Nambut Silaning Akrami
KATE MIDDLETON, Amd.
(Putri Bpk. Michael / Ibu Carole)
kaliyan
WILLIAM ARTHUR PHILLIP LOUIS,SE,MM
(Putra Bpk. Charles Philip Arthur George / Ibu Diana Spencer .almh)
Dhaup Suci :
Dinten : Jumat Kliwon
Suryo Kaping : 29 April 2011
Wanci Tabuh : 09.30
Mapan ing : Wsminster Abey, London
Winantu Sagunging Pakurmatan,
Kanthi Lumaraping Nawala Sedhahan, Minangka Sesulih Pisowan Kula Wonten ing Ngarsa Panjenengan,
Sinartan Nyadhong Berkahing Gusti Ingkang Maha Tunggal, Kula Sabrayat Hanggadhahi Pangangkah Badhe Ngawontenaken Syukuran Tuwin Pawiwahan Dhauping Sri Penganten Anak Kula,
Dinten : Jumat Kliwon
Suryo Kaping : 29 April 2011
Wanci Tabuh : 12.00 – 14.00
Mapan ing Gedung Kraton Buckingham, London.
Setuhu Badhe Damel Bombong Saha Mongkoging Manah Kula Sabrayat, Bilih Dhangan ing Penggalih Saha Sepen ing Sambekala Bapak / Ibu Kepareng Rawuh Hangestreni Saha Paring Puja Pangastuti Dhumateng Anak Kula Sri Penganten, Supados Dados Kaluwarga Ingkang Bagya Mulya
Wasan Kula Sagotrah Hangaturaken Agunging Panuwun Saha Nyuwun Lubering Pangaksami Sadaya Kekirangan Dalah Kalepatan Kula.
Atur Taklim Kula,
Keluarga Bpk. Michael/Ibu Carole
Keluarga Bpk. Charles/Ibu Diana (almh)
♥ Kate & William ♥.
Duka Cita Mbah Parjo
Suatu malam seorang laki-laki berkata :
"Kita lahir ke dunia ini bersama-sama, kita jalani masa2 indah bersama, suka-duka bersama. Tapi kenapa teganya kamu mati duluan meninggalkan aku sendirian?".
Demikian pertanyaan Mbah Parjo sambil mengintip si buyung di dalam sarungnya.
"Kita lahir ke dunia ini bersama-sama, kita jalani masa2 indah bersama, suka-duka bersama. Tapi kenapa teganya kamu mati duluan meninggalkan aku sendirian?".
Demikian pertanyaan Mbah Parjo sambil mengintip si buyung di dalam sarungnya.
Down to The Last Penny
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy three 5 rupee coins to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the coins but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat
and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter!!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'
'No', the woman replied, 'I'm with CitiBank - Loan Department.........
He gives the young boy three 5 rupee coins to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the coins but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat
and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter!!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'
'No', the woman replied, 'I'm with CitiBank - Loan Department.........
When Doctor Having Sex
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers.
They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors.
After about an hour, the man says to the woman.
"Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."
The woman doctor agrees to it.
So, they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom.
She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room.
She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.
Finally, she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman,
"You're a surgeon, aren't you?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"
The man says,
"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. "You're an anaesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?"
The woman answers,
"Because I slept through most of it and didn't feel a thing."
They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors.
After about an hour, the man says to the woman.
"Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."
The woman doctor agrees to it.
So, they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom.
She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room.
She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.
Finally, she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman,
"You're a surgeon, aren't you?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"
The man says,
"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. "You're an anaesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?"
The woman answers,
"Because I slept through most of it and didn't feel a thing."
Sniffer
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.'
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
I like it!' said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again..
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.'
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
I like it!' said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again..
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'
Words to Remember
Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit.
Some Wacky Mature Quotes
If necessity is the mother of invention, then…
Frustration is the father of masturbation!
Always marry a woman with small palms. It makes your dick look bigger !
I believe in safe sex...I've got a handrail around the bed.
Just remember: No matter how hot & sexy a babe is, someone somewhere is tired of fucking her!
The difference between sex and death is that, with death, you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Life without Friends is like Boobs without Nipples... POINTLESS !
Go braless: it'll pull the wrinkles out of your face.
The importance of UNITY explained at it's best: What did one leg of a woman tell the other: UNITED we are saved, Divided we are Fucked.
Old Proverb: A smile is a curve that makes everything straight.
New Proverb: Boobs are curves that make
Something super straight...!
Slogan on a boy's T-shirt: Please tell your boobs not to stare at my eyes.
Fuck a girl & she'll love you... Love a girl & she'll fuck you!
All those who proclaim that dog is man's best friend, have evidently not played with a pussy.
The irony of a blow job is that even if you have her at your feet she's got you by the balls.
Frustration is the father of masturbation!
Always marry a woman with small palms. It makes your dick look bigger !
I believe in safe sex...I've got a handrail around the bed.
Just remember: No matter how hot & sexy a babe is, someone somewhere is tired of fucking her!
The difference between sex and death is that, with death, you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Life without Friends is like Boobs without Nipples... POINTLESS !
Go braless: it'll pull the wrinkles out of your face.
The importance of UNITY explained at it's best: What did one leg of a woman tell the other: UNITED we are saved, Divided we are Fucked.
Old Proverb: A smile is a curve that makes everything straight.
New Proverb: Boobs are curves that make
Something super straight...!
Slogan on a boy's T-shirt: Please tell your boobs not to stare at my eyes.
Fuck a girl & she'll love you... Love a girl & she'll fuck you!
All those who proclaim that dog is man's best friend, have evidently not played with a pussy.
The irony of a blow job is that even if you have her at your feet she's got you by the balls.
Overdue
Mr. Sharma comes home one night and his wife throws her arms around his neck: I have great news... I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!!! The doctor gave me a test today but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
"Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma?"
"Yes... Speaking"
AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!!!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files... HOW???"
Yes... We have a system of finding out who's overdue"
"GOD!!!... this is too much..."
"Madam, I am sorry... I am following orders, I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that... let me talk to my husband about this tonight, he will speak to your company tomorrow"
That night, she tells her husband about the call and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.
"What's going on??? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue??? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, Sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
"Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma?"
"Yes... Speaking"
AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!!!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files... HOW???"
Yes... We have a system of finding out who's overdue"
"GOD!!!... this is too much..."
"Madam, I am sorry... I am following orders, I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that... let me talk to my husband about this tonight, he will speak to your company tomorrow"
That night, she tells her husband about the call and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.
"What's going on??? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue??? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, Sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
Topless
Seorang kakek tua berusia 85 tahun pergi mengunjungi dokter kelamin untuk memeriksa kandungan spermanya. Sang dokter mengambil sebuah toples kecil dan berkata,’BAWA TOPLES KECIL INI PULANG DAN BAWA KEMBALI ESOK HARI DENGAN CONTOH SPERMA ANDA DI DALAMNYA,'
Keesokannya kakek tersebut datang kembali ke klinik* dan memberikan toples kecil itu kepada sang dokter. Akan tetapi toples kecil itu masih kosong seperti kemarin. ’kok kosong’ tanya sang dokter.
Sang kakek menjawab,’Begini dok, saya sudah coba dengan tangan kanan saya, tapi tidak bisa. saya coba dengan tangan kiri saya, Tetap tidak bisa juga.’ ‘Lalu saya minta bantuan istri saya. Dia gunakan tangan kanannya tidak bisa... Istri saya gunakan tangan kirinya, tetap tidak bisa.
Istri saya mencoba dengan mulut, tapi masih tidak bisa juga,’ ungkap sang kakek. ’Kamipun akhirnya memanggil Ayu, gadis muda tetangga sebelah.
Ia mencoba dengan tangan kanan, tapi tidak bisa... dia mencoba dengan tangan kiri, tetap tidak bisa. Ayu mencoba dengan kedua tangannya, masih tidak bisa juga... dicoba diapit dengan ketiak Ayu masih tidak bisa juga... bahkan Ayu sudah mencoba dengan menjepit diantara kedua pahanya, tetapi tidak bisa juga,’ ungkap sang kakek tua..
’Haahhh,... Jadi bapak sampai minta bantuan gadis tetangga sebelah ????.’ tanya sang dokter sambil takjub. ’ Iya, dan sampai sekarang saya, istri saya dan Ayu tetap tidak bisa membuka tutup toples ini...,’ (serius amat bacanya )
Keesokannya kakek tersebut datang kembali ke klinik* dan memberikan toples kecil itu kepada sang dokter. Akan tetapi toples kecil itu masih kosong seperti kemarin. ’kok kosong’ tanya sang dokter.
Sang kakek menjawab,’Begini dok, saya sudah coba dengan tangan kanan saya, tapi tidak bisa. saya coba dengan tangan kiri saya, Tetap tidak bisa juga.’ ‘Lalu saya minta bantuan istri saya. Dia gunakan tangan kanannya tidak bisa... Istri saya gunakan tangan kirinya, tetap tidak bisa.
Istri saya mencoba dengan mulut, tapi masih tidak bisa juga,’ ungkap sang kakek. ’Kamipun akhirnya memanggil Ayu, gadis muda tetangga sebelah.
Ia mencoba dengan tangan kanan, tapi tidak bisa... dia mencoba dengan tangan kiri, tetap tidak bisa. Ayu mencoba dengan kedua tangannya, masih tidak bisa juga... dicoba diapit dengan ketiak Ayu masih tidak bisa juga... bahkan Ayu sudah mencoba dengan menjepit diantara kedua pahanya, tetapi tidak bisa juga,’ ungkap sang kakek tua..
’Haahhh,... Jadi bapak sampai minta bantuan gadis tetangga sebelah ????.’ tanya sang dokter sambil takjub. ’ Iya, dan sampai sekarang saya, istri saya dan Ayu tetap tidak bisa membuka tutup toples ini...,’ (serius amat bacanya )
Perahu Akan Tenggelam
Perahu berisi 3 orang akan tenggelam.
Orang pertama : Alllahuakbar ,.. Tuhan maha besar,.. " dampingi aku "
Orang kedua : Ya BAPA,.. bukankah Engkau pernah meredakan angin,.. " dampingi Aku"
Orang ketiga bernama " Loe Tjiak Lat. "
Matiiii gua ,.. ini prau udah mau kelelep,. malah teman teman gua ini mau nambah beban "2" lagi .
Orang pertama : Alllahuakbar ,.. Tuhan maha besar,.. " dampingi aku "
Orang kedua : Ya BAPA,.. bukankah Engkau pernah meredakan angin,.. " dampingi Aku"
Orang ketiga bernama " Loe Tjiak Lat. "
Matiiii gua ,.. ini prau udah mau kelelep,. malah teman teman gua ini mau nambah beban "2" lagi .
KUNJUNGAN MENDADAK SBY
SBY melakukan kunjungan dadakan ke sebuah rumah sakit jiwa.
Pihak RSJ kalang kabut dan membuat penyambutan sekenanya. Staf RSJ berjajar, juga pasien yg dianggap sdh agak waras.
SBY menyalami mereka. "Saya SBY," ia memperkenalkan diri pd salah seorang yg tampaknya tak kenal dia.
"Oh, tidak apa-apa," sahut orang itu. "Saya waktu baru masuk juga ngaku Pak Harto kok, Nanti lama-lama sembuh sendiri."
Pihak RSJ kalang kabut dan membuat penyambutan sekenanya. Staf RSJ berjajar, juga pasien yg dianggap sdh agak waras.
SBY menyalami mereka. "Saya SBY," ia memperkenalkan diri pd salah seorang yg tampaknya tak kenal dia.
"Oh, tidak apa-apa," sahut orang itu. "Saya waktu baru masuk juga ngaku Pak Harto kok, Nanti lama-lama sembuh sendiri."
The Queen and Dolly
The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created,
and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of
Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,
A Royal Flush Beats a Pair -
No Matter How Big They Are
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created,
and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of
Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,
A Royal Flush Beats a Pair -
No Matter How Big They Are
What Women Want in a Man?
What Women Want in a Man?
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady ” splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why hes laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that its the weekend
Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady ” splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why hes laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that its the weekend
Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
The Good Old Days - Before and After Internet
As time marches forward it is becoming increasingly difficult to remember what life was like before the Internet. For some of today's youth the Internet in it's current form has always existed. So let's take a moment to reminisce about what life was like before the Internet (and what has changed since it's conception) before we all forget.
Before: Family time was spent watching TV or playing board games together.
After: Family time is spent in separate corners of the house, each on their own computer instant messaging one another.
Before: People could properly spell and used decent grammar.
After: Now thx 2 IM and SMS, they spel lik dis. LOL!!!!!!
Before: We wrote letters to friends and loved ones far away, and maybe even the occasional Pen Pal.
After: Now we just forward joke e-mails and Internet hoaxes to loved ones and friends while not even bothering to remove the hundreds of forwarded addresses contained within the message. By the way, what's a Pen Pal?
Before: Door-to-door Encyclopedia salesmen.
After: Wikipedia donations.
Before: Recording industry execs making fat profits all-the-while complaining about the bootlegging of their music.
After: Recording industry execs making fat profits all-the-while complaining about illegal downloading via p2p networks.
Before: We used the Dewey Decimal System and Microfilm to find information at local Libraries.
After: Google
Before: Phone books
After: Search engines
Before: Teen lines
After: Cell phones, IM, SMS, email, Skype, etc...
Before: Floating checks to avoid overdrafting your checking account.
After: Immediately bouncing checks (or maybe you're asking yourself what is a Check?)
Before: Getting caught looking at your Father's Playboy.
After: Catching your Dad looking at Internet porn because he forgot to clear his browser history.
Before: Kids would hang out at Video Arcades, Malls, Roller Rinks, and pizza places.
After: Kids hang out at MySpace.com ...............Speaking of MySpace...
Before: I have a friend named Tom.
After: Everyone has a friend named Tom and no one realizes they can easily get rid of him.
Before: People went on blind dates or met people at the bar to find romance.
After: Now we sit at home alone and surf Match.com to find romance.
Before: We scoured the neighborhoods for Garage Sales with the best junk to buy.
After: eBay and Craigslist.
Before: VCRs and TV Guide
After: Tivo
Before: Walking billboards, bumper stickers and print advertising.
After: Viral videos and forehead advertising.
Before: Gossiping about a friend, neighbor, family member, or cow-orker.
After: We google people to get dirt on them.
Before: Shopping the day after Thanksgiving not quite sure of the deals you will find.
After: Planning your Black Friday assault in October thanks to web sites like BlackFridayAds.com.
Before: Newspapers, Radio, and TV.
After: Social news sites, Podcasts, and YouTube.
Before: Commuting to work by car, bus or train.
After: Telecommuting to work in your underwear.
Before: We got our news from the likes of Rather, Jennings and Brokaw.
After: We get our news from the likes of Stewart, Colbert, and Drudge.
Before: Children wrote letters to Santa Claus and mailed them to the North Pole.
After: Children send email to Santa Claus at northpole.com and track his progress Christmas Eve via satellites on NoradSanta.org
Before: Dear Diary, ....
After: Don't you read my blog?
Before: Broadway shows - The Sound of Music
After: Broadway shows - Avenue Q - The internet is for porn - porn, porn, porn,porn- The internet is for porn!!
Before: Family time was spent watching TV or playing board games together.
After: Family time is spent in separate corners of the house, each on their own computer instant messaging one another.
Before: People could properly spell and used decent grammar.
After: Now thx 2 IM and SMS, they spel lik dis. LOL!!!!!!
Before: We wrote letters to friends and loved ones far away, and maybe even the occasional Pen Pal.
After: Now we just forward joke e-mails and Internet hoaxes to loved ones and friends while not even bothering to remove the hundreds of forwarded addresses contained within the message. By the way, what's a Pen Pal?
Before: Door-to-door Encyclopedia salesmen.
After: Wikipedia donations.
Before: Recording industry execs making fat profits all-the-while complaining about the bootlegging of their music.
After: Recording industry execs making fat profits all-the-while complaining about illegal downloading via p2p networks.
Before: We used the Dewey Decimal System and Microfilm to find information at local Libraries.
After: Google
Before: Phone books
After: Search engines
Before: Teen lines
After: Cell phones, IM, SMS, email, Skype, etc...
Before: Floating checks to avoid overdrafting your checking account.
After: Immediately bouncing checks (or maybe you're asking yourself what is a Check?)
Before: Getting caught looking at your Father's Playboy.
After: Catching your Dad looking at Internet porn because he forgot to clear his browser history.
Before: Kids would hang out at Video Arcades, Malls, Roller Rinks, and pizza places.
After: Kids hang out at MySpace.com ...............Speaking of MySpace...
Before: I have a friend named Tom.
After: Everyone has a friend named Tom and no one realizes they can easily get rid of him.
Before: People went on blind dates or met people at the bar to find romance.
After: Now we sit at home alone and surf Match.com to find romance.
Before: We scoured the neighborhoods for Garage Sales with the best junk to buy.
After: eBay and Craigslist.
Before: VCRs and TV Guide
After: Tivo
Before: Walking billboards, bumper stickers and print advertising.
After: Viral videos and forehead advertising.
Before: Gossiping about a friend, neighbor, family member, or cow-orker.
After: We google people to get dirt on them.
Before: Shopping the day after Thanksgiving not quite sure of the deals you will find.
After: Planning your Black Friday assault in October thanks to web sites like BlackFridayAds.com.
Before: Newspapers, Radio, and TV.
After: Social news sites, Podcasts, and YouTube.
Before: Commuting to work by car, bus or train.
After: Telecommuting to work in your underwear.
Before: We got our news from the likes of Rather, Jennings and Brokaw.
After: We get our news from the likes of Stewart, Colbert, and Drudge.
Before: Children wrote letters to Santa Claus and mailed them to the North Pole.
After: Children send email to Santa Claus at northpole.com and track his progress Christmas Eve via satellites on NoradSanta.org
Before: Dear Diary, ....
After: Don't you read my blog?
Before: Broadway shows - The Sound of Music
After: Broadway shows - Avenue Q - The internet is for porn - porn, porn, porn,porn- The internet is for porn!!
Children's Reply
I always love the joke involve children.... their replies always make more sense......
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
____________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
____________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
____________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
____________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
____________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
____________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
Show Your Badge
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running
for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough
get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
(I just love this part....)
"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running
for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough
get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
(I just love this part....)
"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"
Met Kenal Yach
Sebuah sperma yang baru lahir sedang diajar oleh instrukturnya :
"Begitu kamu disemprot keluar, berenang sekencangnya sampai ke ujung gua dan kamu akan ketemu bulatan merah bernama telur.
Deketin dia dan bilang : "Saya sperma."
Dan dia akan bilang : "Saya telur."
Dari situ kamu akan mulai bikin calon anak. Mengerti?".
Si sperma mengangguk dengan mantapnya.
Dua hari kemudian waktu lagi asik molor tiba-tiba dia disemprot keluar.
Langsung aja dia berenang sekencangnya dan teman-temannya ketinggalan dibelakang.
Akhirnya dia duluan sampai di bulatan merah dan dia memperkenalkan dirinya :
"Hi, saya sperma."
Si bulatan merah jawab : "Hi juga, saya amandel... met kenal yach.."
"Begitu kamu disemprot keluar, berenang sekencangnya sampai ke ujung gua dan kamu akan ketemu bulatan merah bernama telur.
Deketin dia dan bilang : "Saya sperma."
Dan dia akan bilang : "Saya telur."
Dari situ kamu akan mulai bikin calon anak. Mengerti?".
Si sperma mengangguk dengan mantapnya.
Dua hari kemudian waktu lagi asik molor tiba-tiba dia disemprot keluar.
Langsung aja dia berenang sekencangnya dan teman-temannya ketinggalan dibelakang.
Akhirnya dia duluan sampai di bulatan merah dan dia memperkenalkan dirinya :
"Hi, saya sperma."
Si bulatan merah jawab : "Hi juga, saya amandel... met kenal yach.."
Water in Carburetor
How to explain your problem in a controlled way.....
A woman comes home from her shopping tour and says to her husband:
"My car has got water in the carburetor! "
Husband: Come, come! How would you know, not having the faintest idea of a car engine?
Woman: Believe me, there is water in the carburetor.
Husband: Give me the key, I’ll have a look at that. She hands the key over to him. While stepping out he ask her:
Where is the car?.
Woman: In the swimming pool.
A woman comes home from her shopping tour and says to her husband:
"My car has got water in the carburetor! "
Husband: Come, come! How would you know, not having the faintest idea of a car engine?
Woman: Believe me, there is water in the carburetor.
Husband: Give me the key, I’ll have a look at that. She hands the key over to him. While stepping out he ask her:
Where is the car?.
Woman: In the swimming pool.
Mafioso
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
"You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead."
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.
Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna dothen......pointa to your watch and a say, Times Up?"
"You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead."
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.
Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna dothen......pointa to your watch and a say, Times Up?"
Golfing accident
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a group of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me”, she told him.
“Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes” the man groaned.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered artful massage for several long moments and asked, ”How does that feel?'
"Wonderful", he replied. "But I still think my thumb's broken.”
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a group of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me”, she told him.
“Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes” the man groaned.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered artful massage for several long moments and asked, ”How does that feel?'
"Wonderful", he replied. "But I still think my thumb's broken.”
How to Impress a Woman & Men
How to IMPRESS a WOMAN
Listen to her,
compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
cuddle her
tease her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
reassure her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.
kiss her,
caress her,
stroke her,
love her,
How to IMPRESS a MAN
Show up naked but have
a beer in your hand.
Listen to her,
compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
cuddle her
tease her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
reassure her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.
kiss her,
caress her,
stroke her,
love her,
How to IMPRESS a MAN
Show up naked but have
a beer in your hand.
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