The Underworld's Biggest Secrets How to Talk to the Dead

"Yesterday I went to buy joss sticks and joss paper to pray for my ancestors.

The towkay asked me if I want to buy paper iPhone to burn for my ancestors. I said they know how to use or not? He said Steve Jobs already there, can teach them to use.

I said ok loh.
He asked want to buy casing?

I also said ok.
Next he asked me if I wanted Bluetooth?

I said might as well loh.
What about charger? I said need charger meh? He said of course lah, after battery no power how?

So I bought the charger also.
Then I asked for his name card.
He said why you need my name card? I said I burn for my ancestors. For warranty claim, they will contact you direct."

Ah Beng from Singapore

Someone asks Ah Beng why Lee Hsien Loong goes walking only in the evening
but not in the morning.
Ah Beng replies 'Because he is PM not AM'
===================
Ah Beng buys a new mobile. He sends a message to everyone in his Phone Book
& says,  'My Mobile  number has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310.  Now it
is Nokia 6610'
==================
Ah Beng : I am proud coz my son is in Medical College .
Friend: Really, what is he studying?
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are studying him.
===================
Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
Dr : Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.
===================
Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
===================
Ah Beng : People consider me as a  'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the park today, everybody said, "Oh GOD! Why U come
here again?"
===================
Ah Beng reports to police: 'Sir, all items are missing except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'Why the thief did not take TV?'
Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'
===================
Ah Beng comes back to his car & finds a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.'
===================
How do you recognize Ah Beng in school?
He is the one who erases his notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
===================
Ah  Beng was sitting in a bar and his cellular phone rings.
He picks it up and says 'Hello, how did you know I am here?'
===================
Ah Beng always sit on the lower level of double-decker buses.
When asked why so, he says "Upstairs no driver".
===================
Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella.
 ===================
Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
===================

Teacher: ‘I killed a person’ convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng: The future tense is ‘u will go to jail’
===================

Ah Beng: Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

Confusing Chinese Names

Anne Chang => Dirty (Mandarin)
Anne Chin => Keep Quiet (Mandarin)
Faye Chen => Dusty (Mandarin)
Carl Cheng => Buttock (Hokkien)
Monica Cheng => Touching your buttocks (Hokkien)
Lucy Leow => You are dead (Hokkien)
Jane Tan => Frying eggs (Mandarin)
SuzieLeow => Lose till death (Hokkien)
Henry Mah => Hate your mum (Mandarin)
Corrine Tai => Poor fellow (Hokkien)
Paul Chan => Bankrupt (Mandarin)
Nelson Tan => Bird laying eggs (Mandarin)
Leslie Tong => Rubbish Bin (Mandarin)
Carmen Teng => Leg hair long (Hokkien)
Connie Mah => Call your mother (Cantonese)
Danny See => Squeeze you to death (Hokkien)
Rosie Teng => Screws and nails (Hokkien)
Pete Tsai => Nose droppings (Hokkien)
Macy Koh => Never die before (Cantonese)

Different version of the English language

English Vs Local Languages

Bahasa Inggris versi Singlish (Singaporean English) is marked by 'lah' : Come on, buy-lah, cheap-lah, quick-quick- lah,.....

Jakartenglish ?
Jakarte English is marked by the 'sih', 'deh', 'dong', 'nih', etc.
That book is very good, deh. Can you speak english?.. yeah a litle sih I can! Use my money first nih.. Give me more dong.. [Jeje] She is overthere, no.... (dia di sono,no....)

Sundanesenglish
is also available such as atuh, euy,mah
Well, if that kind, it pretty so-so atuh It can't be that way euy.. I am mah, not like that...

Javenesenglish. .
The typical Javanese language: 'lho', 'lha', 'tho', 'kok', ki, etc
Lho, I already bought that book ! Kok, buying again ? I told you many times 'tho' ! Lha, I did'nt know ... how ki !? Don't be like that, no....!?
Other exclamation words of Java : wo_, wah, wé_, jian, and jé_
Wé_ lha this book is mine jé...! Wo_, only like that tho! Wah, expensive, tho ? Jian, Paijem is so beautiful tenan.
anything else ?
There are also abundant 'sound effect' in Javanese language.
Suddenly, mak bedhengus, den Tukiman appeared My head feels pain, mak cleng ! Mak tlepok, I got a mango !
My chicken is suddenly died, mak cekengkeng,  Mak gedebhug, Kampreté fell down. Mak jegagik.... Oh, trondholo !

Sex Education

by Pua Chu Kang

cow peh cow bu *cry father cry mother*

Chu K ang ( PCK ) explaining sex to Chu Beng ' s son, Aloysius
......... Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ?

PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjolable becaws, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah !

Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men ?

PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right ?

Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ?

PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, den someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not ? Ehhh ? Don ' t pray pray ah !

Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses ?

PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow ah ! Use your blain, use your blainnn .........

Aloy : Why is it most men don ' t like wearing condoms when they are making love ?

PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on your finger or not? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Corlight or not?

Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?

PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blainnnnn ........................... you go and dig your nose in flont of your whole class izit ?? Stupid lah!!

Aloy : Wah ...... Uncle Chu Kang , you are very good.

PCK : Aiyah ...... , ' Best in Singapore , JB, some say Batam, and now, the whole world! ' also ah!!!