Jewish Joke

Remember the old-time Jewish comedians of Vaudeville days  - Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You may have only heard of them, but don't we  all miss their kind of humor?

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says,  "Are you comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good  living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If  my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be  reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife  did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.  My wife calls it the Dead Sea .

* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom  and cried

* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was  only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two  days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man  couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six  months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your  check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my  arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!"  Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The  man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what  puzzles Me!

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,  "You've been brought here for drinking. " The drunk says,"Okay,  let's get started.

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth  it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want  to.

*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason  for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

*There  is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In  Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it  graduates from law school.

Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A : Alcohol  interferes with their suffering.

*Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess  horror movie?
 A : It's called, "Debbie Does  Dishes."

*Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole  officers?
 A : They never let anyone finish a  sentence.

*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?"  Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. " The son  said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in  38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in  38 days? "
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to  be full in case you should call."

*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they  always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave  it.

*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother  he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy  says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. " The mother scowls  and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking  part."

Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his  wife?
A : Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a  light bulb?
A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark.  I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill  us, we won, let's eat.

A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown  shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown  one.  The
mother says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you  like the blue one?"

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish  mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days."  "Force yourself," she replied.

Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a  Jewish mother?
A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets  go.

Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A : Because  Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off

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