Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, Golf 2.8 and Racing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
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REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!! ! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child Support.
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .. etc
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software.
I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!!
DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Little Johnny
Little Johnny's at it again...... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Little Johnny asked, " Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
(this is my favorite)
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Little Johnny asked, " Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
(this is my favorite)
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'
Pervert at Theater
A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie.
the ticket agent asked, "sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
the old farmer said, "that's my pet rooster chuck. wherever i go, chuck goes."
"i'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "we can't allow animals in the theater."
the old farmer went around the corner and stuffed chuck down his overalls.
then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.
he sat down next to two old widows named mildred and marge.
the movie started and the rooster began to squirm. the old farmer unbuttoned his fly so chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"marge," whispered mildred.
"what?" said marge.
"i think the guy next to me is a pervert.."
"what makes you think so?" asked marge?
"he undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered mildred.
"well, don't worry about it", said marge.. "at our age we've seen 'em all"
"i thought so too", said mildred...." but this one's eatin' my popcorn!!"
the ticket agent asked, "sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
the old farmer said, "that's my pet rooster chuck. wherever i go, chuck goes."
"i'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "we can't allow animals in the theater."
the old farmer went around the corner and stuffed chuck down his overalls.
then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.
he sat down next to two old widows named mildred and marge.
the movie started and the rooster began to squirm. the old farmer unbuttoned his fly so chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"marge," whispered mildred.
"what?" said marge.
"i think the guy next to me is a pervert.."
"what makes you think so?" asked marge?
"he undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered mildred.
"well, don't worry about it", said marge.. "at our age we've seen 'em all"
"i thought so too", said mildred...." but this one's eatin' my popcorn!!"
Hindi English - India
The following are supposed to be how the Indian are speaking English among themselves:
Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigarette... ? "
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Class teacher once said :
" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
once Hindi teacher said...."I'm going out of the world to America.."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
don't. laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said
" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
teacher in a furious mood...
write down ur name and father of ur name!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My manager started like this
"Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"will u hang that calendar or else I'll HANG MYSELF"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chemistry HOD comes and tells us...
"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code..
"I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seeing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class..
"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"
Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigarette... ? "
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Class teacher once said :
" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
once Hindi teacher said...."I'm going out of the world to America.."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
don't. laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said
" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
teacher in a furious mood...
write down ur name and father of ur name!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My manager started like this
"Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"will u hang that calendar or else I'll HANG MYSELF"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chemistry HOD comes and tells us...
"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code..
"I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seeing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class..
"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"
Rude customer
For those of us who fly from time to time (or work with the public)
For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers - An award should go to the Westjet gate attendant in Kelowna , British Columbia for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded flight was canceled after Westjet's 767s had been withdrawn from service.
A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please; may I have you attention please, " she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers - An award should go to the Westjet gate attendant in Kelowna , British Columbia for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded flight was canceled after Westjet's 767s had been withdrawn from service.
A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please; may I have you attention please, " she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
Daddy's car in the woods?
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army. "
Mommy fainted!
Moral:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army. "
Mommy fainted!
Moral:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Raise Request
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
a) I do physical labor
b ) I work at great depths.
c) I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
d) I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
e) I work in a damp environment.
f) I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
g) I work in high temperatures.
h) My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely,
Best Regards,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
a) You do not work 8 hours straight
b ) you fall asleep after brief work periods.
c) You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
d) You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
e) You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
f) You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
g) You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
h) You will retire well before you are 65.
i) You are unable to work double shifts.
j) You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task...
k) And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
a) I do physical labor
b ) I work at great depths.
c) I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
d) I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
e) I work in a damp environment.
f) I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
g) I work in high temperatures.
h) My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely,
Best Regards,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
a) You do not work 8 hours straight
b ) you fall asleep after brief work periods.
c) You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
d) You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
e) You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
f) You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
g) You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
h) You will retire well before you are 65.
i) You are unable to work double shifts.
j) You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task...
k) And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
Why Singaporean Girls can't win miss universe
It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA , Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with 'L'
Miss USA : Lamp
Miss Malaysia : Light bulb
Miss Singapore : LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter 'L'
MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animal starting with the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lion
Miss Malaysia : Leopard
Miss Singapore : LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!
MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with 'L'
Miss USA : Lexus
Miss Malaysia : Lamborgini
Miss Singapore : Lolls- Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!
MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit starting with the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lemon
Miss Malaysia : Lychee
Miss Singapore , with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN !! (durian)
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really be disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having so many problems With the letter 'L', they decided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia : Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore : LAN CIAU !!
The Judges fainted ..!
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with 'L'
Miss USA : Lamp
Miss Malaysia : Light bulb
Miss Singapore : LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter 'L'
MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animal starting with the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lion
Miss Malaysia : Leopard
Miss Singapore : LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!
MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with 'L'
Miss USA : Lexus
Miss Malaysia : Lamborgini
Miss Singapore : Lolls- Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!
MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit starting with the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lemon
Miss Malaysia : Lychee
Miss Singapore , with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN !! (durian)
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really be disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having so many problems With the letter 'L', they decided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia : Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore : LAN CIAU !!
The Judges fainted ..!
100 kisses
DEAR Sunita Darling,
I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, please adjust.
Your loving husband,
Aram SINGH
His wife replied...
Sunita to PAPA,
Thanks for the 100 kisses,
Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...:
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord Balkar Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.
4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand..
5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses. Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance...
Shall I plan the same for the next month?
Your Sweet Heart,
Sunita Singh
I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, please adjust.
Your loving husband,
Aram SINGH
His wife replied...
Sunita to PAPA,
Thanks for the 100 kisses,
Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...:
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord Balkar Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.
4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand..
5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses. Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance...
Shall I plan the same for the next month?
Your Sweet Heart,
Sunita Singh
Only a Mother would know
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room reading the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for my Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know),
"'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room reading the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for my Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know),
"'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Loyalty
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side........ .
You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck. Get the f**k away from me."
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side........ .
You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck. Get the f**k away from me."
Rules of the road
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a big time lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense.
Cop says," License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
"I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
"What's the difference?"
"The difference is, ye huvte come to a complete stop; that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
So the lawyer gets out.
The cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow down?"
Cop says," License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
"I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
"What's the difference?"
"The difference is, ye huvte come to a complete stop; that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
So the lawyer gets out.
The cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow down?"
Old Man & Viagra
An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra.
The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said,
"That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore as I
am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough
so I don't pee on my shoes."
The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said,
"That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore as I
am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough
so I don't pee on my shoes."
Big War
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
Health Joke
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
* * * *
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn And what are these? Vegetables . So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
* * * *
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
* * * *
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
* * * *
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
* * * *
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
* * * *
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
* * * *
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around! !
* * * *
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
* * * *
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !
* * * *
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, 'WOO HOO, What a Ride
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
* * * *
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn And what are these? Vegetables . So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
* * * *
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
* * * *
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
* * * *
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
* * * *
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
* * * *
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
* * * *
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around! !
* * * *
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
* * * *
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !
* * * *
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, 'WOO HOO, What a Ride
Three Dead Bodies
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'First body: An Italian , 60, died Of
heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'
Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the Lottery,
spent it all on whiskey, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the Smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Danny O'Neil,
Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'Thought he was having his picture taken'.
their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'First body: An Italian , 60, died Of
heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'
Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the Lottery,
spent it all on whiskey, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the Smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Danny O'Neil,
Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'Thought he was having his picture taken'.
Disorder in American Courts
These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things peopleactually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
* * * *
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
* * * *
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
* * * *
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
* * * *
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
* * * *
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
* * * *
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
* * * *
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
* * * *
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
* * * *
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
* * * *
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
* * * *
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
* * * *
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
* * * *
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
* * * *
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
* * * *
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
* * * *
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
* * * *
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
* * * *
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
* * * *
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
* * * *
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
* * * *
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
* * * *
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
* * * *
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
* * * *
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
* * * *
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
* * * *
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
* * * *
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
* * * *
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
* * * *
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
* * * *
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
* * * *
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
* * * *
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
* * * *
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
* * * *
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Difficult English
You Think English Is Easy?
Can you read these right the first time?
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
19. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And who came up with the phrase 'cream of the crop'? Has anyone ever seen a crop of milk?
Can you read these right the first time?
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
19. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And who came up with the phrase 'cream of the crop'? Has anyone ever seen a crop of milk?
Irish Wrestler
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now den, don't forget all de research we've done on dis Russian. He's never lost a match because of dis 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in dat hold! If he does, you're finished.'
Paddy nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Paddy and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Paddy collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of dat hold? No one has ever done dat before!'
Paddy answered "Well now, I was ready to give up when he got me in dat hold but at de last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so wit my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
The trainer exclaimed "Aha so he couldn't take it,and it finished him off?"
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong yer get when yer bite your own nuts.
Paddy nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Paddy and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Paddy collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of dat hold? No one has ever done dat before!'
Paddy answered "Well now, I was ready to give up when he got me in dat hold but at de last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so wit my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
The trainer exclaimed "Aha so he couldn't take it,and it finished him off?"
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong yer get when yer bite your own nuts.
God & Satan
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
Australian Talking Clock
Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late onenight,
A drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brassgong hanging on thewall.
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pri*#. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'
A drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brassgong hanging on thewall.
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pri*#. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'
Do you remember ?
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Really Miss
A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, "Why do you love doing that?"
She replies: "Because I really miss mine".
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, "Why do you love doing that?"
She replies: "Because I really miss mine".
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