25th Wedding Anniversary

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas.

When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 217."Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in,swinging her hips provocatively.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback. "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25..."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business.
Goodbye..."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

A woman's age

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a dru g store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30..'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.?

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says..

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with
meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce

Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won ' t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I ' m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were not in prison you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don ' t dig up that garden. That ' s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Now you can go ahead and plant the tomatoes. That ' s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

Penis Surgery

Women are always thinking, for themselves..

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown fifty centimetres.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

'How long will Ralph be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously.

'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor.

'Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

Italian Men

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.

" You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country... we don't speak aloud in pubic places about our sex lives....

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who'za talkin' about a SEX? I'm justa tellin' my a friend here how to spella 'Mississippi' ."

I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!!

A Western Lawyer and a Chinese

A Western lawyer and an Chinese are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The Western lawyer is thinking that all Chinese are so dumb that he could get over on them, easy.

So the lawyer asks if the Chinese would like to play a fun game. The Chinese is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.
This catches the Chinese's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?'
The Chinese doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the
lawyer.?
Now, it's the Chinese's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails
to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Chinese and hands him $500. The Chinese pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Chinese up and asks,
'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?

The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.?

Lawyer

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine

When he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate
He asked one man ' Why are you eating grass?
' We don ' t have any money for food, ' the poor man replied.' We have to eat grass. '
' Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you', the lawyer said.
' But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree '
' Bring them along, ' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, ' You come with us also.
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!' ' Bring them all, as well, '
the lawyer answered They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was..
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, ' Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, ' Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 metre high! '