The Best Tech Company in The World

Three programmers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.

The first programmer finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands.
He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two, he says,
"At Microsoft, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion
of the paper towel. He turns and says, "At Intel not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder: "At AMD, we don't piss on our hands."


 -------------

"Son, in the Army they teach us to wash our hands when we use the restroom"
"Son, in the in the Navy, they teach us not to pee on our hands"

How To Get Free Sex from Hooker

A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker.
He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves.
After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed.
The hooker says, "wheres my money?"
The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The hooker repeats herself asking for her money.
Again he shrugs his shoulders.
The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word hooker and shows it to the koala bear.
It says "gets paid for sex."
The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the hooker.
It says, "Eats bush and leaves!"

The Benefit of Girl with Big Breast

A man has three girlfriends and can't decide which one to marry,  so he gives each of them $500 to see how they'll spend it.

The first girl has a complete makeover - new hairstyle, facial, manicure, new dress, the whole nine yards. "It's to please you," she explains,
"because I love you so much."

The second girl buys the man a new set of golf clubs.
"It's to please you," she explains, "because I love you so much."

The third girl invests the money in the stock market, doubles it, reinvests it again, doubles it and hands the man $2000 in fresh $50 bills. "It's to please you," she explains, "because I love you so much."

The man thinks hard about how each girlfriend has managed the cash
- and then he marries the one with the biggest breasts.

When God Say Fuck

A sailor and a priest were playing golf.
The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "F*ck, I missed."

Surprised, the priest replied,
"Don’t use that kind of language or god will punish you."
The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot.
Again he missed and under his breath the said,
"I f*ck’n missed again." The priest overheard and replied,
"My son, please don’t use that language or god will punish you."
The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter,
"Oh f*ck…" The priest said, "That’s it god will certainly punish you."

Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest.
In the distance a deep voice said, "F*CK, I Missed".

Go and Fuck Yourself

A Cork radio station was running a competition; words that weren't in the dictionary yet
could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "...You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali: What
sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Goan fuck yourself!"

The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls. All were unsuccessful until:

DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
Caller: ""Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "...You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali:
What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan Fuck yourself!"

Sex And Virginity Proverbs

Hard feeling proverbs

1. When I was born, I was given a  choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't  remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate  is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3.  A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she  objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying,  "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four  letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6.  Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the  best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages  in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of  opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing  bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better  have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once,  but the holes in the dial were too small.

12.  Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the  enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian  kiss?
    Answer: The same thing as a  French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just  married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy  with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest  tragedies in a man's life?
    Answer:  Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16.  Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye  contact?
    Answer: Breasts don't  have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't  take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with  their wives!

The Secret To Win In The Casino

Irish Blonde


An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won , I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,

"What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."



MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men... are men!

How To Sex more than 3 times a day in old age

The Honeymooners

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,

Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for  more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'


The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.


Global Facts About = Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: 1 old person is reading emails

How To Get Rich plus get A free Blowjob

Joe gets home late one night and Marilyn his wife, says, "Where the hell have you been?"
Joe replies, "I was out getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo?" She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Certified Public Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

(Joe is in the General Hospital , Critical Care Unit, Room 233)

How to Be A Congressman - Buy A DOG!

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money, he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula that will teach our dog Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says, "and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some bad news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?’”

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and is now a Congressman in Washington D.C.

Some F***ing Health Advice...

Follow this 6 Golden Rules... you will be enjoying good benefits for health.

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but its harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.

3. F* **ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing, dont eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try f***ing in bed cause it can save your valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholestrol level.



SO, REMEMBER ...

FASTING is good for your health.
May also cleanse your Dirty Mind!!!

The Most Funny Headline on Big Newspapers

The list below is generated from the actual Headline on big newspaper.

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Deaf-Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing

Grandfather of Eight Makes Hole in One

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Man Struck by Lightening Faces Battery Charge

Milk Drinkers Are Turning to Powder

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Panda Mating Fails; Vet Takes Over

Paramedics Help Dog Bite Victim

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

War Dims Hope For Peace



Now you understand why the level of literacy is going down......

The Most Laughing Moment At The IT Customer Services

COMPUTER JOKES.

True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder? "
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder?
Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it.
He was laughing too hard.
The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows."
The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.
Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens."
The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work.
She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.
When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked
"What power switch?"

Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support.
"I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...."
The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software.
The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.
Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean? Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

Have a great day!

The Reason Why You Don't Need To Work In Condom Factory

A man was carrying 3 babies in a train. The lady sitting next to him, Asked:

Are they your babies?

MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.

Learn from The Secrets of The Most Succesful way to Sell Toothbrush

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend

assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My

sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for

my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone

that magazines would keep them up on current events.” "Very good, Mary" said the teacher

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ... Little Johnny

walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to

make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and

gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say, “It is dog shit. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the Gillard [Obama, Cameron - Insert here) approach of giving you something shitty

for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

Why The Whores Are too sensitive

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had had a few....

I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them chirped: "It's WALES you idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

That's the last thing I remember...

How To Fix Bugs In Windows Forever

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:

"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:
"Pour some luke warm water over it."

 Wife texts back:

"Computer completely f****d now."

How To Avoid Speeding Tickets

A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW Z4 convertible and drove it out of the salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.  Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."


"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.

Crazy Math Revealed

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? 

Johnny: Seven!!!  An angry Teacher: Where the in hell do you get seven from ?

Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a cat at home!!!

How To Sex With A Camel

SEX STARVED.


 A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert .

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel.

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."

The Meaning of CAR brand names

Who said car names don't have meaning..

BMW: Bring Me Women

LEXUS: Luxury Exports to United States

FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology

FORD: For Only Romantic Drivers

HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive

VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

OPEL: Old People Enjoying Life

TOYOTA: The One You Only Trust, Always

KIA: Kills In Accidents

Why condoms are packed in 3s, 6s & 12s

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy Asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man
Matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex."

Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."

"Cool" says the boy... He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then, who are these for?

"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then, who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March....up to December"

The boy replied; "I am not getting married!!!!".

The Secret How To Sell Ass Holes

Two Business  Men.

Two  businessmen in the centre of Perth

Were sitting  down for a Break in their soon-to-be new  shop...

As  yet,  the shop wasn't ready, With only a few shelves set up. 

One said to the  other,
"I bet any  minute now some pensioner Is going to  walk by,
Put their face  to the window, And ask what  we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his  mouth
When, sure  enough, A curious old  woman walked to the window,
Had a  peek, And in a soft  voice asked, 

"What are you  selling here?"

One of the  men replied sarcastically,
"We're  selling  ass-holes."

Without   skipping a beat, the old dear said,
“Must be doing  well...  Only two  left."

Braille Code for Nipples

 Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
 A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

4 secrets to be the Happiest Woman in the World

A woman only needs the company of four animals in her life for a totally fulfilled and satisfied life.

A mink in her closet,

a jaguar in her garage,

a stallion in her bed,

and a jackass to pay for everything.”

Jual Ipad Termurah se Indonesia

iPad vs Tablet

X: Berapa harga iPad itu mbak?
Y: 6 juta

X: Kalau harga iPad 2 ?
Y: 8 juta

X: Kalau Galaxy Tab 1 yang itu ?
Y: 3 juta

X: Hhmmm ... yang Galaxy 2 ?
Y: Kalau itu 5 juta

X: Waaah mahal ya?

X: Ada tablet yang murah?
Y: Ada, Antangin
Rp. 2.500 dapat 4 tablet

Eksekusi Mati Untuk Wanita - Live!

Tiga orang wanita akan dieksekusi mati. Sebelum dieksekusi, mereka diminta untuk mengucapkan kata-kata dan pesan terakhir mereka.

Wanita pertama, yang berambut coklat, diikat di kursi listrik dan dipersilakan memberikan kata-kata terakhirnya. Dia berkata, "Aku berasal dari keluarga taat beragama dan saya percaya pada Tuhan yang Maha Kuasa bahwa Ia akan membela orang yang tidak bersalah."

Petugas eksekusi menekan tombol di kursi listrik tersebut, namun tidak terjadi apa-apa, sehingga mereka menganggap bahwa Tuhan tidak menginginkan orang ini mati, jadi mereka membebaskan dia.

Giliran wanita kedua yang berambut merah, diikat di kursi listrik dan memberikan kata-kata yang terakhir, "Aku berasal dari Sekolah Hukum dan aku percaya pada kekuatan keadilan yang akan membela orang yang tidak bersalah."

Petugas lalu menekan tombol kursi listrik itu, lagi-lagi tidak terjadi apa-apa. Mereka menganggap bahwa kuasa hukum berpihak pada wanita ini, jadi mereka membebaskan dia.

Wanita yang terakhir, diikat di kursi listrik dan berkata, "Saya seorang sarjana teknik listrik, dan sekarang juga saya akan memberitahu Anda, bahwa tidak ada seorang pun yang bisa mati di kursi listrik ini jika kabel yang di ujung sana itu tidak ditancapkan pada stop kontak!"

Mendapatkan Sex dengan Sebuah Pantun

Istri berkata sopan kepada suami: Burung pipit makan kedondong, minta duit dong?
Suami pun menjawab: Burung pipit makan kedondong, burungku dijepit dulu dong

Cewek Bugil Di Hadapan Seorang Pendeta

Pendeta lihat cewek buka baju dan dia bedoa: Tuhan, tolong tutup mataku.
Pas dia buka mata lagi, cewek udah bugil.
Dia berdoa lagi: Ya tuhan, tolong tutup matamu.

Kemaluan Pun Punya Sifat Baik

Ada 3 sifat baik burung laki2:

1- disiplin, tiap pagi selalu bangun
2- sopan, tiap lihat wanita cantik selalu berdiri
3- hormat, menunduk kalo lihat nenek2

Jangan Pernah Membelikan Celana Dalam Untuk Kado

Seorang karyawati membelikan kado topi waktu boss nya ultah.
Celakanya salah, yang terbungkus malah celana dalam.

Padahal di kartu ucapannya tertulis: "pak, kalo dipake rambutnya keluarin dikit yah, biar keren."

Jangan Biarkan anak anda baca Majalah BOBO - customer complaint

Hobby waktu masih kecil, bacaannya "bobo"

Menginjak remaja, bacaannya "gadis"

Setelah dewasa, hobbynya bobo ama gadis

Buah Zakar Terlihat Oleh Sekretaris

Seorang sekretaris melihat celana bossnya terbuka.

Sek.: "pak, garasinya terbuka."
boss: "kau lihat ferrari ku yah?"
sek.: "tidak boss, saya cuma lihat scooter kecil dgn 2 ban kempes."

Ukuran Payudara Sesuai HP

Ukuran payudara perempuan bisa diketahui dari hp nya:

Nokia : Nongol, ketat, indah dan asli,
siemens: Simple menjurus sensual
ericson: Enak diraba, isinya cuma silikon

Alasan Tuhan Menciptakan Matahari cuma Satu

Seorang anak irian bertanya pada gurunya:

"bu, kenapa matahari cuma ada satu?"
dijawab gurunya: "satu aja elu udah item, apalagi dua !"

Vagina Beraroma Terasi

Setelah selesai ml sepasang muda-mudi main tebak-tebak an.

Pria: "kamu asli sidoarjo ya, vagina mu beraroma trasi."
wanita: "kalo mas pasti dari brebes, tuh telornya asin banget!!"

Falsafah Cewek dan Seekor Kecoa

Bro tau ngak beda cewek dgn kecoa??

Kalo kecoa disemprot dulu, kejang2, lalu telentang.
Kalo cewek terlentang dulu, kejang2, baru disemprot.

Nasihat Hidup Dari Matematika

Nasehat hidup sejahtera versi matematika:

Amal jgn di      ( - )
Cinta jgn di      ( : )
Hidup hanya 1 ( x )
Jd, sex bole    ( + )

Robinhood dari Medan - Preman yang Bertobat

Togar sudah 20 tahun mengembara di jakarta akan pulang kampung.

3 hari sebelum pulang ke medan, togar menelepon adik2nya.

togar : ucok ! mau abang bawain apa dari jakarta ?

ucok : (agak ragu). hp blackberry bisa, bang ?

togar : akh, gampang itu... nanti abang bawakan !

togar : kau, borjong... mau apa dari abang ?

borjong : yang betul, bang ?

togar : betul ! mau apa ?

borjong ; (agak ragu). kamera digital ajalah, bang... macam punya si parulian.

togar : gampanglah itu ! kau, butet... mau apa kau ?

butet : tak usah lah, bang... nanti aku pinjam punya bang ucok sama bang borjong saja.

togar : tak usah sungkan. bilang mau apa, butet ?

butet : (dengan suara agak ragu menjawab) takut abang jadi repot.

togar : abang tidak repot, bilang mau apa. (udah kebayang gimana kencengnya suara si togar)

butet : bh ajalah, bang...

togar : akh pening lah abang kau bikin, tet ! :s yang gampang2 ajalah, macam titipan ucok dan borjong !

butet : wuah, banyak kali uang abang yah ?

togar : bukan, tet... kalo bh, susah kali abang nyopetnya... malu abang rogoh2 tetek orang..!

Ramalan Joyoboyo Pancen Boyo

Prabu Joyoboyo nate ngendiko:
Dunyo iki wis tuwo,
Wis tuwo tur keronto-ronto.
Contone akeh putro wani karo wong tuwo,
Akeh joko dadi dudo,
Akeh dudo ngaku joko,
Akeh prawan nglairke putro tanpo bopo,
Akeh rondo towo-towo rogo.
Jare ra penak yen ra dikancani joko.
Akeh omah ibadat ra tau disobo.
Sing disobo malah omahe germo.
Dijak ibadah mesti semoyo.
Jare sambat boyok'e loro.
Sing meneng berarti rumongso.
Sing mesem?lan nggguyu berarti kulino.
Elingo yen sakwayah-wayah dipundut sing kuwoso.
Ora enom ora tuwo.
Malaekat podo ngincer sing leno.
Mulo jo lali ibadah madhep sing kuwoso.
Yen mati ben mlebu surgo.
Yen mlebu surgo jo lali BB-ne digowo.
Ben iso ngabari lan BBm-an karo konco2.
Yen mlebu neroko BB-ne ra usah digowo, amargo sinyale ra ono
Pitutur Jowo asli ojo dilalekno
Urip iku mung sedelo
Mulo ojo digawe sengsoro
Ayo podo makaryo golek bondo
Ning ojo lali karo wanito
Sing disebut surgo ndunyo
Bojo limo ra popo
Ben iso kelonan saben dino
Seminggu iku pitung ndino
Dadi sing rong dino iso nyilih rondo
Ra usah mikir duso
Sing Kuwoso iku gede pangapuro
Mulo konco ........
Tulung pitutur iki disebarno marang konco lan Moro Tuo
Kowe bakal diantem nganggo tugelan boto
Ra percoyo cubo buktino !!!
Sing meneng berarti rumongso
Sing mesem lan ngguyu berarti kulino ...
Sing manyun berarti ra'iso boso jowo..;)

Rahasia Diet Ampuh - Penelitian lewat Binatang

Untuk Wanita / pria

Jangan percaya kalau makan sayur dan buah bisa bikin langsing,,
Liat az Gajah sama Badak,dari dulu sampai sekarang makan buah dan sayur gak langsing2 juga.......

Jangan percaya juga,kalau berenang bisa buat langsing,,
Coba liat Ikan Paus,dari dulu berenang sampai sekarang gak langsing2 juga kan?????

Dan jangan percaya,kalau makan manis2 bisa bikin gemuk,,
Buktinya Semut dari dulu sampai sekarang gak gede2 juga kan?

Pria Paling Terkaya Se Indonesia

Beberapa pria berada di Locker Room sebuah Club Golf Elite. Tiba2  sebuah HP yg tergeletak berdering. Setelah 4-5 kali bunyi, barulah seorang pria menjawabnya dengan mengaktifkan speakernya karena ia belum selesai mengeringkan rambutnya. Inilah percakapannya :
(P – Pria , W - Wanita )
P : "Halo ?"
W : "Papi, ini Mami. Papi lagi di club ya ?"
P : "Iya"
W : "Baguslah, Mami lagi ada di Mall ngak jauh dari situ. Barusan Mami lihat ada 1 tas kulit impor, keren banget lho Pi. Boleh ngak Mami beli ?"
P : "Berapa duit ?"
W : "Murah Pi, cuman 20 juta an. Dikasih diskon 25 %"
P : "Hmm, ya udah kalau Mami emang suka, beli saja"
W : "Ahh, sebelumnya Mami sempet mampir ke dealer mercy & kepincut model gresnya. Itu lho Pi yg pernah Mami tunjukin brosurnya ke Papi. Cepet juga ya udah nyampe kesini. Sempet ngobrol ama salesnya & dikasih harga spesial gara 2x Mami cerita kalau Papi ngak pernah naik mobil selain mercy. Lagian kan BMW Mami sudah banyak yg punya"
P : "Emang tuh sales kasih harga berapa ?"
W :"2,5 M"
P : "Ok, tapi dengan harga segitu Papi maunya sudah komplit dengan semua  asesorisnya, udah dulu ya"
W : "Siiip ! Sebenarnya masih ada lagi sih..."
P : "Apa ?"
W : "Yg ini mungkin agak berlebihan. Pagi tadi Mami ngak sengaja lihat rekening bank Papi lalu Mami jalan ke rumah yg pernah kita lihat tahun lalu. Eh ternyata dijual ! Mami sempat lihat2 dalamnya, wuih keren banget Japanese gardennya lengkap dengan bungalow cantik di atas kolam koi"
P : "Buka harga berapa ?"
W : "Kayaknya mereka lagi kepepet Pi, masak rumah di jalan utama gitu cuman minta 8 M Yg penting rekening Papi masih cukup kok"
P : "Ya udah ambil, tapi coba tawar dulu siapa tahu 7,5 M dikasih"
W : "Ok, Honey sweety...Thank U. Cepat pulang ya Pi ! I love U !"
P : "Bye...I love U too !"
Pria tadi menutup HP sambil membereskan barang2 nya. Sementara itu, semua orang disana memandangnya dengan tatapan ter-kagum2.Lalu pria tadi mengangkat HP tsb sambil bertanya :
Ada yg tahu nggak ini HP siapa ?? =)

Perbedaan Mencolok Seorang Pastur dan Kyai

Dipesawat ada Pastur dan Pak Kyai duduk sebaris, Lalu datang pramugari.

Pramugari : 'Hallo tuan2, ada yang mau sampanye?'
Pastur : 'Iya, terima kasih nona. Tolong 2 gelas ya... Ayo Pak Kyai, kita rayakan pertemuan ini dgn minum sampanye'
Kyai ; saya teh hangat saja,
Pastur : 'Waaah...Pak Kyai jgn sungkan2! Jarang2 kita minum sampanye bareng2'
Kyai : 'Maaf, agama saya melarang minum alkohol, Pastur terdiam sambil menenggak sampanye.
Pastur : 'Waaah sayang sekali Pak Kyai, barang enak begini tidak suka...'
Pak Kyai hanya menghela nafas.

Sampai di Bandara, mereka berjalan ke tempat penjemputan. Dari kejauhan datang 4 wanita cantik dan muda, sambil memanggil Pak Kyai.

Wanita2 : 'Abah..Abah.. selamat datang...... (Muach... muach.....  sambil cium tangan)

Pastur : 'Putri nya cantik2 ya... kuliah semua?'
Kyai : Oooo..mereka istri2 saya, kenalkan Pastur. Lho... Pastur tidak ada istri yg jemput?
Pastur : 'Hmmm...saya tidak punya istri, agama saya melarang saya menikah (sambil menghela nafas.)'
Kyai : Waah...sayang sekali, barang enak begini, Pastur tidak suka

Dokter Menyuruh Gadis Buka Baju

Nenek usia 100 th diinterview bagaimana bisa umur panjang. Katanya berkat hidup sehat & cepat ke dokter bila sakit.
Waktu di tanya pendapatnya tentang kemajuan ilmu kedokteran,
jawabnya: dokter sekarang tambah pintar!

Waktu usia 20 th suruh saya buka baju semua,
diperiksa dari atas ke bawah, baru kasih obat n saya sembuh.

Waktu usia 40 th dokter suruh saya buka baju atas,  periksa,
kasih obat n saya sembuh.

Wkt usia 60 th dokter suruh saya buka kancing,
masukkan stetoskop, kasih obat n saya sembuh.

Waktu usia 80 th, dokter suruh saya buka mulut, lihat dgn batere, kasih obat n saya sembuh.

Sekarang saya 100 th, dokter lebih pinter lagi,
baru duduk, dokter udah tulis resep, saya minum obat n sembuh

Skandal Terbesar Anggota DPR

Seorang anggota DPR terkenal yg play boy tiba2 mendapat telepon pd siang hari……

“Selamat Siang…….
Bapak anggota DPR yg terhormat….,”
Terdengar suara wanita di HP….

“Selamat Siang bu,”jawab anggota DPR. ” Bisa tahu dgn siapa ini sy bicara?”

“Pak, kita pernah tidur bersama,
saya ada buat videonya lho……
Saya minta Rp 5 milyar, kalau tidak akan saya beberkan ke media.”
Ancam wanita diseberang HP……

“Dengan nafas ketakutan anggota DPR itu menawar Rp 3 milyar……”

“OK deh, untuk kali ini,”
Jawab wanita di seberang telepon.

Setelah kurir wanita
menerima uang 3 M, si wanita menelepon,:

“Terima kasih,Pak!!!!!
Uang anda sudah diterima baik dengan selamat dan tidak kurang.”

Anggota DPR yg masih bingung bertanya:

“Maaf sayang, Anda ini siapa ya?
Kita pernah tidur bersama di mana ya ?”

“Kan di ruang sidang, Pak,
masa lupa????
Saya juga anggota DPR,lho…..
Kita sama2 tertidur waktu mendengarkan pidato Presiden bulan lalu.”

Jawab perempuan tersebut sambil menutup HP…….

Gadis yang mulai tumbuh rambut di bagian kemaluan

Seorang gadis yang akan menginjak remaja kebingungan setelah mengetahui tumbuh rambut di bagian kewanitaannya. dia pun membicarakan hal tersebut kepada ibunya. sang Ibu tersenyum dan menenangkan hati gadis kecilnya tersebut, "gapapa de. semua perempuan juga pasti begitu. tempat tumbuh rambutnya itu namanya monyet, jadi gapapa kalo monyet tumbuh rambut, ya kan??" si gadis kecil pun lega.

pada saat makan malam, si gadis kecil tersebut memamerkan hal tersebut kepada kakak perempuannya yang duduk di kelas 2 SMA.
"kakak belum tau kan? monyet ade udah tumbuh rambut!"
sang kakak yang sedang asyik makan merasa terganggu dengan celoteh adiknya tersebut, "udah deh de.. kakak nih lebih besar dari kamu!"
sang Ibu hanya tersenyum-senyum kecil mendengar percakapan anak-anak gadisnya tersebut.
si adik yang merasa diremehkan membalas, "walaupun umur aku lebih muda, tapi monyetku udah tumbuh rambut! kakak belum tentu!!"

sang kakak menghentikan makannya, melotot ke arah adiknya tersebut, "monyet kamu baru tumbuh rambut! kalo monyet kakak udah makan pisang!!"

si Ibu langsung kejang-kejang