My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,
"Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive...
so, I took her to a petrol station.
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
Definition of Betting
A guy is put before the judge's bench because he is on trial for paying a prostitute for sex. "How do you plead?" asks the judge, to the defendant.
"Not Guilty, your honor."
Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds, "How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have both the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute right here on tape?"
"Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another 'heinous' crime ... Gambling."
"Gambling?" responds the prosecutor. "How so?"
"Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me tonight.' That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"
"Not Guilty, your honor."
Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds, "How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have both the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute right here on tape?"
"Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another 'heinous' crime ... Gambling."
"Gambling?" responds the prosecutor. "How so?"
"Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me tonight.' That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"
Discrimination
A Filipino goes to a Woolworth's grocery store in Sydney. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious.
He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Filipino to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Filipino goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks the Filipino Next week the Filipino finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. The Filipino goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.
The following week the Filipino comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.. The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately pulls it out. He shouts at the Filipino, "What the hell! This is shit, you idiot!"
The Filipino calmly replies, "Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper?"
The moral of the story is: Mess with OTHERS, but NEVER mess with Filipinos.
The Manager gets suspicious.
He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Filipino to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Filipino goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks the Filipino Next week the Filipino finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. The Filipino goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.
The following week the Filipino comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.. The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately pulls it out. He shouts at the Filipino, "What the hell! This is shit, you idiot!"
The Filipino calmly replies, "Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper?"
The moral of the story is: Mess with OTHERS, but NEVER mess with Filipinos.
If Adam & Eve Were Chinese
Someone told, that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise . Why?
Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!
Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!
Surat Buat Allah
Rio, seorang bocah yang sangat ingin melanjutkan sekolah, tetapi orang tuanya tidak mempunyai uang untuk
membiayai sekolahnya. Lagipula ibunya yang sedang sakit membutuhkan biaya untuk membeli obat. Akhirnya dia memutuskan untuk menulis surat kepada Allah :
Kepada Yth: Allah di Surga.
Allah yang baik, saya ingin melanjutkan sekolah, tapi orang tua saya tidak punya uang. Ibu saya juga sedang sakit, perlu beli obat. Allah saya butuh uang Rp 250.000 utk beli obat ibu, Rp 200.000 untuk membayar uang
sekolah, Rp 100.000 untuk membayar uang seragam, dan uang buku Rp 100.000. Jadi semuanya Rp 650.000
Terima kasih
Allah, saya tunggu kiriman uangnya. Dari: Rio
Rio pun pergi ke kantor pos untuk mengirim suratnya.
Membaca tujuan dari surat tersebut, petugas kantor pos merasa iba melihat Rio, sehingga tidak tega untuk mengembalikan suratnya.
Bingung mau di kemanakan surat itu, akhirnya petugas pos itu menyerahkannya ke kantor polisi terdekat. Membaca isi dari surat itu, Komandan polisi merasa iba dan tergerak hatinya utk menceritakan hal tsb kepada anak buahnya.
Walhasil, para polisi pun mengumpulkan dana utk diberikan ke Rio, tetapi dana yang terkumpul Hanya Rp 600.000,-
Sang Komandan pun memasukan uang yang terkumpul ke dalam amplop, menuliskan keterangan:
“Dari Allah di Surga” dan menyerahkan ke anak buahnya utk di kembalikan pada Rio.
Menerima uang tsb, Rio merasa sangat senang karena permintaannya terkabul, walaupun yang diterima hanya Rp 600.000,-. Rio pun bergegas untuk mengambil kertas dan pensil, dan mulai menulis surat lagi :
“ALLAH LAIN KALI KALO MAU KIRIM UANG, JANGAN LEWAT POLISI, KARENA KALO LEWAT POLISI DI POTONG RP 50.000,- * *
membiayai sekolahnya. Lagipula ibunya yang sedang sakit membutuhkan biaya untuk membeli obat. Akhirnya dia memutuskan untuk menulis surat kepada Allah :
Kepada Yth: Allah di Surga.
Allah yang baik, saya ingin melanjutkan sekolah, tapi orang tua saya tidak punya uang. Ibu saya juga sedang sakit, perlu beli obat. Allah saya butuh uang Rp 250.000 utk beli obat ibu, Rp 200.000 untuk membayar uang
sekolah, Rp 100.000 untuk membayar uang seragam, dan uang buku Rp 100.000. Jadi semuanya Rp 650.000
Terima kasih
Allah, saya tunggu kiriman uangnya. Dari: Rio
Rio pun pergi ke kantor pos untuk mengirim suratnya.
Membaca tujuan dari surat tersebut, petugas kantor pos merasa iba melihat Rio, sehingga tidak tega untuk mengembalikan suratnya.
Bingung mau di kemanakan surat itu, akhirnya petugas pos itu menyerahkannya ke kantor polisi terdekat. Membaca isi dari surat itu, Komandan polisi merasa iba dan tergerak hatinya utk menceritakan hal tsb kepada anak buahnya.
Walhasil, para polisi pun mengumpulkan dana utk diberikan ke Rio, tetapi dana yang terkumpul Hanya Rp 600.000,-
Sang Komandan pun memasukan uang yang terkumpul ke dalam amplop, menuliskan keterangan:
“Dari Allah di Surga” dan menyerahkan ke anak buahnya utk di kembalikan pada Rio.
Menerima uang tsb, Rio merasa sangat senang karena permintaannya terkabul, walaupun yang diterima hanya Rp 600.000,-. Rio pun bergegas untuk mengambil kertas dan pensil, dan mulai menulis surat lagi :
“ALLAH LAIN KALI KALO MAU KIRIM UANG, JANGAN LEWAT POLISI, KARENA KALO LEWAT POLISI DI POTONG RP 50.000,- * *
Akal Sekretaris Cantik
Suatu kisah sekretaris cantik yg ditugaskan oleh boss utk menemani klien penting si Raja minyak dari Arab. Si raja tertarik dgn kecantikan sang sekretaris, tiba2 dia meminta si sekretaris utk menikah,
Tentu saja sekretaris itu terkejut, namun ia teringat perintah boss utk tdk mengecewakan kliennya dlm hal apapun. Lalu dia memikirkan cara utk menolak ajakan dgn halus.
Baiklah,aku akan menikah dgnmu tapi tiga syarat.
1. Aku mau cincin kawin berlian 75 karat. bertahtakan intan ber mahkota tiga 200 karat.
Raja minyak arab terpekur sejenak lalu mengangguk, 'Ok...,Ok ana felikan...ana felikan.'
2. Aku mau dibuatkan istana di New York dan villa di tengah kota Paris lima mobil Ferarri dan tiga pesawat jet.
Raja kembali terpekur, 'Ok..Ok..ana fuatkan...ana fuatkan' '
Gawat' pikir si sekretaris, ia kembali memikirkan syarat terakhir, yg nyaris mustahil bisa dikabulkan si raja.
3. Sambil mengedipkan mata ia berkata : ' Aku suka sekali dgn sex,dan aku mau laki laki yg menjadi suamiku mempunyai 'Anu-nya' sepanjang 20cm.
Si Raja minyak tampak kaget dan kecewa dgn syarat terakhir ini, ia menutup wajahnya dgn kedua tangan sambil sesenggukan.
Akhirnya sambil mengusap air mata dan menatap sekretaris dgn sedih, ia berkata : 'Ok, Ok, ana fotong... ana fotong....'
Tentu saja sekretaris itu terkejut, namun ia teringat perintah boss utk tdk mengecewakan kliennya dlm hal apapun. Lalu dia memikirkan cara utk menolak ajakan dgn halus.
Baiklah,aku akan menikah dgnmu tapi tiga syarat.
1. Aku mau cincin kawin berlian 75 karat. bertahtakan intan ber mahkota tiga 200 karat.
Raja minyak arab terpekur sejenak lalu mengangguk, 'Ok...,Ok ana felikan...ana felikan.'
2. Aku mau dibuatkan istana di New York dan villa di tengah kota Paris lima mobil Ferarri dan tiga pesawat jet.
Raja kembali terpekur, 'Ok..Ok..ana fuatkan...ana fuatkan' '
Gawat' pikir si sekretaris, ia kembali memikirkan syarat terakhir, yg nyaris mustahil bisa dikabulkan si raja.
3. Sambil mengedipkan mata ia berkata : ' Aku suka sekali dgn sex,dan aku mau laki laki yg menjadi suamiku mempunyai 'Anu-nya' sepanjang 20cm.
Si Raja minyak tampak kaget dan kecewa dgn syarat terakhir ini, ia menutup wajahnya dgn kedua tangan sambil sesenggukan.
Akhirnya sambil mengusap air mata dan menatap sekretaris dgn sedih, ia berkata : 'Ok, Ok, ana fotong... ana fotong....'
Oneng & Syarat Pacar
Emak memberi nasihat sama si Oneng neng kalo cari pacar hrs pake 3 syarat:
1. harus hemat
2. harus lebih bodoh dari kamu
3. harus masih perjaka
Satu hari Oneng jalan2 ke puncak sama Bajuri
Tapi karena kemalaman terpaksa menginap di hotel.
Esoknya si Oneng laporan ke Emak: "Mak aku sudah dapat pacar sesuai syarat mak yaitu hemat, bodoh, perjaka!
Emak: "Apa buktinya?
Oneng: "Kemarin waktu kita kemalaman nginap di hotel, Bajuri bilang kita cukup 1 kamar aja, berarti HEMAT kan Mak! Lalu, tengah malam dia minta kita tidur jangan pake baju supaya gak kusut, padahal Puncak itu dingin. Nah berarti dia kan BODOH.."
Emak: "Hah ! Terus dari mana tahu masih perjaka ??"
Oneng: "Aku tahu dari burungnya dibungkus karet, artinya masih di segel ! ! ! Bener kan mak, itu tandanya masih PERJAKA."
Emak: (Gubrakxx pingsan..)
1. harus hemat
2. harus lebih bodoh dari kamu
3. harus masih perjaka
Satu hari Oneng jalan2 ke puncak sama Bajuri
Tapi karena kemalaman terpaksa menginap di hotel.
Esoknya si Oneng laporan ke Emak: "Mak aku sudah dapat pacar sesuai syarat mak yaitu hemat, bodoh, perjaka!
Emak: "Apa buktinya?
Oneng: "Kemarin waktu kita kemalaman nginap di hotel, Bajuri bilang kita cukup 1 kamar aja, berarti HEMAT kan Mak! Lalu, tengah malam dia minta kita tidur jangan pake baju supaya gak kusut, padahal Puncak itu dingin. Nah berarti dia kan BODOH.."
Emak: "Hah ! Terus dari mana tahu masih perjaka ??"
Oneng: "Aku tahu dari burungnya dibungkus karet, artinya masih di segel ! ! ! Bener kan mak, itu tandanya masih PERJAKA."
Emak: (Gubrakxx pingsan..)
3 Kondom
Abas masuk ke toko obat dan membeli sebuah kondom. Dengan riang dia bilang kepada pemilik toko bahwa sebentar lagi dia akan makan malam di rumah pacarnya. "Bapak kan tahu sendiri, biasanya setelah itu kan ada kelanjutannya" , tambah Abas sambil menyeringai. Kondom pun berpindah tangan.
Baru beberapa langkah ke luar toko, dia kembali masuk. "Saya minta satu lagi", katanya. "Adik pacar saya juga cantik. Agak genit pula. Saya rasa dia juga naksir saya. Siapa tahu malam ini saya mujur...". Kondom kedua berpindah tangan.
Abas kembali masuk dan minta tambahan satu kondom lagi. "Begini, ibunya juga tak kalah seksi. Penampilannya jauh lebih muda dari usianya. Dan kalau duduk di depan saya, dia selalu menyilangkan kaki. Saya yakin dia juga tak keberatan kalau saya dekati...".
Dengan berbekal tiga kondom, Abas datang ke rumah pacarnya sambil tak putus bersiul.
Sajian sudah siap. Pacar Abas, adik dan ibunya sudah menunggu. Abas pun langsung bergabung. Mereka menunggu sang ayah.
Begitu sang ayah masuk ke ruang makan, Abas langsung memimpin doa sambil menunduk dalam-dalam. Yang lain-lain ikut menundukkan kepala.
Satu menit berlalu. Abas makin khusuk berdoa. Dua menit. Abas terus komat-kamit -- cukup panjang untuk sebuah doa sebelum makan.
Pada menit keempat, pacarnya menyenggol kakinya dan berbisik, "Saya baru tahu kamu ternyata sangat religius".
Sambil terus menunduk, Abas menjawab dengan suara hampir menangis:
"Saya juga baru tahu ayah kamu yang punya toko obat...."
Baru beberapa langkah ke luar toko, dia kembali masuk. "Saya minta satu lagi", katanya. "Adik pacar saya juga cantik. Agak genit pula. Saya rasa dia juga naksir saya. Siapa tahu malam ini saya mujur...". Kondom kedua berpindah tangan.
Abas kembali masuk dan minta tambahan satu kondom lagi. "Begini, ibunya juga tak kalah seksi. Penampilannya jauh lebih muda dari usianya. Dan kalau duduk di depan saya, dia selalu menyilangkan kaki. Saya yakin dia juga tak keberatan kalau saya dekati...".
Dengan berbekal tiga kondom, Abas datang ke rumah pacarnya sambil tak putus bersiul.
Sajian sudah siap. Pacar Abas, adik dan ibunya sudah menunggu. Abas pun langsung bergabung. Mereka menunggu sang ayah.
Begitu sang ayah masuk ke ruang makan, Abas langsung memimpin doa sambil menunduk dalam-dalam. Yang lain-lain ikut menundukkan kepala.
Satu menit berlalu. Abas makin khusuk berdoa. Dua menit. Abas terus komat-kamit -- cukup panjang untuk sebuah doa sebelum makan.
Pada menit keempat, pacarnya menyenggol kakinya dan berbisik, "Saya baru tahu kamu ternyata sangat religius".
Sambil terus menunduk, Abas menjawab dengan suara hampir menangis:
"Saya juga baru tahu ayah kamu yang punya toko obat...."
Telepon Emas & Soeharto
Saat melakukan lawatan ke Amerika Serikat, Soeharto mengunjungi Gedung Putih Sebagai pimpinan negara ketiga, ia sangat terkagum-kagum dengan kemewahan interior istana kepresidenan Paman Sam itu. Ia tambah kagum lagi saat masuk ke ruangan Bill Clinton. Di ruangan itu terdapat sebuah telepon berwarna emas yang menghiasi meja kerja Clinton.
Mata Soeharto lama tidak beranjak dalam memandang telepon itu. Clintonpun tahu maksud kawannya itu sehingga ia serta merta menawarkan kepada Soeharto, "Silakan kalau Anda mau mencoba. Telepon ini istimewa, bisa dipakai menelepon ke mana saja", kata Clinton.
Belum selesai Clinton bicara, Soeharto segera memotongnya, "Maksud Anda pesawat ini juga bisa dipakai untuk telepon ke surga?"
"Bisa, pokoknya kemana saja. Silakan kalau mau mencoba. Saya juga sering telepon ke surga untuk konsultasi kepada beberapa kepala negara di sana termasuk Soekarno. Cuma, ya itu, pulsanya mahal karena ini telepon istimewa. Satu menit 1000 dolar."
Soal biaya mahal bagi Soeharto tidaklah masalah karena ia yakin?
Kekayaannya tak akan habis hanya untuk membayar pulsa telepon. Lalu Soeharto mencoba nomor telepon surga yang telah diberikan dari Clinton.
"Halo, apakah saya bisa bicara dengan bu Tien?" tanya Soeharto.
Terdengar suara, "Siapa Bu Tien? Kami tidak kenal nama itu.
Apa Anda bisa menyebut nama lengkap atau dari mana asalnya?"
"Ibu Hajjah Raden Ayu Siti Hartinah Soeharto, ibunegara dari Indonesia," kata pak Harto.
Si penerima telepon mencoba mencari nama itu dalam daftar penghuni surga. Dan terdengar jawaban, "Maaf, nama tersebut tidak ada. Muka Soeharto mulai memerah. Ia tak yakin bahwa Bu Tien tidak ada di surga.
Clinton pura-pura tak tahu perubahan raut muka Soeharto. Clinton lantas menyodorkan nomer telepon baru, "Harto coba Anda hubungi nomor ini, mungkin Bu Tien ada di sana," kata Clinton.
Serta-merta Soeharto pun segera menelpon nomor yang dimaksud. Dan ternyata, bu Tien ada di situ cuma harus menunggu lama karena ia berada di tempat yang paling ujung.
"Bapak, katanya mau segera menyusul, kok belum juga muncul sih. Aku sangat gerah di sini, panas," kata Bu Tien.
"Kalau aku nyusul sekarang, aku takut siapa yang akan menjaga harta kita. Anak dan cucu kita pasti dimusuhi rakyat. Lho kok kamu kepanasan,memangnya kamu ada di mana?" tanya Soeharto.
Soeharto pun baru tahu bahwa Bu Tien ada di neraka. Karena malu, Soeharto pun berusaha tidak menceritakannya kepada orang lain, termasuk kepada rombongan yang ikut hadir di gedung putih. Walaupun demikian Soeharto tetap bergembira bisa berbincang-bincang dengan istrinya.
Setelah selesai perbincangan dengan Bu Tien ia membayar biaya percakapan yang jumlahnya sekitar 15.000 dolar. Selesai membayar, Soeharto tidak segera beranjak dari meja Clinton. Ia masih memandangi dan memegang-megang gagang telepon. Clinton pun tahu maksudnya. "Anda bisa membeli telepon itu kalau mau harganya 100.000 dolar," katanya.
Mendengar kalimat tersebut Soeharto kontan berdiri dan mendekati Moerdiono.
"Moer, sediakan uang sebanyak itu sekarang juga. Bayar dan bawa pulang telepon ini. Kabarkan pula kepada anak dan cucu saya, supaya berkumpul di rumah ketika aku pulang", perintah Soeharto.
Dan betul juga, seusai kunjungan kerja di Cendana sudah berkumpul anak-anak dan cucu Soeharto. Juga tampak hadir kerabat Bu Tien dan Soeharto dari Solo.Belum sempat istirahat, Soeharto langsung
memerintahkan kepada Moerdiono untuk segera memasang telepon emas itu.
Setelah terpasang, satu per satu anak dan cucu Soeharto menelepon Bu Tien hingga menghabiskan waktu sekitar 2 jam.Tapi apa yang terjadi, Soeharto kaget, karena ternyata biaya teleponnya tidak semahal sewaktu
pemakaian digedung putih. Dalam waktu 2 jam, biaya pulsanya hanya 5000 dolar. Soeharto segera mengangkat telepon dan menghubungi Clinton. Ia marah-marah.
"Hai Clinton. Kamu menipu saya. Waktu saya telepon pakai telepon emas ini dari Gedung Putih, 15 menit biayanya15.000 dolar. Sedangkan kami dari Cendana dengan pemakaian dua jam biayanya hanya 5.000 dolar. Kamu ingin memeras saya ya?"
Mendengar hal tersebut Clinton dengan dingin dan santai menjawab,
"Jangan marah dulu. Harap diketahui, saluran telepon dari Gedung Putih ke neraka itu pulsanya pulsa internasional sehingga biayanya mahal.
Kalau dari Cendana ke neraka itu kan termasuk pulsa lokal." !!!!!!!!!
Mata Soeharto lama tidak beranjak dalam memandang telepon itu. Clintonpun tahu maksud kawannya itu sehingga ia serta merta menawarkan kepada Soeharto, "Silakan kalau Anda mau mencoba. Telepon ini istimewa, bisa dipakai menelepon ke mana saja", kata Clinton.
Belum selesai Clinton bicara, Soeharto segera memotongnya, "Maksud Anda pesawat ini juga bisa dipakai untuk telepon ke surga?"
"Bisa, pokoknya kemana saja. Silakan kalau mau mencoba. Saya juga sering telepon ke surga untuk konsultasi kepada beberapa kepala negara di sana termasuk Soekarno. Cuma, ya itu, pulsanya mahal karena ini telepon istimewa. Satu menit 1000 dolar."
Soal biaya mahal bagi Soeharto tidaklah masalah karena ia yakin?
Kekayaannya tak akan habis hanya untuk membayar pulsa telepon. Lalu Soeharto mencoba nomor telepon surga yang telah diberikan dari Clinton.
"Halo, apakah saya bisa bicara dengan bu Tien?" tanya Soeharto.
Terdengar suara, "Siapa Bu Tien? Kami tidak kenal nama itu.
Apa Anda bisa menyebut nama lengkap atau dari mana asalnya?"
"Ibu Hajjah Raden Ayu Siti Hartinah Soeharto, ibunegara dari Indonesia," kata pak Harto.
Si penerima telepon mencoba mencari nama itu dalam daftar penghuni surga. Dan terdengar jawaban, "Maaf, nama tersebut tidak ada. Muka Soeharto mulai memerah. Ia tak yakin bahwa Bu Tien tidak ada di surga.
Clinton pura-pura tak tahu perubahan raut muka Soeharto. Clinton lantas menyodorkan nomer telepon baru, "Harto coba Anda hubungi nomor ini, mungkin Bu Tien ada di sana," kata Clinton.
Serta-merta Soeharto pun segera menelpon nomor yang dimaksud. Dan ternyata, bu Tien ada di situ cuma harus menunggu lama karena ia berada di tempat yang paling ujung.
"Bapak, katanya mau segera menyusul, kok belum juga muncul sih. Aku sangat gerah di sini, panas," kata Bu Tien.
"Kalau aku nyusul sekarang, aku takut siapa yang akan menjaga harta kita. Anak dan cucu kita pasti dimusuhi rakyat. Lho kok kamu kepanasan,memangnya kamu ada di mana?" tanya Soeharto.
Soeharto pun baru tahu bahwa Bu Tien ada di neraka. Karena malu, Soeharto pun berusaha tidak menceritakannya kepada orang lain, termasuk kepada rombongan yang ikut hadir di gedung putih. Walaupun demikian Soeharto tetap bergembira bisa berbincang-bincang dengan istrinya.
Setelah selesai perbincangan dengan Bu Tien ia membayar biaya percakapan yang jumlahnya sekitar 15.000 dolar. Selesai membayar, Soeharto tidak segera beranjak dari meja Clinton. Ia masih memandangi dan memegang-megang gagang telepon. Clinton pun tahu maksudnya. "Anda bisa membeli telepon itu kalau mau harganya 100.000 dolar," katanya.
Mendengar kalimat tersebut Soeharto kontan berdiri dan mendekati Moerdiono.
"Moer, sediakan uang sebanyak itu sekarang juga. Bayar dan bawa pulang telepon ini. Kabarkan pula kepada anak dan cucu saya, supaya berkumpul di rumah ketika aku pulang", perintah Soeharto.
Dan betul juga, seusai kunjungan kerja di Cendana sudah berkumpul anak-anak dan cucu Soeharto. Juga tampak hadir kerabat Bu Tien dan Soeharto dari Solo.Belum sempat istirahat, Soeharto langsung
memerintahkan kepada Moerdiono untuk segera memasang telepon emas itu.
Setelah terpasang, satu per satu anak dan cucu Soeharto menelepon Bu Tien hingga menghabiskan waktu sekitar 2 jam.Tapi apa yang terjadi, Soeharto kaget, karena ternyata biaya teleponnya tidak semahal sewaktu
pemakaian digedung putih. Dalam waktu 2 jam, biaya pulsanya hanya 5000 dolar. Soeharto segera mengangkat telepon dan menghubungi Clinton. Ia marah-marah.
"Hai Clinton. Kamu menipu saya. Waktu saya telepon pakai telepon emas ini dari Gedung Putih, 15 menit biayanya15.000 dolar. Sedangkan kami dari Cendana dengan pemakaian dua jam biayanya hanya 5.000 dolar. Kamu ingin memeras saya ya?"
Mendengar hal tersebut Clinton dengan dingin dan santai menjawab,
"Jangan marah dulu. Harap diketahui, saluran telepon dari Gedung Putih ke neraka itu pulsanya pulsa internasional sehingga biayanya mahal.
Kalau dari Cendana ke neraka itu kan termasuk pulsa lokal." !!!!!!!!!
Definition of success
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants
At age 12 success is having friends
At age 16 success is having a drivers license
At age 20 success is having sex
At age 35 success is having money
At age 50 success is having money
At age 60 success is having sex
At age 70 success is having a drivers license
At age 75 success is having friends
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
See the pattern, after all the struggles, you are back to where you are at the beginning..
At age 12 success is having friends
At age 16 success is having a drivers license
At age 20 success is having sex
At age 35 success is having money
At age 50 success is having money
At age 60 success is having sex
At age 70 success is having a drivers license
At age 75 success is having friends
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
See the pattern, after all the struggles, you are back to where you are at the beginning..
Mie Panas
Dalam sebuah jamuan makan malam resmi, seorang pria ambasador dari negara barat ( ketika mengambil makanan ) berusaha utk ramah terhadap seorang nyonya separuh baya yg merupakan salah satu pejabat dr Indonesia.
Ambasador : "Do you like salad?" Dikira nanya'in sholat, sang nyonya menjawab : "Oh yes, five times a day."
Ambasador : "Wow, that's very healthy! What kind of dressing do you like for salad?"
Nyonya : "Mukena, of course."
Sang ambasador berpikir keras : "That must be a new dressing for salad I never knew before."
Ketika sampai di bagian chinese food, sang nyonya mencoba membalas keramahan si ambasador.Meski bahasa Inggris pas-pasan, tapi sang nyonya nekad sambil nyendok mie yg masih panas sang nyonya berusaha menjamu tamunya dengan baik dan menawarkan mie tersebut
"Do you like mie?"
Ambasador bingung, dipikirnya me = saya : "Eeemm... yes... with all my respect."
Nyonya (dengan mantap menimpali lagi) : "Still hot.. you know...!!"
Ambasador : "Do you like salad?" Dikira nanya'in sholat, sang nyonya menjawab : "Oh yes, five times a day."
Ambasador : "Wow, that's very healthy! What kind of dressing do you like for salad?"
Nyonya : "Mukena, of course."
Sang ambasador berpikir keras : "That must be a new dressing for salad I never knew before."
Ketika sampai di bagian chinese food, sang nyonya mencoba membalas keramahan si ambasador.Meski bahasa Inggris pas-pasan, tapi sang nyonya nekad sambil nyendok mie yg masih panas sang nyonya berusaha menjamu tamunya dengan baik dan menawarkan mie tersebut
"Do you like mie?"
Ambasador bingung, dipikirnya me = saya : "Eeemm... yes... with all my respect."
Nyonya (dengan mantap menimpali lagi) : "Still hot.. you know...!!"
Eliminasi Huruf Abjad
Abjad yang digunakan di dalam bahasa Indonesia berjumlah 26, rasanya terlalu banyak, dan lagipula ada beberapa abjad yang jarang sekali digunakan. Oleh karena itu mari kita sederhanakan abjad-abjad tersebut
Pertama, huruf X, diganti dengan gabungan huruf K dan S Kebetulan hampir tidak ada kata dalam bahasa Indonesia yang menggunakan huruf ini, kebanyakan merupakan kata serapan dari bahasa asing. Misalnya taxi jadi taksi, maximal jadi maksimal, dst. Selanjutnya, huruf Q kita ganti dengan KW..
Serupa dengan X, kata2 yang mengunakan huruf ini juga sangat sedikit sekali. Berikutnya, huruf Z. Huruf Z kita ganti menjadi C Tidak ada alasan kuat tentang hal ini. Huruf Y diganti dengan I. Hal ini dilakukan sebab bunii huruf tersebut mirip dengan I. Kemudian huruf F dan V keduania diganti menjadi P. Pada lepel ini masih belum terjadi perubahan iang signipikan. Hurup W kemudian diganti menjadi hurup U.
Berarti sampai saat ini kita sudah mengeliminasi 7 hurup. Hurup iang bisa dieliminasi lagi adalah R, mengingat baniak org iang kesulitan meniebutkan hurup tersebut. R kita ganti dengan L. Selanjutnia, gabungan hulup KH diganti menjadi H. Iang paling belpengaluh adalah hulup S iang diganti menjadi C. Hulup G juga diganti menjadi K. Dan hulup J juga diganti menjadi C. Caia laca cudah cukup untuk hulup-hulup konconannia. Cekalank kita kanti hulup pokalnia. Cuma ada lima hulup pokal, A, I , U, E, O.
Kita akan eliminaci dua hulup pokal. Hulup I mencadi dua hulup E iaitu EE.
Cementala hulup U mencadee dua hulup O iaitoo OO. Cadi, campe cekalank, keeta belhaceel menkulangee hooloop-hooloop keeta. Kalaoo keeta tooleeckan lagee, Hooloop-hooloop eeang telceeca adalah : A, B, C, D, E, H, K, L, M, N, O, P, T.
Haneea ada 12 belac hooloop !! Looal beeaca bookan ?? Padahal cebeloomneea keeta pooneea 26 hooloop. Eenee adalah penemooan eeang cankat penteenk dan cikneepeekan !! Co, ceelahkan keeleemkan tooleecan anda denkan menkkoonakan dooa belac hooloop telceboot
Seniors in love
An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her host to say, 'I think it's wonderful that,
after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving pet names'.
The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her host to say, 'I think it's wonderful that,
after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving pet names'.
The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.
Yahoo
Christine, seorang sekretaris cantik dari Michigan, sedang dalam perjalanannya yang pertama menyeberangi Amerika. Di sebuah gurun, ia terpaksa berhenti karena mobilnya kehabisan bensin.
Seorang Indian memberinya tumpangan dengan membonceng kuda.
Selama perjalanan, setiap beberapa menit si Indian berteriak "Yah-hoo" dengan kerasnya hingga gaungnya terdengar di seluruh gurun.
Akhirnya, Christine turun di sebuah pomba bensin dan si Indian berlalu sambil meneriakkan, "Yah-hoo! "nya yang terakhir.
"Kau apakan sikulit merah tadi." tanya pemilik pompa. "Sampai ia berteriak-teriak seperti itu?"
"Tidak kuapa-apakan" sahut Christine.
"Aku hanya duduk diam-diam di belakang. Kulingkarkan tanganku di sekeliling pinggangnya sambil berpegang erat-erat pada tanduk pelananya".
"Nona," kata orang itu, "Orang Indian menunggang kuda tanpa pelana!!!"
YAHOOOOOOO !
Seorang Indian memberinya tumpangan dengan membonceng kuda.
Selama perjalanan, setiap beberapa menit si Indian berteriak "Yah-hoo" dengan kerasnya hingga gaungnya terdengar di seluruh gurun.
Akhirnya, Christine turun di sebuah pomba bensin dan si Indian berlalu sambil meneriakkan, "Yah-hoo! "nya yang terakhir.
"Kau apakan sikulit merah tadi." tanya pemilik pompa. "Sampai ia berteriak-teriak seperti itu?"
"Tidak kuapa-apakan" sahut Christine.
"Aku hanya duduk diam-diam di belakang. Kulingkarkan tanganku di sekeliling pinggangnya sambil berpegang erat-erat pada tanduk pelananya".
"Nona," kata orang itu, "Orang Indian menunggang kuda tanpa pelana!!!"
YAHOOOOOOO !
The Tired Marine
The train was quite crowded, so a US Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was beside a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman who had her poodle sitting on it.
The war-weary marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The marine walked the length of the entire train again, but still the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! Put this American beast in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. 'My dear fellow, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bi*ch out the window!'
The war-weary marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The marine walked the length of the entire train again, but still the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! Put this American beast in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. 'My dear fellow, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bi*ch out the window!'
The Attendant's Ladies Room
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied.
The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: 'WW', 'WA', 'PP' and 'ATR'.
Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow, these gals really have it nice."
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services."
Then he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.
He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow."
The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: 'WW', 'WA', 'PP' and 'ATR'.
Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow, these gals really have it nice."
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services."
Then he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.
He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow."
The husband became the wife
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
-
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman...
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids,
-
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
-
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
-
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog..
Then, it was already 1 P..M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument
with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
-
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day..
Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back..
Amen!'
-
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.'
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
-
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman...
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids,
-
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
-
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
-
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog..
Then, it was already 1 P..M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument
with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
-
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day..
Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back..
Amen!'
-
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.'
3 Putri
Alkisah ada 3 anak putri: Vira, Voni, dan Veni yang dinikahkan oleh orangtuanya. Setelah itu mereka pergi bulan madu bersamaan.
Kalau Vira pergi pulau Batam, Voni pergi ke Kepulauan Seribu dan Veni sibungsu pergi ke Bali.
Orang tua mereka minta dikirim kabar tentang segala yang terjadi selama mereka berbulan madu. Tapi agar berita yang dikirim adalah singkat dan tidak terlalu vulgar, mereka menggunakan moto-moto iklan. Dan biar praktis dan murah, disepakati pengiriman lewat SMS.
2 Hari setelah kepergian anak mereka berbulan madu, diterimalah sebuah SMS.. yang rupanya dari VIRA di Pulau Batam. Isi beritanya cukup sederhana "STANDARD CHARTERED".
Setelah membaca berita tersebut mereka mencari iklan Standard Chartered di koran dan terbacalah tulisan besar berbunyi "BESAR,KUAT dan BERSAHABAT". Tersenyumlah kedua orang tua mereka membaca berita dari Vira.
Hari ke 4 datang SMS kedua, yang rupanya berasal dari VONI di Kepulauan Seribu..... Isi beritanya juga cukup singkat yaitu...NESCAFE.
Setelah membaca surat tersebut.. dengan tergesa-gesa kedua orang tua mereka mencari koran dan membaca iklan NESCAFE yang berbunyi "NIKMATNYA SAMPAI TETES TERAKHIR".
Maka kedua orang tua mereka pun tersenyum bahagia sambil sedikit haha..hihi.
Hari ke-8...mereka menerima SMS juga dari VENI yang berbulan madu di Bali dan isi beritanya cukup singkat CATHAY PACIFIC !!!
Segera kedua orang tua mereka mencari iklan penerbangan Cathay Pacific yang ada di koran ... dan dijumpailah iklan penerbangan dengan tulisan besar "7 KALI SEMINGGU, 3 KALI SEHARI, 5 JAM NON-STOP. MEREKA LANGSUNG BERDOA MINTA PERTOLONGAN TUHAN.
Kalau Vira pergi pulau Batam, Voni pergi ke Kepulauan Seribu dan Veni sibungsu pergi ke Bali.
Orang tua mereka minta dikirim kabar tentang segala yang terjadi selama mereka berbulan madu. Tapi agar berita yang dikirim adalah singkat dan tidak terlalu vulgar, mereka menggunakan moto-moto iklan. Dan biar praktis dan murah, disepakati pengiriman lewat SMS.
2 Hari setelah kepergian anak mereka berbulan madu, diterimalah sebuah SMS.. yang rupanya dari VIRA di Pulau Batam. Isi beritanya cukup sederhana "STANDARD CHARTERED".
Setelah membaca berita tersebut mereka mencari iklan Standard Chartered di koran dan terbacalah tulisan besar berbunyi "BESAR,KUAT dan BERSAHABAT". Tersenyumlah kedua orang tua mereka membaca berita dari Vira.
Hari ke 4 datang SMS kedua, yang rupanya berasal dari VONI di Kepulauan Seribu..... Isi beritanya juga cukup singkat yaitu...NESCAFE.
Setelah membaca surat tersebut.. dengan tergesa-gesa kedua orang tua mereka mencari koran dan membaca iklan NESCAFE yang berbunyi "NIKMATNYA SAMPAI TETES TERAKHIR".
Maka kedua orang tua mereka pun tersenyum bahagia sambil sedikit haha..hihi.
Hari ke-8...mereka menerima SMS juga dari VENI yang berbulan madu di Bali dan isi beritanya cukup singkat CATHAY PACIFIC !!!
Segera kedua orang tua mereka mencari iklan penerbangan Cathay Pacific yang ada di koran ... dan dijumpailah iklan penerbangan dengan tulisan besar "7 KALI SEMINGGU, 3 KALI SEHARI, 5 JAM NON-STOP. MEREKA LANGSUNG BERDOA MINTA PERTOLONGAN TUHAN.
Greatest Questions & Answers
THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them. Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch... BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
Q: What is a man's Ultimateembarrassment? A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
Nominated as the world's best short joke
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Not yet,' she replied.
Don't Kick
A little Texas farm boy came down to breakfast.. Since they live on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother told him no breakfast until he did his chores. Well, he was a little teed off, so he went to feed the chickens, and he kicked a chicken. He went to feed the cows, and he kicked a cow. He went to feed the pigs, and he kicked a pig.
He went back in for breakfast, and his mother gave him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? And why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asked. "Well," his mother said, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you are not getting any milk."
Just then, his father came down for breakfast and kicked the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looked up at his mother with a grin, and said........ ....."Well, are you going to tell him, or should I?"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Popular Posts
-
Setelah genap dua tahun hidup dipenjara, Mang Ohim nampak ceria ketika meninggalkan Lembaga Pemasyarakatan walau tanpa ada satupun keluargan...
-
Ada dua ekor kutu yang bersaudara, kutu A berada di Jakarta, Kutu B ada di Bandung. Suatu ketika kutu A Berkunjung ketempat kutu B di Band...
-
Si Andi kecil melihat mobil papanya lewat di depan sekolah dan parkir di dekat semak belukar. Karena rasa ingin tahu yang besar, Andi kecil ...
-
Bob called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner. "Hello?" said a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey...
-
Loneliness & Poverty Here's a fabulous explanation of the symbiosis between "loneliness" & "poverty" . . ... -
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides ...
-
Interesting - You'll love this racist story!!! Trust the Chinese to have his wits when he's on fronted by such a racist. A Chinese i...
-
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, saying, "The female dormitory will be out...
-
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. There's too much blood in my alcohol system. People like you are the re...
-
Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of...
Posts
