A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'
And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,
' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out 100 Euro bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.
The World's Most Romantic Way to Ask Will You Marry Me
WOW! Class Reunion ....PRICELESS!
I know the feeling............do you?
60th HighSchool Reunion He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.
The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,
"Yes,..... yes I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.
Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.
As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”
"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”
I know the feeling............do you?
60th HighSchool Reunion He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.
The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,
"Yes,..... yes I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.
Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.
As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”
"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”
The Secrets How To Be A Real Men
Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY.
Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... newborn babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.
Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Computers
Hard to figure out, and never have enough memory.
Men are like.....Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Noodles.
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Men are like.....Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like.....Place mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
Men are like ... vacuum cleaners
They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
Men are like ... Road Kill
They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
Men are like ... Soap Operas
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
Men are like ... Old Car Tires
Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
Men are like ... Plastic Wrap
Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see through.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY.
Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... newborn babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.
Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Computers
Hard to figure out, and never have enough memory.
Men are like.....Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Noodles.
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Men are like.....Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like.....Place mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
Men are like ... vacuum cleaners
They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
Men are like ... Road Kill
They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
Men are like ... Soap Operas
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
Men are like ... Old Car Tires
Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
Men are like ... Plastic Wrap
Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see through.
How Experts Ask for a Raise
The German maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife became very angry about this and decided to talk to her about the this raise.
She asked, “Now Inge, why do you think you should get a pay increase?"
maid joke
”Inge: “Well, Madam, there are tree reasons why I wunt the increaze. The 1st is that I do iron better than you."
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Inge: “Your husband he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Inge: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “that's a lie, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Inge: “Your hozban he did.”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Inge: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Inge: “No Madam… The gardener did.”
.....
Wife: "So, how much do you want?”
The wife became very angry about this and decided to talk to her about the this raise.
She asked, “Now Inge, why do you think you should get a pay increase?"
maid joke
”Inge: “Well, Madam, there are tree reasons why I wunt the increaze. The 1st is that I do iron better than you."
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Inge: “Your husband he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Inge: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “that's a lie, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Inge: “Your hozban he did.”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Inge: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Inge: “No Madam… The gardener did.”
.....
Wife: "So, how much do you want?”
How To Know If The Baby That Isn't Yours
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.
After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said ,
'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.
The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running..'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.
The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery,
she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said,
'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'
The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'
After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said ,
'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.
The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running..'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.
The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery,
she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said,
'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'
The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'
The Success Secret How To Start A Drugstore
A Harley bike rider walked into a chemist shop in Brisbane, and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help him. The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and what ever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The biker then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ......permanent erection.
It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is:
1/3 ownership in the shop ....
A company car...
Five home cooked dinners a week ..
And $ 3,000 a month in living expenses."
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help him. The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and what ever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The biker then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ......permanent erection.
It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is:
1/3 ownership in the shop ....
A company car...
Five home cooked dinners a week ..
And $ 3,000 a month in living expenses."
The Greatest Secrets How To Make A Woman Happy
How to Keep a Woman Happy ???
Wow ... It's "Priceless"!!!
It's not difficult to make a "Woman Happy"... A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little 4 yourself !!!
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself !!!
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes !!!
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. NEVER to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
etc... God !!!
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY ???
1. Leave him alone ...
Wow ... It's "Priceless"!!!
It's not difficult to make a "Woman Happy"... A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little 4 yourself !!!
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself !!!
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes !!!
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. NEVER to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
etc... God !!!
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY ???
1. Leave him alone ...
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