Late Night Phone Call To The Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
The Secrets How To Give Sex Education in Class Room
Give the boy a PhD
A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked,"Boy what is your problem?"
Boy answered,"I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the Principal's office. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test:
Principal: "What is 3x3?"
Boy: "9"
Principal: "What is 6x6?"
Boy: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think the boy can go to the third-grade."
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my ownquestions. Can I ask him?" The principal and Boy both agree.
Ms Neelam asks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy, after a moment: "Legs"!
Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets"!
Ms Neelam: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Boy: Coconut
Ms Neelam: " What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy quickly answered..
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Neelam: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
The Principal's eyes again open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Boy: "Yep"
Ms Neelam: "You stick Your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.. I get wet before you do."
Boy: "Tent"
Ms Neelam: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy: "Wedding Ring"
Ms Neelam: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Boy: "Nose"
Ms Neelam: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Boy: "Arrow"
Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?"
Boy: "Firetruck"
Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand"
Boy: "Fork"
Ms Neelam: "What is it that all men have. It's longer for some men than on others. The nuns dont need it. The pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?"
Boy: "SURNAME"
Ms Neelam: "What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?"
Boy: "HEART"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher:
"Send this Boy to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
ONLY FILTHY AND IDLE MIND THINKS DIRTY and FAIL
A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked,"Boy what is your problem?"
Boy answered,"I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the Principal's office. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test:
Principal: "What is 3x3?"
Boy: "9"
Principal: "What is 6x6?"
Boy: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think the boy can go to the third-grade."
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my ownquestions. Can I ask him?" The principal and Boy both agree.
Ms Neelam asks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy, after a moment: "Legs"!
Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets"!
Ms Neelam: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Boy: Coconut
Ms Neelam: " What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy quickly answered..
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Neelam: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
The Principal's eyes again open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Boy: "Yep"
Ms Neelam: "You stick Your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.. I get wet before you do."
Boy: "Tent"
Ms Neelam: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy: "Wedding Ring"
Ms Neelam: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Boy: "Nose"
Ms Neelam: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Boy: "Arrow"
Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?"
Boy: "Firetruck"
Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand"
Boy: "Fork"
Ms Neelam: "What is it that all men have. It's longer for some men than on others. The nuns dont need it. The pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?"
Boy: "SURNAME"
Ms Neelam: "What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?"
Boy: "HEART"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher:
"Send this Boy to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
ONLY FILTHY AND IDLE MIND THINKS DIRTY and FAIL
The Most Wanted Secret to Cure Your Temper !
A CURE FOR YOUR HUSBAND'S TEMPER
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that.
When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.
I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says:
"The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that.
When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.
I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says:
"The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
How To Have Sex With College Girls
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
Prostitution in The Catholic Church
Sisters of St. Francis
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought...
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.... .'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought...
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.... .'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
The Biggest Catholic Church Secret Revealed
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
How To Sex Without Getting Sins
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
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