Never Tell The Wife She Has A Big Butt!

A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon, the wife was working in the garden while the husband was grilling hamburgers out on the lawn. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said...
'Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill.'
Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt.
'Yep,' he said,' just what I thought, just about the same size.'
The wife became outraged and left him outside alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said,
'How about it, honey? How about a little ooche coochee?'
The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
'What's the matter?' he asked.  She replied...
'You don't think I'm going to fire up this big grill just for one little old weenie, do you?'

Dark In Here

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the
cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '£250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '£750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a £1,000....'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'...

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!