Bu Guru : "Kamu murid baru?"
Murid :"Iya, Bu."
Bu Guru : "Pindah dari mana?"
Murid : "Bantul, Bu"
Bu Guru : "Namamu?"
Murid : "Demitri Saklitunov."
Bu Guru :"Hmm..keren. Kamu lahir di Rusia?"
Murid : "Saya kelahiran Bantul,Bu."
Bu Guru : "Bapakmu seorang duta besar?"
Murid : "Bukan, Bu, tukang Ojek."
Bu Guru : "Ibumu?"
Murid : "Jual jamu gendong."
Bu Guru : "Siapa nama bapakmu?"
Murid : "Triyono."
Bu Guru : "Ibumu?"
Murid : "Sademi."
Bu Guru : "Tapi namamu kaya orang eropa."
Murid : "Singkatan, Bu, Sademi dan Triyono jadi Demitri."
Bu Guru : "Owh.. Saklitunov?"
Murid : "Saya lahir Sabtu Kliwon Tujuh November."
Rahasia Seks Ala Kompor
Suami : Ma,,, "pantat" kamu makin besar dan lebar ajaa kayak kompor Ariston ".
Sang istri marah, tapi ditahan dalam hati ...
Beberapa saat kemudian di dalam kamar, sang suami merengek...
Suami : "Ma, jatah dong ....."
Istri dengan santai menjawab
"Hemat Energy dong Mas, masa manasin Sosis kecil aja pakai kompor Ariston ???
Sang istri marah, tapi ditahan dalam hati ...
Beberapa saat kemudian di dalam kamar, sang suami merengek...
Suami : "Ma, jatah dong ....."
Istri dengan santai menjawab
"Hemat Energy dong Mas, masa manasin Sosis kecil aja pakai kompor Ariston ???
Rahasia Sukses Jokowi Ahok
J-ujur
O-ra korupsi
K-erja keras
O-ra ngapusi
W-ani mati demi
I-ndonesia
JOKOWI saja yg memenuhi syarat!
A-gak galak
H-idup hanya sekali
O-ra bakal korupsi
K-erja keras
AHOK, pasangan Jokowi paling pas!
O-ra korupsi
K-erja keras
O-ra ngapusi
W-ani mati demi
I-ndonesia
JOKOWI saja yg memenuhi syarat!
A-gak galak
H-idup hanya sekali
O-ra bakal korupsi
K-erja keras
AHOK, pasangan Jokowi paling pas!
Rahasia Menjadi Seorang Politisi Sukses
WUUKAAA....
Menjelang pemilu, seorang politisi dengan semangat tinggi mendatangi perkampungan suku terasing untuk berkampanye. Di depan warga suku, di ladang ketela yang habis dipanen, politisi pun berpidato berapi-api,
"Saya datang ke sini, karena saya mencintai Saudara-saudara semua!"
"Wuukaaaa!!!" orang-orang berteriak serempak sambil mengepalkan tangan ke udara. Merasa mendapat dukungan, poli...tisi kita jadi kian membara semangatnya.
"Dengan sepenuh hati akan saya perjuangkan kemakmuran untuk Saudara-saudara!"
"Wuukaaaa!!!"
"Perumahan yang lebih baik!"
"Wuukaaaa!!!"
"Makanan yang lebih lezat dan bergizi!"
"Wuukaaaa!!!"
"Pendidikan!"
"Wuukaaaa!!!"
"Kesehatan!"
"Wuukaaaa!!!"
"Kehidupan yang lebih bermartabat!"
"Wuukaaaa!"
Ini sungguh kampanye yang gegap-gempita dan sukses, kata politisi dalam hati...
Usai kampanye, politisi meninjau perkampungan diiringkan Kepala Suku. Ia pun tertarik pada bangunan besar tepat di tengah perkampungan itu.
"Bangunan apa itu?"
"Kandang kuda".
"Kuda?"
"Ya. Kami menggunakan kuda untuk berburu. Kuda-kuda milik semua warga disimpan di kandang itu".
"Boleh Saya melihat kuda-kudanya?"
"Oh, silakan. Tapi hati-hati melangkah ya... sayang sepatu Bapak kalau sampai menginjak Wuukaa..."
Menjelang pemilu, seorang politisi dengan semangat tinggi mendatangi perkampungan suku terasing untuk berkampanye. Di depan warga suku, di ladang ketela yang habis dipanen, politisi pun berpidato berapi-api,
"Saya datang ke sini, karena saya mencintai Saudara-saudara semua!"
"Wuukaaaa!!!" orang-orang berteriak serempak sambil mengepalkan tangan ke udara. Merasa mendapat dukungan, poli...tisi kita jadi kian membara semangatnya.
"Dengan sepenuh hati akan saya perjuangkan kemakmuran untuk Saudara-saudara!"
"Wuukaaaa!!!"
"Perumahan yang lebih baik!"
"Wuukaaaa!!!"
"Makanan yang lebih lezat dan bergizi!"
"Wuukaaaa!!!"
"Pendidikan!"
"Wuukaaaa!!!"
"Kesehatan!"
"Wuukaaaa!!!"
"Kehidupan yang lebih bermartabat!"
"Wuukaaaa!"
Ini sungguh kampanye yang gegap-gempita dan sukses, kata politisi dalam hati...
Usai kampanye, politisi meninjau perkampungan diiringkan Kepala Suku. Ia pun tertarik pada bangunan besar tepat di tengah perkampungan itu.
"Bangunan apa itu?"
"Kandang kuda".
"Kuda?"
"Ya. Kami menggunakan kuda untuk berburu. Kuda-kuda milik semua warga disimpan di kandang itu".
"Boleh Saya melihat kuda-kudanya?"
"Oh, silakan. Tapi hati-hati melangkah ya... sayang sepatu Bapak kalau sampai menginjak Wuukaa..."
Rahasia Cara Menahan Puasa di Bulan Ramadhan
Siaran Radio Jugala (juara sagala lagu) :
Asep: "Haloow dengan radio Jugala?"
Penyiar: "Betul, dgn siapa dimana nih..?"
Asep : "Asep di Tanjungsari... mau titip salam, utk Kang Eman yg sdg ngeu'eum, Kang Tjatja yg sdg nguseup, utk yayang Eti yg sdg ngoréd.
Mau rikwes nih Kang?"
Penyiar: "Sok bisa...mau di-puterkeun naon?"
Asep: "Pang muterkeun Adzan Magrib lah, geus teu kuat yeuh!!
" Penyiar : "...preeeet!!!
Asep: "Haloow dengan radio Jugala?"
Penyiar: "Betul, dgn siapa dimana nih..?"
Asep : "Asep di Tanjungsari... mau titip salam, utk Kang Eman yg sdg ngeu'eum, Kang Tjatja yg sdg nguseup, utk yayang Eti yg sdg ngoréd.
Mau rikwes nih Kang?"
Penyiar: "Sok bisa...mau di-puterkeun naon?"
Asep: "Pang muterkeun Adzan Magrib lah, geus teu kuat yeuh!!
" Penyiar : "...preeeet!!!
Rahasia Karaoke di Happy Puppy Gratis
Seorang encek pergi ke karaoke, memesan lagu "Aceng Mai Loti".
Operator : "Nggak ada lagu judul bageto !"
Setelah ngotot 1 jam, baru ketahuan bahwa judul lagu yang diminta adalah "Unchained Melody".
Besoknya encek berantem lagi sama operator. Encek mau pesen lagu "No Ceng Go Noceng".
Dua jam kemudian operator baru tau kalau encek minta lagu "Nothing Gonna Change".
Encek saking senengnya karena operator sudah mutarin pesanan lagu2 permintaannya, mengajak manager karaoke minum bir sambil bersulang.
Encek bilang "Kan Pei" ( Bersulang ala China ).
Maka bonyoklah encek digebukin security karaoke, karena dikira encek "Can't Pay".
Operator : "Nggak ada lagu judul bageto !"
Setelah ngotot 1 jam, baru ketahuan bahwa judul lagu yang diminta adalah "Unchained Melody".
Besoknya encek berantem lagi sama operator. Encek mau pesen lagu "No Ceng Go Noceng".
Dua jam kemudian operator baru tau kalau encek minta lagu "Nothing Gonna Change".
Encek saking senengnya karena operator sudah mutarin pesanan lagu2 permintaannya, mengajak manager karaoke minum bir sambil bersulang.
Encek bilang "Kan Pei" ( Bersulang ala China ).
Maka bonyoklah encek digebukin security karaoke, karena dikira encek "Can't Pay".
The Biggest World's Secret How To Get Money Easier
Now this is funny and I don’t care who you are!
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened
.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Obama.
Obama was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C. and that asshole Obama took $95.00 in taxes.
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened
.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Obama.
Obama was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C. and that asshole Obama took $95.00 in taxes.
The Top Secret How Not to Get Fired
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday.
There's Something Wrong With My Dick
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice..
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice..
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose.
The Secret Lives of Wives
An airline introduced a special package for businessmen. Buy your ticket; get your wife's ticket free.
After a great success, the airline sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply, "Which trip?"
*
Husband was seriously ill. After thorough examination, doctor sent him outside to wait.
Doctor to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant to him and keep him in good mood,
don't discuss your problems, don't demand new clothes or gold jewels.
Do this for one year and he will be fine.
On the way home, husband asked wife: What did the doctor say?
Wife: No matter what we do for you, you are going to die!
*
An intelligent wife is one who spends so much that her husband can't afford another woman.
*
Wife buys a new phone and decides to surprise her husband who is sitting in the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband from the new number: "Hello darling!"
The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back later honey, the dumb lady is in
the kitchen.”
*
Cool message by a woman: Dear mother-in-law, "don't teach me how to handle my children,
I'm living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement."
*
In an African safari, a lion suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
Wife: Shoot him! Shoot him!
Santa: Yes, yes. I'm changing the battery in my camera..
*
What is the difference between mother and wife?
A – One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.
*
Husband and wife are like 2 tyres of a vehicle.
If one punctures, the vehicle can't move further.
Moral: Always keep a spare tyre....
*
What's the similarity between chewing gum and begum (wife) ??
Both are sweet at the beginning and become tasteless, shapeless and sticky in the end..
*
A man came home late at night after a party.
His wife yelled: "How would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"
The man couldn't believe his luck.
He blurted out: 'That would be great'!
Monday passed and he didn't see her ......
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday passed too.....
On Friday his swelling became better and now he could see her from the corner of one eye.
*
You know why the word woman starts with 'w'?
Because all questions start with "w".. !
Who ?
Why ?
What ?
When ?
Which ?
Whom ?
Where ?
&
finally Wife..!!!
*
Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to sway around &
no one teaches how to choose a wife.
Natural disasters just happen.
*
Wife: last night I had a dream that you were sending me jewellery and clothes!
Just then my eyes opened.
Husband: Yeah, you didn't see the end of that dream where I saw your dad paying the bill !!!
*
A recently fired stock trader said, "This is worse than divorce. I have lost everything and I still
have my wife !!!! "
*
Message of the year:-
Women live a better, longer and peaceful life..!!
Why?
Very simple... A woman does not have a wife..!!!
After a great success, the airline sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply, "Which trip?"
*
Husband was seriously ill. After thorough examination, doctor sent him outside to wait.
Doctor to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant to him and keep him in good mood,
don't discuss your problems, don't demand new clothes or gold jewels.
Do this for one year and he will be fine.
On the way home, husband asked wife: What did the doctor say?
Wife: No matter what we do for you, you are going to die!
*
An intelligent wife is one who spends so much that her husband can't afford another woman.
*
Wife buys a new phone and decides to surprise her husband who is sitting in the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband from the new number: "Hello darling!"
The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back later honey, the dumb lady is in
the kitchen.”
*
Cool message by a woman: Dear mother-in-law, "don't teach me how to handle my children,
I'm living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement."
*
In an African safari, a lion suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
Wife: Shoot him! Shoot him!
Santa: Yes, yes. I'm changing the battery in my camera..
*
What is the difference between mother and wife?
A – One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.
*
Husband and wife are like 2 tyres of a vehicle.
If one punctures, the vehicle can't move further.
Moral: Always keep a spare tyre....
*
What's the similarity between chewing gum and begum (wife) ??
Both are sweet at the beginning and become tasteless, shapeless and sticky in the end..
*
A man came home late at night after a party.
His wife yelled: "How would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"
The man couldn't believe his luck.
He blurted out: 'That would be great'!
Monday passed and he didn't see her ......
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday passed too.....
On Friday his swelling became better and now he could see her from the corner of one eye.
*
You know why the word woman starts with 'w'?
Because all questions start with "w".. !
Who ?
Why ?
What ?
When ?
Which ?
Whom ?
Where ?
&
finally Wife..!!!
*
Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to sway around &
no one teaches how to choose a wife.
Natural disasters just happen.
*
Wife: last night I had a dream that you were sending me jewellery and clothes!
Just then my eyes opened.
Husband: Yeah, you didn't see the end of that dream where I saw your dad paying the bill !!!
*
A recently fired stock trader said, "This is worse than divorce. I have lost everything and I still
have my wife !!!! "
*
Message of the year:-
Women live a better, longer and peaceful life..!!
Why?
Very simple... A woman does not have a wife..!!!
The Most Wanted Secret How To Be A Great Leader
This is definitely the best joke of the day. Try not to laugh too loud in the office!!!!
Singaporeans will love this one..
General Musharraf, Dr Mahathir, Gloria Arroyo & Lee Kuan Yew were sitting in a train.
The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark for the next 8 seconds. Suddenly there is a loud kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel.
Arroyo and Musharraf are seated across each other, both looking perplexed.
Mahathir, seated across LKY, is bent over holding his face, which is very red from an apparent big slap.
All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
Musharraf is thinking : ' These Malaysians are all crazy about Arroyo. Mahathir must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him ! '
Arroyo is thinking : ' Mahathir must have moved to kiss me, but kissed Musharraf instead and got slapped. '
Mahathir is thinking : ' Damn it, Musharraf must have tried to kiss Arroyo ; she thought it was me and slapped me instead. Shit !! '
Lee Kuan Yew is thinking : ' If this train goes through one more tunnel, I can make another kissing sound and slap Mahathir again !! '
Singaporeans will love this one..
General Musharraf, Dr Mahathir, Gloria Arroyo & Lee Kuan Yew were sitting in a train.
The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark for the next 8 seconds. Suddenly there is a loud kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel.
Arroyo and Musharraf are seated across each other, both looking perplexed.
Mahathir, seated across LKY, is bent over holding his face, which is very red from an apparent big slap.
All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
Musharraf is thinking : ' These Malaysians are all crazy about Arroyo. Mahathir must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him ! '
Arroyo is thinking : ' Mahathir must have moved to kiss me, but kissed Musharraf instead and got slapped. '
Mahathir is thinking : ' Damn it, Musharraf must have tried to kiss Arroyo ; she thought it was me and slapped me instead. Shit !! '
Lee Kuan Yew is thinking : ' If this train goes through one more tunnel, I can make another kissing sound and slap Mahathir again !! '
The World's Most Tough Questions
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know we obviously don't have the money to pay them?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder.......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt.'
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their butt when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed when they know they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on......
Do illiterate people really get to enjoy Alphabet Soup?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know we obviously don't have the money to pay them?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder.......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt.'
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their butt when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed when they know they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on......
Do illiterate people really get to enjoy Alphabet Soup?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
The World's Biggest Secrets How to Make Successful, Effective and Powerful Prayer
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a stone wall."
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a stone wall."
How To Sex With Underage Girl
A cop was patrolling at night in a well known area for "parking."
He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window.
"Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugged, "I believe she's knitting a pullover."
The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening!
"What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 22, sir."
"And her, what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and said, "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes...
He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window.
"Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugged, "I believe she's knitting a pullover."
The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening!
"What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 22, sir."
"And her, what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and said, "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes...
The Top Reason Why You Must Have Sex Everyday !
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said.
"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."
"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said.
"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."
The Secret Why You Never Send Your Kid To Sunday School
Let’s not talk about politics today and instead look into the mind of an innocent toddler and how he perceives religious teachings, which sometimes do not make sense to small minds that can think better than mature minds.
Dad!
Yes, son.
How did I get here?
Err…hmm…why don’t you ask your mum? I want to read the papers.
I did and mum said to ask you, dad.
Ah…well…the stork brought you.
Oh. But my Sunday school teacher said we all came from Adam and Eve.
Well…that is also true.
You mean we all came from Adam and Eve?
Yes. Now run along and play. I want to read my papers.
My Sunday school teacher said Adam and Eve were the first two people on earth.
Yes, that’s right.
So who married them then?
What do you mean?
Aunty Sara and Uncle Bill got married by the priest. So who married Adam and Eve if they were the only two people on earth?
Err…no one.
So Adam’s and Eve’s children are all bastards then?
Hoi…where did you learn that word from? You must never use that word.
I heard you saying that, dad.
Me?
Yes, you said that your boss is a bastard. I asked Mike what bastard means and he told me. How do you know that your boss is a bastard like Adam’s and Eve’s children?
That was merely a figure of speech. I did not mean it literally. Oh never mind. No. Adam’s and Eve’s children are not bastards even though Adam and Eve never got married by a priest.
Oh, okay.
Now run along son.
But who did Adam’s and Eve’s children marry?
They married each other, son. You see, there were no other people on earth other than just Adam and Eve and their children.
So does that mean I can marry Kate when we grow up?
No, son, you can’t. Kate is your sister.
Oh. But Adam’s and Eve’s children were also brothers and sisters.
Yes they were. But at that time it was okay for brothers and sisters to get married. Now go outside and play.
We were also told the story of Noah and his yacht.
That’s good son. But it was called an ark, not yacht. Now go and play.
Did you know that Noah got all the animals onto the ark before the great flood and he saved all the animals? If not there would be no animals around today.
Yes, I know that, son.
But how did he feed those animals, dad?
I suppose he also had food on the ark, son.
But lions and tigers eat other animals. Won’t they eat up all the other animals on the ark?
No they won’t, son.
Then how did they stay alive for so long without food if the lions and tigers did not eat up all the other animals?
I don’t know, son, but I am sure that Noah had figured all this out before he took all those animals onto the ark.
My Sunday school teacher said that every animal alive today was on that ark.
That is true son.
Even penguins?
Yes, even penguins, son.
But there are no penguins living in the desert, dad. Where did Noah find penguins?
I am sure there were penguins in the desert at that time or maybe Noah found a way to get some from the North Pole.
But penguins live in the South Pole, dad.
Whatever.
Did Noah have a freezer on the ark?
Freezer?
Yes, penguins need the cold. They cannot live in the hot desert.
MARTHA!
Yes, John.
We have to stop sending Tim to Sunday school. I don’t think they are teaching him the right things.
Thanks, dad. Can I go outside and play now?
Dad!
Yes, son.
How did I get here?
Err…hmm…why don’t you ask your mum? I want to read the papers.
I did and mum said to ask you, dad.
Ah…well…the stork brought you.
Oh. But my Sunday school teacher said we all came from Adam and Eve.
Well…that is also true.
You mean we all came from Adam and Eve?
Yes. Now run along and play. I want to read my papers.
My Sunday school teacher said Adam and Eve were the first two people on earth.
Yes, that’s right.
So who married them then?
What do you mean?
Aunty Sara and Uncle Bill got married by the priest. So who married Adam and Eve if they were the only two people on earth?
Err…no one.
So Adam’s and Eve’s children are all bastards then?
Hoi…where did you learn that word from? You must never use that word.
I heard you saying that, dad.
Me?
Yes, you said that your boss is a bastard. I asked Mike what bastard means and he told me. How do you know that your boss is a bastard like Adam’s and Eve’s children?
That was merely a figure of speech. I did not mean it literally. Oh never mind. No. Adam’s and Eve’s children are not bastards even though Adam and Eve never got married by a priest.
Oh, okay.
Now run along son.
But who did Adam’s and Eve’s children marry?
They married each other, son. You see, there were no other people on earth other than just Adam and Eve and their children.
So does that mean I can marry Kate when we grow up?
No, son, you can’t. Kate is your sister.
Oh. But Adam’s and Eve’s children were also brothers and sisters.
Yes they were. But at that time it was okay for brothers and sisters to get married. Now go outside and play.
We were also told the story of Noah and his yacht.
That’s good son. But it was called an ark, not yacht. Now go and play.
Did you know that Noah got all the animals onto the ark before the great flood and he saved all the animals? If not there would be no animals around today.
Yes, I know that, son.
But how did he feed those animals, dad?
I suppose he also had food on the ark, son.
But lions and tigers eat other animals. Won’t they eat up all the other animals on the ark?
No they won’t, son.
Then how did they stay alive for so long without food if the lions and tigers did not eat up all the other animals?
I don’t know, son, but I am sure that Noah had figured all this out before he took all those animals onto the ark.
My Sunday school teacher said that every animal alive today was on that ark.
That is true son.
Even penguins?
Yes, even penguins, son.
But there are no penguins living in the desert, dad. Where did Noah find penguins?
I am sure there were penguins in the desert at that time or maybe Noah found a way to get some from the North Pole.
But penguins live in the South Pole, dad.
Whatever.
Did Noah have a freezer on the ark?
Freezer?
Yes, penguins need the cold. They cannot live in the hot desert.
MARTHA!
Yes, John.
We have to stop sending Tim to Sunday school. I don’t think they are teaching him the right things.
Thanks, dad. Can I go outside and play now?
Cara Berbelanja di SuperMarket dengan Harga Murah
Nenek :
"BBM udah mau naik lagi ya Jul?
Panjul ;
iya tuh nek, tambah susah aja kitamah nek... Harga2 pasti ikut naik.
Nenek :
jaman Dulu... Waktu nenek masih sebaya emak kamu Jul... Duit 5 ribu perak, ke super market bisa dapet semuanya, susu, roti, keju, coklat, gula, mentega, terigu, parfum, bedak, lipstik, shampoo, sbn mandi, celana dalam, minyak goreng bahkan rokok kakekmu 1 slop.
Panjul :
Wuiiiih.... Banyak amat nek... Kalo sekarang gimana nek?
Nenek :
Sekarangmah susah Jul... Kagak bisa lagi... Dimana-mana ada CCTV
"BBM udah mau naik lagi ya Jul?
Panjul ;
iya tuh nek, tambah susah aja kitamah nek... Harga2 pasti ikut naik.
Nenek :
jaman Dulu... Waktu nenek masih sebaya emak kamu Jul... Duit 5 ribu perak, ke super market bisa dapet semuanya, susu, roti, keju, coklat, gula, mentega, terigu, parfum, bedak, lipstik, shampoo, sbn mandi, celana dalam, minyak goreng bahkan rokok kakekmu 1 slop.
Panjul :
Wuiiiih.... Banyak amat nek... Kalo sekarang gimana nek?
Nenek :
Sekarangmah susah Jul... Kagak bisa lagi... Dimana-mana ada CCTV
Cara Mendapatkan PSK dengan Harga di Bawah Standar
Jono yg suka sekali jogging. Setiap pagi dan setiap lewat sebuah jln dia selalu bertemu dgn seorang cewek cantik dan sexy. tpi cewek itu adlh seorang PSK, yg setiap pagi selalu berdiri di jln yg di lewati jono dan setiap kali pula si cewek PSK berteriak kepada jono:
"limaa raatuss ribuu.. Mauu???
Yg selalu di jawab sambil bercanda oleh si jono:
"nggaak aah..goceeng aja ???
Hal itu sudah menjadi kebiasaan mereka setiap kali berpapasan..
"limaa ratus ribu ..mauuu...???"
"nggaak aah..goceeeng "
suatu hari istri si jono ngotot mau ikut jogging, biarpun jono berusaha dengan segala cara mencegahnya, tetap saja sang istri yg badanya pendek, gendut, mana item ngotot mau ikutan juga.
jono mengalah dengan hati yg was-was bakal ada perang dgn istrinya kalau si cewek PSK itu meneggurnya,
Adduuuuch.. x_x
gumam jono dengan panik. dia tau istrinya tidak akan percaya bahwa itu cuma candaan semata.
benar saja, ketika jono dan istrinya itu jogging berdampingan mendekati jalan itu, sang PSK sudah berdiri di sana. jono mencoba menghindar tatapan mata secara langsung dengan PSK itu dan terus berlari melewatinya. jono sudah merasa hatinya tenang, tidak ada insiden apapun.
tpi tiba* dari belakang jono mendengar sang PSK berteriak :
"Luu liat sendiri kaan goceeeng dapetnyaa kayaak apaan... Weeeeekkk !!!
jono: (-_-)
"limaa raatuss ribuu.. Mauu???
Yg selalu di jawab sambil bercanda oleh si jono:
"nggaak aah..goceeng aja ???
Hal itu sudah menjadi kebiasaan mereka setiap kali berpapasan..
"limaa ratus ribu ..mauuu...???"
"nggaak aah..goceeeng "
suatu hari istri si jono ngotot mau ikut jogging, biarpun jono berusaha dengan segala cara mencegahnya, tetap saja sang istri yg badanya pendek, gendut, mana item ngotot mau ikutan juga.
jono mengalah dengan hati yg was-was bakal ada perang dgn istrinya kalau si cewek PSK itu meneggurnya,
Adduuuuch.. x_x
gumam jono dengan panik. dia tau istrinya tidak akan percaya bahwa itu cuma candaan semata.
benar saja, ketika jono dan istrinya itu jogging berdampingan mendekati jalan itu, sang PSK sudah berdiri di sana. jono mencoba menghindar tatapan mata secara langsung dengan PSK itu dan terus berlari melewatinya. jono sudah merasa hatinya tenang, tidak ada insiden apapun.
tpi tiba* dari belakang jono mendengar sang PSK berteriak :
"Luu liat sendiri kaan goceeeng dapetnyaa kayaak apaan... Weeeeekkk !!!
jono: (-_-)
Pesta Orang Manado
Alo dgn mince dapa undang dipesta...
Sampe dipesta dorang 2 duduk dekat meja makan,, sementara doa makan alo nda tutup mata kote, dia kurang lia2 itu dp ikan favorit... pas amin,, dia langsung ambe itu ikan mas stengah ekor.. "kage sementara makan dia ba bise pa mince..
Alo: "Mince bukan main ini zaman modern
eehh..
Mince: "kyapa do alo...? Alo: "iio noh... coba ngana lia sedangkan ikan mas so nda ada tulang skarang...
Mince: "ngana mmg biongo alo... Podenggg tudia mar model ikang mas. Wkwkwkwk
Sampe dipesta dorang 2 duduk dekat meja makan,, sementara doa makan alo nda tutup mata kote, dia kurang lia2 itu dp ikan favorit... pas amin,, dia langsung ambe itu ikan mas stengah ekor.. "kage sementara makan dia ba bise pa mince..
Alo: "Mince bukan main ini zaman modern
eehh..
Mince: "kyapa do alo...? Alo: "iio noh... coba ngana lia sedangkan ikan mas so nda ada tulang skarang...
Mince: "ngana mmg biongo alo... Podenggg tudia mar model ikang mas. Wkwkwkwk
Alasan Kenapa Harga Komoditas Naik
Barusan baca di FB, ada temen kasih tahu ada MO - Modus Operandi baru tipu-tipu via SMS. Mungkin ada baiknya anda semua eling lan waspodo, antisipasi sebelum marak, jeh!
Sehubungan dengan kenaikan gila-gilaan harga bawang merah dan bawang putih di pasar-pasar, katanya para mama peminta pulsa, sekarang mau mulai ganti minta.... bawang dan cabai merah - kerana harga bawang dan cabai merah ternyata lebih tinggi jauh dari harga pulsa tuh, euy!
Sehubungan dengan kenaikan gila-gilaan harga bawang merah dan bawang putih di pasar-pasar, katanya para mama peminta pulsa, sekarang mau mulai ganti minta.... bawang dan cabai merah - kerana harga bawang dan cabai merah ternyata lebih tinggi jauh dari harga pulsa tuh, euy!
Rahasia Cara Menjadi Anggota DPR
Seorang pemuka agama galau memikirkan masa depan anaknya yg semata wayang.
Hari ini ia ikut UN, namun blm punya pilihan pendidikan utk masa depannya.
Ia ingin meng-test bakat si anak. Di meja kamar anaknya diletakkan empat macam benda, lalu ia memantau via kamera pengintai.
Kalau benda pertama yang diambilnya (yaitu Kitab Suci) maka ia akan jadi pemuka agama, tapi jika benda kedua (yaitu uang) ia pasti akan jadi pengusaha. Kalau benda ketiga yg diambil (majalah Porno), dia akan suka main perempuan. Tetapi jika ia menjamah benda keempat (yaitu minuman keras) dipastikan ia akan jadi preman dan pemabok.
Begitu si anak pulang ia masuk ke kamar, lalu matanya terpaku akan benda-benda asing di mejanya.
Setelah sejenak terkesiap, ia lalu mengambil kitab suci, dan mengepit-nya diketiak, kemudian ia mengambil uang dan memasukkannya kesaku. Sejenak kemudian ia membuka halaman majalah porno sambil termenung, akhirnya membuka botol minuman keras dengan giginya dan langsung meminumnya.
Sang ayah tanpa sadar berseru sendirian "Ya Tuhan, anakku akan menjadi anggota DPR", hehehehe ...
Hari ini ia ikut UN, namun blm punya pilihan pendidikan utk masa depannya.
Ia ingin meng-test bakat si anak. Di meja kamar anaknya diletakkan empat macam benda, lalu ia memantau via kamera pengintai.
Kalau benda pertama yang diambilnya (yaitu Kitab Suci) maka ia akan jadi pemuka agama, tapi jika benda kedua (yaitu uang) ia pasti akan jadi pengusaha. Kalau benda ketiga yg diambil (majalah Porno), dia akan suka main perempuan. Tetapi jika ia menjamah benda keempat (yaitu minuman keras) dipastikan ia akan jadi preman dan pemabok.
Begitu si anak pulang ia masuk ke kamar, lalu matanya terpaku akan benda-benda asing di mejanya.
Setelah sejenak terkesiap, ia lalu mengambil kitab suci, dan mengepit-nya diketiak, kemudian ia mengambil uang dan memasukkannya kesaku. Sejenak kemudian ia membuka halaman majalah porno sambil termenung, akhirnya membuka botol minuman keras dengan giginya dan langsung meminumnya.
Sang ayah tanpa sadar berseru sendirian "Ya Tuhan, anakku akan menjadi anggota DPR", hehehehe ...
Kisah Nyata Orang Batak
Bah! dunia ini sempit 'kali!
Seorang pria sedang minum di sebuah bar. Setelah beberapa gelas ia menoleh ke pria yang duduk disebelahnya, "Kayaknya aku pernah ketemu kau?!? Kau orang Batak ya?"
Pria itu mengangguk, "Ya, aku Batak! Aku juga familiar dengan mukamu; Kau orang batak juga?!?"
"Ha..haaaa..sama kita!!! Horas bah!!" kata pria pertama. "Horas..horas!!," sahut pria di sebelahnya gembira.
"Kampungmu dimana?" tanya pria kedua. "Aku dari Balige," jawab pria pertama, "Kau???" lanjut pria pertama.
"Bah!!! sama kita, aku juga Balige-Man..ha.ha.ha..ha..horas..horas!!!" balas pria kedua.
"Ngomong-ngomong Lae, kau SMA di mana dulu di Balige???" pria pertama sambung bertanya.
"Aku di SMA 1 Lae...kalo kau Lae..jangan-jangan SMA 1 juga ha..ha..ha...haaa..", jawab pria di sebelah pria pertama.
"Alamaaaak, aku sekolah SMA 1 juga..bah..bah..pantas kayak kukenal Lae...mantap kali!!..sempit kali dunia ini bah!!!" teriak pria pertama.
Semakin bersemangat dan panas keduanya. Pria pertama berdiri dan bertanya, "Lalu di mana kau tinggal di Balige Lae." Dia turun dari bangkunya, mendekat pada pria kedua dan mencoba memegang tangan pria disebelahnya itu.
"Jalan Tobing!! Lae??" jawab pria kedua bersemangat dan juga turun dari bangkunya, ditariknya tangan pria pertama.
"Haaaaa..akupun tinggal di Jalan Tobiiiing Laeee...sama kitaaa, sempit kali dunia ini bah, sempit kali bah!!!", tertawa dan berteriak pria pertama.
Keduanya meloncat-loncat, tertawa keras-keras sambil berpegangan tangan.
Bartender yang dari tadi ada di dekat mereka dan memperhatikan percakapan ini geleng-geleng kepala, katanya, "Aah..Cape deeh... si kembar Hutagalung mabook lagi..!!!"
Seorang pria sedang minum di sebuah bar. Setelah beberapa gelas ia menoleh ke pria yang duduk disebelahnya, "Kayaknya aku pernah ketemu kau?!? Kau orang Batak ya?"
Pria itu mengangguk, "Ya, aku Batak! Aku juga familiar dengan mukamu; Kau orang batak juga?!?"
"Ha..haaaa..sama kita!!! Horas bah!!" kata pria pertama. "Horas..horas!!," sahut pria di sebelahnya gembira.
"Kampungmu dimana?" tanya pria kedua. "Aku dari Balige," jawab pria pertama, "Kau???" lanjut pria pertama.
"Bah!!! sama kita, aku juga Balige-Man..ha.ha.ha..ha..horas..horas!!!" balas pria kedua.
"Ngomong-ngomong Lae, kau SMA di mana dulu di Balige???" pria pertama sambung bertanya.
"Aku di SMA 1 Lae...kalo kau Lae..jangan-jangan SMA 1 juga ha..ha..ha...haaa..", jawab pria di sebelah pria pertama.
"Alamaaaak, aku sekolah SMA 1 juga..bah..bah..pantas kayak kukenal Lae...mantap kali!!..sempit kali dunia ini bah!!!" teriak pria pertama.
Semakin bersemangat dan panas keduanya. Pria pertama berdiri dan bertanya, "Lalu di mana kau tinggal di Balige Lae." Dia turun dari bangkunya, mendekat pada pria kedua dan mencoba memegang tangan pria disebelahnya itu.
"Jalan Tobing!! Lae??" jawab pria kedua bersemangat dan juga turun dari bangkunya, ditariknya tangan pria pertama.
"Haaaaa..akupun tinggal di Jalan Tobiiiing Laeee...sama kitaaa, sempit kali dunia ini bah, sempit kali bah!!!", tertawa dan berteriak pria pertama.
Keduanya meloncat-loncat, tertawa keras-keras sambil berpegangan tangan.
Bartender yang dari tadi ada di dekat mereka dan memperhatikan percakapan ini geleng-geleng kepala, katanya, "Aah..Cape deeh... si kembar Hutagalung mabook lagi..!!!"
Cara Menikahi Gadis Cantik Tanpa Ada Modal
Seorang istri lagi sewot sama suaminya
Istri : knapa sih km ndak blg dri dlu klo kamu semiskin ini?
Suami : aku kan udah blg, tpi km aja yg ndak denger & ndak ngerti...!!!
Istri : emang dlu km blang apa???...
Suami : aku blang "sayang cuma kamu satu2nya yg kumiliki & yg ku punya di dunia ini, ehhh kamu malah jawab "so sweettt"....
Istri : #!?!.....
Istri : knapa sih km ndak blg dri dlu klo kamu semiskin ini?
Suami : aku kan udah blg, tpi km aja yg ndak denger & ndak ngerti...!!!
Istri : emang dlu km blang apa???...
Suami : aku blang "sayang cuma kamu satu2nya yg kumiliki & yg ku punya di dunia ini, ehhh kamu malah jawab "so sweettt"....
Istri : #!?!.....
Gilanya Sang Jokowi
GEBRAKAN JOKOWI
Gubernur DKI Jakarta, Jokowi, telah melakukan gebrakan yg luar biasa dg meluncurkan transportasi yg nyaman, yaitu Kopaja ber AC.
Rencananya trayek awal akan dibuka untuk trayek Pasar Minggu - Pasar Senen. Ongkos trayek adalah Rp. 2.500.- Sebaliknya dari Pasar Senen - Pasar Minggu Rp. 15.000.-.
Ketika ditanya wartawan mengapa trayek sebaliknya koq mahal, dijawab dg tenang oleh Jokowi, karena klo dari Pasar Minggu ke Pasar Senen bisa sekali jalan, tapi dari Pasar Senen ke Pasar Minggu harus. melewati Pasar Selasa, Pasar Rabu, Pasar Kamis, Pasar Jumat, dan Pasar Sabtu dulu, habis itu baru nyampe di Pasar Minggu...:D
Gubernur DKI Jakarta, Jokowi, telah melakukan gebrakan yg luar biasa dg meluncurkan transportasi yg nyaman, yaitu Kopaja ber AC.
Rencananya trayek awal akan dibuka untuk trayek Pasar Minggu - Pasar Senen. Ongkos trayek adalah Rp. 2.500.- Sebaliknya dari Pasar Senen - Pasar Minggu Rp. 15.000.-.
Ketika ditanya wartawan mengapa trayek sebaliknya koq mahal, dijawab dg tenang oleh Jokowi, karena klo dari Pasar Minggu ke Pasar Senen bisa sekali jalan, tapi dari Pasar Senen ke Pasar Minggu harus. melewati Pasar Selasa, Pasar Rabu, Pasar Kamis, Pasar Jumat, dan Pasar Sabtu dulu, habis itu baru nyampe di Pasar Minggu...:D
Wikileaks: Kenaikan BBM Untuk Kepentingan Mengurangi Penderitaan Rakyat Miskin
KENAIKAN BBM RAKYAT MISKIN MAKIN BERKURANG
* Pemerintah resmi menaikkan harga BBM, agar dana subsidi BBM lebih tepat sasaran, dengan harapan 'RAKYAT MISKIN akan BERKURANG' *
Berikut ini analisanya pemirsah..
Harga BBM naik
- tadinya rakyat miskin yang naik bis, sekarang jadi jalan kaki.. trus dijalan ketabrak metromini yg ngebut karena nguber setoran (gara2 bbm-nya naek) trus mati..
--> RAKYAT MISKIN BERKURANG
Tadinya rakyat miskin makan sehari 1x.. trus jadi makan 1x tapi buat 3 hari (karena daya belinya turun)..lama2 mati kelaparan..
--> RAKYAT MISKIN BERKURANG
Tadinya rakyat miskin yang pada sakit masih bisa beli obat generik.. trus BBM naik jadi nggak bisa beli lagi..akhirnya mati..
--> RAKYAT MISKIN BERKURANG
Tadinya rakyat miskin yg sakit masih bisa ke puskesmas naik angkot, sekarang cuma jalan kaki, kecapean nyampe puskesmas keburu semaput, trus mati..
--> RAKYAT MISKIN BERKURANG
Ada rakyat miskin yang jadi stress... mikirin bbm yang naek, saking mikirnya.... ampe lupa makan dan minum.... akhirnya mati juga.
-->RAKYAT MISKIN BERKURANG
Ada rakyat miskin yang kreatif dan berinisiatif.... buat menuhin kebutuhan dia nyolong ayam tetangga....ketangkep, digebukin massa..... ampe mati juga.
-->RAKYAT MISKIN BERKURANG
* Pemerintah resmi menaikkan harga BBM, agar dana subsidi BBM lebih tepat sasaran, dengan harapan 'RAKYAT MISKIN akan BERKURANG' *
Berikut ini analisanya pemirsah..
Harga BBM naik
- tadinya rakyat miskin yang naik bis, sekarang jadi jalan kaki.. trus dijalan ketabrak metromini yg ngebut karena nguber setoran (gara2 bbm-nya naek) trus mati..
--> RAKYAT MISKIN BERKURANG
Tadinya rakyat miskin makan sehari 1x.. trus jadi makan 1x tapi buat 3 hari (karena daya belinya turun)..lama2 mati kelaparan..
--> RAKYAT MISKIN BERKURANG
Tadinya rakyat miskin yang pada sakit masih bisa beli obat generik.. trus BBM naik jadi nggak bisa beli lagi..akhirnya mati..
--> RAKYAT MISKIN BERKURANG
Tadinya rakyat miskin yg sakit masih bisa ke puskesmas naik angkot, sekarang cuma jalan kaki, kecapean nyampe puskesmas keburu semaput, trus mati..
--> RAKYAT MISKIN BERKURANG
Ada rakyat miskin yang jadi stress... mikirin bbm yang naek, saking mikirnya.... ampe lupa makan dan minum.... akhirnya mati juga.
-->RAKYAT MISKIN BERKURANG
Ada rakyat miskin yang kreatif dan berinisiatif.... buat menuhin kebutuhan dia nyolong ayam tetangga....ketangkep, digebukin massa..... ampe mati juga.
-->RAKYAT MISKIN BERKURANG
Rahasia Cara Kaya Foya-Foya Masuk Surga
Cewek : Mas kerja dimana?
Cowok : Saya cuma usaha beberapa hotel bintang 4 dan 5 di Jakarta dan Bali…
Cewek : (WAW…Konglomerat pasti!)… Mas tinggal dimana?
Cowok : Pondok Indah Bukit Golf…
Cewek : (WAW kereenn…Rumah Orang-orang “The Haves”) Pasti gede rumahnya yah…?
Cowok : Ngga ah…Biasa aja kok… cuma 3000 m2…
Cewek : (Busett!) Pasti mobilnya banyak yah…?
Cowok : Sedikit kok…Cuma ada Ferrari. Jaguar. Mercedes. BMW. Mazda…
Cewek : (Wah cowok idaman gue nihh!!) Mas uda punya istri…?
Cowok : Hmm… Sampai saat ini belum tuh…hehe…
Cewek : (Enak juga nih kalu gue bisa jadi bininya…) Mas merokok??
Cowok : Tidak… rokok itu tidak bagus untuk kesehatan tubuh…
Cewek : (Wah sehat nihh!) Mas suka minum-minuman keras?
Cowok : Tidak donk…
Cewek : (Gilee…Cool abissss!!) Mas suka maen judi??
Cowok : Nggak… ngapain juga judi? ngabisin duit aja
Cewek : (Ooohhhh… So sweett…) Mas suka dugem gitu ga??
Cowok : Tidak tidak…
Cewek : (Iihh… sholeh banget nih cowok!) Mas udah naik haji?
Cowok : Yah…baru 3x dan umroh paling 6x…
Cewek : (Subhanallah…calon surgawi…) Hobinya apa sih mas?
Cowok BOHONGIN orang……*Sambil Ngacirr
Cewek : [-__-] [>_<] !!!
Cowok : Saya cuma usaha beberapa hotel bintang 4 dan 5 di Jakarta dan Bali…
Cewek : (WAW…Konglomerat pasti!)… Mas tinggal dimana?
Cowok : Pondok Indah Bukit Golf…
Cewek : (WAW kereenn…Rumah Orang-orang “The Haves”) Pasti gede rumahnya yah…?
Cowok : Ngga ah…Biasa aja kok… cuma 3000 m2…
Cewek : (Busett!) Pasti mobilnya banyak yah…?
Cowok : Sedikit kok…Cuma ada Ferrari. Jaguar. Mercedes. BMW. Mazda…
Cewek : (Wah cowok idaman gue nihh!!) Mas uda punya istri…?
Cowok : Hmm… Sampai saat ini belum tuh…hehe…
Cewek : (Enak juga nih kalu gue bisa jadi bininya…) Mas merokok??
Cowok : Tidak… rokok itu tidak bagus untuk kesehatan tubuh…
Cewek : (Wah sehat nihh!) Mas suka minum-minuman keras?
Cowok : Tidak donk…
Cewek : (Gilee…Cool abissss!!) Mas suka maen judi??
Cowok : Nggak… ngapain juga judi? ngabisin duit aja
Cewek : (Ooohhhh… So sweett…) Mas suka dugem gitu ga??
Cowok : Tidak tidak…
Cewek : (Iihh… sholeh banget nih cowok!) Mas udah naik haji?
Cowok : Yah…baru 3x dan umroh paling 6x…
Cewek : (Subhanallah…calon surgawi…) Hobinya apa sih mas?
Cowok BOHONGIN orang……*Sambil Ngacirr
Cewek : [-__-] [>_<] !!!
Thank You For The Smog - Indonesia!
Singapore dan Malaysia melaporkan Indonesia ke PBB tentang adanya kiriman asap kebakaran hutan di Indonesia.
Utusan PBB datang ke Malaysia, trus tanya ke salah satu warganya, yg kebetulan orang Melayu. Tanya : Anda terganggu dg kualiatas udara sekarang ? Jawabnya: "Betul, asep tebel..."
Kemudian ke Singapore, dan tanya juga ke warga disana (kebetulan ketemu orang Melayu juga), jawabnya sama:"ya.. asep tebel". Setelah melihat kondisi asap dan wawancara penduduk,
utusan PBB pulang ke markasnya dan lapor ke Boss nya, bahwa asap dari Indonesia ternyata tdak masalah dan bisa diterima karena warga Malaysia dan Singapore bilangnya "Acceptable".
Utusan PBB datang ke Malaysia, trus tanya ke salah satu warganya, yg kebetulan orang Melayu. Tanya : Anda terganggu dg kualiatas udara sekarang ? Jawabnya: "Betul, asep tebel..."
Kemudian ke Singapore, dan tanya juga ke warga disana (kebetulan ketemu orang Melayu juga), jawabnya sama:"ya.. asep tebel". Setelah melihat kondisi asap dan wawancara penduduk,
utusan PBB pulang ke markasnya dan lapor ke Boss nya, bahwa asap dari Indonesia ternyata tdak masalah dan bisa diterima karena warga Malaysia dan Singapore bilangnya "Acceptable".
The Chinese Secrets For Success
Chinese Wisdom
In the Chinese language, the word "LAO"? means old. It also has the connotation of "experienced" or "seasoned".
An experienced or seasoned person can be an expert in manipulation, as shown in the following illustrations:
Two things in life that are difficult to achieve:
1. To plant your idea in someone's head
2. To plant someone's money in your own pocket.
Achieving any one of the above is difficult. But there are people, with the title of LAO, can achieve one or both:
1. He who succeeds in planting his idea in someone's head - we call Lao Shi (teacher)
2. He who succeeds in planting someone's money in his own pocket - we call Lao Ban (boss)
3. The one who succeeds in both - we call Lao Po (wife) or Lao Qian (trickster)
4. The one who fails in both - we call Lao Gong (husband)
In the Chinese language, the word "LAO"? means old. It also has the connotation of "experienced" or "seasoned".
An experienced or seasoned person can be an expert in manipulation, as shown in the following illustrations:
Two things in life that are difficult to achieve:
1. To plant your idea in someone's head
2. To plant someone's money in your own pocket.
Achieving any one of the above is difficult. But there are people, with the title of LAO, can achieve one or both:
1. He who succeeds in planting his idea in someone's head - we call Lao Shi (teacher)
2. He who succeeds in planting someone's money in his own pocket - we call Lao Ban (boss)
3. The one who succeeds in both - we call Lao Po (wife) or Lao Qian (trickster)
4. The one who fails in both - we call Lao Gong (husband)
The Microsoft Top Secrets How To Master Computer Programming
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
The World's Biggest Secrets How to succeed in Final Exam
In a seminar class of about 250 students, the teaching assistant handed out the final exam of the semester and told the class that they had precisely 50 minutes to complete the exam, writing all of their answers in their "blue books."
He would announce times in advance of the end of the session but everyone had to close their blue books when time was announced and put the completed exams on his desk.
So at the 1/2 hour mark, he announces "20 minutes to go."
At the 3/4 hour mark, he announces "5 minutes to go" and the 250 students are scrambling to write in their best and final work.
At the 50 minute mark, he announces "OK, close your blue books and bring them up to my desk.
All students except one do exactly that. This last student keeps on working, but is unseen in the mass of humanity working their way to drop off their exams on the TA's desk. As the last 20-30 students are putting their blue books in stacks on the TA's desk he sees the remaining student still working, and says "HEY!"
The final student calmly closes his blue book and walks forward to the TA's desk. He walks up to the front of the desk, and stands arrogantly in front of the TA. Before the TA can say anything to him, he asks in a challenging voice, "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"
The teaching assistant, taken aback, says timidly "No."
The student says "Didn't think so," tucks his blue book in the middle of one of the stacks and walks out of the classroom.
He would announce times in advance of the end of the session but everyone had to close their blue books when time was announced and put the completed exams on his desk.
So at the 1/2 hour mark, he announces "20 minutes to go."
At the 3/4 hour mark, he announces "5 minutes to go" and the 250 students are scrambling to write in their best and final work.
At the 50 minute mark, he announces "OK, close your blue books and bring them up to my desk.
All students except one do exactly that. This last student keeps on working, but is unseen in the mass of humanity working their way to drop off their exams on the TA's desk. As the last 20-30 students are putting their blue books in stacks on the TA's desk he sees the remaining student still working, and says "HEY!"
The final student calmly closes his blue book and walks forward to the TA's desk. He walks up to the front of the desk, and stands arrogantly in front of the TA. Before the TA can say anything to him, he asks in a challenging voice, "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"
The teaching assistant, taken aback, says timidly "No."
The student says "Didn't think so," tucks his blue book in the middle of one of the stacks and walks out of the classroom.
The Secret How to Decline a Donation Requests
A local charity had been following the successes of the town's most successful lawyer, but they had never gotten a donation. The major gifts manager contacted him to try to solicit a gift.
"Our research shows that you make over $750,000 per year, but don't give anything to charity. Would you consider a significant gift to help the community?" asked the fund-raiser.
The lawyer responded, "does your research also show that my elderly mother is quite ill and has medical bills far exceeding her assets and income?"
"Well, no," said the manager.
"Or does your research show that my brother was recently in a debilitating accident and is now unemployed?"
"Or that my sister's husband recently died after 10 years in the hospital leaving her penniless with three kids?"
The humiliated manager quietly said, "I had no idea."
"So," said the lawyer, "if I am not giving any money to them, why would I give any to you?"
Having Sex Right Now !
Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, sunshine!
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, sunshine!
How To Have Sex With Your Maid
Sex on the Sabbath
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin, because he is not sure if sex is WORK or PLAY.
So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search,
I am positive that sex is WORK and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks, "What does a Priest know about sex?So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man,
and experienced in this matter. He queries the Minister and receives the same reply.
Sex is WORK, and therefore not for the Sabbath.
Not pleased with this reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority, a man of a thousand years of tradition and knowledge.
In other words, he goes to see a Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely PLAY.
Shocked, the man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure it is PLAY when so many others tell me sex is WORK?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were WORK, ...........my Wife would have the Maid do it..
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin, because he is not sure if sex is WORK or PLAY.
So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search,
I am positive that sex is WORK and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks, "What does a Priest know about sex?So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man,
and experienced in this matter. He queries the Minister and receives the same reply.
Sex is WORK, and therefore not for the Sabbath.
Not pleased with this reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority, a man of a thousand years of tradition and knowledge.
In other words, he goes to see a Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely PLAY.
Shocked, the man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure it is PLAY when so many others tell me sex is WORK?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were WORK, ...........my Wife would have the Maid do it..
How To Make Your Wife Shut Her Mouth In The Car
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs??'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
How To Have Sex With Horse
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned.'
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned.'
How To Have Sex With 18 Year Old Girl
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife:
You must realize you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife. I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that, by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, a faxed letter waited for him:
Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.
Your Wife
Dear Wife:
You must realize you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife. I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that, by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, a faxed letter waited for him:
Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.
Your Wife
The World's Biggest Secret How To Cure from Diabetes Mellitus
One day an Irishman -Paddy- goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some of the contents onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.
"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
He pours some of the contents onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.
"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
10 Rules for Dating My Daughter
10 Rules for dating my daughter.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of ?barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Football games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of ?barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Football games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
How To Know Someone is Jewish
The Jewish Elbow
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........
"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........
"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
The Secret How To Be Mafioso
Wise Italian Grandfather
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
The Secret How To Be Great Bankers
Bankers are so detail.
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it.... A lady sent it to me. She was laughing, too.
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it.... A lady sent it to me. She was laughing, too.
How To Cure Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
How To Have Sex With Someone's Wife Without Getting Afraid
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
Brothel Tour Secrets
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
You Cannot Breath Through Your Nose With Your Tongue Out
7 Facts in this World
(1) You cannot put soap in your eyes
(2) You cannot count your hair
(3) You cannot breathe thru your nose with your tongue out
(4) You did No. 3
(5) When you did No. 3, you realized its possible, but only you look like a dog
(6) You are smiling right now, because I fooled you
(7) Share this so you can have revenge too
(1) You cannot put soap in your eyes
(2) You cannot count your hair
(3) You cannot breathe thru your nose with your tongue out
(4) You did No. 3
(5) When you did No. 3, you realized its possible, but only you look like a dog
(6) You are smiling right now, because I fooled you
(7) Share this so you can have revenge too
How To Stop Hot Sex
Late Night Phone Call To The Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
The Secrets How To Give Sex Education in Class Room
Give the boy a PhD
A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked,"Boy what is your problem?"
Boy answered,"I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the Principal's office. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test:
Principal: "What is 3x3?"
Boy: "9"
Principal: "What is 6x6?"
Boy: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think the boy can go to the third-grade."
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my ownquestions. Can I ask him?" The principal and Boy both agree.
Ms Neelam asks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy, after a moment: "Legs"!
Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets"!
Ms Neelam: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Boy: Coconut
Ms Neelam: " What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy quickly answered..
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Neelam: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
The Principal's eyes again open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Boy: "Yep"
Ms Neelam: "You stick Your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.. I get wet before you do."
Boy: "Tent"
Ms Neelam: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy: "Wedding Ring"
Ms Neelam: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Boy: "Nose"
Ms Neelam: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Boy: "Arrow"
Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?"
Boy: "Firetruck"
Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand"
Boy: "Fork"
Ms Neelam: "What is it that all men have. It's longer for some men than on others. The nuns dont need it. The pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?"
Boy: "SURNAME"
Ms Neelam: "What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?"
Boy: "HEART"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher:
"Send this Boy to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
ONLY FILTHY AND IDLE MIND THINKS DIRTY and FAIL
A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked,"Boy what is your problem?"
Boy answered,"I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the Principal's office. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test:
Principal: "What is 3x3?"
Boy: "9"
Principal: "What is 6x6?"
Boy: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think the boy can go to the third-grade."
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my ownquestions. Can I ask him?" The principal and Boy both agree.
Ms Neelam asks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy, after a moment: "Legs"!
Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets"!
Ms Neelam: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Boy: Coconut
Ms Neelam: " What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy quickly answered..
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Neelam: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
The Principal's eyes again open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Boy: "Yep"
Ms Neelam: "You stick Your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.. I get wet before you do."
Boy: "Tent"
Ms Neelam: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy: "Wedding Ring"
Ms Neelam: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Boy: "Nose"
Ms Neelam: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Boy: "Arrow"
Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?"
Boy: "Firetruck"
Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand"
Boy: "Fork"
Ms Neelam: "What is it that all men have. It's longer for some men than on others. The nuns dont need it. The pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?"
Boy: "SURNAME"
Ms Neelam: "What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?"
Boy: "HEART"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher:
"Send this Boy to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
ONLY FILTHY AND IDLE MIND THINKS DIRTY and FAIL
The Most Wanted Secret to Cure Your Temper !
A CURE FOR YOUR HUSBAND'S TEMPER
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that.
When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.
I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says:
"The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that.
When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.
I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says:
"The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
How To Have Sex With College Girls
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
Prostitution in The Catholic Church
Sisters of St. Francis
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought...
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.... .'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought...
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.... .'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
The Biggest Catholic Church Secret Revealed
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
How To Sex Without Getting Sins
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
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Interesting - You'll love this racist story!!! Trust the Chinese to have his wits when he's on fronted by such a racist. A Chinese i...
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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, saying, "The female dormitory will be out...
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Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. There's too much blood in my alcohol system. People like you are the re...
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Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of...
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