The Best Tips for Making Good Conversation with A StrangerS

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered,  somewhat embarrassedly, "Doin Just Fine!"

And the other guy says, "So what are you up too?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say, "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when  I hear another question.

"Can I come over to your place after a while?"

Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be  polite and end the conversation.

I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

How Can You Have Sex With Your Girlfriend for The First Time

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
* * * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
* * * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
* * * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
* * * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
* * * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
* * * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
* * * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
* * * * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

The Top Reasons You Should Never Adopt or Buy a Cat

The truth about cats & dogs..

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY:

Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY:

DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild  satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while  they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again  induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make  them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their  hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I  was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was  chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning  foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid.
My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in  solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell  the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard  that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what  this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog  is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously  a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks  with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his  current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

How To Kill Your Birthday Party

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him.
After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up;  he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home.
He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects.
So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek.
At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on.
Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go.

It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on.
This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air.
But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later,
the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not,
so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

How to Behave in The Bars and Pubs

Sit back order up a drink and read these.... Cheers!

1.If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If your are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45. It's okay to drink alone.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”
67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”
78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. You will forget everyone of of these rules by your fifth drink.

and by your 10th drink you will see 172 rules

How To Masturabate for Dummies

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating.

"My son, you shouldn't be doing that", said the priest.
"You should be saving that for when you get married.

" The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.
"Yes, my son?" said the priest.
"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man.
"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest.

"Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum full of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am
getting married what am I supposed to do with it?"

The Secret Excuses To Tell To Your Wife When You Sleep With Another Woman

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for  the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down  the steps, and out to the beach.

As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling  alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking  to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would just come down and talk to
me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right  next to him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place.
They ended up spending the night together.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!!
My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her,  then back at the snails and said -

"Come on guys, we're almost there..."