A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen
to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"
Don't Ever Get Oral Sex With Your Neighbor
There was a small boy who was put to bed by his parents.
The boy had a nightmare, and got out of bed to go to his parents room.
When he got there, he saw mommy bouncing up and down on daddy.
When his dad noticed him in the doorway, the kid ran away.
The mother got off and got dressed quickly, and went to the boy's room.
He was in his bed, and he asked, "Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?"
The mother replied, "Well, your father has noticed his belly getting bigger, and I was just trying to flatten his tummy for him by bouncing on it."
"Oh, that's what you were doing. But you're wasting your time mommy." The boy said.
"Oh, and why is that?" The mom asked.
"Because everyday when you leave for work, the neighbor lady comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up again.
other version:
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him..
The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'
'You are wasting your time,' said the boy.
'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!!
The boy had a nightmare, and got out of bed to go to his parents room.
When he got there, he saw mommy bouncing up and down on daddy.
When his dad noticed him in the doorway, the kid ran away.
The mother got off and got dressed quickly, and went to the boy's room.
He was in his bed, and he asked, "Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?"
The mother replied, "Well, your father has noticed his belly getting bigger, and I was just trying to flatten his tummy for him by bouncing on it."
"Oh, that's what you were doing. But you're wasting your time mommy." The boy said.
"Oh, and why is that?" The mom asked.
"Because everyday when you leave for work, the neighbor lady comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up again.
other version:
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him..
The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'
'You are wasting your time,' said the boy.
'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!!
Don't Ever Let A Blonde Play Puzzle
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle.
She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.
''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.
''Honey," said Dan- trying to help,
"Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''
She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.
''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.
''Honey," said Dan- trying to help,
"Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''
How To Work in Government
A man employed by the government found a dusty silver lamp in the storeroom of his office building.
Suprised, he began to dust off the lamp...
Suddenly, a magic genie appeared, and said that he would grant the man 3 wishes...
"Really!" the man responded, awestruck.
"I wish to be on a beautiful deserted tropical island"
The genie then clapped his hands, and they were transported where the man requested...
Wow, the man thought...
"I wish that I was surrounded by beautiful, naked women that are infatuated with me"
The genie again clapped his hands, and soon the man had dozens of beautiful women fawning all over him.
"For my final wish," the man said, "I wish I never had to work again."
The genie clapped his hands for a third time, and the man found himself back at his government office....
Suprised, he began to dust off the lamp...
Suddenly, a magic genie appeared, and said that he would grant the man 3 wishes...
"Really!" the man responded, awestruck.
"I wish to be on a beautiful deserted tropical island"
The genie then clapped his hands, and they were transported where the man requested...
Wow, the man thought...
"I wish that I was surrounded by beautiful, naked women that are infatuated with me"
The genie again clapped his hands, and soon the man had dozens of beautiful women fawning all over him.
"For my final wish," the man said, "I wish I never had to work again."
The genie clapped his hands for a third time, and the man found himself back at his government office....
How to Tell Your Parents That You Got Bad Grades
Dear Mother and Dad:
It has been three months since I left for college.
I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry
for my thoughtlessness in not having written before.
I will bring you up to date now, but before you
read on, please sit down. You are not to read any
further unless you are sitting down, okay.
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The
skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped
out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire
shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed by now.
I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can
see almost normally and only get those headaches
once a day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump
was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near
the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Dept.
and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital
and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt
out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share
his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but
it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have
fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married.
We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before
my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, mother and dad, I am pregnant. I know how very much
you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know
you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and
devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend
has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our
premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him.
This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am
now taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms.
He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious.
Although he is of a different race and religion than ours,
I know that your oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you
to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat
darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do.
His family background is good too, for I am told his father
is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from
which he comes.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you
there was no dormitory fire; I did not have a concussion or
a skull fracture; I was not in the hospital; I am not pregnant;
I am not engaged. I do not have syphillis, and there is no Negro
in my life. However, I am getting a D in sociology and an F
in science; and I wanted you to see these marks in proper perspective.
Your loving daughter, Sarah
It has been three months since I left for college.
I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry
for my thoughtlessness in not having written before.
I will bring you up to date now, but before you
read on, please sit down. You are not to read any
further unless you are sitting down, okay.
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The
skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped
out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire
shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed by now.
I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can
see almost normally and only get those headaches
once a day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump
was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near
the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Dept.
and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital
and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt
out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share
his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but
it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have
fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married.
We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before
my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, mother and dad, I am pregnant. I know how very much
you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know
you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and
devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend
has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our
premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him.
This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am
now taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms.
He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious.
Although he is of a different race and religion than ours,
I know that your oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you
to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat
darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do.
His family background is good too, for I am told his father
is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from
which he comes.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you
there was no dormitory fire; I did not have a concussion or
a skull fracture; I was not in the hospital; I am not pregnant;
I am not engaged. I do not have syphillis, and there is no Negro
in my life. However, I am getting a D in sociology and an F
in science; and I wanted you to see these marks in proper perspective.
Your loving daughter, Sarah
How To End Relationships with American Soldier
An american soldier who was stationed in Afghanistan got a letter from his girlfriend back in the states. The letter read:
Dear Raymond
I'm sorry, but I dont want to continue our relationship. The distance between us is too far. Besides, I have to admit that I have been cheating on you twice since you left. It's over, end of story.
Would you please send back the photo of me I gave you?
Bye
Wendy
The soldier looked at the letter with a blank expression in his face.
He then walked around amongst his fellow brothers in arms and collected every picture of wifes, sisters, girfriends, exgf's, cousins etc. he could get his hands on.
He placed all the photos in an envelope together with the picture of Wendy. Totally it was 57 pictures.
He also placed a note in the letter saying:
Dear Wendy
I'm sorry, but I have forgotten who you are. Please pick out your photo and send back the rest.
Dear Raymond
I'm sorry, but I dont want to continue our relationship. The distance between us is too far. Besides, I have to admit that I have been cheating on you twice since you left. It's over, end of story.
Would you please send back the photo of me I gave you?
Bye
Wendy
The soldier looked at the letter with a blank expression in his face.
He then walked around amongst his fellow brothers in arms and collected every picture of wifes, sisters, girfriends, exgf's, cousins etc. he could get his hands on.
He placed all the photos in an envelope together with the picture of Wendy. Totally it was 57 pictures.
He also placed a note in the letter saying:
Dear Wendy
I'm sorry, but I have forgotten who you are. Please pick out your photo and send back the rest.
How To Kill Your Noisy Neighbor's Cat
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
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