In other news, we all remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs.
Now KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket."
It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken shit.
Jewish Joke
Remember the old-time Jewish comedians of Vaudeville days - Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You may have only heard of them, but don't we all miss their kind of humor?
* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living."
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .
* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried
* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles Me!
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. " The drunk says,"Okay, let's get started.
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.
Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
*Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."
*Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.
*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. " The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? "
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."
*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.
*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. " The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A : Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The
mother says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A : Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off
* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living."
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .
* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried
* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles Me!
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. " The drunk says,"Okay, let's get started.
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.
Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
*Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."
*Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.
*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. " The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? "
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."
*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.
*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. " The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A : Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The
mother says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A : Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off
The Secret How To Apply Social Security Application
Age Proof Without Documents
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
How To Get Affair With Neighbor's Wife
Banta has been admiring his neighbor's wife. The neighbor's wife always gives him this seductive smile whenever they greet each other. Banta didn't know how to approach the lady to tell her of his desires because she's married. So, one day the lady herself approached Banta alone in his apartment.
Banta: Hi.
Lady: Hi.
Banta: Is everything alright?
Lady: Yes. Just need little help from you (Smiling seductively).
Banta: Wow! Anything for the angel.
Lady: I...I...I...just don't know how to say this. I'll be so ashamed of myself if I ask and you say no.
Banta: Oh my lady, you don't have to. I am ready to do anything for you.
Lady: You know, it's been over 3 weeks since my husband travelled.
Banta: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Lady: And even when he's around, he has some... (pause for a while) he has some disabilities.
Banta: Oh poor you. You must have been going through hell!
Lady: I know you'll be stronger than him.
Banta: Sure.
Lady: Can you help me?
Banta: Wow! Now? Sure, I'm ready if you are ready.
Lady: Oh thank goodness! That's why I came to you. Can you help me carry our deep freezer from our kitchen to the next street for repairs?
Banta: Hi.
Lady: Hi.
Banta: Is everything alright?
Lady: Yes. Just need little help from you (Smiling seductively).
Banta: Wow! Anything for the angel.
Lady: I...I...I...just don't know how to say this. I'll be so ashamed of myself if I ask and you say no.
Banta: Oh my lady, you don't have to. I am ready to do anything for you.
Lady: You know, it's been over 3 weeks since my husband travelled.
Banta: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Lady: And even when he's around, he has some... (pause for a while) he has some disabilities.
Banta: Oh poor you. You must have been going through hell!
Lady: I know you'll be stronger than him.
Banta: Sure.
Lady: Can you help me?
Banta: Wow! Now? Sure, I'm ready if you are ready.
Lady: Oh thank goodness! That's why I came to you. Can you help me carry our deep freezer from our kitchen to the next street for repairs?
How To Sex And Being Rich in The Same Time
Sex For $ 20 (Story)
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
He explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he'd been , well , let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job , then he burst into tears.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
Then , she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million.
She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the results of her savings and investments. The husband was so astounded he could barely speak.
Finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea that you were investing those $ 20 for this day, I would have had sex only with you.'
That's when she shot him.
Men just don't know when to keep their mouth shut, specially when drunk !!!!!
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
He explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he'd been , well , let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job , then he burst into tears.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
Then , she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million.
She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the results of her savings and investments. The husband was so astounded he could barely speak.
Finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea that you were investing those $ 20 for this day, I would have had sex only with you.'
That's when she shot him.
Men just don't know when to keep their mouth shut, specially when drunk !!!!!
Cowboy Apps Startup
"A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in an expensive suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and silk tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars’ worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.""
The driver, a young man in an expensive suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and silk tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars’ worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.""
How To Sex With Someone's Wife without Getting Killed
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en-route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cab driver agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and the cab driver tip-toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the man's head.
The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Mecedes I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season tickets.
HE paid for our house on the Costa del Sol
HE paid for our golf club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cab driver and says "What would you do?"
The cab driver replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches cold."
While en-route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cab driver agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and the cab driver tip-toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the man's head.
The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Mecedes I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season tickets.
HE paid for our house on the Costa del Sol
HE paid for our golf club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cab driver and says "What would you do?"
The cab driver replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches cold."
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