How to jump from a height without being injured

Four men-an East Indian, a Jamaican, a Native American, and a white man-gathered at the top of a 30-story building.

The East Indian said, "This is for my people," and jumped off.

The Jamaican said, "This is for my people," and jumped off.

The Native American said, "This is for my people," and pushed the white man off.

How To Get BMW

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents' room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.

"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?"

"It is ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby that is all."

The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.

Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father.

"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?"

"Son, there has been a change of plan," his father replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."

Never Marry An Oil Tycoon

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil tycoon demanded that divorce proceeding begin at one against is young wife.

"What's the problem?"

"I want to hit that adulteress bitch for breach of contract," snapped the magnate.

 "I don't know if that'll fly," replied the lawyer. "I mean, your wife isn't a piece of property, you do not own her."

"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined
 "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drilling rights

The 3 tragedies in a man's life

1- life sucks

2- job sucks

3- Wife does NOT!

Jesus Is A Rottweiler

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight ]off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler with Jesus.

How To Hold Your Boss's Testicles?

Square Testicles
This is a joke that is supposed to bring you luck.

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure. 'The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'

How to Avoid Being Raped

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,  then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife :  “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

His wife responds :                                                                                                                                               'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too.'

How To Eat for Free

Waiter Gives Bill To  Jack.
Jack :-Take This Card.
Waiter :-But Sir, This Is ' Ration Card '
Jack :-So What? You Have Writen Outside..' ALL CARDS ACCEPTED ' .

The New Threesome Techniques

Doctor :- Do You Watch Your Husband's Face During Sex?
Preeta :- I Did Once & Saw Anger.
Doctor:- Why?
Preeta :- Because He Was Watching From The Window.

The Most Expensive Slut

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology,
and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ears: "I study law, and I know how to make someone feel guilty.”

How to get your husband back home

Priscilla :  My Husband Went To Buy Potatoes 5 Days Ago,
He Hasn't  Come Back Yet!
Sandra :-  Why Don't You Cook Something Else?

How To Learn Swahili in 6 Months

Sarah :- We Have To Learn Swahili Within 6 Months
Or We Will Not Be Able To Communicate With Our Child.
Fred :- Is It!.. Why?
Sarah:- We Have Adopted A Swahili Child And It Will Start To Speak After 6 Months. .
We Need To Learn........ To Understand Him. 

How to remove swallowed key

Peter :- I Have Swallowed A Key.
Doctor :  When?
Peter :- 3 Months Back!
Doctor:- What Were You Doing Till Now?
Peter :- I Was Using Duplicate Key, Now I Have Lost It too.

How To Show Your Penis To everyone without any charges

You need a sense of humor to work in a nursing home ~ that is for sure.

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this.)


'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

The Secret To Free Phone Calls

If  You Want To Dial 9449494494..
How Will You Dial........?
I Will First Dial ..... 94494  And Then  Press "REDIAL".....................

How to Be A great Hunter

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's this old car transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what the hell just happened, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunerrt miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

How To Sleep With Your friend's wife

Brian :- Did You Have A Chance To Sleep With My Wife Yet?

Mark :- What Are You Saying. I Would Never Even Think About Such Things.
                
Brian :- Well, You Might Want To.. She Is Much Better Than Yours.

Best Husband In The World

Ronald :- I Kiss My Wife Before I Go To Office
Robert :- I Kiss Your Wife After You Go To Your Office
Ronald :- Ha..Ha..But I'm The First.!

Maintaining A Vibrant Sex Life At Old Age

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old white man married a 20 year old white girl.
After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying:
"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year the young bride gave birth again.
The same nurse said: "You are truly amazing, How do you do it?"
He again said: "You've got the keep the old motor running
The same thing happened the next year.
The nurse then said: "Well, well, well!! You certainly are quite a man!"
He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black"

Learn How to Invest from this Great Man

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband  in a very drunken state.

He explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he'd been , well , let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job , then he burst into tears.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.

Then , she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million.
She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the results of her savings and investments. The husband was so astounded he could barely speak.

Finally he found his voice and blurted out,

'If I'd had any idea that you were investing those $ 20 for this day,
I would have had sex only with you.'

That's when she shot him.

Men just don't know when to keep their mouth shut, especially when drunk !!!!!

Never Marry A Russian!

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)












What were you thinking?

Her husband speaks English....hellooo!

Now get back to work !

Secrets of Getting Good Grades

The gynaecologist who became a mechanic

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career"   .

Now, try to guess what she will do........ Big Grin

How To Be A Monk

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
 
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
 
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reach for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks "May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,......silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door".

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.
 

 


.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

The green movement

In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."
The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment."

He was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 2000 watts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.
In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.
When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.
Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service.
We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 22,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Double Sadness

Sally's Dad Died..She Was Crying..
After A Phone Call Sally Starts Crying Even Louder..
Brenda :-What Happened Now ?
Sally :- My Sister Just Called..Even Her Father Died..!

The Death of the Swimmer

John Saw A Board At The Center Of A Pond
He Tried To Read.. But Couldn't
At Last He Swims To The Center Of The Pond Just To Read
" Crocodile Present, Do Not Swim !"

Raped Wife in The Court

Judge :- Can You Tell Me The Exact Place Where This Man Raped Your Wife?
Mom Lifts her Daughter's Underwear & Said, "Here..My Lord..Here..!

Married a Non-Virgin Wife

Harry :- I Divorced My Wife Jasmine On Our Wedding Nite.
Ben :- Why?
Harry :- I Saw The Label On Her Panties..It Said,
"Tested OK by Johnson & Sons."

Wet in The Pants

Two elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench.
One of them said to the other, "I'm 84 years old and full of aches and pains. I know you*re about my age, how do you feel?"
"I feel like a new born baby".
"A new born baby, really?"
"Yeah, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants".

Never Let A Blonde Have Dogs

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said,
'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

Night Lecture

An elderly man was stopped by the police at 1 a.m.

The officer asked, "Where are you going at this hour of the night?

 "I'm going to a lecture on the subject of alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

 "Oh really!’, and who is giving this lecture at 1 o'clock in the morning?"

 "That would be my wife."

How To Knitting while Driving

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

Never Let Blonde Drive BMW

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

How To Kill Your Husband

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, he said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

Retired as a Scientist

As  we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors"  who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
Harold Schlumberg is such a  person:

THIS  IS QUOTED FROM  HAROLD: "I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'

Well..., I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy  it."
Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

Viagra for Female Dentist

The female dentist prepares the needle to give the bloke with the toothache an anaesthetic injection.
“No way! No needles, I hate needles!” the guy said.
So the dentist starts to hook up her nitrous oxide gas and the man objects again. “I can't do the gas thing either.
The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!”
She then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill.
“No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.”
When she returns she says, “Here's a Viagra and a glass of water.”
The guy says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
“It doesn't” she said, "But it’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out."

Niggers on Plane

A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly.
The pilot speaks over the intercom ... "I'm sorry it has come to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne".
Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's speed continues to decrease.
Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, "I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'".
"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?" There was no answer so the pilot calls, "Black people, are there any black people on board?"
Again silence.
"C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?
Still there is silence.
A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother and said, "Mum, ain't we African?  Ain't we black?  Ain't we coloured?"
She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers. Let them do the Muslims first. If that don’t work we is Zulus".

Fuck Off

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.

An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Lions Bay School , God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Geelong Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away; so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and that I should understand that she wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f*ck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.
Sincerely,
Edna