A Family Affair

Father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blond woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that another member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio if she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said: "Look, guys, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories, or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that, the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth was agape: "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said: "I really didn't get into it and I faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole.

The son said: "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said: "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt," before tapping in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away, smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said: "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night.

The son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said: "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb: "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly, 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said: "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"

Story of Melt Princess

Once upon a time there lived a king.

The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;

metal,

wood,

stone,

Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that

does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring

his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCE TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.


The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed. .

The third prince approached. He told the princess,

"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.


Question: What was in the prince ' s pants?

(Scroll down for the answer)







M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.



What were you thinking??

Masturbating

Phone rings and maid picks up the phone as her master is bathing.....

When the caller asked what's he doing, the maid Replied: 'MASTURBATING. ' (master bathing)

Something Wrong

A Chinese couple got married.

When baby was born, her eyes were big and blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown.

Finally, name of the baby was SAM TING LONG ('some thing wrong')

3 meals

A lady visited her doctor one morning.

Doc said: 'You look so weak and exhausted! Are you eating your meals 3 times a day as I advised?

Lady : 'Doc, I thought you said 3 males a day!'

Newspaper

Wife: 'I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!'

Husband: 'I wish you're a newspaper TOO, my dear so I can have a NEW ONE every morning!

A Camel and An Elephant

A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked:

'Why do you have your tits on your back?'

The camel responded:

'What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face!

Durex & Kotex

Durex says to Kotex,

'When you work, I lose seven days of business'

Kotex replies,

'If you fail to work once, my business stops for nine months"

Good High IQ Joke - Jaga Singh

This story tell us not to be 'too kind' to our bosses...... . Here it goes:

There's this Jaga Singh who was working for a multi-millionare as a house guard. One day, while the millionaire was driving out to catch an early morning flight to conclude a business deal, Jaga Singh ran out from the guard house and stopped the millionaire' s car just right in front of the gate.
He said 'Sir...Sir.. are you going to board a plane?'
'Yes, why?' asked the millionaire.
'You had better cancel the trip. You see, last night I dreamt about the plane going to crash.'
Curious over the early morning fright that Jaga Singh had given, the multimillionaire decided to cancel his trip. 'You better be damn right for this is a million dollar deal.'
The following day, there were news reports that the plane which the millionaire was supposed to take had indeed crash landed. 'Thank God, I cancelled the trip,.' the rich man said Realising that what Jaga Singh had said had come true, he called the Singh to see him.
When the guard was called that morning, the millionaire gave him his salary and FIRED him.
WHY ?

Think first....

Use your brains

Use your brains!!!!!


Still no idea??


Come on...... it is very easy....


Still drawing a blank????


Just imagine you are the Singh and you have saved your boss's life........


OK-lah, since you do not want to 'use your brains' like Jaga Singh before you talk to your boss........ ..

Just scroll down for the answer...


ANSWER :

Jaga Singh was supposed to guard! the house at night. NOT to Sleep and Dream all night! So, GO BACK TO WORK!! and Don't try to save your boss's life!! It's not worth it!!! Always save your own ass first!!!

( No need to work today, it's weekend.... hahahahaha.. . enjoy your day)

Pinocchio and Sandpaper

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.
"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"
"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.
"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your "Girlfriend? "
Said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"

His and Hers Poems

WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I Iay me down to sleep
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast,
nymphomaniac with big tits
who owns a bar on a golf course and loves
to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

The Wanker

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

The Lord Grants One Wish

A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said. 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel t would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy'.

The Lord replied;

'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Deaf sex

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

She writes: 'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times..'

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time.

If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

An Arab And A Jew

An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the Doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally.
So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving His blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation. Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again.
His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his Blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank You Card and a box of Almond Roca sweets.
The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not Acknowledge the Jew's kind gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner.
The Arab replied: "Ya Habibi !!, (Dear Friend) you have to remember, I have Jewish blood now!"

The Parrot

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to stuff into his sack, he heard a strange disembodied voice come through the darkness:
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin! He shut off his flashlight and waited... When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and resumed searching for more valuables. Just as he disconnected the stereo, he heard again, clear as a bell:
"Jesus is watching you."
Completely freaked, he shone his light around looking for the source of the voice. In a corner of the room the beam came to rest upon an African parrot.
"Did you say that?!" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the bird replied. "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar visibly relaxed. "Warn me, huh?! Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the parrot.
The burglar laughed, "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
"Probably," the bird answered, "the same kind of people who would name a rottweiler Jesus."

Martini

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Post Office

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
 I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... you don't even know the way to the Post Office."

Do it again

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.

The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."

Pig: The Most Dangerous Animal

A bear, a lion and a pig meet:
Bear says, "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says, "If I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."
Pig says, "Big deal... I only have to cough, and the entire planet lives in fear."