New Wine

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot  Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new  hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected  to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the  bathroom during the night.

The new  wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE

I  HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

This wine is great for old people as I can drink all night and get a good nights sleep without loads of trips to the loo with Pino More,

Tionghoa Vs Steven Spielberg

Suatu malam di Amerika, seorang pria Tionghoa masuk ke sebuah bar dan melihat sutradara kondang Steven Spielberg (sutradara Titanic dan Jurassic Park). Dengan hati gembira, dia bergegas menghampiri menghampiri untuk minta tanda tangan.

Sayang, bukan tanda tangan yang didapat, Spielberg malah menamparnya dan berkata, "Kalian orang Chinese, mengebom Pearl Harbour, enyah dari sini." Spontan pria itu menjawab, "Bukan Chinese yang mengebom Pearl Harbour, tapi Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, kalian sama saja" ujar Spielberg.

Merasa dongkol atas perlakuan tadi, dia balas menampar Spielberg dan berseru, "Kamu yang menenggelamkan Titanic, kakek moyang saya ada di kapal itu!"

Terkejut, Spielberg menjawab, "Iceberg (gunung es) yang menenggelamkan kapal itu, bukan saya!" Pria China itu lalu berkata dengan kalem, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, kalian semua sama saja…"

Poems Found In Toilets

I hope you enjoy these POEMS


            POEMS FOUND IN TOILETS.

            THE 'FUTURE' IS IN YOUR HAND, HOLD IT GENTLY'

            Excellent poems by not so famous poets.....
            Found on toilet doors and walls...

            A budding poet trying his best...
            Here I lie in stinky vapour,
            Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
            Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
            Or shall I be forced to use my finger .

            Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this...
            Here I sit
            Broken hearted.
            Tried to shit
            But, only farted .


            Someone who had a different experience wrote:
            You're lucky
            You had your chance
            I tried to fart,
            And shit my pants!


            Perhaps it's true that people find inspiration in toilets.
            I came here
            To shit and stink,
            But all I do
            Is sit and think .


            There are also people who come in for a different purpose...
            Some come here to sit and think.
            Some come here to shit and stink.
            But, I come
            Here to scratch my balls ,
            And read the bullshit on the walls.....


            Toilet's walls als o double as job advertisement space.... (written high upon the wall)
            If you can piss above this line,
            The Fire Department wants you.


            Ministry of Environment advertisement.
            We aim to please!
            You aim too! Please


            On the inside of a toilet door:
            Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance..


            And finally, this should teach some a lesson... Sign seen at a restaurant: The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly.

Pengakuan Arifinto PKS

Dipanggil oleh dewan Syari'ah PKS, Arifinto mengatakan bahwa video yang ditontonnya saat Sidang Paripurna adalah Video Religi karena pemainnya berulang-ulang menyebut :

"Oh My God.. Oh My God...Oh My God........ "

GT Man

​Suatu ketika para superhero sedang berkumpul dan saling menyombongkan diri mereka.

Superman: "Aku bisa keluar penjara, karena jeruji besi itu bisa meleleh dengan sinar laser mataku".

Hulk: "Aku bisa keluar penjara hanya dengan jari keliking aku bisa merobohkan pintu penjara".

Invisible man: "Kalau aku bisa keluar penjara dengan mengubah diriku menjadi tidak kelihatan".

Kemudian muncul super hero lain yg menamakan diri GT-man.

GT-man: "Kalian semua masih kalah dengan aku..aku bisa keluar penjara tanpa merusak pintu penjara, dan tanpa menghilang, bahkan sipir penjara tidak bereaksi ketika melihat aku"

Superhero: "Hebat, Salut..dari mana asalmu".

GT-man: " Indonesia..namaku GT-Man...: Gayus Tambunan..., Man.!!!."

Ramalane Prabu Djojobojo

nDunjo iki wis tuwo.......Tjontone akeh djoko dadi dudo.......

Akeh prawan sing nglahirno putro tanpo bopo.......

Akeh rondo towo2 rogo.......

Djare ra penak turu dewe jen ora ono kontjo djedjoko.......

Akeh putro sing wani karo wongtuwo.......

Enek omah ibadat ora tau disobo....... malah sing disobo omahe germo.......

Didjak ibadah mesti semojo, djare sambat bojo'ne loro.......

Sing meneng berarti rumongso....... sing ngguju berarti kulino.......

Elingo jen dipundut sewajah2 ora enom ora tuwo.......

Malaikat podo ngintjer sopo2.......

Mulo djo lali ibadah ning kuoso....... jen mati ben mlebu suargo.......

Jen mlebu suargo djo lali  BBne digowo.......

Ben iso ngabari kontjo2.......

Effort

A giant ship engine failed. The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine.

Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a young. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.

Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!

A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.

"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"

So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."

The man sent a bill that read:

Tapping with a hammer...... ......... ........ $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap.......... ......... ...... $ 9, 998.00

Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort makes all the difference!

Barber Shop

George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir ?' Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

The Most Caring Child

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once Talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the Contest was to find the most caring child..

The winner was:

A four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his
wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old Gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just
Helped him cry.'

*********************************************

Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture
had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, 'I know all about Adoption, I was adopted..'
'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked another child.

'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew
in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'

*********************************************

On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a
park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first- base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was 'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered With a smile.

'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you don't look very discouraged.'

'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a Puzzled look on his face...

'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't Been up to bat yet.'

*********************************************

Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.

On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her,
eyes shining with pride and excitement..  'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'
(All politicians should learn from this story.  --   A comment by Julian)
*********************************************

An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December,
some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering With cold.

A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'

'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,'was the boy's reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.

She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.

By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks... Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him
a pair of shoes..

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him... She patted him on the head and said, 'No
doubt, you will be more comfortable now.'

As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears
in his eyes, asked her.

'Are you God's wife?'

Watermelons

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"

Goodbye Mom

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout.

She turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's  day,

he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk..
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items!"
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too."

Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

Ripped Off On E-Bay

I've Spent $150 on E-bay for a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

Tips Cerdas Memilih Bank Setelah Kejadian Melinda Dee

Tips Cerdas untuk memilih Bank yang aman saat ini:

1. Masuk dan perhatikan satu persatu para karyawati Bank tersebut.

2. Jangan sekali-kali menyerahkan slip setoran atau pemindah bukuan kosong yg sudah Anda tanda-tangani kepada petugas bank, secantik dan sebesar apa pun susunya.

3.Apabila sebagian besar karyawati bersusu BESAR, segera batalkan niat Anda menabung di situ.

4. Amati apakah susu karyawati dibank itu semakin membesar. Jika ya, segera cek rekening anda.

5. Amati apakah susu anda membesar stlh menabung di bank itu, jika ya, tabungan anda aman

6. Jika susu karyawati nya besar semua, berarti anda salah masuk, anda telah masuk ke panti pijat ++, bukan ke bank.

Irish Alzheimer's

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat!"

Origin of The Human Race

A little girl asked her Mom, "How did the human race appear?"
The Mom answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,
and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered,
"Well, Dear, it's very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

An Italian Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell...'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Julia Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Tentang Pernikahan

Di sebuah pesta pernikahan, seorang anak bertanya pada ibunya.
Anak : Mama, kenapa sih mempelai wanita pake baju putih?
Ibu : Karena ini hari paling membahagiakan dalam hidupnya, Nak.
Anak : (berpikir sebentar) Lalu kenapa mempelai pria pakai baju hitam?

***
Seorang dokter dan istrinya bertengkar hebat saat sarapan. Karena tidak dapat menahan emosi, Si Dokter bangkit dengan marah dan keluar sambil berteriak, "Kamu payah di ranjang!" lalu meninggalkan rumah

Beberapa saat kemudian Si Dokter menyadari kesalahannya dan memutuskan untuk berbaikan. Dia menelepon istrinya, namun telepon tak diangkat. Baru setelah sekitar setengah jam mencoba telepon diangkat oleh Sang Istri.

Dengan jengkel Si Dokter mengatakan "Apa yang membuatmu begitu lama menjawab telepon"? Dia berkata, "Aku di ranjang".
"Di tempat tidur saat seperti ini, NGAPAIN?"
"Saya ingin mendapat second opinion..."jawabnya.

***
Seorang wanita muda mendatangi apotek dan memesan arsenik.

Apoteker (kebetulan cowok) bertanya "Bu, apa yang Anda inginkan dengan arsenik?".

Wanita itu menjawab "Saya ingin membunuh suami saya."

"ASTAGA... Saya tidak bisa memberikan arsenik untuk alasan itu." kata si apoteker.

Wanita tersebut kemudian merogoh tasnya dan mengeluarkan sebuah foto : seorang pria dan seorang perempuan dalam pose seronok - pria itu suaminya dan wanita itu adalah istri apoteker - dan menunjukkan ke si apoteker.

Si apoteker melihat pada foto itu dan berkata ... "Ibu tidak bilang kalau punya resep!"

***
Mengapa pria yang sudah menikah lebih gendut daripada pria lajang?
Karena ketika pria lajang pulang, ia membuka lemari es, jika tidak menemukan apa yang ia inginkan, ia pergi ke tempat tidur sedangkan ketika pria yang sudah menikah pulang, ia pergi ke tempat tidur, jika tidak menemukan apa yang ia inginkan, ia menuju lemari es!

***
Seorang suami dan istrinya sedang mengemudi di jalan raya ketika seorang polisi memepet mobil, meminta mereka untuk menepi. Mobil menepi dan petugas mendekati mobil.

Polisi: "Tunjukkan SIM dan STNK."
Suami: "Ini Pak, maaf, apa yang menjadi masalah?"

Polisi: "Batas kecepatan di sini 70 km, Anda melampauinya."
Suami: "Pasti ada kekeliruan, saya hanya 65."
Istri: "Mas, kamu setidaknya 80!"

Polisi: "Kamu melanggar lampu lalu lintas."
Suami: "Saya melewatinya ketika masih kuning."
Istri: "Mas, tadi jelas-jelas sudah merah"

Polisi: "Kamu tidak pakai sabuk pengaman."
Suami: "Tetapi Pak, saya baru melepasnya ketika Bapak datang."
Istri: "Mas, kamu kan selama ini ga pernah pakai sabuk pengaman"

Suami: "HEI SETAN! GA BISA DIAM?!"
Polisi: "Bu, apakah dia selalu bicara sekasar ini kepadamu?
Istri: "Hanya ketika dia mabuk..."

That's Life

 God created the donkey and said to him.
"You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live  50 years."

The donkey answered:
"I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years"
God granted his wish.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God created the dog and said to him:
"You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend.
You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years.
You will be a dog. "
The dog answered:
"Sir, to live 30 years is too much,give me only 15 years.
" God granted his wish.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God created the monkey and said to him:

"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks.
You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. "
The monkey answered:
"To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years."
God granted his wish.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Finally God created man ...

and said to him:
"You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.
You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals.
You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years."

Man responded:
"Sir, I will be a man but to live only
20 years is very little,
give me the 30 years that the donkey refused,
the 15 years that the dog did not want and
the 10 years the monkey refused.
" God granted man's wish
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......

And since then, man lives
20 years as a man ,

marries and spends
30 years like a donkey,
working and carrying all the burdens on his back.

Then when his children are grown,
he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house
and eating whatever is given to him,

so that when he is old,
he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey,
going from house to house and from one son or
daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

That's Life.