Signs All over Place

Sign over a Gynecologist' s Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At a Proctologist' s door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician' s truck:
"We'll look into your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist' s Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist' s window:
"We really know our stuff."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." 

In a Veterinarian' s waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
       
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

Sign on the back of another Septic Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Obey Your Wife

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise , God appeared and said,
"I want the men to make two queues. One queue for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other queue for the men who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St Peter."
Soon all the women were gone and there were only the two queues of men.
The queue of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 kilometers long, and in the queue of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose!
Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this queue?"
The man replied, "I don't know....  My wife told me to stand here."
 Lesson: The secret of a happy marriage is to obey your wife!!!

Tight Skirt Zipper

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Biology Class - Final Exam

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's  milk,' worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...

7.) It comes in 2 cute containers.

He got an A.

Marriage humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.'

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you!'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling! , but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because w aren't married yet.'

Son: ' Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, N O MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever .
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor.'

Video Panas Anggota DPR

Seorang perempuan menelepon seorang anggota DPR laki2
dengan nada mengancam: “Masih ingat saya?  Kita, kan, pernah tidur bersama.  Saya punya videonya. Sekarang saya minta Rp 3 Milyar.  Kalau tidak  akan saya beberkan ke media!”

Mendapat telepon begitu bapak anggota DPR ketakutan dan langsung menyanggupinya sambil bertanya: “Tapi kamu siapa dan kita tidur di mana, ya?”

Si perempuan di ujung telepon menjawab: “Saya anggota DPR juga. Kita tidur bareng waktu sidang paripurna!”

Sent from Backdoor Street Mania

The 11th Husband.

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin ".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. 

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in  Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the  order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer,   he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing;  although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist;  all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist;  all he did was look at it. 

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".


"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? 

"You're with the
"GOVERNMENT "  
This time I KNOW  I'M gonna get  screwed."

How to Have an Affair Without Afraid with Your Wife

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

' You disrespectful pig !' she cried . ' How dare you do this to me----a faithful wife,the mother of your children !'  I'm leaving you . I want a divorce!'

The husband replied  'Hang on just a minute love ,so at least I can tell you what happened.'

Fine , go ahead ' she sobbed , 'But they'll be the last words you'll say to me !'

And the husband began : 'Well , I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car . I  noticed that she was very thin , not well dressed and very dirty.  She told me she hadn't eaten in three days ! So , in my compassion , I brought her home and warm up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn't eat because you were afraid you'd put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in minutes.

 'Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shwoer , and , while she was doing , I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes , so I threw them away.
Then , as she needed clothes , I give her the designer jeans you have hadfor a few years , but don't use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present , which you don't use because you said I don't have good taste.  And I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her , and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same pair.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued,  'She was so grateful for my understanding and help , as I walked her to the door , she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said , ' Please .....DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE THAT YOUR WIFE DOESN'T  USE ????!!!!

Made In ...

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 am.

While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA)

was perking, he shaved with his electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG)

He put on a dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA),

designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE)

and tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA)

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA)

he sat down with his calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO)

to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN )

to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA )

he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY )

filled it with GAS
(from Saudi Arabia )

and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day
checking his Computer
(made in MALAYSIA ),

John decided to relax for a while.

He put on his sandal
(MADE IN BRAZIL),

poured himself a glass of wine
(MADE IN FRANCE)

and turned on his TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA),

and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT
MADE IN KENYA.

You gotta keep this one circulating!

Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky

On July20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind,” were televised to Earth and heard by millions.

But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.” Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the, “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small mid-west town, he was playing baseball with a friend. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky :

“Sex! You want sex? You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

Flying Over The Fire

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

“It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!”. The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”

Compiling a Family History

The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose — how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said :

“Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government

institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”

The Birthday Parrot

A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.

Noting worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said,          “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”

David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?

The Clergyman and the Dog

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.

One of the boys replied, “This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we’re having a contest:
whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.”

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning,

“Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”

There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh,
“All right,” he said, “give him the dog.”

Different Dates

WHITE WOMEN:

First date:
You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date:
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third date:
You get to have sex but only when

she wants to and only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:

First Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.

GREEK or ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date:
You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date:
You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs if not Souvlaki or some pastry filled with cheese and spinach.

Third Date:
You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.

5th Anniversary:
You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary:
You find yourself a Mistress with a much smaller ass.

CHINESE WOMEN:

First date:
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date:
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.

Third date:
You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing
is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:

First date:
Meet her parents.

Second date:
Set the date of the wedding.

Third date:
Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:

First Date:
You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date:
You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date:
You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date:
She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date:
You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in
the back of her car.

Second Date:
She's pregnant.

Third Date:
She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her
two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his
three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date:
You will have to spend all your money to impress

Second Date:
You will take a loan to keep the image

Third Date :
Your are broke, she finds someone wealthier

ARAB WOMEN:

First Date:
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.

Second Date:
Guy is stoned to death or shot.

No third date!!!

17 Agustus di Sorong

Coba simak nyanyian si Frans, nyong Ambon satu ini di perlombaan nyanyi 17 Agustusan di Sorong.

Frans.. sekarang giliran kou..!

Dengan pedenya Frans menyanyi "Enam belas agustus thn empat lima..."

Penilai: "Hey Frans..! kou punya lagu salah itu... ulang lagi..!"

Frans: "Enam belas agustus thn empat lima.."

Penilai: "Frans..! kou salah..!"

Frans: "Beta seng salah bapa... bapa dorang dengar beta manyanyi dolo.."

Akhirnya semua serius mendengarkan Frans menyanyi.

Frans: "Enam belas agustus tahun empat lima, besoknya hari kemerdekaan kita.."


Yaaaaa.....