Ada warung makan kecil dipinggir jalan cukup ramai yg mau makan,minum ala kadarnya.
Seorang Pendeta gereja dekat situ merasa heran, karena selalu ada saja yg mendatangi rumah makan yang sangat kecil tersebut, dan berusaha menguak apa sih rahasianya.
Saking penasarannya pendeta tersebut mendatangi rumah makan kecil tersebut seorang diri.
Saat akan memasuki rumah makan terseubt, sang pendeta membaca tulisan besar-besar di rumah makan tersebut. Disitu terpampang, Silahkan mampir,selamat makan & menikmatinya dan diakhiri dengan huruf2 besar
G B U .
Pendetanya pun bergumam:
"Oh mungkin saya tahu rahasia kenapa selalu ada saja yg datang kesitu, sebab yg empunyanya selalu menyalami pelanggannya dan berkata GBU."
Si Pendeta pun segera mendatangi si empunya untuk mencari tahu kebenarannya.
Dan setelah berhasil menemui pemilik rumah makan tersebut, sang pendeta langsung menanyakan kenapa ada huruf GBU di papan pengumuman yang ada di depan rumah makan.
Yg empunya tertawa cekikian sambil menjelaskan, artinya GBU tersebut......
GAK BOLEH UTANG .
Showing posts with label christian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label christian. Show all posts
Rahasia Terlarang Misteri Pembunuh Yesus Kristus !!
Jono mencoba untuk melamar menjadi anggota kepolisian. Oleh karena itu ia harus menjalani suatu test di hadapan seorang perwira. Karena sadar bahwa pemuda ini tidak terlalu cerdas, maka sang perwira hanya menanyakan sebuah pertanyaan yang sederhana.
"Jono," kata si perwira, "Tahukah kau siapa yang membunuh Yesus Kristus?"
Jono berfikir keras, tetapi tidak satu katapun dia ucapkan.
"OK," kata si perwira. "Kamu tak perlu cemas. Pulanglah ke rumah dan coba pikirkan lagi jawabannya. Besok kau kutunggu di sini."
"Bagaimana, Jon?" tanya ibunya pada saat makan malam, "Apakah kau diterima?"
"bukan hanya diterima, bu," katanya sambil tersenyum lebar, "Bahkan saya sudah ditugasi untuk memecahkan sebuah kasus pembunuhan."
"Jono," kata si perwira, "Tahukah kau siapa yang membunuh Yesus Kristus?"
Jono berfikir keras, tetapi tidak satu katapun dia ucapkan.
"OK," kata si perwira. "Kamu tak perlu cemas. Pulanglah ke rumah dan coba pikirkan lagi jawabannya. Besok kau kutunggu di sini."
"Bagaimana, Jon?" tanya ibunya pada saat makan malam, "Apakah kau diterima?"
"bukan hanya diterima, bu," katanya sambil tersenyum lebar, "Bahkan saya sudah ditugasi untuk memecahkan sebuah kasus pembunuhan."
Rahasia Terlarang Seks Seorang Pendeta dengan Jemaat
Di tangga gereja, mata Pak Pendeta bertatapan mata dengan seorang gadis cantik jelita, yang datang ke gereja itu untuk suatu urusan. Sudah beberapa kali mereka saling bertatapan, dan tanpa mereka sadari, di hati mereka masing-masing telah tumbuh suatu perasaan tertentu. Karena itu, ketika pada siang itu Pak Pendeta mengusulkan sesuatu pada gadis tersebut, ia sama sekali tidak terkejut dan menolak.
"Tapi di mana?" tanyanya.
"Di sini saja, di lantai," usul Pak Pendeta.
"Lantai itu terlalu dingin," kata gadis itu.
"Bagaimana kalau di bangku?"
"Terlalu sempit," kata gadis itu. "Tapi bagaimana kalau kita berdiri saja?"
"Oh, jangan," kata Pak Pendeta. "Jika seseorang kebetulan masuk, tentu mereka akan menyangka saya sedang berdansa dengan anda."
"Tapi di mana?" tanyanya.
"Di sini saja, di lantai," usul Pak Pendeta.
"Lantai itu terlalu dingin," kata gadis itu.
"Bagaimana kalau di bangku?"
"Terlalu sempit," kata gadis itu. "Tapi bagaimana kalau kita berdiri saja?"
"Oh, jangan," kata Pak Pendeta. "Jika seseorang kebetulan masuk, tentu mereka akan menyangka saya sedang berdansa dengan anda."
The World's Sacred Secret How To Find Jesus Christ !!!
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season's emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said,
"Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said,
"Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
Rahasia Terlarang Tips Pasti Untuk Pria Aman dan Nyaman Selingkuh
Suatu ketika di pagi yang cerah Adam dan Hawa terlihat bertengkar mempersoalkan suatu hal yang tampaknya tidak mungkin di jaman tersebut……
Hawa: “Hei Adam,kemana saja kamu tadi malam ?
Adam: “O,aku cuma main ke kampung sebelah kok ?
Hawa: “Kamu ngibul ya, lha wong di dunia ini cuma ada kita kok! Atau kamu selingkuh sama malaikat cewek ? ya,kan?
Adam: “Eh..h,ya deh aku memang selingkuh sama malaikat cewek tadi malam.”
Hawa: “Apa,jadi kamu selingkuh? Pokoknya aku minta cerai hari ini juga! Dasar buaya!”
Adam: “Silahkan saja,khan tulang rusukku masih ada beberapa buah!”
Hawa: “Hah….hhhhh.(hampir pingsan)
Malaikat:”Gile bener nih orang.”(sambil geleng-geleng kepala)
Hawa: “Hei Adam,kemana saja kamu tadi malam ?
Adam: “O,aku cuma main ke kampung sebelah kok ?
Hawa: “Kamu ngibul ya, lha wong di dunia ini cuma ada kita kok! Atau kamu selingkuh sama malaikat cewek ? ya,kan?
Adam: “Eh..h,ya deh aku memang selingkuh sama malaikat cewek tadi malam.”
Hawa: “Apa,jadi kamu selingkuh? Pokoknya aku minta cerai hari ini juga! Dasar buaya!”
Adam: “Silahkan saja,khan tulang rusukku masih ada beberapa buah!”
Hawa: “Hah….hhhhh.(hampir pingsan)
Malaikat:”Gile bener nih orang.”(sambil geleng-geleng kepala)
Rahasia Terlarang Cara Pasti Masuk Surga
Suatu ketika, penghuni neraka mulai bosan tinggal di neraka (kepanasan mungkin gak ada AC). Karena tiap detik disiksa terus. Begitu juga dengan penghuni surga, mulai bosan karena tiap detik hidupnya enak terus.
akhirnya perwakilan dari kedua belah pihak saling bertemu.
Penghuni neraka: Sur…gmn klo kita gantian?aku beserta teman-temanku
gantian tinggal di surga.
Penghuni Surga: Wah kebetulan Ner…q beserta teman-temanku juga bosan
tinggal di surga.
Penghuni neraka: deal?
Penghuni surga: deal
Hasil perjanjian tersebut, mengharuskan penghuni neraka dan surga untuk masing-masing membangun setengah bagian dari jembatan. Jembatan tersebut digunakan untuk menyeberang dari surga ke neraka dan dari neraka ke surga.
setelah tiga bulan, setengah bagian jembatan di sisi neraka dah rampung. tp di sisi surga,malah belum jadi sama sekali. penghuni neraka pun protes karena mereka ingin segera mencicipi surga. terjadi perdebatan sengit diantara penghuni surga dan neraka yang tidak ada penyelesaiannya.
Akhirnya malaikat pun turun tangan.
Malaikat: hoi ada apa ini ribut-ribut?
penghuni neraka: penghuni surga telah mengingkari janjinya,setengah
jembatan di sisi surga blm jg jadi
Malaikat pun bertanya ke penghuni surga. Lalu penghuni surga pun menjawab. Setelah itu malaikat pun berbicara kepada penghuni neraka.
Malaikat: bagaimana bisa jembatan di sisi surga bisa rampung, la ternyata penghuni surga hanya bisa teori aja.semasa hidup mereka cuma bisa mengajar, melatih dan ceramah. Sedangkan penghuni neraka semasa hidup bisa membangun jembatan, menyusun undang-undang, membela orang salah, korupsi, dll
Penghuni neraka pun tertunduk malu hihihihi
akhirnya perwakilan dari kedua belah pihak saling bertemu.
Penghuni neraka: Sur…gmn klo kita gantian?aku beserta teman-temanku
gantian tinggal di surga.
Penghuni Surga: Wah kebetulan Ner…q beserta teman-temanku juga bosan
tinggal di surga.
Penghuni neraka: deal?
Penghuni surga: deal
Hasil perjanjian tersebut, mengharuskan penghuni neraka dan surga untuk masing-masing membangun setengah bagian dari jembatan. Jembatan tersebut digunakan untuk menyeberang dari surga ke neraka dan dari neraka ke surga.
setelah tiga bulan, setengah bagian jembatan di sisi neraka dah rampung. tp di sisi surga,malah belum jadi sama sekali. penghuni neraka pun protes karena mereka ingin segera mencicipi surga. terjadi perdebatan sengit diantara penghuni surga dan neraka yang tidak ada penyelesaiannya.
Akhirnya malaikat pun turun tangan.
Malaikat: hoi ada apa ini ribut-ribut?
penghuni neraka: penghuni surga telah mengingkari janjinya,setengah
jembatan di sisi surga blm jg jadi
Malaikat pun bertanya ke penghuni surga. Lalu penghuni surga pun menjawab. Setelah itu malaikat pun berbicara kepada penghuni neraka.
Malaikat: bagaimana bisa jembatan di sisi surga bisa rampung, la ternyata penghuni surga hanya bisa teori aja.semasa hidup mereka cuma bisa mengajar, melatih dan ceramah. Sedangkan penghuni neraka semasa hidup bisa membangun jembatan, menyusun undang-undang, membela orang salah, korupsi, dll
Penghuni neraka pun tertunduk malu hihihihi
Rahasia Terlarang Masa Depan Tentang Agama Yahudi, Kristen dan Islam
Di Yerussalem, ada seorang jurnalis wanita CNN yang mendengar rumor bahwa ada seorang tua renta yang sering sekali berkunjung ke Tembok Ratapan untuk berdoa, 2x sehari, setiap hari, bertahun-tahun lamanya, sampai sekarang pun masih begitu. Maka si jurnalis itu pun menuju Tembok Ratapan dan menemukan pria itu sedang berdoa.
Dia menyaksikan orang tua itu berdoa dan menunggu hampir selama 45 menit. Ketika orang tua itu akan pergi, bergegas jurnalis itu menghampirinya untuk interview.
“Saya Rebecca dari CNN, sudah berapa lama Anda mengunjungi Tembok Ratapan ini dan berdoa?”
“sudah 60 tahun”, jawab si orang tua.
“Waw…itu bukan waktu yang singkat. Sebetulnya apa doa Anda selama disana?”
“Aku berdoa untuk kedamaian Yahudi, Kristiani dan Muslim. Berdoa agar hilang kebencian sesama mereka sehingga anak-anak kami bisa tumbuh dengan aman dan bersahabat”
“Lalu, bagaimana perasaan Anda selama 60 tahun ini?”
“Oh, aku seperti orang gila yang berbicara kepada tembok!”
Dia menyaksikan orang tua itu berdoa dan menunggu hampir selama 45 menit. Ketika orang tua itu akan pergi, bergegas jurnalis itu menghampirinya untuk interview.
“Saya Rebecca dari CNN, sudah berapa lama Anda mengunjungi Tembok Ratapan ini dan berdoa?”
“sudah 60 tahun”, jawab si orang tua.
“Waw…itu bukan waktu yang singkat. Sebetulnya apa doa Anda selama disana?”
“Aku berdoa untuk kedamaian Yahudi, Kristiani dan Muslim. Berdoa agar hilang kebencian sesama mereka sehingga anak-anak kami bisa tumbuh dengan aman dan bersahabat”
“Lalu, bagaimana perasaan Anda selama 60 tahun ini?”
“Oh, aku seperti orang gila yang berbicara kepada tembok!”
Rahasia Tersembunyi Mendapatkan Jodoh Malam Ini Juga
Di suatu kota ada seorang pria yg sudah ngejomblo selama 5 tahun karena hal tersebut dia pun pergi ke gereja untuk berdoa supaya mendapatkan jodoh yang dia dambakan, kebetulan dia bertemu dengan seorang pendeta yang diundang special dan berkhotbah tentang mencari pasangan hidup yang berbasis kristen sehabis gereja pemuda tersebut cepat” menghampiri si pendeta dan meminta agar di doain dalam jodohnya.
P : pendeta
S : pemuda
G : gembala di tmpat tersebut
S: pak pendeta tolong donk doain saya.(dengan nada yg tegas)
P : ada apa?
S : begini pak saya sudah menjomblo selama 5 TAHUN!!!!!
P : mendengar ucapanya pendeta pun ingin ketawa tpi krna tak maw mengecewakan jemaatnya pendeta pun berdoa
setelah habis berdoa datanglah sang gembala.
G: ada apa ini saya kira bapak pendeta sudah pulang
P : blum pak, saya masih mndoakan jemaat tntang jodohnya
lalu gmbala bertanya pada si pemuda
G : pak apakah anda sudah melakukan 3b?
S : apa itu pak gmbala?
G : b yg pertama adalah berdoa
S : sudah pak,saya slalu berdoa untuk mendapatkan jodoh saya
G : b yg kedua adalah berusaha
S : sudah pak saya mah tak pernah putus asa, datang ke gereja juga merupakan usaha saya
G : (smbil tersnyum) kalo gitu b yg ketiga yaitu BERCERMIN
P : pendeta
S : pemuda
G : gembala di tmpat tersebut
S: pak pendeta tolong donk doain saya.(dengan nada yg tegas)
P : ada apa?
S : begini pak saya sudah menjomblo selama 5 TAHUN!!!!!
P : mendengar ucapanya pendeta pun ingin ketawa tpi krna tak maw mengecewakan jemaatnya pendeta pun berdoa
setelah habis berdoa datanglah sang gembala.
G: ada apa ini saya kira bapak pendeta sudah pulang
P : blum pak, saya masih mndoakan jemaat tntang jodohnya
lalu gmbala bertanya pada si pemuda
G : pak apakah anda sudah melakukan 3b?
S : apa itu pak gmbala?
G : b yg pertama adalah berdoa
S : sudah pak,saya slalu berdoa untuk mendapatkan jodoh saya
G : b yg kedua adalah berusaha
S : sudah pak saya mah tak pernah putus asa, datang ke gereja juga merupakan usaha saya
G : (smbil tersnyum) kalo gitu b yg ketiga yaitu BERCERMIN
Rahasia Tersembunyi Agar Doa Pasti Dikabulkan
Suatu ketika saat kejadian adanya Razia Satpol PP
Sang banci ketakutan dan sembunyi berdoa: "Ya Tuhan, titus ampe akikah metong takaran nyebur ke kali kayak kawasaki akikah disandro. Mending akikah metong di mekong uler,amin..."
(Artinya: Ya Tuhan, jangan sampai eke mati ketakutan nyebur ke kali kayak temen eke yang klelep waktu itu. Lebih baik eke mati di mulut uler, amin...)
Begitu dia melek, tiba-tiba ada ular mendesis di atas kepalanya, langsung si banci berkata:
"Ih, Tuhan ngerumpi deh, gitu aja dimasukin dalam hati..."
Sang banci ketakutan dan sembunyi berdoa: "Ya Tuhan, titus ampe akikah metong takaran nyebur ke kali kayak kawasaki akikah disandro. Mending akikah metong di mekong uler,amin..."
(Artinya: Ya Tuhan, jangan sampai eke mati ketakutan nyebur ke kali kayak temen eke yang klelep waktu itu. Lebih baik eke mati di mulut uler, amin...)
Begitu dia melek, tiba-tiba ada ular mendesis di atas kepalanya, langsung si banci berkata:
"Ih, Tuhan ngerumpi deh, gitu aja dimasukin dalam hati..."
The World's Biggest Secrets How to Make Successful, Effective and Powerful Prayer
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a stone wall."
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a stone wall."
Ten Commandments for College Students
Student was searching for divine inspiration.
Student walked high on the mountain of knowledge and came across God.
Student asked God how to live life as a college kid should.
And God said unto him, follow these Ten Commandments and you shall be all a college kid is.
And Student thanked God and it was good. And Student spread the Ten Commandments of College to all.
I- Thou Shalt Nap
And God gave unto Student a great gift, the gift of napping.
God said to him, You shall spend half your day napping. You shall nap in class, in your room and in your friend’s room.
And God said, if you don’t nap, you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student said, Nap I shall, and it was good.
II- Thou Shalt Get Sick All the Time
Now God said to Student, you must be sick all of the time.
And student said why. And God said unto him, you shall share drinks, stay up too late, drink too much and make out with people you don’t know. Therefore, God said, you shall be sick all year round. But God said, blessed are the sick for they have partied the hardest. And it was good.
III- Thou Shalt Write Witty Away Messages
Student asked, but God, how will I show everyone that I am funny? And God said unto him, thou shall write witty away messages. God said to student, you shall never just say you are in the shower, you shall say you are getting wet and wild…in the shower. You shall never say you are at class, you shall say you are sleeping…in class. God said, if you do not write witty away messages, I shall smite you.
Blessed are the funny, for they will get many girls to be their friends but never hook up with them. And it was
good.
IV- Thou Shalt Wear a Hoodie
And then Student asked God, God how do I look like a college kid. And God said unto student, you must wear a hoodie, for it is a useful garment. And you shall never wash it either.
Student asked God what kind of Hoodie should it be and God said, you shall own one with your school’s logo on it and you shall own many others of varying colors and creeds. And Student was pleased and God was pleased.
V- Thou Shalt Shit a Lot
And Student asked of his bathroom habit and God told him, Student, you shall eat in the Cafeteria and you shall shit a lot. And it will not be good shit, it will be the shit of the devil for your ass shall burn for hours. Your school shall put laxatives in their food and you shall feel their pain.
And Student began to weep, and God said unto him, Student, fear not the shit, for all your fellow students will be experiencing the same. And Student dried his eyes and thanked God and God told him to use wet naps to ease the pain.
VI- Thou Shalt Eat EasyMac
Student asked unto God if there was any alternatives to the cafeteria, and God said to him, you shall eat a lot of EasyMac.
It is easy to make and you don’t need milk or a stove. And student said microwaves were forbidden by the RA. And God said to him, you shall hide the microwave under your bed with a towel on top. And Student asked, what if it is discovered. And God told him to stop being such a pussy, and it was good.
VII- Thou Shalt Hook Up
Student then asked of sex. And God said, Student, you shall hook up and be happy. You shall go home with random people every weekend and forget about them the next day. You shall see them at class and be awkward amongst their company. You shall exchange saliva at bars and parties and it will be good.
And Student became gleeful and God told Student to wrap it up because He knows where she has been, but Student does not.
VIII- Thou Shalt Join a Club and Never Go to Meetings Student inquired of his spare time and God reminded him that he should be napping. But Student said he wanted to do other things.
So God said unto him, you shall join a club at the beginning of the semester, but then never go to meetings. And Student asked why he should not go to meetings, and God told him, because the glee club is gay. And Student understood His wisdom.
IX- Thou Shalt Wake Up Confused
God said to Student, there will come many a day when you shall wake up in the bed of another and not know where you are.
You will not remember what you did last night and you shall be confused. You will see that you have nipple rings and a tattoo now and are covered in Sharpie. And Student was disturbed by this, but God said, you shall tell great stories about it to your friends someday. And Student understood and God took a sip of a beer.
And God gave Student the final Commandment
X- Thou Shalt Gain Weight
And Student wished to hear the final commandment and God said he would not like it. But Student insisted, so God said unto him, you shall gain weight. However, God said, you will not buy new clothes, so you will wear sweat pants a lot. God said, Student, you will watch a lot of TV and become fat to which Student wept profusely. But God comforted Student saying, you will still get ass even if you cannot tie your shoes anymore. Student felt better and God pointed to Student’s chest saying, those will soon be bitch tits. And it was good.
This is the word of God, follow the Ten Commandments of College or you will be smote!
Student walked high on the mountain of knowledge and came across God.
Student asked God how to live life as a college kid should.
And God said unto him, follow these Ten Commandments and you shall be all a college kid is.
And Student thanked God and it was good. And Student spread the Ten Commandments of College to all.
I- Thou Shalt Nap
And God gave unto Student a great gift, the gift of napping.
God said to him, You shall spend half your day napping. You shall nap in class, in your room and in your friend’s room.
And God said, if you don’t nap, you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student said, Nap I shall, and it was good.
II- Thou Shalt Get Sick All the Time
Now God said to Student, you must be sick all of the time.
And student said why. And God said unto him, you shall share drinks, stay up too late, drink too much and make out with people you don’t know. Therefore, God said, you shall be sick all year round. But God said, blessed are the sick for they have partied the hardest. And it was good.
III- Thou Shalt Write Witty Away Messages
Student asked, but God, how will I show everyone that I am funny? And God said unto him, thou shall write witty away messages. God said to student, you shall never just say you are in the shower, you shall say you are getting wet and wild…in the shower. You shall never say you are at class, you shall say you are sleeping…in class. God said, if you do not write witty away messages, I shall smite you.
Blessed are the funny, for they will get many girls to be their friends but never hook up with them. And it was
good.
IV- Thou Shalt Wear a Hoodie
And then Student asked God, God how do I look like a college kid. And God said unto student, you must wear a hoodie, for it is a useful garment. And you shall never wash it either.
Student asked God what kind of Hoodie should it be and God said, you shall own one with your school’s logo on it and you shall own many others of varying colors and creeds. And Student was pleased and God was pleased.
V- Thou Shalt Shit a Lot
And Student asked of his bathroom habit and God told him, Student, you shall eat in the Cafeteria and you shall shit a lot. And it will not be good shit, it will be the shit of the devil for your ass shall burn for hours. Your school shall put laxatives in their food and you shall feel their pain.
And Student began to weep, and God said unto him, Student, fear not the shit, for all your fellow students will be experiencing the same. And Student dried his eyes and thanked God and God told him to use wet naps to ease the pain.
VI- Thou Shalt Eat EasyMac
Student asked unto God if there was any alternatives to the cafeteria, and God said to him, you shall eat a lot of EasyMac.
It is easy to make and you don’t need milk or a stove. And student said microwaves were forbidden by the RA. And God said to him, you shall hide the microwave under your bed with a towel on top. And Student asked, what if it is discovered. And God told him to stop being such a pussy, and it was good.
VII- Thou Shalt Hook Up
Student then asked of sex. And God said, Student, you shall hook up and be happy. You shall go home with random people every weekend and forget about them the next day. You shall see them at class and be awkward amongst their company. You shall exchange saliva at bars and parties and it will be good.
And Student became gleeful and God told Student to wrap it up because He knows where she has been, but Student does not.
VIII- Thou Shalt Join a Club and Never Go to Meetings Student inquired of his spare time and God reminded him that he should be napping. But Student said he wanted to do other things.
So God said unto him, you shall join a club at the beginning of the semester, but then never go to meetings. And Student asked why he should not go to meetings, and God told him, because the glee club is gay. And Student understood His wisdom.
IX- Thou Shalt Wake Up Confused
God said to Student, there will come many a day when you shall wake up in the bed of another and not know where you are.
You will not remember what you did last night and you shall be confused. You will see that you have nipple rings and a tattoo now and are covered in Sharpie. And Student was disturbed by this, but God said, you shall tell great stories about it to your friends someday. And Student understood and God took a sip of a beer.
And God gave Student the final Commandment
X- Thou Shalt Gain Weight
And Student wished to hear the final commandment and God said he would not like it. But Student insisted, so God said unto him, you shall gain weight. However, God said, you will not buy new clothes, so you will wear sweat pants a lot. God said, Student, you will watch a lot of TV and become fat to which Student wept profusely. But God comforted Student saying, you will still get ass even if you cannot tie your shoes anymore. Student felt better and God pointed to Student’s chest saying, those will soon be bitch tits. And it was good.
This is the word of God, follow the Ten Commandments of College or you will be smote!
The Proof That The End is Really Near
A priest and a pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads,
Quote:
The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big crash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says, 'BRIDGE OUT' instead?"
Quote:
The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big crash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says, 'BRIDGE OUT' instead?"
The Proof that Smoking and Drinking Makes You Healthier
A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon, so he took four worms and placed them into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol … Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke …Dead.
The third worm in chocolate syrup … Dead.
The fourth worm in good, clean soil … Alive!
So the Minister asked the congregation, “What did you learn from this demonstration?”
Little Johnny was sitting in the back and quickly raised his hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”
That pretty much ended the service!!
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol … Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke …Dead.
The third worm in chocolate syrup … Dead.
The fourth worm in good, clean soil … Alive!
So the Minister asked the congregation, “What did you learn from this demonstration?”
Little Johnny was sitting in the back and quickly raised his hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”
That pretty much ended the service!!
How To Hear Satanic Messages
Brotha David told me he overheard a couple of guys talking about scary things.
Guy #1: "You'll never believe this. If you play an AOL 7.0 CD *backwards* you can hear all kinds of evil and Satanic messages!"
Guy #2: "That's nothing. If you play it forwards, it installs AOL."
Guy #1: "You'll never believe this. If you play an AOL 7.0 CD *backwards* you can hear all kinds of evil and Satanic messages!"
Guy #2: "That's nothing. If you play it forwards, it installs AOL."
Why God Created Man and Woman
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created
Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created
Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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