A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later".
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?".
The nun replied, "He went that way".
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq".
The nun said, "I understand completely".
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!".
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either!".
Stud Rooster
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up, and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse.
Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BLAM - He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit... Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this Story...
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery, always overcome youth and arrogance!
OLD DUDES RULE !!!
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up, and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse.
Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BLAM - He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit... Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this Story...
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery, always overcome youth and arrogance!
OLD DUDES RULE !!!
Bartender Special
A guy sat down at the bar and ordered a beer.
The bartender filled his mug and slid it down the bar.
While sliding down the bar, the mug hit a blond woman's boobs and splashed all over them...
The bartender went over, retrieved the mug and licked the beer off her boobs.
Each time the guy called for another beer this happened.
After his third beer, the guy decided to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumped up and started to lick them...
She decked him!
He was laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why'd you let the bartender lick your boobs, but not me?'
'Duh,' said the blond, 'He has a licker license!'
The bartender filled his mug and slid it down the bar.
While sliding down the bar, the mug hit a blond woman's boobs and splashed all over them...
The bartender went over, retrieved the mug and licked the beer off her boobs.
Each time the guy called for another beer this happened.
After his third beer, the guy decided to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumped up and started to lick them...
She decked him!
He was laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why'd you let the bartender lick your boobs, but not me?'
'Duh,' said the blond, 'He has a licker license!'
Something to offend everyone
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
The difference between bird flu & swine flu
What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment
For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment
Atheist Holy Day
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY!!!
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days.
He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool.. Therefore, April 1st is his day.
Court is adjourned.
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days.
He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool.. Therefore, April 1st is his day.
Court is adjourned.
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
Terrible smell
Maxine took her car to her mechanic.
She told him 'Every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while there is this terrible smell!!
It never happens when I am driving alone'!!!
This intrigued the mechanic, so he said, 'OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is.' Off they went.
She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction At 70 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty.
Then, they returned to the shop, and she said, 'There it is now... there's that terrible smell! Can you smell It?'
"Smell it?"
“Lady, I'm sitting in it!!”
She told him 'Every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while there is this terrible smell!!
It never happens when I am driving alone'!!!
This intrigued the mechanic, so he said, 'OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is.' Off they went.
She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction At 70 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty.
Then, they returned to the shop, and she said, 'There it is now... there's that terrible smell! Can you smell It?'
"Smell it?"
“Lady, I'm sitting in it!!”
Moishe Plotnik's Laundry
Walking through San Francisco 's Chinatown , a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants,shops, signs and banners...
When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'
'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered.
'How does that belong in Chinatown?'
He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry...'
The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office...
Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase...
The tourist asked, 'Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?''
The old man answered, 'Ah.. Evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner.'
Looking around, the tourist asked, 'Is he here now?'
'It me, Me him!' replied the old man...
'Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?'
'
It simple', said the old man... 'Many, many year ago I come to thes country. I standing in line at 'Documentation Center
of Immiglation. 'Man in flont of me was Jewish man from Poland .'
'Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What your name?'
He say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik..'
Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sam Ting.'
When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'
'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered.
'How does that belong in Chinatown?'
He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry...'
The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office...
Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase...
The tourist asked, 'Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?''
The old man answered, 'Ah.. Evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner.'
Looking around, the tourist asked, 'Is he here now?'
'It me, Me him!' replied the old man...
'Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?'
'
It simple', said the old man... 'Many, many year ago I come to thes country. I standing in line at 'Documentation Center
of Immiglation. 'Man in flont of me was Jewish man from Poland .'
'Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What your name?'
He say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik..'
Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sam Ting.'
Pastoor op bezoek - Kunjungan pastor
De pastoor gaat op huisbezoek bij Kees en Mien. Zij zijn een jaar getrouwd.
Sang Pastor melakukan kunjungan rumah ke Kees & Mien.Mereka telah menikah setahun lamanya.
De pastoor informeert: "Nog geen gezinsuitbreiding hier?"
"Nee", zegt Kees, "We oefenen vaak, maar het is ons nog niet gelukt"
"Nou" zegt de pastoor, "ik ga deze week naar Rome en daar zal ik een kaars opsteken voor jullie"
Pastor bertanya:"Disini masih belum terwujud keluarga nya diperbesar?"
"Tidak/Belum",jawab Kees, "Kita sih sudah sering latihan,tapi sampai sekarang kami belum berhasil".
"Nou",kata Pastor ,"Saya minggu ini akan pergi ke Roma dan disana saya akan menyalakan lilin untuk kalian".
Vijf jaar later gaat de pastoor weer eens op huisbezoek.
Mien komt naar voren en veegt haar handen af aan haar schort.
"En Mien hoe gaat het hier?", vraagt de pastoor.
"Goed mijnheer pastoor. Wij hebben vier kinderen. Ons Bartje, Mientje, Hiske en kleine Jan"
"Kijk eens aan, kijk eens aan" zegt de pastoor. "Is Kees ook thuis?"
"Nee mijnheer pastoor, hij is naar Rome"
"Naar Rome? Wat gaat hij daar toch doen?"
Lima tahun kemudian Pastor datang lagi melakukan kunjungan rumah.Mien maju kedepan dan membersihkan tangannya di jubah dapur yang dipakai didepan pakaiannya.
"Ya Mien,bagaimana kabarnya disini?"tanya pastor.
"Baik,tuan pastor.Kami punya empat anak.Bartje,Mientje,Hiske dan si kecil Jan"
"Lihat lah,lihatlah," kata Pastor "Apa Kees juga berada dirumah?"
"Tidak ,tuan Pastor,ia pergi ke Roma"
"Ke Roma?Mau apa ia disana?"
"De kaars uitblazen, mijnheer pastoor!"
"Mau memadamkan lilinya, tuan Pastor".
Sang Pastor melakukan kunjungan rumah ke Kees & Mien.Mereka telah menikah setahun lamanya.
De pastoor informeert: "Nog geen gezinsuitbreiding hier?"
"Nee", zegt Kees, "We oefenen vaak, maar het is ons nog niet gelukt"
"Nou" zegt de pastoor, "ik ga deze week naar Rome en daar zal ik een kaars opsteken voor jullie"
Pastor bertanya:"Disini masih belum terwujud keluarga nya diperbesar?"
"Tidak/Belum",jawab Kees, "Kita sih sudah sering latihan,tapi sampai sekarang kami belum berhasil".
"Nou",kata Pastor ,"Saya minggu ini akan pergi ke Roma dan disana saya akan menyalakan lilin untuk kalian".
Vijf jaar later gaat de pastoor weer eens op huisbezoek.
Mien komt naar voren en veegt haar handen af aan haar schort.
"En Mien hoe gaat het hier?", vraagt de pastoor.
"Goed mijnheer pastoor. Wij hebben vier kinderen. Ons Bartje, Mientje, Hiske en kleine Jan"
"Kijk eens aan, kijk eens aan" zegt de pastoor. "Is Kees ook thuis?"
"Nee mijnheer pastoor, hij is naar Rome"
"Naar Rome? Wat gaat hij daar toch doen?"
Lima tahun kemudian Pastor datang lagi melakukan kunjungan rumah.Mien maju kedepan dan membersihkan tangannya di jubah dapur yang dipakai didepan pakaiannya.
"Ya Mien,bagaimana kabarnya disini?"tanya pastor.
"Baik,tuan pastor.Kami punya empat anak.Bartje,Mientje,Hiske dan si kecil Jan"
"Lihat lah,lihatlah," kata Pastor "Apa Kees juga berada dirumah?"
"Tidak ,tuan Pastor,ia pergi ke Roma"
"Ke Roma?Mau apa ia disana?"
"De kaars uitblazen, mijnheer pastoor!"
"Mau memadamkan lilinya, tuan Pastor".
In de wachtkamer - in the waiting room - di ruang tunggu
Wanneer je bij de dokter in de wachtkamer komt dan vraagt de receptioniste altijd:
Kalau anda kedokter masuk diruang tunggu , si resepsionis selalu bertanya :
'Waarvoor je de dokter wilt zien.' Ada keluhan apa anda mau bertemu dokter ?
En dan moet jij haar vertellen, in het bijzijn van al die anderen die in de wachtkamer zitten, wat er verkeerd is met je.
Maka anda harus menceritakan , di tengah2 hadirnya pasien2 lain diruang tunggu , apa keluhan anda .
Soms is dat erg moeilijk en geneer je je zelf om dat zo maar even te zeggen..
Kadang2 sangat sulit dan memalukan utk menceritakan penyakit anda .
Er is niets erger dan zo'n dokters receptioniste die beslist wil dat je het haar vertelt in een wachtkamer vol met andere patiënten
Tidak ada hal yg lebih keterlaluan dari resepsionis dokter yg ingin anda menceritakan penyakit anda diruang tunggu yg penuh dg pasien2 lain .
Ik weet dat de meesten van ons dit wel hebben meegemaakt, en ik heb genoten van de manier waarop een oudere man dit oploste:
Saya tau yg kebanyakan diantara kita sdh pernah mengalami ini , dan saya menikmati cara seorang tua bagaimana dia mengatasi hal ini :
Een 86 jaar oude man komt de propvolle wachtkamer binnen en gaat naar de receptioniste.
Seorang berumur 86 th datang keruang tunggu yg penuh dengan pasien dan datang ke resepsionis .
Die zegt: 'Ja meneer, waarvoor wilt U de dokter vandaag zien?'
Si resepsionis berkata : Nah pak , ada keluhan apa bapak hari ini mau ke dokter ?
Er is iets verkeerd met mijn lul', zegt hij.
Ada sesuatu yg kagak beres dengan penis saya , kata si orang tua.
De receptioniste werd verbolgen en zei, "U kunt hier niet binnenkomen en zulke dingen uitkramen in een volle wachtkamer.'
Si resepsionis jadi geram dan berkata : Bapak tidak bisa masuk kesini dan mengeluarkan kata2 semacam itu didalam kamar tunggu yg penuh pasien .
'Waarom niet? U vroeg mij wat er verkeerd was en ik heb het u verteld', zei hij.
Kenapa tidak ? Anda menanyakan apa yg tidak beres dan saya ceritakan pada anda , kata dia .
De receptioniste antwoordde, 'U heeft de hele wachtkamer in verlegenheid gebracht.
Si resepsionis menjawab, bapak telah memalukan seluruh kamar tunggu .
U had moeten zeggen; ' Er is iets verkeerd met uw oor of iets dergelijks en bespreek het probleem verder privé met de dokter '
Bapa hrs berkata : ada sesuatu yg tidak beres dg kuping bapak atau yg semacam itu dan selanjutnya membicarakan problem bapa secara prive dg dokter ..
De man antwoordde, 'U zou de mensen geen vragen moeten stellen in een wachtkamer vol met vreemden, als het antwoord ze in verlegenheid kan brengen.'
Orang itu menjawab : Anda hrs jangan tanya pasien2 di tengah2 kamar tunggu yg penuh orang2 asing kalau jawabannya bisa membawa malu .
De man liep naar buiten, wachtte een paar minuten en ging weer naar binnen.
Si orang tua pergi keluar , menunggu beberapa menit , lalu masuk lagi .
De receptioniste lachte zelfgenoegzaam en zei, Ja???
Si resepsionis bersenyum dan dg puas berkata , jaa ? ? ?
'Er is iets verkeerd met mijn oor,' zei hij.
..ada sesuatu masalah dgn kuping saya ' kata si bapak.
De receptioniste knikte goedkeurend, wetend dat hij haar advies had aangenomen.
Si resepsionis manggut mengiakan , tahu bahwa sarannya oleh si bapak sdh diterima .
'En wat is er verkeerd met uw oor, meneer?'
Apa problem dikuping bapak ?
'Ik kan er niet uit pissen', antwoordde hij.
Saya tida bisa kencing dari kuping , kata si bapak .
De wachtkamer barstte uit in luid gelach.
Hadirin di kamar tunggu tertawa terbahak2 .
Kalau anda kedokter masuk diruang tunggu , si resepsionis selalu bertanya :
'Waarvoor je de dokter wilt zien.' Ada keluhan apa anda mau bertemu dokter ?
En dan moet jij haar vertellen, in het bijzijn van al die anderen die in de wachtkamer zitten, wat er verkeerd is met je.
Maka anda harus menceritakan , di tengah2 hadirnya pasien2 lain diruang tunggu , apa keluhan anda .
Soms is dat erg moeilijk en geneer je je zelf om dat zo maar even te zeggen..
Kadang2 sangat sulit dan memalukan utk menceritakan penyakit anda .
Er is niets erger dan zo'n dokters receptioniste die beslist wil dat je het haar vertelt in een wachtkamer vol met andere patiënten
Tidak ada hal yg lebih keterlaluan dari resepsionis dokter yg ingin anda menceritakan penyakit anda diruang tunggu yg penuh dg pasien2 lain .
Ik weet dat de meesten van ons dit wel hebben meegemaakt, en ik heb genoten van de manier waarop een oudere man dit oploste:
Saya tau yg kebanyakan diantara kita sdh pernah mengalami ini , dan saya menikmati cara seorang tua bagaimana dia mengatasi hal ini :
Een 86 jaar oude man komt de propvolle wachtkamer binnen en gaat naar de receptioniste.
Seorang berumur 86 th datang keruang tunggu yg penuh dengan pasien dan datang ke resepsionis .
Die zegt: 'Ja meneer, waarvoor wilt U de dokter vandaag zien?'
Si resepsionis berkata : Nah pak , ada keluhan apa bapak hari ini mau ke dokter ?
Er is iets verkeerd met mijn lul', zegt hij.
Ada sesuatu yg kagak beres dengan penis saya , kata si orang tua.
De receptioniste werd verbolgen en zei, "U kunt hier niet binnenkomen en zulke dingen uitkramen in een volle wachtkamer.'
Si resepsionis jadi geram dan berkata : Bapak tidak bisa masuk kesini dan mengeluarkan kata2 semacam itu didalam kamar tunggu yg penuh pasien .
'Waarom niet? U vroeg mij wat er verkeerd was en ik heb het u verteld', zei hij.
Kenapa tidak ? Anda menanyakan apa yg tidak beres dan saya ceritakan pada anda , kata dia .
De receptioniste antwoordde, 'U heeft de hele wachtkamer in verlegenheid gebracht.
Si resepsionis menjawab, bapak telah memalukan seluruh kamar tunggu .
U had moeten zeggen; ' Er is iets verkeerd met uw oor of iets dergelijks en bespreek het probleem verder privé met de dokter '
Bapa hrs berkata : ada sesuatu yg tidak beres dg kuping bapak atau yg semacam itu dan selanjutnya membicarakan problem bapa secara prive dg dokter ..
De man antwoordde, 'U zou de mensen geen vragen moeten stellen in een wachtkamer vol met vreemden, als het antwoord ze in verlegenheid kan brengen.'
Orang itu menjawab : Anda hrs jangan tanya pasien2 di tengah2 kamar tunggu yg penuh orang2 asing kalau jawabannya bisa membawa malu .
De man liep naar buiten, wachtte een paar minuten en ging weer naar binnen.
Si orang tua pergi keluar , menunggu beberapa menit , lalu masuk lagi .
De receptioniste lachte zelfgenoegzaam en zei, Ja???
Si resepsionis bersenyum dan dg puas berkata , jaa ? ? ?
'Er is iets verkeerd met mijn oor,' zei hij.
..ada sesuatu masalah dgn kuping saya ' kata si bapak.
De receptioniste knikte goedkeurend, wetend dat hij haar advies had aangenomen.
Si resepsionis manggut mengiakan , tahu bahwa sarannya oleh si bapak sdh diterima .
'En wat is er verkeerd met uw oor, meneer?'
Apa problem dikuping bapak ?
'Ik kan er niet uit pissen', antwoordde hij.
Saya tida bisa kencing dari kuping , kata si bapak .
De wachtkamer barstte uit in luid gelach.
Hadirin di kamar tunggu tertawa terbahak2 .
Employee of The Month
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green .'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green .'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.
EURO - English
VOT EVER
European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English" .
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl
European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English" .
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl
Smart Boss
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand, "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine.
"I just need one copy."
"NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine.
"I just need one copy."
"NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING
Asshole
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was In charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:
Brain....... .. I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood....... . I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs........ . I should be in charge because I take the brain where it Wants to go.
Eyes........ . I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.
Asshole..... I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.
To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and Stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.
"NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN CHARGE"
Brain....... .. I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood....... . I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs........ . I should be in charge because I take the brain where it Wants to go.
Eyes........ . I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.
Asshole..... I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.
To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and Stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.
"NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN CHARGE"
Genie Bottle
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you A wish.
When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted,
"WINE".
The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly He steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted,
"SHIT!!!!!!! ......... "
"THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN"*
When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted,
"WINE".
The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly He steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted,
"SHIT!!!!!!! ......... "
"THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN"*
Boss & The Lamp
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears..
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas , on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff. and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pfufffff. and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm."
"ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST"
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas , on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff. and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pfufffff. and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm."
"ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST"
Onions & Christmas Tree
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how
many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of
Boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50,
they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear,
a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak
tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'
many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of
Boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50,
they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear,
a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak
tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'
Intelligent people
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"
Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"
Older
Three brothers Neil, Jeb and Dub, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Neil, "It's Obidiah Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Jeb, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Dub yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Neil.
Dub lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Austin."
"Come have a look over here", says Neil, "It's Obidiah Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Jeb, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Dub yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Neil.
Dub lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Austin."
Wrong Address
A man checked into a hotel. To his surprise there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile... .Somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the 1st message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:
...
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: 17 December 2009
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here; we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you. TOMORROW !
Yours
Loving Husband
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile... .Somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the 1st message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:
...
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: 17 December 2009
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here; we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you. TOMORROW !
Yours
Loving Husband
Automatic Car Audio
A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back,complaining that the radio was not working.
"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"
She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.
She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying "On The Road Again" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attentionto the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.
"Idiot!" she yelled and, from the radio, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."
"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"
She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.
She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying "On The Road Again" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attentionto the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.
"Idiot!" she yelled and, from the radio, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."
A poem from husband and wife
WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. Then
I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.
HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at U!
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. Then
I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.
HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at U!
Catholic Coffee Chat
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.
When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well.....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter. She is Slim, Tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.
When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well.....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter. She is Slim, Tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
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