driver!
How To Get Sex In Prison
PRISONER.
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!
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