A woman went to police station to file a report for her missing husband:
Woman: I lost my husband
Inspector: What is his height
Woman: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Woman Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Color of eyes
Woman: Never noticed
Inspector: Color of hair
Woman: Should be black
Inspector: What was he wearing
Woman: I don't remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
Woman: Yes my Labrador dog (Romeo), tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together.
The woman started crying
Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Korupsi
Orang Indonesia bertanya pada orang Eropa, "Berapa gajimu dan untuk apa saja uang sejumlah itu?"
Orang Eropa menjawab, "Gaji saya 3.000 Euro, 1.000 euro untuk tempat tinggal, 1.000 Euro untuk makan, 500 Euro untuk hiburan.
''Lalu sisa 500 Euro untuk apa?", tanya orang Indonesia.
Orang Eropa menjawab secara ketus, "Oh, itu urusan saya, Anda tidak berhak bertanya!"
Kemudian orang Eropa berbalik bertanya. "Kalau Anda bagaimana?''
Gaji saya Rp 950 ribu, Rp 450 ribu untuk tempat tinggal, Rp 350 ribu untuk makan, Rp 250 ribu untuk transport, Rp 200 ribu untuk sekolah anak, Rp 200 ribu untuk bayar cicilan pinjaman, Rp100 ribu untuk ...."
Penjelasan orang Indonesia terhenti karena orang Eropa langsung bertanya. "Uang itu jumlahnya sudah melampui gaji anda. Sisanya dari mana?",
orang Indonesia menjawab dengan enteng, "Begini Mister, tentang uang yang kurang, itu urusan saya, Anda tidak berhak bertanya-tanya" .
Orang Eropa menjawab, "Gaji saya 3.000 Euro, 1.000 euro untuk tempat tinggal, 1.000 Euro untuk makan, 500 Euro untuk hiburan.
''Lalu sisa 500 Euro untuk apa?", tanya orang Indonesia.
Orang Eropa menjawab secara ketus, "Oh, itu urusan saya, Anda tidak berhak bertanya!"
Kemudian orang Eropa berbalik bertanya. "Kalau Anda bagaimana?''
Gaji saya Rp 950 ribu, Rp 450 ribu untuk tempat tinggal, Rp 350 ribu untuk makan, Rp 250 ribu untuk transport, Rp 200 ribu untuk sekolah anak, Rp 200 ribu untuk bayar cicilan pinjaman, Rp100 ribu untuk ...."
Penjelasan orang Indonesia terhenti karena orang Eropa langsung bertanya. "Uang itu jumlahnya sudah melampui gaji anda. Sisanya dari mana?",
orang Indonesia menjawab dengan enteng, "Begini Mister, tentang uang yang kurang, itu urusan saya, Anda tidak berhak bertanya-tanya" .
The Way Things Get?
An old couple often forgetting things decided to see a doctor for some help. The doctor said the best thing I know for you to do is write things down and let your notes remind you.
That night Ma asked Pa to fetch her a dish of ice cream.
Ma said you better write it down. Pa said no need to, you want a dish of ice cream. Ma said I would also like some strawberries on the ice cream.
You better write it down, Pa said.
No need to. You want a dish of ice cream with strawberries on top.
Then Ma said, "Would you put some whipping cream on it? Write it down."
Pa said, "No need to. You want a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream on top."
Twenty minutes later Pa came back and handed Ma a plate with bacon and eggs.
Ma asked, "Where is the toast?"
That night Ma asked Pa to fetch her a dish of ice cream.
Ma said you better write it down. Pa said no need to, you want a dish of ice cream. Ma said I would also like some strawberries on the ice cream.
You better write it down, Pa said.
No need to. You want a dish of ice cream with strawberries on top.
Then Ma said, "Would you put some whipping cream on it? Write it down."
Pa said, "No need to. You want a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream on top."
Twenty minutes later Pa came back and handed Ma a plate with bacon and eggs.
Ma asked, "Where is the toast?"
Pictures Back
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please keep your picture and send the rest back."
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please keep your picture and send the rest back."
How to Get A Bimbo Wife
Bob, a 70-year-old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all agog.
They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
His buddies at the club are all agog.
They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
Blonde Jokes
DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.
FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible! ' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic that it just died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." he says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within a half hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
DOGS
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO. .....,' answered the blonde.
'They're watch dogs'!
Two blondes were going to Disneyland They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.
FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible! ' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic that it just died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." he says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within a half hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
DOGS
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO. .....,' answered the blonde.
'They're watch dogs'!
My first Condom
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Levin's pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it...
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time...' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She then beat the shit out of me
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it...
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time...' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She then beat the shit out of me
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