How To Knitting while Driving

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

Never Let Blonde Drive BMW

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

How To Kill Your Husband

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, he said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

Retired as a Scientist

As  we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors"  who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
Harold Schlumberg is such a  person:

THIS  IS QUOTED FROM  HAROLD: "I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'

Well..., I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy  it."
Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

Viagra for Female Dentist

The female dentist prepares the needle to give the bloke with the toothache an anaesthetic injection.
“No way! No needles, I hate needles!” the guy said.
So the dentist starts to hook up her nitrous oxide gas and the man objects again. “I can't do the gas thing either.
The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!”
She then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill.
“No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.”
When she returns she says, “Here's a Viagra and a glass of water.”
The guy says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
“It doesn't” she said, "But it’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out."

Niggers on Plane

A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly.
The pilot speaks over the intercom ... "I'm sorry it has come to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne".
Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's speed continues to decrease.
Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, "I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'".
"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?" There was no answer so the pilot calls, "Black people, are there any black people on board?"
Again silence.
"C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?
Still there is silence.
A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother and said, "Mum, ain't we African?  Ain't we black?  Ain't we coloured?"
She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers. Let them do the Muslims first. If that don’t work we is Zulus".

Fuck Off

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.

An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Lions Bay School , God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Geelong Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away; so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and that I should understand that she wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f*ck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.
Sincerely,
Edna