Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell.
So the other asked, "Why are you crying?" The first one replied, "I came here for blood test"
Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid ? "
First one replied, " No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger"
Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked other, "Why are you crying?"
The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."
Final Examination
Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window.
He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar,"
he says, " it says here, " Answer the following questions in brief' .."
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window.
He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar,"
he says, " it says here, " Answer the following questions in brief' .."
Saint Peter & Singh
A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly
soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T"
2. How many seconds are in a year?
The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"
The Singh replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word.
soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T"
2. How many seconds are in a year?
The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"
The Singh replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word.
Relaxing
One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America.
A lady came asked him, "Are you relaxing?" Singh answered, " No, I am Banta Singh."
Another guy came and asked him the same question. Singh answered, "No No Me Banta Singh!"
Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?" The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
The Singh slapped him on his face and said, Stupid, idiot.
Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!"
A lady came asked him, "Are you relaxing?" Singh answered, " No, I am Banta Singh."
Another guy came and asked him the same question. Singh answered, "No No Me Banta Singh!"
Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?" The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
The Singh slapped him on his face and said, Stupid, idiot.
Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!"
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a Singh, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house.
A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Singh came again,looking very heated up.
He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him,"Is something wrong?"
To which the ferocious Singh replied, " There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Singh came again,looking very heated up.
He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him,"Is something wrong?"
To which the ferocious Singh replied, " There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
Wrong Side Of The Bed!
Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes.
As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."
The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you." But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.
A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God
give you wisdom for our students today."
"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."
But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be
more pleasant.
Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on
her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."
"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."
Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.
"Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."
As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."
The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you." But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.
A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God
give you wisdom for our students today."
"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."
But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be
more pleasant.
Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on
her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."
"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."
Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.
"Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."
Romantic
Ah Pek and Ah Ma (old couple) in Their Golden Years
Ah Pek and Ah Ma were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.
She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then, you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then, you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed covers, got out of bed and walk away.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth lah!"
Ah Pek and Ah Ma were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.
She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then, you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then, you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed covers, got out of bed and walk away.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth lah!"
Good, Bad & Ugly Jokes
Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good : Your wife's not talking to you
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.
Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.
Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.
Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.
Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.
Good : You just gave 'the birds and the bees' talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections.
Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.
Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good : Your wife's not talking to you
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.
Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.
Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.
Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.
Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.
Good : You just gave 'the birds and the bees' talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections.
Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.
Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.
Three Old Grandmas
Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - -
'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - -
'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
The nun and the cab driver
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
Cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
And have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
Hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
Say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
To be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
Make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Masquerade party
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
Cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
And have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
Hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
Say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
To be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
Make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Masquerade party
Hat
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight
so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward
but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are
not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down,
then back up at the man
and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there
is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward
but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are
not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down,
then back up at the man
and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there
is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
A Family Affair
Father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blond woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that another member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio if she could join them.
Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said: "Look, guys, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories, or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."
With that, the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth was agape: "That was beautiful," he said.
The blonde put her driver away and said: "I really didn't get into it and I faded it a little."
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole.
The son said: "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."
The blonde frowned and said: "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt," before tapping in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away, smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said: "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night.
The son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said: "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb: "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly, 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."
The old gray haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said: "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"
Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said: "Look, guys, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories, or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."
With that, the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth was agape: "That was beautiful," he said.
The blonde put her driver away and said: "I really didn't get into it and I faded it a little."
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole.
The son said: "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."
The blonde frowned and said: "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt," before tapping in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away, smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said: "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night.
The son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said: "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb: "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly, 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."
The old gray haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said: "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"
Story of Melt Princess
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that
does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring
his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCE TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed. .
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince ' s pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)
M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that
does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring
his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCE TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed. .
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince ' s pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)
M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
Masturbating
Phone rings and maid picks up the phone as her master is bathing.....
When the caller asked what's he doing, the maid Replied: 'MASTURBATING. ' (master bathing)
When the caller asked what's he doing, the maid Replied: 'MASTURBATING. ' (master bathing)
Something Wrong
A Chinese couple got married.
When baby was born, her eyes were big and blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown.
Finally, name of the baby was SAM TING LONG ('some thing wrong')
When baby was born, her eyes were big and blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown.
Finally, name of the baby was SAM TING LONG ('some thing wrong')
3 meals
A lady visited her doctor one morning.
Doc said: 'You look so weak and exhausted! Are you eating your meals 3 times a day as I advised?
Lady : 'Doc, I thought you said 3 males a day!'
Doc said: 'You look so weak and exhausted! Are you eating your meals 3 times a day as I advised?
Lady : 'Doc, I thought you said 3 males a day!'
Newspaper
Wife: 'I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!'
Husband: 'I wish you're a newspaper TOO, my dear so I can have a NEW ONE every morning!
Husband: 'I wish you're a newspaper TOO, my dear so I can have a NEW ONE every morning!
A Camel and An Elephant
A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked:
'Why do you have your tits on your back?'
The camel responded:
'What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face!
'Why do you have your tits on your back?'
The camel responded:
'What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face!
Durex & Kotex
Durex says to Kotex,
'When you work, I lose seven days of business'
Kotex replies,
'If you fail to work once, my business stops for nine months"
'When you work, I lose seven days of business'
Kotex replies,
'If you fail to work once, my business stops for nine months"
Good High IQ Joke - Jaga Singh
This story tell us not to be 'too kind' to our bosses...... . Here it goes:
There's this Jaga Singh who was working for a multi-millionare as a house guard. One day, while the millionaire was driving out to catch an early morning flight to conclude a business deal, Jaga Singh ran out from the guard house and stopped the millionaire' s car just right in front of the gate.
He said 'Sir...Sir.. are you going to board a plane?'
'Yes, why?' asked the millionaire.
'You had better cancel the trip. You see, last night I dreamt about the plane going to crash.'
Curious over the early morning fright that Jaga Singh had given, the multimillionaire decided to cancel his trip. 'You better be damn right for this is a million dollar deal.'
The following day, there were news reports that the plane which the millionaire was supposed to take had indeed crash landed. 'Thank God, I cancelled the trip,.' the rich man said Realising that what Jaga Singh had said had come true, he called the Singh to see him.
When the guard was called that morning, the millionaire gave him his salary and FIRED him.
WHY ?
Think first....
Use your brains
Use your brains!!!!!
Still no idea??
Come on...... it is very easy....
Still drawing a blank????
Just imagine you are the Singh and you have saved your boss's life........
OK-lah, since you do not want to 'use your brains' like Jaga Singh before you talk to your boss........ ..
Just scroll down for the answer...
ANSWER :
Jaga Singh was supposed to guard! the house at night. NOT to Sleep and Dream all night! So, GO BACK TO WORK!! and Don't try to save your boss's life!! It's not worth it!!! Always save your own ass first!!!
( No need to work today, it's weekend.... hahahahaha.. . enjoy your day)
There's this Jaga Singh who was working for a multi-millionare as a house guard. One day, while the millionaire was driving out to catch an early morning flight to conclude a business deal, Jaga Singh ran out from the guard house and stopped the millionaire' s car just right in front of the gate.
He said 'Sir...Sir.. are you going to board a plane?'
'Yes, why?' asked the millionaire.
'You had better cancel the trip. You see, last night I dreamt about the plane going to crash.'
Curious over the early morning fright that Jaga Singh had given, the multimillionaire decided to cancel his trip. 'You better be damn right for this is a million dollar deal.'
The following day, there were news reports that the plane which the millionaire was supposed to take had indeed crash landed. 'Thank God, I cancelled the trip,.' the rich man said Realising that what Jaga Singh had said had come true, he called the Singh to see him.
When the guard was called that morning, the millionaire gave him his salary and FIRED him.
WHY ?
Think first....
Use your brains
Use your brains!!!!!
Still no idea??
Come on...... it is very easy....
Still drawing a blank????
Just imagine you are the Singh and you have saved your boss's life........
OK-lah, since you do not want to 'use your brains' like Jaga Singh before you talk to your boss........ ..
Just scroll down for the answer...
ANSWER :
Jaga Singh was supposed to guard! the house at night. NOT to Sleep and Dream all night! So, GO BACK TO WORK!! and Don't try to save your boss's life!! It's not worth it!!! Always save your own ass first!!!
( No need to work today, it's weekend.... hahahahaha.. . enjoy your day)
Pinocchio and Sandpaper
One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.
"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"
"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.
"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your "Girlfriend? "
Said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"
"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"
"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.
"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your "Girlfriend? "
Said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"
His and Hers Poems
WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I Iay me down to sleep
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast,
nymphomaniac with big tits
who owns a bar on a golf course and loves
to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Before I Iay me down to sleep
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast,
nymphomaniac with big tits
who owns a bar on a golf course and loves
to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
The Wanker
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:
YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:
YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!
The Lord Grants One Wish
A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said. 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel t would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy'.
The Lord replied;
'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel t would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy'.
The Lord replied;
'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
Deaf sex
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes: 'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times..'
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time.
If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes: 'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times..'
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time.
If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.
An Arab And A Jew
An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the Doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally.
So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving His blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation. Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again.
His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his Blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank You Card and a box of Almond Roca sweets.
The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not Acknowledge the Jew's kind gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner.
The Arab replied: "Ya Habibi !!, (Dear Friend) you have to remember, I have Jewish blood now!"
So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving His blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation. Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again.
His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his Blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank You Card and a box of Almond Roca sweets.
The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not Acknowledge the Jew's kind gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner.
The Arab replied: "Ya Habibi !!, (Dear Friend) you have to remember, I have Jewish blood now!"
The Parrot
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to stuff into his sack, he heard a strange disembodied voice come through the darkness:
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin! He shut off his flashlight and waited... When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and resumed searching for more valuables. Just as he disconnected the stereo, he heard again, clear as a bell:
"Jesus is watching you."
Completely freaked, he shone his light around looking for the source of the voice. In a corner of the room the beam came to rest upon an African parrot.
"Did you say that?!" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the bird replied. "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar visibly relaxed. "Warn me, huh?! Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the parrot.
The burglar laughed, "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
"Probably," the bird answered, "the same kind of people who would name a rottweiler Jesus."
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin! He shut off his flashlight and waited... When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and resumed searching for more valuables. Just as he disconnected the stereo, he heard again, clear as a bell:
"Jesus is watching you."
Completely freaked, he shone his light around looking for the source of the voice. In a corner of the room the beam came to rest upon an African parrot.
"Did you say that?!" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the bird replied. "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar visibly relaxed. "Warn me, huh?! Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the parrot.
The burglar laughed, "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
"Probably," the bird answered, "the same kind of people who would name a rottweiler Jesus."
Martini
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
Post Office
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... you don't even know the way to the Post Office."
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... you don't even know the way to the Post Office."
Do it again
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."
Pig: The Most Dangerous Animal
A bear, a lion and a pig meet:
Bear says, "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says, "If I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."
Pig says, "Big deal... I only have to cough, and the entire planet lives in fear."
Bear says, "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says, "If I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."
Pig says, "Big deal... I only have to cough, and the entire planet lives in fear."
25th Wedding Anniversary
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas.
When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 217."Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in,swinging her hips provocatively.
George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
Even George was taken aback. "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25..."
Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business.
Goodbye..."
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"
George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 217."Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in,swinging her hips provocatively.
George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
Even George was taken aback. "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25..."
Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business.
Goodbye..."
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"
George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
A woman's age
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a dru g store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30..'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.?
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't,' she says..
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a dru g store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30..'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.?
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't,' she says..
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
Spaghetti
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with
meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with
meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce
Italian Tomato Garden
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won ' t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I ' m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were not in prison you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don ' t dig up that garden. That ' s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Now you can go ahead and plant the tomatoes. That ' s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won ' t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I ' m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were not in prison you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don ' t dig up that garden. That ' s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Now you can go ahead and plant the tomatoes. That ' s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
Penis Surgery
Women are always thinking, for themselves..
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his penis had grown fifty centimetres.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
'How long will Ralph be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously.
'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor.
'Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his penis had grown fifty centimetres.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
'How long will Ralph be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously.
'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor.
'Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
Italian Men
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.
" You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country... we don't speak aloud in pubic places about our sex lives....
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who'za talkin' about a SEX? I'm justa tellin' my a friend here how to spella 'Mississippi' ."
I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!!
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.
" You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country... we don't speak aloud in pubic places about our sex lives....
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who'za talkin' about a SEX? I'm justa tellin' my a friend here how to spella 'Mississippi' ."
I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!!
A Western Lawyer and a Chinese
A Western lawyer and an Chinese are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The Western lawyer is thinking that all Chinese are so dumb that he could get over on them, easy.
So the lawyer asks if the Chinese would like to play a fun game. The Chinese is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.
This catches the Chinese's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?'
The Chinese doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the
lawyer.?
Now, it's the Chinese's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails
to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Chinese and hands him $500. The Chinese pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Chinese up and asks,
'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?
The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.?
The Western lawyer is thinking that all Chinese are so dumb that he could get over on them, easy.
So the lawyer asks if the Chinese would like to play a fun game. The Chinese is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.
This catches the Chinese's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?'
The Chinese doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the
lawyer.?
Now, it's the Chinese's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails
to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Chinese and hands him $500. The Chinese pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Chinese up and asks,
'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?
The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.?
Lawyer
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine
When he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate
He asked one man ' Why are you eating grass?
' We don ' t have any money for food, ' the poor man replied.' We have to eat grass. '
' Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you', the lawyer said.
' But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree '
' Bring them along, ' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, ' You come with us also.
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!' ' Bring them all, as well, '
the lawyer answered They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was..
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, ' Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, ' Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 metre high! '
When he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate
He asked one man ' Why are you eating grass?
' We don ' t have any money for food, ' the poor man replied.' We have to eat grass. '
' Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you', the lawyer said.
' But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree '
' Bring them along, ' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, ' You come with us also.
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!' ' Bring them all, as well, '
the lawyer answered They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was..
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, ' Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, ' Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 metre high! '
grandma's age
Little johnny asked his grandma! How old she was.
Grandma answered, "39 and holding."
johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "and how old would you be if you let go?"
Grandma answered, "39 and holding."
johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "and how old would you be if you let go?"
The water pistol
when my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol.. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to mom and said, "i'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
mom smiled and then replied.... "i remember!!"
I was not so pleased. I turned to mom and said, "i'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
mom smiled and then replied.... "i remember!!"
climb the walls
"oh, i sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
the grandmother was curious. "what trick is that?" she asked.
"i heard him tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit," the little boy answered.
the grandmother was curious. "what trick is that?" she asked.
"i heard him tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit," the little boy answered.
first time ushers
a little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates.
When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "don't pay for me daddy. I'm under five."
When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "don't pay for me daddy. I'm under five."
Children's sermon
One easter sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg.
He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "what's in here?"
"i know!" a little boy exclaimed. "pantyhose!! "
He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "what's in here?"
"i know!" a little boy exclaimed. "pantyhose!! "
Palm sunday
It was palm sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for. "people held them over jesus' head as he walked by."
"wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "the one sunday i don't go, he shows up!"
"wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "the one sunday i don't go, he shows up!"
Support a family
The prospective father-in-law asked, "young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
Life after death
"do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"yes, sir," the new employee replied.
"well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother' s funeral, she stopped in to see you!
"yes, sir," the new employee replied.
"well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother' s funeral, she stopped in to see you!
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