A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99' ".
The guy obeys and says,"99".
The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
Again, the guy says, '99'."
The doctor said,"Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three".
100 Pukulan
Seorang Italia, seorang Argentinia dan seorang Jerman akhirnya menghadap Tuhan.
Tuhan: Untuk menebus dosa2 kalian selama hidup kalian akan mendapat 50 pukulan dengan tongkat. Tetapi untuk menunjukan Kasihku kalian masing masing boleh mengucapkan 1 pemintaan.
Pertama si Italia maju. Dia minta supaya diikat sebuah bantal dipunggungnya. Permintaannya diluluskan. Setelah pukulan ke-25 bantalnya hancur. Aduh... aduh ... ampun ..., teriaknya.
Giliran si Argentinia, dia minta supaya 2 bantal diikat pada punggungnya. Ini diluluskan dan dimulailah hukumannya. Tetapi si Argentina selamat tidak merasa sakit.
Sekarang giliran si Jerman.
Tuhan berkata: Karena kalian baru baru ini bermain bola dengan bagus kamu diberi 2 permintaan yang akan dikabulkan.
Jerman: Saya minta supaya diberikan 100 pukulan.
Tuhan: Saya tidak mengerti permohonan kamu, tetapi OK. Sekarang apa keinginan kamu kedua.
Jerman: ..... saya ingin supaya si Argentina diikat pada punggung saya ...
Tuhan: Untuk menebus dosa2 kalian selama hidup kalian akan mendapat 50 pukulan dengan tongkat. Tetapi untuk menunjukan Kasihku kalian masing masing boleh mengucapkan 1 pemintaan.
Pertama si Italia maju. Dia minta supaya diikat sebuah bantal dipunggungnya. Permintaannya diluluskan. Setelah pukulan ke-25 bantalnya hancur. Aduh... aduh ... ampun ..., teriaknya.
Giliran si Argentinia, dia minta supaya 2 bantal diikat pada punggungnya. Ini diluluskan dan dimulailah hukumannya. Tetapi si Argentina selamat tidak merasa sakit.
Sekarang giliran si Jerman.
Tuhan berkata: Karena kalian baru baru ini bermain bola dengan bagus kamu diberi 2 permintaan yang akan dikabulkan.
Jerman: Saya minta supaya diberikan 100 pukulan.
Tuhan: Saya tidak mengerti permohonan kamu, tetapi OK. Sekarang apa keinginan kamu kedua.
Jerman: ..... saya ingin supaya si Argentina diikat pada punggung saya ...
The Embarrassed Son
A wealthy Arab student sends an e-mail to his Dad saying....:
Dear Dad,
Toronto is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am bit embarrassed to arrive to my college in my Gold Mercedes, when all my teachers travel by train.
Your son Nasser
Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad :
Dear Loving son,
One Hundred and Thirty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.
Dear Dad,
Toronto is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am bit embarrassed to arrive to my college in my Gold Mercedes, when all my teachers travel by train.
Your son Nasser
Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad :
Dear Loving son,
One Hundred and Thirty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.
Anti Korupsi
Setelah proyek multimilyar dollar selesai, sang pegawai kedatangan tamu bule wakil dari HQ kantor pemenang tender. Udah 7 tahun di Jakarta jadi bisa ngomong bahasa Indonesia.
Bule: "Pak, ada hadiah dari kami untuk bapak. Saya parkir dibawah, mercy S 320."
pegawai : "Anda mau menyuap saya? ini apa-apaan? tender dah kelar kok. Jangan gitu ya, bahaya tau haree genee ngasih-ngasih hadiah."
Bule: "Tolonglah pak diterima. Kalau gak, saya dianggap gagal membina relasi oleh kantor pusat."
pegawai: "Ah, jangan gitu dong. Saya gak sudi!!"
Bule (mikir ): "Gini aja, pak. Gimana kalau bapak beli saja mobilnya..."
pegawai: "Mana saya ada uang beli mobil mahal gitu!!"
Bule menelpon kantor pusat.
Bule: "Saya ada solusi, Pak. Bapak beli mobilnya dg harga rp.10.000,- saja."
pegawai: "Bener ya? OK, saya mau. Jadi ini bukan suap. Pake kwitansi ya.."
Bule: "Tentu, Pak.."
Bule menyiapkan dan menyerahkan kwitansi. Dirjen membayar dengan uang 50 ribuan.
Mereka pun bersalaman.
Bule (sambil membuka dompet ): "Oh, maaf Pak. ini kembaliannya Rp.40.000,-. "
pegawai: "Gak usah pakai kembalian segala. Tolong kirim 4 mobil lagi ke rumah saya ya..."
Bule : @#$%^&**(
Bule: "Pak, ada hadiah dari kami untuk bapak. Saya parkir dibawah, mercy S 320."
pegawai : "Anda mau menyuap saya? ini apa-apaan? tender dah kelar kok. Jangan gitu ya, bahaya tau haree genee ngasih-ngasih hadiah."
Bule: "Tolonglah pak diterima. Kalau gak, saya dianggap gagal membina relasi oleh kantor pusat."
pegawai: "Ah, jangan gitu dong. Saya gak sudi!!"
Bule (mikir ): "Gini aja, pak. Gimana kalau bapak beli saja mobilnya..."
pegawai: "Mana saya ada uang beli mobil mahal gitu!!"
Bule menelpon kantor pusat.
Bule: "Saya ada solusi, Pak. Bapak beli mobilnya dg harga rp.10.000,- saja."
pegawai: "Bener ya? OK, saya mau. Jadi ini bukan suap. Pake kwitansi ya.."
Bule: "Tentu, Pak.."
Bule menyiapkan dan menyerahkan kwitansi. Dirjen membayar dengan uang 50 ribuan.
Mereka pun bersalaman.
Bule (sambil membuka dompet ): "Oh, maaf Pak. ini kembaliannya Rp.40.000,-. "
pegawai: "Gak usah pakai kembalian segala. Tolong kirim 4 mobil lagi ke rumah saya ya..."
Bule : @#$%^&**(
Never Tell The Wife She Has A Big Butt!
A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon, the wife was working in the garden while the husband was grilling hamburgers out on the lawn. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said...
'Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill.'
Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt.
'Yep,' he said,' just what I thought, just about the same size.'
The wife became outraged and left him outside alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said,
'How about it, honey? How about a little ooche coochee?'
The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
'What's the matter?' he asked. She replied...
'You don't think I'm going to fire up this big grill just for one little old weenie, do you?'
'Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill.'
Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt.
'Yep,' he said,' just what I thought, just about the same size.'
The wife became outraged and left him outside alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said,
'How about it, honey? How about a little ooche coochee?'
The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
'What's the matter?' he asked. She replied...
'You don't think I'm going to fire up this big grill just for one little old weenie, do you?'
Dark In Here
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the
cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '£750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a £1,000....'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'...
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the
cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '£750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a £1,000....'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'...
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!
How Fights Started
My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,
"Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive...
so, I took her to a petrol station.
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,
"Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive...
so, I took her to a petrol station.
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
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