I always love the joke involve children.... their replies always make more sense......
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
Show Your Badge
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running
for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough
get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
(I just love this part....)
"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running
for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough
get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
(I just love this part....)
"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"
Met Kenal Yach
Sebuah sperma yang baru lahir sedang diajar oleh instrukturnya :
"Begitu kamu disemprot keluar, berenang sekencangnya sampai ke ujung gua dan kamu akan ketemu bulatan merah bernama telur.
Deketin dia dan bilang : "Saya sperma."
Dan dia akan bilang : "Saya telur."
Dari situ kamu akan mulai bikin calon anak. Mengerti?".
Si sperma mengangguk dengan mantapnya.
Dua hari kemudian waktu lagi asik molor tiba-tiba dia disemprot keluar.
Langsung aja dia berenang sekencangnya dan teman-temannya ketinggalan dibelakang.
Akhirnya dia duluan sampai di bulatan merah dan dia memperkenalkan dirinya :
"Hi, saya sperma."
Si bulatan merah jawab : "Hi juga, saya amandel... met kenal yach.."
"Begitu kamu disemprot keluar, berenang sekencangnya sampai ke ujung gua dan kamu akan ketemu bulatan merah bernama telur.
Deketin dia dan bilang : "Saya sperma."
Dan dia akan bilang : "Saya telur."
Dari situ kamu akan mulai bikin calon anak. Mengerti?".
Si sperma mengangguk dengan mantapnya.
Dua hari kemudian waktu lagi asik molor tiba-tiba dia disemprot keluar.
Langsung aja dia berenang sekencangnya dan teman-temannya ketinggalan dibelakang.
Akhirnya dia duluan sampai di bulatan merah dan dia memperkenalkan dirinya :
"Hi, saya sperma."
Si bulatan merah jawab : "Hi juga, saya amandel... met kenal yach.."
Water in Carburetor
How to explain your problem in a controlled way.....
A woman comes home from her shopping tour and says to her husband:
"My car has got water in the carburetor! "
Husband: Come, come! How would you know, not having the faintest idea of a car engine?
Woman: Believe me, there is water in the carburetor.
Husband: Give me the key, I’ll have a look at that. She hands the key over to him. While stepping out he ask her:
Where is the car?.
Woman: In the swimming pool.
A woman comes home from her shopping tour and says to her husband:
"My car has got water in the carburetor! "
Husband: Come, come! How would you know, not having the faintest idea of a car engine?
Woman: Believe me, there is water in the carburetor.
Husband: Give me the key, I’ll have a look at that. She hands the key over to him. While stepping out he ask her:
Where is the car?.
Woman: In the swimming pool.
Mafioso
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
"You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead."
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.
Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna dothen......pointa to your watch and a say, Times Up?"
"You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead."
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.
Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna dothen......pointa to your watch and a say, Times Up?"
Golfing accident
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a group of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me”, she told him.
“Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes” the man groaned.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered artful massage for several long moments and asked, ”How does that feel?'
"Wonderful", he replied. "But I still think my thumb's broken.”
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a group of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me”, she told him.
“Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes” the man groaned.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered artful massage for several long moments and asked, ”How does that feel?'
"Wonderful", he replied. "But I still think my thumb's broken.”
How to Impress a Woman & Men
How to IMPRESS a WOMAN
Listen to her,
compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
cuddle her
tease her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
reassure her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.
kiss her,
caress her,
stroke her,
love her,
How to IMPRESS a MAN
Show up naked but have
a beer in your hand.
Listen to her,
compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
cuddle her
tease her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
reassure her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.
kiss her,
caress her,
stroke her,
love her,
How to IMPRESS a MAN
Show up naked but have
a beer in your hand.
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